#im in a really weird headspace rn in general | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sexydreamgirl · 2 years

Note

hera I'm sorry for trauma dumping but I feel rlly shitty rn and dont have anyone to rant to, u don't have to answer if u don't want. and I also hope u understand what I'm trying to say :).

I have gotten so much more insecure lately and comparing myself to others, like I see the best version in everyone else especially look wise but not myself, and Im even scared ti have a bf bc I think he is going to leave me for my friend etc. ik that I just have to work on my sc but I feel weird abt it, bc I have this very dumb mindset and jealousy issues that others are literally born beautiful with perfect bodies and I have to MANIFEST for me to have it, it just seems unfair yk?

but the thing is growing up I was considered very pretty and that I had a nice body, like even strangers sometimes would compliment me. but rn that doesn't happen anymore like literally it's the opposite no one thinks I'm pretty anymore and no one has any romantically interest in me and it makes me kind of upset. I feel really guilty but I always compare myself and get jealous of a friend of mine bc she seems to be smart and have the body that guys want and in general she always gets things easier while I feel that I have to work for it. so idk why I'm not considered pretty anymore is it like did I rlly had an glow down or did the beauty standards changed? .. anyway ik that I also can just manifest having it back but I feel that me manifesting it back it like cancels it out kind of ? like I would rather not be in a position that I have to manifest beauty yk?and it's not just with the beauty wise like I feel everything I would get complimented on it kind kind disappeared and I got worse. like I was known for having very clear skin and very white pearly teeth but now I don't and can't say that oh yeah I always had clear skin and it kind of annoys me If u understand what i mean? same goes with talents like I used to be a dancer and good one and would be very athletic but now nothing, and I would speak fluently some languages, especially the ones I speak in my house and now I'm not able to.

I rlly don't know what's wrong with me and why i have become like this, its like I have lost all my personality and have gotten depressed and ppl view me much differently that how i rlly am and used to be like an example I used to be athletic but now they think I'm lazy bc I don't participate in gym class but I find it reasonable but it still annoys me. and i would have guys that have crush on me and now nothing, and I have lost all of my friends and no one likes me and they treat me like shit and i always feel that I'm responsible for it and in just so lost and ikd what to do with my life .

so my question is, except that I would like some advice or anything would be nice , is there a chance that I have accidently manifested all this or did that happen by its own??.. I hope this wasn't too much, thank u for ur time :)

According to the law you manifest the good, the bad and the indifferent. However, there's a difference between conscious manifestation and unconscious manifestation. So even if it wasn't your intention to manifest such unfavorable matters, that doesn't discredit how you can or should feel about the situation.

That said, you're not obligated to continue being a person you don't want to be. You don't have to be trapped in this conception of self if it has you in a terrible headspace, but the change must begin with you. You need to realize that the only person standing in your way of becoming the best version of yourself is you, there is no one to change but self. You are bringing forward excuses about guilt because you have to manifest xyz okay AND? You're no better nor worse than somebody who didn't have to manifest it. There's a reality where you're the total opposite of everything you've just described, there's a reality where it's even better than anything you could've ever imagined. No reality is better than another, so why not start working with the law to your favor? You're manifesting 24/7 anyway. You know you can do something about it, so just go for it. Don't let yourself get consumed by feelings of guilt over what is essentially YOUR birthright. Just go for it and don't give up for anything or anyone, you deserve to live out the life of your dreams.

#trauma dump

15 notes · View notes

ceresys · 1 year

Text

cutely fills out another ask game

formatting sucks bc mobile and also i should be sleeping

What's your name? How did you get it?

-- espér! it comes from the french word espérance which means hope :3

How old are you? Does it change, or do you stay the same age?

-- ageless

What's your gender and sexuality?

-- vaguely masc, sometimesongic & aroace

What's your species?

-- short answe i am No

If money wasn't an issue, where would you want to travel?

-- france for the lols but uhh i heard nordic countries are really nice generally

What's your dream job?

-- hmmmm not sure

If you have exomemories, was your old life very different from your current one?

-- n/a

What kinda music do you like? Feel free to share a playlist if you have one!

-- french indie or pop is quite nice :] my fav rn is sometimes by mattyeux and princess chelsea ive listened to it for 29 hours in under a week already sjskakksksjj

Is there anyone in your system that you're extra close to?

-- nah

Do you have your own space in headspace? What's it like?

-- no but i could make one rn

How often do you front? Is fronting easy or difficult for you?

-- checks non existent notes . i have fronted once and that is right now

Is it easy or hard for you to communicate with the others in your system?

-- pretty easy but thats regular for us

Do you have any friends/family/partners outside your system?

-- *me personally* no. but we as a whole have partner systems yes and friends etc

Post a picture of how you look! (FC, Picrew, selfie, drawing, etc)

-- 😳 hold on

Is there anyone in your system you absolutely don't get along with?

-- grabs a piece of paper . that one unknown guy who fronted and put the cedilla on the word façade when writing in english but spelt "the" right before it wrong. "...tbe façade..." it was so funny idk

How would you describe your personal aesthetic?

-- ooh ooh ooh. flowers, orange, french stuff

Do you have any skills or talents the others don't?

-- im cooler than them /j

Are you part of any fandoms, subcultures, communities etc?

-- hmmm no

Is there anything that makes it obvious you're the one fronting (accent, tone of voice, quirks, etc)?

-- i dont think so

What's a silly fear you have?

-- idk

What are some of your current goals?

-- s u r v i v e

Favorite food?

-- for me like instant noodles its very,

Favorite drink?

-- waterr

Favorite ice cream flavor?

-- i haven't had it in my existence 🤔

Was it hard for you to adapt to being part of a system?

-- nah

How do you spend your time when you aren't fronting?

-- checks non existent note again

How do you like to dress?

-- comfy

What's a belief of yours that others might consider weird?

-- hmmmmmm lemme think

Do you do anything creative (writing, drawing, roleplaying, stitching, cosplaying, etc)? Feel free to show off some of your work!

-- noh :(

How do you personally explain your system's plurality? (Spiritual, psychological, gateway, soulbond, neurogenic, etc)

-- stares uhhhhhh complicated

Do you have any disorders or neurodivergencies that the rest of the system doesn't?

-- not me personally

If your system has disorders or neurodivergencies, do your symptoms differ from the others'?

-- my attention span is extra low 💀

If you could pick a super power, what would it be?

-- ooh hard one. know all world languages (to avoid catches: to as much extent possible, updates to stay with the times, i actually have a decent accent, it doesnt explode my brain, etc)

What's your favorite thing about yourself?

-- gay

Do you have a system role?

-- nope :( but maybe the spotify listener who listens to spotify too often /j

#f ; espér #p ; espér

0 notes

n0ct0urn1quet · 2 years

Text

god do you ever just fucking. say things

#just in general. yall ever say things #why am i getting so worked UP about this . im not mad ? im just like ???? in a very very weird headspace rn #im just. ouugh #im fuckinnnn dizzy #im lowkyey dissociating or some other Thing because i just like. feel. airy. dizzy. lightheaded. not entirely Real ?#but also im listk #fuckin . id ont KNOW #im. okay #im not feeling like this bc of what im upset about #im feeling like this because i am upset at myself for being upset #jesus christ do i really constantly act this fuckin irrational all the time #becuasse if i do then im so fuckign soryr holy shit #the only way i can describe this is mania but not as extreme #just like . extreme. negative mood swings. caused by me getting kind of upset over something Out Of My Control #i just. i am goign through something !#maybe i should close tumblr for a sec because if i stay on here i will in fact probably say some stupid shit #so byeeeeee xoxoxo see u guys in like half an hourrrrrrrr #also my fuckin head is poundinggggggg A

0 notes

uno-writing · 2 years

Text

This is @queer-verse’s ask about ep 249!!!🍿🥤🍭🍬🍫🧋🥨🥬🍦🍧🧊🐇

!!!!!WARNING MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!! !!!!!READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!!!

Ep 249!!

Warning this is long lol

- the mind games have begun

- im still sure that sera isn't gonna fall for it but it must be really rough for her rn

- lmao i screamed when she told him to group up

- as in my anxiety kicked in

- like how tf do u even do that, esp when uk they don't want u there

- LMAO THE "HELLO 🤗"

- I COULD NEVER

- HE REALLY HAS NO SHAME

- "it must be a sign" ASSRFVJN

- and oof i was waiting for a confrontation

- i wasn't really vibing w this weird lets be fake nice limbo

- and Honestly Blyke has so much to work thru. like hes a hypocrite rn, but i think the only way forward is accepting is that he was once just like john, just way less extreme

- and hello? the dialogue is killing me. most of the drama in uno starts bc no one knows how to use their words

- if someone beat me up brutally for months and then said it was bc of my headspace, i would be furious too (not that blyke is totally justified). thats not even close to a real apology (if john already apologized i forgot sorry)

- but thb

- they dont deserve an apology unless they own up as well

- like why r they "putting up" w john rn? all of them? its bc they all feel guilty deel down, but noone is ready to own up.

- "saints for being able to keep their cool"???? hello? did u just point at arlo? boi, they haven't denied their actions as deeply as u have. they know that they were at fault as well.

- everyone had kinda concluded "we've all fucked up, so lets just silently move on and be polite to eachother" on their own

- and blyke broke that mutual agreement

- and im glad. stuff needs to be said

- arlo was the biggest piece of shit for what he did. he was a flaming arse hole, the worst of em all. and even tho he kinda realized it, it was for all the wrong reasons and he STILL hasnt give a legit apology

- blyke comes second, ive given my reasons. He's come far but he still has a long way to go. so many apologies

- remi is the embodiment of toxic positivity and i really hope that Changes. she might owe a general apology to john for not being a better queen at first but assuming she was doing good anyway. ill never understand why she didn't try to carry on her brothers legacy. i mean, i do understand but sis didn't even try

- isen 😭😭 he needs to treat john like person. but honestly, the way hes so done is peak entertainment

- obvs there are things john needs to be sorry for as well, but its like thats the only thing everyone (in the story) sees

- anyway, w the way hes going i bet john is going to be the first one to step up in the group, good for him.

- good for fucking him that he went after Blyke

- JOHN MY KING

- SEE THIS IS WHAT I MEAN HES SO MUCH BETTER THAN BLYKE RN

- yea, and blyke needs to cope w the fact that he was a part of the fucked upness of the heirarchy, and that somewhere in there, john had a point

- he needs to accept that someone who hurt everything he cares about is actually just a person who is trying to change just like john has

- perpetually obsessed w the trope of a lowerclass less privileged "genius" rising to the top and being rooted for but then they slowly get more and more questionable and loose support and get called the fuck out but we realize that theyre just doing what the "rich" did all along and it's not fair that they're the only one who had repercussions

- like that's basically human history

- YESSSSS

- FOR A SEC I THOUGHT IT WAS SPECTRE BUT THIS IS FINE

- LMAO DONT HATE ME BUT I MISSED THE FIGHTS

- IM REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO OUT FIRST FIGHT IN A LONG TIME

- BLYKE AND JOHN CAN KICK👏THEIR 👏 FUCKING 👏BUTTS👏

- IM LOOKING FORWARD TO THE NEXT EPISODE EVEN MORE THAN I DID AFTER 245

- IM IN MIDDLE SCHOOL SCREAMING FIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHT

- Boba anon 🧋

----

*I’m guessing she’s not gonna fall for it since she told John to go group with the others

*God John is such a menace

*I personally don’t think Blyke’s being a hypocrite. Like to me I think Blyke has a wayyy better reason to act like this to John than John did to Blyke

*Like Blyke got trauma from the Joker v Royals fight and with all of the further fights between Blyke and John and with John actively targeting Safe House, Blyke learned that John’s a threat

*Stuff like that takes a long time to work out

*Like he TRIED really hard to be John’s friend like he said this episode

*And I don’t think John’s actually apologized to anyone other than Sera but I might be wrong

*I mean the royals kinda did own up

*Especially Blyke and Arlo considering they owned up to people other than John

*The big example of this is Safe House and the new peace at Wellston

*But I absolutely wouldn’t say Blyke is hiding what he did

*I mean the Zeke v Blyke fight he literally says that the royals fucked up and how they needed to do better and stop bullying everyone

*I understand both the polite move on and Blyke’s point

*Like the polite part is to keep the peace and bc they can’t go back and change things, they can only more forwards

*And as I mentioned before, Blyke literally has at least a minor form of PTSD from the crap John did

*He has so many symptoms of minor PTSD

*Plus Blyke seems like the type of guy to treat others how he’s treated

*He’s super nice to Remi, he’s sarcastic and crap with Isen, he’s respectful to Arlo and Sera

*The only thing he’s gotten from John is hatred and aggression

*Didn’t Remi apologize when she met with John in his room? I might be remembering wrong though😅

*I think everyone’s just trying to do what’s best

*Plus I don’t think John would be accepting of their apologies

*Like up until this trip, he didn’t give a shit about anyone other than Sera

*While I give John props for going after Blyke, Blyke doesn’t owe John anything

*Like John’s done NOTHING but hurt people Blyke cares about and be an asshole from the moment they met

*I don’t blame Blyke at all

*Like I’d be soo pissed if I were in his shoes

*Bc from Blyke’s perspective John’s just this super dude that pretended to be weak for a lil while, got angry and then hurt a lot of people, including putting me and my best friend in the hospital before targeting the club members of the Safe House that was created to help out people

*Like I’m p sure that Blyke doesn’t even know that John’s ability developed late (i might be wrong though)

*John’s just a bloodthirsty bully for the entirety of the student body except Sera, Arlo, and maybe Remi

*Idk

*But yes!!! I’m so excited to see them fight together!!!

*Also John canonically only has 1 method of making friends and that’s to just keep following people around, even when they tell him to leave them alone until they just give up

#unordinary #spoilers #berriwords #bobaanon

6 notes · View notes

getallemeralds · 5 years

Note

So, I have a character who is a system, and I wanted to know before I develop them further, how does DID work, from a personal account? I really really really don't want to accidentally create yet another TOXIC misinterpretation of a real condition (because I know how horrible that can feel), and I hope I'm not saying anything wrong even now. (P.S. I love your blog, but I'm too shy to come off anon.)

hey anon!! it means a LOT to me that you sent this message :D theres a lot of really messy-bad potrayals of DID in the media so seeing people actually going to the effort of asking systems abt their experiences is really heartwarming for us. (plus the fact that ppl keep asking us in specific abt system stuff omg,,)

im gonna preface this by saying that, in the end, i can only really talk about my own experiences with full confidence. systems can work pretty differently from each other, but this is how we function and also some details ive noticed from system friends + general discussion over the years

so, to start off: Dissociative Identity Disorder is, at its core, your brain trying to respond to trauma in a pretty severe way. that being said there ARE systems that didnt experience severe trauma and still developed, and im not really sure about the mechanics behind that but i find it really cool and it totally exists. im gonna focus on trauma-based systems bc that’s our ~tragic backstory~ and also tends to be what most people opt for when creating system characters anyway, but the only real difference from what i can tell is, uh, a lack of trauma.

I HOPE YOU’RE READY FOR ME TO SAY THE WORD “TRAUMA” A WHOLE LOT JFC

(system friends are welcome to reblog with corrections or added info!!)

anyway. the way your brain responds to things is really weird. if something happens where you’re just, like, completely unable to handle it, like you dissociate yourself so hard because there’s no way you can manage this, your brain has a chance of going “uh… well, fuck, uh” and generating somebody who can manage it. or it might decide to be a dick and take all of the fucky internalized garbage and turn it into a person whose sole existence is to be an asshole. (they have the potential to get better, i think… ours didnt.) honestly theres a bunch of reasons and a bunch of “roles” that could lead to an alter/headmate* forming.

* we use the terms interchangeably depending on mood and whos fronting. i think its supposed to be “alter” is DID, “headmate” is implication that theyre non-traumatic? we like using “headmate” because it brings this fun mental image of us being a bunch of roommates constantly starting shit with each other and goofing off which is pretty accurate about 75% of the time

i keep getting distracted bc my cat is here. this is gonna be fun to go back and edit.

whatever the original situation is, you’re suddenly not alone in your own brain. and it’s REALLY WEIRD. communication was VERY hard. Icarus, our system original, used to do a very “cliche” thing of sharing a journal with their early headmates, where theyd write a sentence and then theyd write a reply (although back then they didnt realize that was a system-related thing and just thought they were having a fun conversation with their ocs. which… they were, just. Actually Talking.) they didnt have any inward perception of themself or their headmates either, so that kinda built up over time (with some help) along with the appearance of our headspace so that there was… actually a location for people to interact in. once they had a better awareness of things, mental communication got a bit easier– its sort of like background chatter really, when everybody’s awake. sometimes i get weird out of context things from Mae yelling at somebody, or sometimes ill be talking to a friend and someone’ll butt in.

when talking out loud, this usually leads to us suddenly stopping and then laughing or going “no!!!”. when on discord and around people who know who we are… well.

speaking of Mae, she’s pretty much my sister. not like… biologically? because i don’t think thats possible for me, but shes kinda literally my “other half” which ill get into later. headmates can have strong attachments to other alters! friends, best friends, family, dating, whatever. they can also do that with people outside the system, and itll be different for each headmate. there’s like 4 people dating Jorb but i just see him as one of my best friends. we’re people and we have complex social interactions that can get to be kind of a nightmare when you’re around a bunch of people who don’t know that you’re Not Leo and that youre suddenly not super up to existing around people in general.

plus even if like… so Jorb’s dating 4 of us like i said, but his relationship w/ each of them is different? Ica is very clingy and likes rambling to him, Summer’s pretty much just always happy to hang out, Mae makes fun of him a lot but in a loving way, and Leo is… kinda “all of the above” because that’s his gimmick. plus even tho a few other alters have a sibling-ish relationship with Mae like i do, usually its just me and Mae that do the “chaos siblings” bit.

the basic system.. thing… is that there’s “front”, which is being in control of the body– so, like, i’m currently fronting/in front, because im the one currently active and using our computer and staring at our cat.– and then theres the headspace, where everybody hangs out when theyre not in front. the headspace itself can differ in style & functionality for each system, and i think theres some systems that dont really have a location at all? but for us its like a full on location where we have individual rooms, places to visit if we get bored while away from front, etc.

theres also like, being at/near/away from front? so currently im in front, but Leo is pretty much always lurking nearby if he’s awake (we have individual sleep schedules that dont always sync up to the “irl” one, Trust is almost always sleeping), Ica’s somewhat in the back talking to Rookie so i cant really make out what theyre saying (its probably about either a youtube thing they both like or about a comic they want to do), and everyone else is either asleep (in which case they could be nearby but i cant currently “ping” them, so id have to actually take a sec to ground myself in headspace more) or in a different room. communication is easier if im in front and somebody is nearby, or it can be like with Ica rn where im like “well, theyre talking, but i have no idea what theyre saying and am making a guess based off their usual interactions”, or i could pass off front to go talk to Ica and come back (in which case my memory would be kind of vague and weird because information doesnt always properly translate), oooor i could actually go bug them while still in front. which.. im not gonna do rn bc then id get super distracted.

switching front differs between systems a lot! and even varies from day to day. like there are days where we wake up and we have absolutely no idea who we are bc we went to bed as one person and woke up as another. or we could be talking to somebody and then realize “wait, i stopped being Leo a bit ago, who am i”. or we could pass off front to somebody, like if Summer really wanted to front sie’d run up to me and let me know and we’d swap. or if something critical happens (usually a breakdown), Leo or one of the other headmates that’re more built to handle stressful situations will literally drag somebody out of front to make sure they dont hurt themself. or sometimes we throw front at people unexpectedly, like either mid-breakdown where we go “okay i dont wanna be here anymore, tag youre it” or sometimes because we think its funny because its the metaphysical equivalent of getting clonked in the head with a dodgeball, except the dodgeball is “being in control of our shared physical form”. usually mae’s the one that does that lmao

there’s a couple major categories of how alters come about. there’s “walk-ins”, where they kinda just… appear externally? like they just show up. sometimes we get a feeling of “huh. i think somebody might be here? or somebody might be showing up soon.” and have to rummage around for a while until they approach us or we find them. our walk-ins aren’t like, inherently aware of system stuff at first, so they usually get a crash course before they first front (if they choose to front at all) and it can be kinda entertaining. Rookie’s a walk-in! also Hiro, from a couple years ago. most of our walk-ins are fictives (fictional characters, usually appearing in response to us getting extremely attached to something or somebody) but a couple of our trauma splits are also fictives so that’s not like, a Rule or anything. i think these are mostly associated with non-traumatic systems but we get em fairly often so man idk

theres also… uh, i dunno what theyre actually called? we used to call them “constructs” but that sounds kind of mean. these alters exist to fill a specific role! and we usually dont talk about them on here with the exception of one major one, they just kinda hang out. Dhe exists to keep the system stable and manages the “backend” so to speak. Imp is kind of a mix of our intrusive & impulsive thoughts that came about from us trying to separate ourself from them so that we had an imaginary entity to go “nope!” at, which… stopped being imaginary, and is now a gremlin that lives in my brain. they can show up in response to trauma but arent split off of somebody, they kinda just pop into existence to help manage things.

the more… well-known, i guess? alter origin is “trauma splits”. rather than “just showing up one day with no real connection to the system origins”, trauma splits are formed when somebody in-system, uh, splits. it could be in response to a single situation or something built up over a long time, but somebody just kinda breaks and somebody new that has a bit of the original alter’s identity (if kinda influenced by the situation) shows up.

this can vary. All is a trauma split off of Leo himself, who got saddled with all of our brain hell about our ex and their insystem appearance is influenced more by eir than by leo which is… something they struggle with. Mae has a trauma split from a similar situation that is “Mae but from 2 years ago”, so basically her old identity before she reworked herself after getting put through total hell. and then uh… then there’s me and Mae! Icarus quite literally exploded into several people, with Pat (me) and Mae being the most distinct ones. we’re STILL finding out alters used to originally be a part of them that later evolved into their own people, like Summer and Toby. my identity is shaped pretty heavily not just by who Ica was at time of splitting, but also what they wanted to be jumbled together with trying to rationalize what was happening to them (they’re a pretty big fan of megaman star force, which has a media-typical system in it, so they leaned into hard “its like pat and rey from mmsf! i like pat, i wouldnt mind being like pat, its scary but im like one of my current favourite characters” and so i ended up being like, half-weird shapeshifter, half-green-haired prettyboy. and yeah thats where my name comes from!)

(Ica got put back together w/o anybody needing to integrate, which we were all very scared about, and it’s still kind of surreal to me because… me and Mae used to be able to stick ourself back together and thats how we found out about what happened to Ica in the first place? and we havent tried that since bc we have no idea what would happen. Ica 2: Ica Harder?)

despite their origins, trauma splits can be way more than… being a split. :V;; Toby’s not just a tiny splinter of Ica, he’s a quiet guy that gets stressed out and isn’t totally sure how to interact with people. i’ve existed for like 7 years at minimum and im a totally different person than i was when i thought i was still Ica, ‘cause ive had time to grow and change (and a problem Ica keeps running into now that theyre back is… they kinda Didn’t change because they were MIA for 6 years.) like everything else though this is variable– there can be “temporary” splits that dont develop properly and might get integrated back in, which has only happened to us when we were at the lowest point in our life where we were stuck constantly splitting to try and cope with whatever the hell was going on.

so Ica was gone for 6 years, which meant our system was without an original or main– there wasn’t anybody to be head of the system, basically. for a while i was operating under the assumption that i was Ica, so i filled in that role for a few years before i made the realization. eventually i kinda… stopped being able to, though, bc of stability issues, and then we were back to not really having a proper main anymore. to make up for it, we started going by Leo collectively and kinda… trying to pretend to be a single person? and so that ended up creating a construct to fill the role of “system main and the person we pretend to be when passing as singlet/not a system”: Leo himself! he’s kinda the most prominent traits we all have in common rolled into a single guy, which means that not only is he a pretty good system representative but we can also pretend to be him pretty easily (unless it’s someone like Toby who acts totally different). i dont know how common this situation is, i think normally it’s just “if system original is gone, another alter steps up” like originally happened to us before i had a severe case of problems disorder.

uhhh this is very rambley bc there’s a Lot to cover and now im trying to figure out how much of it i HAVE covered. systems are complicated and weird! OH WAIT okay i have one last bit.

so like, for us, first realizing we were a system was total hell. we fought a lot. as more alters showed up through various means, there were times where Ica felt like they were completely out of control of their own life bc of having to manage everything. there were a lot of panic attacks of people fronting and not being sure they were even REAL, despite… being in front. but we still felt like we were deluding ourself. this was in, like, late 2011, so systems weren’t a THING. they were a very fringe community that everyone hated. we got constantly harassed, which only fed into Ica’s panic hell and our identity issues. interpersonal relationships became a nightmare, especially because we have BPD as well which varies in severity for each of us but… for me it’s pretty bad! there were times early on where every day was another fun new breakdown from us arguing with each other or our friends or not being understood or… etc.

so… how are we holding up ~7 and a half years later? pretty well, actually! we talk to each other. we do things for each other, like buy food or games we know specific headmates like. Ica is back and way happier than they were in 2011, and is thrilled to get to hang out with everybody that’s showed up since. we help each other through problems, because at the end of the day our system ended up being a support network. Ica couldnt function on their own, so we’re like… 10+ people working together to try and be a single functional person. and we feel pretty okay with that! we still fight, and we still start shit, but we’re not in constant crisis anymore. we’re still working through all of our trauma, especially the more “recent” stuff that kinda broke our system for a while until we were able to start rebuilding, but we’re doing it together. :D

so… yeah, it can start out as a stereotypical “nightmare system”, with constant infighting and toxicity and self-sabotage and etc. but we worked through it! it took a while, but we’re overall more stable than we were before. we got out of the bad environment that was fucking us up, we got mental help for our other brain hell (we havent been able to bring up the system to our therapists bc its literally a non-issue now and we focus more on other things like our depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc), we found people that support us for being us, and we were able to like… figure things out. and it was a mess! i still have issues about my own identity because of literally thinking i was someone else for two years. Ica’s still trying to figure out how to adjust to things, especially bc they missed our entire “cringe culture” phase so they came back to find that i’d dismantled a lot of their middle-school settings. and, uh, some of their friendships as well.

systems are fuckin weird

#leo chirps #leos reply #system shit #i dont think i covered EVERYTHING #and im not sure how coherent this is #but i tried! :D #Anonymous #ask #pat.txt

9 notes · View notes