I wish i could drop 1.5k on a laptop. I wish spending money prompted me into marketing commissions. Even when i wasnt getting money from the gov or job, and was watching my savings dwindle...it never pushed me enough to start asking for money or making a com sheet or streaming or freelancing

And i wish it did, i wish something would motivate me to do it, to actually follow through.

I legit dont think even homelessness would do it.

Im so tired of working and seeing no results but needing to keep working for the chance of results. It seems like such an impossible battle.

And i cant tell if the issue is my disability/mental illnesses or if im simply not trying hard enough. That the problem is me, my stubbornness or what have you, or things i cannot change or have control over.

Should i be able to succeed with what i have? Am i really not trying hard enough.

Or do i lack something, something i dont have access too and thus shouldnt beat myself up over my constant failure as a person and artist. And the fact that i dont have it isnt my fault.

Hi, I need to rant and maybe get some advice? Sometimes I feel so abnormal because I am a straight woman so I am attracted to men BUT also I don't really feel an inclination to sleep with them or get in a relationship with them. The thing is, I've struggled (like a lot of women) with self-image/ED and having repeatedly seen and heard all the ways men criticize female bodies, I just don't see a point in engaging in any sexual activities with men. Like so many of them literally sound like they don't EVEN like female bodies, why should I have sex with such a person, and it is always a true gamble if the man you meet is exactly like that, cuz so many of them give themselves away on the regular, be it online or in real life. Or, I mean, he might like me when I am at my most ''perfect'' (so constant pressure to maintain that ideal) but say I forget to shave my legs one day, would he be fine with that or go into childish rage and belittle me or cheat. Yeah not worth the risk and many other risks. I've also never descended into ''wild lust'' for men I meet in real life so, don't consider it a loss if you exclude societal pressure to date someone. Men want to freely say all kinds of nasty shit about women then expect women to happily run into their arms... that's not working for me. They think women are naïve. I don't care how it makes me sound, men are not trust-worthy, they will sleep with you then bad-mouth you in the most detached way. Meanwhile I never even entertain negative thoughts on male bodies, I meet so many men who are unattractive to me but I don't make it a point to have Opinions on their features. Like, I don't care about it like that. They are just random people to me. Men though, they will make sure to voice out everything they dislike about a random woman like it's PERSONAL to them. Yeah they can fuck off.

tbh i dont think this makes u abnormal, u have high standards and worry about being hurt by a man bc youve seen how often men disrespect and mistreat other women and u dont want that to be u especially when youve struggled with your self-image and an eating disorder (or multiple idk ur story). to me thats a form of self-preservation and if u feel ur quality of life has not been harmed by this and are totally happy being single and celibate, then go for it! theres many het women who choose to live a similar life and i entirely support their choice and can understand it. people only treat u and make u feel like ur abnormal bc they view a woman's purpose and happiness to be reliant on a man and thats just misogyny at the end of the day