#if i make morbid or self depreciating jokes around you tell me to fucking stop
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It is easy for me to forget that I am bipolar. And that I can't always handle my feelings and challenges. When this happens I become extremely frustrated with myself and my life. I hold myself to impossible, or unreasonable standards. I forget that I have a disadvantage when it comes to everyday living, even for the most minute tasks. I begin to hate myself, even though I know I shouldn't. It all becomes a living hell, because I become a monster, my own worst enemy.
I stop allowing myself to seek help from others, because I don't see myself as worth it. I think that I will actively damage their lives and our relationships if I even begin to talk about my feelings. I become afraid of the people I am supposed to love. And when I do open up, I generally have one of several reactions.
1. They become uncomfortable, and try to shy away from the topic. Because what are they supposed to do for me?
2. They don't recognize that I am crying out for help. And the topics move on.
3. They mitigate the problem. Telling me that I am making it worse for myself by allowing myself to overanalyze my feelings.
4. They recognize that I need help, and try to help me find a "solution" for the problem.
5. I scare the shit out of them. They immediately assume I am suicidal, or incapable. They encourage me to "open up more", and to "get help".
6. They become frustrated with me. They become exasperated with my bullshit.
In any of these cases, there is always one thing that I am most afraid of. And that is that they will normalize my disorder. They think of it as something they understand.
They know the symptoms. They know that "it will pass". And they become disillusioned. In some cases they begin to recognize my patterns, and they slowly stop listening to me. Because who would when I am telling them the same problems that I have said a hundred times before? The same problems they expect to hear again.
But what they don't realize is that those feelings, those problems they already know I have. They never stop being real for me. They claw at me for years, and they always come back. My disorder makes me feel trauma from these problems perpetually, and they hit me harder every time. Once they forget that, They become someone I can't open up to anymore.
And slowly but surely, I become isolated. I become increasingly more irrational. I sink deeper into the tar pit. Until its damn near impossible for me to pull myself out. At this point my only way of communicating my feelings is by making morbid jokes. Once this starts, people begin to normalize them. It isnt a shocking cry for help, its just another self-depreciating joke from Violet.
Honestly the only reason I can type all of this, is because I am screaming into the void right now. Im not looking at people face to face, afraid of how all of this will make them feel. I can stop myself from holding back when I put it all into text and throw it onto a blog.
Normally I use my containment blog as the recepticle for all of this. Normally I hide my crazy behind a different url, one that isnt revealed to anyone I personally know. But today I can't hide this shit. Today I can't let myself sink further. Today I have to let it out or else I am going to fucking implode.
I am not okay. My medications are not working. My therapist sucks. My home life is nothing but stess. School gives me panic attacks. My transition feels impossible. I can't afford basic necessities. I can't eat so I have lost 20 lbs. I can't stop wanting to hurt myself. And I am bipolar.
What little sleep I get, comes after me crying my eyes out until they are sore.
And I have to deal with this every damn day.
And I have to cope with it somehow.
#bipolar disorder#hm#the queen rants#and all 680 of you can hear me scream#i own one pair of pants for gods sake#and only because my friend purchased them for me#im fucking tired of having to rely on people for basic shit i should be able to attain myself#i have literally 2 people in the world i actually want to talk with#all of this will be buried under the shit you all actually follow me for soon enough#if i make morbid or self depreciating jokes around you tell me to fucking stop#recognize it for what it is. please! i am begging you
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5, 10, 15, 18, 22, 50, 51, 94, and 96 for fisher!!!!
mina i LOVE you
5. What’s their reputation like? Does this reputation contrast what they’re really like?
Fisher probably has the reputation of being, like, a dumb but lovable goofy fuckup? Like being completely incompetent and lazy but still funny and charming enough that you keep them around. Like sans undertale or todd from bojack. a lotta people probably think they won’t amount to much. it’s not super accurate- they’re accident prone and a slacker but they’re not stupid and they work really hard if they need to (again, it took effort to cheat like that. sure they coulda avoided that effort if they had studied but that’s boring). i think part of the reason fisher wants to do well at aeon despite not doing well in hs is cause they’re sick of people thinking of them in that way and not taking them seriously
10. What’s a simple thing that brings them joy?
they really like fast food and snacks. they are easily bought and will love you forever if you make them food. nick and sally and fisher bake together a lot, even though i feel like the latter two are really incompetent when it comes to cooking
15. How good are they at conversation? Are they a small talk master, bad at initiating, etc?
fisher’s easygoing and good at small talk and socializing in theory but i think they’re really out of practice. they’re good at making causal acquaintances but they’re really bad at maintaining friendships cause the only friend they have that isn’t their brother (or their brother’s friend) is sally, and they’ve known each other for so long that neither really remembers how to make new friends. plus no one their age really wanted to be friends with either of them growing up, so they never had the opportunity. I think that they’d hit it off with someone who’s really extraverted and fast moving w friendship, which is why they get along so well with glitch! she basically just pointed at them and claimed them as her newest best friend (and perhaps they will be more but i have yet to decide between glitch, k, and sally whoopsie).
18. If you had to represent them with a flower, colour, and animal, what would you choose?
flower- the balloon flower! resilient, easy to care for, but still a little gloomy looking (depending on the color)
color- dark blue! blue is their favorite color! dark blue is a little gloomy but is also a very sturdy and solid looking color (if that makes sense)
animal- oh absolutely a big fat cat, they definitely make the :3c face once a day, they’re full of mischief, and they love to take naps
22. What’s their silliest or most unusual fear/phobia?
they strike me as someone who cried when they went to disney as a kid cause they’re scared of the mascots. it’s something about mickey’s big, dead, unseeing eyes
50. Why would they be a good partner for a road trip?
will listen to any music, funny, good at telling stories, easygoing so you wouldn’t get into a fight
51. Why would they be a BAD partner for a road trip?
oh they absolutely do not have their driver’s license. 1) they never got around to it and nick and sally drive them everywhere anyway 2) they have adhd so they just dont trust themself to concentrate well enough to not kill someone 3) they’re extremely directionally challenged (can’t tell left from right gang rise UP) and 4) I think they’re really afraid of having another mind control episode behind the wheel or being otherwise hindered by their mind blindness
94. What does their room look like?
oh god it’s disgusting. used dishes, clothes on the floor, stuff everywhere, etc. they know where everything they need is, but it is GROSS. nick just doesn’t go in there anymore cause it gives him a headache. I imagine it’s nicely decorated though, with posters of stuff they like and pictures of fisher and sally and nick and gray (and eventually glitch and kent) on the walls. I think they have a lot of stuffed animals too, and oh god. oh god they absolutely collect funko pops. it started out as ironic but sally always gets them some for holidays (only having like one or two friends means she absolutely goes all out, I imagine) and now it’s just a problem. they won’t admit that they like them but they do.
96. What’s their sense of humour like? (Dad jokes, morbid humour, basic knock-knock jokes, stand up comedy, etc)
it’s basically all self-deprecation. fisher’s highest stat is humor but morbid isn’t too far behind, so I think that manifest in them using their humor to berate themself and as a means of venting without actually asking for help. it helps that most people think they’re a loser, cause they constantly make themself the butt of the joke. mostly it’s harmless stuff (”lol i’m such an idiot, here’s a funny story about my latest screw-up”) but sometimes they take it too far. they probably got sent to the guidance counselor back in school cause new teachers would get worried, but I think the curse of always being seen as the goofy fuckup with habitual self depreciation is that people who get to know them tend to get used to their self hatred and just write it off as fisher being fisher (sally and nick and grayson aren’t exempt from this. they’re all lovely and they all love fisher but they’re not perfect and I think if anyone’s gonna step in and actually make them get help it’s gonna be someone with new eyes, like glitch or kent).
ok wow downer ending sorry!! they also really like puns and bad dad jokes and physical comedy. anytime fisher or nick hears or comes up with a fucking terrible dad joke they immediately run to the other and tell it. I think if sally and fisher are ever bored in public the two of them just start acting weird and see how long it takes to get stared at. they compete to see who can one up the other before they have to stop out of embarrassment or before they’re asked to stop (they are SO annoying and insufferable). Fisher’s also a really good story teller and can make the most mundane event funny or entertaining in some way (they’d be great at standup)
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