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Calm Before the Storm

König x fem!Reader

Note: this one has been RUMINATING in the drafts man

Summary: College is kicking (Y/N)’s ass, thankfully her loyal boyfriend, König, is there to help out.

Warnings: reader spends the whole time stressing abt school n stuff, Google translate German

Word count: 902

(Y/N) had been calm for a while. She didn’t know why but for some reason she hadn’t felt the stress of her grueling college courses, or even the exams for them that were coming up. It was almost as if she was numb to it. Just completely indifferent on everything. While curious, she didn’t want to question it. No matter how “too good to be true,” it was, she wouldn’t risk jinxing herself.

That is until the stress caught up with her. As the date of her exams edged closer and closer, she felt every bit of anxiety she’d been narrowly avoiding crashing down on her full force. Half of her week was spent crying over schoolwork, the other half was her crying over the fact that everything was only just now hitting her, beating herself up over her previous aloofness.

She couldn’t tell wether she was glad or not that König was on deployment. On the one hand, he wasn’t there to see her at her worst, scream sobbing almost every night over school; yet at the same time, all she wanted was for him to hold her while she cried and tell her everything would be alright.

(Y/N) tried to do her assignments, she really did, but it just ended with her sitting on a kitchen bar stool crying over her laptop.

“Why am I so fucking stupid.” She cried, letting everything out in the privacy of her empty home. “I’m going to flunk out of college and then I’ll never get a steady job and I’ll be out on the streets begging for money.”

It sounded ridiculously sad but it felt so good to talk about her emotions, even if it was only to herself.

She threaded her hands through her hair and laid her head down on the table in front of her. She had planned on laying there for an undecided amount of time just crying, but she was startled by a voice behind her, “I wouldn’t let that happen, liebchen.”

She looked up, meeting eyes with König. His eyes softened significantly at the sight of hers which had glossed over with a thick layer of tears.

“I thought you wouldn’t be home for another two weeks,” she pouted, “I would’ve greeted you better than this, woulda at least made you dinner.”

He shook his head, “nonsense, I wanted to surprise you.”

She wiped her tears with the sleeve of her sweater, although, they were quickly replaced with more. “Well, I’m surprised.”

His lips pressed into a frown, reaching to wipe her eyes for her, “What’s got you so upset, Bärchen?”

She sighed and nodded her head towards her laptop, “I can’t do my assignments.”

“Oh thank god.” He breathed.

She stared at him confusion, so he quickly explained himself. “That means it’s easily fixable.” He gently stroked her tear-stained cheek, “let me help you, mein liebchen.”

“I couldn’t ask you to do that, it’s all my fault I’m so behind. I should be the one doing stuff for you right now.”

“What did I say earlier?” He asked.

She shrugged her shoulders in response.

“I said that’s nonsense. This relationship is a two way street, if you need help, I’m going to help you. Now show me what you need help on.”

She turned her computer screen towards him, displaying the essay she’d been working on. “Need to finish this, I suck at conclusions.”

He nodded, reading over her work and making revisions here and there. Once he finished, he gave her ideas on how to end her essay.

“Thank you, König.” (Y/N) mumbled, standing up and pulling him into a hug.

He smiled, rubbing up and down her back with his huge palms. “Of course, (Y/N). Now why don’t you start working on your other things while I do some chores around the house?”

“I couldn’t ask you to do chores when you just got back, baby.”

“And you didn’t, but I’m going to do them regardless.”

(Y/N) bit her lip in unease but let up, “okay.”

In between doing the household chores, König fussed over (Y/N) like a worried mother fusses over their golden child. Anything she needed was hers. He motivated her with his kind acts of service, making her food, massaging her shoulders and back, praising her for her hard work. He was everything she’d been missing in the past few weeks of studying.

“I still feel bad about making you do all this.” She muttered as he placed a plate of warm food in front of her.

He swore he could have thumped her on the head for being so ashamed to let someone take care of her, “There is nothing wrong with being spoiled, liebchen.”

She shook her head, “yeah but I’m making you do all this instead of relaxing after you just got off your long deployment, all because I’m an idiot.”

König glared, pinching his thumb and pointer finger together before huffing, “I am this close to flicking you the next time you speak down on yourself. You didn’t make me do anything, I am helping because I love you.”

She pressed her lips together and stared up at him, “I love you too,” she muttered, “I love you a lot.”

He grabbed her hand from across the table, “I know, liebchen, now eat. You need energy to do all this work.”

Alex Needs You

Fandom: Hamilton

Pairings: Platonic!Maria Reynolds x Reader, Platonic!Hamilsquad x Reader, Alexander Hamilton x Reader, Past!Alexander Hamilton x John Laurens, Maria Reynolds x Lafayette.

Summary: Your college roommate, Maria Reynolds, wakes you up in the middle of the night to tell you that a boy you’re very close to is having a mental breakdown due to a schoolwork overload.

Warnings: College, panic attack due to schoolwork, cursing

Author’s Notes: -This is a college AU. -Don’t ask me why Maria and Lafayette are together. I don’t know. -I changed Lafayette name around for this because I learned that his first name is not Marquis, it is his title. Lafayette’s full name in this is Gilbert Marie-Joseph Lafayette. -I technically wrote Reader as a female in this, but I think the only proof of that is that Y/n and Maria share a female dorm room, and I think Lafayette refers to Reader as ‘M’dame.’ -The real founding fathers were horrible people (except for John Laurens and John Adams) who profited off slavery. This is not a fanfiction about them.

Please take some time to sign some BLM petitions! Remember not to give any money to change.org because the money would go to the website, not the cause.

*******

    King’s College was the most prestigious university in the state. You were lucky enough to be awarded the scholarship money you needed to afford an education at the college on top of being accepted.

    Speaking of your luckiness, you made several friends on your first day that you had managed to keep. Your fist friend at the university was your dormmate, Maria Reynolds. She introduced you to her boyfriend, Gilbert Marie-Joseph Lafayette, and Lafayette got you to meet his friends: John Laurens, Hercules Mulligan, and Alexander Hamilton. Laurens and Mulligan shared a dorm room, and Alex roomed with Lafayette. You’d been to both dorms plenty of times, but you practically lived in the latter.

    The reason was Alexander.

    He was good friends with everyone, but he barely hung out with anyone. The workaholic virtually never left his and Lafayette’s dorm room except to go to classes. Alex was completely dedicated to his education. On top of that, he was going for a duel-major in Law and Economics. You took pity on the bags under his eyes as soon as you saw them.

    You brought him food when he forgot to eat (which was almost everyday), you forced him to go to bed (which was definitely every night), and you even helped him through his break-up with his high school sweetheart: John Laurens. Needless to say, you and Alexander were the closest out of your new friends group.

    That was why Maria woke you up one night.

    “What is it?” you muttered groggily.

    She was clearly in distress when she told you, “Y/n, we gotta go to Laf’s and Alexander’s place right now.”

    “What?” you sat up a little in bed.

    Maria was putting on her shoes. “Laf just called me. John and Herc are already there. Alex is having some sort of a breakdown. He needs you.”

    Suddenly, you were out of bed. You got up so fast that your eyes did that thing where you went blind for a second. You asked thousands of questions about Alexander’s well-being, but Maria didn’t know much. All she could tell you was that Alex locked himself in his and Lafayette’s room. You and Maria set off to the boys’ dorm building at 2 in the morning.

    “C’est tout, I’m kicking the door in.” John and Hercules were backing out of the way of the Lafayette by the time you arrived on the scene.

    “Whoa! No, no. Stop that right now,” you ordered. “I’m not having you guys wreck school property, and something big like that will only stress out Alex more. Just...tell me what’s going on.”

    Lafayette explained, “I came back from being out with the boys, and I realized the door was locked. I called out to Alexander, but he said he’d be done in a moment and his work was almost done. He sounded like he was crying very hard. I tried to talk to him more, but he hasn’t said anything since. That was an hour ago.”

    “Okay,” you took a deep breath, and approached the door. “Alex? Hey, it’s Y/n. I, uh, I just need to know if you-if you hurt yourself.”

    Alex stuttered, “Yeah-Ye-Yes. Yes. I’m-I’m fine. I just need a little more time, okay? I-I just need to finish this essay for Washington.”

    Hercules was the first to voice his relief. “Oh, thank god. Y/n, I don’t know how you managed to do that. We haven’t been able to get Alex to talk since we got here.”

    “Maybe there’s too many people,” Maria deduced, “We’re probably overwhelming him. He always responds best to Y/n anyway. How about we just leave them alone for a bit?”

    The rest of the group agreed. When they started to leave, John stayed back for a moment.

    He began, “I just want to thank you, Y/n. I know Alex and I broke up before school started, but I still care about him a lot, you know? You being there for him means a lot to me.”

    “I know, John.” You affirmed, “I’ll take care of this.”

    John nodded, and went to follow the others.

    You walked back up to the door. “Alexander? The others are gone. Can I come in?”

    At first, there was silence on the other side of the door. Then, you heard his chair roll back from his desk. Footsteps approached the door. It opened to a tear-stained Alexander.

    Alex looked a mess. His dorm room wasn’t much different. There were crumpled papers everywhere It looked like he freaked out. That resulted in his blankets and pillows being whipped off his bed. His phone and laptop had been thrown to the floor and their screens had been shattered. Alex was currently working off of Lafayette’s laptop.

    He noticed that you were looking around the room as you entered. “I’m sorry. Half of my fucking essay got deleted, and...and I...lost it, I guess? I locked the door because I didn’t want Laf to see what I did...I was going to let him in once I got a chance to clean up a little, but I-I have to finish this essay.” It was like he just reminded himself, and Alex sat down to get back to work.

    “Alex.” You put your hands over his and intertwined his and your fingers. “Take a break,” you urged him.

    His eyes hadn’t left the screen of the laptop.

    “I’ll email Professor Washington, and ask for an extension for you. I’m sure you’ll get it.”

    Alex was still unresponsive. He’d moved his gaze to your connected hands. They were in his lap, and you were kneeling in front of him.

    “Alexander, please,” you begged for his attention.

    Finally, Alex met your eyes. He nodded.

    “Good.” You couldn’t help but smile a little at the sight of his eyes again. “Now, I’ll help you clean up in here. We can get you a new laptop, and the phone’s fixable. Then, maybe you can talk to the guys and Maria. Show them you’re alright, maybe?”

    He looked back down at your hands again. “I don’t want them to see me like this. It’s bad enough having you all come out in the middle of the night just to check on me.”

    “We came here because we care about you, Alexander. It scares us when you work yourself to the bone like this. Well, I know it scares me--”

    Alex’s eyes snapped up to yours. “I scare you?”

    “Well, you worry me, yeah,” you confirmed. “Why do you think I’m here everyday, checking in on you. It’s because I care--”

    No warning taking place beforehand, Alexander kissed you. The sudden impact made you realize the two of you had been building up to it for a long time. You stood up to better kiss him. Alexander followed you. You could’ve sworn you hadn’t been making out for that long, but when you broke the kiss, both you and Hamilton were breathless. He had his hands on your waist while yours were softly cupping his neck.

    “You’re in a really emotional place tonight, Alex,” you voiced the first reason that came to mind that Alexander possibly hadn’t meant what he had just done.

    Alexander immediately disagreed, “No. I’ve been wanting to do that for a long time. I’ve loved you for a long time.”

    Not knowing if Maria had actually woken you up that night in the first place or if you were instead dreaming then, you shakily nodded, “Okay. This Friday, at 8, let’s go out to dinner. But let’s not discuss this anymore tonight. You need sleep.”

    Fifteen minutes later, the dorm room was clean as it was going to get at 3am, and the shattered electronics were tucked under Alexander’s bed. Professor Washington was for some reason awake at that ungodly hour, and he had already responded to your email, agreeing to give Alexander a three-week extension.

    “Thank you, Y/n. Really.” Alex leaned on his doorframe while you were on your way out. He was holding your hand. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”

    Softly smiling, you leaned in to give Alex another kiss. “You can call me, anytime, anywhere, and I’ll come right to you,” you whispered.

    “Oooo,” a harmony of teasing voices sounded from down the hallway. It was the rest of the gang.

    Laurens called, “I knew it! I knew you two were going to get together!”

    Hercules seemed serious when he informed, “I want to be the flower guy at y’all’s wedding. You hear me?”

    “Oh my god!” squealed Maria, “Now you, me, Alex, and Laf can go on double dates!”

    You helped everyone else away from Alexander and Lafayette’s door. “Okay, yes, me and Alex are...together now. But this is all stuff we can talk about tomorrow. Alex needs to sleep. We all need sleep. You hear that, Laf? That means no pestering Alex about him and me. Understand?”

    He gave a mock-salute. “Oui, M’dame.”

    “That goes for you, too.” You turned to Maria. “I’m going to bed as soon as we get back.”

    Maria raised her eyebrows at you. “Not a chance. I’m getting every detail out of you!” she proclaimed as she dragged you back to your dorm.

*******

Author’s Note: Thank you for reading! Fill up that heart and reblog if you liked it! If you would like to read more, I have more fics on Hamilton over on my page. You should go check it out. Have a nice day, night, or whatever time it is for you! <3 <3 <3

Sooooooo I’m fucked.

My laptop screen is jacked up on the bottom portion of the screen.

Going to have to have husbands friend fix it. If it’s fixable that is.

So I might be without my laptop for a while and I’m not even sure what the hell is going to happen right now.

Ugh this is the last thing I need to deal with right now!

11/29

5:23pm The C-PTSD diagnosis makes me fearful that I have zero control over my behavior, actions, relationships, rational cognition, and as if I’m not a valid individual. I feel as if I am not allowed to say anything, have a voice, stand my ground, speak with others, ask for help, experience hurt, have a perspective, share my perspective, or generally engage and interact with this world. I am SO numb in fact, that I don’t feel I can speak at all. I am worried anything that comes out of my mouth is some weird product of C-PTSD that I can’t control that will push away anyone I try to talk with or get to know.  I have always believed myself as a rational, logical human being with a heart so caring I’d do anything for other people. I know that I’m normal. I always believed I was a regular person. I know that I’m a good person. I know that I’m a valid and a real person. I feel only people who are gone or far away know this and can vouch for this: Grandma, Mrs. Urban, Mrs. Miller, Natasha, Daniele. If the lens in which I view the world and others is broken, and my vision is skewed, then I don’t know what to make of that. I don’t know who I am or who I’m supposed to be. Does that mean everything I’ve been so far in life wasn’t normal or acceptable? I literally feel like I can’t order food in restaurants. I can’t say “excuse me” when someone is in my way in the bathroom. I can’t answer the question, “How are you?” I can’t speak on the phone to people. I can’t work as an employee. I’m just throwing out random scenarios here. But if I’m not a REAL HUMAN with control over my life and actions, if none of it is real, if I’m merely “insane,” then I simply cannot function on this earth and don’t wish to. I don’t know what to do with myself. I went to therapy with Max’s letter. I stayed up from midnight till 5:30am last night dissecting it. I annotated the entire thing, line by line on my computer. Using the comment and highlighting tool, I then wrote comments of my reactions and thoughts to each part. I then sent it as an attachment to my therapist with a brief description of what happened. I then brought my computer into therapy today from 2-3 and she and I got on our laptops and went through the whole thing. When Max’s letter first came through, all I saw was, “Hi Katie, I’m writing to tell you that I’m no” flash at the top of my phone screen. The word “no” was a negative. Wishful thinking suggested it could be, “I’m no longer in need of a break from you” or “I’m now ready to engage in conversation.” I knew that wasn’t it though. I knew this was bad bad bad bad bad. Somatics: I immediately felt faint. Like a subtle cold gust of air blown on the top of my forehead. I felt as if I could fall forward or faint. I then physically froze in the room. I put my phone down on my bed and stood up. I wasn’t reading that message. I stood up frozen in fear. Panic, Paralyzed. I walked to the kitchen. The whole living room was dark. My roommate had gone to bed. My bedroom light blue a fuse. I walked through the living room and to the high kitchen counter where I rested my elbows and hung my head down. I braced myself against the counter, closed my eyes, and took deep breaths. I then paced. I walked back to my bedroom and sat down on the bed. I stood up. I walked to the bathroom and sat on the toilet. I stood up. I walked to the living room and sat down on the couch. I stared straight ahead. I went and got my phone and flicked the home screen on. I opened the message. I read the opening line. I LAUGHED. They sounded exactly like a 4-year-old kiddo. I kept reading the first paragraph. I immediately felt physically sick. I put the phone down and walked away. I went to the bathroom and decided to take a shower. First time since dying my hair a week ago and knew it’d be a pink mess. I had to take a hot steamy shower, even though the hot water isn’t good for my newly color treated hair. I took a warm shower instead. Sure enough, pink dye flung all over the inside of my shower curtain, the tub floor, and the shower walls. It wasn’t coming off either. It wouldn’t scrub off. I’m on my period so I was also bleeding in the shower. I felt messy like I couldn’t get clean from my soul outward. I got out of the shower and needed to towel-dry my hair with a towel. I knew this would ruin the towel. Still leaking blood, I went to my bed and sat down on a towel. I dried off. I put a pad and underwear on.  I paced. I put on a dress. I went back to the living room couch and picked up my phone. I skimmed the entire message. I had to put my phone down again after skimming the second paragraph. It was too much. Way too much. A lecture on how to be a person. I put the phone down. The inside of my chest felt exasperated. I felt literal shortness of breath. Still feeling faint, I tried to remain composed. No immediate urge to cry had happened yet. I was panic-stricken, but in paralysis. I came back and skimmed the rest of the message. Having braced myself for the worst, the content itself didn’t cut me as much as it would have in the past, before I’d gone numb from klonopin, before all the trauma numbed me, and back when I could feel feelings. My world froze.  I stared blankly ahead, into nothingness, that thing I do where my eyes cross over and I go into a daze. I don’t blink forever. My mind is racing in this state, of course. My thoughts are stringing one after the other after the other. The entire time, I’m telling myself I need to sit down and blog all this. I need to take notes of everything I’m thinking and feeling. I need to track all of it for therapy. I need to write it out as therapy and as a tool to help me identify somatic reactions and patterns in my behaviors and thinking patterns triggering flash backs. I thought about things like what age my feelings felt, identifying the somatic feelings in my body following various antecedents. I thought about composure and neutrality and remained grateful that this numbing agent called Klonopin was getting me through something that would normally kill me. I tried to ask myself “what changed” in the time of not yet receiving that letter from Max and receiving that letter from Max. “Moments ago, I had not yet received the letter and things were okay. Before you met Savannah, you were okay. You were going to start an MSW program. Had you never met her, you still would have been just as okay as you became after you met her. Had you never met her you wouldn’t have known how incredibly rewarding your friendship with her would have been.” I tried to remember who I was and where things were before things happened, trying to convince myself I was okay, am okay, and will be okay.  It just wasn’t working. I thought to myself, “I have to flee.” My thoughts were:  -I can’t stay in Ann Arbor -I have to leave -I can’t go to U of M next fall -I have to move away  -I have to leave NOW -I have to do something NOW -Where do I go? -What do I do? -You have potential to build a friendship with other people if you stay, like Alyssa -How do I fix this? -I have to fix this. -I have to fucking fix this. -They have to let me fix this. -It’s fixable.  -Nothing in this letter happened. -I have to set the record straight. -Who will help me? -I need help. -Amy will help me.  -”I should tell my dad” -I want to go home -I want to go back to Kalamazoo -I should go back to my parents -I need to go to the hospital -I need to be admitted to a psych ER -I need to kill myself -I need to wipe myself out -If I take a bunch of melatonin, will that put me out peacefully? Would I wake up or would I be dead? -I need to fly out to Virginia, get Natasha, and go some place warm -I need to take a vacation with Natasha -I need to see Natasha -I need to hug Natasha -Maybe Natasha will just sit with me and we can hug -I need to be with someone -I can’t be alone tonight -I don’t feel like putting on clothes and driving anywhere -I don’t want to salvage anything with my parents -I’m ready to disown my parents -They are entitled to nothing -I am ready to be done with my parents -I am ready to see my grandma again -Will things be better there? -I have to do something -But I don’t WANT to kill myself -I have to talk to Amy first -Amy will talk to Savannah -Maybe Savannah would be willing to come to therapy with me now -Everything is going to be okay -Of course Lisa left -She had every right to -Maybe I would have too -I probably would have too -That was a smart decision -I was too much -I’m better now -I’m capable of now -I’m nothing -If I go to the hospital, will they take my phone away from me?