#if there's a season 3 buttons better fucking resurrect him cause magic is real apparently
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#need to get my thoughts on the ofmd finale out bc i've been lying depressed about it in bed all day#the start of the season was fantastic#the last 2 episodes felt super rushed#i feel kind of betrayed#this isn't the rom-com where no one important dies and everything turns out okay in the end anymore#i guess i shoudn't have gotten attached to izzy at all#they really gave him all that character development and found family and#he was starting to open up to them and he protected them from bb and the crew cared about him and#i'm full on sobbing now again#all that for him to just get randomly shot and die??????#and the crew just stood there and looked at him ??? and they had a wedding right after like nothing happened??????#this was my comfort show and i guess i'm just struggling to process the loss of that#if there's a season 3 buttons better fucking resurrect him cause magic is real apparently#i can't imagine ofmd without con#he's so loved by the fandom and he loves the fandom back#but at this point i'm terrified of there even being a s3 bc i can't trust them with the lives of ed and stede anymore either#i want my silly little queer pirate show back#tldr. ep 6 is where the season ended the last 2 episodes didn't happen
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Welcome, dear readers, to the much anticipated Union Season 1 finale, featuring the diverse cast of well-developed characters we’ve all come to love, such as cheating whore #1, cheating whore #2, and my personal favorite, cheating whore #3. Also starring purple Hannibal Lecter, Melody Tinker’s sunglasses, and Leon Trotsky. Last update saw the erotic tension between resident porn-king Gunther and his brother’s intended, Regina George Brittany Upsnott finally boil over, leading to this harrowing image:
GOOD TIMES. Let’s pick up right where we left off..
.. namely precious Gunther immediately jumping into bed with Melody not two minutes after his close encounter of the Brit kind. Guns has been suspiciously loyal and un-gross ever since we moved out of the dorms, but apparently his goal for senior year is to out-worst everyone else in the house. What a comeback!
Meanwhile Brit is depressingly bowling her frustrations away under the unforgiving desert sky. Whaddup Brit, you must be dealing with some pretty complicated emotions right now.
-What?? No way, I’m totally, totally fine!
I mean sure, why wouldn’t you be, it’s not like you’ve fucked literally everything up. After spending half of college dealing with fucking HaremGate all I wanted was an uneventful senior year I could speed through, but that would be too easy now, WOULDN’T IT.
-The pins are you well-laid out plans for the future!
UGH Brit seriously, this isn’t happening. As in we’re gonna pretend it literally never happened, you’re gonna marry Daniel, Gunther is gonna marry Mel, everyone will live happily ever after and that’s the last I’m gonna hear of this bullshit.
BRIT THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY
-I’m just heartfarting, GAWD
Yea you’re also about to fucking serenade him in front of Mel, have you legit lost your mind??? Is this how the rest of this year will go, me chasing you around cancelling your dumbass actions?
-Probably! lolol!
-Aww Brit, if there was an award for best couple, we would definitely win it <3
-Oh please, Gunther and I have you totally beat!
-Yea right Mel, bet you §10 me and Brit are gonna move in together before you and Gunther do!
-…So how you liking that pizza, Gunther?
-…Oh it’s good, Brit, thanks for asking.
Meanwhile it looks like my restless Jojo/Wyatt reconciliation efforts have finally borne fruit! Good job, Wyatt!
-It’s no job, I’m just following mon coeur!
Nice, follow it all the way to redemption!
YASSSS. I can’t stress enough how many times Wyatt had to apologize to get us to this point, I’m talking half their awake time for 3 days. God. The whole thing has been an extremely repetitive nightmare but finally we can put it to rest. Much like we put Frances! BURN IN HELL
Finally, the universe has responded to my desperate pleas. I will even forgive the creepy ass llama because for once the cheering is completely appropriate. Reunited and it feels so good! Especially for me because if I had to press the apologize button one more time istg.
Well.. The universe giveth and the universe taketh away. Literally can’t leave these dicks unsupervised for more than a minute before they start slutting it up. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO
-Oh oh oh oh oh OH, caught in a bad romance <3
STOP SINGING INTO EACH OTHER’S MOUTHS. It’s time for drastic measures. Gunther is obviously unfamiliar with the concept of decency but maybe there’s still hope for Brittany..
..especially after Daniel gives her a high-class romantic evening! Looking great, Dan. Please stop picking your teeth.
-I’m so uncomfortable, my hair hasn’t seen the light of day since I was a toddler! I’m putting my cap back on.
DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. Also suppress your gag reflex + every instinct in your body because it’s time-
-to hit Londoste! OOH LA LA
-Brit, I feel like we’re.. ridiculously overdressed.
-No such thing, darling!
-I’ll be having the filet mignon and a glass of the Veronaville ‘64, thank you.
-And I’ll be having chicken nuggets and a detailed report of the working conditions in this bourgie hellhole.
-DANIEL YOU PROMISED
-Let’s raise a glass to us and our magical evening together-
-Yes, and this delicious food, stained with the tears of the working farmhand-
-Daniel, please.
-My beloved ice queen, even though the diamond engagement ring “tradition” is another completely made up, SHAMELESS CAPITALIST SCAM, I just couldn’t bear the thought of wounding your gigantic, aggressively materialistic ego.. Marry me, my darling, be my Nadezhda!
-OH baby of course I’ll marry you! Everything before this moment doesn’t count, right?
-I mean.. sure?
-Great!
Yes, what a wonderful, subtle night.
-Oh Brit, you make me the happiest worker alive, which of course is a completely paradoxical state under capitalism!
AWW MEANT TO BE <3 Finally we can put that gross, freckled chapter behind us.
THAT’S RIGHT YOU BETTER RUN
-WOOO congrats for not cheating for an entire day, Gunther!
Our greek house is currently at a pathetic level 3 and it’s not hard to see why. As if the graves of Jojo’s former flames weren’t enough to put people off, imagine walking by and seeing this.
This shit is still going on and has reached the hate-boner point where these two have permanent wants to see each other’s ghost. So much for nice points!
Also going on: this bizzare, inexplicable feud that appeared literally out of nowhere.
-SHUT UP WYATT MAGIC ISN’T REAL
-IT SO IS MAGIQUE IS ALL AROUND US
Finals are upon us! Only one semester of this fuckery left. There are of course two kinds of people, the kind pictured above..
..and my peeps.
Gunther, who hasn’t done anything college related since we were back in the dorms and Blue Meatballs et al were writing his papers, somehow still has a 4.0 gpa. Wow Gunther, what’s your secret??
-It’s no secret, I banged the half-alien professor.
Oh right lmao. You’re looking pretty down boo, what’s wrong?
-Man idk, I’m struggling with what might be like.. legit feelings for Brit.
WHAT. WELL PUT THEM BACK WHERE THEY CAME FROM GUNTHER AND DRINK YOUR SORROWS AWAY LIKE AN ADULT. GOD
YOU TOO BRITTANY. ISTFG YOU ASSHOLES ARE NOT FUCKING THIS UP ANY FURTHER.
CAUSE HERE’S WHAT HAPPENED TO THE LAST PERSON WHO WENT OFF SCRIPT. Looking good, Fran!
…………………………poor Brittany obviously suffered a stroke at some unspecified point in time. As if she didn’t have enough problems.
SO. CLOSE. We just have to get through this one semester without the entire charade imploding, is that too much to ask????
APPARENTLY YES. GODDAMMIT GUNTHER
-The heart wants what it wants.
What DOES it want tho, Selena, cause last time I checked you were in love with Mel you GIANT ASS
-Yea, hell if I know! Huhu!
IF I HEAR YOU PEOPLE HUHU ONE MORE TIME
In equally distressing news Mickey Dosser was passing by and I invited him in just to see if he would go straight for the bubbles, which he of course did..
..a move so irresistible that Wyatt had to stop and swoon over him literally in the middle of his millionth Jojo apology. I’ve honestly never had a sim court death as persistently as Wyatt, dude straight up WANTS TO DIE.
-HOW DARE YOU WALTZ IN HERE AND TRY TO SEDUCE MY BOYFRIEND RIGHT BEFORE MY VERY EYES YOU VILE DISGUSTING SLOB
-Wut
-GET. OUT. BEFORE I STUFF YOU AND PUT YOU ON MY PORCH FOR HALLOWEEN
-Wyatt.. I sensed it was you.
-Of course, Jojό <3 I got your message, why did you send a raven, I’m just upstairs-
-SILENCE. I invited you here, to my favorite place on this entire wretched planet, the center around which revolves my very existence..
-..to ask you a very important question that I want you to CAREFULLY consider, taking into account that you’re standing next to the graves of the last people to betray me..
-Wyatt Monif, you must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you. Almost from the earliest moments of our acquaintance, I have come to feel for you a passionate admiration and regard, which despite all my struggles and your whoring around, has overcome every rational objection, and I beg you most fervently to relieve my suffering and consent to be my husband. Also to please ignore my brother woohooing in the hot tub behind us and ruining the moment.
-MON DIEU JOJÓ, OUI, OUI A THOUSAND TIMES OUI!! <3
-Wyatt.
-Oui? <3
-Please don’t make me murder you, ok? Promise?
-Never, Jojό!
AW, what a beautiful engagement you guys, I’m tearing up.
AND FINALLY, IT’S OVER. Gunther seriously graduated summa cum laude, how in the fucking world I legit dk but whatever!
The last supper.. The Union bros have all graduated and I’m gonna speed-play the rest through their last year. Also Daniel and Melody are bffs now, I didn’t even know they were talking but nice.
Time to go back where we came from! Ah, all grown up. It seems like yesterday they were toddlers surviving on cat food.
Brit is the youngest of the bunch and has the whole house to herself after Mel and Wyatt graduate, a situation she takes advantage of by ALMOST CHEATING WITH THE FUCKING LLAMA. BRIT ISTG
Finally, it’s time for Brit to leave our gross, incestuous cocoon. We’re gonna need a placeholder for the next generation tho, so as much as it pains me to say..
..it’s Frances time. Bitch literally scares Brit as she’s trying to resurrect him, way to make me doubt my merciful decision Fran!
Ugh great. Welcome back, Frances. I really did prefer you dead.
Yea, can’t make any promises there. I don’t know what kind of wave of kindness overcame me, but I felt bad for Fran being all alone so…
-I’M BACK BITCHES
Can’t believe we wasted 20k on these assholes but whatever. Time to grow up, Brit!
Oh yea, looking good! Taking the ‘on Wednesdays we wear pink’ rule to extreme lengths.
And we’re out of here, leaving the place in the capable hands of Fran and Ti-Ning, who immediately reconnect for a hot tub celebration of life.
So normally you’d think that would be the end of it and we’d get to the heir vote, right? RIGHT?
WRONG. Please bear with me through this incredible bullshit. So I’m taking the heir vote portraits, specifically Jojo’s, and everyone else is hanging around on the edges of this empty photoshoot lot, when suddenly the fight cloud appears. At first I think it’s Wyatt/Daniel aka business as usual but then I make the horrifying discovery that it’s.. DANIEL/BRIT.
As expected, the MINUTE I looked away, Gunther/Brit went for it in plain sight, leading to the eruption of a massive shitshow. I’m like ok w/e we’re basically in pre-heir vote limbo so it doesn’t count, I’ll just quit without saving. But THEN I take a look at Daniel’s panel.. AND SEE THIS:
I’ve literally no idea WTF HAPPENED, HOW IT HAPPENED, WHY, WHO MADE THE FIRST MOVE but the fact is that right after catching Gunther/Brit cheating, Melody and Daniel somehow got together even though they have never given any indication of being into each other and have one sole pathetic bolt. My best guess is 4-nice-points Melody went for it as a revenge but seriously WHAT THE FUCK
GOOD TIMES. At this point I’m obviously even more like ‘I’M GONNA QUIT WITHOUT SAVING’ so I’m just taking these pics for shits and giggles, but THEN I look at Gunther’s panel… and see probably the most disturbing want I’ve ever come across:
OK THEN. Reminder that Gunther’s secondary is PLEASURE so there’s literally no explanation for this shit except for legit. true love. As much planning as I did for these couples I’m like who am I to refuse A ROMANCE SIM’S engagement want???? I mean I also planned for Jojo to marry Frances and we all saw how that went. So I decide to save the game, even though it’s kinda unorthodox since it didn’t happen during actual gameplay but w/e, you just can’t ignore shit like that!!
So I revisit the lot the next day and am faced with a shitshow of cosmic proportions. The whole thing is like a bizzaro parallel universe, I mean you have Brit and Dan legit looking like they crossed over from the set of NLL..
..Gunther and Mel heartfarting over each other while also wanting to beat each other up..
..this torrid affair out in the open..
..AND WHATEVER THE FUCK THIS IS. I changed their turn-ons and now they have 3 bolts cause it felt like they really got the short end of the stick but I still can’t get over this bullshit happening in the first place. At least Jojo and Wyatt are having a good time! I guess at this point there’s only one thing left to do..
..simultaneous break ups! The couple that dumps their fiances together stays together.
Moving on to simultaneous crying/sighs of relief. If it seems like I’m halfassing this by not writing any dialogue it’s because I am, but I legit can’t, the whole situation is just too absurd to dramatize.
And now to complete the wife-swap..
Incredible. Now, hold on to your seats, everyone.. because the red ring memory..
IS NOT GUNTHER’S. WHAT IN THE NAME OF HELL. BRIT GOT A RED RING FROM HER ROMANCE SECONDARY BUT SOMEHOW GUNTHER DIDN’T??? Honestly I’m hardly a romantic but. TRUE LOVE. Or a glitch. Let’s go with true love.
And there you have it. The end of generation 1, which will live in the annals of history as the one where literally no one ended up with the person I had in mind for them and I might as well haven’t been there for all the control I had over these assholes.
NOW. TIME TO VOTE.
WHO WILL IT BE????
Head over to my lj for a handy guide to voting + the link to the poll. Thank you all for reading! <3
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