#im convinced shes not going to tell him about her cancer until she gets formally diagnosed in the hospital because shes in denial and will | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

blacksunscorpio · 4 years

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Scorp you're a genius! So relatable and I love how you don't judge others or anyone who comes to you for help. Keep it up! I just had to ask since I see that you make pop culture references to make analogies with astrology. You've mentioned GoT a few times and im a huge fan! Can you do a quick post on Game of Thrones characters and their potential zodiac signs? I'd love to hear your input! Thank you so much!!

Game of Thrones Characters & Their Zodiac Signs

Aries

Khal Drogo- Impulsive. Warlike. Bloodthirsty. Alpha. Conqueror. Hardcore athlete [did you see him on that horse?] Extremely sexual. Forceful. When he first meets Daenerys, he forces himself on her. Afterward, however, he is the first to go to war if he feels the people around him have been disrespected.

Aerys Targaryen- Impulsive, sadistic. Boastful. imperial. He would be the Emperor [reversed] in Tarot, lol. Not as good with being a tactician as he ought to have been. Cruel. Rage problems. The need to be the first and the best. Fire and blood, anyone?

Taurus

Maergery Tyrell - Classy, wealthy, sexy, laid-back, frank but with an air of elegance. Highgardeners have a love for the finer things in life. A love of fine wines and foods. Beautiful clothing and aesthetics. RICH RICH. Get on their bad side and they will take their time finding a way to subvert your authority.

Robert Baratheon- Love of luxury, bullheaded, strong, takes no shit. Fixed in his opinions of others, highkey jealous. In his youth, he enjoyed the gifts of Venus: Charm, wealth coming from the noble house of Baratheon, widely considered handsome by almost all in the 7 kingdoms.

Gemini

Tyrion Lannister- Silver-tongued. HIGHKEY intelligent. Social. Charming. Great sense of humor. A freak [in the sheets]. Chatty. Always finds his way out of a sticky situation. Finds a way to use his intel to bolster diplomacy between his family and the families who hate them.

Little Finger- Cunning, quick-witted, works behind the scenes, manipulative, a snake, jack of all trades. Top dog in the social circles of the 7 Kingdoms. There wasn’t a person who didn’t know of him and his... reputation. He singlehandedly, through his Machiavellian tactics, caused the events of Game of Thrones to unfold.

Cancer

Cersei Lannister- Protective, moody, caring [to her kids], motherly, cantankerous, jealous. A savage. People don’t give Cancer’s the credit they deserve in terms of what they’re capable of. Cersei is a prime example of the type of person who can show unrivaled levels of devotion to the one’s they love. “No one matters but us.” She can be cruel because she lets her emotions rule her actions. When her safety is threatened, she makes sure no one else feels safe either. She loves with a ferocity only rivaled by...

Catelyn Stark- Another mother who would die [quite literally] for her children. Fierce, Protective. Doting. JEALOUS. Let’s not forget how she treated Jon all because she believed Ned’s lie about him being a bastard. Followed her son into battle. Damn near lost her hands fighting off Bran’s would-be assassin.

Leo

Jaime Lannister- Proud. Handsome. Princely. Funny. We seem him go from underdeveloped Leo [arrogant, selfish, bully, prideful, snob, loyal to no one but himself] to developed [Kind, helpful, warm, honest]. Fought bears for his friends. Skilled and proud fighter even without the use of both his hands. Unfortunately, his loyalty caused him to stay loyal to his twin towards the end, but such is the nature of a Leo. They’re hard-pressed to abandon those they truly care for.

Brienne of Tarth- LOYAL. Proud. Devoted. A bit of a flare for drama especially brandishing her sword. Brienne is the definition of Leonine traits. Hard to miss. Devoted to those who show her kindness, i.e Renly, Catelyn, Jaime, Sansa, etc. Always at the front lines in war screaming “STAND YOUR GROUND”. Unrivaled levels of bravery and courage. Not to be fucked with. A true Queen.

Virgo

Samwell Tarley- Intelligent. Scholarly. Methodical. Always with his nose in a book. Unproblematic king. Caught the things everyone else missed, especially when he was an apprentice in Old Towne. Figured out how to cure Jorah Mormont’s affliction on his OWN without any formal training. Genius.

Lord Varys- Remember, Virgo is also ruled by Mercury who is the most cunning of the planetary rulers. Varys always had a spy to collect intel on everyone. A tactician. Never lost his temper. Always had the scoop but didn’t partake in gossip for gossip's sake. Not afraid to be critical or tell those “in charge” his opinion. We can see this specifically when he critiques Aerys, Daenerys, and Robert.

Libra

Davos Seaworth- a skilled diplomat. Davos is always seen seeking balance and fairness in the situations he finds himself in. The minute you see this man in a scene you know he’s going to give a moving speech and get someone out fo a sticky situation. He convinced the Iron Bank to support Stannis. Convinced Daenerys to entertain Jon Snow when they traveled to Dragonstone. Always breaking up a fight. He is in full support of law and order, especially when he called for Melisandre’s head after discovering her part in Shireen’s death [RIP.]

Rhaegar Targaryen- Had a love of music. Harmony. Balance. He brought two families together [Stark and Targaryen]. He was also blessed by Venus in my opinion because he was said to be extremely handsome. A fabulous singer. A fighter yes, but a lover first. Very good with diplomacy but not the best with defending himself against his cousin sign, Taurus [Robert Baratheon].

Scorpio

Daenerys Targaryen- Many see her as an Aries but I have to respectfully disagree. Daenerys is a Scorpio in my opinion. Remember, Scorpio is honorary fire. She was literally “reborn from the ashes”. A Phoenix, Scorpio’s final form. She went from a silent and meek girl to a skilled and commanding Empress. Unlike Arians, she did not jump headfirst into battle. It took many arrows in her dragons, many slights to her ego, copious council from her advisors, dozens of her loved ones lost for her to go nuclear. Like her father, she hungered for power, a very Scorpionic trait. However she, unlike her father, listened to reason [Jorah, Tyrion, and Barristan Selmy]. She had a long fuse until she didn’t, and then that’s when she rained fire and blood on everyone in King’s Landing. She was skilled at retribution and was unapologetic with it *cough* the Tarleys *cough*.. Unlike Arians who pop off at the drop of a hat, she gave her enemies fair warning if/when they crossed her.

Arya Stark- You already know what it is with this one. Arya is pretty much death [Pluto], personified. Stealthy. A tactician. VENGEFUL. I think we all fist-pumped when she served Filch Walder Frey his sons in that pie. Never forgets a slight. Keeps a list of people who’ve wronged her [All Scorpios can probably relate]. You never see her coming. She is “no-one”. She is the assassin that slips through the back. She may seem calm at first but trust that she has been planning your downfall for a while. LOYAL. The definition of a Scorpio.

Melisandre- Dark. Mysterious. Unafraid of the occult. So much of her life is unknown and I’m sure that’s how she preferred it. Even her Lord of light was mysterious. Strong supernatural abilities and highkey psychic. Knew immediately how many “eyes” Arya would “close.” Had ties to the underworld which is demonstrated with her ability to resurrect the dead. Came through at the clutch in the last battle wielding fire [Mars] with her witchcraft. It’s no secret that Scorpios are some of the most skilled in sorcery.

Sagittarius

Missandei- Exotic. From Naath which is an island just above the mysterious continent of Sothoryos. A world traveler. Lucky enough to escape slavery [until the end]. Jupiter's influence is here in my opinion because she is so kind and friendly. Also a polyglot and gifted with the ability to speak 19 languages. Her fire is seen at the end of the series when she tells her best friend “Dracarys”-- meaning “fire” in High Valyrian. She isn’t afraid to call wrath down on others.

Olenna Tyrell- Loud, unapologetically blunt, zero-filter, feisty. Olenna to me is the definition of Sagittarius. Always speaks her mind. Clap back queen. Will call you out. Was also quite promiscuous in her younger years. Very charismatic and extremely likable despite her penchant for saying whatever was on her mind.

Capricorn

Tywin Lannister- I can’t see the patriarch of the most notorious family in Westeros being anything other than a Capricorn. Methodical. Structured. Business-minded. Karmic [A "Lannister always repays his debts"] Cold. Cruel. Unfeeling. Like Saturn, he is the father figure. Basically ran the 7 Kingdoms for Aerys, [which was probably why the latter was so salty towards him.] Always has a plan. The man you want in charge if we’re strictly talking about law and order. Vindictive [had the mountain kill Elia because Rhaegar rejected Cersei.] He’s the ultimate son-of-a-bitch.

Jon Snow- Brooding hero that he is, Bae Jon Snow is without a doubt a Capricorn in my eyes. Duty-bound. Serious. A leader in his own right. Could also be cold and unfeeling in terms of distributing karmic justice. Lest we forget the “fetch-me-a-block” situation with Janos Slynt. In addition, the moment he was resurrected he took vengeance against the black brothers who betrayed him. Saturn, Like Pluto, is all about karmic justice. The beating he put on Ramsey after The Battle of the Bastards was one thousand percent a karmic beating. A proper lover as well, according to Ygritte, Jon also knew how to handle himself in the bedroom, a trait very akin to Capricorns.

Aquarius

Bran Stark- I thought about making Bran a Pisces, but then I changed my mind. Remember Uranus rules sudden insights and hardcore psychic receptivity. It also rules sudden and unexpected catastrophes or surprises/ sudden breaks. Bran suffered a literal “tower” moment at the beginning of the series which resulted in his psychic powers developing. Once he became the three-eyed raven, he became very detached from the world.

Grey Worm- Aquarius is also androgynous. Grey Worm is a eunuch. He is always down to fight for a cause though, specifically his queen’s. Cares about others, specifically Missandei, and was seen towards the latter season speaking up for the Unsullied against the slavers. Fierce combatant but also very detached. His job is his job.

Pisces

Jaqen H’ghar- Much like Neptune, Pisces’ ruler Jaqen has a mysterious and illusive personality. He wears “many faces”. Skilled at illusion and very very intuitive. Has a soft side though which is clearly seen with how he treats Arya. Hardly ever flies off the handle. Calm. Cool. Collected.

Hodor- Sweet and gentle giant, Hodor is a Pisces to me. Affected by psychic trauma, it’s revealed why “Hodor” is the only thing he can say. Calm. A bit of a baby. Caring. Easily adaptable [think of all the terrain he carried Bran through]

Eddard Stark- I don't care what anyone says, Ned stark to me represents the most developed form of a Pisces. Like the Hanged-Man in Tarot that represents sacrifice and which Neptune Rules, he willingly sacrificed his reputation as honorable for his sister, Lyanna. He later sacrifices himself for his children when he died at Joffrey’s [little bitch] command. He is wise. Though appears cold, he is actually a well of feeling and caring. Unfortunately, he also suffered from the naivety of Neptunian influence which is why he wasn’t very skilled at the Game of Thrones, which calls for more tactical ruthlessness. Pisceans however also have the rage of Poseidon flowing through their veins [which people like to forget]. This was displayed when he pinned Petyr Baelish to the Wall in King’s Landing for daring to dishonor Cat by inviting her into a Brothel. RIP, King Stark.

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keshetchai · 3 years

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personal posting / alcoholic parent mention / medical

first mentioning that im furious at my primary care for not referring me for a covid vaccine because she can’t...prove i have asthma, because ??? “just because i prescribed an inhaler doesn’t mean you have asthma.” like, ...okay, whatever. thanks.

unfortunately, i do not feel excited for pesach. I actually love pesach. but I love it in person, face to face, at a table of people. i can’t have that. that’s probably for the best because as much as I love pesach, I don’t love a holiday with four cups of wine as a central ritual when my low-contact/estranged father has been an alcoholic for 10+ years now and his poison of choice is red wine. he’s hit the stage where he is dying slowly, but that could last years or months. I don’t know.

late december he was formally diagnosed with covid-19, when we thought he’d already caught it early on. then after recovering he had a stomach surgery scheduled for a separate issue, and basically the hospital had to stop operating because he was bleeding too heavily as a result of his enlarged liver. they stopped with only a small percent of surgery done, and stabilized him a bit, and then he got transported back to the US. because he basically hit his healthcare limit from private insurance in another country. now he’s on VA stuff. i think they recently discharged him, or will discharge him in san diego.

his kidneys and liver are failing, in addition to major intestinal issues, his gallbladder needing removing, etc. i mean, he will absolutely die of liver failure if he drinks any more. but relapse is almost an inevitability after forced sobriety while hospitalized.

his siblings - my aunts and uncle - all finally realize truly how bad it is. my aunt karen is close enough we were able to talk (masked, in person) about why I am extremely low contact with my dad, why I was frustrated my aunts and uncle kept asking me if I’d heard from my dad...etc. because like, I don’t. we talk on birthdays, father’s day, maybe new years, maybe once about my brother.

i showed her my texts history where it was literally just

2020 - my birthday, his birthday, question about my brother.

before that was 2019, i think an exchange about getting me off of his cell phone plan formally.

i gave her all the sordid details, about his drinking when he had custody visitation with me and my brother, about telling my high school teachers he was not my custodial parent/an alcoholic/unreliable, how there were a serious of fracture points in our relationship that broke it bit by bit until finally in college he spent father’s day weekend trying to convince me to volunteer to kick myself out of his apartment where i’d been sleeping on an air mattress and working as a temp because his second wife decided to rant to him how much she hated me and wanted me gone. how i sent him an email calculating his alcohol expenses weekly and told him he owed me money. a million other little things... and she listened and understood and sympathized and was mad on my behalf.

but i sent an email informing her siblings also of some of this stuff, about my feeling that my dad needs rehab and that we can’t force him to go, and neither of them responded. and i know it got sent, because karen replied to my email too.

the other two have been silent. what hurts is that of course, my other aunt A did text me the other day, asking if i could join a family zoom meeting saturday night, with my dad, to check in on him. no response to anything I said about how I feel about my parent who is an addict and slowly dying, lmao. just join a zoom meeting. I had to pry to ask if it was like, going to be an ~intervention~ or something.

i was so relieved to be able to say “sorry, not this weekend. those are the first two nights of passover, I won’t be available.” i told her i could be there some other evening, but not to hold up everything on my account, even if my dad did ask if i would attend. i pity him, i do. but i can’t help but resent everything done, and what i learned when karen told me he inherited about $40,000 in early 2018? I think? and he’s spent it all. he was working and he still spent it. i know when my mom sued for back owed child support, he settled. I don’t think he paid up in full - which that inheritance might’ve done.

when my grandmother had lost an eye due to cancer, she also funded his trip to the ukraine to meet some woman. she needed that money to get a glass eye. but delayed it for her son. he ran out of money on this pointless trip and his siblings bailed him out. they’ve been paying for his plane tickets. he continued to ask his dying mother for money, until karen intervened a little, and even then...

he ran through forty thousand dollars after my grandma died. and didn’t think about anyone but himself with that money. my aunt basically - i mean in nicer words - explained i won’t inherit anything most likely, he probably doesn’t have assets anymore, and i was like, well, yeah.

...this sounds cold and awful but i have assumed for awhile my dad will die young and also that his siblings will have to pay for the funeral. even if i felt obligated to do something as his first born child -- I don’t have the money for funeral expenses, mostly because of him!

anyways i’m disappointed my family didn’t acknowledge anything i said, i’m sad pesach is going to be isolated again, i’ve been stressed about dealing with expectations about how i should feel about my dad dying, with digging up old resentment and hurt and having to think about him more than i ever normally do...

i finally submitted an intake form for the local jewish fam services therapy offerings and they were like “we don’t have openings now, we may in spring” today and i emailed back like “i’m fine waiting, it’s already spring....” time isn’t real anyways!

maybe i should look for other therapists right now but i wanted to go with jfs first lol. just. sigh.

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comphersjost · 5 years

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Contact (Four Times You Asked Him to Cuddle and the One Time He Asked You) ➸ Connor Brown

downtown connor brown babey! i honestly love this one so much i worked so hard on it and im really proud of how it turned out! i hope you enjoy!

words: 4.5k+

warnings: none really? a little angsty towards the end, a lot of cuddling and fluff and mutual pining. very brief mention of cancer and death in part IV

summary: you always need physical contact, always being touched and held by someone around you. when you’re left alone with Connor, the one you don’t really know too well, he’s really your only option before you go insane.

find my masterlist here

You needed physical contact. You craved it, actually. If someone wasn't touching you at any moment in time you were uncomfortable. It was okay for short periods of time but now it had been hours. You were currently in Mitch’s apartment, sitting curled up on his couch, and Mitch was out getting groceries. He'd left you with Connor fucking Brown and no one to cuddle or touch or hug or anything. And no fucking way were you going to ask Connor to cuddle you.

Well, maybe you were. You'd glanced over at Connor and least 6 times in the past 3 minutes, the lack of contact driving you insane. You've been shifting in your seat, unable to get comfortable, and your leg was shaking up and down so fast you thought it would fall off and you couldn't even focus on whatever episode of Brooklyn Nine-Nine Mitch had left on before he ran out to do some shopping. Steph or Mitch or Auston were usually touching you or letting you touch them in some way, but now you were here. Alone. With Connor. And you were going out of your mind.

“Connor?” you finally work up the courage to let out a weak whimper of his name.

“Took you long enough,” Connor hummed, turning his head to look at your confused face. He sighed. “You've been looking at me like you want to ask me something every 5 seconds. What's up Y/N?”

You look down at your hands, fiddling with your fingers. “Can I-would it be okay if-I-” you can't seem to find the right words until you look back up at him. “I just really need physical contact, like, all the time and was wondering if it would be okay with you if we cuddle?” You blurt out, the words rushing out so fast you're not sure if he understood you. It takes a second for the words to register with Connor, and he starts to blush.

“Yeah,” he breathes, lifting his arm for you to crawl over and tuck yourself under, “Of course, honey, c’mere.” You’ve never scooted across a couch so fast. Both you and Connor could feel the tension in your body flow out as your curled up with your head on his chest. “Hey,” Connor murmurs as your shaking slows down. His arm pulls you in closer to, situating you in his lap and your feet hanging off his thighs. “You okay?”

“Yeah.” Your head is laid on his broad chest, and you can hear his heartbeat thundering in your ear. “M’sorry to put you on the spot, just Mitch or Steph or Aus sometimes are usually there for me to-”

“Cuddle?” Connor chuckles, vibrations running through you at the rumble in his chest.

“Not necessarily,” you whine, trying to press yourself closer to ease the trembling in your body. “Just need them to touch me somehow, or let me touch them.”

Now that Connor thought about it, one of the three always was touching you in some way, whether holding your hand, or sitting in their lap, or hugging you from behind. He usually tried not to think about it, not liking the way seeing you with Auston or Mitch flared jealousy in the pit of his stomach. Yeah Mitch was in a relationship but still. Now things made more sense, but it didn't help settle the jealousy.

“Why didn't you ask me earlier?” he rests his cheek against your head, whispering into your ear.

“I don't know,” you murmured, embarrassed, “thought it might be weird ‘n I thought I could handle it, I guess. But it was driving me crazy.”

Connor only hums at your responds and says, “Don't be afraid to ask again.” You don't respond to that, letting your eyes flutter half-way closed to keep your eyes on the show that you could finally pay attention to.

It felt like hours that you stay there, tangled up in Connor’s arms. At some point, he had laid down, picking you up by the hips and holding you in the air while he shifted - holy shit he was so strong and so big - and then placed you back to lay on top of him, pulling your head back to lay on his chest.

You don't think you've ever been this comfortable cuddling with anyone else, not even Auston. You'd begun to feel sleepy when the door to Mitch’s apartment flew open with a slam.

“I’m back bitches!” Mitch cries and you scramble to get off of Connor. “How do we feel about- oh. I didn't realize you were-”

“We weren't!” you exclaim frantically. “It’s not - I’m not - we weren't-” Mitch has a smirk on his face and Connor’s eyes are wide, red hair tousled from how you'd been playing with it. “We weren't-”

“Relax, Y/N, I'm kidding,” Mitch laughs, “I get it, sometimes you just need to cuddle and I abandoned you with Connor.” With that, Mitch turned to walk into the kitchen and started to put away groceries. “Anyways, so Steph is coming over for dinner and I was thinking…”

You tune him out to look at Connor, he seems hurt at what Mitch said, and you realize that Marner’s choice of words wasn't exactly the best. “He didn't abandon me, Con,” you say softly, and he snaps his head towards you. “I didn't feel like that, I swear. I just - I felt weird about asking because - you've never - we've never, and I didn't know if you were gonna take it weird or-”

“Y/N,” Connor interrupts you with a hand covering yours. “It’s okay. I understand okay? And you're a good cuddler, whenever you need contact again, just tell me okay? I wouldn't be opposed - at all. Okay?”

“Okay, Con,” a smile plays on your lips. “Thank you.” Before you can talk yourself out of it, you lean over to press a soft kiss to his cheek before getting up to help Mitch put away groceries.

You don't look back. And you don't see Connor’s cheeks light up, or see him touch the spot where your lips were.

II.

Connor knew you were uncomfortable. Even with Auston’s arms wrapped around you while he flirted with some girl, you were tense. The blonde was glaring at you everytime she wasn't batting her eyelashes at Auston. You didn't like the attention, it made you anxious and you eventually had enough. Squirming out of Auston’s grip, you nudged him with your elbow.

“Get out of here,” you sighed, motioning to the girl when he looks at you with a frown. “I love you to death, thank you, but go home with her, Auston, she's about to kill me.”

“You're the best, angel!” Auston hugs you quickly, “I’ll make it up to you, I promise!”

You laugh quietly, turning back to lean on the bar of the club you'd been dragged out to. Mitch and Steph were nowhere to be seen - probably making out somewhere - and the thought of Connor hadn't even crossed your mind. You take the first empty stool at the bar and try to reel yourself back in, but your leg was starting to shake again and you felt empty.

“Hey,” a voice murmurs in your ear, giant arms wrapping around you from behind. You tense for a moment before breathing a sigh of relief when you realize who it is.

“Hey Con.” You lean back into him, letting your head fall on his shoulder.

“You okay?” Connor’s lips are by your ear, and even though he was touching you, his closeness was almost overwhelming.

“Yeah,” you say, your tone not convincing at all. “You?”

You feel him shrug. “Kinda wanna go home, too many people here.”

You turn in your seat, his arms still hold you. “Do you, maybe, wanna go back to mine? Just watch a movie and cuddle or something?” You feel ashamed that you're asking him, but you're a little buzzed right now and you want to be close to him for as long as you can.

“Yeah,” he smiles timidly at you. “That actually sounds perfect.” You grin at him, and then he's taking your hand and pulling you out of the club you'd been in with the team, dragging you towards his car. You laughed as you ran through the parking lot, scrambling into his car as quickly as you could.

“Ugh, that was exhausting,” you say as soon as you're on the road. “There's so many people, and Steph and Mitch were like teenagers, oh and that girl that Auston was flirting with looked like she wanted to fucking kill me.”

Connor burst out a laugh, keeping one hand on the wheel and placing the other hand in the middle of your seats. “Yeah, it’s overwhelming sometimes huh?” You blink at the way he placed his hand palm up, it seems like an offer. You take it, pulling his hand into your lap. You smile over at him while you play with his fingers, only to see him already sneaking glances at you.

“It's so overwhelming,” you whine quietly.

Connor’s only been to your apartment a handful of times but the way he's driving over there it almost seems like he makes the trip on a daily basis.

The moment you get up to your apartment, you're getting changed into leggings and a t-shirt, handing Connor a pair of sweatpants and a shirt that Mitch had left at yours in case he wanted to crash there. When you go back into your bedroom to get a hoodie, you ignore the way that his formal clothes are laying on the floor as if they belong there. As if they’d been there for a long time.

The moment both of you are changed and comfortable you're laying on top of Connor on your couch, a Netflix movie playing on the TV. You ignore the heat that you feel from his hand when it slips under your hoodie and t-shirt to hold you to him. You try to ignore the way he strokes your hair and nuzzles his face into your neck from time to time. And you ignore the feeling that this the way that things are supposed to be.

III.

To say that Connor was surprised to see you at his door was an understatement. Your mascara was smudged and your hair was a little messed, but you up but holy fuck you were still beautiful.

“Y/N,” he blink in surprise when he swings the door open. “Hey, what's up?” You don't answer, pushing past him into his apartment. You grab his hand and barely take your shoes off before your dragging him through his apartment to his bedroom. You let go of his hand for a moment to unzip your hoodie and throw it on the floor.

It's only when you're crawling under the covers of Connor’s bed that he breaks out of his stupor. You raise an eyebrow at him, waiting for him to join you. You notice for the first time that he’s wearing a worn-out t-shirt and flannel pajama bottoms. A smile plays on Connor’s lips when he reaches behind his back and pulls his shirt over his head and lets it drop to the ground. Your lips part in shock for a moment, but he sees it.

“What?” he challenges you with a smirk. “It’s my house and my bed and I’m gonna be as comfortable as I want.”

“That’s fair,” you shrug. “Now c’mere, I wanna cuddle.” You pout for a moment, causing him to chuckle. You try not to stare at his bare chest as he crawls into bed next you. When he pulls you into his body, you notice that he's so warm that you can feel the heat radiating off of him even through your thin cotton shirt. This is the first time you've cuddled against his bare skin, and it’s intoxicating to feel him against you.

You feel safe in Connor’s arms. You feel like home. And you want to kiss him so badly. Before you can put together a list in your head of why you absolutely should not kiss him, Connor speaks.

“What's up? What happened?” You groan quietly and bury your face in the crook of his neck.

“An old…” you pause for a moment, not sure what to call Jaxon, “acquaintance from high school was in town and wanted to get coffee. I thought he might’ve changed since I last saw him and I said yes. He got a little touchy, not in a good way.” Your words come out muffled, seeing as your mouth was squished in the spot between his neck and his shoulder, but you still feel him tense.

“I’ll kill him,” Connor growls. Shit, that was hot. “I swear to God, if he ever touches you again I’ll fucking murder him.”

“Woah, hey.” You lift your head to look Connor in the eye. You reach up to smooth out the wrinkles on his forehead from how deeply his eyebrows were furrowed. You lay a hand on his cheek, watching as his frown lessens a bit. “He doesn't deserve my time, Con, much less yours.” Your thumb strokes across his cheek, under his eye, before you realize how intimate this whole situation is.

Your eyes widen before you move to pull your hand away. Before you can, Connor catches your wrist places your hand on the side of his neck. By habit, your fingers curl around the back of his neck, threading through his hair. You lay your head back down, not seeing Connor’s eyes flicker to your lips for just a moment.

You're feeling rather bold, however, and press a soft kiss to Connor’s bare shoulder, mumbling a soft thank you. Connor says nothing, but his arms tighten around you and he lays his head against yours.

As you both drift off to sleep, he can't help but think that he's so screwed.

IV.

I need you. Can you come over? The moment Connor gets the text he's pulling on a hoodie and grabbing his keys.

On my way. comes his responds not even a minute after you hit send. You'd never actively texted or called Connor first when you needed something. He was always a last resort, something you're not sure if he knew. But somehow the ginger had wormed his way into your heart and to the top of your list.

He’d recently been the one you reached for out of instinct. When the team was hanging out at someone’s house, or after a game or event, or when you both got tired of the crowdedness of a bar. Connor was kind, and warm, and he felt safe. And you needed him.

15 minutes after you’d sent the text, there was a knock on your door. You scrambled to get the door, pulling Connor in by the arm as soon as the door is open. “Con,” you mumble against his chest, trying to get him as close as possible. Connor’s thick arms wrap around you, holding you impossibly tight.

“Hey, hey, hey, sweetheart, what is it? What’s wrong?” Connor’s voice is laced with so much concern that it makes you emotional, amd it takes a moment for him to register the shaking of your body as crying. He snaps out of his daze when you sniff softly against his chest. “Oh, fuck, honey, no.”

Your throat feels swollen, you can’t speak, so you nuzzle deeper into him. Connor slowly walks you back towards your bedroom, fumbling to lock the door with a one hand without looking, and keeping his arms wrapped around you. He just takes his shoes off as you let yourself fall on to the bed in his arms.

“Baby,” Connor whispers, “baby, what is it? What's wrong?” You sob against him, curling up against him to try and block everything else out. This is the first time Connor has seen you cry, much less this distraught, and it hurts him to see you in so much pain.

“Please, Y/N,” Connor pleads, “just-just talk to me, how can I make this better?”

“Just hold me, please, Connor.” Your voice sounds so weak and broken and Connor would burn even the world down in its entirety if it’s causing you pain. “Please, I can’t lose you too.” Your words make Connor remember you telling Mitch about a childhood friend of yours two weeks prior. She was sick, and they’d run out of options. You just hadn't expected this so soon.

“Oh honey, she’s gone isn't she?” You only sob harder at that. “I’m never leaving you. I swear, Y/N, I’m right here, I promise you’ll never lose me.”

You’re laying there for hours before your sobs finally come to a stop. Connor has held you the entire time, the pressure encircling you helping calm you down even just a little bit.

“Connor?” you finally whimpered, voice raw after hours of crying.

“Yeah?” he hums softly, his eyes staying trained on the ceiling.

“Connor,” you say, stronger this time. He turns to look down at you, only for his lips to meet your mouth. He groans as your lips move against him, one hand coming up to cup to your neck.

Your mouth is soft and needy, and the whimpers that are escaping are addictive.

“Fuck,” he hisses against your lips, “fuck, I never thought-we can’t-Y/N.”

“Con.” Your mouth is back on his to cut him off, desperate to be close to him. His jaw is jutting gently against yours as he moves, as if drawing something from you.

“Y/N, wait,” he moans softly, pulling back, “we can’t.”

Your eyes widen. “Fuck, I-I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-” you scramble to untangle yourself from Connor’s body before he stops you and pulls you back into him.

“It’s okay, darlin’, it’s alright,” he murmurs against your hair. “Let’s just talk about this when you’re not grieving okay?”

You relent and bury your head back into his neck. You never did talk about it.

You and Connor hadn't talked about the kiss since it happened 3 weeks ago. He was there for you when you needed him, let you go through your grieving process with him and your other friends by his side. But other than that, your relationship had remained strictly platonic. Soft kisses on the cheek were exchanged here and there but that was the extent of it. But holy fuck, you wanted to kiss him again so badly.

He wanted to kiss you, too, but he’d been holding back, pulling away from you emotionally and trying to bury his feelings. Connor thought that the kiss came from your grief, that you just needed comfort at the time, and he refused to believe that you reciprocate his feelings for you.

Sleep didn't come easy for you lately; it never did but the past few days especially. The boys were on a road trip, and Steph had gone to visit her family. You missed your friends, not just the contact, but them. But most of all, you missed Connor. Yeah you missed his hugs, and cuddling with his 6’0 frame, but you also missed his voice, and his eyes, and his jokes, and the way he laughed at the dumb things the boys would do. You missed him a lot.

So at 3 am when Connor’s name flashes across your phone screen, you feel overrun with panic. The boys had just gotten back the night before, and you assumed that he would be catching up on sleep, so you had sent a simple text when you knew his plane landed saying good job on the roadie! proud of you. You hesitate for a moment before picking up the phone.

“Hey,” you breathe when you lift the phone to your ear. “Connor, how are you?”

“Oh,” Connor sounds surprised, and your heart sinks for a moment. “Hi, I-I didn't think you’d be awake.”

“Well, I am,” you reply. “Everything okay? I thought you’d be sleeping.”

“I thought you were sleeping,” he chirps back, causing you to laugh softly.

You hesitate for a moment. “I actually, haven't really been sleeping much lately.”

“Oh, why? Are you okay? Is something wrong?” Connor sounds so worried and concerned that it almost makes you angry. Who is he to play with your feelings like this?

“I don't know,” you restraint yourself from snapping at him. “It just happens sometimes.”

“Oh.” You were getting really sick of that.

You sighed, “Look, Connor, is there a reason you called me at 3 in the morning?” Connor stutters for a second at the question.

“I-uh, I really just, I wanted to hear your voice.” The confession leaves you a little breathless. Is he serious? He speaks again, softer this time. “I miss you.”

“Connor are you drunk?”

“What? No.” He sounds kind of offended it almost makes you laugh. There's shuffling in the background and you think he must be moving from wherever he was sitting or laying. He sighs again. “Listen, I, do you - can you come over? You don't have to - obviously - but I -”

“Give me 15 minutes,” you say, cutting of his rambling. The line clicks before he has a chance to respond.

You’re knocking softly at his door 14 minutes later. He opens it and you can’t help but stare at him. He looks like hell but damn, he's as attractive as ever. He’s wearing a worn Leafs shirt and black sweats, his red hair is all messy and there are bags under his eyes.

“You said 15 minutes,” he grumbles, pulling you into his chest. “It’s been 14.”

“I don't know why you’re complaining, I got here faster than expected,” you quip back. He only hums, dropping his head to rest on your shoulder. He unzips your hoodie and drags it off of you, leaving you in only a pair of his sweatpants that he’d left at your place 2 weeks ago and a black sports bra. You shudder when he presses a soft kiss to your bare shoulder.

“I missed you so much,” he whispers against your skin. Another kiss. “I couldn't sleep without you on the road.” Another kiss.

“Connor.” The warning in your voice is clear, but he only presses one more kiss to your shoulder and extracts himself from you. Taking your hand he pulls you along with him towards his bedroom. And - is that? Is he? “Connor, why are you limping?”

His hand tightens around yours, but he doesn't look back, kicking the door closed behind him as you both enter the bedroom. “It’s nothing, just got hit kinda hard,” he mumbles.

“Connor,” you pull him back, making him stop in the middle of the room. You reach out to touch his face, noticing a cut above his eyebrow that you hadn't seen before. You run your fingers along the cut, then down to his jaw. “What happened?”

Connor sighs. “You saw the fight?” Of course you did, Connor had launched himself at Sidney Crosby to defend Morgan.

“Yeah, but I didn't realize-”

“It was this bad?” he smiles sadly. “Yeah it was bad, no one really knew it was until we were on the plane home.”

“Oh, fuck, Con, why didn't you say something?” You step closer to him, now having to crane your neck to look him in the eye.

“I just wanted to go home, Y/N,” he says, sounding defeated. “I just wanted to go home and see you.” You freeze when his hands come up to cup your face. His hands are so big, they pretty much cover your entire face.

“Connor…”

“Listen to me,” he pleads. “I can't - please I just - I can't stop thinking about you, I can't stop thinking about that kiss and the way that you felt. I thought that maybe, maybe it meant as much to you as it did to me, but maybe you just needed me to be there for you, and I tried to be, I tried so hard, but I - Y/N I need you. I’m falling in love with you, Y/N. I want to kiss you all the time, and I want to be able to touch you because I just want to, and not wait for you to ask me to hold you. And when I come home, Y/N, I want to come home to you.”

“Connor-”

“Please.” Connor squeezes his eyes shut, and he sounds broken, defeated, desperate. “I love you.”

You reach up to nudge your nose against his. “Connor.” You feel his breath catch against your mouth, and you lean up further to fit your lips together. He lets out a soft whimper when your mouths press together softly. You hum in response, curling your fingers around his neck to tangle in his hair.

Your lips are like pieces of a puzzle, they fit perfectly together, made for each other. His thumbs swipe across your cheeks, incredibly soft for how huge they are - how huge he is. His hands slide down from your face to your hips. And then he bends to grip your thighs and pick you up so that your legs are wrapped around his waist - well, more around his abs than his hips. You break away from him for a moment to gasp Connor’s name against his lips before he’s kissing you again. Fuck he's so good.

You pull your mouth away from his to trail kisses down his neck. “I can't stop thinking about you either,” you whisper at you mouth at his jaw. “Can’t get you out of my head, been wanting to kiss you for months.” He lets out a moan at the words, and then again when your teeth scrape against his pulse. “Thought you didn't want to kiss me after the first time. I thought you didn't feel the same.”

“Baby,” he moans as you slide your tongue along his skin. “I love you. I’m sorry I made you feel like that.”

“Don't apologize,” you murmur. “Can I-?”

“Leave a mark,” he moans, “Mark me up as much as you want, I’m yours.” You whimper at his words, taking his invitation immediately and sucking a bruise into his collarbone. You leave more marks, reveling in the noises falling from his lips. “Can I just hold you? And kiss you?” Connor sounds hesitant, as if expecting you to say no.

“Yeah,” you breathe, lifting your head to kiss him again. Connor moves the two of you onto his bed, laying back so that you’re laying on top of him. He tilts your chin up to press his lips against yours.

“What the fuck?” you say, staring at him. He raises an eyebrow expectantly, waiting for you to elaborate. “You’re so pretty.” Connor laughs suddenly.

“What?”

“You're just, you look really good like this,” you mumble shyly. “With your hair all messed up and you’re blushing and you have hickies everywhere and -” He shuts up your rambling with a kiss.

“You’re beautiful, so fucking gorgeous,” he moves back to stare at you, his eyes moving to look at you with soft, loving eyes. “I can’t believe you’re here.”

You panic for a moment. “Oh shit, Connor, I love you too by the way.” He giggles - actually giggles - and presses his lips to yours.

The two of you spend the rest of the night just kissing to make up for lost time, whispering I love you’s against each other’s skin.

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