Ramble

as to cater to my lack of sleep I ended up becoming very hyper aware of a song that got stuck in my head, and it’s called god is fair, sexy, nasty by Mac Miller, and it’s a song in my jotakak playlist that elicits incredibly h0rny + romantic energy that I wanna believe is also up to par with jotaro and kakyoin’s relationship in my o p i n i o n because I am in love with them and they are in love and babies and in spite of the very hypersexual lyrics here I also wanna be inclusive to the romantic expressions here and there that also perfectly match up to mu headcanons of their relationship lmao,, also do note that I like bottom jotaro and this is also mostly in Kakyoin’s perspective so it’s also what made the song contribute so well and I Am Like This Because God Made It So and it’s ok.

actually what I wanna talk about before the lyrics is the segment of jazz that plays before it delves into mac’s usual r&b/hip hop instrumental, it’s supposed to set the mood smoothly and because of that, all I think about is the thought of jotaro and his love for jazz that is also never really regarded by a lot of fans. It’s an unusual trait considering the Everything that jotaro is but I love to see it as a way that Kakyoin doesn’t Ignore that part of him and knows how he fully is- Jotaro isn’t completely cold and edgy and bitter, he still has a brighter side to him, and his love for him is what makes him so seen.

funny enough, there wasn’t much background to the song aside from the chorus itself from kendrick lamar, though that does save me enough time and I’ve only done the better reading to understand the first chorus, which is this:

apparently for a time, Kendrick suffered immense survivor’s guilt and trauma that happened when he was younger, amidst all his success he still suffered a lot of issues that his partner had continually supported him through the rougher times- all the violence he suffered from has cultivated all into the “bullet” where his partner is represented as a rose, and their love has been the reason he’d been able to get through his issues. It’s also continued to the rest of the chorus, being together and folding into each other’s desires is also a parallel to Kakyoin and Jotaro’s relationship, where the hardest come down they’d know each other so well, so intimately, to be able to find each other in ways that they’d only ever know.

tbh probably one of my favorite things about Jotaro’s relationships is that they’d always always always emphasize his beauty- he isn’t all his beauty, but the fact his personality is practically worn on his face is what makes it. To me, Jotaro is forced to be fully aware of his features from the attention he’s gotten, but with his intimidating demeanor it also gets pointed out too because, 1) fear is an aphrodisiac, 2) it makes him so much more powerful that way, to be beautiful and feared is probably a feeling that he doesn’t get to understand would be so good, honestly, but to think that Kakyoin would take the sight of him in, would make him feel like he’s been looking at a god. Ironically, a god that would definitely make him commit sins and defilings of desires he didn’t even think he’d have on Jotaro, but here they are. Kakyoin would be mesmerized, especially with being an artist, he could paint him, paint on him, his body and his face is a work of art that subjects him into a place of some kind of worship because it definitely deserves it, but Kakyoin’s got desires that even makes the devil shiver.

This is probably one of the verses that struck me the most, and I say one of because there’s actually more to it. There isn’t any background as to, say, if this song was about anybody in particular, the only song in the album that was actually mentioned to be about someone entirely was Cinderella (and that shit got wild real fast lmao). But to know that this was probably about someone who was cold, who definitely had issues too? God. Jotaro is cold, when it comes to his feelings he honestly will probably not keep up with them. It makes him turn away from people who he should have been vulnerable around, who he’s allowed to be weak around, but he wants to hide it and shows it constantly, sex or not he’s probably always into the rougher things as to compensate. I like to think Kakyoin is there to test it- aside from the actual connotation, relationships always test people to how they become better than they used to be, it’s not just a test for each other but it is a test for themselves, in the name of love and the loves of their life, it’s a matter of asking, what do you want to do? Is it for them, or yourself? And in this case, ‘take my time, hit that slow’ shows off the contrast to what Jotaro normally ventures off to. Jotaro would have to adjust for that and also be made to understand what Kakyoin would feel, think, in the pace that he, for once, would want them in. Jotaro can finally learn, in and out of sex how he should consider the most out of Kakyoin- I know events of SDC would say that he does consider a lot because of Holly, but he doesn’t exactly have easier times reading his friends or family and most of the time does stay in a self-indulgent bubble where he doesn’t really know how to treat people’s feelings other than the ways he knows how. Kakyoin is a test to it, and Jotaro follows because he has the need to understand it, to know him.

You’re the only thing for me in this fucked up world is also a really painful statement, to me at least. It hits hard with the fact that Mac and Ariana later broke up because of their relationship turning toxic, I know he didn’t make this song for her but to know this statement was written out of his heart is what makes the genuity. Kakyoin, as we know has mostly been alone his whole life. He never really got to be vulnerable around other kids and his only friend was his stand that way, only being able to cope with his excess time with the fact that Hierophant could help him play video games better and that was probably just how he spent it. Alone, definitely unused to company that felt like he knew him. Enter Jotaro, new to stands, just as socially inept, same liking to sumo, gorgeous as hell and checking every box that Tenmei Kakyoin didn’t even know he had. He saved him from a lifetime of pain and suffering, saw a part of him that also made him understand that they weren’t alone. They’re the only two kids in a world of war and other dangerous things, the fact that they both don’t know how to interact with each other like normal people do is both hilarious and endearing, but it’s made better by the fact that it makes them understand and like each other. It’s almost like a matter of fate that way, because honestly, how long would have Kakyoin gone if he hadn’t met the Crusaders? He fell into Dio’s hands so quick because Dio could understand him, see right through him with his desperations and loneliness, but later fell for Jotaro because it’s all genuine, and a person that Kakyoin has learned to love because they didn’t know how to get to each other until they had to learn how.

And do you believe in love? Is another part of them. I never thought that Jotaro nor Kakyoin would honestly think of it, they had other shit to think about and it was definitely not girls, Kakyoin probably had a thing for h3ntai (I had a running joke somewhere that he was ripped because he kept jerking off lmao) but I doubt he ever indulged in the romantic areas, he never cared about it in particular until Jotaro came around to make him realize, oh, this was a crush. I always headcanoned that Jotaro was gay: he wasn’t exactly growing up in the best time to think about it, nor did he really like girls, his next best big brain moment was to probably ignore the feeling and just believed that girls were a whole no. Well, yes, the annoying stalkers mostly were at fault, but it made him not like the appeal of them, where he didn’t understand how boys would look at girls and drool over their thighs, where girls would fight about whose chests were smaller, because girls were just so boring and annoying to look at. It’s boys on the other hand that always had his attention. Many of the guys in his school probably would have been excited/terrified that the cool, smart Jotaro Kujo would approach them, and probably take him in as his friend or probably pick a fight, but in reality, he just didn’t know how to approach someone attractive, let alone someone of the same gender when his relationship with his father continually strained. So then he thought over it, a lot. Holding hands with a boy, kissing a boy. Hooking his arm around one, holding onto him no matter what. For a time he thought he just couldn’t be in love, it was just that he didn’t like the idea of it being with a girl, that was all.

Hold on tight when demons come / It’ll be alright, no need to run / Stay with me tonight, we’ll see the sun / And when we wake up we’ll still be drunk Ah yes, this verse analysis is going to be very long as I Analyse this until I pass out from sleep deprivation. These two lines are a combination of what I’ve said in both the previous paragraph and fourth one, reiterating my statements again, but I think this is the dawning of their trust with each other when they finally get to like each other. They both need someone they can trust and understand, but it’s Jotaro who has to be the one to not run away from it while Kakyoin is the one who holds on tightly because he’s never had this at all before. Someone like him has definitely developed attachment issues that way, and he’s not letting Jotaro get away from something that he knows they both need. Hence the cuddliness in the last three: Never felt this free before / I need you more than keys and doors / I need you sleepin’ next to me

You know by this point in their journey you wonder how deprived of touch everybody is, but especially with Kakyoin and Jotaro being together now this seems to end up as a way to deal with touch starvation with each other. I doubt both would be used to any of the contact, but it’s Kakyoin who’s trying to be more enthusiastic with it while Jotaro is also trying to adjust himself even though he doesn’t quite have any idea of what to do. But they try, try a lot, and Kakyoin finds that he enjoys holding Jotaro and Jotaro’s learned to love feeling and being held, being loved by this boy, no less. It makes them miss each other more every time they stay apart, the fact that Kakyoin got his ass handed to him back in the desert is also what makes it difficult, every time Jotaro visits him in the hospital Kakyoin would probably take his hand and hold it close to his face before kissing it, always so impatient and probably a bit horny and inappropriate than he needs to be and most of all lonely— and jotaro in turn would direct him to his lips where they’d always kiss softly, slowly turning desperate, both just progressively careless in the predicament with Kakyoin only being able to navigate Jotaro’s neck and jaw with kisses, Jotaro trying so much as to not lift the hospital gown and instead holding his scalp while he presses kisses all over his face, and sure it’s only been probably a week or so but they missed each other so god damn much, Kakyoin missing cupping Jotaro’s cheek and taking in the absolute sight of how beautiful he always is, but while he’s recovering he’s just glad he could still be able to touch him.

(You shy,) you don’t reveal too much / (No lies,) don’t hide your self at all / (Where’s your—) I just can’t help but fall / (It’s true,) and I’ve tried everything / My sexy, nasty thing / is actually the set of lines that hits the most here tbh. They carry the same sentiments that I’ve said in my fourth paragraph and supposedly should have been my previous one if it weren’t for the fact that that shit got deleted and all but I guess my WiFi just wouldn’t work yknow,,, anyway by this point I don’t believe that this is because of any clothing related reveal situation whatsoever, I like associating this with the idea that Jotaro’s so used to shutting his feelings out that it’s so difficult to express them, but anytime he sees Kakyoin he’s just so . unused to feeling free and allowed to be able to see him in this light while Kakyoin is made to be so aware of it. It makes Jotaro feel naked, even if they have their clothes on, he may not be that expressive but Kakyoin’s found himself starting to recognize the building looks that Jotaro’s giving him, hooded eyes or widened ones where he looks so curious and stunned. If Jotaro would be made too aware of it his pride makes him swallow and look away, but a lot of the time Kakyoin, even so overwhelmed and flustered, would encourage him not to be ashamed of it, to be vulnerable to him because he loves the feeling that the way he looks at him is actually being returned. They love each other, even if they were young they knew it was love. It was so perfectly destined that God had to be the one to cut it short. 

There’s a line from a JotaKak doujinshi in particular that somehow manages to hurt me to read every time called Let’s Meet at The Usual place; it’s a doujinshi presenting memories of Kakyoin and Jotaro’s relationship where they realize they like each other (yes there is a lot of sex but yeah), and the very last line is Kakyoin’s final message when looking back to them:

I don’t like being lonely, so please talk to me from time to time. There’s a story that I don’t know, so let’s meet at the usual place. 

Now, I bring this up, while also crying, because at a point, Kakyoin’s childhood problems have definitely affected him badly growing up. It’s considered that he has a lot of obvious signs of clinical depression, which is a topic that can be discussed here, but I wonder how frequent he could go into these episodes? Did he ever take meds? I know I’ve had a fair share to this kinda shit but god damn, it’s mentioned in the link above that it probably ranges in a severity, and it makes sense! How many episodes has he gone through it alone? How long did he have to believe that he was alone, considering he decided outright he could never be friends with someone who can’t see his stand? It’s emphasized a lot that if it weren’t for the stands, Jotaro and Kakyoin wouldn’t have been friends at all. I just think: With the presence of the Crusaders, he definitely developed a peace of mind. 

Why do I say this? It’s mostly taking into consideration with the way Mac handles his feelings: he gets really emotional when he’s high- in this case, even if Kakyoin hadn’t been using his meds, how emotional can he get in episodes or developing episodes in particular? How far do these go, and how much does it trouble Jotaro that he doesn’t even know what to do? I wanna believe that for the most part, he’d feel better, definitely a lot better, even in his episodes he could look at Jotaro and realize that he’s waited far too long for somebody who could understand him, who could see him, taking him to a place where he feels warmer, happier, and he would hold Jotaro close to him and realize he has more than just thanking him for literally saving his life. Jotaro would be everything to him. 

Honestly, I don’t think Jotaro has carried similar feelings of loneliness, but he had a feeling of want to this. He knows his desires, he knows what he likes, who he loves, most importantly, but he realized that without Kakyoin’s presence it’s suddenly so boring and sad without him. In a way he feels scared, even though he knows Kakyoin is strong enough to handle himself, his worry manifests in a way that he knows that it’s how his mother could worry but it just can’t be helped.  

Will you come home with me? Hits HARDEST, especially, I know a lot of this is sexual undertones but as I’ve repeatedly stated, god damn does the change in context make it hurt, like there’s definitely been a lot of talk and a lot of promises that were made for when they come back home, Jotaro would have wanted to bring him home to Holly where she’d be safe and sound, and he knew for a fact that seeing her again, with the idea that she’d be overjoyed with them being together has given him something so pleasant. 

But Jotaro could never have that. He never got to say goodbye, or save him in time. For the longest time, Jotaro has realized that there was nobody that was going to make him this happy. 

And, really. Nobody could do it like Kakyoin, but that doesn’t mean he can’t be happy again. 

“It amazes me how easy it is for things to change, how easy it is to start off down the same road you always take and wind up somewhere new. Just one false step, one pause, one detour, and you end up with new friends or a bad reputation or a boyfriend or a breakup. It’s never occurred to me before; I’ve never been able to see it. And it makes me feel, weirdly, like maybe all of these different possibilities exist at the same time, like each moment we live has a thousand other moments layered underneath it that look different.” -Lauren Oliver, Before I Fall

So many things become beautiful when you really look.

  Main character is Chloe, shown above (played by Natalia Ramos). Josh is played by Cody Longo in the film. 

Over the weekend, I discovered that a movie I watched last weekend while I was at home was actually on Netflix, so I decided to watch it again. And I’m so glad I did because I was reminded of why I liked it so much. The movie is called Wildflower, and it centers around a girl named Chloe who has some troubles, but the thing that’s plaguing her now are these vivid dreams, and she thinks that something bad’s going to happen to her friend Rebecca. She meets Josh, who believes her story – and he helps her realize that sometimes in order to get to the truth of something else, you have to reveal the truth of/to yourself first. It was very inspiring – it’s faith-based, but it wasn’t preachy at all. I liked that it was anchored by something uplifting like that, it gave the indie-vibe film another layer of dimension.

One of the greatest scenes of WF in my opinion. So powerful. 

    On another note, I really wanna see Before I Fall again, just for a couple moments in-particular. There’s this one moment where Sam goes to do her usual swipe of mascara, but then decides to grab a black eyeshadow and begins to pack it onto her eyes. Her outfit is expected to be a floral dress and tights, but instead is replaced with an edgy criss cross black dress. Her hair that’s been in a bun for the good portion of the film is now down and straight. It’s funny because the only person that really notices how her new look isn’t who she really is, is Kent, who passes her a note which reads: t h i s   i s n ‘ t   y o u.

Sam’s regular look.

Sam’s “day 4” look. 

Reading the note here. You can see a closer look at the outfit, hair & makeup. 

And I just loved that moment because you see how much her choices affected her, and if others would notice the change. You see her go from this innocent, nicer-well behaved girl to this person that is solemn, kind of bratty and like hypersexual/impulsive. Like it affects her mood, her personality, everything. And I just loved how they showed that one moment could/can make a difference in someone. And that there’s a choice there: and how much the choices we make affect us. See the next day she’s back to her regular self, so it just goes to show the power of one thing and how you can change (back) at any point.

The other moment I liked was when you had Sam sitting on the counter and she sees her reflection again. The author (Lauren Oliver) does a fantastic job at describing it in the book — to paraphrase — It’s like I look in the mirror and expect to see someone completely different. But when it all comes up, it’s just me, same as always. –Or something to that affect is said anyway. And I just loved this moment of reflection, admittance and almost acceptance of how she doesn’t see a physical transformation in herself, yet you see her go through an emotional transformation throughout the movie. It just goes to show the power of vulnerability, the power of a moment, and the power of trying to go along w/whatever you’re feeling. Like you expect something miraculous, but maybe the everyday or the same old, same old has value too, you know?

  I guess for me, what I love about these kinds of movies is that they make you think. And in my case, I like to see if I can learn something from them. I loved how Wildflower manages to tackle mental illness, abuse, faith and mystery all in one movie, without it being too overwhelming or jarring to audiences. I loved the acting, the music and how carefully it seemed that each scene was played out. It was a journey, and it was one of realizing that just because you’re damaged, doesn’t mean you’re damaged forever.

And Before I Fall has that magic of making moments matter. Like the everyday, the ordinary become the most important — and that one choice, one chance, one thing can change everything.

I think that both of these films talk about believing in something so strongly that you’re willing to keep digging deeper until you find the answer. And that type of soul searching or discovery of the self is very relatable to me. I’ve been trying to do that in my writing and in my life. I guess I just love when things hit close to home, and I just appreciate that stories like these are being told today. Important lessons for sure. -K.

    "You must make a choice to take a chance to change your life." “It amazes me how easy it is for things to change, how easy it is to start off down the same road you always take and wind up somewhere new.