Hm. I am like... actively getting severely distressed and worked up about this assignment and I think the reason why is Significantly deeper than just "there aren't enough instructions". Like so much deeper I almost don't even wanna post about it. We live in a society bottom text

life update #16

ive been meaning to sit down and rant for the past few days so im finally just doing it now

idk how to best articulate this but i think what im feeling right now is maybe some sadness that i've grown up.

i realized this at work this week, where everything's been piling up with multiple things going on at the same time, and me being in the center of it with little support. i was definitely stressed at first but in the moment i felt so serene navigating the whole thing. like, i remained relaxed and not anxious, most of my moodiness was just from being annoyed that the deadlines were coming up so soon instead of properly spread out

and i think this is what's triggering my weird lingering sadness. even rereading some of my previous life updates my brain has always been soaked in anxiety, sometimes for no reason. but i'm so different now. if this were my situation just 2 years ago i'd probably be having panic attacks

i think growing up is a bittersweet thing, because you see that things aren't so bad. but then, you also see, like yeah. things were never that bad. they were only bad for reasons irrelevant to your higher purpose. but then that makes me feel sad for all that time lost, like oh, i could have been living like this the entire time, so all those past years spent bumbling around with all my anxiety and missing all those opportunities were just years scattered in the wind i guess

when you grow up you also lose a bit of magic i suppose. you've been around long enough to see how most things work, and will unfortunately start to be right a lot more of the time just due to sheer experience of watching things play out. you can still be wrong, but if you're aware and reflect often, things don't come as much of a surprise anymore. hence less anxiety, but also less magic

magic can be created though. it's just a lot more intentional, and requires conscious effort. like yes, i will be spending 3 hours tonight consciously putting effort into my hobbies and getting the magical result i desire. sometimes i succeed and sometimes i fail. magic is a choice, and i have to choose to participate in it every day

i have mixed feelings about all of this, but overall i think it leans towards the positive. being in the driver seat of your life is exhausting and sometimes gives little reward, but the times that you are rewarded feels so just and deserved. and it humbles you. like yes i found great success, but i've also found great failure. sometimes success is predictable because you're doing the calculations, not leaving the result to fate. you are backstage handling the props now, not on the other side watching the show. you wrote the script, and you know how it ends.

I honestly can't wait to read your million posts about utsukushii kare. that show was perfect and it's eating my brain, but at the same time with last week ep I had a lot to say but this week with the finale I'm like 😶 that was perfect and I love them thats all I can articulate atm

aghhhhhh my first utsukushii kare anon finally i am no longer screaming into a void!!!! tysm for enjoying my dumb, incoherent rants. as you said, i just have like so many feelings about this show it’s impossible to contain and yet impossible to articulate it’s actually insane. and im so glad there are other people out there that feel the same. for a hot second there i thought i was just going mad hyperfixating on this show, proclaiming it as one of the best things to ever have been made, all by myself, but im so so happy it’s hitting other people that way too, and it’s a testament to the fact that yes the show really is actually that good, it’s not just me. anyway, yes, i have a lot of things i so wanna find a way to say so look forward to me having the time to sit down properly and trying to write something semi-coherent, bc just in this final ep both the scene in the park and the scene at the end and just the way they handled introducing things that shake hira and put him on a path to change, I just thought it was incredibly well done. and in the not too distant future im gonna have some more free time and i so wanna sit down and like actually pick apart this show ep by ep or character specific idk yet i think it’s just the best way i know to convey my love for something is to pick apart all the ways it’s incredible, and this show makes me wanna do that, and I think it deserves it too.

so yes this is me officially saying i am on a personal journey to become THE utuskushii kare guy. i want this show to define me. i want people to see my username and think ‘oh that’s jemmo, the utsukushii kare guy’. i can’t be stopped. let the brainrot consume me eternally (heh get it)

Hey so i wanted to reach out and say that your writing is so so good and in depth that it just mesmerizes me, it's like a poetry and your grasp of ghost's characters made me fall in love with the character even more.

I wanted to ask: do you think he has attachment issues and not just in a romantic sense but all around? the way you convey him really speaks volumes to me as he's someone that can love someone but never properly expressing it, at least not through words, also it's probably not important since call of duty is not at all about any of this but it's really nice seeing writers explore and imagine characters in a different light . To me he just seems like the type of person that ultimately respects and loves his s/o but will require his own space aswell and the kind of vibe is especially if it's soldiers we talk about, people loving each other but never fully being able to be together. Idk im rambling but i think he's a good character people can explore in fics and give him different stories. Regardless, lovely work and I'd love to see what you think (if you want to ofc!)

aww thank you so much, that's so sweet of you.

i feeeeeel like this is a very loaded question, and I'm going to do my *best* at answering, but i feel i should preface this by saying: this is entirely my opinion, lots of other writers, artists, fans, cod players etc will have their own, but this is mine.

yes. i think he has a lot of issues and attachment issues is one of them.

it's expected though, with the trauma he has been through, the way he has to compartmentalise not just the things he's seen but the things he has to do, is super understandable. what will make the romantic side even more difficult for him is because he doesn't know what box to put his romantic partner in? especially if he meets them through his job. i think he likes order and that just seems messy and complex and out of his very sleep-deprived brain's capacity.

but, do i think he's very much capable of love? yes. will it be conventional or like the 'standard' most expect or see in movies, no.

but it'll be in the little things.

he's deffo not someone i imagine will find romance easy, and acts of service is deffo something he'll find the easiest. for example, him showing up for 'rain', and needing to check in on her, in my opinion, is what he can comfortably manage and articulate. him showing up for someone, him taking matters into his own hands to make someone's day a little better? is very much him. he will show it with actions, big or small. whereas rain, who also has acts of service (i kinda imagine from friends I have in the military-sphere that acts of service is a big one), is someone who wants to take care of someone, she finds comfort easy and makes them food, will get them a blanket, make them a bed etc. it's instinctive for her to show and easy for her to also show affection, physical touch, and while lots of people would overlook them, i imagine for him, even the small ones, feel really freaking huge.

for your point/question of loving someone but not being able to be fully with them, in my head, he's 'been' with people, but he's not really been with people, if you get me. i can imagine it feels a lot to let them in, and for them to put up with. which is why i keep tending to lean towards people from the military, as it's one less hurdle for him to have to try and get around. it's not that i think it'll be impossible, but it'll take so much work and time, and he doesn't have a lot. even with people he does meet in the military, there's the whole fear that if they get too close, they'll get hurt, either because of him or by him as he’s not sure what he can give someone.

do i think he's fearful of people seeing the real him? a little, but i think it's more that he'd just rather not form attachments because he can compartmentalise that better. it's easier. less hassle. because he does trust some people, even before this particular game, if we think back to price and him greeting him when he takes off his mask.

anyway, somewhat steering back to the initial question and using rain x ghost as an example, i don't think they'd struggle to show each other they care/love one another, but i think they'd struggle with finding a dynamic that works. ghost is used to being solo, working alone, being alone. he's already let a team in, and bonded in his own way, but loving someone is inviting them past that threshold a bit more. it's different. he'll struggle with it because he's not sure how to be without an action, and sometimes one isn't always needed. him showing up, when there's nothing wrong, doesn't have the same impact as it does when something is, so for rain, him being there may not seem a lot, but for him its huge.

for rain, the dynamic of him giving her orders, maybe benching her, will drive her mad because, irrespective of her feelings, she has a point to prove, and she'll worry (constantly, knowing the complex anxious issues i give my readers) and want to show him nothing has changed. even if even he can tell it has. she'd also likely whittle about the fact that it has changed, and she doesn't want it to, because she thinks he needs it to not look like it has. not realising that he doesn't make decisions lightly, he expected things to shift/change/evolve. this is a man who thinks through everything, and perfectly executes what he's told to do.

so, i think they'll both need space. they'll also need to find a rhythm, and they'll both find they do things for the other without making a song and dance about it. he might make her a drink because she looks like she needs it; she might persuade soap to go for a walk with her, so ghost can have time alone. he might show up when her plane lands or find her to be there in case she needs something; she might find him painkillers and leave them on his pillow because she knows he isn't sleeping and that he gets headaches when he doesn't.

i'm not sure i've answered your question with facts, more ideas and headcanons i guess, but this is how I've shaped him. and that's how we ended up with the latest piece, and probably helen.simon because in both of those worlds, he's trying to wrap his head around 'what it all means'. i think he has a cargo plane full of things to work through, but i also think the people i write him with tend to know that without him verbalising it, and allow him the time/patience he needs to shift through that.

but yeah, there we go. one very long answer to a question I'm still not sure I've answered. sorry, anon.

For the movie asks :)

12. Which movie has your favorite soundtrack?

and/or 

8. Has a film ever made you extremely angry? 

but more specifically -> angry not as in 'this movie was so bad/offensive it made me angry' or 'this movie covers a topic that is itself infuriating' but instead 'this movie made me feel things i don't know how to articulate, not even to myself, and it enrages me so much i feel like im chewing glass whenever i think about it'

HELLO SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO ANSWER THIS i completely forgot i got this ask augh.

12. Which movie has your favorite soundtrack?

oh EXCELLENT question!!!! there are soooooo many film soundtracks I love it's very hard to choose. i love hans zimmer's scores for the lion king and the prince of egypt (idk what it was about 90s animated movies that motivated hans zimmer to write the most gorgeous scores of all time but i'm glad it did) and the prince of egypt is also probably my favourite movie musical and I adore the songs for it.

I'm also a big fan of michael abels' soundtracks for us and especially nope!!! I spent so much time listening to the nope soundtrack while working last year it's so wonderfully atmospheric. speaking of which little women 2019 is another film score i love listening to while working... which is probably not a great idea bc it also makes me Very Emotional

OH AND ACROSS THE SPIDERVERSE!!!!! EVERY TIME GWEN OR MIGUEL'S THEMES KICK IN DEAR GOD

8. Has a film ever made you extremely angry? 

ok i gotta admit I don't know if I have a good answer for this one. I've definitely watched some films that made me angry bc they were so bad, but I don't think I've ever experienced a film making me angry bc it brought up too many feelings.

maybe the closest comparison I could make is birdboy the forgotten children. it's definitely the film i most distinctly remember making me feel things I couldn't really properly articulate, but I wouldn't say it made me angry! in fact it's one of my favourite films!! (sidenote - I would strongly recommend checking out birdboy if you can - it's an absolutely gorgeous and heartwrenching spanish animated sci fi/horror/fantasy film that I think is just. SUCH an underrated gem)

oh also maybe my feelings on captain fantastic come close? I don't think it's a bad film by any means but dear LORD does it dredge up a lot of feelings I have about how kids get treated by their parents and in society and I feel a lot of. very complicated things about it.

thank you so much for the ask sorry again for taking such a long time to answer it flkjsfjsljkdf

okay..... it is 5:30 am and idk how long I'm gonna write cuz i only seem to be able to articulate myself properly when i don't feel very good and i in fact feel great right now lol so ....

but. im sitting in the Boy™'s bed and he's asleep right next to me and im not giddy per se?? but it could almost be excitement if i let myself feel that rn but i wanna try to settle down and sleep agshdgdhd ..... i just. hoo boy i like him a lot. a lot a lot a lot.

it's really crazy to think about before and how different it is, yet some things are still the same sgdbdb.... not very much but the gut feeling i have about him always remained the same. that he's good lol idk it's not really a words thing it's just. the tug. amber calls it the zing like from hotel Transylvania and i think that's also a good word for it. that tug towards him rests squarely at the bottom of my stomach where the hot ball of lead usually resides.............. but right now that ball of shitty feelings is quiet, if not gone completely sometimes gahsgdhd .... it's not just because of him and i don't want to credit my personal growth/progress to my relationship towards him but he does help. he makes me happy. really happy. it's just easy i guess? it feels like even in the weirdest of spots we're the same. we're so similar,,,, down to shit we do unintentionally at the same time without even realizing the other is doing it. but even then, there's these little bits of difference that i think help even us out. he's stupid and funny and we have almost the same sense of humor and learning anything about him makes me smile and he makes me wanna get better so i can stick around for the plans we make and he's got a fascinating brain and i love when he stream of consciousness talks to me even if it feels incomprehensible at first, but i still end up getting it usually. he's great with words and i like it when he teaches me things and i like it when we play video gayme together and i like just ..... being around him. being in the same room as him i feel like makes me light up like a Christmas tree, and even when he's asleep next to me and it's almost 6 am and i SHOULD be sleeping, i don't want to (even if im trying anyways cuz i have to start doinf that lol) bc im just so calm and happy. maybe im being too much, and i probably am- but these feelings have been creeping in the back of my mind for months and i think maybe pushing it down for a long time just made em. grow. idk. he's my best friend and i just. he's my person. not in the exclusive way or the he's a possession of mine way, i know that wording makes him a little uncomfortable, but idk it's how i describe it!!!!!!!!!!! he's the person i wanna spend my time with, he's the person i want to tell everything first, and he's the person i trust the most. i don't have to be his person, but he's mine in that sense. just the one i feel most comfortable and happy with y'know?

god reading this all reminds me of the shitty cringy fluttery bullshit i used to write about in middleschool before i got all jaded and shit (haha, pun). i have a better head on me now and some pointers as to what to do and what not to do, but it's,,,,,, it's really really nice to feel the tug again and it's really really nice to think so fondly of someone so freely. it's nice to be giddy and hopeful and to choose to trust and actually listen to it. maybe it means more to me and im a little too attached, but it makes me wanna happy cry thinking about all the times he proves my anxious bullshit wrong and it's scary to feel loved,,,, but i think i do? it's really, really fucking nice to be happy for a change and not on my own. it feels nice to feel like i can rely on someone if i really need it. oh god i totally did tear up UGH i just. i really appreciate him and all he does for me. it's scary and it's weird and i am so fucking terrified of fucking it up but im learning. and im happy it's him out of all people that ended up taking that spot in my heart. i really wanna sleep now and i think i got the excess emotion out lol to sleep............ just god DAMN im saying the best combo of activities while hanging out are zombie video games with an intermission to get railed on the floor<3 and then snacks and ADVENTURE TIME. fuck. that shit has me ready to drop down on one knee i swear to fucking god. im living the god damn life rn.

i think it's really funny that this entire post is kind of caused by specifically zombie video games and ;) ;) ;) midway through. what the fuck was that. that was so fun

okokok bye for real now

if it's true that there's nothing going on in-between Mark's lore-based videos, then that really bums me out XD Maybe Mark's big ol' wkm story just isnt for me then. I thrive on character explorations and worldbuilding. If Mark's not going to worldbuild, character develop, etc., then thats a MILLION percent okay and awesome, its just not my cup of tea :P which is fine too. Idk. Mark's hard to read sometimes. lol. Part of this is just me interpreting stuff ig. I'd hate to speak FOR Mark about his own characters and story. lol. It's rlly tough to properly articulate my thoughts thru typing alone XD I suppose I'm just looking for consistency and continuity. Those are two things that help hold a fictional universe together. (this is coming from a college student learning about animation and writing stories herself so obvi my advice should NOT be taken as gospel XD) Also, I mistakenly called Mark's stuff poor world-building--which I regretted immediately. It's just very complex and, being a nearly full-time Let's Player, he admittedly hasnt had the chance to actually worldbuild YET so, if thats something hes aiming to do, im excited to see that in his upcoming stuff :) A lot of this is rambling and just barfing out my thoughts. oof. Goes to show how much we appreciate and love Mark's lore/character-based content!! ^u^

Well I mean like hfjgjgjg I’m sure he will I’m just saying story wise that’s what’s happening that doesn’t mean he won’t that’s just facts in the story. Yea honestly it’s his first time thing so he’s probably not gonna be the best at it

i can't tell if my constant switch from 'things are the best tneyve ever been' to 'i wish i was dead every day im such a disappointment i am so tired of dealing with my own mind' is concerning or not, and i AM on the better side of things right now so i feel more comfortable talking about it especially because my friend is here lol but she can't see my phone so ....

I've been debating these last couple of days on whether or not i should talk about the death fixation that's risen up again recently ... im not a danger to myself anytime soon (27) or anything, im as i said actually pretty fuckin great right now. but? when my anxiety flares up, the words 'i wish i was dead' have basically become my mantra. any little embarrassment or slip up, my hands spasm and my eyes close shut and those words repeat over and over like im praying for someone to just take me lmaooo . im not going to go out of my way to do anything, im not making any plans to do anything, but i think it i started drowning on accident or i got cancer? i wouldn't fight it. i fantasize about getting mortally wounded and in the hospital and being able to refuse treatment. that feels like my absolute dream sometimes, and that's FUCKED but sewerslidal ideation has become this weird fucking coping mechanism at this point.

at the same time? colors look really vibrant again. i have really close friends im not scared of and i am so proud of myself for losing 90 lbs and school isn't that bad when i get the balls to show up and im ON meds they just haven't kicked in yet and i know things are going to get better i just. am kind of losing my mind on the mental illness. im not scared of my friends but i can't even properly articulate just how MucH or how little i feel at most times and half the time my vents sound so self centered and stupid i can't bring myself to talk to even my sisters. it's also weird to think about the fact that im so aware of how much a.'s past influences are partially at the core of a lot of this, but im at least happy im only noticing now when im working past them. I don't like talking about her very much but i just feel weird. i want nothing to do with her whatsoever and for the first time i really actually feel the way i used to speak about feeling like i wasted four years on her (bc i did), and it's really nice to not feel the guilty tug anymore (which, also i realize in retrospect a big part of coming back was guilt lmfao not love) pulling me back, but god dam i just feel weird and embarrassed and oddly ashamed and so mad. i don't think about her unless it's related but if I think about her too hard all i feel is like i was some joke to her. idk. that shitty exposed feeling is rooted in the way she made me feel and im a bit aware of that now but bleh. things are good i just wish ie could feel it. but also im aware things are mostly only superficially good and i have a long way to go but I'm really enjoying the now with my friend and my nice night at least !!!!