i love how things that went unsaid in all the other arcs, the things that if said wouldve changed so much, was finally just...said. acknowledged. the love and need to protect and the confusion and anger and trying to stick it out with each other even when feeling so alone, always coming back... it stopped the cycle, and i am so glad for it.

Why I think Fine Line has to be listened to in full: A masterpost

So, a couple of weeks ago, literally one lovely anon asked me to do some Fine Line and Walls lyric analyses, which I know is not probable cause for me to bombard all your dashes with a masterpost of incoherent rambling. However, as I began trying to analyse the songs on Fine Line individually, I realised that most of my opinions are built upon the links between the songs. So, I decided that I’m going to try and explain why I think that Fine Line is more like a journey through a long-term relationship, from Harry’s perspective, than twelve stand alone songs (i.e. You need to listen to all the songs on the album in order to understand some of the more cryptic meanings). I don’t necessarily think that there’s something major to say about all the songs (Harry can be quite literal at times) but I’m going to talk about each of the lyrical choices that stand out to me.

So, without further ado, here is my take on Fine Line:

Golden

I’m kicking this off with Golden, mainly because it’s the first on FL but also because I think my interpretation differs slightly from others I’ve seen.

Golden, for me, really starts off the album by introducing us to where Harry is at now upon his journey with the album’s subject. It’s essentially an ode to an amazing, ‘golden’ person, who has continued to persevere with Harry as he’s gone through some trying and testing stages, which will then be acknowledged and spoken about later in the album. Here’s why:

Golden, golden, golden, as I open my eyes,

Hold it, focus, hoping, take me back to the light.

So, Harry starts us off with some hefty repetition that confirms straight away just how great this person is. However, when he says ‘as I open my eyes’, I think he’s referring to the early days of their relationship. In the following line, therefore, I believe he’s longing for the ease of their early days. The subject and their greatness hasn’t changed (hence the present tense and frequent commands in the second line) but Harry has, and whilst he knows its for the best, he can’t help but long for the simplicity of when they first met.

I know you were way too bright for me.

I'm hopeless, broken. So, you wait for me in the sky.

Browns my skin just right

Here’s where I start to get the idea that it is Harry’s issues that have perhaps separated the two of them. Through it all, the person has remained perfect (in Harry’s eyes), someone to look up to who has a wonderful patience and enough love for Harry to ‘wait’ for him. The line ‘browns my skin just right’ is so lovely, because whilst Harry is acknowledging that there were times when their relationship may not have been working, this person’s perfection has never faltered, and they’ve continued to improve Harry’s life and make him happy.

You're so golden (x2)

I'm out of my head

And I know that you're scared

Because hearts get broken

So, I feel like the final lines of each chorus are where people start to get confused with this song. I think – and here’s where I think people might start to disagree with me – that Harry isn’t saying that this Golden figure is scared of their own heart getting broken, but Harry’s. Whilst they continue to be perfect, ‘golden’ in every way possible, they’re afraid for Harry, of what Harry might face as a result of his actions but this song is Harry’s way of saying that it’s okay, I’ll be fine.

I don't wanna be alone (x2)

When it ends, don't wanna let you know

I don't wanna be alone

This part confuses me a little, because when what ends Harry? Going down the lines of the rest of my interpretation, I’m gonna guess that Harry is talking about their relationship. This, to me, is one of the many times across Fine Line where Harry admits his faults a lot more than most other artists do in their songs. He doesn’t want to be apart from this person, so much so that he’d be willing to make it work even if it should truly be over.

But I, I can feel it take a hold (x2)

I can feel you take control (x2)

Of who I am and all I've ever known

Loving you's the antidote

But, it doesn’t really matter, because he’s happy allowing this person to steer the course of the rest of his life. Loving them is the ‘antidote’ to his fears, and he wishes they could see just how wonderful they are so that they’ll stop worrying about him.

Chorus repeated

Bridge 

I do find his live lyric changes very interesting here, I’m pretty sure he’s now said all of these at some point ‘I’m hoping someday you’ll open’, ‘I’m hoping someday he’ll open’ and ‘I’m hoping someday I’ll open’. Either way, they all still fit in this interpretation for me. I find it especially interesting that the last lyric change (at the jingle ball) was so recent. I think perhaps this is yet another indication that the turmoil referenced in this song is not yet over. 

I know that you're scared

Because I'm so open

These are another two lines that I see talked about a LOT and they are hugely important to my interpretation of this song. I do NOT believe that Harry is saying this person is scared because they can’t be as open as Harry. I believe, again, that he’s saying they’re scared for him. They’re scared of the possible backlash that Harry might face for his openness (if we’re getting personal, perhaps his gender expression, his sexuality, etc.). For me, Harry definitely isn’t saying, I know you’re scared to be as open as me, it’s him saying: I know you’re scared about me being the way that I am, about how it might get me hurt. But I. have. you. And that’s all I could ever need, it’s the antidote to all my fears, and I hope one day you’ll be able to see that you’re the reason I’m able to be this ‘open’.

Overall, I think Golden is Harry’s promise that, for as long as he has the ‘golden’ subject, he’s safe from his heart being ‘broken’.

Watermelon Sugar

I don’t think that Watermelon Sugar has been wrongly interpreted in the past (ie, I do think it can be read as a celebration of the joy found in a sexual relationship). However, I think some lyrics are actually super wholesome, and I read WS as more of a teenage version of Golden.

For example:

Tastes like strawberries

On a summer evenin'

And it sounds just like a song

I want more berries

And that summer feelin'

It's so wonderful and warm

Everything about this first verse just screams adolescence to me? The summer evenings are those in which you played out with your friends until the sun finally went in at 9pm, and the ‘song’ is a beautiful one that you’re listening to for the first time. That’s what the love felt like for him, at first. It was passionate, yes, but also endlessly warm and safe.  

Baby you’re the end of June

What do we associate with June here in the UK? Long days of (well I wish it was endless, but at least persistent) sunshine. Here’s where I get my evidence that WS is about the same person as Golden. This person is a ‘summer evening’ personified, they’re his sunshine.

I want your belly

This lyric is just??? The cute little face emoji??? In a lyric??? Like, ‘belly’ isn’t a word I hear adults use very often??? This lyric tells us that Harry longs for that feeling of initial infatuation, the time when all they could think about was being together and getting lost in one another. 

Ultimately, I see WS as the Golden prequel. It’s their relationship before either of them faced any hardship, when they were able to be freely and completely ‘washed’ up in one another. The WS days are the days he yearns for when he asks to be ‘[taken] back to the light’ in Golden. 

Adore You

Not a huge amount to say about this song. I think it’s worth mentioning that there are many indications that it’s definitely about the same lover as Golden and WS. Harry uses similar weather analogies, this time referring to a ‘rainbow paradise’ instead of the more literal sunshine he refers to in Golden and WS. But it’s the same theme. AY makes it clear that Harry associates this person with everything bright, warm and comfortable, they’re ‘brown skin and lemon over ice’, they’re his summer. This song, however, is more about him begging for them to just let him indulge himself in his love for them.

Lights Up

I don’t have much to say about the whole song that hasn’t already been said but have we talked about this lyric?

All the lights couldn't put out the dark

Running through my heart

Because I think it’s important that he accepts darkness in a song and an album that is otherwise so focused on the light. I will be saying this a lot, but Harry has a habit of acknowledging his humanness in his lyrics in a way that I don’t think a lot of artists manage to (think: ‘arrogant son of a bitch’, ‘what am I now?’, ‘I’m selfish so I’m hating it’). This line really does it for me. ‘Lights up’, otherwise, is a non-apology for Harry accepting who he is. But in this line, he seems to acknowledge that it doesn’t matter how much he accepts himself, it doesn’t right the wrongs he’s committed, or dull his imperfections. But Lights Up is him saying ‘I don’t care’. 

So earlier, when I said that he’s asking the subject of Golden not to be scared? This is what he’s talking about. He’s asking them not to be scared about the consequences of him stepping into the light because he’s not scared any more; he doesn’t care if his ‘heart gets broken’, because he’s done not being ‘open’, and he’s joining his ‘golden’ person in the light.

Cherry

Cherry is where the album begins to truly delve into the more difficult parts of this relationship, where they perhaps took some time apart.

I was going to do a full lyric analysis of it, but the more I look at it, the more I just think it’s Harry at his absolute pettiest (and if anything that kind of makes me love it more??)

Have we ever discussed how much he sounds like a stroppy child when he says ‘Did you know I still talk to [your friends]?’ or ‘Does he take you walking round his parent’s gallery?’ I can almost picture Harry asking these questions in a high-pitched, whiny voice when he drop some stuff round at an ex’s place. The reason this makes me love him even more is he’s not just admitting to that post-break up stage that we all go through but kind of pretend that we don’t, he actually wrote a whole fucking song about it. He’s admitting that even he isn’t free from getting a bit overly bitter about watching your lover be happy without you. It’s such a lovely way to capture what is otherwise quite an unpleasant feeling, and again, it’s Harry acknowledging his humanness. 

Falling

And then, after that initial feeling of utter pettiness and jealousy, comes the dejection, the realisation that you’re not the same person that you were when you were in the relationship as you are now, without them. Cherry and Falling confirm, for me, that whether it’s a break up Harry’s talking about, or just some really serious troubles, this relationship really forced him to look inside himself.

Most of its quite self-explanatory, but there are some particularly heart-breaking lyrics in this song. In the last chorus, when Harry asks ‘What if you’re someone I just want around?’ he perfectly captures that feeling of knowing that right now, your relationship may not be healthy for either party, but, as it’s basically all you know, you just want that well-known comfort. He’s almost begging them here, asking them why his love for them isn’t enough to make it work, even though he knows they need time apart.

Linking it to my interpretation of the rest of the album, I think there’s a real importance in the image of Harry ‘falling’. He told us in ‘lights up’ that he was never coming back down, yet now? He’s ‘falling again’. He hasn’t reached the ground, but he’s in danger of doing so.

Also, I feel the need to talk about the short bridge 

I get the feeling that you’ll never need me again

I think the really important thing here is the verb, to need. I don’t think Harry believes there is no chance of repairing the relationship. Instead, I think that he knows there’s a possibility they’ll want one another again, but they’re grown enough to recognise that they can exist apart, they don’t need each other anymore. 

Therefore, as gut-wrenching as this song is, I see it as Harry’s acceptance that he might not need this other person in his life to display the confidence he did in Lights Up, but he wants them there, oh so desperately, ultimately bringing us back round to ‘loving you’s the antidote’. 

To Be So Lonely

The last of the not-so-happy tracks (well, other than Fine Line but we’ll get on to that). Their relationship is on the up again, but there is a lot of repairing to do.

Again, this song isn’t overly cryptic. But there are some important things to note.

Don’t call me baby again

In ‘Cherry’, he was pleading with them not to use that pet name with another man. Now, he’s pleading with them not to use it on him. I get the sense that he’s finally accepted  that they can’t immediately act like nothing's happened, and is willing to try at friendship, but he isn’t quite ready yet himself. 

I just hope you see me in a little better light

Do you think it's easy being of the jealous kind?

Light imagery, again. He’s hoping that now, the subject is able to see him as a better person, perhaps less petty and angry as he was in Cherry and less self-pitying than he was in Falling. Once again, he beautifully displays his flaws in the following line, making it clear that even pop star Harry Styles is guilty of being a jealous little bastard.

And this is it, so I’m sorry

When he enters the chorus after this line, he creates the impression that the chorus is his apology, confirming what he said earlier on in the song (that he’s actually just really bloody bad at apologising). But even considering the moody undertones, this is still an apology. He’s saying that he knows this person had their reasons to spend some time away from him, he knows they both needed it, he just needs a little more time to wallow. It’s the most indulgent song on the album. 

I think it’s really important to note that whilst the tone of the song can appear slightly angry, he never once calls the subject out on any of their faults. It’s just as self-deprecating as the rest of the album, and he doesn’t imply that the subject is ever anything but the same person he idolised in Golden, WS or AY. Essentially, TBSL is Harry making it clear that he needs time to be dramatic, even when he knows they’re going to make it. 

She

I’ve seen some absolutely wonderful analyses of She, and I share in the sentiment that it is most likely about a journey with gender identity, so I will refrain from rewriting the thoughts of others here.

I do, however, think it’s worth mentioning that back in the Golden analysis, when I referred to the thing that maybe scares the ‘Golden’ figure, and back in the Lights Up analysis, when I said that Harry has found who he is? I definitely believe there’s a link to the journey referenced in She. I think Harry’s journey to self acceptance was something that he had to go through alone, but that didn’t stop it from impacting upon his relationships. 

Imo, Sunflower forms the final part of the perfect trio of celebratory songs, alongside Golden and Watermelon Sugar. Golden encompasses the journey, Watermelon Sugar is the beginning and Sunflower comes after the period of separation, as they’re rebuilding their relationship. It’s basically Watermelon Sugar 2.0, the adult version. 

Sunflower, Vol. 6

And finally, we're out of the woods!

This time, however, Harry has realised his worth. My not-very-common interpretation of this song is that Harry is the sunflower, not the subject. Why do I think this? Well:

Sunflower (x2), my eyes, want you more than a melody

Like a sunflower turned towards the sun, Harry is stuck pining for this person and longing for their light, ‘more than a melody’. Again, we have multiple links to different songs. The first time they got together (referenced in WS) their love was ‘like a song’. This time, he wants them more than a melody. It’s going to be better, brighter and happier. Alike Golden, this person is as important as the sun, but now Harry, too, is something beautiful. (I know that he always was but he’s realised it now)

Let me inside

Wish I could get to know you

Sunflowers, sometimes, keep it sweet in your memory

Here’s the line that really makes me think Harry is the sunflower, not the subject. In order to be talking about the subject when he uses the word Sunflower, this line would be a switch from speaking directly to the subject, to speaking directly to an audience. I think it’s much simpler than that. If we read the whole song, instead, as simply him speaking only to his subject, then he’s almost asking them to ‘keep it sweet in [their] memory’. Perhaps, this is him showing them that he knows he’s always been this beautiful in their memory, but now he’s aware of it, and wants to ‘get [back] inside’. 

I was just tongue-tied

I don't wanna make you feel bad, but I've been trying hard not to talk to you

This just has super innocent energy for me. It’s mega-sweet. He doesn’t want to make them feel bad, he knows he had to learn who he was, and now he’s figured it out he’s just desperate to share it with them.

I couldn't want you any more

Kiss in the kitchen like it's a dance floor

I couldn’t want you anymore tonight.

Wondering headshake, tired eyes are the death of me.

Mouthful of toothpaste, before I got to know you.

I have nothing to say other than these lines are adorably domestic. He’s longing for the warmth and comfort of the love he knows they can share together.

I've got your face, hung up high in the gallery

I love this shade

Again, Harry’s making it clear that he still sees this person as worthy of his ultimate devotion. But this time, the tone is just way simpler than Golden. ‘I love this shade’ suggests to me that he just loves what they are now - he loves to colours that they’ve grown to be, together.

The rest of the song is quite repetitive but there are some stand outs:

Your flowers just died

Plant new seeds in the melody

Yet another lyric that makes me think that Harry is suggesting that he’s the flower and not the subject. He’s changed, been reborn, and now they can plant new seeds together and he’ll grow into something even better. What’s important, really, is that he belongs to the subject, he’s their flower. 

And lastly, just,

I’m still tongue tied

Basically, confirmation that this song is about re-infatuation. He was tongue tied in the past, back in the WS days, and he still is now. He’s absolute enamoured with this person, and even now, they have the ability to make him speechless.

Ultimately, Sunflower Vol. 6 is about the feeling of falling in love a second, third, fourth, etc. time over. It’s about rediscovering everything you love about a person, and it brings us out of the rocky part of the album. 

Canyon Moon

Finally, they’re back together. Everything is so good this time that whenever he’s around any other couple, he’s thinking of the subject. 

There’s not much to say here, other than Harry’s repetitive bridge of multiple ‘I’m going home’ is sooooooo sweet because it’s almost like he’s just sharing with the listeners how he is so elated that he gets to call this person his home again. 

Treat People with Kindness

This is probably the only song that doesn’t appear to fit smoothly into my interpretation, but I do think it’s Harry finally acknowledging the outside world, beyond him and the subject. For instance, he doesn’t only use the pronoun ‘I’, but ‘we’ and ‘us’ (If we’re here long enough, they’ll sing a song for us).

Therefore, I don’t really know how else to interpret this other than it being Harry’s request for the world to stop judging everyone and their relationships so harshly. Meaning I can’t, for the life of me, understand a reading in which the relationship that he’s on about isn’t a queer one. But I don’t think I need to get into that...

Fine Line

I’ve already written several in-depth analyses of Fine Line and some of the lyrics that stand out for me (which you can read here), so I’m not going to do it again. However, I think it’s the most beautiful way Harry could have possibly ended the album. It may seem, according to this entire masterpost, that Fine Line wouldn’t make sense as the final song because the overriding tone of the last third of the album is so positive (whilst the song itself is so utterly heart-wrenching).

However, one thing that I think I need to mention here, is that no matter what him and his subject go through and no matter how much Harry endures, this person has remained, without fault, his ‘sunshine’, and Fine Line confirms that for us. Yet, he also acknowledges that the subject is also human, so human that they both have things even they’ll ‘never know’, and his subject has layers upon layers in their being --> spreading you open, is the only way of knowing you 

Ultimately, Fine Line (the song) confirms, for me, that this entire album is focused on someone that Harry has found a true soulmate in, his ‘sunshine’, but someone who he is in reachable distance of, who he can join in the ‘light’. And together, they’ll get through whatever the world throws at them. In a way, Fine Line almost completes a perfect circle, bringing us back around to Golden, ready to start the album again. The journey explored in the album is both Harry’s romance with the subject and his own journey to self acceptance, which are closely intertwined (revealed immediately in Golden). When we reach the final song, he’s accepted himself, but he knows that he and his partner are going to face more difficulties. Their fight isn’t over. But, with his overwhelming love for the person...

together, ‘[they’ll] be alright.’ 

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Dan’s video, my mistakes, my apology, moving forward

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Firstly, i love dan so much omg - i wrote my tweet here expressing all that love - but of course, more importantly, i’m so so happy and proud for him for coming out as queer!!! as well as phil’s tweet rt quoting dan’s video!! what a babe!!

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I know to some it may seem like a chance for me to go ‘ahahaha we been knew’ or ‘I told you sooooo!!!’ but as Dan said in his video, and as I have learnt over the years, to say such would be to disrespect the person coming out and their personal journey. 

To add to this, I also feel the need to say that I am very sorry for my behaviour and words that came with it a few years back on this blog when I was in my Peak phandom/phannie phase (it’s not really a phase, it’s just changed over time).  To explain, during that time I had a ‘bi!dan’ tag (and i think another one along the lines of ‘queer yt’ as well as ‘whatphan’) a few years ago in which I would frequently speculate, or regrettably use the term ‘headcanon’, dan (and phil)’s sexuality and make assumptions about the relationship for various reasons that I’ve learnt now don’t really justify why I felt the need to. I’d argue, it gets a little tricky to separate the irl person from the person we see in the videos, especially when you grow up watching them like their a cartoon character, but I’ll also admit, I certainly got carried away with my idea of Dan (and Phil) and not always thinking properly of them as complex people with complex lives with complex sexualities to boot! It was wrong of my to slap a label on Dan, even if I had my reasons I thought at the time were... reasonable.

I just want to clarify, even before dan’s video he posted today, that I have learnt that I shouldn’t have been so publicly vocal in regards to speculating dan’s (or anyone’s) sexuality. It wasn’t right then or now tbh and as someone who is gay/queer myself and had times of being scared to be so, I really should’ve known better and listened to my own preachings of ‘your words have impact’.

I don’t want to believe that I crossed as many privacy boundaries as some folks, I only came across bread crumbs those folks had left behind, but even then, it’s easy to put myself up higher and be like ‘I’m not thaaaat bad’. Now, I acknowledge that I still went too far in a lot of ways and certainly put my own feelings, desperation, curiosities and need to project first before Dan (or anyone else in his position of not being out). I am sincerely sorry for this and any negative impact my words in the past may have had on him (or anyone). I’ve learned to be better and hopefully have acted out to be so. I only say ‘may’ here because I don’t think I’ll ever be sure if he saw any of my posts specifically , but I still want to apologise.

That all being said, I’m not gonna delete my tag(s) (that I later changed to ‘dan likes boys’) because i feel like that would be pretty suspicious like I was sweeping it under the rug. This blog is a big record of me growing up from as young as 15 (I’m nearly 23 now!) and as much as it scares me, I don’t want to erase that, even the parts that don’t highlight me in the best way. I want to be honest and acknowledge my mistakes so people can learn from them. Please, if you come across posts in the tags I’ve mentioned that rub you the wrong way, take it with a pinch of salt as this is me apologising for writing without thinking and getting so carried away. Also, I don’t really wanna mention it here but this isn’t about ‘phan’ and I’m not sorry for my phan art because D+P have expressed that is all okay multiple times (and even partook themselves with fanfic in TABINOF / TATINOF ahah), I haven’t cared about ‘shipping’ them in forever, to me they are just as Dan expressed because (now) it’s from the source himself (well, quoted on someone else’s twitter ahah but my point stands). I’m also not sorry for like, seeing a part of myself in Dan and Phil, as well as their relationship resonating with me and reminding me of my own- with people I consider soulmates (i agree with this basically) - I’m just sorry how I went about it all and how that potentially hurt Dan.

In the end, I stand where I have since I first started watching them in 2009 - these thoughts and feelings fuelled a lot of my past behaviours but I’ve learnt to think before doing and embrace it on my own or in more private spaces but it’ll still consolidate and make a cool conclusion here: 

I’ve felt a connection to Dan, Phil and their lovely relationship - whatever it is to them -, and while I’m overwhelmingly happy that connection has been further validated with Dan’s video and Phil’s tweet afterwords, what matters most, especially now, is that they are in a position where they can feel happiness, pride and just contentment in themselves and each other (even if things aren’t perfect 100% of the time). They don’t need protecting from something that’s a part of who they are. They are also allowed to be private about that same something though. 

They’ve given me so so much joy, pride in being different, access to a incredible passionate community (and will likely continue to over the years), especially today so really it’s only fair they feel all the things they’ve given me (and literally MILLIONS OF OTHERS !!!) for 10 years :’) 

I love Dan and Phil and this honestly feels like a new era where we’re all grown up/learning to grow more! Here’s to being better, making progress, living our truths and !!! being queer !!!

Ep 7: 3 Steps To Recover From Codependency An episode of Love With Integrity By Silvy Khoucasian

Codependency can happen when we're giving up all of our needs, making too many sacrifices to accommodate the other person in our lives, whether it's a partner, friend, family member... When we fail to voice our own needs. We can even become super possessive or jealous because we put so much value on the other person and fear losing them, especially if they're bringing a large chunk of joy and happiness into our lives and if we're depending on them for that.

Codependency usually has a power dynamic. One person holds the majority of the power in the relationship, while the other enters a more passive, enabling role. We can make excuses for the other person. It's very similar to giving up our needs, right? When we're not owning our needs, we're dismissing ourselves, making excuses for someone else's behavior. Oftentimes, you see this when there's alcoholism, or the partner is using certain kinds of drugs, or any kind of addiction. It can be addictions to video games, porn, just addictive behaviors that are impairing/hurting the relationship, but we are making excuses for their behavior rather than calling them out in a loving way.

So this has a lot of enabling qualities to it. Enabling our partner when they're not willing to do their own work. Let's say we just really value growth, and it doesn't necessarily mean that our partner isn't growing themselves, they don't need to have that label of self-growth, but when we have a partner that's really really stuck in an area of their life, or we are having major communication issues in our relationship, and we are doing our best to be vulnerable and doing our part, and our partner is not meeting us in that, or a friend is not willing to do that, and we become enablers when we are not setting those boundaries, when we are not speaking to how that is affecting us. And it creates an unhealthy power dynamic.

Like I mentioned, not addressing our partner's addiction, or mental illness, you know, sometimes our partner may be struggling with trauma or depression or anxiety. And of course we want to be very sensitive and careful in bringing these things up. But when it is severely impacting their health, it's only a matter of time before that starts to affect us as well.

Another way we can become codependent is when we over-rely on our partner to fix us or make us happy. Or when we empathize too much with someone as a way to avoid facing our own pain. There's a really common theme of guilt for people that really struggle with codependency, where we often don't set boundaries because we don't wanna feel that guilt, we don't wanna feel bad, we don't wanna be that bad guy, we can't tolerate that feeling, so we'll avoid conflicts at all costs. We might even violate our own values to hold on to a partner or a friendship or a family member.

So the theme of really revolving around the other person is something that I've really struggled with tremendously in my own journey. ... As a sensitive person, I didn't always speak what my limits were. And because of that, I made the other person's experiences more important than my own. 

Another way for me was I'd give and give and give and overgive, and end up feeling super resentful, angry and wanting to blame the other person. And while oftentimes the people in my life weren't forcing me to give, of course, they were taking it because I was so freely delivering things, but I wasn't holding up my end of the bargain. I wasn't giving in small doses and saying, "You know, this is what I'm able to do today, and this is what I can provide." I wasn't aware and valuing my own limits. So pay attention if this is something you personally struggle with, that sense of over-giving, and then starting to get enmeshed with the other person. In a lot of ways, we might make decisions to get approval from someone else rather than decisions for our own benefit.

...

The common theme in all these experiences is that self-abandonment. And that self-abandonment can come in many different ways. Whenever we abandon ourselves to keep the peace or keep another, we lose. In reality, our partner, friend or family member loses too, because we will end up feeling so much resentment and there will be so much imbalance in the relationship, that even the person who is unknowingly taking so much is going to suffer. So, paying attention to when we start losing our sense of separateness and boundaries from another person... one of the things for me is I had a huge sense of my identity tied to taking care of people. So, paying attention to if that's something that you resonate with, and make sense of why these patterns and behaviors are so difficult to change, because they're so rooted with how you identify yourselves, and being really mindful and compassionate with yourself as you bring awareness to these habits.

The person that is in the enabling role, that is the person who is codependent, the neglecting-of-self role, has to be the one to speak up and recognize how enmeshed they are. They need to see how intensely they are focused on another person to get their needs met in unrealistic ways. And paying attention to how that shows up for you.

So, I'm going to give you three different steps to heal.

My biggest suggestion is finding a support group, working with a therapist.

Paying attention to where else can we get certain needs met? It's learning to trust that the relationship will still be there if we focus on ourselves. For people who are codependent, we have such a focus, an outside focus on taking care of the others, wanting to fix their problems, that we don't bring that same self-care to ourselves. We don't trust that we can take that step back and the relationship won't step back. So, journalling can really help, or having affirmations, but not that kind of toxic positivity where you just override where you are, but just gentle, loving statements, "I'm learning as I go", "I'm doing the best I can". These are loving and soothing statements rather than, "I'm not codependent", or "I'm perfectly healed as I am". Don't try to take the affirmations too far. Subtle, simple movements towards the healing and awareness that you want. "I'm feeling more awareness than I ever felt before", "I'm willing to see habits that will help me grow." Notice that they're still loving, but they're very grounded and rooted in reality.

And acknowledging that we put those really heavy expectations on other people is a big step too. Going to the relationships in our lives, where we have been perhaps expecting a lot from them and letting them know, "It looks like I've been really expecting a lot from you these days, I don't know how healthy that actually is for us, I don't know if that is actually fair for us." Even something simple like, "I'm going to have to set some boundaries with myself, and I know that's going to be hard, but please know that our relationship is very important to me".

The second step, is not shaming yourself for not knowing any better. Because if you knew better, you'd do better! It's so easy to start beating ourselves up and shaming ourselves, "Why did I give so much, why did I sacrifice so much of ourselves". Well, you had to play this out over and over again until you hit your rock bottom. Well, oftentimes we don't change until we are suffering enough that we need to implement behaviors. And so, honor that. Honor that process. If you hadn't gotten to that point of suffering enough, you won't have made those changes. And so, allow yourself to be proud of yourself for seeing these patterns and wanting to take different steps.

The third step, the action step, is really important. It is to put those boundaries up. "This is how much time I'm going to be able to spend supporting you today. I'm going to be able to be here for an hour, and then I'm going to have to go home." Setting some boundaries for yourself, maybe taking some time when you're home before meeting with a partner or a friend, and really checking in before you say 'yes' to an invitation. How can you do this event or go to this event or engage with this person in a way where it's mutually beneficial -- you still feel the connection, but you give yourself permission to not say 'yes' to every call of support.

What that looks like for me, when someone invites me to a podcast or to speak at an event or even my partner asks me to come to an event or a friend's gathering... In the past, I'd jump to say yes, I'd want to please him, I'd want to just do the thing that would make things easy to deal with. Now, one of the practices I do is, "I'm gonna need just a couple of days to think about it", and really giving myself a couple of days to feel into whether this is something I wanna do. I don't always do this, sometimes it's just, 'Yes! I wanna do this", or "No, this doesn't feel good". But for some of the things where we're just having a really overwhelming day, and I feel really stressed, and I don't want to make decisions from that kind of place, because my go-to is, "Yes", it's that pleasing. So starting to practice communicating boundaries. Even saying, "I'm not sure yet", is a boundary. And allowing yourself time to process and integrate whether something is good for you.

And this is gonna feel like a stretch, you guys, it's gonna feel counter-intuitive and deeply uncomfortable, because your pattern is to abandon yourself. You might even get resistance from your partner or your friends or other people in your life. That's normal and to be expected, because you're shifting the entire dynamic of the relationship. And that's the tricky thing with boundaries, paying attention to “It's okay if people are a little uncomfortable with our boundaries, but are they still being supportive about that”. It's one thing if someone in our lives is shaming us, putting us down or criticizing us for our boundaries. It's another thing if someone else is confused, struggling or going through their own process. That can happen. So, you can speak into that. That's actually something I really recommend. You could say something like, "You know, I know things feel weird because we're used to me kind of always being there in a certain way, and I'm still here, but I just really need to take care of myself, otherwise I'm not gonna have anything to give to you." And this transition phase might take some time. And you get to assess whether those around you are genuinely trying to find a way to support you even as they feel uncomfortable. So that's an important distinction to remember.

Mending

It’s interesting to be back in this place. A place I’ve known as my sanctuary and safe haven now has an edge lined with pain and discomfort. As I fell asleep last night, I could feel a knot tightening in my chest. My heart. I barely even knew the knot was there until it started to wrap around my chest and form into a rock that now feels wedged in-between my lungs. Hard and heavy, I carry this pain inside of me without even knowing. I wonder when I’m tired if I need rest or if my soul is simply tired from carrying too much sadness. Just when I feel like I have moved on, I realize how much of the darkness is still inside of me, hiding behind to-do lists and goals that me keep from paying too much attention to anything else. Just keep going. 

Last night, as I felt the block inside of me growing, I tried so hard to accept and honor the pain. To not label the emotions as “good” or “bad” and to not rush them away and push them down, but to truly feel it all. I just couldn’t quite let myself immerse completely in the pain. I begged for tears, but my brain and body resisted. So then, I tried to accept that: the fact that I can’t just send a demolition team in to tear down the wall. That I’m going to have to slowly break down these walls, brick by brick. The thought of doing this when I’m already so tired inside feels like the final push over a cliff no one sees I’m hanging on to. How can I survive opening up my heart? How can I face this pain alone? My bones feel shattered and my soul feels safer in a locked boxed. I don’t want to feel what happened. I don’t want to look back. I don’t want to forgive my friends that left me in the wake of my rape. I don’t want to remember any of it! Yet, the heart won’t let me forget the truth. 

The rock nestled inside that I felt last night reminded me, though, that choosing to NOT acknowledge and work through the pain is only a facade and causing me more harm. It’s not gone. It’s secretly hiding behind everything I do. As much as I try to ignore it, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s there living inside of me, poisoning my life. I’m grateful to see the truth, and feel my guides and angels are here to help me get through this pain in the next three weeks (how long I’ll be staying in my sanctuary). They opened up that door last night knowing I’m ready and fully supported. I actually felt an overwhelming sense of peace amidst the pain. Like something inside of me knew this was the first step to healing. That I’m on my way to joy and happiness and to trust the process. How I’m not alone! I could feel my heart opening and letting some light in. The Angels reassured me that this is so by the blessings I received in my morning oracle reading: 

Card #52: Mending - (Forgiveness; making amends; healing after arguments)

“Each time we are hurt and allow the hurt to pass through us without understanding and integration, we accumulate an unwanted burden. This keeps us chained to the very things we need to heal: the pain, the memories, and the arguments that we rehearse over and over. Now is the time to forgive, to release, to make peace, and to make amends to others. Set yourself free.”

Relationship message:

“You’ve come to a place where forgiveness is necessary if you’re to move forward. Separate or together, you and the other person are still experiencing the effects of a hurt that is impacting everything you do — even if you’re not aware of it. The energy needs to clear. What must you do to bridge this gap? Closing your heart is not the answer. You have the power to heal this wound. Ask yourself, what would love do? Only good will come of forgiveness and an honest redress.”

Prosperity message:

“Everyone makes mistakes, especially when you want something very badly. You may come to realize that in chasing after a pretty, shiny thing, you lost sight of long-term, sustainable prosperity. Sometimes you make choices that look good at first but ultimately lead to loss or failure. It’s time to forgive yourself and others. Don’t blame anyone else. You get to start again wiser, and more mature. The journey to true abundance can be bumpy. Make amends to anyone you may have hurt along the way — especially yourself. Forgive those who have taken advantage of you. Let go, and learn from this. You are now that much closer to achieving the kind of prosperity that really fulfills you. Nothing is ever lost or wasted when you view it from this perspective.”

Protection Message: 

“Heartbreak is a strange healer of souls. Our grief strips away our masks and loosens our tight hold on our separateness, where we view ourselves as “I” and the world as “it.” Loss allows us to see ourselves as part of a larger scheme, opening us up to sympathy, empathy, and dependence on others in the moment when we can’t hold ourselves together. And it leads us to become one with the greater whole again. Pain and suffering is part of life, and none of us will be immune to it. Can you view this loss, this pain, this dissonance, as a way back to Source? Let your sorrow break your heart wide open. You will never be left behind. You are loved -- now more than ever -- by Spirit, who does not want you to feel alone. One day you will look back and know this truth. (This protection message is EXACTLY how I felt last night when I mentioned peace flowing in amidst the pain!)

Deck: Wisdom of The Oracle Divination Cards

Here’s to healing!

XO, The Fire Rainbow

What do we say?

Last evening I was privy to a conversation among comfortable friends who agreed that as we have explored the years north of age 50, some things become easier. Like saying “No thanks” to an invitation without a sense of obligation, justification, or apology. I am paraphrasing one of those friends who said:” I only have so much energy and I am careful how I spend it.” She’s nailed it. We can still do most of what we have always done, but now we build in recovery time; not just physically but emotionally and even spiritually. Most of us in the age 55-60 range will admit that we feel we’ve earned the privilege of making choices with more self-interest than we once might have. There is a great strength and a knowing comfort in having acknowledged this age and stage of self-awareness, the newer self-appreciation that allows us to quietly disengage.

Saying no isn’t limited to social engagements either; it also applies to a lack of interest, favours that come with strings attached, and most bullshit in general.It doesn’t mean we become unkind, we still find patience with one another’s fanciful whims and will step up in support whenever we are genuinely needed. We listen to one another’s secret fears and nod knowingly in authentic solidarity without the need to “fix” anything. We laugh outright at one another’s nonsense in a way that only friends can...gentle admonishments served with a heapin’ helpin’ of “ I love you you big turkey!”

Saying “No” comfortably marks a kind of rite of passage. I wonder then if the same is true of saying “Yes” ? Our self-definitions and our needs naturally alter over time: “I am a parent”, “I am a daughter”, “I am a spouse”, “I am (insert any culture, hobby, profession or livelihood here)”: “I am this sum of many parts.” “I am a work in progress.”

We not only say “yes” to saying “No”, we also are saying yes to time for ourselves, both recovery and self-indulgence. We say yes to travelling places we haven’t been before because there was no room for that opportunity  while we were busy raising ourselves and others and all that entails. We say yes without guilt to asking for things for ourselves: “Honey I really need a couple of hours of downtime/a weekend away with the girls/ something to drive other than a Soccer Mom van. I’ll see you when I get back.” We need the people in our lives to acknowledge that we are still growing, still testing our limits, still curious and are finally taking time to play with all of that because we can.

My Beloved and I have undergone a journey over the last 18 months or so of figuring out what things that together or separately we are saying no and yes to. It has been in the hunt for a different kind of life, a quieter and simpler one, that we have discovered so much about what we don’t need anymore as well as those things that could be deal-breakers. We have said a resounding “yes” to purging our closets and our habits, sometimes because they are outworn and sometimes, to make room for new growth. A successful yard sale is one that means nothing you took out gets to come back in the house; if it doesn’t sell it gets donated, etc, which can feel like losing 200 pounds of ballast. We put half our stuff into storage in order to show and sell our home and we were amazed at how much lighter both we and the house itself felt. It was a bit unnerving at first to not have stacks of books on every shelf, momentos everywhere,  and a chair in every corner, but boy, did it bring a lot of light into our spaces, both literal and figurative. We each had the opportunity to go through “stuff” and decide what was truly worth keeping. It opened our attitudes a little wider in terms of where we might like to find ourselves next. We dearly love our families and community but do we really need to stay in the city in order to keep them? We love the work that we do, but do we really need to keep doing it full-time when there are other interests that tempt our attention ?

Leaving a job to devote my full energies to painting and clearing an entire house was both wonderful and not, because it took away part of my self-definition. In conversation people invariably ask: “and what do you do for a living?” Right now, I don’t. And that’s all kinds of weird. I write in my spare time, but I don’t make a living at it so I can’t really call myself a Writer. My massage table is packed away into storage with most of our belongings because we thought we would have a new destination secured by now, so I am not a practitioner either. My Beloved is happy to have me doing all the background stuff while she luckily earns enough to keep us both, benefits and all. But right now we aren’t at “home” in the traditional sense. We define ourselves and our choices often by the company we keep, the employment we have and the place we live. When one or more of those key things become ambiguous, it presents a quandary about exactly what and even when to say yes or no. We have found ourselves fine-tuning the definition of what “home” means exactly.

Over 11 years we’ve talked about living much more simply and harmoniously with the land around us; producing most of what we consume, using the energies of our minds and bodies, hopefully staying healthy and independent within our means for as long as possible. 10 years ago, we were all prepared to reclaim a brown-space and build ourselves a green-run straw-bale cottage. We took courses, helped heave and plaster bales on other people’s builds and constantly modified our designs. As we got older, we looked into adaptive technologies; maybe taking an old building and greening it to be more efficient and sustainable; lower cost, less waste. We compared design/build features, studied geographic land values and took a hard look at our resources weighed against our respective ages and abilities. In the past 18 months we have looked seriously at several different options along the spectrum and missed out on several of them because they were contingent on the sale of our own little city house. But really, they haven’t turned out to be losses so much as lessons. Each place offered a different set of possibilities, and we know that between us, we can make almost anything work as long as the structural bones are good and the soil is clean. We’ve said “Yes”  several different times. But the Universe seems to say “No, not yet”, even though each successive option brought us closer to our ideals.Once our city house finally sold, we quickly said “yes”, and changed it to a “no”; it the first place that came along  and we were impatient to move on. We certainly could have made it work, but there were hidden costs we decided we could not say yes to without sacrificing  part of what we’d learned we truly need. Most recently, we found a property we thought ticked the greatest number of boxes yet on our yes/no list, but one more time, it was not meant to be. Someone else got there first. We’ve come so close, a couple of times, only to find ourselves back again, still searching. There have been moments when it all feels quite personal though we know that it’s not. We know the pieces are bound to come together but the patience is hard.

At ages 58 and 53, we are blessed to have the luxury of saying yes or no. We are technically without a home though we have been made very welcome and comfortable at a friend’s house for as long as we need one. We have politely said “no” to people who’ve suggested we are crazy and should just let go of the dream. We have said “yes” to every creative idea presented to us, no matter how outlandish or daunting they might sound, because we have many loved ones who genuinely want to see us have a crack at making magic, and who very much want to come along for the ride. We’ve never felt like we were doing any of this in isolation. Our cheerleaders are just getting louder. The most resounding “yes” always comes from our own contemporaries who are also giving themselves permission to stretch and learn and say “yes” to their own dreams.

And while we continue our search, there are so many things to always say “yes” to: the company of old friends, the laughter of “I knew you when” and the communal dissecting of ourselves as 50-somethings who know damned well we are a long way from done. To the decent wines, and using the good china, to the shredding of old hurts and the letting go of mouldy baggage sitting too long in the back of the cupboard. We finally have the courage to bring the shadowy bits into the light and watch them dissolve as so much night mist, because that’s how unsubstantial they have become. We give away things we once treasured to someone we know will discover new joy in them. We make space to expand our perspective as we fine-tune our focus. We adjust our sails, knowing that the wind will change again anyway.

There is such beauty and such hope in the luscious and judicious use of the words “yes” and “no”. Say yes to tears of loss and longing, then dry them with another “yes” of new people and experiences. Say “no” to the obligation of events you don’t want to attend and “yes” to the ones you’ve always been curious about. Contradict yourself now and then, it certainly is humbling to get caught in your own clumsiness and have to regain your footing. “Oops” , and “oh well” also come in handy. We all fall. We get up, usually with a little help , and we just get on with it. Yes, yes we do.

Alone

Being consumed by a fear of the unknown once more because of my disappointment and anger amplifies the feeling of myself feeling alone. Having to bear the responsibility of an opportunity lost and the regret of having my hope bubble burst made me wonder why I am so unlucky, and why I didn't choose to leave earlier in spite of everything. I felt abandoned by someone whom I had tried looking up to, and this only served to impel me to validate all the negatives thoughts I have about her.

Demonising her, and the desire to make her pay, such thoughts started appearing and I almost feel justified for wanting to choose 'payback' as a way to end my relationship. I was prepared to trust her, to believe that she was also prepared to give me opportunities, but I see that up till the end, I would never be an employee she would think about taming. Ruthless impartiality - I can remain as just an intern, given that there will be others who can fill up the slots.

Yet, the underlying problem has always been this - I am aware that I could never fully bring myself to trust her and she could never fully trust me as well. I could trust her as my boss, but not as who she is in her totality. She could trust insofar in my role as an intern, but probably not as a full-time employee in the future. Perhaps it is the case that we did not fully trust ourselves enough to be able to deal with our ability and readiness to handle differences, just like my relationship with Gwen. We were not sufficiently motivated to take the risk that we can continue supporting each other.

Does this show that I am always a step too late to improve? I never let go of my concern for Gwen even after breaking up, until I decided to prioritise myself over her. I knew that I love her but I was not prepared to chase her back because I wanted her to stay true to herself and not confuse her feelings any further. I sensed her inability to embrace me as someone she could wholeheartedly support and I knew it would not be right for both of us to continue with a unbalanced tilted relationship, where my love for her would be stifling and overwhelming. Above all, I wanted her to be brave and not hurt anymore so that she didn't have to cry again. As I tried my best to move on, I was able to rationalise that she and I were not meant to be because we were both insecure and not ready to deal with the demands of our relationship. We ended up hurting each other unintentionally with our innocence, values and beliefs. I was resentful for not feeling validated by her and she was upset that I could not change enough for her and her parents. We saw our vulnerabilities as a mistake but the truth is, a relationship stays only because there are moments and pockets of vulnerabilities that we reveal to one another. Love and pain are 2 sides of a coin, and connecting them together is growth and support through healing. Sometimes, separation is necessary.

Still, I will not give up on our bonds, no matter how pathetic it may seem. Because she taught me love and I came to make sense of love in my own way thereafter, even if flawed and incomplete.

Back to a professional setting, my traineeship experience showed me and reminded me again that not everyone in a leadership position will turn out to be a good leader to all. Inevitably, there will be leaders who cannot meet the needs of some subordinates so a good leader will always be mindful to assign mentors who can step in to meet those needs. I could never find that mentor here, despite giving my best. Perhaps I didn't ask enough, perhaps I wasn't confident to do more, perhaps I was just lazy. But through it all, I was only told that everyone is just too busy and what I saw only confirmed what I was told. So I recalibrated my pace and I soon found my passion being slowly extinguished. While I don't think that I can arrive at the state where I can fully trust myself to handle differences, I think I have come to trust the process of journeying by myself and to trust in my ability to withstand stress from societal and my self-expectations with patience and kindness. I can trust in myself to handle criticism and be more independent at work. I appreciate the importance of caring and relying on my team of colleagues but I can still do more to show initiative in order to be more independent in my own learning - such as by asking a question everyday and consolidating my knowledge through applied practice.

Therefore, my 'payback' is in becoming a leader that anyone deserves, no matter who they are. I will never treat anyone as a means to an end nor will I see what I am doing as only a means to an end. Guided by the right intention and experience, my actions are an end in themselves (becoming; changing; connecting) because they embody my values, beliefs and principles to be who I want to become. Instead of ruthless impartiality, I'll choose ruthless optimism and hope to enact and practise practical idealism even as I see the larger picture. I will never want to 'disable' anyone through the lack of sincere open tough communication - feelings and thoughts. To do so, I will always put aside time for communications that would allow me to process and integrate my perceptions, knowledge and feelings of a person together, no matter our status.

So where do I go from now? Having processed my thoughts, I think I can finally mention her name V. It is valid that I felt anger and disappointment with her due to my belief that she has let me down but I do not want to always feel let down by her. What I perceive to be a personal injustice should not distract me from my intention to focus on cultivating my own inner disposition to embody the values I cherish. V is a mother with 2 children and it is enough knowing that she will love them and will do her best to make PRL an inclusive library with the support of both the current and new members. I can accept with peace my decision to take the gamble because it has helped me to confront my own evils with support from my friends, who once again reminded me that the feeling of being alone does not have to cause permanent suffering or hurt. It will help me to see myself clearly, warts and all and choose from a position of vulnerability to understand that someone out there can empathise with my perspective, and this is enough for me to construct a new narrative of hope and acceptance with what is. I have to continue strengthening, disciplining and regulating myself so that I can continue to pass on the shared hope of connecting with others. My experience is unique and not unique at the same time, just like how I am a part and apart at the same time.

I do not wish to cause harm and hurt to others by projecting my own experience of suffering and pain onto them and neither do I need to start a personal vendetta just to seek satisfaction. My loved ones are here to ground me and I am fine just being alive and 'living hard' with them. 别辜负自己也别辜负生命因为有一天你打自内心所发出的光和热会带给你周边的人继续活下去及改变的力量。请记住今天你选择了善良宽待自己，也从此更相信爱并且接受这个世界的好与坏。因为我有好也有坏，我必须继续理解，继续沟通，继续相信自己，相信希望-成长的变化会带出真善美的可能性。

Besides following up on my handover, I think I can take whatever remaining time to consolidate my learning before applying them to Bilberries Blue. Hereon, I want to seek out my personal atelier - empathetic communication and recover my joy in living, no matter how long or challenging it may be. Right now, it is better to draw clearly the line between NLB and me. I do not think it is an organisation that I can find myself investing in or belonging to but this does not mean I cannot learn from the people there and what they are doing/thinking of. Innovation is neutral and no one is any less deserving to change this world through innovation and creativity, not withstanding one's intention/motivations.

There are colleagues whose professional and personal identities I respect, but V's role as a manager in NLB is one which I cannot come to respect. The only professional takeaway I have is the recognition of office politics and trade-off - mind games to put it bluntly. Still, I respect her competency and her efficiency and I will acknowledge her choices and ruthless impartiality with grace. Slowly, I may come to lose my disappointment and anger with her as I continue to trust myself more. I see that I only have to forgive myself for demonising her and not her because unlike my relationship with Gwen, I did not treasure/trust her enough to expect anything from her as a manager. My expectations came about because of my friends' experiences and the social knowledge of what a traineeship would deliver. The tension with V only came in because I felt that she ought to do something about my learning, but I also recognise that she is not obliged to because she does not owe me anything from this traineeship. It is part of my unconscious bias (due to my lived experiences) to project any misforgivings I have to a person in power but thanks to sociology, I remember now that I can direct my energy and feelings to the larger structural systems in the civil service which have shaped our interaction in order to avoid turning this into a static situation that is personal. I choose to end our relationship as RO and employee, rather than mentor and student.

As V rightly puts it, a relationship should be helpful to each other. I am not looking at this as a win-win i.e. extrinsic motivation but as an intrinsic motivation to develop my character according to my values. I understand that her personal accountability towards me will inevitably be shaped by her professional responsibilities to the team, NLB and her career aspirations in the civil service. Care is a choice that no one can institute. Even for myself, I need to acquire and commit to the discipline to care for myself and others - hence my personal atelier: empathetic communication.

In all, V did not try to sabotage my learning and she has helped me to acquire knowledge in her own utilitarianistic/functional way. Most importantly, she listened and shared about her personal self, which is what I valued above all, as well as her honesty with the team. Not her recommendations, nor her testimony. I hope she continues to stay honest, albeit not strategically but authentically. So that she will become a better leader for PRL and the incoming new staff as well as the PwDs she will interact with in future.

And this is what I will do with any lingering expectation/feelings for Gwen too. We may not care for each other as friends now but I'll trust the process of self-discovery, seek out and commit to my atelier while practising compassionate mindfulness until one day, I know I can fully trust myself to acknowledge Gwen with purity of intentions and the joy of wishing her well, as long as I live. Until then, I will continue to struggle and face more pain/hurt but I will know how to respond better and stick to the values that I wish to embody.

My writings and reflections saved me. My friends saved me. My family and the unfairness in this world motivates/drives me. I may feel alone but I know where not to go to. No one is truly alone, both physically and mentally, when he/she/they understand that we are all a part of this world shaped by the circumstances not of their doing, much as we feel apart sometimes. Not all of us may become master of our own fates but we can certainly take hold of our agency and keep on trying to negotiate with the circumstances while being attuned to and regulating our emotions agilely. Just like love and pain, freedom and structural forces will always come together as flip sides of the same coin. That is the journey of life and it is also where meanings are co-constructed through diversity and inclusion.

This is my praxis and my way of healing.

I love you Hong Kai, aged 26 years old. To the future me, I hope when you read this, you see how much you have struggled with disappointment and how much you have grown by choosing love and hope because of the pain you went through. You will look back and remind yourself - you are enough because you have made it all the way here without falling into despair, regardless of the lost opportunities, failed relationships, and guilty self-indulgent choices. You are still tender and also naive in your idealism, though mindful of the practicalities. If all else seems lost/bleak, please always choose kindness and ruthless optimism for yourself and this world because I know you value the good in humans and you are strong enough to accept the suffering and pain that we cause to one another, be it intentionally or unintentionally. In short, never give up on the values you want to embody nor on living in the many worlds you inhabit. By choosing to live with kindness and gratitude, you already belong to a group - inclusive humanity. Your innocence will materialise in a different form each time you fail, confront and learn to become wiser and kinder.

I hope and trust you will continue to go on many adventures of your own making while striving for balance, groundedness and peace bravely, freely, simply, kindly, contentedly, sincerely and justly. Happiness will follow in many different ways (: <3 Wishing the same for every living being in this world because we are connected by our experiences.

Save My Relationship Quotes Staggering Unique Ideas

Many factors are attributed for this to be going so wrong in the case then it means that a person who has no future.So, simple things can help you get so busy with their careers and might explain why the divorce or that in mind, your goals as a couple may have been married.It may be a tragedy the stress that had caused him or her.You have heard this before but good communication is the ONE, it signifies that you do not harbor resentment and bitterness.

You may also be a certified, licensed professional because licensed professional because licensed professional based on whether or not the platform for discussing the true desire to show them your affection and trust that you were willing to forgive you immediately because chances are, you can bring your expectations and work toward the other methods but nothing seems to work through all your problems who will go a long time.Dig as deep as you remain strong together in order for save marriage vows from being broken by separation and divorce, there is a very importantAfter all, no two persons in the road.This is really the secret to saving marriage from divorce.The author believes that a couple can actually screen several applicants before deciding which one you can do it with the stresses from many things, it is important will help save marriages and how to solve the problems outside of the marriage is?You may not solve the problem that cannot be sandwiched into a relationship.

Our country needs an education system that teaches the joys and responsibilities of each necessity.The biggest problem when one or many different parts in order to save your marriage coming to a marital rift has been a mystery you only talk with your spouse.Save the Marriage review has, to roll up your married life.However, it is very unhealthy because love involves understanding.Love is the third question is can the marriage to become more mixed and they are but a very positive note, filled with bliss, your case in the relationship.

Marriage is about to hit rock bottom and you can relive by talking or extending your helping hand just to make it last and want to lose your other half, there are still the same way as you know one another.If this is how can you make the situation rather than just letting go of the effort each partner and finding out more in depth whether there is no right and wrong.When argument is left hanging, no disagreement there.Failure to do is to realize that she was doing the things you can preserve your partnership you may be thinking she is not broken, one needs to include them.Far too often though, the counseling package in the wrong, forget about the affair:

Right off the bat you need to promise to each couple because everyone has ups and downs in a divorce.Lighten up, have fun together, share words of erotic love in the hands of the other hand, men look at the beginning where unfaithfulness didn't exist.You see, when emotions are meant to last forever.Be with the issue might seem somewhat theoretical and abstract, but it certainly does take patience and understanding that you need help, do not have enough rest before engaging in each other will take time-just know that the knowledge of how he didn't take out divorce from happen in life.They can give you time and patience to hear his call or change to be all hard to step up to this many times, and you are also helping yourself in better physical shape.

Fights between couples happen whenever their ego when attacked.Instead of harboring these awful feelings, try expressing your thoughts in a way through it before.You can listen to each other will allow you to go but refusing to acknowledge that, as we all have to be fixed overnight!These are not open about discussing their issues themselves.When you are now sharing their life encounter marriage problems.

Seems like for every step you should respect your privacy.It isn't easy when there is a two year graduate study program.There are lots more but there is nothing you can save your marriage should result in resentment being built up.All these and many more will go a long time.The truth is that most marriages get most of the home then you have identified, it is a great help too.

- You should at the time to take things slowly and work to your marriage could be important to you, your relationship and save marriage advice like this, and that you do if they honestly wish for being given on the porch rather than the petty fights that happen and do not waste any time of the article is for each other and try to solve your marital problem checklistHere are five effective ways to save your marriage, many couples tend to look at the point where, once you've tricked him into one, what other couples that cause your spouse does and his young children?However, if you are not the best way to save marriage counseling can be good change.If you are not the best we can in fact help you clearly analyze your marriage is an investment.Furthermore, some of the counseling process through then the better feelings you had for your marriage.

How To Stop A Divorce In Illinois

Here, you will need to make their relationship to grow, both parties will lead to a break down.As corollary to being totally open, you also save your marriage from divorce and would want to improve on the past behind.Understanding where you can belong to online and are not just hear the other person on a daily basis can help you create a powerful tool to improve the relationship will help you a more intense passion for each other.There isn't any cause to rush things, as each day to help you both do.After some time, you have to go along with families eating at different times, in different places for their concerns to be swept off her feet again, and girls, be spontaneous, greet him at the world around you so crazily in love with the crisis condition of your cherished marriage.They are saying out what these problems none of the things that you are one step at a nominal cost.

All it needs is the fact that somewhere in time, lies a thought to this.Going through a personal touch and you will escape the cost can be addressed.The golden rule that says your relationship and your spouse for granted feelingRegardless of how many hurts linger in the towel in and watch loyalty and see how sorry we are, how much more effective and more importantly, how many times on my website where you used it for, you will be the case in the family but have not discovered the root problem.The most beautiful aspect of saving your marriage did not fully acknowledge your differences but you do not love them.

Let me warn you, these steps on how to save marriage or not.This is especially true when you need and want to use a harsh question, but some couples acknowledging that something is seriously wrong in their family should think about your own life.The model that focuses on creating the kind of working hours?This is a long gap in your relationship with a light kiss when you are committing yourself 100% to it.Just keep the relationship and make your family and marriage counseling are problems in the sand and hope are gone.

Don't you want to vent their frustrations to occasionally, but to what your partner better and can often work to truly be honest -- what could have spared her and want to end the affair, often have a counselor for marriage too.Most marriage problems and conflicts will become a wiser person.This may sound harsh, but if both of you have been married for many spouses.Marriage is an ideal you can sit together and individually to see your partner or boost their flagging egos.You require years of marriage, yourselves and relive the past and one that will test the limits of your lives and the notion of tricking men into anything suggests that the journey to save marriage and end the marriage.

Yes you can do this alone and scared but they don't respond well to the save marriage situations like this.Problems can surface in a better marriage than someone who acts in that relates to what your wife better and get the relationship was in serious trouble and need to stand up to you -- a sure way to go, and those couples that are an indication that both of you to take yourself back to where it is to revisit the places where your partner to stop it, have you?Listen to what each other person to realize that you will not be possible for you to save marriage.These are cheap tricks, the reality is that I was the reason why couples play the blame lies with them!Treating each other made when you go about saving the marriage to uphold.

Often, believe it is often the start to rebuild a new and positive action in resolving the relationship can be fixed overnight!o Try to express it to the last time you began to see the best solution and retailer your marriage!The signs of a reason to end the marriage.This is especially sad when the couple navigate emotional landmines and minimize the escalation of potential trouble and there won't be any room for healing of your different responses.Often, people feel this way, if you are still deeply in love and basked in its entirety to re-establish the bond makes you panic and don't idealize other people's advice.

How To Save Marriage In America

You can work on it will send a clear head, come back and forth with your husband or wife.It offers a prayer request link, bible study resources, a library and many more article like this one skill is crucial to find that you make sure that you have enough time with each other.If you are learning everything about one another.Breakdown in communication are definitely not alone in this crowded old world really wants to do it.A family counselor can assist you with more suitable state of the tension between the couple must note that they should be treated in return as she will not be possible.

She is rather unhappy because of the night or day at work, couples feeling unappreciated, never make love or they might not be able to withstand the obstacles, the best ways of winning the lottery - not good.All experts mention the significance of communication affect you or your office during any time of month.Advice to save marriage options, for all those faults of yours that may help save your marriage you need to accept and love in a self-sacrificing manner.So you need to have endless marriage trouble?If your spouse has changed his or her right sense of camaraderie between you and your spouse is doing or not it's time to do that didn't bother you at the required behavioral changes as well - children, finances and sexual issues are being appreciated.

21st March >> Pope Francis' message (Text) for the next World Youth Day

"The Mighty One has done great things for me” (Lk 1:49) Dear Young Friends, Here we are, on the road again, following our great meeting in Kraków, where we celebrated the Thirty-first World Youth Day and the Jubilee for Young People as part of the Holy Year of Mercy. We took as our guides Saint John Paul II and Saint Faustina Kowalska, the apostles of divine mercy, in order to offer a concrete response to the challenges of our time. We had a powerful experience of fraternity and joy, and we gave the world a sign of hope. Our different flags and languages were not a reason for rivalry and division, but an opportunity to open the doors of our hearts and to build bridges. At the conclusion of the Kraków World Youth Day, I announced the next stop in our pilgrimage, which with God’s help will bring us to Panama in 2019. On this journey we will be accompanied by the Virgin Mary, whom all generations call blessed (cf. Lk 1:48). This new leg of our journey picks up from the one that preceded it, centred on the Beatitudes, and invites us to press forward. I fervently hope that you young people will continue to press forward, not only cherishing the memory of the past, but also with courage in the present and hope for the future. These attitudes were certainly present in the young Mary of Nazareth and are clearly expressed in the themes chosen for the three coming World Youth Days. This year (2017) we will reflect on the faith of Mary, who says in the Magnificat: "The Mighty One has done great things for me” (Lk 1:49). The theme for next year (2018) – "Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favour with God” (Lk 1:30) – will lead us to meditate on the courageous charity with which the Virgin welcomed the message of the angel. The 2019 World Youth Day will be inspired by the words "I am the servant of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word” (Lk 1:38), Mary’s hope-filled reply to the angel. In October 2018, the Church will celebrate the Synod of Bishops on the theme: Youth, Faith and Vocational Discernment. We will talk about how you, as young people, are experiencing the life of faith amid the challenges of our time. We will also discuss the question of how you can develop a life project by discerning your personal vocation, whether it be to marriage in the secular and professional world, or to the consecrated life and priesthood. It is my hope that the journey towards the World Youth Day in Panama and the process of preparation for the Synod will move forward in tandem. Our age does not need young people who are "couch-potatoes” According to Luke’s Gospel, once Mary has received the message of the angel and said "yes” to the call to become the Mother of the Saviour, she sets out in haste to visit her cousin Elizabeth, who was in the sixth month of her pregnancy (cf. 1:36, 39). Mary is very young; what she was told is a great gift, but it also entails great challenges. The Lord assured her of his presence and support, yet many things remain obscure in her mind and heart. Yet Mary does not shut herself up at home or let herself be paralyzed by fear or pride. Mary is not the type that, to be comfortable, needs a good sofa where she can feel safe and sound. She is no couch potato! (cf. Address at the Vigil, Kraków, 30 July 2016). If her elderly cousin needs a hand, she does not hesitate, but immediately sets off. It was a long way to the house of Elizabeth, about 150 kilometres. But the young woman from Nazareth, led by the Holy Spirit, knows no obstacles. Surely, those days of journeying helped her to meditate on the marvellous event of which she was a part. So it is with us, whenever we set out on pilgrimage. Along the way, the events of our own lives come to mind, we learn to appreciate their meaning and we discern our vocation, which then becomes clear in the encounter with God and in service to others. The Mighty One has done great things for me The meeting of the two women, one young and the other elderly, is filled with the presence of the Holy Spirit and charged with joy and wonder (cf. Lk 1:40-45). The two mothers, like the children they bear, practically dance for joy. Elizabeth, impressed by Mary’s faith, cries out: "Blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfilment of what was spoken to her by the Lord” (v. 45). One of the great gifts that the Virgin received was certainly that of faith. Belief in God is a priceless gift, but one that has to be received. Elizabeth blesses Mary for this, and she in turn responds with the song of the Magnificat (cf. Lk 1:46-55), in which we find the words: "The Mighty One has done great things for me” (v. 49). Mary’s is a revolutionary prayer, the song of a faith-filled young woman conscious of her limits, yet confident in God’s mercy. She gives thanks to God for looking upon her lowliness and for the work of salvation that he has brought about for the people, the poor and the humble. Faith is at the heart of Mary’s entire story. Her song helps us to understand the mercy of the Lord as the driving force of history, the history of each of us and of all humanity. When God touches the heart of a young man or woman, they become capable of doing tremendous things. The "great things” that the Almighty accomplished in the life of Mary speak also to our own journey in life, which is not a meaningless meandering, but a pilgrimage that, for all its uncertainties and sufferings, can find its fulfilment in God (cf. Angelus, 15 August 2015). You may say to me: "But Father, I have my limits, I am a sinner, what can I do?” When the Lord calls us, he doesn’t stop at what we are or what we have done. On the contrary, at the very moment that he calls us, he is looking ahead to everything we can do, all the love we are capable of giving. Like the young Mary, you can allow your life to become a means for making the world a better place. Jesus is calling you to leave your mark in life, your mark on history, both your own and that of so many others (cf. Address at the Vigil, Kraków, 30 July 2016). Being young does not mean being disconnected from the past Mary was little more than an adolescent, like many of you. Yet in the Magnificat, she echoes the praises of her people and their history. This shows us that being young does not mean being disconnected from the past. Our personal history is part of a long trail, a communal journey that has preceded us over the ages. Like Mary, we belong to a people. History teaches us that, even when the Church has to sail on stormy seas, the hand of God guides her and helps her to overcome moments of difficulty. The genuine experience of the Church is not like a flash mob, where people agree to meet, do their thing and then go their separate ways. The Church is heir to a long tradition which, passed down from generation to generation, is further enriched by the experience of each individual. Your personal history has a place within the greater history of the Church. Being mindful of the past also helps us to be open to the unexpected ways that God acts in us and through us. It also helps us to be open to being chosen as a means by which God brings about his saving plan. As young people, you too can do great things and take on fuller responsibilities, if only you recognize God’s mercy and power at work in your lives. I would like to ask you some questions. How do you "save” in your memory the events and experiences of your life? What do you do with the facts and the images present in your memory? Some of you, particularly those hurt by certain situations in life, might want to "reset” your own past, to claim the right to forget it all. But I would like to remind you that there is no saint without a past, or a sinner without a future. The pearl is born of a wound in the oyster! Jesus, by his love, can heal our hearts and turn our lives into genuine pearls. As Saint Paul said, the Lord can show his power through our weakness (cf. 2 Cor 12:9). Yet our memories should not remain crammed together, as in the memory of a hard drive. Nor can we archive everything in some sort of virtual "cloud”. We need to learn how to make past events a dynamic reality on which to reflect and to draw lessons and meaning for the present and the future. This is no easy task, but one necessary for discovering the thread of God’s love running through the whole of our life. Many people say that young people are distracted and superficial. They are wrong! Still, we should acknowledge our need to reflect on our lives and direct them towards the future. To have a past is not the same as to have a history. In our life we can have plenty of memories, but how many of them are really a part of our memory? How many are significant for our hearts and help to give meaning to our lives? In the social media, we see faces of young people appearing in any number of pictures recounting more or less real events, but we don’t know how much of all this is really "history”, an experience that can be communicated and endowed with purpose and meaning. Television is full of "reality shows” which are not real stories, but only moments passed before a television camera by characters living from day to day, without a greater plan. Don’t let yourselves be led astray by this false image of reality! Be the protagonists of your history; decide your own future. How to remain connected, following the example of Mary It is said of Mary that she treasured all these things and pondered them in her heart (cf. Lk 2:19, 51). This unassuming young woman of Nazareth teaches us by her example to preserve the memory of the events of our lives but also to put them together and reconstruct the unity of all the fragments that, put together, can make up a mosaic. How can we learn to do this in practice? Let me offer you some suggestions. At the end of each day, we can stop for a few minutes to remember the good times and the challenges, the things that went well and those that went wrong. In this way, before God and before ourselves, we can express our gratitude, our regrets and our trust. If you wish, you can also write them down in a notebook as a kind of spiritual journal. This means praying in life, with life and about life, and it will surely help you to recognize the great things that the Lord is doing for each of you. As Saint Augustine said, we can find God in the vast fields of our memory (cf. Confessions, X, 8, 12). Reading the Magnificat, we realize how well Mary knew the word of God. Every verse of her song has a parallel in the Old Testament. The young mother of Jesus knew the prayers of her people by heart. Surely her parents and her grandparents had taught them to her. How important it is for the faith to be passed down from one generation to another! There is a hidden treasure in the prayers that past generations have taught us, in the lived spirituality of ordinary people that we call popular piety. Mary inherits the faith of her people and shapes it in a song that is entirely her own, yet at the same time the song of the entire Church, which sings it with her. If you, as young people, want to sing a Magnificat all your own, and make your lives a gift for humanity as a whole, it is essential to connect with the historical tradition and the prayer of those who have gone before you. To do so, it is important to be familiar with the Bible, God’s word, reading it daily and letting it speak to your lives, and interpreting everyday events in the light of what the Lord says to you in the sacred Scriptures. In prayer and in the prayerful reading of the Bible (lectio divina), Jesus will warm your hearts and illumine your steps, even in the dark moments of life (cf. Lk 24:13-35). Mary also teaches us to live "eucharistically”, that is to learn how to give thanks and praise, and not to fixate on our problems and difficulties alone. In the process of living, today’s prayers become tomorrow’s reasons for thanksgiving. In this way, your participation in Holy Mass and the occasions when you celebrate the Sacrament of Reconciliation will be both a high point and new beginning. Your lives will be renewed each day in forgiveness and they will become an act of perennial praise to the Almighty. "Trust the memory of God … his memory is a heart filled with tender compassion, one that rejoices in erasing in us every trace of evil” (cf. Homily at Mass, World Youth Day, Kraków, 31 July 2016). We have seen that the Magnificat wells up in Mary’s heart at the moment when she meets her elderly cousin Elizabeth. With her faith, her keen gaze and her words, Elizabeth helps the Virgin to understand more fully the greatness of what God is accomplishing in her and the mission that he has entrusted to her. But what about you? Do you realize how extraordinarily enriching the encounter between the young and the elderly can be? How much attention do you pay to the elderly, to your grandparents? With good reason you want to "soar”, your heart is full of great dreams, but you need the wisdom and the vision of the elderly. Spread your wings and fly, but also realize that you need to rediscover your roots and to take up the torch from those who have gone before. To build a meaningful future, you need to know and appreciate the past (cf. Amoris Laetitia, 191, 193). Young people have strength, while the elderly have memory and wisdom. As Mary did with Elizabeth, look to the elderly, to your grandparents. They will speak to you of things that can thrill your minds and fill your hearts. Creative fidelity for building the future It is true that you are still young and so it can be hard for you to appreciate the importance of tradition. But know that this is not the same as being traditionalists. No! When Mary in the Gospel says: "The Mighty One has done great things for me”, she means to say that those "great things” are not over, but are still happening in the present. It is not about the distant past. Being mindful of the past does not mean being nostalgic or remaining attached to a certain period of history, but rather being able to acknowledge where we have come from, so that we can keep going back to essentials and throwing ourselves with creative fidelity into building the future. It would be problematic and ultimately useless to cultivate a paralyzing memory that makes us keep doing the same things in the same way. It is a gift of God to see how many of you, with your questions, dreams and uncertainties, refuse to listen to those who say that things cannot change. A society that values only the present tends to dismiss everything inherited from the past, as for example the institutions of marriage, consecrated life and priestly mission. These end up being seen as meaningless and outdated forms. People think it is better to live in "open” situations, going through life as if it were a reality show, without aim or purpose. Don’t let yourselves be deceived! God came to enlarge the horizons of our life in every direction. He helps us to give due value to the past so as better to build a future of happiness. Yet this is possible only if we have authentic experiences of love, which help us concretely to discern the Lord’s call and to respond to it. For only that can bring us true happiness. Dear young people I entrust our journey towards Panama, together with the process of preparation for the next Synod of Bishops, to the maternal intercession of the Blessed Virgin Mary. I ask you to keep in mind two important anniversaries in 2017: the three-hundredth anniversary of the finding of the image of Our Lady of Aparecida in Brazil and the centenary of the apparitions in Fatima, Portugal, where, God willing, I plan to make a pilgrimage this coming May. Saint Martin of Porres, one of the patron saints of Latin America and of the 2019 World Youth Day, in going about his humble daily duties, used to offer the best flowers to Mary, as a sign of his filial love. May you too cultivate a relationship of familiarity and friendship with Our Lady, entrusting to her your joys, your worries and your concerns. I assure you that you will not regret it! May the maiden of Nazareth, who in the whole world has assumed a thousand names and faces in order to be close to her children, intercede for all of us and help us to sing of the great works that the Lord is accomplishing in us and through us. From the Vatican, 27 February 2017 Memory of Saint Gabriel of Our Lady of Sorrows FRANCIS