Night saved. Got to help someone who was going vegan find a bunch of stuff and give advice. However, night still ruined bc I feel like an asshole but my gut is telling me things are going to pan out in a certain way, and some of it feels dickish, but like. I'm pretty sure I'm right.

So I have this friend. We've never been *just* friends, but we never questioned our relationship. Well, after five years, I think I might be aroace, and I think that we've been in a qpr for at least half the time we've known each other, if not longer. The problem is, even though I've tried to gently bring it up, he shuts me down. I haven't tried very hard, bc Im scared, he can't be without a relationship for long so he's always dating someone. (I realized this is a long story so 1/idk 2 or 3 lol

So my friend has dated this girl from two years at this point, and she's always been a bit insecure about his and my relationship (I didn't know about the qpr thing until recent) but we've all been civil. Over the course of the two years, she's slowly drawn him away from me. If me and him hung out, she would drape herself over him so that it would be weird if I sat next to him, and we stopped hanging out nearly as much. It hurt, he kept choosing her over me, but she was his gf and I was not. 2/3 Last week, they cornered me together bc I was keeping a secret. I tried to tell them they didn't want to know, but they pressed untill I caved in. So I told them most of the truth. My friend has been lying to his gf and me, about a lot. Then I brought up the qpr thing, and both of them brushed it off like it meant nothing. It was even said to my face that he would always choose her over me. I don't want to lose the friendship. He's the only one I have left at the moment. So the question is 3/4 Do I break up with him? Can I even break up with him? We never established a relationship, and it's obvious who he choose. Is it okay that this feels like a betrayal? He ignored me for a week before telling me that not talking to me was the hardest thing he's ever done, but he's the reason we weren't talking in the first place! I completely understand if this isn't something you want to answer but I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this bc no one understands the aroace thing. 4/4

hello! that is a complicated and uncomfy situation you’ve got there, anon. i think it’s definitely valid that that feels like a betrayal to you. as a reminder, folks, friendships and qprs are not lesser than romantic relationships, just different. you should not be prioritizing your significant other over all of your other friends just because you’re in a romantic relationship. no one person can be your answer to everything, and it’s important to not rely on them and put them on a pedestal simply because they have the s/o title.

anon, i understand not wanting to lose a friend, especially when that friend is one of the only ones you have, but if someone is hurting you and one of your defenses of them / reasons you want to keep the relationship is because they’re all you have, that isn’t healthy. being lonely sucks ass, but it’s better than sticking with an unsatisfying or unequal relationship out of desperation. the whole thing about him ignoring you for a week and then coming back and saying how hard it was, seems at best to be careless of your feelings and at worst downright manipulative and an attempt to make you sympathize with him while he actively avoids you. not only that, but the fact that his girlfriend seems to be a direct influence on your relationship with him, while you don’t even seem to consider her a friend based off of what you’ve told me, raises some red flags. her insecurity is not your responsibility, and he should have done a better job at communicating with her to put her at ease or walked away from someone who seems to be unable to keep herself from meddling in his other relationships. since he’s done neither of those things and allows her to continue affecting your relationship with him, i would agree with you and say that his priority is definitely with her.

honestly, if you have a relationship of any kind in your life that has reached the point where you feel the need to ask other people for advice on whether or not you should keep it, you’ve probably already made your decision and you’re looking for a justification for it. whether or not you want to keep trying to fix it or leave it is always going to be completely your choice, but if it was me in your shoes, i’d be cutting contact with them both or at the very least slowing it down. they’ve repeatedly ignored and dismissed your sexuality and your attempts at communicating to fix the relationship, and it seems to me that you feel as if you no longer have any agency in the way things are with him at all. healthy relationships of any variety require listening and communication and a give and take that is acceptable and comfortable to all parties involved. if your needs aren’t being met and you’ve communicated this, but your partner(s) haven’t listened or made any attempt to fix this, the relationship isn’t healthy. in a healthy relationship, you should not be made to feel as if you are powerless in it. walking away is hard and not an easy decision, especially when it seems like if you do you’ll lose all you have, but if all you have is making you feel shitty, it might be time to do what you can to find something new. if you’re concerned about not being able to find new friends, my inbox is always open and i’m also happy to point you to plenty of resources online to meet some new friends!

and remember folks, romantic relationships are not inherently superior to a friendship or a qpr!