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anandasamsara · 2 years

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(TW for almost-death mention, a lot of it)

So. I’ll be 30 in a few hours.

This means that its been 15 years since i almost died.

I talked about it many times here, in posts about being misdiagnosed by doctors that look at a fat woman and cant see anything else.

When i was still 14, i got sick, around the end of december i think. December 2006, few months before high school. By the time school started, in february 2007, i was in a very bad shape. The whole school experience wasnt helping, my classes were in the afternoon in a school i didnt want to go to. If i had lunch at 11am to be able to be in class by 1pm, i’d get sick, bc i’d only be waking up by then, and still to this day i have to wait at least one hour after waking up before eating.

When i got sick those few months before, was when mom stopped worrying about time, i now remember. I had decided i wouldnt snack on things if there wasnt anything i wanted to eat between meals. It still doesnt sound like such a stupid decision, right? But, by then mom decided lunch was a good idea for the only meal of the day. Thats what still happens too. And time wasnt a worry, so lunch could be around 2-5pm.

So, yeah. An almost 15 year old, only having a single meal a day. I didnt knew how to cook anything then, and if i tried to learn by myself i’d be shouted out of the kitchen for making a mess. One more thing that hadnt changed, but now i know a few recipes.

Fast forward to the start of the school year. I couldnt have lunch at home bc it was too early and there wasnt time, nor even the lunch would be ready. So my first meal of the day would be at around 3pm. I started getting too weak, as you can imagine.

There was also a fight between us and the school, for me to study in the mornings. I hated the afternoon period bc of all i have already said. And things werent looking good for me.

Then came the sickness. In the mornings, i’d puke whatever i ate the night before. After a few weeks, i’d puke whatever kind of food i ingested. Then, i got weak. Really weak.

I’d have what i now recognize were panic attacks, thinking of going to school. I started hiperventilating and my head hurt. I had this sensation of having a plastic bag lodged on my throat. Eating hurt, not eating hurt. I couldnt keep food on my stomach anymore. Swallowing was a nightmare, only to throw it up again and again.

From january to the end of february, I lost about 30kg. Then, in 10 days of march, i lost 10kg more. I was so skinny i could see all my bones. By my birthday, drinking water started to hurt.

All this time, we went to so many doctors. I was by no means a fat kid then, but one look at the simptoms and my “body type” and the doctors told me i was bulimic. Of course, i pleaded to all of them. “I want to eat, i AM hungry and i NEED to eat”, i’d say. None believed. By then, I hadnt gone to school for almost a full month.

At my birthday, everyone would say how pretty i looked. This is something i’ll never forget. To most of my family, and my friend’s families, i looked better past half dead than in any other moment. I looked pretty as an almost corpse. I’d look prettier dead.

The day after my birthday, i couldnt move anymore. I was so tired. I couldnt keep water in my stomach anymore, and i knew i was dying. My bro came to visit, and his dad managed to convince my mom to take me to yet another doctor. Dad was so glad that they came by and told mom that, bc he couldnt take time off work to take me himself, and mom agreed with everyone else that i was prettier and looked better this way, so it must be nothing, right?

On the 13th, a monday, we went to see the final doctor. He did something no other doctor had before: he looked down my throat. Told us that i had nervous esophagitis, a very simple and easily treated thing. It started as a simple sickness, but my mental state made it worse. I was down to half my weight by then, which got him very worried. He told mom that if we had waited a week more, i’d be dead. It had been 2 days since i last had water.

A week after starting on the medicine he gave me, i ate a chicken skewer. A big one, at that. I like to say that i never stopped eating after that. I got fatter and fatter. And i love it, and i love my body now. All this, all my beatiful circumferences tell me that im not near death anymore. Every time someone says im too fat, the only thing in my mind is “im alive and well”. Every time someone suggest a diet, or talks about it around me, i try to consider that im myself, and they know what they’re doing to themselves if they follow any of it. But it still haunts me sometimes.

This week was a very bad one for me. Im going on 30 and i have nothing but my body and my health. No job, no perspective of life, nothing else. Just myself, my existence. And yesterday, i got sick. I puked everything out. Im feeling a little better now, but it scared me. Still does. I never want to look like that again, to feel like that again. And i wont, bc i know better now, and im strong, and if i need medical help i can just go and get it.

Im not okay. But eventually, i’ll be.

And if i could talk to my older self, i would try to help her. She didnt deserve what she had to go through. I know i didnt. But things got better, and they will keep getting better in time.

For many years, i couldnt see myself as her. I couldnt look at this picture and see me. But now that i understand better, i can. I can see the struggles, and the tiny workings i didnt understand back then. And i can work, the hardest i can, to never let it happen again.

#personal #tw #death mention

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beesmygod · 5 years

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this is what riverdale is about (part 6)

part 1

part 2

part 3

part 4

part 5

and now...we come to the end of our journey...the final 4 episodes of the season. who killed jason blossom? you forgot that’s what we were doing, huh. you were way too distracted by sex archie and the jughead/betty relationship (called ‘bughead’ in universe).

i have a friend who has been watching riverdale because i have basically tricked him into doing so and frankly, what i am typing here was and is only the surface of this show’s nonsense. as he watched episodes, he reminds me of all the completely bananas shit that this show throws at you literally every second it is on screen and honestly its a relief to know that, as much as i can try to just give you some basic facts, watching the show itself is still a totally different transcendent experience. its really the only show of its kind; shamelessly stupid but unaware of it while openly delighting in all the silliest cliches presented as straight faced as possible. if these write up do anything for you at all, please, please. watch the show. you will be shocked at how much more there is to discover.

images are from the riverdale wiki

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SEASON 1 (PART 4):

the lost weekend: this is the one with a very special guest star in it: molly ringwald as archie’s mom! she and fred (luke perry) have been separated for some amount of time for an unknown reason. yay she’s so cute! i love her. oh uh, also they’re getting a divorce. the papers are going through. archie gets the bad news in the middle of a gaming sesh with jughead.

meanwhile, veronica meets with her dad’s lawyer (whose name is paul sowerberry?? he never shows up again despite his unbelievably silly name) and tells him she’s not giving him a good statement as to her father’s character to help him get a lesser sentence. “fuck you dad!” is the general sentiment before she stomps out to go to school.

oh man there’s a weird aspect of this show that i have neglected to mention. this isn’t something i’ve ever experienced in school so it was totally foreign and weird to me but the students have their own lounge that they mingle and talk in...at...some point during the school day?? jughead’s opening monologue of this episode makes great pains to talk about how every moment of their lives are scheduled from 8am to 3pm but there’s apparently plenty of sittin’ time where they can just laze about this random room talking about crimes they have or are going to commit. a great deal of talking happens in this room when usually you’d have to like, sneak a convo while getting shit out of your locker between classes. i dunno, it’s weird. this is where archie tells veronica about clifford blossom sending her dad to jail so he can jack the land everyone is fighting over.

archie and betty make plans to celebrate jugheads birthday by taking him to the movies, which i feel like is in poor taste given his movie house was just destroyed but whatever. with betty coming along it’ll be just like the three muskateers! betty replies “AcTuAlLy ThErE wErE fOuR mUsKeTeErS” and somehow he doesn’t beat her to death with his bookbag right there and then. betty then doubles down on the bad words flowing out of her mouth and proposes they hold a surprise party for jughead since, according to his dad, he’s never had one. i have no idea what would compel her to think he would want this. even i know he doesn’t want this and i only know him through a tv screen. on top of this she goes out of her way to invite his deadbeat alcoholic dad multiple times. i thought she was supposed to be the smart, observant nancy drew type but like...what the fuck betty. jughead does, in fact, get pretty pissed at archie just for telling his girlfriend that he even has a birthday. presumably instead of telling him he emerged fully formed from the leader of the black parade’s forehead.

after finding out from some files that her dad was receiving money monthly from clifford blossom for some unspecified reason before the arrest, veronica challenges cheryl to a dance off and wins. unfortunately, veronica cant come forward with what she knows because it would make it look like her dad put a hit out on jason in retaliation. dance off to relieve the pain.

jughead fucking hates his party and makes sure everyone knows it. this is something NORMAL people do and he is NOT normal!!! he leaves the party in a huff when cheryl shows up to get her dance off revenge by ruining the party by inviting the whole school. this is the episode where he does his famous “im a weirdo, i have a hat” speech, which is deliciously dumb. they get in a fight, while jughead’s dad talks to kevin’s boyfriend (who you will remember is a member of his gang he assigned to keep tabs on the progress of the teens looking into the whole land plot mess) while betty’s mom secretly listens in?!

cheryl activates chaos mode and locks everyone in the house so they can play a game called “secrets and sins” which is really just an excuse for her to ask everyone horrible questions to make them feel bad. veronica accuses cheryl of fucking her brother, dilton doiley tells everyone about grundy’s statutory rape of archie andrews and chuck tells everyone about dark mode betty drugging him for an impromptu bdsm session which causes jughead to go apeshit and try to throw a weak little baby punch. jughead’s dad, as the only adult who for some reason let all this happen, finally throws everyone out and tells them to go home.

archie and veronica sleep together, by which i mean, next to each other in the same room. veronica testifies on her father’s behalf and discloses to betty the link between jugheads dad and the serpents and her dad’s land plot dreams. molly ringwald appears for 20 seconds.

INHALES. OKAY.

to riverdale and back again: its homecoming babey! archie’s very supportive mother has a nice talk with him. :) veronica founds out that her dad only has to serve “a few more months” in prison for his various white collar crimes, further proof that riverdale takes place in america. jughead and his dad have a nice normal breakfast while fp sweats and asks him “hey uh, how come uh you’re writing about the uhhhh murder and investigating it and stuff” like a normal dad would. archie and veronica tentatively agree to start going out.

penelopy blossom brings polly (betty’s pregnant sister, remember her? i didn’t) a strawberry milkshake in the most ominous way possible. veronica plans to sneakily find out if jughead’s dad is helping her own and for what purpose, ultimately. jughead accepts and invite to betty’s house for dinner, not knowing her mom is going to grill the shit out of him and his dad over the whole kid murder thing.

polly finds the ring jason proposed to her with back in penelope’s room while snooping, and has no idea how it wound up back in the hands of his mother. according to penelope, jason threw it in their face when he renounced his lineage, then gives her another milkshake.

the cooper family event is disrupted when betty, wise to her mother’s horseshit, invites her estranged dad to dinner too. all hell breaks loose when the subject of homecoming comes up and fp reveals that while alice and hal were crowned homecoming king and queen, they got in a knockout, drag-out fight backstage. alice flips out before he can reveal what it was about and betty and jughead flee for the dance. meanwhile archie and veronica try, and fail, to find something incriminating in fp’s trailer.

cheryl discovers the milkshakes are DRUGGED and polly is going to sleep through homecoming. she informs her parents that she has disposed of the ring (evidence) and they dont have to worry about it anymore. you can see where this is going.

jughead’s dad drops a bomb on him right before homecoming that they’re going to move to toledo to meet up with jughead’s mom and baby sister. jughead hates this bc he just got used to betty and he wants to write his murder book.

archie and veronica sing a truly terrible cover of “kids in america” that has to be seen to be believed.

youtube

meanwhile, sherrif keller tears up fp’s house with a search warrant and finds the gun that was used to kill jason blossom. WHAAAA??? BUT ARCHIE AND VERONICA JUST SEARCHED IT??? how could this happen.....jughead finds out about the web of deception weaved by the friends and tells them all to fuck off so he can go to toledo with his family. jughead literally turns around and is informed that his dad was just arrested for murder. his life is so hilariously bad.

the sheriff sucks so bad at his job because he tells his gay son everything who then spills the beans to archie and co (sans jughead) who learn that fp is being framed, because they already tossed the place before.

cheryl has the ring. at this point none of these things mean anything.

i cant believe i still have two more of these. i’m going to have to split this post after this one.

anatomy of a murder: as it turns out, archie discovers, information you discover during a breaking and entering won’t hold up in court. oops. meanwhile fp inexplicably confesses to kidnapping jason after his fake drowning at sweetwater river so he could use him as ransom after discovering he heir to all that sweet maple syrup money. according to fp, jason nearly escaped so they cut their losses and blasted a hole in him. he also confesses to torching the car and stealing the sheriff's files (which we, the audience, know hal cooper did, not fp). well. that’s that, i guess.

betty’s dad comes back to the family home to destroy the murderboard evidence all like “whoo hoo! fp took a bullet for me!” hal’s concern and his reason for stealing the files in the first place, as it turns out, was because the feud between the coopers and the blossoms is more complicated than we thought. the coopers WERE blossoms, until grand-pappy was murdered, so they packed their shit and left with a new name. so that makes polly and jason related. cool!

fp apparently used his his last phone call to call kevin’s boyfriend who, after some pressing by the gang, admits that while he didnt see fp pull the trigger, he did help him put jason’s body in a freezer. this tip leads them to the corpse of a serpent who had a sack of money in a monogrammed dufflebag with the initials “h.l.” (hiram lodge). this is a comically dumb move for a crime boss to make. it is shockingly stupid.

joaquin tells kevin about a secret stash he and fp set up before he bounces from town forever because riverdale sucks. in the stash is jason’s jacket. everyone puzzles over what it means until betty, noted brain genius checks the pockets. in it they find a usb drive.

they sit down and watch the usb and react like they’re watching a sad documentary and not a snuff film. betty calls CHERYL OF ALL PEOPLE and tells her what they just saw on the usb. cheryl, queen of chaos, confronts her dad and tells him that everyone knows what he did.

it turns out the video depicts jason tied up in the basement of the whyte wyrm, there the dead serpent watches over him. clifford blossom walks in and blows a hole in his kid. fp confessed to protect jughead, who was threatened by cliff as the heat poured on.

clifford dies surrounded by his greatest love, maple syrup, by hanging himself in the syrup barn. lol

the sweet hereafter: how the fuck is there another episode of this? they solved the murder, what else could there possibly be to do. wtf. anyway.

the cops find hella drugs in the maple barn after clifford’s death. the assumed story is that jason learned about his dad’s heroin smuggling business and threatened to tell the cops on his dad which lead to his abduction, and eventual death. i guess the polly thing is in here too somehow. not important i guess. the lodges prepare for hiram’s arrival. betty and archie are going to be honored by the mayor for cracking the case at the 75th annual jubilee (wtf). hermoine attempts to buy fred out of the project now that the cops are cracking down on the serpents and making them the face of the construction company is now a very bad look.

betty tries to write an article for the town paper about fp being innocent but her parents wont publish it, citing it as a conflict of interest given she’s smooching the subject’s son. jughead FINALLY JUT NOW gets a social worker who realizes that fred has a dui and is not fit to care for a kid. he has to transfer to a new school district...SOUTHSIDE HIGH SCHOOL!!!

cheryl apologizes for throwing hands at jughead in a previous ep and gives him her iconic spider brooch. i am only bringing this up because she says, specifically, that selling it will net him a good amount of hamburgers and “s t-shirts” for years. why is she the only one who notices he only wears one kind of shirt. betty’s article getting published in the school paper leads to the above retaliation.

veronica’s mom honest to god asks her to sexually manipulate archie into convincing his dad to sell the project to her.

betty’s mom, after a confrontation, tells betty abt the fight she and her dad had on homecoming night when they were high schoolers. turns out...alice was pregnant. she gave the baby up for adoption after she went to the sisters of quiet mercy, like she did with polly, even though hal wanted an abortion. betty immediately tells all her friends this shit.

jughead transfers to the new high and flourishes. turns out they’re all baby gangsters there so they look at him and his dad as kings to be admired. when the archie group heads off to go rescue him, it turns out they dont need to do anything. but now that theyre all conveniently together, veronica gets a txt from cheryl saying she’s going to go be with jason....

they rush to the river where cheryl is having her ophelia meltdown in his stupid little river boat dress where she punches through the ice until she falls through. theres no way to describe how silly this scene is unless you see it so i won’t try but its so melodramatic and cheesy that youre going to be amazed that it got through the writing team at all. archie saves her by punching through the ice the other way. from under the ice. you will soon find, that all of archie’s solutions are to punch things.

betty does a speech at the jubilee that convinces fred not to sell. a nice ending for him.

meanwhile cheryl burns her fucking house down for a lark. just for the drama of it all.

the same night, jughead and betty start to fuck, as do veronica and archie. not int he same room, like totally separately. but jughead is interrupted by the serpents and a dog named hotdog, who give him a jacket of his own so he can join the team. betty is scandalized.

archie goes to meet his father for a breakfast at pop’s chocklit shoppe for a serious talk. but while he’s int he bathroom, a man with a gun is holding up the chocklit shoppe. he demands fred’s wallet, then pops a hole in him and runs off.

and that.........is where this season......ends.

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thank you for joining me for season 1 of this shitshow. i love this shitty show. if you loved reading about it, or were mortified by whatever the fuck happened here, then you should watch it as well.

i never pass up an opportunity to shill myself, so if you like what i write, drop me a buck or two at my patreon. i do more writing like this, but also i mostly make comics, so make sure to read the page when you’re signing up so you know what you’re getting!

i WILL return...with season...2!

https://www.patreon.com/aghoststory

#riverdale

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jj-ktae · 6 years

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GOT7 In Paris Experience !

First of all and before I start fangirling, let me tell you one thing : GOT7 LIVE IS DAMN LIT IT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND.

Let me start with the beginning.

It all began when our plane landed. I was with my sister and we were supposed to meet @jaebeomsmullet at the airport, which was a day before the concert.

It was kind of crazy that our plane landed 2 hours before GOT7’s flight. We were on GATE 2D and GOT7 were supposed to arrive at GATE 2F which is like, super close. We initially had to go to our Airbnb but you know, people were waiting for them and I thought it would be cool to have just a tiny look. Never thought we’d actually see them this CLOSE later!

It was insane. Yes. Everyone was running around, yelling, pushing, and I was so shocked to see this. I was able to see them before they walked out of the airport.

Actually an old lady, who was waiting for her daughters to see GOT7, came to us and told us “hey, why are you waiting here, they are right there!” while pointing another direction. I was like “meh, she must be mistaken.” But still I told my sis and Jen to wait for me wait and followed her and BOOM, this old lady took me to GOT7. Like, she just pointed and they were there, and no one had seen them yet and I was like “WTH THIS IS GOT7” lol So I texted my sis so she could bring Jen because they were still waiting near the gates.

It was nice, I asked the security to move from in front of them so I could take pictures and they just went “oh, sorry, there you go.” And walked away lmao. I mostly watched them after I took a couple of pictures, too ashamed to take more, especially when Jackson looked up and saw me haha (at this moment he instantly became a HUGE BIAS WRECKER, ASK JEN.)

So they walk to the Gate’s doors and this is when everyone runs and goes wild. We just walk away, thinking they will escape the opposite way but they lowkey just walk toward us as they were taking the same exit and I just remember watching Jinyoung in his “Parisien” outfit, in awe, while yelling to Jen ‘DON’T MOVE THEY WILL CRUSH YOU” lol I saw all the fangirls and fansites run toward us and I thought we were going to die lmao.

This is when I start realizing I just saw GOT7 and I barely landed in Paris lol. I have my luggage and pictures/videos of GOT7 (Bambam and Yugyeom waved at us before people noticed them but I was watching Jinyoung so I only saw when I watched the video I took with Jen on the way to the Airbnb lol).

Then my friends tell us people are ALREADY queueing in front of Le Zenith and I’m like WTF I need to be front raw I didn’t come all the way here for that and Jen, who had CAT A tickets needed to be close IT WAS MY DUTY TO LET HER SEE HER MULLET OKAY, I PROMISED HER.

So, later that day, and after a lot of anxiety and panic, we end up in front of the concert hall AT 11PM THE DAY BEFORE THE CONCERT. It’s raining, everyone’s wild, the park around the venue is DANGEROUS AT NIGHT but who cares, we grab survival blankets (Jen falls asleep at some point while I cover her body from the cold lol) and we good for the night. It was honestly crazy, we ended up running around because we needed to pee in this dark place at 4am, full of drunken men (the French Fanbase had to call the police at some point as men were fighting) well, I’ll spare you the details but this night was wild but we had our numbers. I was number 32 in the VIP section and Jen was 39 (I guess ?) in the CAT A section. So far everything’s good and I know I’ll be front raw, Jen will be close, and everything will be alright.

At 7am, we get our last numbering and go back to the Airbnb BUT OH WELL I get a call at 9 telling us to come back because the venue’s security decided to do another numbering and we can lose our numbers? At this point we’re sleep deprived, starving, in need of energy but we have to run back there? Thank god our Airbnb is like 8 mins from the concert or else I would have gone NUTS.

So we go back, I tell Jen to survive and fight if needed (fangirls are MEAN. Let me tell you, everyone was fighting.) The VIP section was a mess and the CAT A was WORSE.

Around 12pm. THE GUY FROM MMT (JIN) SHOWS UP, FINALLY. AND HE TELLS US WE WILL KEEP OUR NUMBERS. Thumbs up to Jin-ssi, I also sent him hearts. My boi.

At some point, Jen is lost into the CAT A crowd and I have no way to find her because the sections are separated and CLOSED. My final number is 51 (they added the TOP 10 tastemakers who had TWO VIPS TICKETS + Two handicapped people who had to enter to before us). They tell us to come back at 3PM because they will start organizing people since the High Touch will be BEFORE THE CONCERT. Like we needed to die before they even start singing lol.

Jen is nowhere to be seen. The last message I get from her is “People are fighting” And I’m like Damn it will she die before she sees her mullet.

SPOILER : SHE SURVIVED.

I grab my bracelet with my official entrance number and go back to the Airbnb because I had slept outside and had to come back before I even took a shower. I literally feel like shit.

We had enough of the bullshit at some point lol. But when we come back and have to wait again, Mark, Jaebum and Youngjae appear and run down the building’s stairs while laughing lol

SO NOW ON TO THE GOOD PART.

We wait for more than 2 HOURS. They made us come at 3pm but the High Touch starts around 6PM.

A guy comes numerous times with a camera and runs around, filming the VIP Section while we’re dying under the sun. YAY GOOD TIMES.

We enter and then they tell us “You’ll be doing the high five with your left hand so remove the rings and everything hanging on your hand. NO CAMERA, NO CELLPHONE, NOTHING.”

They give us water and the staff goes “NOW DRINK.” GOT7’s Staff is really cool and chill, they’re smiling and happy to see us but it’s already so hot inside we’re dying. They tell us to smile, to be happy, that everything’s going to be awesome and we know this, WE KNOW THIS IS GOING TO BE EXTRA.

Then they tell us to walk as it’s about to start and I slowly lose my mind. I’m thankful I saw them the day before at the airport as I won’t have the “I’m seeing them for the first time” moment, which could make me go blank lol

The order goes like: MARK, JINYOUNG, YOUNGJAE, JAEBUM, JACKSON, BAMBAM, YUGYEOM.

Mark is the first I see from afar, he is very smiley and GORGEOUS. They looked different from the no makeup at the airport and I went blind for a second. Or died. OR both. Mark is very gentle, he hits so slowly and smiles and his sweet voice goes “Hey~" and all I can say is “…Hi…”. He has an amazing smile and isn’t that TINY. I was expecting him to be smaller but no, NOPE. He takes time to look at everyone in the eyes and I thank him for that. 12/10 would recommend.

Jinyoung. JINYOUNG. I don’t even have the time to speak because he goes “HI!” and boom, hits my hand so hard it flies away and laughs. Like, I can see his wrinkles and dimples and his face is ART. ARRRRTTT. He looks so HAPPY and SOFT. Like he is ready to be fluffy and honestly I was expecting him to be cool and greet everyone calmly but he is so EXCITED. He can’t stop smiling! AGAIN, I just go “..Hi..”

Youngjae is a damn sunshine. He goes “HHHIIIIIIIIIII!!!!” super loudly and does a very energetic high five with his sunshine self. I don’t remember his face fully as I didn’t look at him in the eyes. Jinyoung’s face was still HAUNTING ME. I just remember saying “Hey..” with my traumatized voice. I probably look stupid at some point.

Jaebum. LOL I CANT. I CANNNT. HE IS AMAZING. I wasn’t going to talk to them or anything so I wasn’t expecting them to TALK lol. The girl before me says “You’re voice is beautiful” and walks away and as I arrive in front of him he is shyly saying “..ah..Gomawo…” AND HIS VOICE IS EXACTLY THE SAME. I look at him, he looks at me, and says “..Hi!.”, leans and gently taps his hand against mine. AND HE SMILES. I MEAN, WHEN I SAY GENTLY, IT MEANS, VERY SOFTLY. It’s not even a high five anymore tbh. WHERE THE HELL IS CHIC JAEBUM WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM WHY IS HE SO SOFT AND SMILING AND BEAUTIFUL WTF. As usual, I say “Hi..” and TRY not to FAINT.

Jackson. SO yep. YEP. Listen to me, Jackson has SUNGLASSES. It’s IMPOSSIBLE to see his eyes (I think it’s because he was wearing lenses and didn’t want us to see, which I didn’t know yet.) And yeah, so far everyone had their hands up, ready to high five us but Jackson has his hand down, palm up, and is waiting like the king he is. I am kinda confused, what should I do? Hit his hand? Shake it ? NO. I am SO WEIRD, I just stop, look at his face, grin, and molest his hand. For real, I run my fingers on his palm, lowkey smirking and I LITERALLY CARESS HIS DAMN HAND. I think I make a weird, smug noise because I’m enjoying myself a bit too much. Don’t ask me why. It just happened. Then I grab it and squeeze his hand and he is just standing, not moving, he lets me harass his hand and it ends up in a sort of weird handshake lol WE DON’T TALK. I DON’T EVEN GREET HIM, I JUST CLAIM HIS HAND. CAN YOU BELIEVE I DIDN’T EVEN SAY A WORD, CAN YOU BELIEVE I ACTED LIKE A CREEP? FML. By the way, His hand felt very small. EH EH EH.

AND THEN BAMBAM INTERRUPTS AND YELLS. HE FCKING YELLS “HEYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!” while leaning toward Jackson and I snap out of it lmao He lifts his hand and I say “ᴴᵉʸ ᴮᵃᵐᵐᵐᵐ” (My soul is gone at some point, do not blame me tyvm). Bambam is loud but very friendly. I don’t remember much from Bambam because I just can’t believe this is happening.

Yugyeom. That lil shit acts all shy. He is half bowing half embarrassed. I don’t even know why he just looks very shy and red and has a bright smile and mumbles “..H..HI.” Like he doesn’t hump the floor regularly. Don’t believe this kid. DO NOT be fooled. HE KNOWS. He is also very gentle and then it’s time to enter the hall and I run for my life again.

I end up front raw. Bambam takes my friend’s crown “Bambam king of Dab”, bump his fist with us, does the Wakanda sign. We were a group of 15 and everyone had interactions. Youngjae bends to shake our hands, Jackson leans a lot and STARES. I don’t know why he stares at people all the time, but he always looks at someone. Yugyeom too. Overall, Jackson and Yugyeom stayed a lot in front of where I was, but everyone came and greeted us. I think they kinda have to stay around some specific parts of the stage thorough the concert.

Our fan projects were awesome, and we threw green balloons during the first chorus of You Are, and Jaebum looked SO HAPPY. Later he said “It was beautiful when you threw the green balloons. It makes me want to keep on being an artist.”

They were not expecting people in Paris to be so wild. Everyone was stomping the floor so hard that Mark said “It seems you’re having fun; I’m almost getting scared.”

Jackson said he will never forget this moment, Bambam said if he could come secretly, he would like to come to Paris and stay for a couple of months lol.

Yugyeom was stomping the floor a lot because he wanted us to do it too and at some point even the screens on both sides of the stage were shaking.

Oh and two of my friends made a heart during Firework (If I remember well), Jinyoung saw them and lift his hand like it was a sword and CUT THEIR HEART lol. So many of these interactions happened, I could write a whole lot more about it but it’s long enough already haha.

I was right in front of one of the security staff and I would like to thank them for being there! He gave us water during the concert, was funny and respectful and even told us “If they bend to grab your phones, give it to me and I’ll give it to them.” But no one did, maybe because people from the previous concerts THREW THEIR PHONES AT THEM.

TO CONCLUDE : IT WAS THE BEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE NOW LET ME CONTINUE WITH MY POST-CONCERT-BREAKDOWN. I have some videos and i’ll try to upload them because they’re very close to the stage but I suck at editing and I have to put credit and I have no idea how to do that without messing with the video lol :/// You can find awesome fancams on youtube and all over twitter, though!

Sorry for the typos!

ps : Every time Jackson looked at me he had the “you’re the hand fetishist girl” stare 😭😭😭

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sh-lan · 7 years

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better late than never winter break 2k16

Season’s greetings and best of bangtan came out i’m deceased

started watching goblin. forgot how real actors make me feel. <3 also that ost with punch and chanyeol gets me every time. (ha omg i accidentally made a punch reference LOL who am i)

OMG BIG BANG COMEBACK IN 3 DAYS. DIGGIN THAT LAST DANCE TEASER. hope it doesn’t disappoint

i was gonna give up on weightlifting fairy but then the end of ep1 got me like. FUCK GOTTA WATCH THE NEXT EP EDIT: still currently trying to finish it...

that moment when you forget about the ab flash from we are bulletproof and you rewatch performances and just

To quote leighton: “Your teef are shifting and you will be uglee" One week without retainers… EDIT: but like yo my teeth actually shifted and ow ㅠㅠ

Ok so i made a sideblog for my bts feels so hopefully this main one wont be splashed with too much bts lol EDIT: it’s still splashed with a lot of bts let’s be real here

So like the past two days there were lives from v and rapmon so i was like ok what are the chances that someone will do a live? So i actually woke up to check my phone pretty continuously from like 7am and what do you know. I woke up around 20 minutes in to eat jin + chimchim + kook and i was as ecstatic as someone could be at 8am. But the connection was terribad and they ended it prematurely but OH WELL Then after waking up at 11...i went on twitter and was smacked in the face with not only jungkook but multiple other members. Ahhh what a good morning. Also this bitchass tagged the nochu shit AGAIN smh

New snow filters got me shookt esp jimin’s facetime call one I fckin cant

december 15th I AM SO SHOOKT BTS I AM COMING FOR YOU OMFG #goodbyenewcomputer #goodbyenewphone EDIT: omg i’m literally trying to see my loves on the day of my love’s birthday #whoami

Omg that moment when i rediscover the letter from my korean shadow and then i’m like ??? He has a brother in YG i totally forgot about AND THEN AFTERWARDS I TELL VANIA AND YURI. THEN VANIA SHOWS ME AN ARTICLE WITH POTENTIAL YG BOIS AND I WAS LIKE HAHA NO WAY HE’S GONNA BE THERE BUT ????? Kim joon gyu. My shadow’s name is kim jin gyu. And i just. THEY LOOK ALIKE BUT DIFF? Oh my god IT HAS TO BE HIM???

Ahhh here goes another rejection. But that’s ok because too many good things cant happen to me right?

OHMYGOD WE ARE GOING TO BTS WINGS WORLD TOUR #dec17th

Visited a wonder of the world! #butgotlike6mosquitobites #chickenpizza cancun for a week in the middle of winter break felt...really weird because i went from 50 degree weather to 70 degree weather BUT it was fun nonetheless. although i missed some awesome scuba diving experiences due to mother nature, it was just quality vacation time. also got a massage at a beach with ma. what a wonderful experience lOL and ziplining was fun too! so that’s an experience for the books. but honestly all inclusive hotels are so dangerous i swear i came back from cancun 5 pounds heavier -_-

GOT JACKY INTO TOWER OF GOD. YUS.

Why are there still so many things to take care of when it’s break smh

hnngh omg what to buy and going broke and money and omg no

Finally fixed my roots on december…26th? Man my hair grows really slow but damn pudding hair

Struggle is real when you cant drink han and i went to the sunset brewery for our anniversary and i ate a lot of food but also i suck at drinking and let’s just say it ended with me throwing up but that’s ok. so i just took a bath and went to sleep LOL

i just freed 6gb of memory because that’s how much memory virtualbox was taking up. hello???!?!?!?!?!

need buy army bomb need buy presents need buy more presents what do what is money EDIT: but actually wot is money doe

Went to a barry’s class today and it was fun!! Expect i’m sore now *cries*

Omg january 1st in the morning of ungodly hour of 2:30am, i open tumblr to be greeted with all the photos from the gayo daejun and I’M FUCKIN SLAYED BY ALL THE JUNGKOOK PICS FML WHO IS THIS CHILD I AM DED

Omg i saw this suggested post but i lost it and now i can never find it ever again smh why

Someone tell me am i going through puberty again because i have at least 6 pimples on my face omfg

but like why do i like so many of the designs for the bts stuff? like the HYYH era had such quality packaging and graphic designs and wings is so simple yet great and then there’s covers like dark & wild and 2 cool 4 skool looking angsty af but also just creative? wot is life how to work for bighit

Ok i updated the tumblr app for better browsing purposes BUT SOMEONE TELL ME WHY THERE ARE RANDOM SHIT ADS IN THE MIDDLE OF PEOPLE’S BLOGS. HOLY CRAP ARE YOU SRS RIGHT NOW

Gotta watch yuri on ice and haikyuu

Honestly im really sad that there arent any uniqlos in sd because I LIVE AND BREATHE THAT STORE WHEN I HAVE IT AROUND ME *cries*

have i been living under a rock or did i just happen to forget that WJSN is under starship??? wtf wait…

why is school already emailing me pls stop

i can’t believe i haven’t jumped on haikyuu until now, 2014 me what were you doing

The wind and rain is pretty crazy right now ;___;

ok but like every time i try to type “btw” i end up typing “bts” lol…

Y'all i’m so shookt i cant wait for jungkook’s new cover release I live for this

ok but like how did i forget that i booked a 9:35am flight back to sd especially when i can’t even get up in the mornings i thought i booked a 3pm flight…

Can we just take a moment to appreciate that kageyama slams two buttons on the vending machine because he cant decide which drink to choose I thought he was just being stupid But This is lifechanging for me i’m going to do that forever

okay but all the year end performances were alfjeklajfeiwajfeiowa bts <3 ALSO CAN I JUST MENTION THE SEVENTEEN PERFS. LIKE. OMFG. WONWOO SANG. HE SANG. I REPEAT. HE SANG.

andddddddddddd that was winter break? this was the last winter break that i’m probably every going to have *cries* but welcoming in 2017 was nice! we all had a smol celebration while watching countdowns from around the US before actually having our own little countdown at home. we ate at that one malaysian restaurant in chinatown, went to whole foods to grab a bunch of food before heading home and enjoyed champagne and cheese! then han went to countdown for a bit before coming back...lol. and the rest of us just played bang for like 4 hours straight before heading into bed for the new year. it was fun!

and i really can’t believe that we had 1 month for winter break - which i thought was just a little too long. but i guess in retrospect, it was nice to end my college career with a month long winter break. LOOKING FORWARD TO 2017 (even though we’re already like 2 weeks in because i’m late in making this post...lol)

#mumble mumble #winter break mumbles #debs in college

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leaving-all-of-it · 7 years

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Ahhhhh

I just feel so trapped and alone.

My mental illness symptoms are really making functioning SO difficult lately and honestly I’m.. not functioning that well. I have not been showering as often as I should, I have not been eating enough at all the last few days purely because of lack of physical and mental energy/spoons to cook and prepare food, my sleeping habits are also very bad, and I’ve been just dragging myself around most of the time.

Yes I have been getting some stuff done through it, which is really good, and I’ve been praised by friends who understand the mental health struggle and say I’ve been doing really good. Which I somewhat have been.. but also not.

Especially when my aunt and uncle that I live with (until the end of this month) will be back next week and they are REALLY fucking uptight about everything being like PERFECTLY tidy (like they expect the dishwasher to not just be clean but UNLOADED and empty.. which hello depressed fuck over here thats just NOT possible 90% of the time mates). They don’t understand mental illness at ALL and haven’t even accepted explanations I’ve given them before and explaining a lot of the time I just DONT have energy and its NOT PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE for me to do something.

So I can’t help but continually seeing my progress in the eyes of my family members and neurotypicals the last few days. I can’t help that when I packed up the whole bathroom - which required emptying cupboards and drawers, going through and throwing out garbage, organizing, and THEN putting into 2 boxes... probably took a good hour at least - I didn’t feel very accomplished I just stressed about the boxes in the living room downstairs and the papers on the floor and couch that I haven’t got to. About all my clothes I just tossed in the guest room to organize and put away.. but haven’t yet. About the mess in the kitchen I haven’t cleaned up. About the fact I haven’t cooked proper food for myself. About the fact my room is still messy and I have 293082948 things to go through and pack not only in my room, but also boxes in the garage, and items in the basement.

I’ve been trying trying trying so hard to push through everything the last two weeks, especially this last week. I’ve been TRYING to push through and just get ANYTHING done. And I have gone a couple times out to collect boxes from the mall, and I have packed up a couple boxes, and one day I sort of tidied the kitchen (its a disaster again), and I did get the garbage out last night (hallelujah!), and I did buy the things I needed for the shelter from the dollarstore and go to group... but overall, honestly, I can say especially from my personal internal experiences of the week; I have not been doing well.

Last night I STILL didn’t get to sleep until like 2am because I had my light on until 1:30 idfk why. So I woke up at like noon, and then didnt leave bed until after 3pm! I got up after 3, made some raspberry sauce on the stove to eat on top of my leftover pancakes; and then abandoned the pot and dishes and everything right there on the stove when I was done. I went up to the guestroom put a show on my laptop; HOPING to sort my clean and dirty laundry at least and throw laundry in... yeah that never happened. I watched the show on the bed and got increasingly tired and fatigued, and when it was over just laid on the bed half falling sleep for like an hour.. it was nearing 6pm at this point.

At SOME point I got downstairs to heat up 3 spring rolls and eat them. Then I watched a show for another hour or whatever. Skyped with my friend. Ended back up in guest room on my laptop on tumblr... Feeling fatigued, depressed, distressed and panicked about the state of the house and my functioning right now, very hungry, and its 8pm.

I feel so alone. I feel so anxious. I feel SO depressed. I feel so distressed. I feel guilty. I feel trapped. I CANT make myself do any of the millions of things I need to do. I’ve been pushing through... just dragging myself through the week somehow managing to get SOME things done.. but idk if its just it all catching up to me, or staying in bed until 3, or WHAT but I’m just so DONE. I feel so done and broken down and at the end of my rope tonight.

And not in a desperate, breaking down, panicking, sobbing kind of way. In a very numb and tired “I’m sitting here struggling to type this and stay sitting up because I am so fatigued and I just want to sleep. Also I am starving but have no energy to put anything into me other than cheerios but I know they will not fill me up in any way so I have no motivation to even go get them.” kind of way. Like.. just seriously depressed. Fatigued and numb and done

and Im deep down panicking over this because IDK WHAT TO DO

IDK HOW TO DO ANYTHING

I WANT SOMEONE TO COME BREAK ME OUT OF THIS OR DO A BUNCH OF MY STUFF FOR ME OR BOTH

BUT I CANT HAVE THAT AND I DONT HAVE ANY SUPPORT PHYSIALLY Or IN PERSON RN

MY FAMILY IS STUPID ABOUT THIS AND DOESNT BELIEVE ME

AND I STILL HAVENT TOLD MY ONE OTHER INPERSON FRIEND MY SITUATION LIKE AT ALL BECAUSE I HAVENT REALLY BEEN ABLE TO HANG OUT WITH EHR IN PERSON AND IM STARTING TO WONDER IF ITS PARTIALLY INTENTIONAL AND SHE DOESNT REALLY WANT OT HANG OUT WITH ME

hahhahah yayyyy

#dont reblog #obviously

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