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illiterateaffairs · 11 months

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DISTRACTIONS VIII | OPEN WOUND

pairing: jamie tartt x f!reader (ted lasso)

rating: T

word count: 7,743

summary: you and jamie have officially taken your relationship to the next level. but jamie still feels like he isn’t good enough for you.

A/N: once again, thank you all for all of the patience as you waited for this long-delayed chapter, as well as everyone who reached out while i was under the weather. i love and apperciate all of you! this was a hard chapter to write, even now that i’m feeling better, so i hope it was worth the wait. icymi, thinking this is chapter 8 of 12 formal parts so we’re almost at the end, but i anticipate writing more drabbles set in this universe!💗

distractions masterlist | previous chapter

It wasn’t unusual that Jamie woke up before you, however it was usually when he had to meet up with Roy for training. This morning, though, once he opened his eyes and saw you sleeping peacefully beside him, there was no falling back asleep. He’d had the forethought to text Roy at some point last night to tell him he wouldn’t be able to make it to practice, knowing there was no chance he was leaving this bed without you.

Yesterday has been a rollercoaster for Jamie. After a few days of impending dread that you were going to end things with him after feeling you pulling away, you’d called and invited him over. The sound of your voice made his stomach flip and he’d had a shred of hope for the first time in weeks that maybe these feelings he’d developed for you weren’t one sided. Once deciding to go to your place after meeting with the team to fix up Sam’s restaurant, he was feeling confident enough to confess to you no matter what. He couldn’t let this go on any longer without you knowing what you meant to him.

The nerves crept in when the boys and he were finishing up dinner, and he’d texted you to let you know he’d be over soon.

“I can’t wait to see you,” he’d boldly texted only to regret doing so when he received no reply from you.

You’d probably fallen asleep on the couch watching one of your shows, he’d told himself. He texted you one more time before he started driving to let you know he was on his way. By the time he reached your flat, there was still no word from you. It wasn’t like you to not respond, even over the past few weeks when things were rocky, you still never fully ignored him. You had to be asleep.

He debated how loud he should knock, simultaneously not wanting to disturb you if you were in fact passed out on the couch, but also just wanting to at least be reassured you were alright. He ended up knocking at a normal volume, and was pleasantly surprised to hear your footsteps approach only moments later. A small smile instantly formed when he saw you, until he noticed that you looked like you’d been crying. He quickly moved to comfort you and his mind began racing with thoughts of what could have possibly made you so upset, and no matter what it was, he’d do anything to prevent it from happening again.

You didn’t get the chance to explain when another person popped the bubble you two seemed to form whenever you were together. Upon processing that another man was in your home, his chest began to feel like a piano had dropped onto it. Who the fuck was this? He thankfully had enough sense to analyze the situation and see that whoever this was, was clearly upsetting you so he couldn’t let his thoughts get too carried away. But that didn’t stop him from feeling defensive. Jealous. Protective.

As soon as the name Mason was uttered from the prick’s mouth, Jamie had to hold back from decking the guy across the face, for everything he did to you months ago, and for having the nerve to show up here and cause you any more distress. Then he had the nerve to call you ‘babe’ like he had any right to even be in the same room as you, let alone call you a term of endearment without any sense of affection behind it, only possessiveness. But he knew punching your ex wouldn’t make you feel any better.

Somewhere in the midst of his quiet rage, and focus on your well-being, the other man accused the two of you of being together, and Jamie quickly realized this meant you must have told him about the two of you in some capacity. At that moment, he wasn’t sure if you’d used him as an excuse to kick your ex out, or if it was true, but it didn’t matter. All he knew was this asshole needed to get as far away from you as possible. He almost threw all chivalry out the window when he watched Mason step closer to you, but luckily you moved away and maintained composure as you once again asked him to leave. Jamie immediately backed you up and all but pushed Mason out the door. As soon as he disappeared down the stairs, relief flooded Jamie’s chest and his heart pounded when you’d asked him to stay.

However, anxiety started creeping back up when he remembered what Mason had said.

“Don’t tell me he’s the one you moved on with?”

Had you moved on from Mason completely? And did you have feelings for him?

He’d hesitantly and quietly asked you just this, and you’d shyly admitted that you had indeed fallen for him, and Jamie could not remember a time when he’d been more happy. And despite his nerves, he never felt more proud to share that he had feelings for you, too. The rest of the night was a blur of kisses and tangled up limbs. He’d had great sex countless times before, specifically with you, but it was beyond incredible that night. You were incredible.

Now as sunlight crept into your room, he watched you sleep peacefully in awe. He could not fathom how he’d gotten so lucky to even know you, let alone call you his. He’d hoped you were his - not in a possessive sense - in a relationship sense. But between all the sex and lazy pillow talk in between, you two hadn’t exactly decided on any labels. He knew you were more than friends, and certainly more than just benefits, but he was a bit unsure of what that looked like from here on out.

He wasn’t aware of how much time passed as he watched you breath and traced nonsensical shapes across your hip, but before he knew it your eyes - your beautiful eyes - were fluttering open to meet his.

A warm smile takes over your face as you process your surroundings and Jamie can’t help but reciprocate.

After a few more quiet moments, you whisper, “Hi.”

“Hey,” Jamie whispers back. He doesn’t hesitate to close the very minimal gap between your two heads to kiss you, but your fingers press against his lips before he can.

“I have morning breath,” you whine quietly.

“That’s never stopped me before,” he tuts playfully and presses his lips against yours anyway. Despite your initial complaint, you hungrily reciprocate and Jamie practically smirks into the kiss

As much as you want to get carried away, you reluctantly pull away and lean your forehead against his. “I guess we never really talked about what happened last night.”

“We were a little busy.”

You huff out a laugh, but don’t meet his eye. After a few quiet seconds, you speak up again, “I’m sorry about Mason. He showed up out of nowhere.”

Jamie frowns, leaning away from you a bit, “You don’t need to apologize for him.”

“I know,” you nod, your fingers beginning to play with his absentmindedly between your two bodies, “I just feel bad that you even had to see him. I feel bad that I had to see him.”

“I don’t care about him,” he assures, his free hand combing through your hair comfortingly, “I just care that you’re alright.”

You nod, “I’m okay.”

After a beat, Jamie finds himself asking, “Was there any part of you that…considered taking him back?”

“No,” you answer immediately, clearing Jamie of any worries, “I think I want to believe his apology because I know I deserve one, but any feelings I had for him are completely gone. I have feelings for someone else. In case you missed that part.”

Jamie grins, “No, I remember that part very clearly. I think you said something like, ‘Jamie you are the nicest, sexiest, most talented footballer I’ve ever met and I can’t go another second without being with you’.”

You snort, “I don’t quite remember it like that. Was that before or after you told me I’m ‘the hottest, funniest, cutest person you’ve ever known and that I would make you the luckiest man in the world if I was your girlfriend’.”

Jamie laughs, “Not sure I said all that.”

You shrug, “Well, it’s all true, so can’t see why you wouldn’t’ve.”

Jamie’s amused smile turns into a shy one. “Even the part about you being my girlfriend? You really want to be that?”

You give him an unsure smile of your own, “I do if you want to. Be my boyfriend, I mean.”

“Oh, I definitely do,” he nods, leaning forward to press his face into the crook of your neck, “I’d be the luckiest man in the world, apparently.”

You laugh loudly, from his return of your joke but also from the vibration of his words against your throat. You settle down as his words turn into soft kisses that trail up to your jaw, to your cheek, and to your ear. As Jamie peppers more soft kisses across your face, nerves replace the butterflies in your stomach.

“Jamie?”

He plants one last kiss against your lips before peering down at you from above, “Yeah?”

“Would it be okay if we still kept our relationship quiet for a little bit?” you ask timidly. “I think I’d like to stay in this bubble we’ve had for a little longer, while this is still new, if that’s okay with you?”

Jamie’s quiet for a couple moments, and you worry that this is a deal breaker for him. However, he gives you a small smile a second later which instantly alleviates your nerves. He settles back beside you and pulls you into his chest.

“Of course,” he whispers into your hair, “I like having you all to myself. Although, I should probably tell you, Roy sort of knows.”

“Oh, yeah,” you chuckle, “I kind of knew that.”

“What?” Jamie’s eyes narrow, “How?”

“He mentioned it to me the other day. Wanted to make sure I wasn’t leading you on for nothing.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, it was sweet, actually. Didn’t see that coming from Roy Kent.”

Jamie snorts.

“In that case, you should know that Rebecca knows.”

“I did know that.”

“And Sam.”

“Wait, what? Sam, too?”

You nod, peering up at him through your lashes, “I only told him yesterday when I was panicking over how much I like you.”

“Aw,” Jamie smirks, “Kinda nice to know the effect I have on you.”

You roll your eyes, “Well, he told me you’ve kinda been obsessed with me this whole time.”

Jamie’s smirk drops, “What did he say?”

“Just something about Richard talking about me, and you flipping out.”

Jamie’s eyes fall closed, “I did not flip out. I just respectfully let him know you wouldn’t be interested in him.”

“Says who?”

“Says who-?” Jamie’s eyes snap open and so does his jaw. He spends half a second in complete shock before seeing the playful smile on your face, “You’re mean.”

“I’m sorry!” you laugh into his chest, “But you’re cute when you’re jealous.” You look up at him and see him pouting. You give him another grin and begin kissing up his chest to his neck, “Don’t worry,” you whisper between kisses, “I am all yours.”

Jamie sighs as you continue pressing kisses to his neck before ultimately capturing his lips with yours once again. There are voices in his head trying to convince him this is all too good to be true; that he should be more worried about your need for secrecy but he ignores them. For now he allows himself to get completely lost in you. His girlfriend.

You and Jamie arrive at the club separately later that morning, Jamie having reluctantly left your home to go to his so he didn't show up in clothes from the night before. However, you somehow manage to show up within moments of each other.

As you walk into the parking lot, you find Sam exiting his car and eagerly approach him with a kind greeting. You can tell he wants to ask you whether or not you confessed your feelings to Jamie the night before, but before you can put him out of his misery, Jamie’s own car pulls into the lot. He gets out and while you both try not to make eye contact, you can’t help but feel a gravitational pull toward one another.

Jamie nods at you, “Morning, Y/N.”

“Good morning, Jamie.” Neither of you can keep the goofy smiles off your faces. You’re lucky Sam is the only one around - you’ll need to be better about keeping this on the down low.

“Hey, Jamie,” Sam calls out with a smirk of his own that only grows when Jamie’s eyes snap to his in surprise.

Jamie smothers his smitten smile for a more cordial one, “Hey, Sam. See you inside?”

Sam nods. Jamie gives you one last look and another tiny smile before walking away.

You can barely look Sam in the eye as he spins back around to face you with a shit-eating grin.

“Don’t-”

“You did it!” he squeezes your shoulders and shakes you gently, “You told him you liked him!”

You can’t help but laugh as you shush him, “While it didn’t go exactly as I would have wanted, yes. I told him I liked him and he likes me and we’re…together.”

“Yes!” He engulfs you in a tight hug, “I’m so happy for you.”

You squeeze him back, “Well, can you be happy and quiet? We’re trying to be discreet for a little while longer.”

“Why?” Sam questions, pulling away from you, “I thought you’d be excited.”

“I’m, uh, buying time to try to figure out how to tell Keeley,” you explain to him, “I know that it's been a while since she and Jamie were together, but I don’t want to break girl code, you know?”

“Ah yes, the rules of female friendship are very sacred,” Sam nods sagely, “I guess we should get inside. I want to make sure I have time to tease Jamie before training - discreetly of course.”

You snort as the two of you head inside. You part ways with Sam after making him promise to be nice to Jamie, before you head towards Rebecca’s office.

You poke your head in her doorway and the older woman beams at you from her spot on the couch. She sets down her cup of tea and gestures eagerly for you to sit with her. As you sit beside her on the couch, you look around the room, trying to figure out how to tell her about your updated relationship status. However, Rebecca lets out a gasp, interrupting your brainstorm.

“Oh, my God, are you and Jamie are officially together?”

Your eyes nearly bulge out of your head, “How the hell do you do that?”

“I’m psychic,” you tilt your head in interest and Rebecca rolls her eyes, “No, you just looked nervous and I saw Jamie when he came in a few minutes ago and he seemed like he was on cloud nine. Figured it had to do with you.”

You shake your head, “You’re still ridiculous.”

Rebecca shrugs with a grin, “What can I say?” She pokes your arm, “Why don’t you look as happy? This is a new development I assume, so you should be in the honeymoon phase.”

“We are. I am. I just…we’re still keeping it a secret,” you sigh, before quickly adding, “Except from you, Sam, and Roy.”

“Uh huh. And why exactly do you need to keep it a secret if you’re actually dating him now?”

“I’m procrastinating telling Ted,” you admit sheepishly.

Rebecca frowns, “Why? Ted adores Jamie.”

“I know. And Jamie loves Ted. That’s the problem. He looks up to him. I don’t want to make their dynamic weird by putting myself in the middle.”

Rebecca shakes her head, “Or it could make it all the better.”

You shrug, “I think I’d rather wait a little before I find out.”

“I support you whatever you decide, but I think you worry too much about other people,” Rebecca sighs, “But you’re happy, though? With Jamie?”

You bite your lip to keep from beaming, “Extremely.”

A slow smile creeps its way onto Rebecca’s face before the two of you start squealing.

Jamie finds it hard not to proclaim his feelings for you when Isaac asks him why he’s in such a good mood, but he manages to find something else to say. That something else being: “The fuck? I’m in a normal mood, thank you very much,” to which Isaac holds his hands up and backs off, muttering, “Okay, I take it back. Relax, bruv.”

Yeah, he wasn’t exactly thrilled you were still keeping your relationship a secret, even after graduating from just fuck buddies. But you were together and that was all that mattered. He was happy, and you were happy. At least he assumed - hoped - you were happy. You wouldn’t just enter another relationship that wasn’t making you happy. Unless you were just doing it to make him happy. But then why would you confess your feelings first?

God, Isaac was right; he did need to relax. He was just in his head. This was the first time he was in a real relationship with someone. Sure, he’d had relationships before, with Keeley and other girls, but this time he gave a shit. A lot of shits. So many shits it made his stomach hurt, he thought he needed to take a shit. But he felt like he was tricking you into dating someone who may or may not have been just as bad as your last boyfriend. You had no idea the prick he used to be. While he knew he wasn’t that guy anymore, and that the absolute last thing he’d do was hurt you, he was still terrified he’d accidentally end up doing that anyway. He worried a part of you thought that would happen, too. That’s why you weren't jumping at the chance to tell everyone. Again, he understood and believed what you said about not wanting to burst your personal little bubble yet, but his insecurities were louder than his common sense.

As he sorted through his locker, nearly giving into all of his toxic thoughts, Sam popped up behind him and almost gave him a heart attack.

“Jesus,” Jamie startled as Sam gripped his shoulders.

“I hear someone’s got a girlfriend,” Sam sing-songs softly. Jamie spins to face him and cautiously looks around the locker room, “Don’t worry your secret's safe with me. I just wanted to say that I’m happy for you, mate.”

Jamie feels his cheeks heat up and the side of his mouth quirks up, “Thanks, man.”

Sam smiles back, “And for her, too. I only found out she liked you yesterday, but I can tell how happy you make her. It's kind of adorable.” As Sam starts to step towards his own locker, he playfully adds, “Just don’t fuck it up.”

Jamie’s stomach flips. If Sam thought he made you happy, it had to be true. He also heard Sam’s other point loud and clear - he couldn’t fuck it up. He swore on his life he wouldn’t. And if that meant not telling anyone else for the time being, his lips were sealed.

Over the next few weeks, you and Jamie manage to keep your relationship a secret all the while finding time to meet up at the club or at one of your respective flats. In some ways it's like nothing has changed as you sneak in make out sessions - or a little more - during lunch breaks, but in other ways it's not. Jamie particularly likes the little things your elevated relationship status brings to the table. You’re a lot more affectionate and share more words of affirmation, things Jamie hasn’t been particularly used to. Jamie’s the same way with you, and he opens up more little by little. You can tell there are things he’s still holding back, but you trust that he’ll tell you with time.

Just as your relationship has been better than ever, so has AFC Richmond’s track record. Since their victory at Arsenal, they’ve won three more games in a row. Jamie cheekily credits you with part of the reason he’s been doing so well as of late, and while you know that’s hardly the truth, you still accept the compliment and the many, many kisses that follow.

You’re together for about a month when Michelle and Henry visit England, along with Michelle’s new boyfriend, Jacob. In anticipation of their trip, you talk yourself up to the idea of telling your aunt about your new, official boyfriend. You were nervous to tell anyone in your family, particularly your dads. And Ted. You figured Michelle would be good practice and she’s always understood you differently than the paternal figures in your life. She used to be your go-to person to talk about boys with, and was the first person you told when you started dating Mason. But once you’d moved to Chicago and things with him started feeling off, you avoided talking about him when you could. This was different though. You were happy and proud to be in a relationship with Jamie. It should be easy to tell people. You should be bragging about it.

Unfortunately, when the opportunity strikes itself, you freeze. Jacob was making sure the last of their things were ready for their Paris trip, and Ted was getting Henry ready to go to the club, so you and Michelle had a moment alone. She even teed you up perfectly and asked if you were seeing anyone, but instead of enthusiastically telling her about Jamie, you anxiously laughed and told her no. No, there wasn’t a guy who treated you like you deserved and made you feel you’ve been struck by lightning every time you’re together. You told her you were happily single, straight to her face, like a liar. Because you were a liar.

The last few weeks you’ve been making up excuses to Jamie, Sam, Rebecca and yourself as to why you couldn’t admit to anyone else that you were dating Jamie. And while all of those reasons had validity, there was still a nagging feeling in the back of your head that didn’t want you to tell anyone even if those little worries went away. But you didn’t know what it was. You just hoped it went away sometime soon so you could be with Jamie in the way he deserved. Not hiding away, but out in the world together. With a modest amount of PDA. You weren’t an animal.

You push the uneasy feelings in your stomach away to wish Michelle and Jacob well on their trip. You stand beside Ted and Henry and wave them off as their taxi disappears down the street, before the three of you start your walk to Nelson Road Stadium. A few minutes in, Henry naturally walks ahead of you giving you and Ted the chance to talk. Per usual, he senses that something’s off, but you tell him you’re just a bit down this morning, and that Henry being here was already starting to cheer you up. Then you whisper that Jacob annoyed the shit out of you the entirety of your breakfast at Crown and Anchor. Who the hell dates one of their formal couples-therapy clients? You could tell Ted has also been uneasy since your meal, but he lightly scolds you and tells you to play nice. You do manage to clock the tiny smile in the corner of his mouth when you quietly refer to Dr. Jacob as a wanker and you take the tiny victory.

When you arrive at the club, you part ways so you can get set up in your office for the day, but you tell Henry he can visit you at any time. He knows the drill not to tell anyone that you’re related, seeming to understand the power dynamics of corporate culture in his own little kid way. There was a reason he was your favorite cousin.

He takes you up on your offer barely thirty minutes later. He bounds into your office, already going on about how Will showed him what it takes to be a Premier League kitman, and you barely have time to wonder how he knew where your office even was. Henry sits criss-cross-applesauce on the chair across from your desk as he asks you questions about your job and you try to make it sound as exciting as possible. He lights up when you tell stories about the mishaps you’ve witnessed during team training. You’re nearly about to attempt a PG explanation of the red-string incident - though you’d only heard about it second hand from Jamie after the two of you shared a particularly potent bottle of wine a couple weeks ago - when the man himself appears in your doorway already dressed for practice. Your heart skips a beat, both from seeing his face and the mental reminder to not let your secrets slip to either of the boys in the room, but you trusted them both enough to let yourself relax.

“Hi, Jamie,” you call out brightly, alerting the younger boy to the footballer’s presence. Once he turns to see Jamie, he eagerly sits up and greets him, “I was telling Henry here all about the glamorous life of a Premier League club owner’s assistant.”

Jamie nods and crosses his arms, “Hmm, what do you say, Henry? Would you rather stay here and help her go through documents all day, or come to training with me and the team for a bit?”

“Definitely training!” Henry exclaims with no hesitation.

“Okay, ouch.” you tease with a fake frown.

Jamie chuckles and nudges Henry’s arm, “You can head down to the pitch if you want then. A few of the boys should already be down there waiting for ya.”

“Awesome!” Henry cheers, practically sprinting out of your office. He calls out a goodbye and apology to you, promising to spend time with you tomorrow.

Jamie quirks an eyebrow at that and your heart stops briefly again, but you remain calm.

“What’s tomorrow?” Jamie asks, shutting the office door so you’ve got some privacy.

You shrug as nonchalantly as possible, “He probably said that to be nice.”

False. You had lunch plans with Henry, Ted, and Beard tomorrow. Yet another lie you’d told today.

Jamie nods, his eyes trailing you as you get up to formally greet him with a kiss.

“What brings you to my office?” you ask, pulling away but keeping your arms interlocked around his neck. “Can’t stay away from me?”

Jamie smirks, “While that is true, Ted actually asked me to bring Henry to the pitch while he talked to Rebecca about something.”

You hum, with a small smile, “Did you know you’re kind of Henry’s favorite player on the team?”

His smirk turns into a genuine grin, “He told you that?”

Technically no. But since you’ve been working for the club, every time you’ve had the chance to speak to Henry over Facetime, he always asks about Jamie. And you knew it wasn’t a coincidence he was number 9 on his own soccer team. Even when you and Jamie weren’t an official couple, and before you’d even started hooking up, you thought it was cute how much Henry looked up to the footballer. And when you commented on it, Ted remarked that Jamie always made Henry feel special each time he visited, even early on when Jamie was less than the friendliest guy on the team. You had to admit, being good with kids was definitely a turn on.

You just nod. Jamie’s smile turns mischievous again. “Who would you say your favorite player on the team is?”

You bite your lip and look off in the distance pretending to think.

Jamie lightly squeezes your waist and scoffs, “If you say Richard, I swear…”

“You know it's not Richard,” you laugh, fixing him a look as you lean closer to him, “My favorite player is obviously Sam.”

Jamie groans and presses his forehead against yours. “You are still so mean,” he whines, but you can hear the laugh in his voice.

You giggle, “You can be my second favorite.”

“Huh, well second is the best, some say.”

“Yeah, some.” You tease, pressing another kiss to his lips, “You should get to practice.”

“Yeah,” Jamie sighs, but doesn’t hesitate to kiss you long and hard one more time. “Can I come over tonight?”

“I would be disappointed if you didn’t.”

Jamie gives you one more sweet smile and kiss on the cheek before leaving you alone. Alone with thoughts of why you couldn’t possibly want to shout about your relationship from the rooftops. But for whatever reason, you weren’t ready yet. You just hoped one day soon you would be.

For some reason, Jamie cancels on you that night. He doesn’t offer much of an explanation as to why, but you trust he has a good reason. So, you tell him not to worry about it and offer up a rain check for the next night. Instead of responding yes or no, Jamie thumbs-up the text, which you aren’t thrilled about, but you try not to overthink one weird text exchange. Either way, you’d reach out to him tomorrow and see if he was still acting off.

In effort not to dwell on the strange interaction, you busy yourself with making dinner. While your meal is in the oven, you also call Keeley. Earlier that day, you’d heard the news about her personal photos getting leaked and since you were swamped at the club, you didn’t have a real chance to reach out. While it's been a minute since you’ve seen the girl, each of you busy with your jobs and respective relationships (not to mention you still hiding yours from her in particular), you could tell she appreciated hearing from you.

After cheering her up a bit with some words of comfort, and then a bit of girl talk to distract her, you settle down on the couch with a bowl of baked ziti and your laptop. First, you answer a few emails. One was from your dad of a goofy meme that he definitely could have just texted, but you respond nonetheless with a culturally relevant GIF. The other was from Kara, your old coworker from Chicago. You’d kept up with her pretty regularly since your move, exchanging texts now and again, but using email for longer life updates. You’d admitted that you’ve been seeing someone to her, but haven’t given details as to who yet, and that’s as close as you’ve gotten to telling anyone out of the circle of people who already knew.

You’d also confided in her about writing again, which you hadn’t really done with anyone else either. Telling your dads or even Ted or Michelle would put pressure on it you weren’t ready for. They’d be so excited for you, of course, but then you knew your dads would follow up with questions about whether you were going to do anything with the book you’ve been writing, and while that was the goal, you weren’t that far yet. Once it was in better shape you’d happily tell them.

And that’s what you do with the rest of your night. You bang out a few more chapters of your rom-com novel and then get to bed at a reasonable hour. You try not to dwell on the fact that it's the first night in weeks you’ve gone to bed without Jamie, but you push the thought away in order to get a good night’s rest. You’ll probably hear from Jamie in the morning.

And you do - but he just hearts your text when you wish him a good morning and say you hope to see him that night. At least it was a heart instead of a thumbs up.

Something was definitely wrong. You should just ask, but your brain keeps making up horrible reasons for his distance, starting and ending with him wanting to break up with you for some reason. You knew that couldn’t be it. You saw him less than twenty-four hours ago and everything was fine. Something else had to be bothering him, but you wanted him to tell you himself and only if he wanted to.

Again, you throw yourself into activities to distract you. First with an uncharacteristically large breakfast for one, and then with work at the club for a few hours before you meet up with your cousin, uncle, and surrogate-uncle at Crown and Anchor for a late lunch. You tried to text Jamie a couple times throughout the day, but only got minimal responses still. Ted and Beard can both tell something is off, but you force a smile and listen intently as Henry recounts their morning at the West Ham game.

You do manage to enjoy the rest of the evening with your family between bursts of anxiety when you see Jamie hasn’t sent anything. But you’re both relieved and twice as anxious when you see him standing outside your apartment as you arrive home that night. You wonder how long he’s been here.

“Jamie?” you call out softly as you reach the top of the stairs. It’s very obvious he’s not in a great place, “Are you alright?”

You’re surprised when he shakes his head and answers honestly, albeit avoiding your eye line, “No, I’m not so great, actually.”

You gulp, but try to give him a reassuring smile, “Okay. Do you want to come inside and talk about it?”

He nods and you move forward to start unlocking your front door. You two silently enter the flat, the only noise coming from the rummaging as you lock up and discard your coat and bag. A few moments later, you take a seat on the couch and look expectantly at him to join you, but he just shuffles to stand in front of you, staring at his barely worn Nikes.

“Jamie?” you speak up again and try to sound as gentle as possible, despite your increasing heart rate, “You know that you can talk to me about anything right? But you also don’t have to talk about it if you're not ready.”

He nods again, once, and you study his hands, and he clenches and unclenches them into fists a few times. You want to be patient with him, but with each passing second, you make up more and more worst case scenarios for how this was going to go.

“Did you hear what happened to Keeley?” he finally asks after a few minutes of excruciating silence, “About that video getting leaked?”

Your eyebrows raise in surprise. That’s not what you thought he was going to say.

“Yeah,” you force out, brushing past your confusion, “Yeah. Its so fucking shitty. I actually talked to her last night. She’s upset, of course, but she sounds like she’s holding up okay.” You explain. You study him for a few seconds before continuing, “Is that what you’re upset about?”

He once again silently bobs his head up and down, before he admits, “She actually made that video for me. The one that got leaked. Back when we were dating.”

Your mouth forms an “o”, starting to recognize some puzzle pieces but unsure of how they fit together. “Are you worried that you’re the reason it got leaked? Because you know it's not your fault. Whoever the asshole hacker is, who leaked everyone's shit, is to blame.”

“I know but I should have made sure everything was deleted,” Jamie sighs, his voice practically cracking as he slowly continues, “And it's more than that.”

“What is it, Jamie?” you question, “Because if you think it's that I’d be upset about the video itself, I’m not. You and Keeley dated a long time ago.”

“It's not that,” Jamie says, finally looking at you, “This happening has just reminded me of what a shit person I used to be when I was dating her and how she deserved better than that. And so do you.”

You frown, sitting up a little straighter, “Don’t say that. I know about your reputation back then, but it doesn’t matter. You’re not the same guy you were.”

“Yeah but you don’t know everything.”

“Jamie, I don’t care-”

“Please,” he pleads, “You have to let me say this. It’s been eating away at me since I met you. You have to know.”

You take a deep breath, and not knowing what else to say, you just nod encouragingly.

Jamie takes a deep breath and once again looks at the floor before he begins, “I wasn’t just a dick to Keeley. I cheated on her. I actually probably cheated on most of the girls I’ve been with. Honestly, for a few years, I can’t think of a time where I wasn’t seeing a girl or hooking up with another until a little while after Keeley and I broke up. I didn’t really know it, but I think I used my relationships or sex as another form of validation. It didn’t matter who I was seeing, if someone was interested I went for it. I just wanted to feel…good. I liked the attention. I liked being wanted. Not that that makes it okay, it definitely doesn’t. Especially with Keeley, who was probably one of the most genuine people I was ever with. And that’s why I feel even worse that the video got leaked.

“I didn’t feel that way with you, though. I still don’t. I wasn’t just sleeping with you for validation. Not that you don’t make me feel good or wanted, because you make me feel that way even when we’re just watching TV or playing a board game. But all that mattered to me was making you feel good, even when I thought all I was was a distraction for you. I knew all you wanted was sex, and I knew I was good at it, so I was more than happy to help. But even then I was so hyper aware that if you really knew the guy you were sleeping with, you’d hate me.

“Your ex is the biggest idiot in the world for cheating on you and making you feel like you weren’t good enough, and I’m glad you’ve moved on and that I could help you do that. But deep down I know that I’m just as bad as him. Maybe even worse. I have been an asshole to every girl I’ve been with, and I regret that, but it's the truth. I avoided telling you for so long because I was afraid if you really knew the kind of guy I was, you’d stop seeing me. But I wanted to tell you now, so that you could if you wanted to. Stop seeing me. Because I wouldn’t blame you.”

Jamie could barely hear the sound of his own voice as he finished his impromptu speech, with his own heartbeat ringing in his ears. As much as he hated to admit all of that, he knew he needed to. It’s been his inner monologue for months, he just finally needed to air it all out. And he felt like he owed you the full picture, so you knew what you were getting into; so you could decide if you really wanted to be with someone like him. You deserved a good man. One who was better at all of this and wouldn’t fuck it all up like he knew he could. He was still fucking up with Keeley after all of this time. You deserved better than him.

After a few beats of silence, he forces himself to look at you again, unable to fight the morbid curiosity of how you’d react. He manages to make out the tears forming in your eyes, through the tears welling his own. He didn’t realize he’d gotten so emotional during his speech, but he figures it's the guilt coupled with the fear of what you’d do.

He could tell you were biting your lip as you figured out what to say. This was it. You knew he wasn’t just a prick, but a cheater, too, and you were trying to find the right words to kick him out of your home and out of your life.

His breath hitches as you rise from your spot on the couch and take hesitant steps towards him. He almost flinches at the movement, but instinctually relaxes as your hand finds his own and intertwines your fingers together with a squeeze.

“Jamie,” you hoarsely whisper, and the sound of you saying his name makes his heart skip a beat, “Before I say anything else, I need you to know I am not going anywhere.”

Jamie lets out a loud breath of relief and your lips quirk up just a little.

“I really appreciate you telling me all of this, I know how hard that must have been,” you continue, “I am also sorry that somewhere along the way you’ve been made to feel not good enough - because I get it, I do - but you are absolutely good enough. For me and for everyone who is lucky enough to know you. I also need you to know that even at the beginning you were more than just someone I want to have sex with. You are someone I like talking to and someone who makes me laugh and has always made me feel safe, especially when I arrived in a brand new city at a time in my life when I didn’t know what the hell I was doing.

“What you did in the past was wrong; cheating on Keeley or on anyone. But what matters is that you realize it was wrong, and that you’ve learned and have grown. You are not that guy anymore. The guy I’ve gotten to know over the last few months knows right from wrong, is considerate, is kind, is attentive, and is still a bit of a prick sometimes, but he wouldn’t be himself if he wasn’t. And I really like that guy. Again, I respect you for telling me this, but I don’t care about your past, Jamie. I know who you are today and I want to be with you.”

Every word you said was true. Sure, it hit a nerve to hear Jamie has cheated before, especially with someone as amazing as Keeley, but despite those nagging voices in your head, you knew in your heart he wouldn’t do that to you.

Jamie’s lip quivers a bit at your assurance that you’re not leaving him. But still, he’s crippled by self doubt, “I’m still afraid that I’m going to fuck something up one day.”

“You probably will,” Jamie sputters, so you quickly place a comforting hand on his cheek and barrel on, “But so will I. We’re both bound to mess up from time to time because nobody’s perfect, Jamie. All that matters is that we try.”

Jamie nods. He’s unable to deal with even the minimal space between the two of you at this point and pulls you completely into his arms. “I can do that,” he whispers into your shoulder.

You melt into his embrace, “Good.”

It’s a blur, but somehow over the course of the next few minutes, you both end up back on the couch, completely wrapped up in one another. His head is resting on your chest as you lightly brush your fingers through his hair. You shush him as he attempts to make more apologies about not being truthful, as well as for blowing you off the last day or so. You’re happy to spend the night reassuring him that he was forgiven and that you were very happy with him. Immensely so.

“You know who might like to hear some of this,” you eventually comment and Jamie hums in question, “Keeley.”

You peer down at him as he plays with the string of your Richmond sweatshirt, of which you of course stole from him.

“I know. I’ve been meaning to.” He agrees quietly, “Think I just wanted to talk to you about it first.”

“That’s okay,” you smiled against his head, “Maybe next time you don’t have to stand outside my door waiting for me to let you in.” He looks up at you curiously, “Maybe I could make a copy of my key…so you can wait inside next time you want to talk. Or see me…If you want.”

You don’t know what possessed you to propose this idea all of a sudden. Maybe it was all the emotions surrounding his confession, or maybe it was how much you hated sleeping alone last night. Either way, you liked the idea of him being able to show up as he pleased. And even though you’ve officially been a couple for only a month, emotionally you’ve been together a lot longer.

A genuine grin appears on Jamie’s face for the first time that night. “That sounds nice.”

“Yeah?” a smile of your own starts forming.

“Yeah,” he props himself up to brush his lips against your cheek, “I can see about getting you a copy of mine as well, but I honestly think I like being at your place a lot more than mine.”

“I like you being here, too.” you gently pull him on top of you for a full fledged kiss.

Jamie eagerly reciprocates and feels the weight that’s been on his chest the last couple of days fully melt away. He would definitely still talk to Keeley, but he’s comforted by the fact that he not only still has you, but that you didn’t look at him any differently after knowing more about his past.

Also, despite his unsuredness over you wanting to keep your relationship a secret, he no longer cared about that either. You made it very clear tonight that you wanted him and thought he was good enough for you. He still hoped to one day proclaim his feelings for you to the world, but for now, being with you in any capacity was more than good enough for him.

A/N: once again, thank you all for reading and all the love and support! this was one a beast to figure out and write, so i hope you liked it! i’m also envisioning that my original drabble “i like you” takes place in this four weeks they are dating at the start of this chapter <3

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