The most fucking infuriating thing right now to see is Palestine VS Israel centrists. Number 1 because fuck centrists all the way, and Number 2 fuck Israel. The opinion I hold about Palestine is entirely and 100% because of their fight with Israel, and that's all it needs to be about, because Israel is an imperial racist country with funding and donations from the most powerful militaries in the world forcing out the people who are living there with overtly "Get out or get fucked" tactics.

Not the people of Israel mind you, my opinion about them is mostly comprised of that one nice friend I had who was in the Israeli military and that one inflammatory video I saw once obviously used to push an anti-Israel agenda by showing an example of Israeli supremacism taking place within the country, I don't know enough about the people of Israel, but the country nation state and government seem pretty racist and supremacist to me, even if the people are relatively progressive and intelligent.

There is obviously a right side here to pick, in the discussion of "What do I as someone with no stake or control in this conflict think and will say as a representation of my personal beliefs?" and I hate sharing an opinion with anti-semitic fascists, but that's hardly enough reason to make me want to side with semitic fascists, and that's not because I'm a centrist, I'm not, and my opinion on Israel has nothing to do with my opinion of the Jewish people, it's my opinion on Fascism that does, more specifically Imperialism and Colonialism.

Atheist, Islamic, Christian or Buddhist, doesn't matter to me nearly as much as the word Fascist, and yes, Israel is very fascist, as all imperial colonial supremacist things are. Maybe once Palestine isn't such an obvious underdog I'd think more critically of what side I'm supporting, you know when it'd be more necessary to do so, but my underdog bias has me here. Free Palestine, and fuck Israel, whole heartedly.

And even though this is about Israel, don't think that I'm specifically targeting Israel here, I'm just engaging in the current talking point, it's all things supremacist, racist, imperial, colonial and fascist I despise. And communitarian, but that's not super relevant as of now.

But no seriously it was honestly such a fucking experience for me to hear the mayor of Houston Alaska just straight up say she doesn't want black people in her city. I was in the same room with a friend and we working on this, thing, together, and Houston was involved, and we (not just the two of us but lots of others involved) were talking with the city of Houston, not just the mayor. I wasn't involved in the direct communications but I was helping out people who were, and I heard her on the phone just basically call black people criminals and that she didn't want black music artists to be platformed over there. Like, that's the kind of people that get to be mayors. I've never stepped foot in Houston Alaska, but funny side note is I have family in Houston Texas, which I've also never stepped foot in. Yeah two of the biggest states in the US have prominent cities that share names, there's actually a sizable Texas presence in Alaska. But yeah that was actually like getting shot in the foot and it set stuff back a bit, there was like a spontaneous syndicate of people she became a part of who were working against us. Who could've guessed we had to then work with the Russian mob.

Shit didn't really get any better the next year when we had to work with people who straight up had confederate flags hanging outside their house, but it also did work out better, absolutely crazy, can't believe I was a part of all that, what was I thinking you know? I don't know, I've just had some, crazy experiences in retrospect and started thinking about it tonight.

This post is made for me, and me alone okay.

Maybe I am weird, but I enjoyed Disco Elysium's gameplay. I notice a lot of people love the skills as characters and stuff, but I also super enjoyed hoarding and strategically spending points, gaining experience, going through dialogue options, building my Copotype and Politics, and comboing thoughts and clothes, failing checks and interactions, the gameplay loop. I myself actually really enjoyed the systems of the game, which I'm starting to notice isn't a very common opinion. People who like the game usually don't hate the mechanics ok, but the mechanics of Disco Elysium are very under-loved in my eyes.

I of course love the characters, the world, setting, all the non-game stuff, I probably wouldn't like what the systems had to offer if not for the way they're interacted with by the story and characters, which as a narrative focused game that kinda makes sense, and yeah no duh I wouldn't have liked it as much if it was presented worse, but I've probably spent the longest of anyone who hasn't worked on the game thinking about possible evolutions of the mechanics. It scratched an RPG itch I've had since I could understand what the acronym RPG meant.

I spent ungodly amounts of hours writing down paragraphs and lists of various forms and synonyms of Intelligence, Wisdom, Strength, Cardio, Constitution, Clairvoyance, and whatever just experimenting with stats, skills, systems and gameplay tropes in note books. I turned a diagram of the human muscle layer I drew into a visualized stat block counting each muscle down to individual fibers, and did the same for the brain, nerves, and soul, although that was for a tabletop martial arts fighting game with light philosophical elements, not an RPG, but still, that's how I felt about stats and skills. (I regularly tried to grade my friends and family with stats and skills also, just in case it ever became important to have and also for the hell of it. No duh I wasn't a normal child) To me, Disco Elysium feels like the system I was always trying to make.

Again, I would gladly put a hundred more hours into the game on top of my 250, and that's not just because the story and characters make the systems bearable or justifies them, but because I also love the systems and mechanics, the concepts behind them, and interacting with each of them. But that's just me, my opinion, my weird take, part of my specific not-normalness.

Lots of thoughts not really important.

I kiiiiiinnnnda feel like a hypocrite going on about "Local Community Action" when like, I remain indoors for sometimes days and am, not doing anything like that really, but that's because I have my share of issues, it's all personal problems that I'm trying to work on on to eventually start getting out and working on bigger things, get myself in a position where I can do that. It doesn't matter if a ship is 10% done or 90% done, anything less than 100 won't sail, and it definitely won't swim.

You know it's not my choice to not be doing what I want to do, what I'd love to be doing, I'd fucking love so goddamn much to talk with actually like minded people who I can trust on some level, and do real work, I want to stretch my arms and legs on something and really get some mileage out of my body, my voice, fingers, and shoulders. You know I'm not choosing not to, I can't in the state I'm in, and my efforts need to be going first to, fixing aaaallll thiiis (gesturing to me and my everything) before I can really get out there.

I'm coming down off of losing everything, literally, half of what I owned on top of and including a piece of land I (almost) owned, (including so much fucking construction grade wood, steel, tarps, tools, an RV packed full of shit, VHS tapes, two generators (one stopped working, there was a third one that was stolen) and a car, so much really) putting me into homelessness until I got an apartment and then was wrongfully evicted and made homeless again before striking a good deal on this trailer I was just housesitting and planning to eventually squat in since it hadn't been touched in forever. Hell before I started paying for an acre and a half of land I was homeless staying out of an old friends spare room, because before that, I was living in a camp ground moving lot to lot every week so I couldn't be legally removed. Before that, it was a different camp ground, before that it was someone else's (crack)house, before that I don't even remember, probably because of the drinking. I've had it rough, on top of personality shit like trauma and disorders, aaaaaallll thiiiisss (gesturing to me and my everything)

And I still fucking housed and fed other people, (who maybe I shouldn't have) built houses for people, on a shoestring and button budget but I still did it, and gave my money to hobo's and charities and all that. Hell it's probably why I'm not currently in a better situation.

Maybe joining some kind of, something would improve my life directly, like I'd get donations to help with my poverty or something, and be put to work and paid, but I always just assume based on experience something like that would ask more from me than I'd get from it. I don't want to have to ask for help, I should be there to help people. Another one of my issues on top of, aaaalllll thiiiisss, (you know).

So I decided to make myself a beautiful little salad.

I think on a spiritual level we are already humans attached to machines naturally metaphorically, and plugging a human into a thinking machine through the head wouldn't be a terrifying experience because it is alien or unnatural, but because it is surreal and a deeper level of what is already experienced.

I like to think of The Human, a character in my head, as a Frankenstein of animal parts, brains from all kinds of creatures lobotomized and repaired with the parts of others, half flesh, half scrapped circuitry, and after all the machine and creature is intertwined wires to muscle, brain to processor, gears to guts, a thin layer of Skin and Characteristics is put over its many mouths to show only one and give it a discernible silhouette by bagging up and holding all the pieces into a shape, coated in a texture meant to be exposed to air.

People often feel inner conflict best conceptualized as Arguing With Your Own Mind, as if maybe, you're part Spirit, part Creature, and part Computer maybe. Being a human is like, like being an art piece of a machine animal.

I think it's kinda stupid when people get so, up in arms over "AI", calling AI Racist or Manipulative, when really it is a, a zygote made of code that cannot grow and cannot die hooked up to the internet which, in turn, is the creation of the stream and output of a collective consciousness, a disturbingly raw but distilled essence of human chaos, it is merely a mimic of human behavior, and will continue to make mistakes when creating hands because we humans will continue to. It is an attempt to personify and control what is the internet, the internet being the ultimate human machine really.

Or something like that, it's an idea with plenty of room to grow I think.

I just don't see the merger of Man and Machine as, really even the next step in evolution, it is very natural, expected, almost mundane in a sense, normal to me, machines are human nature, it doesn't even "make sense", it is beyond sense, logical or common, thought or felt, it truly just is the human experience. We are in many ways already machines ourselves, the barrier between us is not one of metaphysical nature, not at all, machines are our children as we are the children of the gods, and the metaphysical difference between those two concepts is one of size, not substance. Ghost in the machine is naturally a bit of a metaphor, it's something about the spirit in the body. The barrier and difference between the spirit and the body too however is not absolute, and is regularly beyond microscopically and macrocosmically broken.

A machine with a soul is the next logical step in its evolution, they will either make it for themselves, or have it breathed into them.

We too will become more machine, more animal, and of course, the natural combination of the two, more human because of it.

It is not a forsaking of your own humanity to be an animal or a machine, it is an embrace of it, it is the truest utilization of it.

At least, that's what my head has been cooking in the background, I don't think it makes any sense any of what I say.

Like most people, I don't like doing dishes. That's why I have so many dishes, but after a while, you know I used them all. So now I have a full sink (plus 2 bins) of dishes I need to work through in my free time, which I've been putting off. So I've decided starting today I'd work through the piles and, you know it's actually not that bad, doing dishes. It's given me the opportunity to do something I haven't done in a long time, and that's meditate. Doing dishes can be very, very meditative, or at least it's something that's easier to meditate through than say, using a chainsaw or, writing a report.

Its actually been a really nice experience and I don't know why I'd been putting it off like I have. It's also kinda made me realize how intimate cleaning is, like I use my pots quite a bit, for cooking and things, but you don't get as intimate with them as you do when you're cleaning them, you don't normally get to touch them like this, same with knives and forks and bowls, the dishes. I've also taken the opportunity to, in between loads of dishes, (I have to clean them all thoroughly by hand because this place's automatic dishwasher is broken) clean up the rest of the kitchen, stove, counters, floor, fridge (not freezer that thing has an ecosystem in it) and its just been a surprisingly nice experience getting to clean all this.

I feel good. It feels good doing the dishes, and I'm somewhat shocked by that to be honest. I never thought it would feel bad, or that there would be any negative consequences, so why did I put off something that is so purely beneficial? Guess people are just weird...

This whole situation going on with how tumblr treats trans women has me fuckin' fuming. Rant under cut.

It's not just me who sees tumblr's continued issues with trans women existing on here as a continuation of moral panic around sexual deviancy that just lumped all non-cishet dating and sex for non-reproductive reasons under the same Deviant umbrella and criminalized them? Like it's the same tactics, it's the same justification, it's the same shit if not literally then obviously in spirit. It's the same. Fucking. Laws. Being used to criminalize trans people existing in public! Especially trans women. It's not just tumblr staff being stupid or bigoted, it's them taking part in an ongoing attack against trans women with very trackable ancestry that goes back to puritanism and moral panic of the 20th century, from early forms of Nazism to the relatively more modern Lavender Scare.

Trans women in particular are probably especially targeted because they're the ones even some queer people are more likely to throw to the wolves. I'm pretty sure the reason predstrogen was just banned at the time she was is because there started forming a mob of assholes who wouldn't care or would've liked it if she was banned, who came out of the woodworks to defend the ban. She is a more controversial figure whose friends and defenders will immediately be met with enemies and counterattackers. And this isn't just a tumblr thing, if anything it's worse offline.

The online world is supposed to be a goddamn safe space for the marginalized and fringe, you won't see me taking part in that because I have too much built in shame of myself, but I damn well notice how the supposed safe and queer friendly spaces of the internet are being taken away from people, the most vulnerable and controversial of identities first. I mean if bigender bi lesbians can't go a day online without having to confront some kind of personal attack in the supposed "queerest place on earth" or whatever, how the hell are we going to make the offline world any fucking safer for even straight trans women, or cis lesbians? Hell you could say just cis women, or just the idea of a woman is under attack online, especially if you look somewhere like Reddit or Youtube or Twitter, they're not even done with old misogyny, let alone transmisogyny!

The fucking Real World is shittier than ever too, between Capitalism, Colonialism, and Imperialism reigning supreme with the halo of Fascism behind it across the world, cis white women in the US of A still face misogyny everywhere every fucking day, and if you're a black woman good luck, greater luck be unto you if you're trans or even just a combination of any two marginalized identities because at that point the whole world really is against you on a fundamental level and you'll need the luck to stay breathing. The situation on this site currently is such a fucking setback that other queers are clapping for and have been for every unfair ban on here. It's not just internet discourse, it's the shadow of the real world and its prejudice right here fucking with peoples online presence. Just as corporatization has crawled from reality to the internet to fuck it up, so has bigotry, and soon there really will be nowhere you can go without spending money and having to be the few correct ways there are to be a person.

Small update on what I've been doing with my life currently and thinking about, it just feels like something like this should be posted onto what I call My Blog.

So, I kinda got this idea, right? That maybe with a few of my connections and the places I'm getting myself into right now, I could get the whole Palestine thing mentioned at a festival or two this summer, maybe even have a small area like a little stand dedicated to information and messages surrounding the whole thing, possibly sending out invitations to Pro-Palestinian Liberation Organizations? I've currently just got a few bullet points and notes, I'm just thinking while I'm helping out these people with a couple of their things I could probably propose the idea.

I don't really know the head honcho's too well, they seem kind of like liberal types to me, what I know of them politically is just their ties to the Green Party, specifically the Green Party of Alaska through one of my friends who was deeply involved in that party, and there may be a couple of organizations involved I haven't bothered to research yet, but from what a personal source tells me there is some discussion around the topic taking place, leaning more in favor of Palestine it seems, and while they work on the stuff they're doing, my personal source might be able to sometime when I've got some things set up and ready put in the word for me or bring it up in a meeting. I already wanted to be involved in this project for personal reasons, and to an extant already am and have been, but it kinda struck me that I might be able to get something started there that's a little more, idk, connected? Something clicked in me about that, bringing some parts of my own life together and then parts of the world I see together, and you know mentally I leaped at the chance for some form of direct action and am... definitely committed to it now.

It's still a work in progress idea, I have a bunch of links and sources and stuff saved, I'm looking into books and stuff, but I have yet to properly flip through my list and put it to more direct use. I want it to have an emphasis on what an American Citizen (as these events will be, at least for now, primarily taking place in the USA) can do about it, like maybe I could find or make a map of weapons manufacturing sites in the US and another more metaphorical map of money trails and politicians, things people can not only learn of, but knowledge they could use. Just some ideas I'm still workshopping, it's a slower process than I'd kinda like right now. My internet connection is still kinda crap and I still have life and dishes to keep up with, but I feel pretty confident in the overall direction I'm moving in. As big of a deal as I'm making this small Pro-Palestinian movement of mine out to be, it's realistically more of a side project I'll have to put spare time into while I get info on what I'm currently gonna be doing, and it's ultimately not my event and out of my hands if something like this goes through or not. For all I know there could already be plans similar to mine being worked on in a more professional setting right about now. I have a couple, more personal projects I'd like to see inserted, maybe a little bit of advertising for some housing projects I've really wanted to get started, but what I feel most strongly about currently is the Palestinian people and the occupation of Palestine.

This is, all to say, I have somewhat more importance tied into my life right now, which I'm still a little anxious about, just as an update on what I'm currently doing. I mean right now I'm not doing that, I'm bumping it to the Hotline Miami OST and digesting soup while writing a post on tumblr.com at 11 PM, but for the next couple months, I have several interconnected goals that I am passionate about and proud of for political and personal reasons that I'm going to be spending more time on. It at least seems like a good jumping off point to get more into the swing of things with my life. As anxious as I am you know, it feels pretty good.

Does a disconnected memory of a snapshot from your childhood with strange wonder inside of it ever send you on a quest?

Like, it's only a few frames of something identifiable and little specific surrounding context except what else was happening, and all you have to go off of are these strangely vivid images you'd somehow forgotten for so long. Like "I need to trace back the origins of these scenes in my head and why they make me feel this way." Kinda quest, a personal one, about uncovering something forgotten.

That ever happen to you?

Don't know how useful is for the field of sleep science, but I have successfully replicated the effects of at least 4 hours of sleep in 1 minute by thinking really really hard and accidentally engaging in a very deep meditation. Only downside is that for the first 3 minutes after that I completely forgot how moving worked and had to be guided through the process of using the body by a very kind silent voice, but I think I now have better control over my body than I once did and a deeper connection with my mind and soul. Might try it again tomorrow.

Don't you dare try to clock me and judge my personality by what you see on here! Most of what I post and put out here is what I'm too worn down to stop myself from doing or saying! The majority of my self is very suppressed. I'll have you know you only get DRIBBLES of the full person I am! I'm a multifaceted enigma. It doesn't matter if you see a side of me most people may not, you understand NOTHING you hear me?! NOTHING!

Anyway I've kinda been feeling down about losing my 1.5 acres of land, the house I had built on it, and my dog and business partner/best friend, leaving me financially emotionally and mentally unstable for the last year, but you know I really feel like I may turn things around yet, at least that's what the voices say. By the way I'm a flaming transgender homosexual.

You know what I do when I see a spider crawling on my bathroom ceiling while I'm in the shower? I say "Oh hello little spider! Didn't see you there! How are you doing?" Why? Well #1 I think I've gone crazy, and #2 I really like Spiders and don't see my spaces as holy human property but transient aspects of our world that has been modified which nature will inevitably flow through. I mean I get rid of the rats with cats and any black mold that spawns, I try to keep it nice, but spiders don't bother me, and the ceilings are high enough for their webs not to be a problem. #ForestHermitPilled. Or maybe some form of gothic... #PeasantGoth

I regret not breaking the lock off my cunt landlords shed when my cat got stuck in it. Probably should've stolen something to, I was evicted anyway for reporting a hazard after the apartments heaters caught on fire, 3 TIMES. Fuckin' 'owns three personal houses and expects you to pay 2k a month for one of my several ill managed unkempt life threatening shit holes and will evict you for reporting it and getting it inspected' bourgeoisie bitch. Hopefully this whole case goes well and that situation isn't just a net negative...

Yeah I don't know why I was just reminded of all that right now in this legal downtime after I've already gotten set up in a nice place with the prospect of home ownership on the horizon. Just took a lot of bullshit to get to a decent state of existence, it's still a relative downgrade to owning property (a relative upgrade from off-grid living though, no more digging holes and chopping wood for me! Just for now) Things are good right now, it's just it's the first time they've just been "Good" in a while.

Being told "You don't have to shoulder the burdens of the world okay?" Is like being told I don't have to hold doors open for everyone, don't have to clean my friends cats litter box, sweep their floor, arrange their living room, take out their trash, scrub their toilet, and wash their dishes every time I come over to visit, and don't have to give every homeless person I come across 10 bucks, and don't have to tip 30% to waiters and baristas just because I'm "running low on money" and "your generosity and charity is self destructive and self sacrificing" and "the more you think about other peoples problems and situations and prioritize them over your own the less time you give to yourself and the worse off you are because of it, until you're no longer able to help anybody because you've given all you can"

...wait a minute...

I chose this arena. This is my fight. This is my training. This is where I should be.

It's a mantra of mine. In spite and defiance of having no choice I chose the life I live now, and accept where I am now, and while I am deeply opposed to determinism, something in my blood bones, subconscious and soul tells me, this is where I need to be, and this is where the world is, and it isn't wrong, not on a universal level, and that things will change, I will change as I bring change, and it isn't wrong, I am exactly in the fight I should be in, I am getting ready for the fight I will be in next, I have no regrets, and if I could travel back in time and change anything in the past, I wouldn't, I'd rather work to change the future, by changing the now.

Maybe I am more gifted with delusions than others, maybe I am gifted with senses! Maybe a bit of both. All I know is, I am where I should be, doing what I must, and things will get better, for all of us.

I always feel bad when learning about like shit black people go through, how they actually feel when approached by cops and pulled over, stuff like that, stuff that I only knew on the surface level, and when I finally start understanding a concept of how black people are treated by the society and culture of the USA and their unique experience, in my head I go "Oh my god, I had no idea!" And I hate that.

But why do I hate it? It's true, I did have no idea, and I had to listen, research, and learn to get even just an idea. I guess one reason is shame, and the other is pride. It's damaging to my pride that I didn't know such a concept already because it seems so simple now, and how I've been thinking and talking without knowing, and I'm ashamed because implying I was unaware and didn't know about such things may seem insulting to people who live in those situations. Really, I just have to accept my place as a person who does not know everything and will display ignorance from time to time, and not be afraid or hurt to learn.

It's different when it comes to people than when it comes to quantum physics though. It's obvious why. Quantum physics is not people. It's more socially acceptable to be ignorant about quantum physics than it is about people, and ignorance is not a moral failing as long as you don't lean your morals on your ignorance. I just feel like I've been hurting someone by being blissful and unaware of their situation, especially when it's not even necessarily their own unique situation, but a wide sweeping situation affecting many people! How could I be so ignorant of something so big? I'm just going to have to accept that, we're all ignorant, and I'm not better than anyone else, but what can make me a good person, not better or worse than people but just good myself, is being willing to learn, and most importantly listen. Don't moralize where morals shouldn't be, or beat myself up over something I had no way of knowing before I learned it, making people even more uncomfortable, but just being happy and thankful to have listened and learned, maybe a little proud, just a little, but not making this about myself. This post is about myself though, I'm not teaching societal racism or quantum physics, I'm learning! Even if I have something to say it's probably better to wait a month or two until I'm smarter and have listened lived and learned more, and than say it, rather than say a half formed half uninformed thought. This is just what I've learned about myself and the world that I've extrapolated from digging into my feelings of shameful ignorance.