why do meredith’s starkid vlogs make me cry

Since #itsbeenawhile #selfie #photography #edit #voicelesscity #ig #glasses It’s weird cause I feel like this is one of the most normal pictures I’ve ever taken, and that’s probably way I’ve been so hesitant on posting it. Cause what is normal? How could I look normal when I live in my own spot light? 💁🏽‍♀️ lol, just kidding.. kinda. The thing is, it’s weird cause this is taken after a long stressful week of working with little to no sleep. I don’t feel confident, or beautiful, or anything that would motivate me to show my face. I’m exhausted. I’m stressed. I feel like nothing is going right. My positive mental attitude feels long gone at this point. My hair wasn’t brushed or styled, I just put a hat on. Idk. I’m rambling cause I’m just a little overwhelmed with everything right now, maybe. Anyway. Hope everyone is having a fantastic day/night, where ever you are. ✌🏼 https://www.instagram.com/p/BmpN-C5h2tb/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=hjtt4oibhwpn

Life Sucks

Man, life sucks. Just when I thought things were looking better shit just stays the same. So it’s Sunday around noon. I’m sitting in the dark with the curtains closed except for a small crack to have a fan in the window blowing fresh air in. I have Spotify playing in the background on my PS4 with the “Life Sucks” playlist.

So I still feel like shit. Maybe a little bit better but still pretty shitty. I asked my sister if I could move in with her and she agreed. That is seriously going to help my mental health being able to come home to somewhere quiet without people yelling and children screaming. I might be over dramatic but anything that could help me with my anxiety and depression would help.

So I met another girl. I flirted with her at work and she sent me her number and we texted back and forth. She doesn’t give me the butterflies that the other one does but she is so much easier to talk to. I don’t feel nervous around her and can just whatever I feel like, probably because I don’t really have any feelings for her so I don’t feel like I have to impress her or whatever.  So we’re texting and she’s being pretty fucking forward and wanting to hang out. I thought I fucked it up a few days before we were going to meet because I said some shit that I thought was funny and she interpreted it as me trying to get freaky. Anyways, seems like she didn’t care and we keep talking. The night before we hang out she was being super cute and shit calling me confident and charming (blush) and I was like “you better be careful before you get cuffed up” lol she doesn’t get the lingo and makes it sexual and then I was like fuck it and said “you liked getting choked done you” (evil smiling face emoji)” and she was like was it that obvious or some shit lol. So she’s asking what I’m into and I tell her and then I made a joke about being excited because I made a typo and she was like keep it in your pants I don’t fuck on the first date and I was like cool I’m not a dog lol. Anyways we finally hang out. I drive to her place which was almost the same route as I took to the other girls house lol and I was thinking is this where are the girls I’m going to try and date are living? Lol. So I get to her place and she comes down and she looks a little different from the pictures I was looking at her fb and ig but I was like whatever I’ve only seen her once and it’s not like I’m that into her. We go to downtown Vancouver to get froyo since we’re both lactose. We sit outside and small talk and she has a couple places in mind to go to. She remembered I’m “all about the views” and decide to go to Rocky Butte. While we were leaving we see some cops on some people squatting at the entrance of the church and the two girls working at the froyo place and we were small talking them. They were both pretty cute and I couldn’t help thinking she was like is this guy really hitting on these girls in front of me? Haha sorry can’t help it. So we head to Rocky Butte and we take this flight of stairs that almost destroy me and I’m out of breath for a second while we were up there. We’re walking around talking and I’m getting vibes but I’m getting eaten alive by bugs so we decide to go to a different spot that she’s never been to. So we head to Mocks Crest and it’s just off of this neighborhood and it was actually really nice and super low key but full of hipsters and shit. We talk for a while about literally everything. It was super nice to be able to talk to someone like that. We talked about like if I was hitting on her and I was like fuck yeah and she was like “I never usually do that but you were cool so I thought we could be friends at least.” There were a couple little moments of silence and I wanted to start making out with her but there was no real chance cause of how we were positioned. So we head back because she needs to use the bathroom but luckily we were only like 10 min away from her spot. We get back and I forgot I brought her a modem because her service has been shitty and I was like “This is my first time I’ve never done anything like this” and she was like “what?” and I said “I’ve never set up a modem” and she was like “Ooooh” lmao. We go up to her place and she insists that I install the new one but I have no idea wtf I’m doing and end up not being able to install it. So we plug in the old one and she was like you want to watch Netflix? (hint hint). We go to her bedroom and sit and chill on her bed and we were drinking ciders. I haven’t eaten for like hours besides the froyo so I get super buzzed off one drink and she edges closer and I ask her “this show is cool but do you want to do something else?” and replies “Like what” and I go I for a kiss and we start making out. I stick my tongue in her mouth and she’s like “too much tongue” lmao. She gets on top and we’re still making out. She grinding on me and I take off her bra and suck on her tits which were like perfect little handfuls. She whispers to me and I was like what? And she says it again but I can’t hear what she said. I think she said “you can do whatever you want to me” but that didn’t happen. She takes her shirt off and we’re still making out and she’s grinding me. I remember she said she doesn’t fuck on the first date so I’m not trying but I asked her if she wanted to suck my dick lol and she didn’t reply lmao. After a while she puts her shirt back on and we spoon a little and make out more. I look at the clock and it’s like 1:30am. She’s been up since 5am and I have to work the next day. So she walks me out and I go in for a hug and kiss her a little bit more and before I walk out the door I kiss her again and grab her ass (which in hindsight was probably a little too much lol).

I don’t get a text back after I leave and not even the next day which reassures what I was thinking that she wasn’t feeling it. So I text her at like 11ish the next day saying I had fun last night we should hang out again and she replies 3 agonizing hours later saying yeah I had fun too we should hang out again but let’s keep things friendly. I was like wtf? You want to keep things friendly? I was just suckin on yo fuckin titties just last night? That kind of fucked up my day. What am I saying... THAT FUCKED UP MY DAY. I don’t reply until I get off work at like 7pm. I couldn’t think of what to say back to her. Like just count it as an L and be like yeah for sure and never hit her up again or be lie and be like yeah me too and try to hang out and try to convince her to suck your dick (She says she loves sucking dick). It was fucking me up all day where when I would think about it my head would get hot and I was just grunt or sigh. At first I was like she’s whatever cause I thought she was super into me and I could do whatever I wanted and didn’t think she would reject me. But now I was like she was fucking hot when we were making out and she was super easy to get along with and now I fucked that up. So I finally text her after I was off and I was like was I being too friendly last night? lol and she was like no I was the one to make the move but I’m just not ready rn tbh (she just broke up with her ex like a month ago) so I was like cool and told her she’s fun to be around and easy to talk to which is rare with cute girls and a kissy emoji (I was doing too much again) and she was like your easy to talk to and fun to be around with too. So I was like well have fun this weekend I’ll hit you up later (her friend from Seattle is down for the weekend) and she was like have a good weekend too. So two things I could do: leave it at that and never hit her back up again or keep trying to kick it with her and try to get her to suck my dick lol. Like thinking about it after I should have just rolled her ass over while she was on top and fucked her but I didn’t have a condom and I wasn’t going to raw dog her. I think her rejecting me just made me actually want her. She really is fun to be around and easy to talk to which is kind of fucking me up and I haven’t been with a girl in forever and I missed that. When I was falling asleep last night I could still feel her on top of my kissing me. Weird right? What’s funny is that while I was with her I was still thinking about the other girl and I actually had a dream about her too and that we worked together lol. So both are busy for the weekend so I’m definitely hitting on up on Monday. Not sure about the one that wants to be friends though. She follows me on ig so this might be the fuel I need for my glow up so I can stunt on her and the other girls that curved me. Like I’m fat and short but I know I’m handsome lol. If I just get my body then my mind right I’ll be a dime piece handsome mother fucker.

So idk. Life doesn’t really suck. It could be worse but it could definitely be better.  I could be dating this new chick but she isn’t feeling it and I don’t know how I feel about pursuing her just because I want to hang out with her have her suck my pee pee. I don’t really want to date her I just want to hang out with her which wouldn’t be fair to her if she catches feelings (which she most likely will cause I’ve got a bomb ass personality). So I’ve got to move some of my shit to my sister’s house because I’ll be there for about a year. My brother has a birthday dinner tonight but I’m meeting my friend in Portland to try to this Cajun seafood place. I don’t know if I’ll be able to go there but it would probably be nice of me to show up. We shall see though. I took pto on Monday so I could have three days off for my mental health. I’ll probably end up at quarter world again to play Marvel vs Capcom tonight cause it makes me happy. I really did feel pretty shitty before I started writing but getting to the end of this post it actually helped quite a bit. I got this fortune that says “good things are coming your way” I thought it was coming true when I met the first girl and then the second girl but since they both aren’t feeling me I guess I’ll keep waiting. Au Revoir.