#i... don't even know where to beg
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am i gonna put you in the book acknowledgements am i gonna be able to say your name without flinching am i ever gonna get a word in edgewise am i ever gonna recover the time i spent with you. computer virus kid; i arrived in your life already begging to be let in. somehow insecure i could even be your friend. like you had a line outside the door and we were all shifting our weight, begging.
you're so fucking good at that - at making people feel like they need to earn you, like you're a commodity none of us can afford. no kindness or careful communication could work on you - you were so good at just going-ghost, about deciding someone just wasn't cool-enough. something about that is super ironic. even the parts of it that weren't romantic felt like a romance book. i wanted you to like me so badly i scrubbed myself clean just so you'd spare me - what. your favor? a look?
okay okay okay. it's just a friendship - if it was even true that we were friends, if you even saw me as someone you trusted. on reddit someone would tell me girl literally just cut her out of your life, it's not that difficult. even i was aware of how fucked up the whole situation was. like, why the fuck do i even care about your approval? you're like, not even that fun to be around. you are often a little bit cruel.
but for almost four years of my life, i thought i had found someone like me. somebody who liked the same things i do. someone who liked to read and who liked making jokes with esoteric references and who spent maybe too much time on the internet and who was absolutely a little bit pretentious. i don't know, something about that was powerful and addictive.
i keep thinking about our last conversation. about how i said - okay, enough is enough. you pushed me too far, you really hurt my feelings.
and how you laughed and said - you think you're the victim?
#spilled ink#warm up#writeblr#she physically assaulted me and then screamed in my face#but not before sh'ing first and blaming it on me#while she was locked in my bathroom. at 1 in the morning#while i begged her to please just calm down and to try taking a deep breath and to go to sleep#and then she was like - ur just like my abuser#bc she had screamed in my face which was triggering to me and i froze like a deer in the headlights#and since i had shut down at that point evidently i was the problem child#i know she is out there telling our mutual friends i abandoned her and it makes me SO pissed off#like dude you spent so much fucking time forgiving & forgetting that your decrepit asshole of a boyfriend#pushed me down in the fucking hallway#but noooo hes <3 troubled <3 at 43 and divorced#bc according to you it's important that u don't '''see anyone as a monster''#but god forbid i not handle you SCREAMING IN MY FACE#i couldnt even get you to say sorry for crossing my original and only boundary you were like ''what did you want me to do''#babe i said 'the bf is not allowed around here he scares me and u said ur broken up with him'#that was the thing i wanted you to do: not fucking invite him to WHERE I LIVED#godddd typing this shit out and knowing it's only 2% of what actually happened makes me feel pathetic#i can't believe i let you treat me like that. you were a TERRIBLE friend.
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greg not only being tom’s attack dog, but his therapy dog, sheepdog, guide dog, watchdog, service dog
#tomgreg#just having a bit of fun with this episode :)#i just can't get over the scene where everybody is coming at tom at all angles#mirroring what he says at the beginning and he fully exposes how dependant he is on greg and how much he leans on him#and greg steps up and tries to corral the siblings bc tom can't breathe#and then tom begs him please PLEASE and greg tries to lead them all ESPECIALLY shiv bc he knows tom is vulnerable right now and#shiv is dangerous re: guard dog#ALSO THE NOPE YOU CAN GIVE IT TO ME BILLY I DIDNT NOTICE THAT FIRST GO ROUND#and tom looks and POSSIBLY smiles at him??? :(( sigh. he appreciates the readiness in which greg is acting in his side of the partnership#something tom hasn't really gotten before...... sigh. sigh#and the end like i Know it was for greg himself but it was for tom too i'm putting my foot down#especially with fry her ass up at the beginning here it's even easier to associate the two#plus the whole information is like fine wine etc etc. it was for himself And for tom#iwould go so far as to say Especially For tom. don't @ me
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All it takes is a wee little nightmare to make you too scared to step foot outside for fear of Bad Things happening, like it’s an omen lol
#also it is p o u r i n g outside and it takes me an hour and fifteen minutes to commute to campus#i'm a good little student but sometimes i just can't be assed#esp with all the crazy stuff that's been happening on public transit and on my campus for that matter#i'm just getting a bad vibe today [insert empath meme here]#warning for me complaining about a graphic nightmare!!!!:#had a few stress dreams(?) last night but one particularly violent one in which a woman got run over by a streetcar--#--and the paramedics were moving people along but i accidentally got a really good look at her and it fucked me up#she looked like she was just sleeping peacefully but i could only really make out the top half of her body#probably because the bottom half was... yeah.#i think i also had another dream that i was being hunted by a sniper?? and they had called my cell and were threatening me + my folks?#and another one where i had to hide some children from... i don't really know what. some dangerous person who wanted to kill all of us#but the kids wouldn't leave me even though i begged them to.#yeah just a normal collection of dreams for me. literally ugh.#i don't even think i'm stressed in my life rn??#not any more than normal lol
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I am shaking with fucking rage listening to this state of the union i think maybe two other faces have made me instantly get this angry.
I am not your "fellow American." I refuse to be American if this is what it means to be American. I am human before I am an American.
I refuse to die before I see a free Palestine. I will see a free Palestine in my lifetime. I refuse to die before I can see a free world. I will see everyone free in my lifetime because I refuse to die without seeing it. It's probably impossible but I don't care because I have to see it. I'm sick of seeing anything else.
#I cannot accept this place as it is bit I do love this place. I love the lands the people and the places I lived in and have seen. I want th#This is the first election I vote in and its the only one I've been around for that I couldn't even beg to predict. And either outcome is e#the same kind of evil we've been for over a hundred years. The evil place I was born into.#I haven't had faith in America since 2020#when the illusion snapped. But as every year comes and goes I manage to lose even more faith in this place that I've hated for 3years and 9#I have to live to see a free world. I have to see it with my own two eyes. I have to see people free from fear. I don't know how to live wi#and your freedom#and our freedom#and their freedom. I want to see a world where children are happy. I want to see the world I keep dreaming about#where everyone is taken care of.#grahambles
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hey lads if you’re not gonna comment on a fic you enjoyed, at least leave a kudos man
#delete later#on like half of the stories i've written on ao3 or more#i don't even get 10% of the viewers leaving kudos on my work and that's just kinda tiring man#we've come so far from the fanfiction.net days where writers solely thrived on comments and private messages to KNOW if their work is well#received by the online people#now you can just press a BUTTON to know that you enjoyed a story and it only takes like half a second!#there are so many people online who are constantly BEGGING everyone to PLEASE comment or review or let them know somehow that you've enjoyed#their work because we get so little feedback often and it is demotivating af#but if you're not gonna comment AT least leave a kudos rather than staying silent and consuming the stories like it's nothing#one thing i loved in the beginning of the ml fandom was how interactive everyone was with fanfics and how it had such a positive status#people were happily reblogging and leaving kudos and commenting LOADS back then#now???? it's literally SILENCE#back when my writing was worse prepandemic i easily got hundreds of kudos in a few days#but now i'm struggling to reach even 200 kudos in three months on my newer oneshots#engagement rate is soooooo bad now and it's demotivating af#i think this is why i prefer to write and send drabbles on discord because people there do respond and react to my works and it gives me the#push to keep going
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you can read an andy weir novel that features your area of expertise. but watch out
#me reading the martian: physics and botany. i don't know anything about these! what fun i am having!#me reading project hail mary: THATS NOT HOW MEMORY WORKS. THATS NOT HOW LANGUAGE WORKS#not that i am even an 'expert' but still#[man gripping sink voice] i don't need interesting linguistic worldbuilding in every book i read. i don't. i do not#books#my posts#talking to my scientist friends about the martian they were so annoyed by the science. whereas i was having a grand old time#the thing that annoyed me most about the martian was how all these world governments banded together to spend billions#of dollars just to rescue one measly astronaut? there's asking me to suspend disbelief and then there's whatever that was.#this book also features a lot of international cooperation at an unrealistic scale but it has a better excuse#so i'll allow it#i'm still having fun i do find his books eminently readable i just. sir please talk to one (1) conlanger i'm begging you#there are aspects where i'm like okay i can see how you needed to fudge that to get anywhere with your plot#but there are other aspects where i'm like hey you actually could have made this part less inaccurate. and didn't for no reason. boo!
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y'all know those times when you hit that point in an evil run of a game where you go "actually, I don't know if I can do this"?
#karlach and wyll both yelled at me earlier 😭#i was trying to play isobel's murder as a really uncontrollable durge impulse#because elegy's been doing a lot of good things lately it'd make sense thos would be harder to resist#but the DISAPPOINTMENT#the ANGER#on BOTH OF THEM#you can literally beg karlach to help you and that's kind of the vibe i've been going for with elegy#terrified and wanting so badly to be good but she can't do it on her own#and karlach says ''i don't know if i can'' and that BROKE me#anyways if you kill isobel you don't get the scene where you have to stop yourself from killing your li#so i reloaded lol#texts from the void#vex plays bg3#(there have been two other times i have felt this)#(mass effect 3 sabotaging the genophage cure)#(fnv selling arcade to caesar)#(the thing is is elegy isn't even an evil durge she's resisting. the evil one is PER)#(it's not like her relationships were irreparably damaged either some how we could carry on as normal)#(just with a giant fucking slayer monster tagging along)#(but the weight on my shoulders from disappointing karlach was too much)
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Absolutely nailing a Lae'zel befriending run and then forgot I had her selected and she turned around and swung and sliced Gale in half when I misclicked and I had to reload a bunch of progress :')
#On my main Dark Urge play I fell foul of the bug where she kills you then stays in camp#and even flirts with you#and generally acts like a member of the party#except she won't join the group and more#and then later just bugs out and wanders around alone in the wild#and will be like 'SIGH I NEED TO JOIN YOU I GUESS MAKE ROOM IN YOUR PARTY'#and then not do that#anyway moral of the story don't play Dark Urge and do weird things around Lae'zel#Durge was like 'oh Shadowheart will ress me anyway lmao' and just offered up their neck to resolve it#bg3#bg3 spoilers#anyway I am not talking about my play really except silly things#but let me tell you I am obsessed with all 3 of the female companions for varied reasons#and Lae'zel is my One That Got Away who I am now persuing through the wilderness begging her to take me back#(if you hadn't guessed by knowing me I am just wildly gay for Karlach)#(and I just think Shadowheart is neat and also the most emotionally compelling)#(but they really are right when everyone and their cat tells you not to play Durge first and I did not know this but it IS true)
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dazai and oda
mushitarou and yokomizo
veraline and rimbaud
koyou and her lover
chuuya and the flags
akutagawa and his friends
ango and oda
kyouka and her parents
ranpo and his parents
tachihara and his brother
yosano and tachihara's brother
francis and his daughter + wife who couldn't bear the pain and became mentally ill
fukuchi and his suboordinates
BSD is full of characters who've suffered the loss of someone close to them and is still in mourning even after they're long gone.
#lowkey comforting and painful at the same time#gone but never forgotten#you can move forward while forever missing the person you lost#grief changes you but it's going to be okay#am i projecting? maybe#i know some characters have shown their grief more than others#but that doesn't mean other characters aren't also grieving despite it being off screen#like im pretty sure there are times where ranpo misses his parents#he was close to them from what i remember#also fukuchi. one of the reasons he's doing this is how he and his suboordinates suffered during the war#that flashback of his comrade begging for revenge - he's clearly still affected by their deaths even after many years.#not to mention koyou#verlaine#francis#etc#like even if they don't show it that much anymore-#i'm p sure that if you show any of these characters a distant memory or memento of their lost loves#they're going to start balling#that scene in the cannibalism stageplay of chuuya crying#okay about the characters who haven't really been shown to grieve their lost ones (like ranpo or akutagawa) -#- that could just be me projecting lol#but then again#it'd be realistic if they still do imo#bsd#bsd thoughts#i like that bsd is a hopeful story about moving forward despite the hardship#mushitarou becoming a writer and using what he learned from yokomizo#yokomizo's appearances becoming less negative as the series progresses
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...i'm starting to wonder if i wasn't actually pretty often failed by the adults in my life as a young kid tbh.
#i'm always doubtful where to put the blame#in a morally neutral causality kind of way to be clear#because like. i dont know. if i was the adult. confronted to the opaque behavior of a child. would i have done better?#but also i can't help but think#why the fuck did they make me skip a grade (last grade of primary on top of that) when i was notorious for never doing my homework#and was incredibly inconsistent across topics#like i sucked at math. like ''needs to count on fingers to do a simple addition or substraction'' sucking at math.#like i never learned any multiplication tables sucking at math#like i never got how to pose divisions and still can't at age 18 because logicomathematics are completely counterintuitive to me#and just. the work was never done to make me Get It. my work or teachers' work who knows. but perhaps skipping a grade wasnt the solution#or like#apparently when i was three years old the pediatrician suspected smth was up with me#either autism directly or ''generally suspicious child'' we're not clear on that#but he told my parents. and everybody said ''we better test that'' and then. nothing. idk.#they filled a parental report of behaviors questionnaire for... adhd i think? autism maybe. and that's it. never fucking heard about it.#god. i just remembered my mom saying proudly they almost never put me in the nursery as a kid.#always either with a parent or family or a nanny.#and perhaps mother. you could have foreseen that a kid with no siblings no pets no kid neighbors no playdates. would end up socially fucked#i remember the teachers scolding late students and showing us that we were supposed to be in bed by 9:30 or something#and internally i was like BUDDY AT 9PM WE'RE HALFWAY THROUGH DINNER#MOM'S BEEN HOME FOR LESS THAN AN HOUR#and shit. i don't know. i was scared of the dark as a child. to the point that even with the compromise#of keeping the door ajar and lights in the hallway (which i had to fucking advocate for btw)#i still slept curled up in the bathroom on a towel sometimes when it got too scary#and i would cry and scream before going to bed. i would beg my mom for sleeping pills from a young age.#i would often find myself in the morning sleeping with my face smushed between the pages of the book i literally fell asleep on#because i read until my eyes gave out#and a couple years later when i got a 3ds i'd play at night and if my dad caught me he'd storm into my room and i'd hide under the comforte#and he'd punch a couple times and whisper-yell at me not to do that and go to sleep#it took until i was about 15yo for me to see a sleep specialist
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overwhelmed with the feeling of how much I want to leave this hellhole of a house for good
#even my shitty apartment with the broken heating and the dodgy water heater was more of a home than this house ever was#it's tearing me apart always having to be on guard here to keep myself protected from the moldy crumbling walls and my parents ignorance#they may have created me but they don't know anything about me and don't care to learn#they have hurt me in so many ways and robbed me of my childhood and teen years and are still a burden on my mental health#and they have the audacity to act like everything is fine and dandy between us. they don't know me#and i don't want them to know me tbh#i just want to leave#i want to find a place where i feel comfortable and where i can rest for the first time in my life#where i am surrounded by people who see me and know me and care about me#i want to feel loved and seen for the first time in my life#no more pain no more punishments no more hate. i am begging on my knees
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the way we handle medical leave in the states even for people with good benefits is cruel
#the number of hoops i have to jump through. the way that my requirements for one surgery are apparently different from another surgery#even though there's nothing in the paperwork to indicate any need for that and the surgeries don't differ all that much#the way that they lost my initial letter and now i'm up against my deadline next week and they haven't even told me what day next week#so i'm worried that it's literally tomorrow#the way i am not receiving ANY pay for an entire month because of all the delays so i'm having to live off my savings#the way that every single person i've talked to has said something different about what is and isn't required#the way that for a lot of this i had to be navigating it while high on painkillers immediately post-surgery#the way that the group my employer contracts through has two different emails and names and flips between them constantly#the way that my healthcare provider does it differently than every other healthcare provider so i need special forms from them#instead of the leave group but then the leave group doesn't seem to accept the forms that they send#the way that the doctors office has seemed incredibly confused by my requests#the way that the ROI office told me they'd send over a completed form and never did#the way i literally don't even know who to call next to try and sort this out or if it's possible TO sort out#like i guess i'll call the leave group tomorrow and cry and beg for an extension. i guess i'll grovel bc it's the difference#of getting a few thousand dollars or not and i can't just be like oh well guess i won't get my short term disability pay#especially bc none of the hospitals have billed me yet and i'm getting scared bc i don't know what my ER bill is going to look like#bc they did xrays and a CT scan and they gave me a splint and a sling and a lot of drugs#so i do need the money. just sitting here like. idek what to do lmfao.#not tagging this bc i'm on desktop and i can't do the accent mark easily and idk where my phone is rn sorry
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if there is one thing i will never recover from with crestoria's crossover being gone for good, it's that we'll never ever know the story behind transgressor yuri.
if there are two things i will never recover from with crestoria's crossover being gone for good, it's that leon and aegis' loyal friendship will never ever return.
#GTF Things#Tales of Crestoria#it is rare for leon to be on that kind of respect level with someone let alone risk his own reputation as a traitor to let someone escape#by which i mean in destiny he only ever rly did that for stahn bc stahn was the ONLY person screaming over leon's suffering#and BEGGING him to talk to him and not take on everything alone#so i'd be hard pressed to say he truly made that last second decision for any other reason#other than stahn getting through to him bc if stahn hadn't said anything nobody else was all that worried abt doing so#for him to do that for aegis even in a setting where he wasn't going to be in mortal peril#still risked him becoming a transgressor if anyone had had time to record that#i.e. local dude helps local sinned traitor escape and is by association also a sinner#and that may have affected the ease of his search in restoring stahn to human form#which stahn prob would not have minded but it would still increase the difficulty for leon's search all the same#with yuri forget it im going to be permanently S T R E S S E D that we will never know that story#and i don't think they'd play into the possessed-not-really-yuri thing again after doing it in asteria#and in rays it was only a cameo thing. i fully believe that was actual yuri bc it would fit into his canon-mixed-with-crestoria#so unless the devs for some reason decide to tell us what their plans were for yuri we will never know#and it's been too long now since cresty went down like do i have to write this shit myself#they robbed me of transgressor yuri meeting vicious too woe is me cresty team#im still so desperate for them to turn crestoria back on like pls it's not just my crops anymore it's me too im also dead#i know they won't turn it back on and heck all the data for it is probably long since byebye BUT#even if i enjoy the manga it's not the same without the crossover#i would kill for them to give us that game back it was my fave gacha ever ;;#i say that with the full bias of the fact that i obliterated everything with default leon and completely maxed him in every aspect#but also just the fact that i want cresty's crossover back s o f u c k i n g b a d
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.
#i would give ANYTHING to be out from under the duress of SSDI and i simply cannot achieve that and my boyfriend simply cannot achieve that#and i honestly don't know what to do#the constant anxiety#the fear of SS punishing me for begging for help#of holding my boyfriend's income whether earned or unearned against me if we choose to marry and possibly even if we do not#i just don't know how to exist in this world that wants to punish me out of existence simply for trying to survive#everyone says OH don't try to lie to them they'll find out#and i'm like well i'm fucked because for the last many years i thought unearned income was NOT counted against you#but it turns out is is#and it is penalized even more harshly than earned income#to make sure that those of us who CANNOT work know our wretched and worthless place#and if they come at me for having BEGGED for help in the past and my benefits get yanked#guys that's game over for me#that's suicide time and i am not lying because without what meager help they do give i WILL not survive for long#and if they choose to jail me that's also not survivable#so im just looking at this hideous bleak future where i live in fear all the time and can never marry my boyfriend#and it has soured everything#i cannot work#the idea of getting married is sour now and almost disgusting because it's so tainted by fear and oppression#and no a civil ceremony isn't the answer as they consider that the same as legally wed#so i just don't know what to do#i just don't fucking know how to go on#when the rules they play by are so obscure and so rigged against me#i can't do what i love most and make ponies because the very idea fills me with grief and anxiety#i don't have the spoons to chase down the answers or the solutions#i am so tired#and i so very much wish i could just be a regular person and do normal things and care for myself#i am one crisis away from utter dissolution and i barely know who i am anymore#god help me i want to live so very fucking badly but i look at the future and see nothing changing#not going to hurt myself but i wish to god i knew how to make my meager income safe and how to fucking beg so they won't want to take it
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Who remembers the time in my first year back at college at a new school when, in my first ever Linguistics class, my professor asked me to research alternative terms for "penis" on Urban Dictionary?
@memey-dreams
#tagging my friend whom I met in that class hopefully he's still on here and remembers this assignment#I know he remembers our first day where the professor spoke all Romanian to us for an hour and gave us a Romanian lesson#I felt so smart that day ngl bc I clocked it in half a second#I was like this is a Romance language that looks kind of Slavic: must be Romanian#we all were speaking it really well though if I do say so myself#and with no instruction in English whatsoever#and then he came clean lol#oh anyway the conclusion of this story is that he had said specifically he would only give the word penis to guys and vagina to girls#and frankly he was making a lot of assumptions about my body and also my comfort level and so I begged#please don't make me look up penis on Urban Dictionary I already know where this is going#and he said ok why don't do meth instead? and I said yay thank you! :D#so the next class nobody else did meth though so I got put with a group doing weed and I named like 6 slang terms for weed#off the top of my head that I've heard people say all the time that they didn't already even have on their lists
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I know I'm just yelling into the void at this point. but throwing a "x-shippers dni" on a fic NEITHER OF THE CHARACTERS EVEN FUCKING FEATURE IN? IS THIS REALLY THE POINT Y'ALL ARE AT NOW?
#anti nonsense#christ the brainrot has spread deep#yeah you get three guesses and the first two don't count it's the pla fandom children* again because who else would it be 🤦#*gods i fucking hope it's only twelve year olds doing this. i know it's not but let me exist in a more sane world for a moment please.#i have never seen a fandom so violently obsessed with yelling about a pairing where half the ship legit doesn't even exist in the source me#I am BEGGING y'all to be fucking normal.#the bar was set so low and you're digging into the earth's core to go under it
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