#idk I wld rather not classify it that way but I wanna be sure | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

arokaladin · 6 years

Text

Hey there. I’m gonna tell the whole story of my shitty and much regretted qpr now, under the cut because I’m only really doing this to expunge it. You can read if you’re curious but it’s honestly not that dramatic. Please don’t reblog because this is all incredibly private. oh also its fucking long sorry for that.

k so, first things first, some context. My qpr was a girl I’d known since I was five. We’ll call her C. As very young children she’d sort of been the unofficial leader of our group of friends and was I think a lot more mature than the rest of us? And so our dynamic reflected that in that I was like, the cute one and she was the one I looked up to and respected a lot. We didn't speak much for a few months when we were eleven, because we’d started different schools (tho eventually she moved to mine) but apart from that we remained very very close and eventually she became the most important person in my life.

The summer holiday when we were 14 is I think when we became this important to each other. For some more context this was also when I’d just started questioning and was resonating a lot with asexuality and later aromanticism. When I first discovered the words ‘squish’ and ‘qpr’ it was her that I thought of. In November of that year I explained the latter term to her while we were cuddled up on a sofa at a sleepover. By this point our relationship was essentially already a qpr, and we were so close/affectionate that a lot of people assumed we were dating.

In early January of the next year (literally the third I remember this useless information because idk my brain wants to torture me I guess) I asked her to be my qp. Over text. Because I was too nervous to talk to her about it irl. That detail will be important later. Anyway I was very excited because I really believed at the time that qprs were the best thing for sliced bread for me personally. Looking back this was very obviously because I was mourning the loss of my romantic future and was relieved that I had a ‘replacement’ for romantic relationships on the form of qprs. I was working through a shit ton of internalised bull crap and had no idea.

If you're thinking that I just descried a situation that's not exactly ideal and that you know exactly where this is going, you’re right! However I was fourteen and a fucking idiot. A FUCKING IDIOT. Even just before initiating the relationship I realised my squish on her was a lot less strong than it had been last summer and I ignored that. because I was a fucking idiot.

Anyway when we’d been together about two weeks we kissed. Before that we’d been doing lil face kisses and were very affectionate, but this was the first time we’d kissed on the lips or like, ya know, full on snogged. I actually enjoyed this at first, I guess because ~novelty~ or ~milestones~ or whatever, and I still really like the idea of quick lip pecks and sof face kisses. Snogging was still less interesting to me than hugs though, something I communicated to C asap after we’d finished being sappy.

Now, a quick detour into unrelated stuff because I’m trying to do this somewhat chronologically: Valentines day is not something we discussed. She made me a card, complete with her own art, and I didn't get her anything. because like I said we had not discussed whether we were going to celebrate the holiday. At the time I was mainly thrilled with the card and embarrassed I hadn't thought to make one, but looking back? probably she should have asked before catapulting us into a very romantic coded activity that she had no idea whether I would enjoy or not. Maybe I’m reading into that too much but idk. idk.

Back to kissing. There were maybe two months during which I was perfectly happy kissing C, though I think we definitely thought about if differently. To me, kissing was a fun new activity to throw into the mix (like I said not as good as hugs) whereas for her I thiiink it was more of a step up. My reasoning for this is that every time I went to kiss her on the lips or even be affectionate with her in any way really, it turned into full on snogging.

Anyway remember how I had to ask this girl out by text? how I have the communication skills of a fucking gnat? yeah well I had no idea how to tell her to stop kissing me. I would just. Keep kissing her. Didn't know how to explain I was beginning to feel bored by all the snogging and more importantly if she started kissing me I p much just had to wait it out. This isn't an issue with her btw? I was kissing back and she had no reason to think I wasn’t happy (though she definitely could have checked in more? idk?) but basically I’m a fucking idiot.

Oh also at this point I was panicking because even within my Back Up Relationship(tm) I was not feeling what I’d hoped I would. So uh, a lot of the my initiating kisses was because I liked them more in theory than in practice. And also because I was essentially trying to force myself to feel something. If youre now thinking wow, that sounds fucking unhealthy, then you’re right! I’m an idiot! Who the fuck let me navigate a relationship! Anyway this is when shit starts properly getting bad lmao.

So my feelings about kissing quickly go from boredom to discomfort to repulsion. I’m still dealing with all the aforementioned issues. At this point at least subconsciously I am hoping C will break up with me. Tbh I was most likely hoping this at least subconsciously for the majority of my relationship! It’s probably late 2016 by this point. I’ve been fifteen since march. Anyway she finally notices something is off, but assumes its exam stress because I do shit with that. She and my other friends (read: just her but she roped other people in and they are visibly confused because for obvious reasons they don’t think I’ve been off recently) sit me down and tell me they’re here for me. I am uncomfortable.

Then! Finally! She sits me down to properly talk about our relationship. Unfortunately she doesn't break up with me. However she has recognised by this point that I have become more uncomfortable with affection. Probably because my method for not getting kissed is now just. Pointedly looking away when I can tell she’s trying to kiss me. I have very vivid memories of her nuzzling against me, face very close to mine, and staring intently at the movie we were watching and ignoring her and feeling sick. Anyway we agree no more kissing. In this conversation she also asks what I'd think of her having a romantic partner as well as me at some point, which is kind of a dick move if you think about it. I’m mainly happy that I don’t have to kiss her anymore.

(sidenote that I also? grew a lot as a person over the year or so we were together and she decidedly did not. Which isn't a bad thing per se, people mature at different times, but I think even had none of the qpr shit happened our intense friendship would have died down because? our dynamic just did not work anymore. She was no longer the Mature, Respected one.)

However things are not yet over!!!!! No, things are actually at their shittest!!!! Not long after this conversation I admit to myself that I want this relationship to be over. I am uh. unable to break up with her. BUT WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THAT COMING!!!!! once again I’m a fucking idiot. Oh we’re also basically not talking by this point so my plan(?) is that maybe I’m being such a bad qp that C will break up with me. because I see that as my only way out. It’s horrible. I am filled with self hatred. I am basically having to blank someone I used to love for self preservation.

Oh, and another detail. By now I am made physically uncomfortable by her presence. My romance repulsion is set off in a bad way just by her being in the same room. I am physically incapable of looking at her. We walk to and from school together every. single. day. I remember far too clearly edging towards the side of the pavement just to try and get further away from her so I wouldn't be physically uncomfortable and C not getting the message at all and edging closer to me to close the gap and me ending up pressed into people’s front walls or teetering on the edge of the road, not talking to her, looking at the ground, and repeating things like ‘don’t talk to me’ in my head. Things were not good lads!

Finally, in what I guess was early February of 2017, she stops us and she asks ‘have I done something wrong?’. Not sure if I’ve ever felt worse tbh. She was obviously fucking miserable and wracked with guilt (like myself!) and uuuuuh I felt terrible but I managed to get out that I thought we shouldn't be together. And then we finished our journey home in awkward silence. A couple weeks(?) later I texted another friend of ours asking is they hated me because I was sure I'd done something terrible and that C was the victim here. Still working through that tbh but I’m doing better than I was.

Anyway I had to spend a lot of time with C for a while, but thankfully we go to different schools now and we only see each other occasionally because of mutual friends. The time gaps are I think what have allowed me to get a lot more comfortable with her presence. The last time I had to see her I was able to feel fairly comfortable being in the same room as her, and I thiiink I was able to look at her too and even address her directly! However I have no desire to be close to her again emotionally and would rather I never saw her again.

As for emotional affects, I’m still dealing with those over a year on. I am no longer able to want a qpr, which is very sad because technically that’s still the kind of relationship I want. I have cried a Lot due to becoming closer to a new (much better) person because brain says this means I will hate her if I get too close. I’ve also had a freak out over being offered another qpr, even though! I desperately wanted it! That’s kinda why it’s so upsetting tbh. I desperately want to label my relationships and I want security but in theory I know it would not be a good move for me. Oh also I’m weirdly scared to re-watch/read/whatever stuff that were Our Things. like stuff C introduced me to. The stuff I have gone back to hasn't upset me at all but idk dude.

Anyway there’s the story of how I fucked myself over by getting in a relationship that wasn’t good for me at fourteen and have probably ruined my chances at navigating intimacy as an aromantic person forever. ya know, no biggie. I’ll probably fuck off to bed soon.

Take from this what you will.

#im so fucking sorry this is unacceptably long #misc #mine #DONT! RB1 #cw for mentions of kissing and? dubious consent I guess?#idk I wld rather not classify it that way but I wanna be sure #hhhhhhhhhhh

16 notes · View notes