MARK LEE / SMOOTHIE (240328)

“tall, broad, plaid button-upped and puffy-vested Namjoon isn’t exactly hard to miss,”

oh im about to say something very uncouth unclassy and far from PG-13

Ugh, I like to leave things open enough so that you can fill in the scene with the details that you like, but I saw Namjoon in dark jeans, a red plaid button-up, a navy blue puffy vest with a warm and fuzzy insulation panel inside, a matching navy blue beanie, classic Timbs --- uggghhh, like, full-on Desus and Mero / 90s real hip-hop / I'm either from The Bronx or the northeastern US energy. He even takes his beanie off at some point and his short, cropped, dark hair is all floofy from the heat 🥺

i actually commend him today. a legitimate issue between us is the fact that the weed we have ends up being shared between us but no one knows who smokes what amount or when and its just like stoners arguing about a weed bag which is asinine after awhile - its your word vs theirs. but i did smoke his weed this weekend / this week. im smoking it now. to be fair, its one of the ways i help create equality - for a long time i did not get what i want, and i dont really think i am so this is something ive done but its time to mature out of it and set a better example. its a very uncouth/unclassy thing to do. he was angry this morning and reiterated thst hes told me a number of times and that this is a giant inconvinience to him and it means i have to see him etc. but i also felt like it was a very controlled response to a legitimate thing i am doing to him in some ways. it wssnt like this random outburst of emotion - it felt much more straightforward and i feel that there were things he had to take into account - the fact that i do buy weed and it gets mixed in with his. or the fact ive given him 40$+ since the beginning of may and have paid for a nunber of things. the fact i continually offer him money or weed replacement. he repeated thst it was an inconvinience and that he didnt want to worry about it so stop smoking it. and fine - this time it feels different because hes not adding on "but i dont really care about it" - or watching as i smoke it and saying nothing. i can even appreciate that this comes at a time when im more likely to be able to afford my own in the future. which is why i dont believe its a huge issue to just pay it back. i told him i could just drop it off in the mailbox - which honestlt is more convinient for me because after three days of sitting st his house in the evening, im actually ready to just chill at home. or do other things. i appreciate that he used his time on projects and that i downloaded a dozen movies - the fact i have them honestly settles my anxiety because i know i dont have a lot of options. today is a studio day at the gallery, i have a cleaning job i feel well eniugh for out of the city and i havent seen our mutual friend since the weekend. i also promised to have drinks with another friend if she needed it. so i was naturally inclined to be distracted by things not involving him to begin with and taking a walk up to his house in the evening is just nice to enjoy the weather and go for a walk, or maybe get a drive from our mutual friend. what i dont appreciate about him is that he. reates these scenarios as giant ones that are end of his world. its an exaggeration thats really unnecessary but i know its becsuse alot of people have taken advantage of him. so ive always tried to give to the best of my abilities if i choose to take from him more than he is giving willingly. instead of dragging it out - i apologized. he told me sorry was not much because i did it anyways and continue doing it. i told him the only thing i can do is apologize and bring him back something in return, which could be done casually and without fanfare. it shouldnt be unusual to say something like, " oh will you be home? should i drop it off somewhere? ". he decided to drive me home before getting ready for work which i also appreciate because it meant that he was choosing to end the conversation without making a huge scene. it wasnt leading to this is break uo im not seeing u fuck u etc. it didnt include this so to me it felt like it was actually serious. like i could take this at face value and accept it as is and any further consequences from it. he just choose to end it. and our car ride was silent, which was fine - theres nothing else to say. i understand i did a thing that bothers him on legitimate levels and i can only be sorry for it and pay back whats owed. its very basic. but what i also appreciated was that when we got to my place i told him that i was sorry i continued to smoke his weed and i was sorry he was angry; not in a condescending way but just an apology that an action of mine caused him to feel anger in the day and that i would drop off weed in his mailbox tonight; he just needed to trust that i would pay him back. he said alright, give me a kiss, i have to go. which is very.. amazing. as we drove i kind of apologized to nyself that i was involved in an anxiety provoking situation in the morning and that i was causing harm to the success of my day but it wasnt the worst thing. so to end it on a peaceful note instead of no fuck u i dont want it i dont want to see you... im really grateful. i might even write a note with my drop off and like.. applaud him for making an effort not to be sooo... like he hss been. i dont know, this was very easily an opening for him to be like fuck it im done this is the last time its not worth it we just went through this. but he let it be and he wanted to trust in some ways that id pay him back and i wasnt ungrateful and i wasnt trying to take advantage of him and not acknowledge what i was taking. i am not an enemy. and after such a battle where nothing has been spoken about it since or ever came to a real conclusion.. its truly amazing this is how we are operating. i dont feel negativity. there are certain things i need to do in life anyways and i feel like by him not exagggerating this to a "break up" and dragging in all these random delusions of how i act and what we are that its actually taking seriously the probability of us remaining together. and if we are remaining together then this is not okay. temoorarily? whatever, minor expense. long term? not okay. and just this like little bit makes me feel better about things because i came to realize that there is absolutely no trust with him. he has also been hurt so many times that he operates at full protection mode all the time. when i said thst he hsd to trust id pay him back, as the words came out i realized they carried a heaviness. he did not trust i would pay him back. he did not trust that i wasnt taking sdvantage of him or trying to take up all his time. but ive never done this. to get here, its taken consistency. despite my overall instability, i am probably the most consistent thing in his life right now besides his mother. and my reactions have remained consistent and i really do want to control my habit at that level and stop smoking it now. i am truly amazed. i think after the last bit and the fact no one is talking about it made him realize hes here to stay. its "not a relationship" is now a joke, a funny belief of the past. it is love because i stood and took your abuse; not purposeful abuse, but being side swiped by an inability to control themselves. and i think hes smsrt enough to know that we are equals. he has had to carry me and stand thriugh and put up with anxiety because of me and i have done the same for him in times that are mentally very hard and even physically hard. i think its easy to say this is my boyfriend. this is my girlfriend. this is a relationship. but what does that even mean? my partner in life. to me, for the first time as an adult, i believe this might be setting ground work for a defining relationship in my life that is so enormous in what it could be that it simply cannot be done in fast forward. to be fair, i actuslly dont reallllyyy want to live with him right now. the comfort and safety of being able to leave when hes unbareable is so much better than being stuck. but what if that changes? what if his methods of expression become bareable? ive never seen someone grow. to make choices above the base one. but i know it happens. and to see this choice is inspiring and makes me want to make better choices. i feel about as bad for smoking his weed as he does for all the times he told me this isnt a relationship. i dont have guilt, unfortunately. i doubt he does either. but it can stop. on both sides it can stop and once it does, it doesnt need to be discussed or held on to. im hoping to watch a movie & get ready for my cleaning job but im 95% thsre - 5% wants to stay home and sleep but i want to atleast try to live my idealized version of the day becsuse i was given an idealized resolution this morning.

hot take and i might sound like an anti but jennie was dumb as hell for taking that role in the idol because if she wanted an acting debut she could’ve gotten way better scripts in a role that isn’t using her for 5 minutes per episode for clout. they wanted jennie because they know blinks blindly support them and as someone w morals and integrity i am not watching that show that glamorizes abuse and it’s basically a r*pe fantasy for men. I have already seen how the show is enabling abusers to feel like their actions are edgy. it’s not even me being a “puritan” but the whole show is so unclassy and trashy and jennie has enough of a platform already so she didn’t need this. it does nothing beneficial for her career.

and this also makes me question bp as a group. I like the girls. I do. but blinks need to have the conversation that their “feminism” is bullshit. it’s a marketing tool but they couldn’t care less about giving an actual message to women. their songs are about how rich, hot, skinny and unbothered and better than you they are, written by teddy. jennie’s friend circle is trash and problematic. they are using her for clout.

there’s so many things wrong w bp as a group and just jennies acting debut in general and i am not the type to blindly support them. blinks are the only ones posting about the idol which is frankly embarrassing.

well i don’t love her involvement either but i believe she joined with the original script/storyline, so im positive that when she agreed to participate she didn’t know this was going to be it. however i do also think that she could have taken a look at who else was involved in the cast and direction and realized this probably wasn’t a good project, but i don’t think she thinks of this role as her long awaited debut as an actress - she probably just saw this as a fun little opportunity to do something new so i don’t think she was looking for quality

re: your feminism point. sorry but i really hate when people say that about the pinks bcs they’ve never proclaimed themselves as feminist icons or whatever (nor has yg tried to market them as such ???). they just release their fun cunty little songs and then call it a day, the feminist image has been given them by their fans but didnt come from the girls (and it certainly wasn’t a marketing tool bcs a kpop marketing themselves as “feminist” ? lord help them)

also i dislike some of her friends as well, but singling her (or any pinks’) out for having problematic friends is not a very helpful point bcs every celebrity who engages with/in the western industry has ties with someone problematic, so judging a celebrity for whom they hang out with is kind of moot

anw at the end of the day i think you’re free to think whatever pleases you! i just disagree :)