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lushscreamqueen · 3 years

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The Buffy Horror Picture Show

Movie Script Parodied by: Alex Jacobs ([email protected]) December 25, 2001 Note: This takes place at the end of Season 4. Cast: Dr. Ang-l-us (a vampire) David Borenaz Riley Finn (a heroine) Buffy Summers (a hero) Sarah Michelle Gellar Xander Harris (a handyman) Nicholas Brendon Willow Rosenberg (a domestic) Allyson Hannigan Cordelia (a groupie) Charisma Carpentar ) Mr. Giles (a rival) Anthony Stewart Head Spike (a creation) James Marsterson Jenny Calendar (ex-computer teacher) The Werewolf (Narrator) (an expert) Seth Green The Vampire Prostitutes Perry Bedden Fran Fullenwider Christopher Biggins Lindsay Ingram Gayle Brown Penny Ledger Ishaq Bux Annabelle Leventon Stephen Calcutt Anthony Milner Hugh Cecil Pamela Obermeyer Imogen Claire Tony Then Rufus Collins Kimi Wong Sadie Corre Henry Woolf Tuesday Evening/UPN NERF HERDER (FANGS) Joyce Summers felt down When the school burned to the ground So she moved to Sunnydale. And the Master was there In his underground lair, Waiting for the Slayer to fail. Then something went down In that old coastal town; Buffy died and opened the mouth of Hell. Then she came back to life And the Master?? Just died. And the special effects looked real swell: CHORUS Tuesday Evening, UPN Angelus will lose his soul again. See vampires fighting Buff and Riley Cordelia Chase will Show her hiney. Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh On the eight PM, Tuesday evening, TV show. NERF HERDER (FANGS) I know that Rupert Giles Was pissed off by miles When Angelus killed his girlfriend. And I really lost favor When I saw the Slayer Fight Angelus and to Hell he was sent. Chanting magical tunes And gypsy runes Willow saved Angel's soul just too late. But when Angel came back, And the Mayor attacked, I knew the school couldn't escape its fate. Not on? CHORUS Tuesday evening, UPN Angelus will lose his soul again. See vampires fighting Buff and Riley Cordelia chase will Show her hiney. Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh On the eight PM, Tuesday evening, TV show. I wanna go Watch the eight PM, UPN, TV show. By Mutant Inc, Hee hee hee. Go watch the eight PM, UPN TV show. Hope it won't blow, Oh Oh Oh Not the eight PM, UPN, TV show. HIGHSCHOOL STUDENT Here they come! (Highschool Students cheer and drink) DEMON WITH A CAMERA Let's get a picture. Close together now. The natives and the transfer students. Just of the those that survived graduation. Ahhh, hold that. Beautiful. And? (A giant snake comes out of the ground and eats all the students) DEMON Congratulations. (Buffy and Tara walk past the snake) TARA I guess we finally did it, huh. BUFFY I don't think there's any doubt about that. You and my Mom have been almost inseparable since you broke up with Willow after catching her with that strange hickey. TARA Well to tell you the truth, Buffy, your mom's the only reason I dated Willow in the first place. (chuckles) You know, to meet hot older chicks. BUFFY That explains a lot? too much. We must never speak of this again. JOYCE O.K. you guys, this is it. (everyone screams) TARA Well Joyce is going to throw the bouquet. RILEY I got it! I got it! TARA Hey, looks like it could be your turn next, eh? BUFFY Like I'd ever have a relationship stable enough for marriage. TARA True, but you don't like girls so I don't care either way. Guess we better get going now Joyce. Come on, hop in. (Buffy gives the car the finger. They drive away) (sign saying "Sunnydale High School: One Year Reunion") RILEY Oh Buffy, wasn't it wonderful? Wasn't your mom radiantly beautiful? I can't believe it. An week ago she was just plain old celibate Joyce, and now? now she's Mrs. Muff-diver extraordinaire. BUFFY Yes Riley, Tara's a creepy girl. And thanks for

wigging me out like that. RILEY Your welcome. HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT I always cry at death scenes. BUFFY Everyone knows my mom is a tight little fuck. Why does everyone know that? RILEY (shrugs) BUFFY Why Tara herself'll probably be teaching her about rim jobs in a minute or two. RILEY Yes. Crimey Riley BUFFY Hey Riley. RILEY Yes Buffy? BUFFY I've got something to say RILEY Uh huh. BUFFY I really love the? Coincidental way? The Initiative disappeared? When things went astray. RILEY Oh Buffy. BUFFY The journey was tough but now finally (CHORUS: Riley) The future is looking quite smiley. (Riley) So please don't take it unkindly. (Riley) I've one thing to say and that's Crimey, Riley the Initiative blows. The leaders were lame but they died-y (Riley) There were monsters in tunnels that cried-y (Riley) I know that you're really tired-y. (Riley) I've one thing to say and that's Crimey, Riley the Initative Blows. Here's some things that prove that I'm for real. There's three things that they could have done: That's run, fight, or imprison. Oh R-I-L-E-Y They failed their mi-i-sion. RILEY Oh, it's not my fault that we were crap stuff. (Oh Buff) Or that our plans were just lame fluff (Oh Buff) And I don't blame you for leaving in that huff. (Oh Buff) I've one thing to say and that's Buff, you're tough, but we sucked chode. Oh Buffy? BUFFY Oh... crimey. RILEY You're tough... BUFFY Oh... Riley. RILEY ? We sucked so much. BUFFY I lost my lu-u-unch. BUFFY & RILEY You/We were standing on a crutch- ah - utch. BUFFY So let's go see the man who so finely (Riley) Taught me how to kick your hiney. (Riley) When I compare you to him I just smiley (Riley) Now I've one thing to say and that's crimey, Riley, the Initiative blows. Crimey, Riley. RILEY Oh Buff, you're tough. BUFFY Crimey, Riley. BUFFY & RILEY They sure blew. OZ I would like, ah, if I may, ?to take you on a strange journey (goes for black book opens book) It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Buffy Summers and her bitch, Riley Finn, two young, stupid, healthy kids, left Sunnydale that late June evening, to visit a certain Mr. Giles, ex-Watcher, now friend to both of them. It's true there were dark storm clouds. Heavy, black, and pendulous, toward which they were driving. It's true, also, that the spare crossbow they were carrying was badly in need of repair, but, uh, they being stupid kids, on a night out? well, they weren't going to let a storm spoil the rest of their evening, were they? On a night out? It was a night out they were going to remember? for a very long time. JOYCE (ON RADIO) I have never been a quitter... To leave the show before my contract is completed is abhorrent to every instinct in my body. But as an actress I must put the interests of my career first. My income requires a full time acting job? and an in depth part? RILEY Gosh, that's the third vampire prostitute that's passed us. They sure do look skanky, what with the tube tops and all. BUFFY Yes, but they're pretty cheap to the right type. RILEY I'm that type. BUFFY What did you say? RILEY Oh, nothing? Say, What's the matter, Buffy darling? BUFFY Oooh. We must have taken a wrong turn a few miles back. RILEY Oh, but where did those vampire prostitutes come from? BUFFY Hmmm? well I guess we'll just have to turn back. RILEY Oh! What was that bang? BUFFY My driving. CRIMEY! I knew I should have gotten that spare crossbow fixed, it would make the next few hours a lot simpler. Well, you just stay here and keep warm and I'll go for help. RILEY But where will you go in the middle of nowhere? BUFFY ?Didn't we pass the new high school back down the road a few miles? Maybe they have a telephone we could use. RILEY I'm going with you. BUFFY Oh, no, darling, there's no sense in bringing you along when you'll just get in my way. RILEY I'm coming with you! Besides darling, the owner of that phone might be a handsome vampire and you might never come back. BUFFY Eh. Probably. Over to the Sunnydale Hellmouth RILEY In the velvet darkness, Of California

night, They rise despite, All the vamps you slay. Even if you kill them all day. BUFFY & RILEY They will come? CHORUS Over to the Sunnydale Hellmouth. BUFFY & RILEY They will come? CHORUS Making people scream and shout. BUFFY & RILEY They will come, come in the darkness of California night. XANDER The vampires must go down the river of night's killing. They make me sick, but then pretty girls come spilling Into my life? Into my life? BUFFY & RILEY They will come? CHORUS Over to the Sunnydale Hellmouth. BUFFY & RILEY They will come? CHORUS Making people scream and shout. They will come, will come. BUFFY & RILEY ? in the darkness of California night. OZ And so, it seemed that fortune had smiled on Buffy and Riley and that they had found the assistance that their plight required. Or had they? RILEY Buffy, let's go back, I'm cold and frightened? BUFFY Just a moment Riley, they might have a phone. XANDER Yo! BUFFY Hey! What are you doing here Xander? XANDER Eh. Got turned by some über-vamp. You? BUFFY I-I was wondering if you could help us. You see our car broke down a few miles up the road? do you have a phone we could use? XANDER (stares at Buffy's t-shirt which has gotten so wet it's transparent) You're wet. RILEY Yes - ? - it's raining. BUFFY Yes. XANDER Yes? I think that perhaps you'd better come. Come inside. That's what I said, come inside. RILEY About time. Oh Buffy, I'm frightened. I thought the school blew up and wasn't supposed to be rebuilt for another three years? BUFFY Oh, it's probably some kind of temporary high school to educate the young until a new plot-hook can be built. RILEY Oh. (forlornly) XANDER This way. RILEY Are you helping students cram for finals? XANDER You've arrived on a very special night. It's one of the master's affairs. BUFFY Master? XANDER Uh? -bater? RILEY (Buffy and Riley share a look) Oh. Now I'm wiggin'. WILLOW You're wigging, He's wigging, I'm wigging, we're all wigging! ha ha ha ha ha (school bell rings seven times) Fuck Over Xander XANDER It's astounding; Vamps are fleeing; The Slayer takes effect. But listen closely... WILLOW Not for very much longer. XANDER Things aren't over yet. I remember hating the vampires. Wishing They'd get a nice tan. But then hypnosis hit me XANDER & WILLOW And I heard a voice calling... (Willow and Xander put on vampire game faces) VAMPIRE PROSTITUTES Let's fuck over Xander again. Let's fuck over Xander again. OZ (pulls down chart. There are dozens of pictures of Xander slumped to the floor, unconscious) It's just a knock to the head. ALL Or a pretty girl in plain sight. OZ With gigantic tits. ALL And an embrace so tight. But it's the pelvic thrust That really drives him insane. Let's fuck over Xander again. Let's fuck over Xander again. WILLOW I was so easy, but he never bothered to please me. So you could see me, getting really pissed. But I found a vampire, A Scooby insider, Who agreed, To give us the kiss. XANDER After Angelus's neck bite WILLOW Everything was made right. XANDER Now nothing can ever be the same. WILLOW I'm spaced out on orgasms. XANDER They're giving her spasms. ALL Let's fuck over Xander again. Let's fuck over Xander again. CORDELIA (in vampire game face) Well I was living in LA, but not eating every day When this beautiful face put me in my place. He took me to a party, I figured what the heck He had a Ferrari, but then he bit my neck. He sucked my blood and I felt a change. Food meant nothing, never would again. ALL Let's fuck over Xander again. Let's fuck over Xander again. OZ It's just a knock to the head. ALL Or a pretty girl in plain sight. OZ With gigantic tits. ALL And an embrace so tight. But it's the pelvic thrust That really drives him insane. Let's fuck over Xander again. Let's fuck over Xander again. (Cordelia pole dances) (Cordelia falls) ALL Let's fuck over Xander again. Let's fuck over Xander again. OZ It's just a knock to the head. ALL Or a pretty girl in plain sight. OZ With gigantic tits. ALL And an embrace so tight. But it's the pelvic

thrust That really drives him insane. Let's fuck over Xander again. Let's fuck over Xander again. RILEY Buffy, say something. (whispered) BUFFY So, you guys are vampires now? (vampire prostitutes get up and start walking towards Buffy and Riley, licking there lips) RILEY Buffy, please, let's get out of here. BUFFY For God's sake, Riley, keep a grip on yourself. RILEY But it? it seems so unhealthy here. BUFFY It's just the undead, Riley. RILEY Well -- I want to go. BUFFY Well we can't go anywhere until I get to a phone. RILEY Well then just slay them already. BUFFY Just a moment, Riley -- we don't want to do anything that might upset them. RILEY This isn't the Initiative headquarters, Buffy. BUFFY They're probably just getting used to their new vitality-challenged lifestyle. They may do some more folk dancing. RILEY Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared BUFFY I'm here -- there's nothing to worry about. (Riley screams and faints) Pretty Vampire Angel So glad you're here, I See you've met my Latest acquisition. He's just a tad depressed Because when you knocked He thought you were the Red Cross deposition. Don't get turned off by the way I dress. Afterwards I can still wear black shades. I'm not man about town by the light of day But by night can make your womb ache. (drops cloak to reveal leather pants and no shirt) I'm a just a pretty vampire. From Los Angeles, California. Let me show you my chest Or maybe the rest. You look like you're both pretty turned on. Or if you want something tactual, That's not entirely factual, We could put on an old Martin Gaye song. BUFFY I'm glad you're in this strange place, Didn't you leave for LA? We're actually somewhat rushed, now. RILEY Right. BUFFY We'll just say give Giles a ring, Then go get our things. We want to tell Oz, Willow's straight now. ANGEL So you're crossbow won't work, well, You're both jerks. I'm sorry, but things break. By the light of the dawn it'll all turn out wrong. It seems you two made a mistake. I'm just a pretty vampire From Los Angeles, California. Why don't you stay for the show? XANDER Show. ANGEL See how far things dare go. CORDELIA Go. ANGEL I could show you my favorite night wear. I've been assisting a fiend With blond hair and big thing. And it's great when he touches me (hand passes in front of crotch) right there. I'm just a pretty vampire From Los Angeles, California. THRUST IT, THRUST IT! (thrusts hips on "THRUST") I'm just a pretty vampire CORDELIA, XANDER, & WILLOW Pretty vampire ANGEL From Los Angeles, CORDELIA, XANDER, & WILLOW California. ANGEL So come down to the crypt, And I'll show you my stick. I see you shiver with erotic plea- sure. But maybe the plot Isn't completely shot. So I'll remove the chicken (Chuckles) But not the feathers. (applause) RILEY What in the world does that mean? BUFFY Who knows? (Buffy and Riley are given towels) RILEY Thank you. BUFFY Thank you very much. (Willow and Xander start to undress Buffy and Riley) RILEY Oh! Buffy! BUFFY (Buffy grows impatient with Xander, pushes him away, and strips in two seconds) It's all right Riley. We'll play along for now and pull out Mr. Pointy when the time is right. (Riley looks down in shame) CORDELIA Faster, people, faster! Some of us have lives here. Well, technically only these two, but you know what I mean. BUFFY Hi, Cordelia, remember me, the Slayer, and this is my boyfriend and former Initiative member, Riley Finn. You are really pissing me off and you're a vamp so if you'd just shut up? CORDELIA If you don't shut up you'll never get down to Angelus's crypt. Some people would suck cock for the privilege. BUFFY People like you maybe? CORDELIA Pretty much. (Xander pours wine into a glass, takes a swig from the bottle, and lets it drop after Willow says "Screw it.") XANDER Come along ? Angelus doesn't like to be kept waiting. WILLOW Screw it. (Riley screeches - the elevator goes up) RILEY Is he ? Angel, I mean ? still good? XANDER The master-bater is not good, nor do I think he ever shall be

again. We're all pretty happy about this. RILEY Oh. ANGEL Willow, Cordelia go assist Xander. I will entertain? uh huh huh... (chuckle) (camera shows Buffy) BUFFY I'm the Slayer, remember. And I don't think you've had a chance to meet your replacement, Riley "Fuck." RILEY Finn. BUFFY Shut up. ANGEL Embrassez mon âne.* (Riley giggles) Well! How dull. And what boring underclothes you both have. But here. Put these (negligees) on. They'll make you feel more sexy. It's not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer them? hospitality. BUFFY Hospitality?! All we asked was to use your telephone, goshdarnit, a reasonable request which you've chosen to ignore. RILEY Buffy, don't be ungrateful. BUFFY Ungrateful! ANGEL How forceful you are, Buffy. Such a perfect specimen of manhood. So? dominant. You must be awfully submissive, Riley. RILEY Well, yes I am. (giggles) ANGEL Do you have your virginity, Buffy? BUFFY Certainly not! You took it from me, remember? ANGEL No. How about you? (to Riley) RILEY No. (giggling) XANDER Everything is in readiness, master-bater. We merely await your (pause) creepiness. ANGEL Tonight, my undead death-conventionists? you are to witness a new breakthrough in biofatalistic research? and Sunnydale is to be mine? It was strange the way it happened? Suddenly you find your voice? Vampires start to obey your commands, not a sign of rebellion? What fools! The right vampire was there all the time but it took a small accident to make me realize? AN ACCIDENT! WILLOW & CORDELIA An accident! ANGEL And that's how I discovered the key, that elusive nosferatu, that vamp who'd be the breath of death? Yes, I have that power? I hold the key? to the Hellmouth? itself! You see? you are fortunate for tonight is the night that my beautiful creature is destined to destroy the world! Up now! (Curtain is lifted exposing a pair of large doors with a strange seal) Throw open the doors to the tomb? and shine in a flashlight so I can see what the Hell is going on! RILEY Oh Buffy! BUFFY It's all right Riley. (Xander takes a crowbar and forces one of the doors open. He shines a flashlight in revealing Spike lying in his underwear) (Spike emits some guttural garbage) ANGEL Oh! Spike! The Chip of the Initiative SPIKE The chip of the Initiative is stuck somewhere in my head, And while it's in there I can't make anyone dead. Oh, woe is me, my un-life is a misery. Oh, can't you see, that I'm starting to act like a pansy ass bugger. I woke up this evening and I cried when I remembered my fate. ALL That sure sucks ass. SPIKE And for awhile I thought there was nothing I could do to escape. ALL That sure sucks ass. SPIKE It's blood I need, I'm all bleached but still can't feed. And I know it seems like I'm starting to act like a pansy ass bugger. ALL Sha-la-la-la That sure sucks ass. SPIKE Oh ho no no ALL Sha-la-la-la That sure sucks ass. SPIKE Oh ho no no ALL Sha-la-la-la That sure sucks ass. SPIKE Oh ho no no The chip of the Initiative is stuck somewhere in my head, ALL That sure sucks ass. SPIKE And while it's in there I can't make anyone dead. ALL Sha-la-la-la That sure sucks ass. SPIKE Oh no no no ALL Sha-la-la-la That sure sucks ass. SPIKE Oh no no no ALL Sha-la-la-la That sure sucks ass. SPIKE Oh no no no (repeat until end -- Sha-la-la) ALL Sha-la-la-la That sure sucks ass. Sha-la-la-la That sure sucks ass. Sha-la-la-la That sure sucks ass. Sha-la-la-la That sure sucks ass. Sha-la-la. ANGEL Well really. That's no problem if you know what to do about it. (Angel punches through the side of Spike's head and pulls out a microchip) SPIKE Augh! You wanker! That really hurt. ANGEL But because you've got such "exceptional" strength, you should be able to handle it. SPIKE Augh Agh (applause) ANGEL Oh, I just love success. XANDER That was a credit to your strength, master-bater. ANGEL Yes. WILLOW A triumph of your fist. ANGEL Yes. CORDELIA He's in pain. ANGEL In pain? Only in pain! I think we can do better than that. Humph! Well, Buffy and Riley,

what do you think of the hole in the side of his head? RILEY Well, I don't like to see a grown man cry. ANGEL I didn't make him cry for you! If he's tough enough to break heads he can have his own broken. To Make You a Vamp ANGEL A weakling weighing just ninety-seven Will get left in the dirt When bit in the neck. (pats Spike on the head) SPIKE Ow! It still hurts you bloody git! ANGEL But give him some blood after draining him dry, The hunger takes effect as he sucks on your neck. We'll make him muscled and rough. And with blood, and just a little bit of manly love, He'll be dead and quite tough He'll be a strong vamp. So bloody? ALL But all vamps ANGEL Will eat nothing high protein. They just swallow raw blood? Trying to build up an appetite, martial arts, but not? Lungs And an evil diabolical man Doesn't even need seven days... ANGEL & VAMPIRE PROSTITUTES To make you a vamp. ANGEL He'll kill cheerleaders, and bankers, kill the old, young and feeble. He thinks beating old ladies is fun and quite evil. Your obsessed with living. I just don't understand, When it doesn't even take seven days... To make you a vamp. (Beep Beep Beep) ANGEL What the? CORDELIA JENNY! I mean, Miss Calendar! You never changed my grade like you promised! (Runs up to Jenny with a change of grade slip. Jenny ignores her and begins stripping) C'mon Giles (Show Me Affection) JENNY Whatever happened to going on patrol, When your stake was all sharp and you'd take a stroll? It don't seem the same since the mayor died And I came back to life thanks to gypsy magic inside. Two years ago I fell for a librarian, Before being killed by a barbarian; He was dressed in leather pants and a black silk shirt. I ran to the back of the school knowing it would really hurt. C'mon Giles, show me affection, I really love resurrection. C'mon Giles, show me affection, I really love resurrection. C'mon Giles, show me affection, I really love resurrection. C'mon Giles, show me affection, I really love resurrection. (Sex solo) (Jenny thrusts) My head used to swim from the cologne he wore. My hands kind of fumbled down there til I'd roar "Just come in my bed and I'll be your whore." He'd answer that tonight he was just gonna read. Go back to school, Put the kettle on The library was closed and the night seemed so long. Masturbating to his picture I'd try to get along. It felt pretty good. But not what I really need. (Cordelia slides to a halt at the V of Jenny's crotch and begins pleasuring her) C'mon Giles, show me affection, I really love resurrection. C'mon Giles, show me affection, I really love resurrection. C'mon Giles, show me affection, I really love resurrection. C'mon Giles, show me affection, I really love resurrection. (for a total of twelve times) (Angel attacks Jenny with a vibrating alpinist's pick) (Cordelia begins screaming how she did her part and not to hurt her before Jenny does hers) ANGEL One from last season. (chuckles) SPIKE Ha!? ANGEL (opens door) You baby? Don't be upset? I know it was a messy killing the first time but I like to clean up after myself? She had a certain innocent appeal, but no eroticism. (Spike flexes a bicep) ? Oh! To Make You a Vamp (Reprise) ANGEL But a jugular and a corpuscle. A hot vein and some neck muscle. Makes me, oooh, bite, Makes me want to take Jenny Calendar by the ? ha-ha-hand. ANGEL & VAMPIRE PROSTITUTES Doesn't even take seven days To make you a vamp. ANGEL I don't want no weird demons, Just able bodied seamen. RILEY That's a crazy plan. ANGEL It doesn't even take seven days, To make you a vamp. Run now if you can It doesn't even take seven days, To make you a vamp. (Angel and Spike's wedding march) VAMPIRE PROSTITUTES Angel and Spike, rah-rah-rah! Angel and Spike, rah-rah-rah! Angel and Spike, rah-rah-rah! Angel and Spike, rah-rah-rah! OZ There are some who say that vampires are imaginary, and demons are but a figment of gothic literature. If this is so, then Buffy and Riley are quite safe? However, the sudden departure of their host? and his childe? into the seclusion

of his somber crypt left them feeling both apprehensive and uneasy, a feeling which grew as the vampire prostitutes departed, and they were shown to their separate rooms. (Buffy and Riley are shown to their separate rooms by Xander and Willow) (Riley enters room) (Buffy enters room) (knock) (howling) RILEY Uhh! Who is it? Who's there? ANGEL (BUFFY) It's only me, Riley. RILEY Oh, Buffy darling, come in. Oh! Buffy, Oh Buffy. Yes, my darling? but what if? ANGEL (BUFFY) It's all right, Riley, everything's going to be all right. RILEY Oh, I hope so, my darling. Oh? Ah? Ahh OHHH! Oh, it's you! ANGEL I'm afraid so, Riley, but isn't it nice? RILEY Oh, you beast, you monster? Oh what have you done with Buffy? ANGEL Fucked the shit out of her but that was two years ago. Did you mean recently? RILEY You tricked me? I wouldn't have? I've never? I would never? never? Unless Buffy was ignoring, or it was an incredibly hard day, or I hadn't gotten laid in the past three hours, or the vamp was really cute. But otherwise never, never? ANGEL Yes, yes, I know, but it isn't all bad, is it? I think you really found it quite pleasurable. RILEY Oh, stop? I mean help? Buffy Buffy!? Oh Buffy!! ANGEL Shhh. Buffy's probably asleep by now. Do you want her to see you like? This! (Grabs Riley's wrist and starts sucking) RILEY Like this like how?! Oh, it's your fault? You're to blame? Oh? I was saving myself for the Red Cross drive. ANGEL Yes, but I'm sure your not drained yet? RILEY Promise you won't tell Buffy? ANGEL Cross my heart and hope to die? (assorted sucking noises) (Scene with Xander and Willow, Willow with a mop, Xander putting on gloves) (Xander walks over to Spike) (Xander grabs a cross and uses it to threaten Spike) (Spike runs away) (Spike climbs up the stairs out of the highschool basement) (Xander throws the cross after him then makes out with Willow) ANGEL (RILEY) Oh, Buffy darling, it's no good here. It'll destroy us. BUFFY Don't worry Riley, we'll be away from here in the morning. ANGEL (RILEY) Oh, Buffy you're so strong and protective. BUFFY Ah, ah, ah, oh YOU! ANGEL I'm afraid so, Buffy, but isn't it nice? BUFFY Yes, but what have you done with Riley? ANGEL Nothing. Why? Do you think I should? BUFFY Probably, but that's not the point. You tricked me, I wouldn't have? ANGEL Oh yes you would, I know? I was there the first time, remember. And it wasn't all bad, was it? Not even half bad, I think you really quite enjoyed it. BUFFY Oh? so soft? More? More? More Riley? RILEY! ANGEL Riley's probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you like THIS? (Buffy sits up and yells) BUFFY Like this, like how? It's your fault, you're to blame, I thought it was the living thing! ANGEL Oh come on, Buffy, admit it, you liked it, didn't you? It isn't a crime to give yourself over to pleasure, Buffy. We've wasted two seasons already? Riley needn't know, I won't tell him? BUFFY Well, promise you won't tell? ANGEL On my mother's corp-... XANDER Master-bater, Spike has broken his chains and vanished. Your new playmate is loose and somewhere on school grounds? Willow has just released the dogs? ANGEL Mmmm? Coming! RILEY What's happening here? Where's Buffy? Where's ANYbody? Oh, Buffy. Buffy, my darling, how could I have done this to you? Oh! If only we hadn't made this journey? If only the crossbow hadn't broken down? If only we were amongst friends? Or living persons. Oh Buffy, oh Buffy. What have they done with her? (screen shows Buffy bouncing up and down on top of Angelus) Oh, Buffy, Oh Buffy -- How could you? (he fondles vacuum cleaner) (Spike emits moans and general cries of pain) (Spike gets up) RILEY Oh, but you are hurt? I mean, good. I mean, did they do this to you? SPIKE You are a bleamin' idiot. RILEY I'll dress your wounds? baby there? (Rip his boxers and dress Spike's wound) Let me make it all better. SPIKE You're aware that vampires heal on their own? (glances down at Riley's wripped boxers) And that I'm straight? OZ Addiction: abnormally dependent

on something? Psychologically or physically habit forming. In other words: a powerful and irrational master? and from what Willow and Cordelia eagerly viewed on their television monitor there seemed little doubt that Riley was, indeed, ?its slave. WILLOW & CORDELIA Tell us about it, Riley. Suck-a Suck-a Suck-a Suck Me RILEY I was feeling turned on, From vampire spawn. I'd only ever killed their kind. CORDELIA You mean he? WILLOW ?s even dumber than he looks. RILEY I thought don't try to consort, Except as a last resort. It only leads to trouble And military court. Now all I want to do is go to you. I've given blood and I want less. WILLOW & CORDELIA Less, less, less. RILEY I'll put up no resistance But I have one insistence: I've got an itchy neck It's your subsistence. Sucka sucka sucka suck me! It's okay if you hurt me. Bite me, slight me, excite me! Creature of the night. Then if my veins shrink, while you drink, I'll get a needle and stick it in. WILLOW & CORDELIA In, in, in. RILEY And that's just one penetration Of the prime elation. You need a willing meal plan and I need sensation. Sucka sucka sucka suck me! It's okay if you hurt me. Bite me, slight me, excite me! Creature of the night. CORDELIA Sucka sucka sucka suck me! WILLOW It's okay if you hurt me. CORDELIA Bite me, slight me, excite me! WILLOW Creature of the night. RILEY Sucka sucka sucka suck me! It's okay if you hurt me. Bite me, slight me, excite me! Creature of the night. SPIKE Creature of the night. BUFFY Creature of the night? ANGEL Creature of the night. WILLOW Creature of the night. XANDER Creature of the ? hey! Nachos (walks off camera) CORDELIA Creature of the night. SPIKE Creature of the night. RILEY Creature of the night. (scene change, Xander being whipped) XANDER Owwwwwwwww! Mercy! (Being kicked by Angel) ANGEL How did it happen? I understand you were to be watching? XANDER I was only away for a minute? Masturbating. ANGEL Well, see if you can find him on the school's security cameras. XANDER Master-bater, master-bater? We have a visitor. BUFFY Hey, Giles! ANGEL You told your Watcher where we were? BUFFY Well, no. He, he's a friend of mine and we were on our way to meet him but I never knew we were going to end up here so how could I tell him to meet us here and? is there at all a chance you believe me. ANGEL I see. So this wasn't simply a chance meeting. You came here with a purpose. BUFFY Hello? I told you, my car broke down. Car right outside? You saw it, remember. ANGEL I know what you told me, Buffy? But Giles is not exactly unknown to me. BUFFY He was a librarian at Sunnydale High. You should know, you brought him books, remember. ANGEL Yes! And now he works for the Watcher's council again, doesn't he, Buffy? He's attached to the bureau of extermination of that which you call HST's!!! Isn't that right, Buffy? BUFFY He might be? I don't know. XANDER The intruder is entering the building, master-bater. ANGEL He'll probably be? entering the library. Shall we inquire of him in person? (activates triple contact faggot magnet) (Pause) BUFFY What the Hell? GILES Angelus, we meet again. BUFFY Giles! GILES Buffy! What are you doing here? ANGEL Don't play games, Mr. Giles. You know perfectly well what Buffy Summers is doing here. It was part of your plan, was it not? That the slayer and her bitch could check the layout for you. Well, unfortunately for you all, the plans are to be changed. You must be adaptable, old man; I know Buffy is. GILES I can assure you that Buffy's presence here comes as a complete surprise to me. I came here to find Jenny. BUFFY Jenny! I've seen her! ANGEL Jenny? What do you know of Jenny? GILES I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things. After all, Jenny happens to be ex-girlfriend. (Angel gasps and releases Oz) (Riley gasps) BUFFY Giles? RILEY Ah! GILES Riley! RILEY Mr. Giles! BUFFY Riley! RILEY BUFFY! ANGEL Spike! GILES Riley! RILEY Mr. Giles! BUFFY Riley! RILEY BUFFY! ANGEL Spike! GILES Riley! RILEY Mr.

Giles! BUFFY Riley! RILEY BUFFY! ANGEL Spike! Listen? I made you? and I can stake you just as easily. (to Spike) WILLOW (Rings gong) Master, dinner is prepared! ANGEL Excellent. Under the circumstances, formal dress is to be optional. OZ Food has always played a vital role in life's rituals, even for the dead. The breaking of bread, the sucking of blood from a dying man, and now? this meal. However informal it might appear, you can be sure that there was to be a little hoot and even less nanny. (Xander and Willow wheel in a cart) (Xander opens the lid) (Xander places a large piece of meat in front of Angel) (He carves the meat and Xander serves it to the others) (Xander pours and spills wine before this) ANGEL A toast? to absent friends? ALL To absent friends. BUFFY (to Riley) What exactly is in these glasses? ANGEL And to Spike. (Angel starts a verse of staccato "Happy Birthday Spike" and cuts it off after "Dear Spike." Riley continues until he realizes he is the only one left singing.) Shall we? GILES We came here to discuss Jenny. CORDELIA Jenny! (Angel threatens her with the slicer) ANGEL That's a rather tender subject. Another slice anyone? CORDELIA Excuse me. (Exits room, closes door behind her, and screams) GILES (to the entire table) I knew she was in with a bad crowd, but is was worst than I imagined? Demons! SPIKE What the blazes are you talking about? We're vampires you twit. BUFFY Giles! ANGEL Go on, Mr.Giles. Or should I say? Ripper. BUFFY Just what exactly are you implying? GILES It's all right! BUFFY Giles! OZ It's all right, Buffy. Jenny GILES From the day she came here. She was annoying. She was an itch. In my boxer shorts. She tried in vain? OZ ? but of sex he would always abstain. GILES But I wept the day she was no more. From the day she was gone All I wanted Was computer geek porn And my Jenny back. Hiring mystic jerks? OZ But not a damn thing they tried ever worked! GILES And my sex life was feeling the lack. ALL When Jenny said she wouldn't wear a teddy Giles acted like a stuck up prick. But when he shut off his cock with a kryptonite lock ANGEL That poor wench! RILEY But her stench. OZ Made me sick. CORDELIA Everybody failed me But when Jenny nailed me I said, "hey, can you pass me? And I'll give you my ass for free!" But she didn't run from Angel fast enough to flee. GILES But then she was brought Back from the dead, Making me fraught With worry when I read? ALL What'd you read? What'd you read? JENNY'S VOICE I'm out of that Hel Oh, hurry, this won't turn out well. Angelus might just come out ahead. (scream) ALL When Jenny said she wouldn't wear a teddy Giles acted like a stuck up prick. But when he shut off his cock with a kryptonite lock ANGEL That poor wench! RILEY But her stench. GILES Made me sick. ALL When Jenny said she wouldn't wear a teddy Giles acted like a stuck up prick. But when he shut off his cock with a kryptonite lock ANGEL That poor wench! ALL Oh-oh-oh... RILEY But her stench. ALL Ew, ew, ew... GILES Made me sick. (Angel pulls the tablecloth off of the table and the slaughtered remains of Jenny are seen under the glass surface) (All scream) (Spike runs to Riley and bites his neck) ANGEL Spike! How can you think of food at a time like this? GILES (To Buffy, who's running alongside him) This way, this way. (General mayhem as Angel chases Riley. Xander and Willow laugh, until Xander suddenly says "Why are we laughing?") XANDER Why are we laughing? Hiney Whiney ANGEL I'll drink your blood but I won't give in. You'd better shut up, Riley Finn. Your soufflé is a bit too thin. You'd better shut up, Riley Finn. I've broke her cherry; it should make things quite merry. You're as bright as a nightlight; wound up like an G.I. Joe guy. When I sucked you, were you this contrary? Ya gonna bitch? Well, pay attention. You better shut up, Riley Finn. The hypnosis will cause sclerosis. RILEY My boots! I can't move my boots! GILES My glasses! My God, I can't clean my glasses! BUFFY It's as if we're glued to the

spot! ANGEL Bingo! So quake with fear, you mortal fools! RILEY (Breaks down in tears) We're stuck! ANGEL (sung) It's something you'll get used to. Everyone needs a little fuck. GILES You won't find mortals quite the easy mark you imagine. This hypnosis sclerosis? it is I suppose, some kind of psycho-somatic capillary-constriction command word? BUFFY You mean? GILES Yes, Buffy, it's something we've heard of vamps having for quite some time. But it seems our friend here has found a means of perfecting it. A power capable of breaking down human will and then controlling it within the body and, who knows, perhaps even mentally projecting. RILEY You mean he's going to mentally control our hineys? ANGEL Hiney, Whiney Riley! You better shut up, Riley Finn. You better shut up, build your butt up, You better shut up? OZ And then he stood up? RILEY Stop! ANGEL Don't get hot and horny! This line is quite corny. BUFFY You're an asshole, but you better not try to enspell us, Angelus. (Angelus's eyes flash red and Buffy turns to stone) GILES You're an asshole, but you better not try to enspell us, Angelus. (Angelus's eyes flash red and Giles turns to stone) RILEY You're a poopyhead-- (Angelus's eyes flash red and Riley turns to stone) CORDELIA My God! I can't stand any more of this! First you cancel my credit cards, and then you throw out my wardrobe for an old overcoat and these pajamas! You bully other people and take their stuff? I wanted you? d'ya hear me! I wanted you. And what did it get me? Yeah, I'll tell you -- a big nothing. You're like a leech. You drink, drink, drink, and drain others of their blood and emotion. Yeah, well, I've had enough! You're gonna choose between me and Spike, so named because of? something I can't think of. (Angelus's eyes flash red and Cordelia turns to stone) ANGELUS It's not easy finding good help? (Angelus's eyes flash red and Spike turns to stone) Even feeding makes my face ache? And my childers turn on me? Spike's behaving just the way he always did. Do you think I made a mistake, taking out his chip before getting him to agree to destroy the world for me? (Willow walks over to where Angelus is. Xander follows) WILLOW Ahhh! I grow weary of this world! When shall we open the Hellmouth, huh? ANGEL Willow, I am indeed grateful to both you and your boyfriend, Xander. You have both served me well. Loyalty such as yours shall not go unrewarded. You will discover that when my libido takes me, I can be quite generous. WILLOW I ask for nothing? ANGEL That works, too. Come, we are ready for the ritual. OZ And so, by some extraordinary coincidence, fate, it seemed, had decided that Buffy and Riley should keep that appointment with their friend, Mr. Giles. But it was to be in a situation which none of them could have possibly foreseen. And, just a few hours after declaring their mutual hatred of the Initiative, Buffy and Riley had both been tasted? By the Initiative's enemies. This irony was proof that Angelus was again a vampire with no soul and a significant appetite. What further dangers were they to be subjected to? And what of the ritual that had been spoken of? On top of the Hellmouth? In the middle of the night? What diabolical plan had seized Angelus's crazed imagination? What indeed? From what had gone before, it was clear that this was to be? no picnic. Blood Tints My World (Unfreeze - Cordelia) CORDELIA It was great when he first bit me. I was an Angelus devotee. But it was over right when he decreed To damn the Sunnydale bourgeoisie. Now the only thing that's left to try Is to find myself a handsome guy. Blood tints my world, keeps me safe from hunger and pain. (Unfreeze - Spike) SPIKE I'm two hundred years young, And extraordinarily well hung. And the next few days should be quite fun Since my hunger has been unstrung. But the one thing that I like best Is biting into Riley's neck.. Blood tints my world and keeps me safe from hunger and pain. (Unfreeze - Buffy) BUFFY It confuses me; Angelus uses me! I'll look good; you'll see, In a

spaghetti strap bikini. What's this? Let's see, I feel sexy! What's gotten into me? Woo! Mr. Pointy again. (Camera close up revels Buffy's? um, impaled herself on her own stake) (Unfreeze - Riley) RILEY I feel anemic; Hypoglycemic. The problem is I'm bulimic; How do I get it back? My blood sugar has gone away; And the craving's there to stay. Spike can suck me all day. I love his hunger attacks. ANGEL Whatever happened to Faith? That buxom, young Slayer who left? As she fought Nine vampires. When she lit them On fire And in black leather she was quite well dressed. Give your blood over to nocturnal demons. Feel the warm fires of flames coming from Hell. Erotic nightmares, without any reason. So you lose the daytime? It's just as well. You don't really need it. No, no, no. Don't bleed it, drink it. (four times) ALL Don't bleed it, drink it (eight times) (On sixth line, Angelus's eyes flash and Giles is unfrozen) GILES Whoa! We've got to get out of this school Before this vampire makes us food. I've got to be tough, and hope that's enough or else my control may well snap and my life will be lived? (feels face which has gone all bumpy and ridgey) as a vamp! BUFFY It confuses me; Angelus uses me! RILEY God bless Joss Whedon. ANGEL Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me? me I'm a crazy and an deadly vamp. I'm undead with a pissed off rant. You get a red light on the indicator lamp. Your heart'll thump and you make me pant. So run for cover in the nearby woods. We're gonna getcha just like we should. Blood tints my world, keeps me safe from my hunger and pain. ALL We're crazy and deadly vamps. We're undead with a pissed off rant. You get a red light on the indicator lamp. Your heart'll thump and you make us pant. So run for cover in the nearby woods. We're gonna getcha just like we should. Blood tints my world, keeps me safe from my hunger and pain. We're crazy and deadly vamps. We're crazy and deadly vamps. We're undead with a pissed off rant. You get a red light on the indicator lamp. Your heart'll thump and you make us pant. So run for cover in the nearby woods. We're gonna getcha just like we should, should, should. Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from my hunger and pain. (Xander and Willow enter from the rear door in black leather outfits) XANDER Yo, Angelus, it's all done here. Your family is a failure; Your childers go astray. I am your new sire; You now are my childer. We return to Los Angeles. Prepare the Chevrolet. ANGEL Wait! I can explain! (Angelus goes and speaks to Cordelia, who goes and turns on the spotlight; and to Spike who goes and turns on the stage lights) I'm Spinning Off ANGEL On the day the school blew up? ALL Oh no? ANGEL I nearly threw up? ALL Way to go? ANGEL I want to act again, and stay on. ALL With my own show? ANGEL Sign here, and that will mean I may. ?cause I've been, Undervalued oh, Underrated in my eyes (Willow yawns with disinterest) And I realize, I'm spinning off. ALL I'm spinning off. (Willow yawns) ANGEL In Sunnydale it's been the same? ALL ?feeling? ANGEL ?like I'm outside feeling lame? ALL ?wheeling? ANGEL ?Easy To try and find a fight? ALL ?dealing? ANGEL ?death from pencils, death from light. ?Cause I've been, oh, undervalued, Underrated in my eyes And I realize, I'm spinning off. ANGEL & ALL I'm spinning off. (3 times) (applause, then Vampire Prostitutes disappear) WILLOW Well that answered nothing. (Angelus turns around and sees the house empty) XANDER And rather self-centered, even for you. You see, when I said we were to return to Los Angeles, I referred only to Willor and myself. I'm sorry, however, if you found my words misleading, but you see, you are to remain here; in ashes, anyway. GILES Good lord, that's a crossbow! XANDER Yes, Oz. A crossbow capable of firing a bolt of pure anti-mater. BUFFY That doesn't make any sense. GILES Neither does anything else in this episode. Continuity must be protected. XANDER See, Oz gets it. And now, Angelus, your time has come. Say good-bye to all of this, and hello to

oblivion. (Cordelia screams - get staked) (Angelus tries to escape by climbing the curtain) (Angelus screams - gets staked, falls) (Spike moans over and falls on Angelus's ashes) (Picks him up and begins to climb the tower - gets staked in the stomach, staked in the back, staked in the shoulder, staked in ther armpit, and finally staked through the heart ? Spike's and Angel's ashes fall into the pool) BUFFY Jeez, Xander! What's your problem? RILEY Oh! You killed them! Now they'll never feed from me again. (Buffy glares at him) WILLOW But I thought you'd liked him. He liked you. XANDER I didn't like him! I never liked him! GILES You did right. XANDER (Primping) A decision had to be made. GILES You're O.K. by me. (holds out his hand as to shake it with Xander) XANDER Oz, I'm sorry about your? GILES Jenny? Yes, well, perhaps it was all for the best, heh, heh, heh. (cleans glasses) XANDER You should leave now, Mr. Giles, while it is still possible. We are about to suck the entire school down through the Hellmouth, into Hell. It's on the other side. Of the Hellmouth. Go? Now. (to Willow) Our vision is completed, my most beautiful sister-like-platonic-friend-except-not-now-that-we're-both-sexy-creatures-of-the-night, and soon we shall return to the blood-drenched shores of our beloved Hell dimension. WILLOW Oh? Sweet Sunnydale, land of the Hellmouth? To sing and dance once more to your demon lords. To take? That? pretty girl in plain sight! XANDER & WILLOW Ha! XANDER But it's the pelvic THRUST! (flashback to Fuck Over Xander sequence) ALL That really drives him insaaaaane WILLOW And the demons will fuck you over AGAIN! (Shot of the entire school being sucked down into the Hellmouth as Buffy and Riley carry Giles out) Super Heroes (Buffy and Riley are crawling around on the ground outside the school, in mist) BUFFY I've slain a lot. Vamps know I try To end their days. I slay their kind. But all I know is down inside I'm? ALL ?bleeding? (Riley comes on the screen like a cat) RILEY And so my girlfriend comes to slay To fuck them up Three times a day. And all I know is still the vamps are? ALL ?breeding? BUFFY (Buffy is on the ground) My bitch, I can't find my bitch. RILEY (Riley is on the ground) My mistress, I can't find my mistress. GILES (Giles is on the ground) My glasses, I can't find my glasses. (Red light on Buffy) (Scene starts to turn grainy, and fades into a woodcut illustration in a book, which Oz closes) OZ And crawling Past the ruined school Some mortals I regard as fools? They keep us safe While vampires rule The evenings. ALL Evenings? Tuesday Evening/UPN - Reprise NERF HERDER Tuesday evening, UPN. Angelus has died and. Lost his friends. Dust has covered Buffy and Riley. Willow and Xander At least are smiley. Grr, ah, ah, argh. On the eight PM, UPN, TV show. I want to go, oh, oh, oh. Watch the eight PM, UPN, TV Show.

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