#if his initials are bf how come he isnt mine?
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Hello~ I created some KaruShuu Headcanons for you guys~ hope you enjoy ❤️🧡 (Questions ain’t mine, I just answered them) Also some of them are based off fanfics I have written/read.
Who rocks the Ferris Wheel seat and who flips out and begs them to stop?
KARMA IS A BITCH AND IS ROCKING THE FERRIS WHEEL SEAT WHILE SHUU IS HOLDING ONTO THE POLE FOR DEAR LIFE
Who is always horny and will have sex at any time, at any place and at any time?
Hm. Both. Lmao
Who is more into taking showers/baths together? Who tries to make it relaxing and who tries to make it sexy time?
Karma is the sexy time, always time and Shuu is the relaxing time one BUT. That doesn’t mean he isn’t playing along with Karma
Who likes to walk around the house naked and who tells the other to go put some clothes on?
Karma. Karma walks around at least half naked maybe some boxers - and it’s not like shuu doesn’t enjoy watching his manly man walking around the house beefy af and flexing his muscles without even trying but he still tells karma to put some clothes on
Who sleeps on the couch when they get into a fight?
I DONT CAREEE HOW SOFT THE ARGUMENT WAS. KARMA SLEEPS ON THE COUCH.
Who takes photos of the other while they sleep?
BOTH DO. BOTH DO TAKE PICS OF THE OTHER ONE AND THEY TEASE THEM WITH THE PICS LATER ON
Who said “I love you” first? and who ends their arguments in a fight with “Because I love you”?
I would say that Karma was the first one who said ‘I love you’ and the ‘bc I love you’ feels like smth Shuu would say
Who likes to wear the others sweatshirts?
Shuu likes to wear Karmas, and then:
“...shuu pls give me my clothes back I swear I have nothing to wear-“
Who wakes the other up in the middle of the night to tell them a cool dream they had? Who has the most nightmares, and who sings them back to sleep after?
Karma would be the one with cool dreams and wake Shuu up but since Shuu is a supporting bf/husband he will listen to him ❤️ and when it comes to nightmares, I would say that Shuu gets them but Karma is always there to comfort him ❤️❤️
Who is more likely to cheat?
No❤️ but if it’s in a video game- karma. He is a little bitc-
Who makes fun of the other for having a crush on them, and who has to remind them that they are in a relationship?
NDNSNSNSBD KARMA WOULD MAKE JOKES ABOUT IT LIKE
“Wait whattt??? You have a crush on me? Omggg stahp I’m blushing now”
“......Karma we are dating-“
Or better!
“What? Omg- really? You actually have a crush on me? Damn Shuu why didn’t you tell me”
“...Karma we are marrIED-“
Who starts a food fight in the kitchen?
Karma is a little bitch and he would start with maybe splashing some water onto Shuu and then Shuu turns to face him with a straight face “oh it’s on”
Who initiates duets? and who is the better singer?
Both initiate duets; anywhere and everywhere - and Shuu is the better singer. Karma sounds like a bitch
Who starts the hand holding? Who grabs the others butt? Who slides their arm around their waist? Who likes to put their fingers in the belt loops?
Hmmm maybe Karma would take it easy with the hand holding; like he would start taking Shuus hand when they are at home and when it comes to public he lets it be and waits for Shuu; cause if he is ready to hold hands, Karma is ready too.
GRABBING BUTTS- OMG PLS. KARMA. KARMA WOULD. AND AND HE WOULD TEASE SHUU ABOUT BEING HEAVIER THAT HE IS AND SAY THAT HIS ASS IS 4KG HEAVIER.
AND THE ARM SLIDING AROUND THE WAIST- *slams fist on the table* KARMA WOULD DO THIS ANYWHERE LITERALLY ANYWHERE.
AND THE BELT LOOPS- SHUU. SHUU WOULD THIS BUT LIKE HE WOULD DO IT AS A SIGN THAT HE IS UNCOMFORTABLE AND WANTS TO LEAVE SO HE SHOWS IT TO KARMA THAT WAY AND I THINK ITS ADORABLE.
Who likes to write the others name on their wrist?
Karma would doodle his own name on Shuus arm during study sessions or so ksksksks bonus: Shuu does NOT wash it off, when in the shower, he has this one hand stretched out so the water won’t touch the doodle.
Who is more seductive when they are drunk? and who is louder in bed?
Shuu. Both is Shuu. Pls.
Who is more protective?
Karma is pretty protective- but not in an obsessive way, more like taking care of Shuu and his health as well as his eating habits and sleep
Who talks to the other while they are sleeping?
Karma would just talk and talk till Shuu falls asleep but karma KEEPS ON TALKI-
Who drives and who has the window seat?
Karma drives bc he is the most terrain oriented and besides, Shuu likes to drink from time to time (like coming back from parties or so) so there is no way that a drunk Shuu at the steering wheel would survive.
Who falls asleep in the others lap and who carries them to bed?
Shuu would fall asleep in Karmas lap (DURING SHREK MARATHONSSS 🥴 Idk if anyone gets that but in my fanfics on Wattpad Karma is OBSESSED with Shrek lmao so Shrek marathons >>>) and Karma would carry him to bed.
Who cuts the others hair?
I would say Shuu would cut Karmas hair, pls he is perfect at everything. (.......except cooking and baking *clears throat*)
Who is super bad at sexting? and who sends them encouraging messages throughout the day?
Shuu is hella bad at sexting, but when he is drunk he is the god of flirting lmao
And the encouraging ones- hm... both djdjdjd
Who thinks they are not good enough for the others love? and who’s more afraid of loosing the other? Who thinks they keep messing up, only for the other to tell them they don’t need to worry?
AAAAAA NOOOO *war flashbacks: “You’re my Moron” fanfic ending II”*
Who starts random slow dancing with the other in the kitchen? Who holds the other just above the ground and kisses them?
KARMA KARMA KARMA WOULD. KARMA WOULD START TO RANDOMLY SLOW DANCE WITH SHUU IN THE KITCHEN AND THEN KISS HIM AAAAA
Who says shitty puns and sex jokes just to see the other giggle and blush?
KARMA DOES THIS IN THE MOST INAPPROPRIATE TIMES PLS
Who kissed first?
OH OH!!!
I think!!! That if maybe Karma was the first one to confess bc come on, Shuu has a reputation so yea, but when it comes to first kiss- Shuu would. Shuu would be the one who kisses Karma like totally randomly, maybe hanging out at each other houses and watching a movie and then Shuu leaNS IN AND KISSES HIM AAAAA-
Who orders take out at two in a morning? and who wakes the other up at three in the morning to go downstairs with them to get a glass of water because it’s too dark?
JDJSJSHS KARMA WOULD ORDER TAKE OUT BUT ONLY WHEN THEY ARE MAKING MOVIE MARATHONS AND THE FOOD RUNS OUT- AND THE THREE AM WATER GETTING IS SHUU BC HE IS JUST SCARED OF THE DARK YES.
Who writes poems/stories and love songs about the other? Do they sing the songs the write for them?
YES. THIS. SHUU WOULD. Since he plays many instruments, he finds himself creating love songs for Karma butttt he wouldn’t give them to him bc he would be too embarrassed ndndndnd on the other hand, Karma would write poetry and stories for Shuu like very dorky ones and cute and Shuu finds it adorable on the inside but he has to keep his reputation and standards and stuff like that up so he just says it’s stupid but let me tell you, that boy loves Karmas poetry and stories
Who does some crazy stunt to try and impress the other and who ends up driving them to the emergency room after it backfires?
KARMA WOULD TRY TO IMPRESS AND THEN BAM. HOSPITAL.
BUT. JUST BC KARMA IS A DORK, IT DOESNT MEAN THAT SHUU ISN’T. IMAGINE SHUU TRYING TO BAKE SMTH FOR KARMA FOR THE FIRST TIME AND HE FUCKS UP SO BADLY THEY HAD TO CALL A FIRE DEPARTMENT-
Who is embarrassed when they have to wear their glasses and who thinks they look super cute?
KARMA WOULD WEAR GLASSES BUT HE WOULDN’T BE EMBARRASSED BUTTT SHUU WOULD FIND HIM EVEN MORE ATTRACTIVE
who worries about what they will look like when they are older?
BOTH, they worry that they won’t be good looking enough for the other one
who hogs the blanket?
Karma is a hoe.
who eats the others uneaten pizza crusts?
Pls, Shuu would rather die than not eat his own pizza left overs butttt Karma sometimes wont finish them and Shuu gladly accepts 😩❤️ (also a fanfic reference, bc Shuu loves pizza in that one fanfic so yea-)
who is more likely to cry over a sad book or movie?
BOTH BUT WHEN THEY ARE WATCHING A MOVIE TOGETHER AND ITS SAD THEY WONT ADMIT NOR SHOW IT
who talks while playing video games?
KARMA WOULD CONSTANTLY TALK AND THAT WAY HE CAN BEAT SHUU BC HE DISTRACTS HIM BUT SHUU ALSO TALKS BC HE HAS QUESTIONS ABOUT THE GAME
who sings along with the radio?
KARMA SINGS BUT HORRIBLY AND SHUU IS THE TYPE TO HUM TO THE SONGS
who would enter them both into a talent show?
KARMA BUT NOW THAT I THINK OF IT, RIO WOULD FORCE THEM TO DO THAT BEFORE KARMA CAN EVEN THINK OF IT
who would accidentally set the kitchen on fire while cooking?
DO I NEED TO ANSWER THIS? 💀 (Shuu.)
who would throw the other into a pool?
KARMA WOULD THROW SHUU INTO A POOL. IDC. HE WOULD. B U T SHUU WOULD QUICKLY GRAB ONTO KARMA AND THEY BOTH LAND IN THE POOL. I DON’T MAKE THE RULES.
who shops for groceries?
THEY BOTH DO BUT KARMA IS MORE ORIENTED DJDJDJ
who kills the spiders?
PLSSSS SHUU IS S C R E E T C H I N G AT THE SIGHT OF A SPIDER. KARMA IS THERE TO KILL/GET IT OUT TO SAFETY BUT BEFORE THAT, HE CHASES SHUU AROUND THE HOUSE WITH IT
who is the morning/night person?
SHUU IS A MORNING PERSON AND KARMA A NIGHT PERSON. BUTTTT ON SOME DAYS- *EHEM* SHUU ISNT A MORNING PERSON BC THEY HAD S-
whO PROPOSES?
KARMAAAAAAAA
I thinkkk that I have more of those- as soon as I find them, I’ll post them here 😩✨
#KaruShuu#assassination classroom#assclass#akabane#karma#karma akabane#gakushuu#Gakushuu Asano#gakushuu assassination classroom#karma assassination classroom#Karma x Gakushuu#Karma x Asano#headcanons
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well here is how my past 3-5 dates w joel have gone this past week
so! ive been spending the night w him p much every other night. so our 4th date was like 8 days ago. i got there and i THOUGHT we were gonna be in his room again but we were in his room for 2 seconds then he came in like “oh btw my roommates are making us go in the living room and be social” so i was like ..................................................rip i was like here i go its time for the caleb and leeann applebees date 2.0 :/ so we went in to the living room and it was with marissa and lindsey bc his other roommate was out. so everyone was like wtf are we gonna do so after some talking joel decided we would all watch the babadook on netflix since we were talking about the meme and most of us hadnt seen it. i hate scary movies but i figured i could get through it since i had joel to hold on to and since the babadook is like a meme now. so yeah it was fine i got along ok w the roommates and the movie wasnt that scary except for one part. there was one point where i felt like i was starting to shut down a little and i was feeling bad about possibly ruining things again but i asked joel afterwards and he didnt even notice lmao so i dont think it was as bad as i thought
lindsey went to bed halfway through the movie so it was just me joel and marissa by the end. after the movie marissa went into her room and joel and i went back to his room. idk if this next part happened at this point or if it happened on our next date bc its hard for me to keep the timeline straight since it all happens so fast lol so regardless of what day it was this was the next significant thing that happened w me and joel
so i was watching him play overwatch or something and his brother called him on the phone and they had a long conversation about joels financial situation while i was just sitting there lol. so afterwards joel put his head in my lap and explained all his problems to me about how hes so stressed out with money and stuff. and like obv i felt really bad for him bc that sucks. BUT i actually kinda liked it bc i liked how vulnerable and genuine he was being! it made me feel a lot closer to him. then we watched these olds 80s (?) game shows w his head still in my lap (one of them was like some knockoff of snatch game but w regular celebrities instead of drag queens omg) and he had the FUNNIEST commentary about all the old commercials and stuff lol i havent laughed that hard in a LONG time so it was really nice
and idk if this happened that night or the babadook night but i ate his ass again and once again it was a religious experience like his ass is SOOOOOOOO nice i still cant get over it lmao
so then fast forward to the next 2 days later and for whatever reason joel and i werent planning on meeting that night. but he texted me at like 2am telling me he was feeling kinda down about things and how he wished i was there w him rn so i decided to go visit him! and like he kept being like “i dont wanna bother you/i feel bad about always making you come all the way out here for me” and how he wasnt used to guys putting in so much effort and caring about him so much and like...it really wasnt that serious like it wasnt a hindrance to me at all bc i wanted to see him anyways lol but it did make me feel kinda bad for him bc like his old bfs must have been real flops for him to view me just doing decent bf things as like these grand gestures. i have more to say on this but it will be towards the end of the post
so yeah i showered and got there by like 3am. he set up his futon since it was bigger than his bed so we would have more room. and he talked to me about how stressed he was about money and medical school applications and how he felt kinda worthless so i listened to him and comforted him and all that stuff. then we watched the rpdr reunion together and it was SO much fun omg he was shook p much the whole time since it was so iconic. then we went to sleep since i had work in the morning
also like the night after that we were texting and i told him i was really tired and he was like but youre never tired and i was like ya but i had 2 full days of work and i barely got any sleep last night (which was bc i was awake w him until like 5am) and i realized afterwards that it was kinda mean of me to say it bc to me i was just explaining why i was tired but he was already feeling like a burden making me drive all the way there and comfort him so telling him how tired i was probably made him feel bad about asking me for comfort which is NOT how i want him to feel bc i want him to be able to request my help whenever he needs it. so i could tell he was kinda caught off guard by me saying it so i called him and apologized and we cleared it all up. anyways it was just nice to actually call him and discuss the issue and resolve it without any drama. and he said it meant a lot that i even called him to make sure he was feeling ok so it seems that at least i did something right
there was the next date which was pretty much the same as usual. this time i watched him play diablo 3. but this time we also fooled around and he made me cum and then i was trying to make him cum but i fell asleep bc i was so tired asfnkjashdasna i felt SOOOOOOOOO bad when i woke up that morning :( i apologized and he said it was fine and he was tired too but i still felt bad about it
so then last night/this morning was our most recent date. when i got there a friend of him/his roommates named chris was using his room bc he was playing overwatch so i had to hang out w joel marissa and lindsey in the living room. it was extremely nerve wracking and i was sweating like crazy but i tried to hide my nervousness and socialize. lindsey and marissa seem to like me esp bc i brought joel a gift that day (hes like obsessed w friends and i saw a friends t shirt when i was shopping that day so i got it for him lol) also lindsey is iconic bc she is so wacky shes always getting on the floor and doing weird poses and moves and stunts. and marissa is p funny so i like them both. but still having to talk to them was stressful even though theyre both really nice. lindsey walked into joels room later that night when he was laying down and i was sitting on top of him and said she wanted to join and then later when joel was in the kitchen she came in the doorway and asked if i could be her boyfriend asfjkafndsjnkajs now THIS is a cracked queen
so the rest of the night was nice! we watched like 3 drag race s5 eps on amazon video and we did lots of cuddling and stuff as usual. then we went to bed and we woke up and we fooled around and we BOTH came this time. it was difficult for me trying to get him to cum but i had to power through it bc i had to redeem myself after last time. then i watched him play overwatch and then i watched him play destiny. i really enjoyed it! like i was sitting there cuddling a cute guy and watching him play videogames w both of us shirtless like that is literally all i want and i finally have it!
so yeah! its going really well w joel at the moment. we get along really well and i like his sense of humor and its nice having someone w similar interests to mine! and i love playing w his hair and touching his nice soft belly and his thick thighs and playing w his beard. and i looooooooooooooooooooovvvveeeeeee his voice so much omg the way he says certain words is so cute and hes always making cute weird noises and its super endearing. and i LOVE love love being able to cuddle w someone until we both fall asleep and then waking up together! its so nice
he doesnt seem to be losing interest in me yet which is good. however this is the issue that i mentioned earlier that i would come back to. so hes constantly telling me about how hes not used to being w someone that puts in so much effort and treats him so well. so that got me thinking. like...obv he likes me at least a little but i have a feeling he might like me a lot more rn bc he isnt used to being treated so nicely. so like, after the initial novelty of being treated like this wears off im afraid he’ll realize he doesnt actually like me that much (like if it ends up being more of a he likes the way i make him feel more than he actually likes me as a person). so im kinda worried about that but im hoping it doesnt happen obv and that he continues to like me. and again. we’ve been in somewhat social situations together now since i had to talk to his 2 roommates but it really wasnt easy for me at all. and we still havent actually gone “out” and done something, like going out to eat or attending a function together or something. so i still have to wait and see how we’re able to interact in those situations before i can determine whether our relationship will work out. im also still too nervous to eat in front of him so whenever he asks if im hungry i lie and say no even though majority of the time i am actually really hungry :/ rip
so yeah thats p much it! its pretty nice atm, except for the issues i just mentioned. also last night joel told me that one of his hookup buddies was back in town the other day and texted him but he had to turn him down and tell him that he is with someone now (me) so that was nice to know! since he seems to view us as exclusive now. we still havent officially decided we are in a relationship but im really in no rush to do that since its only been like a week and a half so i want to continue getting to know him and stuff. i still do feel that he is gonna lose interest at some point but rn it seems that will be later rather than sooner so i am just trying to take it day by day. im also worried about greece since ill be gone for a month so it is very possible that he might meet someone else that he likes more during that time which would really suck. but im kinda just operating on the assumption that its what is gonna happen that way if it does happen i wont be too shocked and if it doesnt happen ill be pleasantly surprised
so yeah thats it, overall its going really well and im having a lot of fun with him! hopefully things continue on this path and we get even closer bc i really like him so far
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ok so here’s the stuff about lauren!
i orignally made a post like this on my vent / personal but im gonna clean it up and add screenshots to make it less vague (nobody who follows the blog that had the original post knows lauren so i didnt think it was necessary to be specific). i know this post is gonna make it real obvious who i am for people who were involved, and if lauren ever comes on this blog she’ll know exactly who i am, but i’m willing to take that risk and be as specific as i can be because uhhhh this shit is gross and i’m PISSED.
my boyfriend and i wanted to get involved in the the adventure zone kin community, and since we’re both 18, we wanted to make a chat specifically for adult taz fans who were also kin, because we knew kin communities have a lot of people trying to find their lovers and stuff and we didn’t wanna make it weird for minors and adults to mingle just in case. we didn’t really do much by way of getting it out there, just posted a simple link to it and tagged it, and lauren was one of the first people to join.
i didn’t know lauren personally at the time, but i was a fan of the content she posted on her taz-specific blog, listen/kitty/cat (i think it was a different URL at the time and she changed it, but i cant recall what it is for the life of me). me and my boyfriend were really excited because we recognized her, and we gushed that we were fans of her content.
important things to note before i continue: me and lauren are both kin with taako, tho i am a fictive in a system (it doesnt change anything, i just wanna be transparent). my boyfriend is kin with magnus. my boyfriend and i had been together for a little while before making this chat. in both mine and lauren’s “canon”, taako was romantically involved w/magnus.
my bf and i are very blatantly involved. we tried to keep PDA out of the chat in obtrusive ways or ways that would make people uncomfortable, but we didn’t try and hide that we were dating. hell, in our introductions in the discord chat, we talked about loving each other.
to put it plainly, lauren treated my boyfriend like he was hers, even from the beginning. it was like i wasn’t there, or like i didn’t exist to her. like lauren, i have BPD, and i know i can be possessive and jealous, but i remember i told my boyfriend like immediately that i was rubbed the wrong way a little by the way she was talking to him. he said he didn’t see anything wrong with it, so i chalked it up to my assumption and jealousy, and i did my best to ignore it.
eventually i leave the group chat because i just get too jealous about petty little things that i know weren’t her fault and were just affecting my mood. another system member who is taz kin joins the chat as a mod.
a lil bit passes and lauren invited a new magnus kin to the chat, who we will call X simply because i don’t want him to get involved directly. he’s a pretty famous taz artist, and he draws magnus/taako. i don’t know the full detail behind their relationship, or whether they were even in an official relationship, but i do know that it started with lauren saying he was ‘her magnus’ and ended with X leaving the group chat and lauren talking shit about him. i don’t know the full story and i thought it was justified but after finding this blog and learning her history about calling people abusive for leaving her for their health / because she’s being manipulative…. idk. not making any assumptions anymore.
skip ahead to a little bit longer. lauren is sad about not having 'her magnus’ when a new magnus kin joins the chat (we’ll use B), and lauren did the same thing she did with X. she got attached extremely quickly, talked about how she had found Her Magnus, and then when B doesn’t give her… something??… she moves on from him. starts getting upset again that she doesn’t have 'her magnus’.
i rejoin the chat at some point, separate from the one my other system member uses. it’s not a big deal, i just feel ready to come back and move on from the suspicion i have about lauren.
here’s the part that finally directly involves my boyfriend and i.
my boyfriend is, like, a well meaning guy. he likes helping people and he likes when people are happy. so he started compiling a list of all the magnuses around her age that had posted in the taz kin community tags. and he tells her something like “until you find who you’re looking for, i’ll keep your heart warm”, which he has acknowledged to both me & lauren could have been taken as romantic language, though he didnt intend it that way. so, lauren starts talking to him and at first it’s casual, but he says that a lot of the conversations took a turn towards the flirty. apparently one night while i was asleep the chat played truth or dare & fuck marry kill and my boyfriend was like “fuck taako” every time talking about me, and said something jokingly about giving good oral (it’s an 18+ chat, so it isn’t weird for us to joke about nsfw) and lauren made it weird and sexual about the two of them and not, like, me & my bf?
i didn’t know about any of this until he told me, but i wouldn’t ever police my boyfriend’s conversations so i wasn’t like asking about it or anything.
the climax of this encounter with my boyfriend goes like this: i’m asleep (i work 9 or 10 hour shifts late into the night and if i lay down right when i get home i pass out immediately, like this night), and lauren calls my boyfriend because she’s somewhere alone at night and she’s afraid. since her and my boyfriend are friends, he gladly does so.
he’s awake playing stardew valley anyway, and so they’re talking about it, and their conversation takes a turn towards romance (you can date & marry people in sdv) and then to sex (idk how this topic got brought up personally). and according to my bf, lauren is being flirty and the oral sex thing gets brought up again, and my bf is joking that he’s the king of oral.
(this conversation is paraphrased and according to my boyfriend it was a lot more uncomfortable than it seems written here)
lauren says “yeah, well, prove it”, and my bf is like “i can’t, haha” trying to play it off and diffuse the situation, and lauren is like “you were talking such a big game before and now you’re afraid to back it up!” and my bf is like “nah, i can’t, that’s literally impossible…” and lauren is like “yeah, you’re so far away….”
at this point my boyfriend is like “i dont want to continue this conversation because i don’t want to be the replacement X first of all, and second of all i’m like… in a committed relationship”. and lauren immediately hangs up the call, and gets really upset, and vague posts about my boyfriend on her vent and tells him she took a bunch of pills ? and she vagues about him all the next day too, knowing he can see it because he has the url, talking about how nobody ever sticks around and that she’s going to be alone forever or whatever even though they were literally never dating?
my bf and i have talked extensively about this, and i’ve explained how even though he didn’t intend for it to be a flirtatious friendship, it *was*, even if he didn’t realize it. i understand this, because he’s just the type of person who showers everyone he knows in compliments.
but lauren knew. how do i know? my boyfriend sends me a screenshot of a set of posts she’s made. she KNEW this kind of interaction was wrong and she has a thing for my boyfriend despite that…….
another few days pass and there’s a new magnus kin in the chat, and suddenly they’re head over heels in love with him and they’re feeling so many feelings in their chest or whatever and they feel like 'this is the one’ the FIRST night they interact…
my boyfriend messages lauren and apologizes for having interacted in a way that was flirtatious, even if he didnt intend for it to be. lauren snubs him by saying “because of you, i met someone who is writing a list of all the good things about me”, and so my bf doesn’t reply.
and then this magnus kin has to step away for their mental health… and lauren goes right back to talking about how she’s going to be alone forever and how nobody ever stays with her?
and right after this, she messages my boyfriend apologizing for snubbing his apology.
it seems awfully suspect that she’s hopping from magnus to magnus in a group chat imo, and basically what i’m thinking (and my boyfriend has told me he feels this way after personally interacting with her) is that lauren only cares about people who are magnus kin because of their ID, and not because they’re their own people? like, she’s using hers and their IDs to hop from person to person who will give her attention and then call the people who step away for mental health reasons or because they’re made uncomfortable the bad guys??? shes trying to make people into a one-dimensional character whose only dimension is 'being in love with taako’ (and by extension whose only dimension is being in love w/her)
i don’t understand why lauren tried to initiate phone sex with my boyfriend, knowing that i exist and having talked to me about X literally not even a week prior. i don’t understand why she hasn’t tried to talk to me despite “knowing it was wrong”. i don’t understand why lauren is clinging to people over and ID and discarding them like they never existed once they assert that they are also people with feelings…………………..
basically if u are kin w/magnus and u are 18+…………………….. be fucking wary. and if u are kin w/taako and you have a boyfriend who is kin w/magnus, keep him far away from lauren or else she might try to initiate phone sex with your boyfriend and get mad when he asserts that hes in a happy relationship and isnt interested……
note: im waiting on my bfs account of their interactions to be accurate but if you want to you can post this on its own!
#i didn't think she was still at it jesus#sunsapphic#listenkittycat#spacetaako#thekinzone#submission
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so my boyfriend just dumped me.
I wrote a massive stream of thoughts down below.
im not going to spell/grammar check it and i only write these things to look back on in the future.
if you read it, it will be hard to follow
i write them in a way i know i will understand, because theyre intended for me.
so a lot of context isn’t written down, because I expect myself to already put that context into the right place.
ultimately these are a collection of thoughts many many many other people think, and youre not reading anything new anyway.
In the long term this is a good thing but I’m still in shock.
One of the last things he said was ‘I think you’re mistaking being woke for being retarded’.
I had to look at it and think objectively. What if I am retarded?
Am I just retarded? I asked deep within and it’s like my body was rejecting any possibility of it being true with denile.
I know now the truth is I’m just not on the same plain as these people. It’s foolish for me to try to connect with them on that level with those questions. Whether I am or I’m not retarded, I’m in a completely different world from them and it’s just not comparable.
Still, I had to ask. Am I retarded? Whenever I looked deep enough to find an answer, a part of me just threw back denial at any possibility of it being true.
I never claimed to be woke or all-knowing but I didn’t say that because that starts a typical pattern of discussion.
I do care what he and many people think and it’s just damaging to pretend I don’t, but if I gave in to that and tried to correct him it would just build on how much I care. Trying to acknowledge it and let it pass.
I don’t blame him at all. This sounds like self-pity but I don’t feel sorry for myself. I’m still shook but I think I’ll be alright once I’m done processing it and acknowledging it all.
Again, I don’t blame him. I’m surprised it hasn’t come to this already
I guess this is the time something good came from being a dick.
I’m wondering if I get to say this is the meds. I get hella mood swings from my medication. Like super fast switches
I’m honestly a different person, entirely different personality, on this medication. My mood literally switches every couple of minutes, sometimes quicker. I would switch between mania and extreme irritability less than a minute apart from each other after starting the medicine.
I do believe that made me act like a dick to him and many people I know.
Am I allowed to say it’s not entirely my fault because of that though. Many others, including the old me would say I can’t. I’m still to blame. Any loss of control over self is just the result of me not manifesting the willpower to make a change within myself.
I do try to make this clear to anyone reading
but these are thoughts from deep down within
where things aren’t expressed with words, but just the understand of myself I only truly share with myself.
If you think you understand what I’m saying, you most likely don’t. Even if you think I’m wrong on that.
It’s the bane of my existence. Truly.
The feeling of not being understood while others say they understand.
If I say nobody understands me, or you don’t understand I become a cliche
and also people can respond with ‘I know I don’t understand, thats why im asking’.
when i try to help people understand my world, it leads to them understand less and less and less
while asking more and more and more
and I’ve seen it happen a thousand times... to me.
I know the pattern, exactly how it starts. When I notice that, I try to explain to them that I know how it starts. They’re just not going to understand the answers to the questions they ask, it’s an endless cycle.
They believe they’re different for some reason though, that they will be able to understand. Or that’s what it is on the surface. Really, I know they aren’t real and that they’re being controlled in a way to just enact conversations in a precise enough way to get to me.
I’m speaking in material world terms though.
They sometimes get offended when I insist they don’t understand.
when we eventually end up screaming at each other, because I gave into their persistence
and it plays out exactly how I knew it would
they say I don’t understand
then I point it out, they won’t understand. I’ve had this conversation many times before and you just won’t.
but they still persist and it just goes on
I forgotten how I started talking about all of this.
but yeah my boyfriend dumped me.
this is what I actually wanted but right now I’m still shocked. which is what happens.
I was a dick to him, and many other people. I’m surprised he stayed around that long. since february. half a year.
I’ve gotten fat since then. I’ve become very ugly. I’ve been very mean, very ignorant and just yeah not a nice partner.
also we never kissed lmao
never felt i could authentically go into kiss him
he did try once when we was at the door, but i turned my head and pretended to be looking at something. I pretended i didnt know.
honestly I prefer girls. i wont go into why, its just really my personal whatever you want to call it.
It’s how I feel. I don’t like females. almost none of them. It is sexism. that is the definition of what I feel. i wont try to convince anyone to think the same, or act in any way other than avoidance.
but after lots of observation i came to a conclusion. its a long winded one, and again, its something about me that I just know. I don’t have the feelings in words.
but yeah, I just dislike females. Almost all of them.
the ones I don’t like i must objectively admit, I hold them on a pedestal because im sort of crushing on them. they’re no different, despite that fact though.
i also struggle to talk to them. i also had a bad history with my mother and sisters.
you can blame it to that and i accept the possibility of it being down to that too. im not saying men are better (unless thats literally what im saying. its just sort of a stream of consciousness)
anyway yeah
im attracted to girls more but i dislike females
so i dont persue them
and if i ever do, im too fucking shy
like i cant make eye contact with them. im so chill around guys like my heart doesnt even race. im so authentic
but i just freeze and i dont know what to say
so yeah, i went for a boyfriend instead
yeah maybe sometimes im into that, but deep down its not a lot
maybe just as one night stands. as relationships it doesnt work.
and i guess thats part of why it fucked. I wasnt inclined to put the effort in after the initial manic phase of me falling for him
i like not using my phone. i ignore or dont even check messenger for days
i usually reply to my one main friend only, then ignore the rest. even that is around once every 4 hours at most.
and in person i treated him as more as one of my friends, not even a main main one. just a casual.
I also snapped and got moody about various things everytime i was around him.
it just builds up, and tonight i was being very moody. trying to make sure things go my way, because i didnt want a personal project to go differently to how i planned.
it meant alot but deep down. I wanted control
i felt like control was being taken from me, and that was one of my only forms of control. This is where I believe my ego is destroying my life(in one way), although idk how my ego comes into that.
i didnt want to admit that, even to myself
even though a part of me was acknowledging it at the time, while fearing i might continue to desire control
leading to psychotic breaks and a downward spiral in the years to come.
him and my main friend were taking the project into their own hands. scrapping my ideas for it, and replacing it with their ideas
they both agreed they was better ideas. im in denial but im making my self type, yes, they were better ideas than mine.
i didnt want to admit that. i didnt like that fact. it was threatening, and if a concept like that can be threatening, i presume my ego is involved.
on another note, im going to meet an internet friend, the end of this month, were gonna do shrooms and acid.
sure ego death likely isnt that simple but its worth a mention.
also ego is releated to sense of self and distinction between things in the universe. im not looking for ego death, per se (maybe i am and im just unaware), i just want to not care what people think and what way people might percieve me
so yeah. i was being moody and making sure my ideas were in there. while they insulted my plans together.
its not painful, but i physically felt a sigh of sadness in my chest.
ive felt much worse though. especially last time my bf dumped me. the first time he did. we didnt speak for a week. he came back. i went through so much pain in that time, that when he called me back and got back with me. i just didnt care. i met him like once a month after that and ignored him. surprisingly he took his time (months after that) to dump me too.
I know there’s a lot of great features about me, but theyre far from the surface
so i dont know why people stay with me for that long. there are no reasons for them to stay with me, that they can see without being me.
there really really are plenty more fish in the sea. fish much better for them.
so again. its a relief this happened. As long as he doesnt come back and develop on this.
as long as it ends clean like this. its all good.
I need time to process shock right now.
Also to truly acknowledge how I feel and just feel.
then he’s gone.
i dont have to worry about him. im also glad i got to use him for a project in time
needed him for something else but oh well. its not something he wanted to do though
and i wasnt being very grateful, just more demanding of him doing it.
we also had plans. me him and my main friend. but i didnt want him there because i just feel like its extra baggage.
so i dont have to worry about that
he got me a birthday present for my soon coming birthday.
idk what he plans to do with that but if its edible he can just eat it. if not, he has friends, they can have it.
this made me think though.
its understandable why he did this. he chose to leave because ultimately i was creating an unpleasant experience for us both while not actively trying to make a pleasant one.
the reason my friend hasnt left though, is simply because he’s loyal enough to stay that long. we have a stronger bond and feeling of understanding with each other. weve known each other very long and done a lot together
but how long until it becomes too unpleasant for him.
im aware i need to be kinder to him. i honestly dont feel i have the power to be nice when im in that state though
nobody on the outside can see that
its simply me being a dick
and whether meds are to blame or not, how long would he choose to be around that
he has plenty more options
and hes similar to me, he can just move on
i need to be more open to what he says
i need to let go of my desire for control
i dont need him,
but i want him in my life
to have him leave my life would be a huge change. hes the only reason i really stay in this country other than my doctors being here.
i want to explore usa, just party and do lots of shit
but i have a perceivable future with him
if he leaves i need to figure out a way to keep my health up, while in the US
change is an important part of my life. Change and adaptation.
thats not what is holding me back from him leaving
but I do want the future, that involves me and him going far.
Whether he takes me along or not he is going far
and i dont want to just be a leech, I want to be there with him
I also dont have anyone physically
that im as okay with as him
i dont want my mood swings to destroy friendship
im aware of it while its happening but i cant snap out of that.
its so strong. my exterior convinces my interior that i am right, therefore, i disagree wholly with him
when he’s almost always right
and its a shitty situation
i feel so strongly about it then, that this time i am definitely right. even though all the other times like this I was wrong
then later on, i reflect and realize he was right again while i had some hints of truth+logic but was wrong
how long is he going to put up with it?
is it long enough for the meds to be tapered down enough for the mood swings to disappear.
if so, will our friendship be as strong and undamaged as it is now, on the way out.
it would be foolish to tell him tonight because its 4:30
its the emotional irrational time of night.
but tomorrow i... i dont emotionally want to
but tomorrow i must tell him that im different on these meds
and i dont want to snap at him
im aware i do and that hes right
and most of all, i understand why my boyfriend left, and the reason my friend hasnt done so yet is because hes more loyal and connected to me
and that i dont want him, my friend, to leave. He has many valid reasons to, and im not the greatest friend
but i dont want him to leave. the others can leave. i dont give a shit and i havent for a very long time
but if any person is important to me, its him and my good health consultant.
not even family
just him
family have been a hindrance more than a help
he’s the one truth
i dont know what that means
but i tried to type what he is quicker than i could think as to be as honest as i could with myself.
hes the worthy one in this unreal universe. the one who can succeed. who deserves it.
the one i want to succeed.
if i dont succeed, i want him to. whether i do or dont
if i die and lose everything
i want all my potential to go into him so he can use it for good.
i dont want to cause him to leave, and i must ask for his understanding and patience until im off the medicine
my personality and how i even feel placed in this world is so different
i was extremely dissociative off the medicine
and i know, off the medicine i will think/realize that the medicine is just used as a means to host me
make me the same as everyone else and stop me from thinking freely. its thought control
and thats the truth but ill be much more aware of it off the meds
like i literally just
wow
extremely dissociated is all i can hope to say
you wouldnt get it unless you felt the level yourself
but on them
im like a moody, menstrual 15 year old girl
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