The Dave and Dirk log, for obvious reasons, was something I wanted to try very hard to get right. That meant although we drafted it together via msparp, as was our custom, I ended up overhauling it way more than any of our other combo walkaround logs. A few chunks did survive the transfer, though.
In other news, we’ve made a solemn pact to finish TLC over winter break, which is good because I’m running out of bonus content. Hopefully we’ll have some assets to show off soon. I’ve already seen a few; they’re very nice.
DIRK: Hey, dude. You did pretty well out there.
DIRK: Didn't even die once.
DAVE: twice in a day is my max im satisfied with keeping that record
DAVE: even if getting machinegunned is rapidly becoming my "thing"
DIRK: Seems we each have our respective "signature deaths".
DIRK: Or at least it ain't a party until I get decapitated. That sure was something we needed to do again.
DIRK: Just once, for old time's sake.
DAVE: well that puts the nail in the meme coffin
DAVE: any time you panic someones gonna tell you to keep your head on
DAVE: like keeping your hair on except you know that shit aint going anywhere its probably shellaced
DIRK: That shit is bolted to the floor. Did you know I walked around with a girly-ass pink tiara on my head this whole day and had no idea?
DIRK: I had no idea. Couldn't feel a thing.
DIRK: And people let me do that.
DIRK: Can't fuckin' believe it.
DAVE: oh
DAVE: i figured you knew
DIRK: I am less than pleased with my Skaia-ordained divine color scheme.
DIRK: But I guess I have to live with it. It's part of the team aesthetic.
DAVE: you could always change
DIRK: Nah, with the tiara and tights ditched I have at least mitigated the enforced flamboyance. It's bearable.
DIRK: I can't be the one dude out of uniform. Couldn't bear the shame.
DAVE: my outfit is pretty sick ngl
DAVE: sburb knows everyones secret desire is to have a cape
DIRK: Unfortunately, mine isn't long enough to also make for a good tactical maneuver.
DIRK: Not gonna lie, that was pretty funny.
DAVE: if nothing else my attempts at combat can provide a source of humor in our lives
DAVE: but honestly id be fine if my fighting days were over
DAVE: i was never into it
DAVE: rose on the other hand was obviously itching to beat people up
DAVE: one of those 12 year olds who wants to get jumped in an alley to work out her suppressed anger
DIRK: Maybe Skaia did make a few miscalculations in dumping your asses with your respective guardians. I think you'd get along well with Roxy and her cats, make her budget her time away from the alcohol.
DIRK: ...in theory.
DIRK: Rose can go a few rounds with me if she wants, we still need to sort out who has the rights to document our legendary journies.
DAVE: ill plan your funeral
DAVE: what kind of flowers do you want
DIRK: ...there's different kinds?
DAVE: damn thats right you grew up in waterworld
DAVE: these choices matter
DAVE: allegedly theres a thing called "flower language"
DAVE: whether you can actually send someone a boquet telling them to meet you in the pit i dont know
DIRK: Like, I get that, in theory, different kinds of flowers exist. But I fully anticipate any attempt on my part to conjugate in the language of said plants would end in my coffin declaring my hovercraft was indeed full of eels.
DIRK: Maybe it'll have thorns on it. Or it'll be like the sixteen millions tons of green bullshit covering my land and making my nose itch.
DAVE: probably
DIRK: Worst case scenario, I'll pick out something orange and present to a prospective love interest and it'll mean something like "my brotherly passion for you knows no boundaries, and also no homo".
DAVE: my bro wouldnt go for flower arranging
DAVE: or pink tiaras
DAVE: he was pretty uptight about the whole rah rah macho act
DAVE: probably subscribed to alpha males weekly
DAVE: which is weird considering
DAVE: well
DAVE: youre gay right
DIRK: Uh.
DIRK: Well.
DIRK: My symbolic quest land is not covered in green bullshit, but I.
DIRK: Happen to like watching birds, if you know what I mean.
DIRK: Fuck, you probably don't know what that means. Jake and his goddamn thousand euphemisms.
DAVE: cant say i do no
DIRK: Nobody knows what it means but Jake. It's an old time epithet for being into dudes.
DIRK: He knows all the old epithets, including some I suspect he made up.
DAVE: so
DAVE: thats a yes
DAVE: in a roundabout way that includes birds
DIRK: I've never denied it.
DIRK: I'm just.
DIRK: Not a huge fan of the word. Why, in this world post-society, do we need to confine ourselves to labels like "gay"? Such constraints were washed away from my world with the rest of the human race.
DAVE: holy shit that was such a pretentious dodge
DAVE: dont let rose hear you say that
DIRK: Rose can hear all she likes.
DAVE: but anyway
DAVE: i wasnt asking to get up all in your business like SOME PEOPLE
DAVE: who are so into getting into other peoples businesses theyre basically the fucking mafia or the irs
DAVE: but
DAVE: it explains some stuff
DAVE: but on the other hand it doesnt
DAVE: the way you raised me was kinda aggressively mainstream masculine enough that it wasnt something that ever seemed to come up as an option
DAVE: [describe that type of culture and mindset better later, I KNOW what i mean but im tired rn lmao]
DAVE: and anything outside of that id just brush off because it couldnt apply to me
DAVE: and that went for pretty much everything that went against what you wanted for me
DAVE: including that
DIRK: And yet, here the man was, subconsciously shrieking his desire for floppy felt dong through,
DIRK: What I guess you could call his art, for want of any other applicable word at all. God, the mental images are crawling up the insides of my skull like the Exorcist child, do I want to know?
DAVE: probably not
DAVE: guess trying to act peak male has its drawbacks
DAVE: weirdly enough troll culture is obsessively hyperviolent but doesnt give a shit about sexuality
DAVE: they dont see the difference most of the time i guess
DAVE: and so like
DAVE: maybe it rubs off on you because in some ways that kind of makes sense
DAVE: but after so long its hard to know what i feel and what it means because i spent so long ignoring it
DAVE: so i guess i was wondering
DAVE: if you had anything that might help with that
DAVE: or if youre also trapped in this whirling screaming maelstrom of bullshit
DAVE: while kinsey sits in the eye of the storm laughing
DIRK: Wait, wait, wait.
DIRK: You're coming to me.
DIRK: For advice.
DIRK: Do you know what a laughable hurricane of disaster my interpersonal life has been?
DIRK: Like, in a weird way, I'm kind of honored, especially since about five hours ago you were scared shitless to be around me, but.
DIRK: I'm standing here and waving my credentials in the air just to display how I don't fucking have any. My degree is a sham and my hands are empty except for a crudely scribbled on piece of construction paper.
DAVE: are you suggesting theres a gay university
DAVE: where you study bird watching
DIRK: Do I look like a man who's been to college?
DAVE: fair
DAVE: but like
DAVE: your friends know
DAVE: how did you broach the subject there
DIRK: I might as well have been dating a Yoko Ono for the devastation it wreaked on our friend group, so yeah, it was a little hard to ignore.
DIRK: Compounded by the fact some smartass from Gay University was using my social circle for romance geometry homework.
DIRK: It wasn't even a love triangle so much as a love roundabout.
DAVE: ok but thats just because you were a dipshit not a gay dipshit
DAVE: they were chill about the first part right
DIRK: Thanks.
DIRK: I mean... Roxy always seemed disappointed.
DAVE: luckily i dont think anyones waiting in line for me
DAVE: i guess im blowing it out of proportion
DAVE: i dont think anyone will MIND
DAVE: no one did about rose and kanaya
DAVE: didnt even question the vampire bit which goes to show what our lives are like these days
DAVE: like ok our outfit has vampires now
DAVE: thats a thing that we have
DAVE: if i say oh hey i might be bisexual theyll just say sure pull up a chair at the acronym table
DAVE: the only one who might be weird about it is john
DAVE: but hed be just as weird if i told him id changed my favorite color hes just like that
DAVE: the only person its really a big deal for is me
DIRK: Jane was a little bit like that. I'm pretty sure the only reason she had to object was because she found out the day I made a move on her crush.
DIRK: It might just be growing up in a household where you're not regularly fighting for your life, and thus what genders are kissing whom has the space to be higher on your priority list.
DAVE: that aint anyones priority these days
DAVE: im prepared to acknowledge the concept that hey maybe everyone elses lives dont revolve around me and my personal drama or self revelations might have some merit at least as a hypothesis
DAVE: when i met kid english he kept going on about how i was the most important person and everyone else was side characters
DAVE: and maybe ive acted like that sometimes
DIRK: Yeah, like you alone are the one responsible for everyone around you.
DAVE: and maybe ive acted like i think that way too sometimes
DAVE: ive been wrong about people
DAVE: people i care about people i shouldve known better
DAVE: i was wrong because i wanted to believe things that matched how i wanted the world to be
DAVE: things that made it easier for the story i was telling myself
DAVE: i dont think kid english meant to call me on it but damn
DIRK: Reality is, after all, something we construct for ourselves.
DIRK: I think maybe I knew that all along when I surfaced for air inbetween shoving my head as far up my ass as it would go.
DIRK: Or maybe that's just what I try to tell myself in hindsight.
DAVE: well if it takes a hyperactive 12 year old version of the final bosss creepy hero worship of me to make a point i guess thats not the least subtle way the universe has sent me a message lately
DIRK: You want unsubtle? Let me tell you about my damn planet quest.
DAVE: haha
DAVE: i didnt have to do much of my quest because im invisible
DAVE: thanks mom
DIRK: My denizen practically sat me down like it was my life coach and growled in my ear about improving my communication skills with a guy I told to go fuck himself not eighteen hours prior.
DIRK: So while I'm glad SBURB has a vested interest in me repairing my friendships, playing electroshock death DDR with him was a little on the nose.
DAVE: maybe getting shot again wasnt that bad
DAVE: so weve all learned our life lessons good job team
DIRK: Exactly. Can we wrap this up now? Can we please go rest?
DIRK: I'm so exhausted I haven't even noticed I'm still hungover.
DAVE: sure thing
DAVE: but if i need tips on leaping out of a closet to intimidate passerby i might text you
DIRK: I mean, I can try. As long as you don't ask me for dating tips. That, I definitely shouldn't be helping you with.
DIRK: Go talk to your sister for that.
DIRK: ...wouldn't she, by the transitive property of siblings, also be my sister?
DAVE: yeah i guess
DAVE: but theres no way in hell im asking rose for dating advice
DAVE: on her first date which she refused to admit was romantically oriented she got wasted in anticipation forgot to show up and then fell down the stairs
DIRK: Oh my god.
DAVE: she tries to look like shes got her shit together but its a lie
DAVE: if you find my corpse floating on lolar in the next few hours dont let the truth die with me
DIRK: Why are we like this?
DIRK: Is there actually something hardwired into our DNA that predisposes us to being disasters?
DIRK: But, that aside.
DIRK: I won't object if it's me you come to talk to.
DAVE: ill hold you to it
DAVE: and if you ever want to publicly you admit you
DAVE: "enjoy birdwatching"
DAVE: in less vague and evasive terms
DAVE: ill have your back
DIRK: Thanks.
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