#idk im just very tired and scared and frustrated
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I'm starting to question if I should even bother with the stupid paper.... I'm probably just gonna fail anyways lmao
#ive been running around stuck on Babysitter Duty for the past three days and the teacher only gave us any instructions on thursday yet#somehow expected a full paper done and edited by sunday. even if i wasnt stuck on babysitter duty she'd get a shitty paper just due to how#little TIME that is to get things done. but because i am on babysitter duty uhhh..... well so far there's no paper#ive been spending practically full days having to take care of my sister and i cant just Ignore Her so i havent done my paper while watchin#her because again: my focus needs to be on Her. and shes incredibly loud which makes it super hard to focus. fun combo /s#so i was like 'i'll just stay up Really Late and do it then' but that hasn't worked because my sister WONT GO TO BED if im awake. i was up#until 4am last night hoping she'd fall asleep and shut up and i could work but Nope!#and then i got too tired to even care anymore#i've tried explaining this to others and they're just like 'ok well you just need to find a way to make it work :/' which is very much#easier said than done! and im scared about this paper because this teacher doesnt accept late work at all for pretty much any reason#and im sure she wont understand my situation. because shes also the teacher that didnt understand that i didnt have the textbook on time#because it was still being shipped and i dont control the rate at which book ships and she was like#'..........okay well you still need to have the book by tomorrow at least <3' when i told her the book had Just shipped and idk when i'd ge#the dumb thing. so yknow i dont have high hopes about this#also just as extra 'make stuff more difficult' i have zero accommodations because my mom cant keep track of my fucking IEPs and they wont#let me have accommodations unless i have that and idk how to get a copy anymore. so i've also been running around with no help in that area#and it's not great </3#idk im just stressed out and frustrated and i Want To Cry :)#vent
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#i think it is because i am so desperate and miserable probably#but i just really wish i knew why i am not likeable fjfkdl#i feel like there is something so obvious that im oblivious to somehow. and everyone else sees it and hates it#and i just. cant figure it out#i feel like im one of those hateful bigots who cry abt how nobody likes them and its so obvious why nobody likes them#i hope I'm not that. but maybe i am idk. i cannot figure it out and im just really tired of trying and failing w ppl#fumbling every attempt to make friends#theres ppl being v nice to me on a sideblog where I've been sharing art and stuff and I'm just constantly waiting for me to fuck it up#and then they will realize whatever it is about me that puts everyone off. and i will lose the chances of friendship.#im so scared and tired. i just want to understand what im doing wrong so i can fix it and be better and be likeable#idk i think there is just smth inherently wrong within me. im off putting somehow. there is smth festering at my core maybe#and everyone else can just /sense/ it. and i am trying so hard to be good at socializing and friendships but i somehow fumble it always#i just wish i knew what it was that im doing wrong#or like... if its smth inherent within me I'd also like to know so i can just accept it finally and move on#argh idk this is so pathetic probably but i am just so frustrated w myself tonight#im just constantly waiting for me to somehow mess things up w the nice ppl in my life rn and be left without that again#and im not doing anything to self sabotage even!! im just treading very carefully!! and trying my best to be good!!#but it seems to always go wrong somehow like ppl just... pull away#idk. i feel so terrified that it's so obvious whats wrong w me and im just not seeing it#i keep trying to look but i cannot see what it is so idk !! i keep looking!! i dont understand !!
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#this is just a little vent/update on some stupid shit going on on here regarding someone i won’t name#but i need to talk about it and vent bc im so frustrated at this whole thing#so i cut a friend off recently.. told them in a *very* heated message how i felt about all the terrible shit they'd said and done recently#and demanded they do not try to contact me anymore and blocked them immediately after#no surprise 5mins later i got two anons from them in my inbox trying to start a fight however i blocked the IP after those two#i even went so far as to disable my webpage for a few days to try and deter them both from sending anons and from stalking my page#and i shouldnt have had to unblock them to tell them for the second time to leave me alone and to stop trying to start things with me#because the last time we argued it was six weeks of emotional damage that i am still really messed up from#after all this it was radio silence - or so i thought#because i've received word now twice that this person has been saying untrue things to friends of friends#trying to start drama and rumours all because i cut them off and they didn't get that fight and that last word they so desperately need ?#i just…why? why why why? why does everything have to become a drama? this is why narcissists scare me..#it took me over a year to realize thats what they are and that id been manipulated so fucking bad.. which is nothing short of embarassing#the way this anxiety has been weighing on my chest lately and dulling my time here is something that shouldnt be happening#im so so tired of all of it.. the drama and the fights and the rumours.. i physically cannot go through this kind of thing again#idk if anyone is reading this but im sorry for being so absent and unresponsive and (often times) really negative on my blog#its just so hard to be happy and positive and excited when this potential drama is looming over me day after day ya know?#im trying to push through and be here because i genuinely WANT to be here but its so fucking exhausting sometimes im constantly paranoid#i pray things will come to a rest and nothing will explode bc mentally i cannot take it anymore and i wont be sticking around in that case#i refuse to put myself through the emotional trauma that nicole put me through again. i REFUSE. so if i suddenly deactivate this is why.#but i wont be going down alone thats for sure#c.text
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nvm I’m not done ☝️
#working at an animal hospital is cool i guess it feels nice to be able to do what i can now#considering i started from having just a little bit of kennel experience to moving up and now administering vaccines and brawling blood#among other treatmeants it’s kinda crazy to think about but anyways. on the days it gets super overwhelming and frustrating by the time#i leave work sometimes I find myself so fucking tired and exhausted from seeing animals all day and having to deal with people#that i don’t want to see another animal for at least the rest of the day and i sometimes feel like I can’t even tolerate seeing my own dog#and that kind of scares me because she means so much to me and im only here because of her#but sometimes I just come home feeling so apathetic and drained and I have horrible thoughts#and then it makes me wonder if I even love her anymore and that scares me even more because if I don’t then what am I doing here#idk just something g heavy on my mind I’ve been thinking about lately. or trying not to think about lately but since I’m feeling worse#it kinda caught up to me#and that’s not even getting into the fact that i don’t even wanna work here anymore but i have no fucking clue what’d to do if i left#so im just very stuck. in the physical and mental sense#blah
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everything now netflix
some spoilers!! and apologies for the long post.
i honestly really enjoyed it! it was almost like a skins/euphoria but imbued with like a heartstopper/sex education vibe in the sense that it dealt with serious teenage issues/mental health but light enough that it doesn't weigh down on you. my character thoughts:
mia was so infuriating almost at all times. obviously under the circumstances, it makes sense but there's this level of likeability that was missing for me. maybe it was the writing or the acting who knows but in my mind it's like this: im making an albeit an unfair comparison to effy from skins or even rue from euphoria, but they were battling their demons and making all the wrong choices but there was still this level of “i want to root for them” that's missing with mia personally.
in a similar vein with alison, she is meant to be this popular rich mean girl archetype who surprises you but obviously in the first half of the season she's supposed to be kind of unlikeable but i found her very endearing. as for the relationship, alison and mia DO NOT belong together. like at all. i am not rooting for them. alison in a way forced a relationship with mia and then also mia was like too scared to say anything about it. its clear that alison liked mia waaaaay more than mia liked alison. like carli says in the last ep as well, “to learn to not be a fantasy to each other”, alison needs to take mia off this pedastal she has for her. i'm very interested to learn more about her character outside of mia though if they hopefully continue the show. i have a feeling that we are supposed to think that she and cameron hooked up at the end or something but i'm rlly hoping its a red herring.
carli is also a character i would love to learn more about. she definitely has more chemistry with mia and i love her for standing her ground against mia, as she needs to help herself before she can be in a healthy relationship. but i will say it was pretty shitty stringing cameron along.
speaking of cameron, i didn't quite expect to like his character as much as i did. in a way his arc in the season is battling toxic masculinity as he kinda seems to come off as this laid back, bro kinda guy but he cares and loves so deeply. it wasn't right calling bec a "sket". i'm not british but obviously its like equivalent to slut, and im very glad he owned up to it. i'm also really interested to know more about his family and stuff.
i love bec as well. she deserves all the happiness in the world. im glad she was able to air out her things with mia, albeit in a very treacherous way and i also love how her mom was supportive of the abortion. i'm honestly kinda tired seeing the mom kicking out the daughter for getting pregnant trope so it was nice to see a mom just being supportive. bec is just such a wonderful friend and mia honestly has a lot to make up for. re not telling mia about her and cam, it was honestly frustrating seeing mia be so petty. i understand that its a big secret and she felt like everyone was hiding things from her but its also right to have secrets amongst friends, idk that really stuck out to me.
will for me had the weakest arc as in it wasn't the most interesting to me. don't get me wrong, i love the character but it just wasnt giving a whole lot to me. i recognize him as more than the comic relief but also at the same time he was stirring the pot in a lot of the arguments / blowups the group had, consciously and unconsciously. though i will say will x theo <3 but comedic duo of the century is will x alison. the little song they did for mia's birthday is stuck in my head.
tldr; great characters and great show. it's really hard to find a show about teens as a 25yo living in a 16yo body that i enjoy and don't find annoying. i just love how each character was able to be so nuanced despite being an ensemble cast.
but knowing netflix's track record it's gonna get cancelled because a) it's good b) has wlw content... but i really hope not.
#everything now#everything now netflix#mia polanco#becca#cameron#will#alison#carli#sophie wilde#niamh mccormack#jessie mae alonzo#harry cadby#lauryn ajufo#noah thomas
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my Thoughts on like, normals character and where he's going btw are highly based on his own flaws and like. idk ive kinda seen both sides (normal is a baby and must be protected versus normal needed this ego blow because he was getting too into his head) and I think it's maybe more nuanced than that? cause the thing is. normal is RIGHT to think that his side of things are the morally correct side. he's the one whose seen what the doodler wants and fears and where it came from, he had more perspective on the quest than any of the other teens and I'm not arguing otherwise because it'd be silly. it's HOW he's going about it that puts him firmly into the, "teen character is going to fuck up because they're a teenager" category: as much as he does genuinely try, he's not good at connecting to other people and he does put himself on this pedestal of "i know better and therefore im the best" that isn't exactly the MOST healthy mindset, as a self-proclaimed leader.
that being said, I absolutely understand where he's coming from in this episode in a very. he is hurting and lashing out kind of way? we know why scary is acting the way she is (her own past with her dad + willy trauma=she's still looking for the trauma that justifies her inner darkness) and we know why link is acting the way he is (he's hurt and scared and he never asked for this and he just wants to ensure that he's not the one actively hurting people, he never forgave himself for the casualties of ep2 and the last thing he wants is to add more) and one of normals flaws is his pride, the way he's so sure of what he's doing, he's the best for this and of COURSE it's the right way, he knows that!!!
but he can't empathize with scary right now. very specifically he cannot empathise with her because he can't trust her. and if he can't trust link he can't empathize with him either. normal does view himself as the reason the team is together, and I think that's why he was suddenly on board with kicking scary out when before he was so deadset on helping her: if he personally can't trust anyone, does he really have a team he can lead?
that being said, the shots taken on him recently have been sooo low in comparison. scary has done nothing but bully normal since they reunited. link has been sassy and snippy with normal even since ep26 and it's only gotten worse. normal and taylor don't really have much of a relationship outside the teen friendship circle in general. hermie is angry at normal- and I kinda agree with will that it should NOT solely be up to the players to remember anthony's fucking npc, as funny as it is. as much as I want normal to listen and understand and empathize with scary and link both, it IS a little frustrating when in comparison normals been fucking tanked at every opportunity by the other players- and link's line to normal after he found out about hero actually made me so upset on normal's behalf like dude.
I'm still on the boat that normal should get and deserves a mild villain arc. I desperately want him to team up with hermie and go to the goofs realm alone. I think it might be good for him- both to have a solo adventure with hermie and to have a solo adventure in general, so he can find out why he loves having friends so much. and I think him going through a villain arc would be so narratively compelling, because again, he's not WRONG about the path they should be taking: it isn't underestimating links personal trauma to admit that normal is actually right and he's just so bad at following through. it's just kinda a little tiring sometimes when normal actually does his best to keep the group together and it doesn't work (looking at episode 27 in particular) or when he tries to bury that oak family generational anger the way sparrow and henry do. let him be angry!!!
#kasey rambles#dndads#dndads spoilers#normal oak#THIS ISNT ME HATING ON THE OTHER TEENS BTW#like the whole point of this season imo? is to show that despite having the same goal#they all have such vastly different ideas on how to get there#its such a stark difference from s1 and i love it so bad#that they all have motivations and reasons and they've all been done a little dirty#but sjfjkgkflgb id be lying if i said that normal isnt a point of contention in the fandom from what ive seen#he kinda reminds me of marcy wu in that regards#itd be wrong to say that normals anger and sass in this ep wasnt justified just like#itd be wrong to say that links actions in breaking the pic and spying on scary werent justified#its a part of who they are! theyre fundamentally so different and thats okay!!!#link is angry with how normal's plans have only seemed to hurt more people and he is VALID for that anger like it makes sense!#but that doesnt mean normal isnt justified in being hurt that link broke the pic#also link snipping at normal about him being unwanted right after the reveal... i would've reacted so much worse than normal tbh#but idk idk im just rambling. a little drunk. drunk nyx having big feelings
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do you think it’s still possible that eungyeol didn’t change yichan’s fate? I was waiting all of ep 12 for some signs of the trauma affecting his hearing but there was nothing of that sort so now I’m feeling. very unsure and scared to watch the rest. also while I’m on ep 12 I thought it just in general had some weird twists. like them completely walking back on eungyeol confessing that he is yichan’s son instead of leaving it ambitious for yichan which I feel like would be much more interesting for their dynamic. and also idk I like that yichan misses cheongah but her blowing up at him like that felt a little sudden and out of nowhere as a writing choice. she’s hurt but before it was established within the show that she wants to be friends with yichan even if he doesn’t like her back so this sudden change without explanation was strange. and it could maybe make sense…. if they spent more time on cheongah. the sprinklers of her instead of a normal amount of screen time really are. frustrating
i dont think eungyeol is gonna be able to change his father's fate because his hearing loss is gonna be a canon event (it better be or else im gonna do something drastic) as i mentioned before i think yichan will lose his hearing progressively rather than immediately. episode 12 of any kdrama can be a turning point for the show because it either goes okay and makes sense or it is a mess and feels like a totally different show lmao akdbdk
and i feel like they made cheongah a side character that will only have screentime if it is shared with either eungyeol yichan and even eunyu which sucks so bad like ?? we have barely seen her on her own, this is supposed to be a drama that celebrates deaf people and instead they got the only deaf character being miserable all.the.damn.time. turning her into some kind of martyr... im kinda tired of it tbh
and i think the lack of (meaningful) screentime of cheongah explains why we dont understand her reactions sometimes,, i personally think she was angry at him because he somehow confuses her (and honestly sometimes he confuses me as well) cheongah is a person who has spent most of her life alone and now she has got a friend she happens to like and who doesnt exactly check on her (because he is obsessed with a girl who doesnt even pay attention to him akdbksns and cheongah seems to see it too and is pissed/sad for it she is a teenager after all) and yichan is someone who is popular at some extent so i believe that makes cheongah think he is friends with her because he pities her or wants to look like the great guy who is friends with someone with a "disability" which isnt true at all!! we have clearly seen yichan genuinely wants to be his friend but after everything she is going through i think she doesnt see it that way anymore
(hopefully all of this makes sense i feel like i lost myself within the lines aksbksns)
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I posted 3,855 times in 2022
That's 3,609 more posts than 2021!
648 posts created (17%)
3,207 posts reblogged (83%)
Blogs I reblogged the most:
@proudfreakmetarusonniku
@ruffboijuliaburnsides
@phantoids
@journal-number-3
@las-nevadas-corporate
I tagged 1,355 of my posts in 2022
#lr likes your art - 182 posts
#dsmp - 75 posts
#ua reblogs - 47 posts
#lehhohgoeszoom - 34 posts
#cdc reblogs - 29 posts
#cw food - 29 posts
#haha - 27 posts
#yeah - 27 posts
#passing ships - 27 posts
#creb - 26 posts
Longest Tag: 137 characters
#you know i don’t remember what an ost is but there are many people who go by ranboo and followers knowing your music taste isn’t atypical
My Top Posts in 2022:
#5
@americans how many blazes are you getting???
i see a lot of post complaining about blazed posts but im in australia so ive gotten literally like none
15 notes - Posted September 26, 2022
#4
you know i rewatched the whole minecraft bu the sky is eating the world thing where mr soot kept saying that he was being an iron slut
i am beign a whore for copper. i need more fucking copper. 64 of those only translate to 7 blocks (and there should be an extra one but there isn;t because... maht?)
listen I have this massive room and it’s made of snow. and copper.
16 notes - Posted August 31, 2022
#3
“At this rate I see literally no difference between kicking your ass out of the balcony and not.”
oh my god.
this is the bullshit that keeps my love of centricide going
how would one describe centricide, genuinely?
EDIT: oh my god I am so sorry I forgot to mention this is a quote from the politi-girl fanfic series on ao3 sorry for forgetting to give credit to @politigirls on ao3
19 notes - Posted July 7, 2022
#2
you know, with all this reboot stuff, i just want to say that the ccs... idk, i feel like they dont completely get how funky the fans are. they’ll be real upset that you tore away the plot and characters and storylines they drew to love with a potential of everything failing more, and many will pull away
but even more so, i think many will stay.
im not sure if they realise that dsmp is really important to a lot of people, and how upsetting it would be to have it torn away after waiting and being paitient, endless fan content and community based around a plot that essentially got “Abandoned Work: Unfinished or Discontinued” slapped on it, but its important enough that even when you mock your fans for being there, even when you fuck them over, etc, etc, they will still watch because it was so good and they care enough and hope enough that theyll keep going until you reach really really shit
yeah lol. idk man
25 notes - Posted July 10, 2022
My #1 post of 2022
for me specifically as a teenager who has asthma, i just. maybe its just me, but i swear it can’t be. asthma is this frustrating creature who you get very sick of very quickly. when i have an asthma attack, i might be experiencing like. physcial struggle to breathe but cognitively im just annoyed and tired, and the most emotional reaction you’ll probably get out of me is just frustration or a little bit of fear if it goes on a little bit too long.
everyone is prickish about it, when i was younger i could never participate in sport and people thought i was so lucky when everything just hurt and my head was always light and the office ladies fucking despised me. no one wants to call it a real disability (what else is it? I dare you, tell me what a disability is), it makes you scared to do things, you dont want to run that race or try that sport because you know you won’t be able to do it. you need breaks while running. inhalers are more expensive the price stacks up over time
like when i have an asthma attack, i literally cannot just breathe. that is the entire problem. i cannot do breathing exercises, it does not matter whehter or not i look you in the eyes, i need the medication for my chronic illness.
i had this whole thing where a bunch of student in primary school like year 5-6 made videos about me, mocking me and calling me asthma attack girl, and pretending to have asthma attacks to be like look at (name) and how much shes faking!! and putting them online and they got a lot of shares.
“stop doing that stupid wheezing thing and just breathe”
“why are you coughing like that? don’t you want to breathe?”
“look at me, no, NO, HEY, HEY, look at me and breathe in- NO NO, BREATHE in and hey no-”
“you just lost control of yourself, you need to stay in control and not give in to the asthma”
like. fuck you. treat us with respect. also because your ableism is easy to clown on.
91 notes - Posted October 16, 2022
Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →
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saw skinamarink ... not super enthused tbh but here's my review (spoilers under the cut)
first of all the child actors did a great job. they're not really ever fully on screen but you can definitely tell that the characters are scared, which is a lot harder than it looks when the audience can't see your face
the cinematography is cool, i liked that you can't really tell what's going on outside of the field of view, it really ramps up the horror
the last three jumpscares (if you've seen the film you know exactly which one's im talking about) are very effective, the buildup is very tense (the guy behind me in the theatre said 'absolutely fucking not' right before the bit with the phone) and the payoff is good
that said the rest of the jumpscares in the earlier parts of the film are less effective, they're kind of just loud noises for no reason which obv doesn't make for great payoff
you'll never hear me say this about any other film but i wish it was visually darker. and that there was less film grain. it was very obvious that it wasn't shot on film and that the grain came from a filter applied in post, and it was so grainy that it seemed like the camera was moving a lot of the time even when it wasn't
i guess that's part of the goal tho, i guess for disorientation's sake it worked but it was a little tiring at the end
the foley is bad. i'm sorry but it is. the sound they used for the kids walking doesn't sound like socks on carpet, it mostly just reminded me of the sound corduroy pants make when you walk? idk it kinda took me out of it
the rest of the audio mixing was also not so good. the dialogue was very muddy (again i suspect that's intentional but still it makes for a bit of a frustrating watch) but the sound fx were super loud, especially the jumpscares which again kinda took me out of it
the narrative was admittedly very sparse but it was very easy to follow. by like the 20 minute mark you know exactly what's going on and who's doing what (and to whom) so i appreciated that, because i went into it afraid that it was going to be deliberately opaque in terms of story but it wasn't
ok spoilers. you've been warned
the metaphor at play here is. not subtle and like i said that's great for clarity's sake, but it is very sad. this is not a feel good film, but the fact that the child abuse allegory is so prominent does make the last scare very sad, especially given the rewind/fast forward/repeat mechanic that's going on in the scene
i thought the fact that kaylee got her eyes and mouth "taken away" was handled well for the type of scare that it was, that had the potential to get very hammy but i thought it worked well in context
this is just Jaime's Theory Corner but imo that bit seemed to imply that the mom was taking away (or at least trying to take away) kaylee's ability to witness and talk about the abuse that kevin is facing, so i thought the whole "kaylee didn't do as she was told (i.e. stay quiet), so i took her mouth away" thing was effective
i thought the barbie jumpscare just didn't work. it would've been more effective imo if the jumpscare came from the barbie falling to the floor and making a loud thud (maybe even to foreshadow a body hitting the floor. idk) instead of just SCREECH for no real reason
i guess that might be part of the child abuse thing tho. since we're supposed to be seeing this through the kids' eyes i guess the confusing nature of the jumpscares could be meant to signify the fact that they don't know why their mom is doing this, it's just loud and disorienting and scary
also i didn't get the "572 days" intertitle at the end. what's that about
overall it's just kind of a bummer of a film honestly. it's very well done both technically and artistically, but it's just kinda sad. personally i like horror that you can walk away from feeling like it all paid off, but this just didn't feel like it had that release for me
i'd give it a 6/10 overall, if you're dying to watch it just pirate it or wait till it comes out on shudder on feb 1.
#speak friend and enter#it's probably the closest thing to a navidson record film we're going to get without a direct house of leaves adaptation#after it ended the lady who sat beside me said 'what an aggressively bizarre film.' and i really couldn't agree with her more#skinamarink
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going to spit out my thoughts here pardon me
i’m irrationally afraid my cats will forget me and not like me anymore while i’m off living in a dorm fr two years and then when i can move off campus and they can live with me they won’t like it
i’m rationally afraid that my elderly cat will die while i’m 2.5 hours away at school and even if i leave for home immediately when my mom tells me his body will be cold when i arrive
he’s in decently good health for a 15 year old but my one cat spontaneously died when i was younger and now i’m paranoid
i was super sick today from my covid booster and i can tell i’m getting better because i am incredibly hungry and have a very strong urge to go outside and to sew
unfortunately it is 2:30 am
i hope my school does movie character day during a spirit week again this year because i want to show off my improved spock closet cosplay
i wish that fur didn’t take 400 years to ship from howl and fs supplies because i want to sew so bad
also fursuit making is hard wtf it’s very frustrating
hopefully it’s worth it
today i discovered my love for vegetable stock
this is good news because i hate most soups
i’m so excited my parents are going to help me make a resume because i finally got my working papers and i’m going to apply to joann!!! employee discount + talking to people about their cool projects + old ladies + moms + crochet girlies + furries + stocking shelves i am so excited
it’s all i’ve ever dreamed of
i used to live nearby our joann
i’m scared to go to college because they don’t have my regular grocery store there
fuck you capital region why don’t you have wegmans i need wegmans i don’t want to choose between whole foods and price chopper
the nearest ones to there (albany) are literally MY hometown wegmans and one in fuckin massachusetts which are both ~2 hours away
unreal
also you can’t have a microwave in your dorm
so
yeah
it’s worth it though everything else is so good
combined bachelors masters program
no corridor style dorms (no communal bathrooms)
indescribably awesome student groups and clubs there’s so much cool stuff and they’re so well run
very easily walkable and centralized campus while still being aesthetically pleasing
dog mascot.
my mommy goes there !!!! she takes online classes but still they’re at albany
so i’m at the same school as my mom
also i’m just now realizing in commonapp i put no relatives have attended but she probably counts. stupid i guess i didn’t think about it because it was phrased in past tense and she is currently attending
i am not very bright sometimes
i have to get a rec letter for a scholarship about why i’d be good for the socio program
i think i’ll ask my former philosophy teacher because that is the most relevant i guess
all the other ones i have good relationships with are stem teachers
which is weird because i’m better at humanities and stuff
i guess i’ve just had bad luck with humanities teachers
i also guess that’s not really true i typically enjoy social studies more with individual study rather than at school because my school doesn’t offer very good classes
whereas i’ve had great science and math classes and i have fun at school with those
i need to go to sleep but i took a five hour nap today so i’m not tired
idk what to get people for christmas
it always sneaks up on me like this
idek what i want for christmas
i have chest hair now
i think it’s been filling in for a while but i’m noticing it now
as time passes i love my body more and more
can’t wait until next year i can be flat
shit i have to tell my mom to contact the psych eval people to get on the waitlist for my surgery approval
balls
i will be so attractive
my sister is taking me to get a tattoo with her this spring for a belated birthday present (because i will be 18 in january)
oh also im gonna start practicing for my road test to get my license
all i have to do is not suck at parallel parking and then i can finally drive myself to school and not have to bother my poor parents with it
and go home for lunch!!!!
and go to the store whenever i want to!!!!
and surprise my gf by dropping things off at her house and driving her places !!! yay !!!
oh my little subaru outback that was my dads car for several years and smells like mold because he left the sunroof open and it rained inside the car how i love you
freshmen aren’t allowed to have cars on campus at albany but we’re gonna cheat the system and get a parking pass in my moms name because she’s a student
and obviously doesn’t need it bc she attends online
i want to put fake grass on the floor
so sad i can’t do it on the drivers side because like .. pedals
but i can do it everywhere else
i can do whatever i want to this car because i will use it until it’s only good for salvage
i think about the one episode of star trek where data makes a child and she develops feelings and she says i love you and he says i wish i could feel it with you
feel that
because i feel like my romantic and general affectionate drive is so low compared to normal
idk i don’t understand myself
it’s not that i don’t feel things
i feel very deep love and reverence for many things
i think that maybe i shut down and so my feelings get hidden
oh yeah guys don’t get divorced when your child is turning 11 because they will be irreparably damaged
this is a little bit exaggeratey because mostly the problem was there was a lot of lies and deception along with the complicated emotions that come with being on the verge of understanding and not understanding how marriage and love and affairs and adulthood work and also having your reverence for your parents shattered very suddenly rather than a nice steady realization that they are not superhuman
i need to investigate that trauma a little more i think
it’s 3 now
i wanted to just go to sleep asap but now i’ve gotten to the point where i’m so hungry i’m nauseated so i have to eat
man
now my sleeping and eating schedules are off
stupid vaccine
at least they work this is objectively better than covid but still god damn
probably it’s worse because i got a flu shot at the same time but gahhhh
alright i wanted pasta but the only stuff we have is this chickpea based penne
which i love chickpeas but i’ve never tried this so idk
also i felt bad having the light on with my parents upstairs so i’m cooking by the light of the stove burner it’s so cozy
reminds me of last april when we had no power for five days
no cell service no wifi no heat no running water no lights and no leaving the house bc my mom had covid
we used snowmelt to flush the toilets
so lucky for our gas stove bc we could light it with matches and boil water to clean ourselves and heat up food
i read the whole fazbear frights series in those days
school was closed bc the school had no power but once it reopened we still didn’t so i got to skip for a day
it was a lot of fun except i got cystic acne from not being able to shower properly for five days as a sweaty testosterone man
it’s raining out and my cat has joined me this is so cozy
ok the pasta feels a bit weird but it’s sooooo good with butter and salt (don’t have sauce)
i’m back in bed watching the episode of star trek
why is picard sometimes so forward thinking and sometimes such a dickhole
even after watching through the whole series i can’t tell if i really like him or not
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5/4/24
Time feels so be moving so fast and it feels as if I can’t keep up. I feel like a shit partner and horrible human and yes this is all due to me spluring for the first time in awhile last night, god augh I feel so tired and hopeless snd pained and idk I feel I just need to get a better grip on myself.
I’m disappointed in myself and feel apathetic to my own existence and feel very frustrated where i’m at, I feel scared I won’t be able to manage and I just…sigh
I feel frustrated with myself for letting myself get to this, not just for me but for C as well because this isn’t supposed to be me and..
This isn’t constructive and im just venting but I wish I could just turn back the day
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lol im not sure my mental and physical health has ever been this bad.
im kinda suicidal again instead of just being numb, empty, and having depersonalization/derealization but I don’t even know who to tell. my friends are probably getting overwhelmed with me/tired of me doing so bad all the time. it’s gotta be a real bummer. can’t tell my family bc they freak out or the complete opposite just tell me it’s gonna be ok. my girlfriend has DID and hasn’t fronted in several days because she’s been having a hard time mentally and physically so one of her alters (who I am not dating) has been in control. this alter doesn’t really talk to me nearly as much as my gf usually does so my bpd (and general shit mental health atm) is having a fucking field day with that. i miss her a lot. Unrelated to her but I don’t sleep or eat enough. my house is disgusting and I can’t get myself to clean it. the stupid lexapro my psych made me try gave me so many fucking side effects and I stopped taking it days ago and I’m still having the worst fucking time. i have so many bruises and scabs from how bad my skin picking has gotten from the medicine. my jaw hurts so bad bc the med made me start clenching it/gritting my teeth all the time now. my teeth feel so weak and sensitive like I’m scared they’re gonna fucking break into pieces when I eat. my acne got worse too but idk if that’s bc of the medicine or bc my hormones are crazy OR bc I’ve been on my period for basically two months at this point. i have sores on my tongue that are painful and overstimulating just to feel and i want to bite them off or something. my wisdom teeth are hurting too. im so tired. I have no excitement. im just detached from life. I’m not enjoying anything. people’s concern for me is not even fucking hitting me like it should be. I’ll be like “I want to kms” and they’ll be like “holy shit I’m worried about you i love you don’t die” and I’m just like “🤷”. it’s very frustrating. everyday feels like a shitty dream. but i never wake up. ive barely even been listening to music. which is fucking wild for me. I just listen to YouTube at work. and it’s mostly like videos on disturbing/scary shit lately. like shit I’ve barely even touched before the last few weeks. I don’t know why I’m suddenly so interested in really fucked up stuff but nothing else hits the same. I guess I subconsciously just wanna feel something. so fear and discomfort is my go-to. I’m always in pain. I have the desire to abuse drugs or drink or SOMETHING to make myself feel better. but I still really don’t even do that. oh yeah and I relapsed twice this week. once wasn’t that bad but the second time was pretty fucking rough. it’s even worse bc I literally broke apart someone’s fucking shaving razor at my friend’s house and used one of the blades. then had to wake my friend up bc the cuts wouldn’t stop bleeding. I need serious help. I don’t want to be hospitalized though. I did that earlier this year and it was a complete waste of time. I wish I could just die. I’m so tired of pushing through this hell. And I can’t help but think “well i guess it could be worse” which is true but also every time I think that something else happens. I want out. Please. I wish I had the fucking balls to kill myself like ive wanted to for the past like 12 years. No one can help me. I can’t even help me. I genuinely don’t know what to do. I take the medicine. I go to therapy. I reach out to loved ones for help. I try to live my life. But it’s not fucking working. I’m so miserable.
#stfu lexy#text#very heavy stuff I’m ranting about please be warned#these are just for people’s blacklists btw#self harm#suicide#suicidal thoughts#medication#dermatillomania
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One day words will stop being exchanged and knowing you're more likely to be relieved than devastated or even a bit bummed is sending me
Like okay
Pause for a minute
Lets be real my tumblr page is like my public diary or whatever and like
Idk i look at shit and its sad how much through the entirety of this shit therapy or not ive been trying to see more than my side and be able to see my faults for what they are while also doing something about it but i swear im either villaianized or pacified by you in any given moment and then its like im both a dumb ass for wanting you so badly was and i feel like my feelings get overshadowed bc the bpd and oooh i take meds now, and you still treat me like like an abuser and thats what you tell people. And i just wanna stop feeling like I'll never be able to enjoy anything fr ever again. Even at my best i still have you on my brain when it feels like you're doing everything to erase me and then make me feel like thats the right response. I fucking hate this shit so much its like i sit here and I'm fine and then i keep fucking setting myself off with how upset this makes me. Like nigga i live in my aunt basement, i work in a fucking factory, im a fucking temp worker nigga , and yet and still my stupid ass is worried about who? Trying to figure out how to get right for who? Pathetic as shit.
I know you wouldn't do the same bc you didnt.
I'm so frustrated. it's unbelievable. I keep wrapping my head around how bs this all is, or how i swallowed how angry certain shit has had me.
Again nigga its been months and i know for a fact the same shit is being peddled.
You doing your thing is whatever but doing so and then trying to undermine the fact that itd hurt me (which you later admitted to trying to do anyway) nigga fucked someone then was like "i mean we broke up like 6 months ago so i did good right lol" fucking first of all at 6 months vs 5 years make it make sense, second of all it let me realize that the second time we tried when shit felt "so right" mesnt nothing to this nigga it was a good two months which for me made the breakup reset and st the time this happend made this like 4 months but as you can see by me writing this out who the fuck other than me cares about some weird shit like that. Regardless its like i have to be either high as hell or always working now more thsn ever to not walk into the very accessible highway.
I accepted that i ruined my life but holy fuck did you make it worse
I am forever sorry about how shit ended and every rude outburst ever spouted from my lips, any time i made you feel any negative way, but my brother in christ i didn't and dont deserve this shit and sometimes it really bothers me that i love you the way i do. You act scared of me like im obsessed but i feel like im going mad bc it was like you made me this way. From jump, the constant vc, the way youd make me feel insignificant or like i wasnt enough, and then have the nerve to try and make it a thing about my insecurities that yes i told you about but fuck.
I feel so dumb because i actually would wait until you're ready because i feel deep in my core that i fw you for life type shit. Its always gang shit whatever. I love you and want things to be okay regardless to how i feel .
Fuck im tired
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Do yall live with a feeling that nothing you do is enough or that you're not enough as a person? I get this feeling a lot and idk what's been making me so up and down with my mood but I get tired of pretending to be happy, sometimes I truly am for an hour or a couple hours even or so even for a day, but it's not consistent. I think I lose the energy to fake it. I generally feel like I'm just not enough. Nothing I do feels impactful. I feel like I'm always replaceable. I'm never someone's favorite, I'm never someone's anything, I'm just never good enough. Idk how to be happy. Idk how to not care what people think. Idk how to loosen up and have fun because I'm scared to do that. Im getting depressed about it and idek what to do. But I'm still gonna go to the gym. Because that's the only thing I can really do for myself. Journaling is still a thing for me, but I feel like it's gonna be once in a while because I can't force myself to write things out. The last time I journaled was great and I said nothing but truths about myself and I love reading it. I even laugh at some of it from the way I write which is exactly my voice in my head, the way I write what I speak in my mind is the exact way I talk in my head and it's an exact 1 to 1 replica. Like it is so raw and real. Idk if I could ever talk like that in real life. I know the one and only way I COULD do so would be if I just flat out don't care the way im perceived by people and not get bothered by people's judgments on me. It's a very personal struggle. It might be strange but I kinda love it for that, bc I love when it's all up to me. I truly believe that in life you must save yourself. That's belief came from realizing God won't save me, so I stopped praying, and that set up the grounds for the belief itself which came from playing chess, I remember playing a game when I was still new and feeling stuck and in trouble until I saw I could make a capture and did, and I remember the feeling afterwards of feeling safe it was a sudden change from frustration anxiety, stress, to a feeling of safety and calm. And it wasn't instant when I did that but I know that was exactly what it was that made me realize that you have to save yourself in life, because chess is a great analogy to life I've realized. And now that the pressure is on me now, instead of some loving God who ignores me, I feel a sense of security now because I can at least have myself to count on.
#just putting this in tags since its unrelated to the main topic#but i still believe in god#but i also believe hes not MY god#god didnt choose me so fuck it#i chose God and i guess I wasnt chosen#so fuck it#ill be my own savior#save yourself
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today was my last day with my current psychiatrist, and im gonna miss her, and i won’t see my new doctor ‘til the end of july (!), and my current therapist won’t be back til early july (!!), so your bpd ptsd gal is flying solo til then and tbh i’m not really happy about that, i’m quite fuckin stressed and scared, and im having an ibs flare up which is incredibly frustrating and gross, and it’s getting warmer and i hate the fucking summer, so i’m just
idk man
i’m uncomfortable in my body and disgusted by what i have to do, my brain is constantly teetering towards the pit that opens up when i think about myself and my life for more than a fucking minute, and idk man
idk
just typing that out makes tears start to burn in my eyes.
i’m alone and i just have to fucking deal with that, using whatever i’ve learned up til now, and im just so very, very, very tired. the most i can do day by day is make small progress on novella revisions, take care of my cat, and remember to take my medication.
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hi sorry i just gotta vent real fucking quick so tw for transphobia but some quirky little canadian political girlies saw the fucking awful trans shit going on in the states and decided to put a fun little canadian spin on it with a platform that apparently wants to (among others) ban trans access to bathrooms (im assuming that means gender neutral spaces and stuff)
i feel like a toddler being explained quantum physics when anybody mentions The Bathroom Conflict. this whole idea of trans people using the bathroom they want not being an okay thing is something i really dont get. like. why is it a problem for cis people. why the fuck is it a problem for you. motherfucker have you seen us???? what the fuck are we gonna do to you???? i cant speak for trans women because i understand the social transition is drastically different than that of someone like myself who's ftm, so if theres a mtf individual who wants to comment on this with ur two cents and experiences feel fucking FREE but like. as an ftm dude. what the fuck am i gonna do????? im walking into the bathroom with my fucking 5ft 6 ass wearing socks and sandals and clothes that are 3 sizes too big for me looking like a child more than anything AND YOU THINK IM THE ONE WHOS GONNA CAUSE HAVOC???
NO
and thats the worst part right like being trans has singlehandedly turned me away from using public bathrooms. ever. dude. there is one bathroom at my work that i am comfortable using and i have been there for 3 years. and thats only if i HAVE to. if im at a mall, or some type of store or anything bathrooms are off limits because im fucking scared some dude is gonna say something or do something to me! like bro you're not the fucking victim here. your judgement as a cis person on this topic says more about who you are as a person and your honest political leanings than anything you try to back it up with or try to defend it with.
and im not trying to corner trans folk as victims here- or at least im not using the term victim in a "weak/powerless" sense- because we are strong, and we will fight this, and you cannot kill us in a way that matters because we have always been here and we will always be here. i just cant understand why The Bathroom Conflict is such a big fucking deal. like? sorry i piss? ill try not to next time? like is that what you want? idk what you want bro?
im just tired and annoyed and frustrated because i like advocating for attentive and aware conversations, and im willing to talk to people who are against this if it means a) gaining insight, and more importantly b) that they will also listen to me in return, but ive never met a fucking transphobic person who reciprocates the openmindedness i try my very hardest to bring to the table, even if it- like i mentioned before- feels like im a toddler being explained quantum physics to.
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