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goose-books · 2 years

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[tapping the mic] your name is valentine van velt, you’re seventeen and maladjusted, and YOU SHOULD COMMISSION @jadlz RIGHT NOW.

okay, but seriously, you should commission my friend riot over at downriotlane on instagram; i have and CLEARLY it was a fucking amazing decision because LOOK at this cover for valentine van velt is dead! pros here: their art style(s) is (are) gorgeous! they drew this incredibly fast! they will draw your OCs! they have the coolest makeup of anyone i know! that part isn’t relevant to the commission part except for the degree to which it enhances their swagger! cons here: none. commission him. and then read my mental illness book

#max.txt #vvvid tag #i've forgotten how to make serious posts. why do i have to sound professional. look at it.#i want to print it out and put it in my mouth.

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tiikerikani · 2 years

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Last week I wrote (elsewhere):

for all the emphasis that finnish discussions around occupational health and psychology place on 'recovery' after work and on holidays, people sure don't like to be proactive about making sure people actually get that rest and listening to people when they say it's not working out for them.

i just wish people would believe me when i'm like this ??? i'm not making shit up just to be a drama queen???? i just so desperately need somebody to actually LISTEN TO ME rather than making up their own interpretations of why i feel so goddamn tired and sick of everything all the time

...

because i am like barely a functional human being right now and i'm also burning all my money grasping at things to feed my psychological needs at the expense of my physical needs (also burning money for that, because i can seldom put my mind on eating anymore so i get ready-to-eat and restaurant stuff instead of cooking) and i don't want to be like this

...

looking forward to seeing senpai helps me count the days but he can't fix this

He got the "barely a functional human being right now" message. (He was already familiar with my overall situation, which helps.) I hate that you kind of have to play mind games to get the help you know you need without bringing up the suggestion directly. So, like, you have to make things sound as serious as possible without outright lying about it.

It seems to be a usual thing, that when medical professionals know they're dealing with matters stemming from anxiety/mood (rather than something more...concrete like, for example, lack of sleep), they ask the patient "what do you think would help you right now". Sometimes I don't have an answer for that. But I had one now, especially because I had just had this very unsatisfying summer vacation: to spend time more like how I did over Christmas; it wasn't without its own worries and burdens, but I was at least able to get a modicum of enjoyment out of that time. (OK there was also waiting for The Mail keeping me in a hype loop but I didn't mention that.)

So now I have the rest of this week and next week off. Fortunately I'd only been back from vacation for 2 days so it hasn't been long enough to completely undo what little recovery effects there were from the last 2 weeks. It's not going to fix everything but should give me more time to feel like I've had SOME kind of a vacation.

I didn't go to bed again until like 3:30 AM, but I woke up at I think 10:30? I had forgotten to switch my alarms off so I had to be semi-awake to turn those off. I haven't done the thing for a while where I put the radio on when I wake up, so I did that, and a Vesterinen song came on a couple of songs later, so that was my signal to get out of bed.

So far today I've accomplished:

Taking my first shower in... at least a week? (I was not at all exaggerating about being a barely functional human being. I am just very good at intuitively hiding it outside of home.) I had a nice title for this post while in the shower but I've since forgotten it.

Applying spray fixative to a cloth-bound hardcover book that has metallic foil on it. It was rubbing off really badly already when I received it, and I've been keeping it in a bag. The fixative leaves an ever-so-slight cloudiness on the black cloth but you don't really really notice it. I'm keeping the book in the bag anyway.

Cooked and ate pasta

Messed around with making silicone molds and casting resin bases for miniature figures, the sanding and polish of which led me to

Vacuuming the dang apartment for the first time in I don't know how many months

(I think I) fixed a speaker cable

But most importantly, doing these things not feeling like I have to climb out of a well to do them. (Having to force yourself to do your hobbies kind of defeats the purpose of them.)

#personal #mental health #senpai can't fix this

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