carry on wayward son has become my heat of the moment.

if i hear that song one more time i might actually go insane

i’ve always found it peculiar how during meeting the chargers cutscene the game just assumes your character automatically understands what krem is talking about when he mentions binding (though, granted, it’s all very unsubtle). like, this is a roleplaying game. what if i want to play a character who just doesn’t get it

I wonder if the toa mata recognized themselves in their own memories from before mata nui.

I dont know, i think theres possibilities to be explored about that. Suddenly remembering yourself and what you find being a complete stranger is a common thing for amnesia plots i guess but also i think this could be even more jarring. Like a more genuine difference between killing machine and living being.

Its less a matter of nature vs nurture and more a matter of nature with a certain type of nurture. Nature dictates they are powerful and driven and well meaning, but the way they are brought up produces completely different people.

Their first taste of life was a sterile room with nobody but each other and a disembodied voice reading out their duties, establishing an arbitrary hierarchy within them, and then sending them to a glorified bootcamp where a ruthless instructor worked on making them into skilled combatants and nothing else, teaching them how to use their elements as tools and weapons without indulging in them; they got a vague sense of what and how a community feels like with the Av-Matoran - as outsiders, as its protective shield, there for them but not with them - only to get that stripped away from them too because their role as life saving tools to be preserved under glass just in case of a crisis was more important.

I wonder if the Toa Mata, the ones who were taken to the Koro of Mata Nui and listened to the Turaga's tales and reprimands and would have moved mountains for the Matoran who treated them like older siblings, return with their minds to things they said or thought or did from before the Island of Mata Nui and stop in their tracks. Whose memory is that, they think? That can't be mine. I am not like that. My siblings are not like that. Some things are perfectly right, they cant deny that; but just as many if not more are so wrong that they almost feel like a really cruel joke somebody planted into their heads.

Kopaka and Tahu got along, even if they dont want to admit it because they need to bicker like children or theyll die, but are more surprised that they werent as tentatively close with anybody else. Lewa remembers so much frustration and tedium and anger that if he stalls in his memories too much he genuinely starts feeling queasy, Pohatu has remnants of bitterness and passive aggression that still cling to him like the smell of a cigarette on someone who gave up smoking, and they both hate that because its nothing like them. Onua and Gali feel like theyre peering into some kind of imperfect clone's brain when they try to remember - its themselves, they know that, it has to be, but there are certain things they know about themelves that are just completely missing and its kind of dizzying to realize that.

Im not even sure they liked each other. They work together because its their destiny, but they don't seem to seek each other out for fun or anything else. In their training days they had to be shoved in each others direction or they would have never solved their obligatory group assignments.

I wonder if their terrors and flaws could partially come from this first life that they had too. Gali's fear of her anger and Lewa's disregard for duty stemming from Hydraxon's methods - she internalized his reprimands about feeling guilt for living enemies, but without any memory of him she believes the words resurfacing in her mind from time to time are her own, and is appalled by their cruelty; he was forbidden from enjoying himself, from indulging in any form of fun, of entertainment, of joy, and unconsciously now he rebels by shirking away from responsability to do whatever he wants.

The responses to Tahu's decision regarding the codrex haunt him, the whole situation, really; how he stripped his siblings of any say on their fate because he was the leader, not even telling them or explaining himself until they had no other choice, and if he could treat them like that once then what would stop him from doing so again and again until he doesnt even think about it? Kopaka is uneasy about it too. He knew the plan and supported Tahu only because he tagged along, but hes very, very acutely aware that he would have been left just as much in the dark as everybody else otherwise, and he would gave not even had anybody to seek any comfort from because hes fairly certain none of the others would have liked him enough to care.

Onua as @cantankerouscanuck pointed out to me mightve taken Hydraxon's teachings to heart, hence why he's so quiet: no use in expressing weakness, right? But karda nui must have been hellish on his senses, with all that light - a tangible physical discomfort that would bleed out into an emotional one as he becomes conscious of how none of his siblings go through this, thus he must be damaged in some way, faulty, out of place, and so he seeks to be alone, digging himself away. And its not hard to imagine how Pohatu (who hasnt had the chance to grow into the affable, kind toa his siblings can always lean on when they need to yet) would become convinced of his uselessness within the team and seethe about it.

They arrive on Mata Nui as broken war machines with no clue who they even are and suddenly find nature and community and love, and in a moment theyre people.

I wonder if the environment helped. Being thrown upon a beach in the open air with nothing but a whole world that is so alien and yet feels so right beckoning them to come closer. Discovering their powers and their domains freely, immediately - first thing they did was dive into their respective elements without a second thought, naturally magnetized, taking after them like it was the simplest thing in the world, because they are the first toa, the first beings capable of harnessing these powers in their whole universe, and its in their nature to be so connected to them. Maybe it helped. Maybe it made them feel connected to their own selves enough to figure themselves out in a way they couldnt have done so before.

Maybe it helped to find out their collective destiny each on their own, in their own environment, at their own pace, surrounded by younger siblings who look at them with awe and curiosity and frustration sometimes, guided by people who know how being alive works with all its good parts and messy bits and who can tell what having so much power means when youre barely aware of how to use it or what to do. And maybe it helped to find out who their siblings were in a similar way, introducing themselves as they wanted, as they felt like, without a specific order, and learning to recognize each other as siblings with all the things that make them insufferable and all the things that make them the best and what makes them happy and what makes them angry and how they sound when theyre worried and how likely they are to chase you down to the other edge of the island for doing something stupid, and like real people they grow and develop and change and stay the same, and then they meet the memory of themselves from before becoming people and its...

Idk. Its like the realization of who they used to be and the distance between themselves and those selves, and the fact that they dont like them.

just two dudes chilling, maybe brainstorming case names

[image description, courtesy of @army-of-bee-assassins​ : Fanart of Kim and Harry from the video game Disco Elysium, drawn in grayscale. They are sitting across from each other at a table, papers and photos scattered between them. Kim is holding a page out towards Harry. They are both smiling at each other, looking like they are chatting and laughing. End ID.]

*gently pats bloodmoon*

Question, is bloodmoon your sona? Or do you have another one?

Bloodmoon is my sona yes! I often refer to them as a cracksona (and they were mainly that originally) but over time they've become a full fledged sona jfkhg

I do have another sona but they are pretty much the same character as Bloodmoon - their lore is basically they a shapeshifting fairy dragon and their form changed after nearly a year of hanging out and bonding with Sun and Moon

It's why Bloodmoon has ears, a tail and little dragon wings on their back gfjkgh they are leftover traits of their previous form

Acting on an emotion

INFJ: Okay, but in all seriousness: am I overreacting? I mean is it even as big of a deal as I perceive it to be?

ESTJ: Yes! It's not nice what they are doing and it's been bothering you for three days, so tell them that it's been bothering you. It's completely irrelevant if that's appropriate. Having that feeling is valid either way.

INFJ: I don't care if my feeling is valid, I care about whether it's appropriate to act on this feeling. It does matter to me what people think of me and I don't want to stop being on good terms with them just because I'm feeling some emotion.

ESTJ: In this situation it's irrelevant if they find your response appropriate. You find their behaviour unfair, so you think your reaction is appropriate. At some point you have to start standing up for yourself. Whether you do that or not is up to you, but you will not get an unemotional factually "correct" response to an emotional question.

INFJ: I don't like emotional questions. I don't want anyone to know I have emotions.

ESTJ: I know, but that doesn't make them go away.

if you see me post about game of thrones in the year of the lord 2023 don’t interact. i’m working through some stuff

wci doodles

.

Cardio said my echocardiogram ultrasound, exercise stress test, and week long heart monitor all showed no serious issues, my resting heart rate is fine, but that my heart rate does seem to rise very rapidly under even small amounts of stress (postural changes, taking stairs, casually walking around my house) and rises very high (160+ bpm according to the monitor) so now I get to be put on beta blockers to see if they work and if they do she said that is sufficient evidence to confirm for sure that it's POTS.

Obviously could confirm it as well with a tilt table test but those are TORTURE based off what I've heard from fellow POTSies so I am very thankful that she doesn't think that's necessary and will not be making me do one.

i feel like as i get older i get more emotional, sentimental, sincere, or maybe i'm getting back to that after years and years of being afraid to be seen as too much or cringe or stupid, like i just wanna let myself feel things and be genuine. on that note i teared up listening to run away with me by carly rae jepsen yesterday

Me trying to mentally prepare for the possibility of Hilda season 3 being bad like 🤩

As an aro, it can be absolute hell trying to exist in fandom.

The amatonormativity of it all, where ship content garners far more attention than other forms of content, the constant stream of romantic art/fics, and how, even as I block most popular ship tags and break mutuals constantly just to escape it all, there's so little nonromantic content out there that I barely get to experience my fandom in the first place!

It's disheartening. Every day I feel like I'm shoved just a little further out of this space that was supposedly made for queer people like me to enjoy.

Fandom was not made for me.

I'm already loving The Star Splitter!! Will there be a romantic relationship between Harry and Draco and will it be an age gap relationship?

hi! awesome, i'm so glad!

there will be a romantic relationship between harry and draco...but not past, younger harry! at this point, and especially since the timeline has split, there are now two harrys:

the 7-year-old harry who will (hopefully?? there are still Obstacles) grow up raised by draco, happy and well-taken care of, voldemort of no concern (hopefully???)

the 34-year-old harry we all know, who grew up with the dursleys, defeated voldemort, is a healer now, and made the grave mistake of drunkenly hitting on draco at pub night, which started this whole thing.

there will eventually be romance between draco and the second harry, who will join the plot at some point in part 2 (while haunting the narrative a bit through part 1). it will be slow burn! but yeah, spoiler that adult harry (who is henceforth known as potter from draco's pov, always, because now young harry is harry to him) does eventually find out what draco's done.

a good chunk of this fic is going to be devoted to showing how the two harrys, thanks to draco's intervention, have diverged to form different people from different timelines, contrasted with what's similar about them.

tl;dr: yes to eventual romance between harry and draco, but not between young harry and draco; adult harry comes into play at a certain point.