-TO ALL THE ONLINE FRIENDS I WISH I COULD HUG-

If it weren’t for the distance I could hold you, I could tuck you under my chin like we both want. I could feel your flesh beneath my fingers And the vibration of your throat as you hum.

It would be warm, it would be tender, The day slithering away from the softness of the bed. We’d mutter promises and utter secrets Like the time together could never end.

If it weren’t for the distance, we’d be close, But there’s miles of land and leagues of sea Set right between you and me.

hello hello, i am autistic with my special interests being psychology and philosophy and because I'm super into activism and social justice issues as well a lot of my conversations with friends always go in the direction of talking about trauma and classism racism ableism, all the isms and i've had trouble keeping relationships because i'm a "bummer". i don't think im necessarily being negative or trauma dumping but i'm just talking about these things that i think about all the time that interest me and they just so happen to be very sad topics. while i know that i should embrace my special interests and enjoy them however i want i also am aware that constantly talking about sad things and everything wrong in the world is emotionally taxing and draining on the people around me. do you have any advice for helping to change subjects? i've tried talking about more light hearted things but they aren't my special interests and i get bored easily...

I relate to this a lot, and it's a problem I see play out in some of my relationships. Without meaning to, we sometimes get into a mutual downward spiral of only talking about bleak things.

My suggestion is to get you and your friends together for some activities. Not a video game that you can play passively while still discussing the looming threat of climate change or that horrible self-esteem ruining thing your dad once said. Challenging, dynamic, hands-on activities that either have to be discussed while you are doing them, or that are so labor intensive that they prevent you talking in depth while engaging in them.

many Autistics tend to be indoorsy nerds and so we miss out on the genuine bonding experience that is playing on a sports team with someone, for instance. You barely have to speak but you develop a real sense of trust in and gratitude for one another and learn to read one another on an instinctual feeling non verbal level. and you feel the genuine reward of accomplishing something with support, which is something many of us are not familiar with.

I'm uncoordinated as shit, i was in special ed gym, so im not saying it has to be joining the local intramural soccer team. It can be things like building a complicated lego set, organizing records or comic books, helping someone clean out their house, developing a wiki or database of some kind for a fandom or mutual interest, tending to a garden, volunteering at a soup kitchen, visiting a museum, babysitting someone's kids, power washing the deck, going for a jog, visiting an unfamiliar nature trail and documenting the plant life, giving someone a manicure, anything that is challenging and collaborative and ideally somewhat tactile (because most of us are really damn dissociated from our bodies and from physical space).

I used to really discount any form of connection that was not rooted in the exchange of ideas and really intense personal disclosures. I thought everything else was superficial, dull, and not "real". i was so incredibly fucking wrong. i love discussing complex topics and connecting over real raw shit with people but life cannot be all or only that. and there are real, valuable, loving connections to be found in getting a team together to tear down the sets after the end of a play, learning a complicated dance routine with somebody, having someone teach you how to sew for the very first time. and then talking about it. you wont like everything you try but some of these activities will hook you enough that theyll become an interest you can make pleasant conversation about too.

I need us as a society to talk more about ohm's amazing acting choices for pat and I love all the posts I read this week and in particular the complexity he added to him. THE LAYERS. but you know the layer I love the most? His softness. Because oh god do I love getting lost in that amazing part of pat. The way he acts, the way he speaks and his mannerism in those moments are chef's kiss. You always talk about how pat is pure like he was never touched by the horrible world around him and that's such a perfect description. But he is also soft as hell. And isn't afraid to show it too. I was just watching the bus stop scene and the guitar one in ep3 and you can see I'm going through it. I love everything ohm gave to pat. That man is brilliant.

*rolls up sleeves* oh dear precious anon you have given me the chance to rant and rant i will. strap in.

ohm is something else. seriously. i cannot even begin to go about expressing how much adoration i have for this man and what he gave to us through pat. its astounding. im gonna reference what ohm said in the ep 12 reaction on jennie's yt channel just bc its fresh in my mind and bc it perfectly captures the things i wanna praise ohm for. he spoke about how pat is very much like him, we've heard him say this a billion times, and its very obvious they are similar types of people in the way they behave; playful, silly, tactile, but also very frank and honest and serious when its called for, when important things are happening or being discussed, or when they're sharing their emotions. but ohm also said two things i wanna focus in on; how pat can act like this given the background he has, a background very different to ohm's, and how ohm can make people think the person on screen is pat, not ohm. and its funny, bc i think these things feed into each other and made him successful in both.

i feel like pat's background is something ohm dug into a lot and really studied and considered and built up to deliver his performance. he wanted that through line so he could deliver a fully realised pat, he needed to figure out why, despite his upbringing and family situation and his father and the feud and so on, pat could be so cheerful and goofy and care-free on the surface. im not exactly sure what that through line is, but whats important is that i see it. i see that pat is not a bunch of separate people or personalities. there isn't the pat with pran, the pat with his friends and the pat with his father; they're all pat. yes his behaviour shifts but all his personality traits mix and affect each other. nothing is is simple, nothing is by the book, nothing is just as it seems on the cover. everything has this air of something else underlying it, bubbling under the surface. im not even sure how to perfectly describe it, its just there (i hope you know i actually just sat and cried for 5 mins bc i was just thinking about pat too much and it broke me but we continue).

you can see that pat is not just a one dimensional set of descriptors pilled into a body. he is a person, a living breathing human. you can see what his core personality traits are and how they have been altered by his childhood and his current environment, by the people he's known and knows now, and how they manifest differently in certain situations and around certain characters. its like... when he's with pran, hes adorable and smiley but that pang of pain and loneliness and hatred for the world and press of expectations never fully goes away. and even when he's at his saddest or angriest, that innate kindness and care and goodness in his heart is still present. sometimes you look at him and just see a kid that wanted a friend, but instead was moulded into something he didnt want to be, and yet he still holds on to the warmth and want for happiness thats so integral to him. and i think its so incredible that we see him in so many ways, in so many different lights; happy, sad, angry, cheeky, horny, hurt, jealous, excited, in love etc, and they're all pat. none of them are shocking, none of the ways he acts when feeling these emotions feel un-pat-like. i rlly dont know how he does it, but its just like pat will do something, react a certain way in a new situation and i'll just be like 'yeah, ofc he'd act like that, he's pat, thats what pat would do'. nothing is out of character, everything makes sense!! its so well thought out and crafted, but you can tell all that work was done beforehand so it could be ingrained into the performance, which allowed ohm to act so naturally and impulsively, bc he was living that character. he wasnt thinking 'what would pat do?' bc he already knew. he is pat and this is what pat does. its just AMAZING.

and as for his softness, i rlly rllyyyyy RLLLYYYYY adore this aspect of pat. it would've been so easy, given the kind of role he's fulfilling, to make pat very trope-ey. he could've been a jock/boy's boy/hot-head that is only softened by love, who only reveals that side to his lover, bc its his lover that brings it out of him. very much a man's man that will only act cute with his boyfriend much to his own embarrassment and at the sacrifice of manliness. but pat is so so soooooo far from this. his cute and soft demeanour is just pat. yes he's like it the most around pran, but you see him be goofy and sweet and kind with pa and his mom, he's like it when he goes home in ep 12 much to the annoyance of his father. he's dumb and playful with his friends in similar ways he is with pran and it shows us that this is pat, not just pat with pran, it’s who he always is, it’s just he shines brightest with pran. and i love that this softness is so integral and central to a character who is also very manly. i spoke before about how I don’t pats ‘manly’ aspects are just present bc of his fathers expectations, I think that rlly is pat, and I love that he can be all those typically manly things while also being so cute and adorable, and also while being caring and thoughtful and emotional and open. toxic masculinity is all about men feeling like they can’t open up, can’t be vulnerable, can’t be soft, they must be strong and stable 24/7. pat shows us that that’s just not true.

you are not any more of a man bc you hold your feelings in. christ, pat’s whole thing is that he can’t sit with his emotions, he has to be open and honest, it’s like a compulsion. and he doesn’t see being vulnerable and honest as a weakness or a sacrifice, he sees as something he needs in order to live fully. he truly wears his heart on his sleeve, but in a way where he’s almost adamant that he will feel and think and live how he wants. all his emotions are right there and he will feel them and share them bc otherwise he feels like he’s living half a life, and as someone who probably had to hide so much as a child, I can so see where that desire and will comes from. and that kind of resilience matched with his cuteness is perfection. bc it’s like his softness is defiant, his adorableness is an unconscious statement that he will live every moment with pure joy. he will not hide, he will not restrict, he will not pretend. that does not make him the man he is. he will play stupid games and pull cute faces and say his cheesy one liners bc for him, being a man is about sharing the kindness and happiness in his heart with the world, creating a warmer and brighter place for the people around him, and I just find that so admirable.

we go on and on about pat being best boy, but it’s so overwhelmingly true, bc i sincerely believe he’s such a great role model for how to just live. live happy and and honest and whole. and i think if we all just lived a little bit more like pat the world would be such a kinder place, and that’s something i can’t thank ohm enough for.

moments when the writers forgot that perwaine wasn’t meant to be canon

if this show was made like 5 years later than it was, gwaine and percival WOULD have been the canon side couple and not just the semi-canon side couple. but they’re semi-canon for the following reasons:

gwaine, before he has even laid eyes on percival, knowing nothing more than this guy is capable of causing a giant fucking rockfall: i’m liking him already.

bearing in mind they’ve known each other for BARELY 24 HOURS, the proud lil grins they give each other when they trap cenred’s men in the dungeons

stealing food from the kitchens is the pinnacle of romance

the two of them effectively being joined by the hip whilst the knights are searching that village in 04x01, and then when merlin encounters the dorocha, being the last two to show up (mayhaps they got distracted 👀👀)

the directors basically recreating that scene in 02x13 where gwen saves arthur from kilgarrah and it’s like ✨ooo look at the cute couple being cute and awkward and in love ooo✨ but with gwaine and percy, and then having the audacity to have gwaine sarcastically say “never knew you cared.” i. bbc. please.

when gwaine tells leon and elyan to pick on percival instead in that butthurt and salty way only partners do

they always sit next to each other!!! or like stand side by side!! and ride together!!!!!! i mean like 4/5 times, they are next to each other within the knights

in 04x06 when merlin knocks gwaine out as dragoon and the very next shot we get is percy about to shank the shit out of him for it

in 04x10 when gwaine walks in on elyan losing his shit in the night, and instead of consoling him like a normal person, tells him about how percy broke some guy’s fucking wrist like a proud husband

also in 04x10 when, after gwaine punches elyan in the armoury, percy just gives him a look of pure disapproval

the moment that never fails to make me cry!!!!! oh boy!!! in 04x12 when they’re escaping camelot with arthur and gwaine tells percy specifically, not like merlin or anyone else who is also leaving, to go on without him. and then they do the little half-hug and percy looks so SAD and gwaine doesn’t even fucking say bye to anyone else. they are in love i literally don’t know what else to tell you.

the heart eyes gwaine gives percy when he first sees him again in 04x13

when gwaine wakes percy up in the night during 05x01 to tell him about the weird blue lights and percy is just like ‘what the FUCK do you want?????’ it’s literally the canon version of all those text posts where gwaine wakes percy up at 3am to say something with huge crackhead vibes

when gwaine just up and leaves in 05x02 to investigate the weird lights and percy just cannot be bothered to stop him from being an idiot

also in 05x02 when merlin says ‘get gwaine back to percival,’ which can be translated as: ‘get this dumbass back to his slightly less dumbass husband’

ALSO in 05x02 when they see mordred coming towards them and gwaine goes forward but percy just like,,,,, so gently,,, puts a hand in front of him all protectively like ‘i stg if you run off and almost die again i will kill you’,,,,,,, soft and tactile 🥺🥺

the infamous 05x03 scene. the sexual tension. the sexual tension. the sexual tension. i cannot put into words how perfect it is and how damn homoerotic the creators made it

couple goals is leading a group of soldiers down a hidden path in camlann to foil morgana pendragon’s attempt to flank you because for once the king actually let you do something together and trusted you to not be dumbasses in love

literally everything about eira’s execution. i mean holy SHIT, the tender shoulder clap, the silent support and solidarity, these two dumbasses literally deciding to go and try to kill morgana for each other because theyre dumbasses in love

their fucking wholesome TEAMWORK as they take down all of morgana’s men together

the only reason percy manages to find the strength to escape from those fucking ropes being hearing gwaine in pain 🥺🥺🥺

when gwaine says he’s failed and percy, insistent, says ‘no you haven’t’ in the tiniest and saddest voice and makes a genuinely pained expression

the forehead touch,,,,, the forehead touch,,,,,,,,,, god im fucking crying im sobbing oh god why

how in gwen’s coronation scene, there are multiple parallels between arthur and gwaine’s absences: the establishing shot on both percy and gwen emphasise a space next to them, there is an empty throne next to gwen and percy is standing off centre as though someone should be next to him, etc. they are both grieving for the same thing: the loss of a partner

anyway sorry to make you cry at the end there, that’s the way it is with merlin babey!!!! feel free to reblog and add on anything else!!!!

this is a pretty heavy personal post about coping mechanisms, its not necessarily something im posting for ppl to read or respond to, it may be triggering, please proceed with caution or not at all!!!

i went back to school this semester double full time (as of right now takin 22 credits) and boyoboy have i been a wreck leading up to it. so i need to ground myself a lil, ,and that is what i am going to do here sometimes.

to begin, my problems usually deal with dissociation. it is weird, because for a long time my problem was I AM FEELING TOO MUCH ALL THE TIME AAAAH type of overload, whether it was sad or happy or whatever. and i still get those feelings! but the scariest feeling was one i thought i got over a long time ago - dissociation. it sucks! u basically feel like a passenger in your own body and things that happened mere moments ago feel very far away or you cannot remember them in great detail at all. i hate that feeling. and it is especially dangerous when i am in class!

so to help myself stay “here” during those moments i am going to just write a comprehensive list of things that work for me. by also writing this list of stuff that works for me personally, i’m grounding myself right now by thinking of all of those things, so this is an exercise too.

1) tactile grounding, or basically just feeling stuff to remind my brain “hey! my body is here, asshole!”. usually it is a pinch, or i’ll run my fingernails up and down the underside of my arms, somewhere with sensitive skin, to wake myself up. sometimes i’ll “pop” my ears or knuckles. sometimes i’ll carry and wear a very large sweater, which kinda feels like a big blanket and adds “weight” when i put it on that i’m not used to having.

2) other sensory grounding. i will carry my favorite drink (usually a minty or peachy tea, or diet coke) or a small bag of a food i know i love - taste and smell helps me a lot. rather than eating a whole bunch just take a small bite and really enjoy it. think about why i love that food so much - it’s forcing myself to think about the flavor that reels me in. i also burn incense or candles of scents i really love while i’m working or studying to keep me present.

3) avoid overly caffeinated beverages! caffeine tends to make me detach, i do not know why, but i’m sure it’s chemical and not related to like a bad memory or something. i never realized it until recently, but for years this has been a triggering substance for me.

4) stay present in the conversation or lecture in class. take notes on things you’re not sure you’re even going to need. obviously this is a good piece of advice no matter what but a lot of people, myself included, have anxiety about asking questions in front of a class of 50+ people. but my desire to keep myself present overrides my fear, so i engage often with my professors and classmates, even if it’s something i already know the answer to. if you zone and need your professor to repeat something, do not be afraid to ask, because it might be your only chance - and be honest with them about what you are going through. i was with mine and they were all wonderful about it.

5) get up and leave if you have to. sometimes lack of physical activity causes me to dissociate as well - just sitting for 3 hours... all of my classes are this long and it is very hard even for someone who doesn’t have dissociative bouts to stay present for that. so often times i will get up and walk out of the hall. i try to sit in the back to be as non-disruptive as possible. even if just to walk outside for a second and come back in after doing a breathing exercise or something like that - it helps.

6) make sure you eat enough! i started dieting and lost a lot of weight, but the problem with that is i get fuller much faster than i used to. so now, sometimes, i have experiences where i eat only a few bites of something and feel okay. and while normally that’s cool, it may be all i eat the whole day because i forgot to eat again, and then i faint. lack of food can absolutely trigger dissociation (feelings of lightheadedness, too), so it’s important to carry something small to get your blood sugar back up. also, set alarms for yourself on your phone to eat food and drink water if you “forget” to do that stuff like i do.

7) sometimes you can’t help zoning out and thinking about the bad things. that is okay! occasionally i will have moments where no matter where i am i suddenly start thinking about particularly bad memories, and my brains response is to dissociate. but rather than dissociating, try to embrace the bad thing. sometimes i have to leave where i am and go cry somewhere because it is so overwhelming! but if i didn’t, i would keep “detaching” at the slightest reminder of a bad thing.

8) be honest with people about how you are feeling. if you feel a dissociative episode coming on, tell the people around you. tell them you feel strange, explain it is scary but you just need people to understand what’s going on. it sucks, its a shitty feeling, but the good thing is this is ONE mental health issue that most humans have experienced in one capacity or another.

**tw for what is below because it deals with abuse and rape**

the reason i’m writing all of this stuff down is that it is going to be so important for me to stay grounded and to have a resource of grounding techniques for the coming semester. for some reason, even though i never really “dealt” with it, i lately am having a much MUCH harder time dealing with intrusive thoughts or reminders of my ex or the night he raped me or when he began stalking me afterwards, and all the time it feels like it’s getting worse, so i fill up my plate with distractions to try to not deal with it, and usually that works, but it doesn’t anymore. and my reminders, triggers, whatever you want to call it, are usually pretty innocuous things that could be anywhere. but now my reaction is to dissociate, and i think since the last time i was in school full time like this was when i was dating him, it just... idk, brings me back to that. and that FUCKING SUUUCKS, because i want school to be a good time for me!!! it should be!!! the good thing is i found out he moved to delaware a long time ago, but i still obsessively check the internet every few months to make sure he has not come back home, because i am still terrified of him. and this happened 6 or 7 years ago! but i cannot simply “get over it”, idk, i think for a long time i thought i could just Deal With It. but i cannot! i think about it all the time, and it makes me either very sad, or irritable, or mentally i check out.

one day i think i’d like to confront him, and i think when i do that these feelings will maybe finally go away, but until then i don’t know, and so i have to do the best i can to get through my dissociation, or periods of mania, or periods of depression.