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thoughtcock · 3 years

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Post breakup reflection

1. What was my role in the demise of this relationship?

Many times, he has expressed to me that I am not fulfilling his needs enough and that he’s way more giving than I am in the relationship.

For example, he expects sex at least 3-4 times a week, and uses sex as a way to destress himself. For me, working full time with irregular schedules makes it pretty difficult for that to commit to this much sexy time. Plus, when I’m stressed, sex is the last thing I would think of. As such, I felt guilty and pressured whenever I can’t seem to satisfy him physically. It’s like I’m expected to still give a blowjob and whatever after a long, hectic and possibly even traumatising day at work. During the whole period of dating I felt like I partially lost interest in sex. Not just because of work stress, but I’m sure he played a role in making me feel like this as well. As a result, sometimes our times in bed can feel "boring” or I just seem to feel pain/discomfort from sex. To him, being unable to satisfy him made him feel upset, and he would be meaner to me as a result. Honestly, 1-2 times a week is more than enough for me, but sometimes he made me feel like I never tried, and that hurts but I guess that disinterest has caused the downfall. He said so much hurtful things to me in retrospect, and I can’t believe I just took in everything he said and thought we could work this out again.

He thinks I’m too passive and quiet, always being unable to speak my mind and engage in deep conversations with him. But again, I always felt like I am trying my best, its just I’’m so tired from work and I physically just dont have the energy to keep having deep philosophical conversations over and over again. Sometimes I would just like my downtime to be chill, making dumb jokes and just doing mindless stuff together. I would admit that it can be difficult for me to speak my mind at times, but I really really really did try my best to open up as best as I can. I am not sure how else I can be open already to be honest. And the more he demands that from me, the more emotionally tiring it is for me. Because I really am not sure where I have gone wrong in that regard, but I just know what I’m not doing enough to him has caused the downfaill of our relationship.

The nature of my job has also caused a lot of friction between us as well. There were times where I would unreasonably make him translate a lot of sound bites for me, lots of last minute OT days that left him waiting for me, lots of anxiety on my end that he can’t seem to help me with. In all honesty, he has never been that respectful to my job, and questioned my skills as a reporter. But for me, I just wished he couldnt understand why I felt like this and just be there for me (without making fun of me) when things got tough. It is my fault to an extent because I sometimes cannot control my emotional outbursts during work and that work always seems to throw me a curveball and that I am constantly seeking help from him.

It fucking sucks but I guess its really our needs clashing against each other, and it feels so fucked up to admit that I let myself be treated like that and I question myself if I will ever be enough.

2. What can I do differently in my next relationship?

Writing this out made me realise that all these demises are really out of my control. But I know there’s some aspects of myself that i can change. I agree that I’m a passive and less giving person, in which I swore to myself that I would change when we patched back again. I guess it was too late because you broke my heart really soon after that.

I would do so much differently. I would never ever let myself feel small, belittled or get fucked over by a man again. I would find someone who can compliment my lifestyle and needs, and vice versa. I would find someone who makes me believe that I am enough, that I don’t have to fight so hard just to maintain the relationship. I would be more guarded, as I now realise that even the most unexpecting of people can do horrible things like cheating, but not too guarded that I lose my ability to be vulnerable and have trust issues with the guy (I should never feel like i have trust issues if I’m with someone who truly loves me). I would never settle for men who are not willing to commit, or second guess their commitments halfway through the relationship. I will never be with someone who has cheated, or are still in contact with their toxic exes. I would not be with someone overly religious. I would never be with someone who pressures me for more sex.

As for myself, I want to be more giving to the person who is deserving of it. I want us to plan for our goals and future together. I want to be more communicative even when the times are tough. I want to shower him with more loving words, little handmade gifts, acts of service to show that I’m thinking of him more. I want to be more appreciative of their presence and love, never to take them for granted. I want to spend more quality time with him, while doing my best to balance my work well and not unload shit on him too much.

3. Have I been realistic in my expectations?

I realised that by being attached to someone, I tend to let my expectations go down without even realising, as I think my needs are not as important for now. For example, I would prefer to rent a house together and have a chat on how we can align our life goals together, our financial goals. If marriage is on the line, sure I am open to it. I would prefer to have pets over children anyday as well. I am also willing to move out to anywhere, like a bonnie and clyde do or die moment together. Our lives didn’t have to be stable exactly, I just needed a stable person that can do life with me even with all the crazy unexpected adventures ahead.

In hindsight, my ex was suddenly unwilling to do all of that with me. He gave me excuses like him still finding a job and not thinking of the future, and later just outrightly admitted that he didn’t want a lifestyle like that. And here I was, being naive enough to accept his words, thinking that we can talk about this again in the future, when his career is more stable bla bla bla. And in the end, that caused us to break up.

I would say at my age, my expectations are pretty reasonable, its everything a long-term couple would have to face eventually. It just too bad I’ve been dating people who seem to have commitment issues or “cannot give me what I want”. But what I want is pretty ordinary in any healthy relationship,.........

4. Would I date me?

I would say yes, I think knowing myself, I am a more fun person who can live a life free of guilty conscience. I am not exactly a morally bad person I think? I think I am a mentally strong person despite all of life shits thrown at me, and I am a committed person once I think I am the person for me. Just look at me in my previous relationships, trying to stick by the people I thought who loved me until they told me they couldn’t. Also, my looks ain’t that bad if I take care of myself well

Of course, there’s some aspects of me that may not be dateable. For example, I’m messy, disorganised, overly emotional at times. I may be passive at times as well. I am not exactly the kindest person as well, I take more than I give. Oh well, no one is perfect right?

5. Who was he really?

Wow... a miserable, narcissistic, cynical and all round horrible person. I might be biased because he cheated of me and broke my heart, but I really never expected him to be this heartless. To be asking me “Why are you so upset since its not your fault”?/?? Like hello are you dense or stupid or just fucking ruthless? I am upset and heartbroken because I LOVED YOU. Yes, you warned me this is the kind of person you were, but yet I am so dumb to love you and accepted your flaws. I thought my love was enough for you. Oh well, at least when the next person tells me that, I would gladly fuck off next time, because who knows when they will use that against me. Thank you for showing your true colors again and again. I think I was just blinded because I accepted the fucked up person as you are. Fuck you, you miserable shithead and for telling me all these lies at the start of our relationship. fuck you for rushing into this, and pressuring me to date and have sex with you even though I had my reservations and I would have taken things slow. Fuck, typing this out just made me realise how much I gave in to you. And that makes me sad because I comprimised so many of my beliefs just to get together with you. You really did make me feel like a fool in the end, fuck you.

6. What is my limiting belief?

Living in this city can be such a lonely thing. When I was single, I let myself do situationships and FWBs and hook-ups, but all these just served to make me feel empty in the end. I thought I could be happy on my own, but thinking about it now, I had the help of many passing men in my life to distract things. Now that I’m not about that lifestyle anymore, it really does make me feel small and empty and lonely here. I guess my limiting belief would be that no matter how hard I try to want to be okay with being alone, I am still scared that I would actually end up alone, even though being alone may not be such a bad thing.

My limiting belief is also that I think I might never be able to find someone who 100% compliments me. Idk why that scares me so much and its such a sad thought, which is why I tend to settle and comprimise for people who may not be so good to me. Will I be able to find someone that aligns with my life goals, while being able to understand and connect to me? Whoever you are, I hope I can find you someday.

7. What are my plans for me?

It does seem tempting to jump back to dating apps in hopes to find someone again, but I know that is not going to help in the long run. I guess i have to use the next couple of months to really re-evaluate my life and what I want next. Perhaps it is to focus on my career while learning how to manage the hectic-ness that comes ahead, and to form healthy habits like exercise and regular therapy to improve on my well-being. I also want to take the time to connect with my friends and meet new ones again, they have been so helpful to me, being there for me at my worst when I felt like this pain was just too much to bear. I realise now I do have a very good group of friends, and I want to be there for them even if I get into another relationship.

It kinda sucks having to go through this process of breakup again, not going to lie, but I want to take the time to have a clean slate of mind before jumping back to the dating game. and this time, I am not playing any games or taking shit from people who don’t matter. I want to learn how to respect myself enough to walk away from shitty people and situations, I want to learn how to protect my heart better, I want to be a better person for me. I want to love myself more so I can eventually love someone else just as much as I love me. And if that someone never comes? I want to learn to truly accept being on my own. I thought I had that nailed down previously but I guess some lessons need to be re-learnt again.

If time goes well, I should be able to date again in a few months. I dont really think I have to take many months again to see if Im ok with a relationship again. Because I know its something I want to pursue at this point, and this process may take a long time anyway. So in the meantime, I will just learn how to take everything with a pinch of salt while I put myself out there again.

I am proud of myself for trying to take the healthy way out and trying to heal healthily from this, even though this path feels so lonely at times. But I have to do it for me...

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seventeen-scenarios-blog · 6 years

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To Admin Hoshit: Santa’s Helper (G)

Pairing: Admin Hoshit x Soonyoung Request: “tbh write anything as long as it ends well and no one dies” + “longish fic?? if possible???” Word Count: 2,843 Genre: Crack Warnings: Don’t do drugs, kids

A/N: Lmao I had a lot of fun writing this for you. Sorry it took so long. But Merry Christmas Hoshit, hope you enjoy this piece of nonsense lolololol I think it’s pretty obvious who I am at this point tbh, but have fun guessing, lovelies!

“I’m sorry, I don’t think I can do this anymore… I’m leaving you.”

“W-what? But we were doing fine all along! Why are you bringing this up all of a sudden?”

“I don’t know, I’m just not feeling it anymore, okay? Look, it was really fun and exciting when we first started out, but right now, the feeling’s fizzed out. I’m hella tired of this. We have to go our separate ways from now on.”

“You can’t just leave me alone after all that we’ve been through together! There’s still so much we’ve not done!” You stand up, rage filling every vein of your body. “NAKAMOTO YUTA, GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!”

“THIS IS SO NOT WORTH SIX DOLLARS AN HOUR!” The man snaps his head around towards you. He slams the roll of tape down on the table, throwing his hands towards the pile of neatly gift-wrapped boxes. “I’ve been at it for ages now, and I’m already considered a saint for staying back a whole hour past my shift to help you! Let me go home to rest, damn it!”

“We’ve agreed to sign up for this winter job together!” you yell back, “You can’t ditch me now!”

“You’re the dumb one who signed your entire life away to this job so that you can buy your dumb merchandise,” Yuta remarks snarkily, ignoring the offended scoff you send his way. “Anyway, I’m out. Girl, I love you, but there’s only so much gift-wrapping I can handle before I turn completely insane.”

“The moment you walk out of this gingerbread house, you’re dead to me, Nakamoto.”

“Been dead since Day 1, babe.” And Yuta leaves with a sassy final wave goodbye, whipping off his reindeer headband and tossing it into the bin. “Have fun dealing with the kids.”

You let out a resigned puff of air to blow your bangs out of your face. Your only friend on this job is gone, and now you have to spend the rest of your 10 hour shift with either a total stranger or… that guy.

You stand up, stumbling a little after being seated on a god-forsaken kiddy stool, and made your way towards the record sheet containing the names of the part-timers pinned on the wall. The way your name occupied a large area of the excel sheet made you wince.

It had sounded so easy on the advertising site: wear a silly costume, give out complimentary gifts to children that attend the Santa Meet-&-Greet event at the mall. You sold your soul to the devil without thinking twice. But no, this job has taken a significant chunk of your sanity. Between the Meet-&-Greet intervals, you had to wrap an endless pile of gifts for the endless number of children. On more than one occasion, you had to stay behind to hit your quota, returning home when it’s almost midnight.

But then again, with the exorbitant amount of albums and merchandise of your favourite band you have yet to get your hands on, overtime pay is good.

Your name was under the ‘Santa’s Helpers’ list; every ‘Santa’s Helper’ would be paired up with a ‘Reindeer’ for each shift. You had thought it was a lot less embarrassing walking around in public in an elf’s costume compared to a reindeer’s -- you thought wrong. It’s tight, it’s itchy, the ringing of the silver bell adorning the tip of your hat had annoyed you two hours into your first day you snipped it off without hesitation. All the “reindeers” had to do is wear a damn onesie with cute reindeer horn headbands to match.

Anyway.

Your eyes scan through the ‘Reindeer’ list for the partner you’d be tied down to for the rest of the day. Yuta’s name is aligned with yours up till 5PM, and the person underneath Yuta is… Kwon S-- Jesus Christ.

You tilt your head back with a sardonic, almost maniacal grin. Your day is just going splendidly, isn’t it?

“The kids will be coming in 10 minutes, please be on standby…” the manager’s voice trails off as she only registers one other presence in the gingerbread house. “Where’s the reindeer?”

“HERE!”

A breathless wheeze, followed by a series of thundering footsteps cause the both of you to jump as Devil’s Spawn himself bursts through the fragile styrofoam doors. “Sorry, there was a line at the washroom, I couldn’t change until just about a minute ago…”

Both you and your manager scanned the boy’s bedraggled appearance simultaneously: his purple hair was frizzled and stuck out in all directions imaginable, his cheeks are shining with a sheen of perspiration, and apparently he hadn’t learnt how to button his clothes properly as a child.

Your manager tuts and waves him away, “Elf, you have 10 minutes to make this reindeer remotely presentable to the public. I have other matters to attend to.” With that, she whisks herself out of sight.

Soonyoung tilts his head, confused, until he lays his eyes on you. Then, his already small eyes narrow into hostile slits. “Oh, hello brat.”

“Tool,” you retort cooly, stepping up to fix Soonyoung’s mismatched buttons. “I thought you’re supposed to be a reindeer, not the grandma that got run over by one.”

“Hohoho, you’re hilarious,” he drawls mockingly in a high tone, slapping your hands away. “I can fix those buttons myself, thanks. And pass me one of the headbands from the bin, I left mine at home.” Rolling your eyes in disbelief, you proceed to fish out Yuta’s abandoned reindeer headband and throw it to the male.

“It’s Yuta’s, so I’m not sure it’ll go over that fat head of yours. I reckon you give it a try.”

“Meanie,” he mutters, grabbing it and fastening it over his head.

“Album wrecker.”

“Salty brat!”

“Son of a--”

“Mommy, look! A reindeer and a gremlin!” You both instantaneously abandon your banter to slap grins on your faces as a chubby kid waddles into the gingerbread house. Looks like your evening shift started early. Soonyoung bursts into a fit of laughter at the boy’s words. You curl your hands into fists in chagrin, forcing yourself to maintain the smile.

“The last time I checked, reindeers. Can’t. Laugh.” You discreetly but painfully jab him in the ribs before approaching the child, ignoring the pained yelp he lets out in response. “You’re done meeting Santa, kid? I’m one of Santa’s elves and I live here in this gingerbread house! Can I interest you in a free toy from under the tree?”

Against all odds, you manage to upkeep your professionalism throughout your shift, though you can’t help but let out a crotchety remark or two.

“Don’t go too close to that reindeer over there,” you’d say, one hand cupping your mouth while the other made pointed gestures over to Soonyoung, “I heard it eats children for breakfast.” Looking back, you wished you reserved that comment for someone more impressionable. The bespectacled twelve-year-old had stared back at you with an eyebrow raised, completely unimpressed.

Completely spent, you abandon your uncomfortable post on the kiddy stool to crashland on the carpeted floor with a satisfied groan. That’s 11 out of 12 days of Christmas down. Only one more day in this stinking job and you’re free for the rest of the holidays.

“God…” Soonyoung sighs, shedding off his thick reindeer onesie to reveal a white tank top that has been turned translucent with his sweat. “If I had to sing Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer one more damn time, I would have ran myself over with a sleigh.”

Normally this would result in a comment about him being weak from you, but this time, you are distracted by how his muscles stand out from under the thin material of his clothes. As insufferable as this guy can be, he sure does know how to have a good body-- wait, snap out of it, damn it!

“Oh, good! You are still here!” a sing-song voice cuts through your unholy thoughts as your manager enters the gingerbread house with paper bags lined with grease. “I got the both of you dinner. It’s a job well done today as usual!”

Both you and Soonyoung exchange suspicious glances. Free food and a chirpy attitude to boot? Those are two things you’d never associate with your boss.

“What do you want us to do?” Thankfully, Soonyoung lacked the tact and asked the question you were afraid of. At once, your manager drops her cheery facade with a nervous laugh. “I’m afraid I’ll have to buy a couple more hours of your time… See, an orphanage just called in to say that they will be dropping their kids down tomorrow at 8AM to visit Santa so that’s a hundred children’s worth of gifts to wrap and prepare by then…”

“A HUNDRED?!”

“But you don’t mind, do you?” She blinks sweetly at your direction. “I know this is last minute, but I’m sure the overtime pay will be enough to cover the costs of your guinea pig’s operation, right? That’s what you mentioned during our job interview?”

Behind you, Soonyoung can barely retain his snort of disbelief. “Guinea pig, huh? Is that what they call K-pop albums nowadays?” he guffaws just loud enough for you to hear, and you reward him with a merciless stomp on his big toe while never letting go of that faux angelic smile of yours.

“Sure, ma'am… But uh, my overtime pay will still be one-and-a-half times that of my average, right?”

“But of course! And you’ll have Reindeer over here to help you, so I’m sure you’d be done in no time!”

“I’ll be what now?” Soonyoung gapes dumbly.

“Great, I knew that I can count on you two! See you tomorrow~!” she merrily waves in farewell, making way for two toy store clerks lugging sacks-full of toys. The thin material of the sack rips, and a mountain of toys barrel out, leaving you and Soonyoung stunned.

But in retrospect, the sack is still holding on better compared to your little tether of sanity.

Soonyoung exasperatedly rubs his nape, carefully dragging the sack towards your work table. “Well, let’s just get this over and done with.”

He reaches over to the roll of wrapping paper, but stops short with a jump when you slam your hands atop of his. “Nuh-uh, there’s absolutely no way I’m trusting you with these.”

“What? Why not?”

“You’re going to ruin them with your sub-par fine motor skills and subsequently crush the dreams of a hundred little kids.” You let out a feral hiss, scrabbling at the wrapping papers, scissors and tape towards your bosom protectively. Soonyoung looks beyond peeved.

“I will not!” he cries. “My fine motor skills are, as they call it, FINE!”

He hazards an attempt to slide a pair of scissors out from under your arm, but you lunge out, snapping your teeth at his fingers and he withdraws, visibly intimidated. “What’s wrong with you, woman?” he yelps, obviously offended.

“YOU STEPPED ON MY ALBUM AND TORE IT WITH YOUR STINKING FEET FIRST DAY ON THE FIRST DAY WE MET, AND TRIED FIXING IT WITH POORLY CUT DUCT TAPE. THAT’S WHAT’S WRONG!” you screech. “HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO BE ALL CHUMMY WITH YOU AFTER THAT?! HOW DO PEOPLE TRUST YOU TO GO OUTSIDE UNSUPERVISED, YOU MONSTER?!”

“Look, that was just that one time!” he cries in defense, ignoring a woman’s concerned glance into the gingerbread house. “And don’t you have like, twenty of the same damn album? If I’d known you’d still be this hung up about it after 2 months I could have just bought you a new one!”

“How dare you, every single one of my albums are unique and precious and--” your eyes snap wide open when you register his previous words. “Did you say you’d buy me a new album?”

To your surprise and delight, Soonyoung shrugs. “I mean why not, these things can’t be that expensive, right?”

You beg to differ, but then you consider the fact that Soonyoung (lord knows how) is a lot more well off than you are as a freelance dancer. You abandon the lingering doubt to slap on what you hope is a face of a pleading puppy dog at the purple-haired male.

He audibly blanches. “Alright, let’s get to work now, can we? Good thing there isn’t anything in my stomach to hurl out, yeesh...” He tries once again to snatch the pair of scissors from your possession, but the icy glare you shoot at him makes his actions falter.

“You’re still hopeless at crafts, by the way,” you inform him, the image of your ruined album, hastily patched together with silver strips of adhesive with dog-eared pages here and there, surfacing in your mind. You can’t help but laugh at that ridiculous scenario. “Duct tape, really?”

“Oh shush, I panicked. At least let me feed you while you wrap, okay?”

You both reached an efficient compromise whereby you handle the wrapping while ever so often opening your mouth such that Soonyoung could slip a french fry between your lips, him munching on his own burger as well.

“Eat!” Soonyoung snaps when you refused the tenth fry. He’s realised by now that you had an awful habit of not eating whenever you’re too absorbed in something. “How are you going to wrap the presents for the kids well on an empty stomach?”

“Who cares about the kids,” you drone, your words coming out as more of a statement than a question.

Letting out a puff of air at his dark violet fringe, Soonyoung tries again. “How are you going to get your paycheck to buy more merchandise if you’re working on an empty stomach?”

“Ah,” you part your jaws and Soonyoung feeds you again with a resigned sigh. “Who knew you’d be this whipped for your favourite artiste?”

“Who didn’t?” you point out, throwing aside the finished toy car with reckless abandon.

“Yuta was complaining the other day that you barely have the time to hang out with him because you’ve chained yourself to this job. And for what, money for more merchandise and concert tickets?”

You hear the incredulity in his voice and you purse your lips. “Look, think whatever you want, but they make me happy. This world sucks and their music is a form of escapism for me. I’ll be willing to work day and night for the boys that make my life just that much brighter. Like it or not, they will pretty much occupy the majority of the space in my heart.”

You both fall silent while you catch your breath from that revelation. From the corner of your eye, you see Soonyoung shifting his eyes nervously. “Then… is there at least space for one more person in your life?”

The scissors in your hand slip and clatter onto the table noisily.

“I mean--” Soonyoung stutters, knowing how his words must have sounded like. “I want to make it up to you, you know. We started off on a bad note because of me, and I’d like it if we can have a do-over. Let’s go out for lunch or dinner sometime after this stinking job ends.”

Surprisingly, that sounded good to you, but there’s no way you’re letting him get the impression that you’re warming up to him this quickly. “Fine, I’ll see if I can squeeze you in.”

“Great!” His eyes, already tiny like the that of a hamster’s, light up like a child’s on a Christmas morning. “We’ll head on out for dinner after our shift tomorrow, then we’ll head on to the shop to get your new album, sounds good?”

Dammit, I like this kid already.

You nod, and you both resume work. At some point, you turned on your Spotify playlist to let Soonyoung get to know the kind of music you’re listening to, and he actually enjoys them. In return, he lets you listen to his favourite bands and musicians.

You even let him try his hand at wrapping a relatively simple box-shaped gift, only to grab it back in utter horror when he sticks the wrapping paper inside out.

You don’t know how long you’ve been going at it, but Soonyoung stiffens in fear when you both hear a resounding metallic click from a few metres away.

“W-was that the mall custodian locking up?” he whimpers, but he turns befuddled when he sees you looking completely nonchalant.

“Yeah, the mall closes at eleven, the doors will open again at seven in the morning.”

At this point, Soonyoung can’t even begin to feel surprise anymore. “How many times have you been locked in here because of work?”

“Eh, thrice counting this.”

“God, you’re hopeless.”

“But this means we’ll be first in line to grab some drinks at Starbucks tomorrow. We can have our date then. You in, kid?”

And Soonyoung actually laughs, whether it is out of amusement or of sheer despair, you can’t really tell.

“Oh geez, what have I gotten myself into…”

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blankasolun · 4 years

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It is the 10th anniversary of Ronnie James Dio’s death today so I am posting this article from Metal Hammer. Expect more Ronnie related articles next week.

Ronnie James Dio: A Life In Metal

By Malcolm Dome (Metal Hammer) March 03, 2014

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In 2014, Metal Hammer celebrated the released of tribute album Dio: This Is Your Life by looking back at the man’s inspirational career

Ronnie James Dio is more than an icon. He is among the most articulate and exhaustive representatives the metal community has ever had. See, even now, some four years after his death, you still think of the man in the present tense. A measure of his continuing impact.

“If you wanted to introduce aliens to what metal stands for, then you’d pick Ronnie as the man to convince them it’s got a lot going for it,” said the late Deep Purple keyboard master Jon Lord. And it’s hard to argue with that sentiment.

Born in New Hampshire to parents of Italian descent, Ronald Padavona listened to a lot of opera when growing up, but it was in 1957 that he got the rock’n’roll bug and formed his first band, the Vegas Kings. He was a bassist at the time, but quickly switched to vocals, as he strived to find the right style to suit his voice.

His first official single, with the band that started to make his name, The Red Caps, was released in 1958. Titled Conquest, it arrived at a time when Elvis Presley, Dean Martin and Chuck Berry still ruled the charts.

“I got into rock’n’roll through the radio,” Dio would recall in 1988. “It was an escape from reality, but like so many others, it inspired me to try my luck in a band.”

By 1960, he’d changed his name to Ronnie Dio – allegedly inspired by the Italian-American gangster Johnny Dio – but despite releasing a succession of singles under different band names, nothing appeared to be working for the young singer.

“I always knew something was wrong,” he later admitted. “But when Elf arrived, I found my home in heavy music.”

Originally formed as The Electric Elves in 1967, the band became Elf in 1972 when they released their first album. Self-titled, it was produced by Deep Purple bassist Roger Glover, and drummer Ian Paice, and kickstarted Dio’s journey into heavy metal history.

“You knew that while the band were good, it was Ronnie who was outstanding,” Roger recalled with admiration years later. “Elf were doing a lot of touring opening up for Deep Purple in the States, and they were getting bigger. It appeared this lot would be the next big thing out of America.”

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Sadly, that wasn’t to be the case; they recorded just two more albums, including the celebrated 1975 Trying To Burn The Sun, before Ritchie Blackmore took a major hand in the future of Dio’s career.

“We were on tour, when on a day off Ritchie’s guitar tech knocked on my hotel room door,” recalled Dio. “He said the man would like me to sing on a track he was gonna record away from Purple.”

The song in question was Black Sheep Of The Family, a cover version that Ritchie had failed to convince the rest of Purple to go along with. But what was intended as a one-off session with Dio and the rest of Elf (inevitably minus guitarist Steve Edwards) would ultimately turn into Rainbow. There was an obvious magic here from the start. Dio and Ritchie, together with a revolving cast of huge talents, worked on three studio albums and one live release. And it was 1976’s Rising, the band’s second offering, that proved the first of a number of true classics to feature the great vocalist’s name.

“I knew we had something special at the time,”

Dio said 10 years later. “But did I know it would stand up? You hoped that would be the case, however you can only see this retrospectively. I’m grateful so many people rate the album.”

However, Ritchie Blackmore’s steady drift towards a more commercial approach was at odds with Dio’s own penchant for a more romantic, gothic style of lyrical imagery.

“I love writing about fantasy,” Dio mused. “To me, this reflects the epic quality of our music. While there is a place for realism, it doesn’t allow me as much scope for allegory as I can get through my accepted style.”

Things came to a head after the recording of 1978’s Long Live Rock ’N’ Roll album. Itself successful, this only fuelled Ritchie’s desire to streamline the band.

“We just agreed to differ,” Dio remembers, while keyboard player Don Airey (who had just been brought into the lineup) has a vivid memory of his first day in rehearsal:

“I walked in as Ronnie was walking out. When I asked what had happened, I was told ‘He’s just quit the band.’ I was so looking forward to working with him, but it wasn’t to be.”

Over the subsequent years, Dio remained diplomatic about his relationship with the guitarist who gave him his big break:

“I have nothing but the highest respect for him, and if the chance came to work with Ritchie again,then I’d be delighted. My door is always open.”

The end of his tenure with Rainbow brought a fresh challenge for Ronnie Dio, who had now firmly established himself as one of the great singers on the heavy rock scene. Black Sabbath were floundering after firing Ozzy, but a chance meeting with Tony Iommi in late 1979 at the conveniently named Rainbow Bar And Grill in West Hollywood altered Ronnie’s life. He was asked to join Sabbath. And we all know what followed.

“None of us had any money,” Dio said of those early Sabbath days. “But what we did have was a real belief. I know what I can do, and was convinced I could help to take Sabbath in a different direction. The other guys were on the same wavelength.”

“We wrote Children Of The Sea on the first day, and it flowed from there,” laughed a still-amazed Tony several years later. “Ronnie was exactly what we needed.”

Heaven And Hell was released in 1980 and has since become, quite rightly, regarded as amongst the greatest metal albums of all time. A year later, the heavier Mob Rules proved this was no flash in the pan. By this time, Dio had made another bit of metal history by trademarking the devil’s horns gesture, which has since become the signature sign of metalheads across generations.

“Ozzy used the peace sign, so I wanted something different,” recalled Dio. “I remember my grandmother used this sign to ward off evil; I thought it would work in the context of Sabbath. But I had no idea it would catch on.”

But, following the release of Live Evil in 82, Dio left the band because of interminable arguments appearing during certain production cycles.“It was a misunderstanding,” Tony has said since.

“The studio engineer was telling us that Ronnie would come in and turn up his vocals when we weren’t there. And he told Ronnie that Geezer Butler and I were turning up our instruments in his absence. The result was confusion and anger.”

“I got a call from Geezer, who told me I was sacked,” admitted Dio. “But in a way that was so positive, because it meant I was free at last to do things my way.”

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However, the new band was starting from ground zero, as Dio revealed later on.

“I wasn’t even thinking about doing anything outside of Black Sabbath, until I got the call from Geezer,” revealed Ronnie. “I certainly wasn’t holding back any songs from the band, that’s not my way. So, when Vinny Appice [drums] and I got together, I quickly wrote two songs – Holy Diver and Don’t Talk To Strangers.”

Not a bad start. With bassist Jimmy Bain and then unknown guitarist Vivian Campbell completing the line-up, the band took the name of Dio.

“It wasn’t an ego thing on my part,” insisted the frontman. “I had a certain reputation, and it just made sense.”

Holy Diver came out in 1983 and made a huge impact in the UK and the States, where Dio’s stature with Rainbow and Sabbath stood him in good stead. This was the third iconic album he had blessed in a mere smattering of years, and his reputation grew steadily as 1984’s The Last In Line and 85’s Sacred Heart cemented Dio’s place as one of the elite hard rock bands on the planet. Ronnie even found time to put together the Hear ’n Aid project to raise funds through the metal community for the starving in Africa. While such endeavours were testament to the man’s character, it was his band that remained his chief focus over the following decade or so, with Dio’s lineup shifting a few times to keep the band’s creative output fresh and interesting.

In 1992, Dio returned to the Sabbath fold for the Dehumanizer album, as the band showed they had the rigour and vision to update their sound without losing their innate place in history. However, while the album was well-received, Dio’s reunion with his Sabbath chums came crashing down when the band agreed to support Ozzy at the Costa Mesa Amphitheater in California later the same year.

“I have no problem with Ozzy,” Dio remarked at the time. “But I just feel that it’s beneath a band of this stature to support their former singer. It shows a lack of self-respect, and I wouldn’t be part of this.”

Sabbath did the set with Rob Halford on vocals, and the reunion was back in the dumper. As for Dio, he returned to his own band, putting together a new line-up which was altogether more rooted in the realism of the era.

“It was a different Dio at that time,” insists keyboardist Scott Warren. “It was cool. And intense. It was the 1990s. Things had changed I remember thinking, ‘This is biker music.’”

“Every night, Ronnie would come up to each of us individually and say, ‘Have a good gig’,” sighs bassist Jeff Pilson. “That was the measure of the man. He cared about people, and wanted you to feel part of everything. I don’t think I have ever had so much fun working with anyone. Each night was a pleasure.”

Dio continued to enjoy a lengthy stint with his main band, with five studios albums released to generally positive acclaim between 1993-2004. After that, however, there was to be yet another twist in the tale, when Dio regrouped with Tony Iommi and Geezer Butler, together with Vinny Appice (who had been a part of the Dio-era Sabbath line-ups, as well as a crucial member of Dio’s solo band). They avoided any diplomatic fallout with the Ozzy camp by taking the name Heaven & Hell, touring to huge acclaim and releasing the album The Devil You Know in 2009 to overwhelmingly positive reviews. But it was all stopped in its tracks when Ronnie was diagnosed with stomach cancer in late 2009. Tragically, despite all the hopes and prayers around the world, Ronnie James Dio passed away on May 16, 2010. The tears and tributes to him at the High Voltage Festival two months later in London underlined what a massive loss he was to the metal community, and how much he was loved by hundreds of thousands of fans across generations and continents.

“Ronnie Dio can’t be replaced,” Anthrax’s Scott Ian said shortly after he died. “He was unique. As long as Ronnie’s music is played, he’ll be in our minds.”

Now, some of the greatest names in metal are paying homage to the man, and in doing so raising funds for the Stand Up & Shout Cancer Trust, set up in his memory. From Metallica to Anthrax, Motörhead to the Scorpions, and Halestorm to Killswitch Engage, there are a plethora of major metal mavens who’ve lent their considerable talents to make this album come to fruition. They perform songs from Rainbow, Black Sabbath and Dio, yet again emphasising the insurmountable debt we all owe this most treasured and unique of metal singers.

And while he may have been born in Portsmouth, New Hampshire, his heart was certainly won over by metal’s homeland.

“Ronnie loved the English way of life,” opined Tony Iommi in 2010 of the man’s penchant for his would-be adopted country. “He enjoyed a beer and a curry, and even took things so far as to have his house in LA built like a castle!”

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Above all else, though, and as loved as he was across every country his music touched, Ronnie James Dio himself always knew his worth. “I never underestimate my talent,” he said during one of the last interviews he gave before his death. “But nor do I overestimate it. I believe if you get that balance right, then you’ll have a healthy perspective on your place in music.”

At the time, Dio hinted that he could see an end to his performing days, but not to his involvement in music. When it was suggested to him that he might retire if he dropped even a small distance from his exacting standards, even if nobody else could detect it, he responded:

“Maybe there is some truth in there. I would never like to be one of those singers who carries on long past the point at which they can deliver. It’s a shame when a legend is diminished, and while I would never put myself into the category of ‘legend’, I can’t ever see myself disappointing fans who have paid good money.

“But the one thing I will never lose is my love of music. I still enjoy coming across young talent, and helping to guide them if I can.”

The breadth and depth of the classic songs on Dio:This Is Your Life proves that, more than anything else, Ronnie Dio’s life is defined by the music he has left us. And that’s an enduring epitaph.

This was published in Metal Hammer issue 255.

ROCK ‘N ROLL CHILDREN

COREY TAYLOR

“I heard that they were putting together this tribute album and they were trying to get hold of me and I was like, ‘Dude, I have to be on that record!’. When it looked like it was going to be difficult to get either of my bands together to do it, I was just like, ‘Fuck it’ and I put a band together myself, just me and some of my buds. I was that desperate to be involved. I was lucky enough to meet Ronnie on a few occasions, in fact I can remember the first time… It was at an awards ceremony and we were both nominated for the best vocalist award, which, to me, was an honour just to be in the same category as him. He won and I was so stoked, then I was being interviewed later on and he walks in to say ‘Hi.’ If you watch the video you can see on my face I’m just totally awestruck by the guy. The thing that most impressed me about Ronnie onstage was that he just made it look so effortless, so natural. The Dio era was my favourite time of his because it’s when he stepped out on his own. He wasn’t a member of Rainbow or Sabbath, he was just Ronnie. The guy’s a legend.”

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DORO

“I first saw Dio in 85 or 86. I didn’t meet him then, but it was the first time that I saw him. I went to his show somewhere in Germany, and we were standing on the sound desk, because I’m small! I tell you, I haven’t had this kind of experience before or after. I got chills, I couldn’t stand up, it was unbelievable. The sound blew me away, and really, I was so fascinated. I thought it was the greatest, most mindblowing thing I have ever seen. I was deeply, deeply impressed. I met Ronnie later on tour in 87 – he was playing pool, and we talked and he said, ‘We’re so happy you’re on tour with us. If there’s ever a problem, don’t go to the manager, don’t go to the tour manager, don’t go to my assistant. Just come straight to me.’ He was always very kind and lovely. We developed a great friendship.”

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GLENN HUGHES

“Ronnie was a human being who had time for all people – those he worked with and his family. But more importantly, he devoted a lot of his aftershow time to his fans, and would listen to them tell their stories of how their lives had been touched by his work, and he never, ever forgot a fan’s name. He was an amazing one-of-a-kind artist, who gave his love and life and art to the heavy metal genre. I first met Ronnie in the fall of 1973, when he fronted his upstate New York Band, Elf. They were opening for my band at the time, Deep Purple. I remember being backstage when Elf started playing, and I heard this thunderous super-lung voice echoing around the arena, so I went onto the stage to see and hear what was calling me. I was immediately turned on to something, someone, who I had not heard before, and that was a thrill for me. He was a master at his craft and soon, before our eyes, he would become heavy metal’s greatest vocalist. Ronnie was so believable in his realm, singing of dragons, dark lords and distant oceans that carried us all away. We knew we were not alone, because Ronnie was our formidable rider in the eye of the sky, who would lead us back to our safe land. Ronnie, my brother, I want to thank you for all the hours, days and years that we spent together, and on behalf of your loving fans – we believed we’d catch the Rainbow… See you again, dear heart.”

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WENDY DIO

“I’m so pleased with how this album came out, everyone involved has just been a pleasure to work with. I know Ronnie would have been so humbled and so proud with these incredible artists paying homage to him. When you have Metallica saying ‘We can’t pick one song – we have to do a medley of four!’… well, he’d have been honoured. I’ve so many wonderful memories of Ronnie, we had 30-plus years together and we were so happy. It’s hard to pick out one specific memory, but the early days when he was starting out was an exciting time and he was so happy to get back together with Sabbath and rebuild those bridges at the end of his life. That was fitting. I think people loved Ronnie because they could relate to him, he never changed, he stood for what he believed in and never wanted to let people down. He was always delighted to speak to his fans, as I said, he was a humble man, a genuine man. He always gave everything, even towards the end when he was suffering with these stomach pains, which he thought was just indigestion, he never gave less than everything he had. I just hope this album raises a lot of money for cancer research and carries on the memory of Ronnie and keeps his legacy alive.”

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The 10th Anniversary of Ronnie’s Death It is the 10th anniversary of Ronnie James Dio’s death today so I am posting this…

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pauldeckerus · 6 years

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How I Got Better at Photography

Two years ago, I splurged some money and bought a camera because I’d always wanted to try to take pictures of the stars. The left photo above was the only decent picture out of 700 taken on my first clueless attempt. The right photo was taken about 2 weeks ago. Don’t let your dreams be dreams.

I can distinctly remember the first time a camera was put into my hands. It was the wedding of one of my oldest cousins, and I was 10 or 11 years old. A family friend was the photographer, and he must have noticed me walking around bored and clueless, because he took one of his SLRs, put it in my hand with a full roll of film, and told me to help him take pictures.

None of the photos turned out. I was a kid and I had no idea what I was doing, but 15 years later, that moment is still crystal clear in my memory. It spurred me into action, asking for digital cameras for my subsequent birthdays (my first was a 3.2MP point-and-shoot), saving up my lawnmowing money all summer to buy a 512MB Compact Flash memory card, and messing around with the old Pentax K1000 that had been collecting dust in my dad’s closet — whenever I could afford film and processing, that is.

Unfortunately, somewhere between working two jobs, trying to succeed in high school, beginning college, and spending 2 years abroad in Eastern Europe, I simply lacked the time, money, and know-how to pursue photography beyond the capabilities of my cell phone, and my interest in photography faded.

There was, however, always a shade of desire. I remember being jealous of friends who owned big, hefty, DSLRs. I was green with envy when my mom decided to buy my dad a Nikon D3200 for his birthday. I stole it often to take pictures and it didn’t take long before I knew more about it than he did. My time to own a DSLR came when I accepted an internship at a local art museum that needed me to act as an event photographer and videographer. I purchased a Nikon D3300 with a kit lens and a $20 tripod and immediately got to photographing everything in sight.

Those first couple of months, I tried to take pictures every day. I didn’t always succeed, but it taught me to be constantly looking for compelling subject matters. Growing up in the heart of Utah, landscape photography was a natural fit: there are canyons every 30 feet (it seems), 5 National Parks, a variety of National Monuments, and more to do than anyone could in a lifetime.

I spent much of my time hiking on the weekends and I had a close friend with whom I’d take road trips every year. Glacier or Banff, the Grand Canyon or California, wherever sounded most exciting. Landscape photography, as I often say, meant simply doing what I already did — but bringing back evidence.

Photo upon completion of a 11 hour, 26 mile overnight trip from the north rim to the south rim of the Grand Canyon

On the summit of Fairview Peak, Banff National Park, Canada

From the get-go, I also had a strong desire to take pictures of the stars. Humans have always had this primordial fascination with the stars, and I’ve always felt that strongly. Many a summer night growing up was spent on my rooftop watching the sky shift from sunset to blue hour to suburban starscape. For that reason, the stars seemed a natural subject as well, and I can vividly remember my first attempt at capturing them.

My friend and I hiked a steep trail to a lake on the night of a full moon. It was nearly dark by the time we arrived at the destination, but the area was beautifully lit. I moseyed over to the far side of the lake, set up my tripod and camera and spent the better part of an hour troubleshooting. Simple photographic concepts — focus, aperture, exposure — became less intuitive at night. I guessed at settings, wrote them down, made slight adjustments, and tried again. 700 terrible photos and a few hours later, we made the long trek back down to our car, trail poorly lit by cell phone flashlight.

One of 700. My first night of astrophotography.

The whole night, the best photo I had managed to produce featured brightly illuminated cliffs and a few faint stars. My expectations for what I would be able to do were extremely high and I’d certainly fallen short, but at the end of the day, I was thrilled I could see stars at all. I went out the next night and the next night and the next night, always to different locations, getting more and more excited with each photograph that got closer to representing the vision I had for what my photography could be.

My first successful image of the milky way over Mount Timpanogos, battling Utah Valley light pollution

Coping with the stars and light pollution from the Salt Lake Valley. Somewhere in Utah’s west desert.

The follow-up to those feelings could only be described as an obsession. I was getting distracted at work because I was googling articles about night photography. I signed up for a dozen newsletters on various websites with tips and tricks. I began researching gear the second I realized that, well, an entry-level camera and a kit lens weren’t going to cut it. I thought I knew cameras because I understood the basic concepts of ISO, aperture, and exposure and (more-or-less) how they worked together in the daytime, but I purchased books that taught me to understand their effects and use them beyond simply to manipulate light.

I learned what a crop-sensor was and immediately ached for a full-frame camera, I began to study the construction of and limitations of lenses and I immediately began researching which lenses I needed to buy in order to increase the quality of my work. I read articles about low-light performance in various cameras, I read about sensor technology, I bought Photoshop and Lightroom and began to watch YouTube tutorials about Milky Way post-processing techniques. Star tracking and median stacking and focal blending were terms of which I had never heard, but with time, I began to understand and apply them.

A lucky alignment over Monument Valley, Utah

Under Owachomo Natural Bridge, Natural Bridges National Monument, Utah

Just as importantly, I learned how to compose an image. I bought a couple books that helped me understand the theory, but trial-and-error was the real teacher. As a trained Art Historian, I studied the likes of Ansel Adams, Eadweard Muybridge, and William Henry Jackson, even handling original prints of theirs, all the while trying to see through their eyes and understanding how to see the way that they saw.

Along those same lines, I studied the work of famous 19th-century romantic landscape painters like Thomas Cole and Albert Bierstadt, attempting to understand (and later replicate) what made their compositions compelling.

Stars creeping out during a backpacking trip in Coyote Gulch

Miraculously, throughout this entire multi-year process, I began to see improvement. And as I saw improvement, my interest waxed instead of waned. That first year I shot upwards of 100 GB worth of photographic data. The next year, it more than tripled.

It’s important to realize in retrospect that improvement is often slow-going and always requires a lot of sacrifice and diligence. Nothing says sacrifice quite like taking an hour-long nap and then having to crawl out of a warm sleeping bag to go wander through the desert all by yourself (machete in hand, in case any wild animals want to tussle).

During the week of the new moon in June 2018, I spent 6 out of 7 days camping, on average driving 4 hours round trip to a camping spot dark enough to photograph the skies. I spent 4 of those nights sleeping in the driver’s seat of my car while the wind howled outside. I returned home with only a few worthwhile images to process (Good ol’ Ansel said it best: “12 significant photographs in one year is a good crop.”) Besides that, each of those mornings, I drove 1-3 hours back home to work an 8-9 hour shift at my day job.

The results of a windy, miserable, lonely night of car-camping in Payson, Utah.

I rarely get paid for my photography, but exhaustion and lack of monetary payoff aside, I am in love with what I do. I never imagined I’d be to the point that people would want me to write about my experiences, that Reddit posts of my photography would hit the front page (41k upvotes and counting), or that strangers and friends would be asking me for advice — I’m just a guy who loves the world I live in and whose eyes shimmer like a little kid’s every time I look up at the night sky.

I still have a lot to learn and a lot to improve upon. I look forward to the future, but those formative moments as an innocent and naive student of photography will always be some of my favorites—when every shutter click was an uneasy step forward and I was always anxious to learn something new. I hope that that early spirit never leaves me.

I think often of the 10- or 11-year-old version of myself snapping wedding photos and wish I could watch him excitedly click away, but I feel lucky to be able to experience that same excitement every time I see the world through my own lens or look up and try to soak up the beauty of the sky.

Milky Way behind the Temple of the Sun, Capitol Reef National Park, Utah

Milky Way behind Delicate Arch, Arches National Park, Utah

About the author: Matthew Pockrus is a landscape photographer based in Utah and focusing on the American West. The opinions expressed in this article are solely those of the author. You can find more of Pockrus’ work on his website and Instagram.

from Photography News https://petapixel.com/2018/06/26/how-i-improved-as-a-photographer/

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marlaalcott · 7 years

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I'm going to make a post about OCD.

Let's start with some very very basic background story on my OCD. I have struggled with this illness for a long time. I can trace it back to as early as age 9/10. I have no recollection whether it existed beforehand, but even as a child I could recognize that I was doing things that didn't feel "normal" without rationalized/logical explanation. I felt overwhelming compulsions to carry out the actions.

In retrospect, the earliest symptoms that I can recall aligned with the period of my life that my brother was in a near fatal car accident (that's a whole other emotional post in itself). Irregular thoughts and actions for sure started at that point.

I don't know precisely what age this began, or if it existed before said car accident, but I also remember having hoarding tendencies for useless inanimate objects. I shared a bedroom with my brother, and in it we had these 2 dressers that were stacked on top of each other (we didn't have a lot of space). The open area/gap that existed between the dressers became a storage place for me. I used to put a lot of stuff in there. Most of it was useless crap. For example: I remember saving wrappers from Spice Girl bubblegum and lollipops.

There was also a time in my early teens that I used to save transit tickets. I legit was able to pick up any given transfer, look at the time and date, and remember exactly where I went and who I was with. They held sentiment and served as keepsakes.

Fast forward through my mid teenage years. I seemed to have fought off my illness for the most part during this period. By the time I met my life partner in my late teens, he described my outwardly strange actions as nothing more than "quirks". Yes. He agreed that some of the stuff I did seemed strange, but not outright crazy.

In my early 20's I had a full on OCD crash. The illness litterally consumed my entire existence. The 2 people who were closest to me watched and stood by as my sanity crumbled like the Roman Empire. I was lost. I was a shell of myself. It was rock bottom at that point in my life. My own personal hell. Something I would never wish on anyone. I strongly believe this was also the catalyst for the demise of my romantic relationship. My illness drove away the one person I loved more than anyone or anything in the world. And that fucking sucks. (More on that another day!).

Anyways. Let's fast forward to the present. I have tried my best to keep it under wraps the best that I can since way back then. It comes and goes varying severity, but luckily it hasn't been anything nearly as bad as back then. I battle it every waking moment of my existence.

Now let's speed up to the past few days. An incident took place Monday night/into Tuesday, that I'm not OK with. I entered into it willingly. Nothing "wrong" happened per se, but fuck if I felt anything but wrong afterwards. Here's some more back story to my current life and the situation at hand. I have spent the past year and a half living in denial of my still existent love for my ex. He broke up with me last May, and we have had nothing short of a rocky road since. We are 2 puzzle pieces that no longer fit together (there will be numerous posts on the topic of my heartache in the future). Not too long after we split, I had a sexual encounter that I consider non consensual. I refuse to classify it as r*pe due to the intense ramifications of that definition, but what took place was certainly not OK. To say the least. (Side note, that guy is a douchebag). I didn't handle the aftermath of that incident well. I made an effort to seek the help that I needed, but it fell through due to horrible management who denied my request to go to hospital emergency (because y'know. My 4 hour shift in a part time retail environment was the most important thing in the world!). Ugh.

Time carried on, and I fought through each passing day with mounting hurt and emotional trauma that stemmed from the devastation of the loss of a marriage (essentially), and then the non consensual scenario. Somehow I've made it through the last year running from all of this fuckery.

Yesterday a snippet of the buried trauma came creeping back in. I turned to 4 of my close friends for consoling. It was needed. I gained 4 different insights to try and put the situation into perspective. At the end of the day the most important questions were "Why do I feel guilty?" "Why do I have so much anxiety?" "Why do I feel "icky/dirty"?" The shitty thing is that I couldn't answer any of these questions with any amount of definitive clarity.

I have learned a few things though: I am NOT ready for sexual relations with any new human beings. As it turns out, I value sex as more of a sacred and spiritual connectiveness act than I previously thought I did. My heart and body still metaphorically belong to someone else (even though in reality they are MINE). I also believe that I need to be in love and part of an established relationship before I can consider engaging in any sexual acts. I need a foundation.

I didn't get any sleep Monday night. (Half an hour in and out consciousness if I'm lucky). But fuck if my OCD didn't kick my ass. My primary struggles are "contamination" oriented, coupled with magical thinking (I'll make a separate post with a more in depth definition of magical thinking). When those 2 are combined, you get me as a result! And God damn it is hell on earth.

Here's what happened. And I don't expect anyone to understand any of this (unless you have OCD as well).

I came home and headed straight into my room (as I usually do) to remove my boots and socks. My dogs came to greet me and tried to give me kisses, but I denied said kisses because I didn't want "oral sex germs" on my babies. I headed into the shower, got out, and then continued to commence my usual after shower routine. Here's where shit started to hit the fan. I grabbed a cotton pad and sprayed my toner onto it to wipe my face, and BAM. Magical thinking contamination OCD brain kicked in! I thought to myself "I haven't brushed my teeth yet. The inside of my mouth is still contaminated. What if the cotton pad spread those still existent germs onto my clean face?". I tried to ignore my irrational concerns and carried on. I applied moisturizer and the rest of my face products, put hair product in my hair, deodorant on the pits, I peed, then I exited the bathroom and got dressed. When I was done all that I acquired my toothbrush and brought it back into the bathroom to brush my teeth. When I finished brushing, I broke down. I used hand soap to rewash my entire face, but I couldn't shake the feelings that my face was contaminated. So back into the shower I went! 2 showers. 2 FUCKING SHOWERS. FML. And when I got out the second time, I had a hard time believing that I even brushed my teeth to begin with (yay magical thinking brain for being able to convince myself of untruths!). I got through it all and went out to see a friend, but when I got home my anxiety was still fucked and I felt unsafe in my bed.

I got lots of MUCH NEEDED sleep, but I still felt "scared" of my bedding when I woke up. That fear did not diminish with the sleep. Remember how I said I took off my boots when I got home? Yeah. My "dirty" clothes touched my bedding. *Gasp*

I was supposed to see a couple of close friends today, but she had to cancel. So I succumbed to my OCD! I full spiraled. Like I did years ago. I legitimately felt my brain unraveling into that same insanity. I recognized this place. I have been there before. And my biggest fear is falling right off the rails again.

After I was cancelled on, I didn't know what to do with myself or my day. I was also emotionally worked up and anxious, because I had just looked at my exes Facebook page (this is a form of self harm for me. Seeing his public flirtations with his new love interest, is more than I can handle at this time in my life). So into the wash half of my bedding goes! And then I hopped back into the shower, sat down, and cried under the running hot water while asking higher powers to help me. All in all I have rewashed bedding that was already cleaned not even a week ago along with some clothing (clothing that included what I wore into the hotel Monday night), and showered twice. Totally unnecessary, but fuck. At least I feel calmer.

I think my OCD is coming back into play as a control mechanism. My ex is building a new life for himself along with a new partner, and it's my mind's way of easing itself. Everything is falling apart (hopefully to eventually come back together), and my illness is resurfacing in attempts to regain some kind of power. (I'm scared of my toothbrush btw).

I believe suppressed feelings of my non consensual sexual encounter from last year also resurfaced yesterday. Disclaimer: This incident was with someone I know and trust. It wasn't "wrong", but it felt wrong for me. I am NOT someone who can do the whole NSA/FWB thing. I learned about myself!

The guy I was with even made a few comments along the way of being concerned about my fragility. Turns out, he was right! I guess he knows aspects of myself better than I even do. :(

Today was a huge OCD failure. I NEED a psychiatrist referral. I don't want to go back to my dark place.

#mental illness #ocd

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survivorarabia · 7 years

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EPISODE 11 “I’m Royally Fucked” - Issy

Issy

Well the 'awogkgogkaka' is not an issue anymore, so that's good Fuck me though, I honestly don't know what to do from here

Ruthie

What is our tribe right now besides freaking HILARIOUS. Bahah. Okay, so Aren left, which is good for my game, I love Aren, but there was NO way I was getting to Final 3 with him, Emmott and Issy. Since he's left Emmott has been blowing up my messages, pissed but trying to keep his cool and I just find it so hilarious, I can't even. First there was this, which I of course shared with The Family alliance. [11/25/16, 9:18:34 PM] emmott young: duuuuuuude [11/25/16, 9:18:43 PM] Ruthie ❤: Sorryyyy :( :( :( [11/25/16, 9:18:59 PM] emmott young: DUUUUUUDE [11/25/16, 9:19:18 PM] Ruthie ❤: SORRYYYY :( [11/25/16, 9:23:09 PM] emmott young: at least it wasnt me! BAHAHAHAH. And then, there is this gem; [11/25/16, 9:29:26 PM] emmott young: its just, the one vote i didnt try lead myself i get foooooooked ahahahah!! [11/25/16, 9:29:29 PM] emmott young: its fun tho [11/25/16, 9:29:42 PM] emmott young: it better not be me then issy tho coz we flipped this entire game for yall TWICE Like, okay, if I'm remembering correctly it was YOU that wanted Shay out, Emmott. So you came to Alex and I and we went along with it because we SURE didn't want to be the ones to leave. The second time, I don't even know, was it the Jay vote? Who knows, who even cares but this is Survivor and it is every person for themselves although I am DEFINITELY looking out for Alex and Nicole and even Lena and Richie. All this and I'm still talking to Emmott and trying to give him a pep talk and just still, this is the kind of response I get out of him; [11/25/16, 9:36:09 PM] Ruthie ❤: I have noooo idea, try to win individual immunity though. <3 [11/25/16, 9:37:29 PM] emmott young: i dont do immunity ahahahah [11/25/16, 9:37:53 PM] emmott young: fuck it im givin up! i tried playing this game hard for the people who flipped on me, but life aint fair SORRY EMMOTT, I have my own game to play I'm not going to hang around and be your personal cheerleader for the comp. Also, let me rewind for a minute, can we talk about this that was in the tribe chat? [11/25/16, 9:17:57 PM] emmott young: WOAH WHAT HAPPENED [11/25/16, 9:19:19 PM] emmott young: that was psycho what omg [11/25/16, 9:19:37 PM] emmott young: congrats alex and ruthie <3 [11/25/16, 9:19:56 PM] emmott young: the rest of yall.........yeah [11/25/16, 9:20:12 PM] Ruthie ❤: Why am I getting congratulated, I’ve won nothing, rip (u) [11/25/16, 9:20:48 PM] emmott young: ya gonna win! Like, HOW am I going to win? Why does he group me up there with Alex, not that I mind all because obviously Alex is my Survivor soulmate but WHY. Is it because we were on the same tribe as him for awhile or am I missing something? Either way, way to make friends and keep yourself around longer Emmott! Calling us out like that, yay! And apparently Richie is salty about people always putting Alex and I as the brains for everything because: [11/25/16, 9:19:58 PM] Lena McKenzie: I'm amazed at this!! But why is Emmott congratulationg you guys [11/25/16, 9:20:13 PM] Lena McKenzie: Like Alex I understand because he almost got voted out but lol? [11/25/16, 9:20:16 PM] Richie: bc me and you are their puppets and we're handing them the game [11/25/16, 9:20:20 PM] Richie: DUH LENA This backs up the reason that he is going to have to go sooner or later, because when we get to the end he is going to come up with this epic speech and end up winning it over Alex and I. And don't get me wrong, I would LOVE Richie to win, if Emmott and Issy go next I'll be happy with ANYONE that wins but still, awkward much? Also, to end this on a happy note, can we talk about how much I love Nicole again? She is my absolute queen lol, I love her so much. [11/25/16, 9:21:05 PM] nicole gilmore: People are getting mad like I'm actually ever filled in on anything and like my fat ass wasn't eating thanksgiving leftovers all day????? [11/25/16, 9:21:07 PM] nicole gilmore: Okay [11/25/16, 9:21:25 PM] nicole gilmore: Sorry Alex didn't leave way to be transparent Well, until... later, I suppose! <3

Issy

I've been thinking about this game and I thought I might as well summarise it with a list of mistakes I've made so far, in order of shittiness 1) Making an alliance with my favourite dumb cunts literally-a-12-yo Aren and the totally unpredictable, emotional Emot 2) Allowing those fuckers to vote out Jay 3) Trusting Aren to be able to sort shit out for that last vote 4) Being stupid enough to convince myself (& Emmott) that blindsiding Shay was a great idea 5) Finding the solution to Pandora's box & sending it to literally everyone but ny host chat (and then 3 minutes later, because I decided I needed to fucking check again, someone else got in first) 6) Not taking out Alex or Ruthie when we had the chance 7) Not doing more to save Ci'ere & leaving it to the last minute 8) Not working my arse off to find an idol which would be real fucking useful right about now 9) Inviting Alex into that alliance at the beginning 10) Signing up to play in the first place and not turning down the last minute offer to be in this godforsaken season

Ruthie

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At this point in the game I really need to start winning things or I will be viewed as a MEGA floater and I just don't want that to happen. Tonight's comp is basically luck related though so... yeah, we'll see.

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If Emmott or Issy DID win tonight, I wouldn't be in danger, who ever didn't get immunity out of the two of them would be the one to go home. I would love for one of them to win, especially Emmott because I love his passion so much, and he makes me laugh. But I still want The Family to remain solid and that might cause other things to happen. :/ Speaking of The Family though...

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Last thing I wanted to cover before finding out the results for tonight... THE JURY! And seriously, I am sorry for all the noise, I'm not sure what possessed me to make video confessionals in the Cosco parking lot with my little sister and my 2 year old nephew in the car.

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Right now I just feel like they all hate me, I'm not sure if they hate myself or Alex more at this point but whatever happens I still want to go to the end with him!

Emmott

blind week is a joke coz me and issy are fucked and no one is gonna wanna make moves when they dont know what the fuck is going on

note that

now that im on the bottom im just trying to be OTT shady and lowkey mean so people keep me, even over issy or anyone? because taking someone with a bad attitude further into the game is good for them, so im just trying to seem like a mean person

Alex

Aren's blindside went perfectly, and the fact that he actually had people writing my name down means that it was even justified! Fantastic! Nicole's random vote for Issy is weird and mildly concerning, but not too much so. The hosts have asked me to rank the players, so I am going to rank them in order of How Likely I Am To Give My Jury Vote To This Person. 6 – Emmot: This paranoid, flip-floppy motherfuck right here. Fuck you, dude. Pick a side. Don't try and play both. I can't see a world where I vote for you. 5 – Nicole: Don't get me wrong, being able to mostly count on your vote is great. But at the end of the day, we haven't talked game. You've been Ruthie's appendage and that's it. 4 – Lena: If our Family has a weak link, strategically speaking, it's Lena. I love her, but she's mostly just a vote at this point – a vote who holds an Idol, maybe. Definitely the fourth wheel, definitely not getting my vote unless I have to. 3 – Issy: I respect her iron will to eliminate me. I don't respect her complete lack of ability to make it happen, or lack of flexibility. Survivor is a game of adaptation, and she's banging her head against the brick wall. Richie and Ruthie are obviously the top two, and my vote between them really would depend on how I went out of the game, and how they got themselves to the end. It would be a tough choice between the for me, and I can't make that call now. Before I get to talking about blind week, I once again want to wax philosophical about the game. Specifically, I'm sure that a lot of people will be looking at my play in retrospect and saying “dude, what the fuck?” Because from a purely strategic standpoint, my insistence on keeping the Family intact and, specifically, keeping both Richie and Ruthie in, is strategic suicide. I'm aware of this. I've said before that I take these games really seriously, and I play with everything I've got. I genuinely, regardless of what happens, like the people I'm aligned with. And I want to see them do well, even at my own expense. So I have a tough choice ahead of me, now, at this moment. Strategically, I should start looking to cut Richie and/or Ruthie soon here, because they kick my ass at the end. But I don't know if I have a cold enough heart to do it, is the thing. What I have to settle within myself is: how far will I go to win? Will I cut them down to do it? Because I could, I really could. But will I feel good about it later? And if I lose even after doing so, will I regret it? Probably. Also, FUCK BLIND WEEK That's all, just fuck this shit.

Emmott

NICOLE HAS A NERVE

Ruthie

Funny I should send in a post about how solid The Family is then do what I did last night. I am such an unloyal snakey bitch and I really hate myself this week. I hate myself a lot. I remember asking the other day in The Family alliance if our alliance was seen more as 'Heroes' or 'Villains' and I really HOPE I'm not seen as a villain after tonight, although if I am, I hope to be lovingly greeted by the dark side. Can I get some cupcakes with black and red sprinkles, please? So, the new Takeover was posted and just FUCK. Literally anyone could be going home this week and in short I panicked. I suggested to Alex that I talk to Issy and Emmott about bringing back our old chat and talking them into voting Richie out. I suggested that one of us could vote with them and the other vote with Lena, Richie and Nicole. He was of course down but hesitant and kind of sat back a bit with it, and I really don't blame him. This is SUCH a bitch move on my part and I'm feeling awful already but I WANT ALEX AND I TO GET TO THE END. I WANT HIM TO STAY SAFE. Anyway, we talked this morning and for now I think that The Family and Nicole are going to vote together and that Emmott/Issy are going to vote for Richie, thinking that we are too. At this rate I'm not going to have any jury votes, RIP ME.

Alex

Blind Week is so ugly. This is so simple, guys. Each person has a 1/7 shot at having Immunity, the odds are in our favor if we just pile onto one person. But no, Ruthie has to PANIC and go to Issy and Emmott to get them to vote Richie instead of me, just in case. First of all, that's not gonna work. They're not buying it. Second of all, they're not buying it. THIRD of all, they are IMMEDIATELY going to run to Richie and tell him what you're doing because that is literally their only course of action! What the shit! Their best play is to break us up and you've just created the bullets, loaded the gun and handed it to them! The fuck do you expect them to do, NOT shoot it? Christ. I am trying to keep things under control, and part of my method is making sure nobody notices that should there be a tie, we go to rocks. Because let's be real, I'm the most likely to end up in a tie, and then I'd be safe. And if this fails, and I go home for it? Fine. Guess who has the moral high ground, kids?! But if I don't go home, my Legacy Advantage will let me see all...and that's useful info.

Issy

Fuck me, this game is just one twist after another! A blind round? I'm already stumbling around lost and confused, there was no need for this & 'there will be no questions this round' What are you doing hosts? I know I talked shit about your weird-ass irrelevant questions but you can't just keep taking them from us like this! Questions are the highlight of my week! Seriously! I'm gonna get voted out next tribal and you aren't even letting me write a passive aggressive tribal answer! 'Aren't' like all I can see is the 'Aren' can we talk about Aren for a second? issy, 11:25 am he was strategic? he had a great social game? i must have missed that completely wow Ruthie ❤, 11:25 am WAIT, so your fight was for real? I keep accidentally throwing him under the bus, I'm just pissed off because being voted out is 102% his own bloody fault. Fawz could have still had a god damn majority if someone didn't think it was a great idea to tell Mr. Paranoid that Jay was out to get him & at this point I'm totally convinced Richie/Ruthie/Alex/Lena are gonna be the final four and I'm going to be a real fucking bitter juror. Anyway, I'm considering my options right now and it's looking like I'm going to have to whore myself out and try and get someone, anyone, to vote with me. I'll vote for Emmott if I think it's gonna keep me in another round but honestly if they want me gone, I'm gone, and that's a real shitty situation to be in. Nicole and Lena seem like the obvious targets because from what I can see, they're on the outs of the group, but I think I'm royally fucked anyway and I've been busy just praying that I somehow nailed that immunity challenge...

Richie

so...... this takeover is ugly..... i was going to try and take out nicole this week but with the uncertainty of not knowing who won immunity and blah blah blah its just not smart so its either issy or emmott tonight... and ive been lying hard core to emmott bc the votes not being revealed so im like being a real fake binch????? theres been so much messiness happening, ruthie threw me under the bus which wasnt fun to find out even if it wasnt necessarily true??? altho it could be true and i could be leaving tonight that would be wild???? also nicole gave me tea which made me trust her again which was nice so im happy i didnt try to vote her out this round i was just being paranoid about her relationship with ruthie which is still concerning but i feel better now as long as theyre telling the truth of course..... honestly idk wtf is going to happen bc with the immunity being a guessing game and not knowing who could have won ANYONE can be going home tonight especially with the no revote straight to rocks... like this is the ugliest round bc theres so little control over whats going to happen and i hate it i really hate it.... i just voted for issy but i would have rather voted for emmott bc ive had a better game history with issy (kinda?) so i would have prefferred to keep her around to try and make a move with later like there was tea she had an idol so she may play it tonight and i was lowkey hoping she would maybe play it at 5 and idol alex but idk i wanted to vote emmott bc of the fear of her having the idol is strong....... and i havent talked to her..... i should talk to her...... make her feel safer so she doesnt play her hypothetical idol but lbr if you didnt know who had immunity and you heard your name going around youd play that mf idol no matter what..... thats why im scared to vote her UGH this is ugly its literally like picking a target and throwing a dart at it with your eyes closed and i hate it and i hate you goodbye !!!!!!1!!!

#survivornightmare #masstag #confessionals

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