real photo of me lying in bed rn.

uhhh heres a bunch of finished stuff from while ive been gone ig

(Context: im thinking abt my post canon au, i explained on my ao3, u dont even have to read it just know its there)

Mizu revealing her being a woman to taigen AFTER he confesses his feelings to mizu AFTER being bested during their duel once again is literally so fucking personal to me. Jesus fuck... FUCK. Like. How overwhelmingly loved she must feel. How SEEN. Truly for once n not just but loved and wanted!!! Its so personal to me. Just. Taigen, losing, n then immediately leaning in for a kiss. Mizu is lost cuz what?? Why?? N taigen just. Confesses, but hes holding back cuz mizus reaction was not great and he doesn't wanna ruin the friendship they've formed these past months, they've grown so close so fast n its scary but so exciting n so right but if mizu doesnt want this then nothing is happening n its ok he has a CHOICE. Like. FUCK!! N then mizu telling taigen to wait and that night she reveals it. And its just sooo fucking intimate. Its so soft. And maybe taigen is confused but one look at how small mizu is making herself, like shielding herself from him. Like he gets it. The danger of it all. And its his promise to protect her if she ever needs to that does her in cuz. SHE HAS A CHOICE. TO BE PROTECTED OR NOT. THATS SO IMPORTANT TO HER. Yes, she can protect herself. Yes, it feels good to be protected. Yknow??

Mizu revealing her being a woman to akemi totally by accident AFTER they just had an argument abt women's choices in society AFTER mizu accidentally took one (1) big sip of sake, n then deciding fuck it im gonna win this argument, guess what akemi. And that's how akemi finds out. N Mizu thinks akemi is going to hate her, n she does for a bit in silence, but mostly shes just hurt? For herself AND for Mizu. Cause she understands, so suddenly, so intimately, how hard being a woman is and how mizu has had to hide as a man to survive (not even for plot reasons that we know, mizu being mixed AND a woman? Death sentence). And she just hurts. And they thought they'd always have this weird rift between them but they cry and they let it out (for Mizu, for the first time in YEARS) and its just. Its so emotional n so important and so personal and intimate. Its maybe winter all over again, a year has passed since theyd seen each other in kyoto, so much has changed and yet not rly and. They've grown but in different ways. Akemi, in taking life by the reins n being assertive and strong and so dangerously intelligent like shes always been but now, now its crucial to be that. And Mizu in realizing that she truly, truly wants to be loved so badly but to be loved is to be vulnerable and thats what scares her the most, to be weak; but ure only strong if u can be weak too, and thats what she learns. And i think this is where they really get deep into their feelings. Before it was a crush, an annoying one. Now? Oh bby theyre down bad. Yes they are.

ive made myself more wet and pathetic

i think i'd kill for anything related to don henry tomasino

ANON I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU ENDLESSLY !! thank you so much for this request i love don Henry au so much........😭💔💔💔

anyway! here's random sketches:

and Henry on Vinci's funeral bc i was thinking about it last week. in my head. in my head Vinci was the one who established Henry as the don.. and there's possibility that Vinci & Henry are relatives so yeahhhhhhh. his death would be kinda personal thing to Henry? not super emotional and tragic thing tho, but still

post anything related to don!Henry feels like undressing in public ngl

one thing i've just been noticing abt ivory's videos is just. the idea of proving yourself, despite all of the odds against you. if its fighting a 100 wardens or killing god, there's always something to be proven. it's proving that you are capable of accomplishing anything, and you'll do so in a heartbeat.

and that, of course, builds a reputation, right? everyone knows ivory! and she's built a very intense reputation for herself, and she's pretty much feared on every single smp shes on

but with that reputation...you're pressured to keep it up. you're forced to go onto the next big thing. to prove that you can accomplish anything in a heartbeat.

so you do the same things over and over again, ramping up the stakes without taking a minute to calm down and breathe

but maybe, there's a small part of you that begs you to stop. to slow down, take a moment for yourself, and take a moment to look back at everything. just to rest

but.

you have a reputation to uphold. even as part of you screams at you and forces you to put in the breaks, the only thing on your mind is to keep on going. to prove you can do what you've set your mind to, and what you've worked so hard for.

(but in the end, it barely feels like anything before you turn away and look for the next accomplishment to complete, because you've killed off the part that forces you to step back and question what you're doing.)

gale voice here feel the pulse of the magic in my heart that will eventually be the end of me. im on my knees before you like an animal showing its belly. im in excrutiating pain bc of the contact with the magic in my heart but please dont take your hand away please dont stop touching me

arc 4/season 2 of re:zero really did have a bunch of sets of siblings with lots of focus on them. it seemed to be a bit of a recurring theme for the season. family bonds as a whole were really important, especially where the backstory was concerned, but in contrast to that, the sibling relationships seemed to be about moving each other forward. in different ways though...

like, you have frederica and garfiel. they're estranged half-siblings, but frederica still obviously cares so much about her little brother. the reason she left was because she wanted to make a place for him and the rest of the people in the sanctuary in the outside world. garfiel was stuck inside the past, fearing the outside world for what happened to their mother. but when he finally faces his trial again, it's the memory of his sister that gives him the motivation to move forward.

similarly, in emilia's second trial, it's her conversation with archi that enables her to face the present for what it is. even though trial archi seemed to be pushing her towards the world of the trial itself, that's exactly what reinforces her will. with her memory of the real archi, she calls him "big brother" for the first time, and she thanks him for always being worried about her. the sad thing is, unlike all of the other sibling duos, archi has already been dead for a long time. but even then, like we saw in the first trial, he gave his life because he wanted emilia to keep moving forward.

and in otto's backstory too... he spent most of his childhood completely unable to interact with the world around him. the constant noise was too overwhelming, to the point that he couldn't actually hear anything else. he had no way to understand or communicate his feelings. and though his parents did their best to understand him, he was still stuck in this state. it wasn't until oslo decided to teach him how to write that he was finally able to express himself. despite the fact that it was harder for otto than other kids, he finally managed his first real message to his family, "thank you for everything." and with that, he cried for the first time since was born, and was able to move forward again.

even the antagonists this arc are siblings. meili and elsa dont get as much focus into their relationship as the others (not for this arc at least), but one very obvious development is that elsa has someone she cares about. elsa "bowl hunter" granhiert, a serial killer/assassin/vampire who takes great pleasure in watching people die, and tearing out their organs, has a person she cares about. this is a humanizing trait for her, and that's on purpose. loving meili literally makes her "more" human. someone that she's also willing to give up her life for. and later on, in arc 6, we see just how much elsa's death impacted meili and how she hasn't been able to move forward since that day.

this theme is even more noticeable in the negatives too. in rem and ram's case, who have already been set up as a matching set all the way back in arc 2. they're identical twins, they've loved each other literally since they were born. ram awoke her powers as a newborn just to save her crying sister. they share a deep and powerful bond. but... what the hell happens when that goes away? because rem had her name and memories eaten, ram forgets she ever had a sister. her character digresses, her entire world is now centered on roswaal, she's more devoted to him than she was before. without her sister, ram moves backwards.

and of course, there's the sibling duo that this entire season centers around- subaru and beatrice. i've talked before about how subaru's relationship with echidna and roswaal is like a foil for his relationship with his actual parents. subaru has been raised living in the shadow of his father, but his actual dad never once forced him into it- he encourages his son to stand on his own and be his own person. roswaal is the opposite, he corners subaru in an attempt to make him a mini roswaal. subaru's mother was always watched him closely, but never made his choices for him. echidna is the opposite, where she wants to manipulate and control subaru's every action to satiate her own goals and desires.

but echidna is also beatrice's actual mother, which places beatrice in the role of subaru's sister in his fucked up found family echidna had created. but beatrice and subaru were never forced together, they chose each other. beatrice was left alone in a library for 400 years, abandoned by her mother and left to wait for a person who would never truly come (who never truly existed). she has been stuck for so long, unable to break her chains. but the action that finally does free her from this stasis is when subaru asks her to choose him. the only way for them to escape this "family" and move forward was for them to choose each other.

i really dont understand studying at all like genuinely i don't know what it is . i know about "taking notes" and "reading the textbook" and that's it . quizlet doesn't do shit for me because i don't know what to. do. with the cards. look at them ? am i supposed to just look at them . No one bothered teaching me actual skills bc i got good grades when i was 8 and now i am so hopelessly lost . why did no one think to teach me this for when stuff got harder than four plus three

that 2am existentialism is hitting hard today

🏥🦷

i like thinking about the weird little quirks i have (gestures and phrases and whatnot) and how Guz would find them delightful and silly and endearing

.

for like 3 weeks i was wondering why i was sleeping so much and felt listless. and just now I managed to email 3 people and responded to a month old message in the span of an hour because I got back to TAKING MY FUCKIN MEDS..........

thinking abt how in english last year we had to do an assignment if a To Kill A Mockingbird character was living in modern day what would their phone look like and what would their music playlist be and why and i chose Boo Radley and put Radiohead on it AND THEN MY ENGLISH TEACHER KEPT IT TO USE AS AN EXAMPLE 🧍‍♂️

Some contemplations on the matador au...sorry, I'm like a child with a new toy 😭(I've not abandoned my other stuff btw obv but at certain point, it gets a bit hard to build an AU cause I'm like, I have so many ideas but idk how to post them in a cohesive way???? So it's a bit more relaxing and fun to play with a new one for a bit bcs everything is new :) )

This au mostly exists bcs I rly like drawing ornate things, such as the matador costume. But I've been thinking a lot lately abt the actual content of it. Vettonso(of course.) I have a few ideas abt the actual avenue of it. I have one main one, and then two jokey ones.

○

The first(and actual) one would be the original thought that both of them are matadors. And Seb retires after injury(btw jfc bullfighting injuries are such body horror. The one guy I was researching was impaled in the skull and lost his eye and some of his hearing. But he came back to bullfighting, and at some point was impaled in the chest and injured his lung. And still kept competing I think??? Somehow there's athletes more insane than f1 drivers, shocking, I know.)

I think Fernando would be renowed for his resilience and Seb for his agility. And both for their exceptional showmanship and flair 🤭 There's actually more than just matadors! Seb would prob start off as Fernando's assistant, a banderillero(kind of an assistant to the matador. They stick these flag things in the bull, and have to be super agile and fast.) And then becomes a matador in his own right(surpassing Fernando's achievements????) But as mentioned, gets a pretty bad injury and has to retire. But he still feels a lot of admiration and respect for Nando and comes to watch his matches. And Fernando *always* dedicates his kill to Seb, throwing his hat at him, hoping he'll one day come back. Seb is like: "what do I do with this box of hats..." Fernando is crying in the corner bcs he's lost a lot of his motivation.

It's really !!!!! to think about their suit designs and the evolution of it. They're pretty united when Seb is Fernando's assistant(Nando wearing light blue with gold, Seb darker blue with silver.) And then Seb becomes a matador(dark blue and gold), and Fernando suddenly changes his suit to bright red(he is upset, he is seeing red, haha get the bull joke?) Seb would start wearing that circa 2010 bull hat after successful matches, thus cementing himself as the "red bull" and Fernando, his rival, "bull-killer." They're not directly competing, but thematically they are. In traditional bull matches, there's 3 matadors vs 6 bulls. So vettonso are often in the same matches, indirectly competing against each other, but fighting to have the most flair and success. Fernando sees defeating Seb to be just as important as defeating the actual bull. He slays the bull, and then conquers the other.

Sobbing to imagine Fernando abandon his hatred for Seb after witnessing him getting injured. Cradling his bloody, torn up body. Pressing his hat to Seb's chest, soaking up his blood with his own cape. By that point, Seb had had a dark green suit. And ever since he retired, Fernando now wears the same shade, as an homage to his once great rival, dedicating every kill that Seb never got to have to the man himself.

Hahaha okay silly versions:

Two is just bullfighter!Fernando being driver Seb's wag 😭

Everyone notes the irony of him being a Red Bull driver who constantly has bull iconography(2010 bull hat, petting the bull on his car, "riding" the bull at the end of 2012, etc.) dating a man who kills bulls for a living. But it turns out Fernando is the only one who can tame the bull 🤭, and also Seb is the only bull he can't bring himself to kill. Seb makes a helmet for the Spanish gp based on the embroidery of Fernando's suit. Fernando tries to incorporate Seb's logo and rbr logo somewhere on his cape. They share a trophy shelf 🥰 and Fernando brings one of his hats to the Spanish gp to publicly bestow upon Seb.

The third is so stupid 😭 Basically: Seb becomes the human physical manifestation of one of the bulls Fernando is meant to kill, and tries to seduce him into leaving the bullfighter life. So he's a bull-boy: tails, ears, horns and all 😏 So Fernando comes home from a match, and Seb is there, kneeling, when he opens his front door. Fernando now must conquer a bull in a *different* way. Bull-boy out who is out to ruin your livelihood by seductively splaying himself across every surface in your house and encouraging you to tug on his septum ring, and forget that you have a match to go to this weekend, and wouldn't you rather enjoy a bull rather than kill one?