BOOP.JPG

nothing's more fun than getting the position you want, making almost $5 more than your previous position, AND watching the misogynistic, annoying, zero work ethic superficial MAN get pissed because you got the position he wanted.

One thing that I feel is really interesting and often forgotten about Essek is that fundamentally, his characterization has been from the start based upon his desperation for external perspectives and connection, which, along with much of his narrative and mechanical positioning, means that he actually has an extraordinary and almost (but not actually, as I'll show) counterintuitive capacity for both growth and trust.

(Buckle in. This is a long one.)

In particular, I would argue, knowing now that many places where the plot touches Ludinus have long been marked for connecting back into the current plot, that he was quite possibly built as a prime candidate for radicalization by the Ruby Vanguard. He felt isolated from his culture, he was desperate for other connection, and he was certainly of the type to believe he was too smart to be drawn into such a thing, given his initial belief that he could control the situation and the fallout. If things had gone any other way, he easily could've been on the other side by now.

As such, he has been hallmarked by being fairly open to suggestion, perhaps for this reason, but the thing about that kind of trait is that it is both how people are radicalized and deradicalized. This is certainly true of Essek, who experienced genuine kindness and quite frankly strangeness from the Nein and was able to move from the isolation the Assembly had engendered to meaningful and genuine connection, largely propelled by his own internal reflection. By the time Nein are aware of his crimes, he's already begun to express regret to an extent and, furthermore, doubt in the Assembly, including explicitly drawing a line against Ludinus, even in a position where he was on his own and probably quite vulnerable.

Similarly, when the Nein reach the Vurmas Outpost some weeks later, he has moved from regret for the position he's ended up carrying a heavy remorse. This makes sense! He's fairly introspective, seems used to spending a lot of time in his own head, and was left with plenty to mull over. It's not some kind of retcon for him to have progressed well past where the Nein left him; it just means he's an active participant in the world who has done his own work in the meantime.

This is another interesting aspect to him. I've talked about this a bit before but I cannot find the post so I'll recap here: antagonists in D&D have significantly more agency than allied NPCs. Antagonists are active forces, against which the party is meant to struggle; allies are meant to support the PCs, which means they tend to be more passive in both their actions and their character growth. Essek was both built as an antagonist, in a position that gives him significant agency, and also was then given significant opportunity to grow specifically to act as a narrative mirror for Caleb's arc. Even when he becomes a more traditional D&D ally, he still retains much of that, though he occupies a supporting role.

I believe that this is especially true because of the nature of Caleb's arc, which I've already written on; the tl;dr of this post is that Caleb is both convinced that he is permanently ruined and also desperate to prove that change is possible. Essek is that proof, because he is simply the character in a position to do so. But this also means that his propensity for introspection and openness is accentuated! He has to do the legwork on his own, for the most part, because that's where he is in the meantime.

But he still ends the campaign necessarily constricted; he is under significant scrutiny, he's at risk from the Assembly, and he goes on the run fairly soon after the story ends. He spends most of the final arc anxious and paranoid, which is valid given the crushing reality of his situation. It would be very easy to extrapolate that seven years into this reality, he would be insular, closed off, and suspicious of strangers, even in spite of the lessons he's learned from the Nein and their long term exposure.

So seeing his openness and lightness now is surprising, but at the same time, given this combination of factors in his position in the narrative over time and his defining traits, it's not by any means unreasonable.

But one thing that I found so delightful is how much trust he exhibits, which is obviously a wild thing to say about Essek in particular, given much of what he learns is both earning and offering trust, which was something he says explicitly in 2x124 that he's never really experienced: "I've never really been trusted and so I did not trust." It makes up much of the progression of his relationship with Caleb, and the trust that he is offered by the Nein in walking off the ship is the impetus he needs to grow.

But I think it's easy to talk about trust when it comes to people who have proven themselves to you or to whom you've ingratiated yourself, and that's really the most we can say about Essek by the time he leaves the Blooming Grove. There is this sense in a lot of discussion of trust (not solely in this fandom) that it is only related to either naivete or love, but there's far more to it. Trust at its best is deliberate—cultivating an openness to the world at large is a great way to combat cynicism and beget connection instead. It allows a person to maintain curiosity and be open to experience, but it can be incredibly difficult to hold onto.

It is clear that the Essek we meet now is a very pointedly and intentionally trusting individual. He trusts Caleb and by extension Caleb's trust in Keyleth, as he shows up and picks up a group of strangers from a foreign military encampment and walks in without issue. He trusts the Hells to follow his lead moving through Zadash and to exhibit enough discretion so as to avoid bringing suspicion upon all of them. He trusts that Astrid will respond well to his entrance, but he also trusts himself and the Hells enough to execute a back-up plan in the case that she doesn't. In the end, he even trusts them enough to give them his name and identity.

He doesn't scan as someone who has spent half a dozen years living like a prey animal, afraid of any shadow he runs across in an alley, withdrawn into himself and an insular family, which would've been an easy route for him to take. He scans as someone who has learned the kind of trust borne of learned confidence and a trained eye for good will and kindness, which are crucial weapons one would need for staving off cynicism in his circumstances—as if he has survived thanks more to connection and kindness than paranoia and isolation. (If we want to be saccharine about it, he scans quite poignantly as a member of the Mighty Nein.)

So it is easy to imagine this trust and openness as a natural progression of his initial search for perspectives external to his own cultural knowledge. Though he makes those first connections with the Assembly to try to vindicate his personal hypotheses, he finds in them exposure to the deepest corruption among Exandrian mortals, which could've—and did, for a time—turned him further down that same dark path.

But it's also this same openness to exposure from the wider world that allows the Nein to influence him for the better, and in spite of the challenges he's certainly faced simply surviving over the past seven years, he seems to have held onto this openness enough to move through the world with self-assurance and a willingness to extend the kinds of trust and good will that he has been shown.

(I would be remiss not to mention that I was reminded about my thoughts on this by this lovely post from sky-scribbles and their use in the tags of 'light' to describe Essek's demeanor this episode, which is really such an apt word for it.)

his stupid little expression HELP

I care far far more about the ship breakup of Beard/Jane than I do about any other ship getting together or staying together on this show, even my favorite ones...btw.

dropping this hhau mini rp snippet out of context and running—

(screenshot text:)

death loop. that's a phrase grian didn't think will ever again apply to them. because dying was meant to only happen once.

an electric current runs down his spine as the phrase bounces around in his head, with all its held-in possibilities. they can die over and over and over again. and they'd still be here. alive through it all.

grian pauses in his attack, pulls a little higher, supporting his weight with his arms braced by each side of scar's head as he looks down at him. (he just wants to see him.) grian's face is flushed, eyes bright, but his expression shifts, from unbridled joy to something more tamed. tentative and soft and incredibly, irresistibly hopeful.

"we're going to live," he says suddenly, with so much unprecedented clarity in his voice.

Let me write this before I lose my line of thought, (Again another RANT for the weak of heart)

but I think BH needs to lose something that matters to them, I'm talking true loss --- not like losing Bertrand or Eshteross which they mostly didn't care about, or like losing the skyship which they sacrificed willingly, or 'losing' their newfound friends/lovers to a research mission that should've ended at least a month ago.

I could add Laudna to the above list since everyone knew we'd get her back eventually, but at the very least it gave them drive (which gave us one of the coolest battles in the campaign which was worth nothing in the end, hey Delilah...)

But lose something that makes them ache, that shifts their dynamic into life and gives them purpose --- like losing Dorian! like fumbling the Paragon's Call infiltration and losing that battle in Bassuras with three party members down! like dropping a ship on a wizard's head and meaning very little! like 'losing' each other across a communication-less Exandria when you thought victory was within your grasp! like aaaalmost losing a friend to a million pieces for a decision he made!

There's so much stagnation in Bells Hells that it drives me insane, they're not the same people from the beginning but maybe apart from FCG and a little bit Orym and Imogen, most of them are still committing the same fallacies as they did in the beginning.

beaming everyone on the dashh with good brain day vibes!!! i hope that you all can remember to extend self-compassion to yourself whenever you're feeling down about something 💙

y'all ever see a post that unlocks some visceral memory or feeling and you start writing an entire novel about it in the tags and then you get to the end and it turns out you don't actually care about sharing it, you just needed a random tumblr post to write blindly into like a victorian diary

being homesick and changing as a person so much the place you grew up in isn't your home anymore is such a core part of ati and upon further inspection i think i was projecting a little

Sheri: A Powerpoint Intro

It is here! A tiny bit of background: Sheri is sort of a companion to Triad, in the sense that it shows some of what happened to the other ex-heir to the Navaren throne, but it takes place after it (by at least 3 months). Also maybe someday I'll come up with a better title for it.

Anyway please enjoy this introduction to fantasy disaster gays.

The wedding AU (which has a name maybe idk I'm between two) Can be summarized as "El is the only sibling with the braincell all weekend"

Hnnnng I want to have the energy to do one of the several projects I have on the docket for this weekend, but I currently have 0% energy and my body just wants to take Poorly Timed Naps

AHHHH you're back!! this makes me so happy because i loved coming across your breakdown of her trailer and then sad when seeing you had left. i just really love kafka and i loved reading your opinions on her! so i've been meaning to ask you about something that i hope you don't mind! but what do you think about her path being nihility? i was reading into ix and found that they are tied or represented by laziness, meaningless behavior, and was kinda surprised. do you think that ties in with her? hope you don't mind this! have an awesome weekend!!

Smiling from ear to ear?! // Unprompted asks.

Oh my goodness, this is literally one of the most heartwarming things to receive (and in my case, I got to wake up to it) and so I'm really, genuinely smiling from ear to ear over here. This is one of my favorite things, and it's been years. I'm thrilled that the little meta about her trailer found its way into her tag, because I've enjoyed feedback, even if it's criticism. I live for people trying to poke holes in my logic (to see if it stays upright, as I endeavor to be as canon-strict as possible), or to simply add to it. But I'll also say that I'm the first to plead guilty to praise, who does it not improve the mood of significantly, honestly? But truly, I'm honored that you found details in it that piqued your interest, resonated with you, or even had you look into her with a bit of a specific eye; that's why I do it. And also, character analysis is part of the joy of writing for me, after all! So thank you for this, and choosing to come to me with this, my gratitude is endless! As for your question, forgive me, because I need to give a little bit of background (or scroll down to find my bit about Kafka, I'm just in a rambling mood lately):

Sad as I am to admit it the paths in HSR are not quite as high in lore accuracy as for example, Genshin Impact's visions, are. Where visions are directly tied to a character's ambitions, drive(s) and/or passions and are thus heavily tied to their personalities and actions; paths are a little less simple, as there seems to have much more of a gameplay (the 'type' of RPG role, things like DPS, debuffer, healer, and so forth) tied to them, that counters lore to a degree. Keep reading though, as I have opinions! A good example of this for starters is Jing Yuan, he was given the path of the Hunt (and from the wiki: "Those who follow the "Hunt" Path admire determination, ruthlessness, and tenacious behavior") but his gameplay fits into Erudition's gameplay role perfectly (which is explained as follows on the same page: "Deals remarkable amounts of multi-target damage. The main damage dealer against groups of enemies") though I would also argue that his personality seems to befit Erudition much more as well (again, as per the same page: "Those who follow the "Erudition" Path admire thinking, logic, and strategic behavior"), though I don't write him, so I do not proclaim to be an expert by any means. But in essence, the difficult part becomes the fact that there can be a mismatch between a character's lore and their gameplay, which will often account for a bit of a discrepancy. I also believe some characters have been tied to a specific path, but it seems more likely from a lore standpoint, that they would be part of another but it is still unplayable. So yes, MiHoyo has made this a little complicated, for it doesn't seem common that lore and gameplay overlap one another in terms of paths.

However, I'm not someone who likes to just write off the concept of 'for gameplay purposes' too easy, I'll over-analyze before I simply dismiss anything. Now it's worthy to note that I've been away from HSR for quite some months now, and am not caught up with the story, so take what I say with a grain of salt, and anyone's always free to add to this, or help elaborate!

I wonder how the narrative paths (can?) influence each other. To keep up with Jing Yuan as an example, does he pray to Lan so that he keeps these 'Lightning Lord' powers that he has? To what extent do you need to follow a path to gain any of the powers tied to it? Do you simply take its tenets and 'hold them in your heart', do you progress your faith and live out its virtues in any capacity? Does this then vary from person to person, is it different across each path, because it depends on the temperment of the Aeon tied to it? Or does it go beyond that, and there is inherently a tie to its beliefs that stems from your heart or belief? If we're speaking of how human beings work and their nuances, nothing states that you couldn't 'pledge' yourself to one path, while still adhering to virtues and tenets of another, they simply wouldn't overshadow the former. Yep, it's complicated.

As for Kafka and Nihility/IX. Yes! I do think it ties in with her perfectly. See, while IX's description ("Those who follow the "Nihility" Path admire laziness, exhaustion, and meaningless behavior") is very clear in its message, we need to keep in mind that there are actually primarily two approaches to the concept of Nihilism as a whole. One is simply admitting defeat and falling into the belief system where one believes, just like IX, that all existence is meaningless and so there's no value in life to speak of, so why live? But then if you look into the factions tied to Nihility, you can see the Doctors of Chaos and their caption says the following: "Ponderers who inadvertently encountered the Nihility. They attempt to resist the destiny of Nihility, and try to prove to the Aeon of Nihility the meaning behind the existence of all things." And this matches with what you read when you first meet IX in the Simulated Universe, where you're presented with two options to proceed:

1: You can hate that life has no meaning, turning inwards, sink into gloom and eventually become a Self-Annihilator of sorts, which is kind of, basically, the equivalent of the antimatter legion for IX. 2. You create your own meaning in life. IX presents a belief that there is no meaning, but that does not mean that you inherently need to believe the same thing, and so you find your own significance and value in life. And this seems to be paramount to all of the characters that follow Nihility to one degree or another, including Kafka. For starters, let me remind you of some lines from her SQ to prove it:

Trailblazer: Are you sure you don't follow the Aeon of Nihility? Kafka: Do I sound that negative? No. We believe that existence has meaning, but that meaning is bestowed by ourselves, not by choices.

Kafka's entire involvement in the Stellaron Hunters originates from the fact that she seeks to feel what she's never felt: fear. And this is something that, arguably, makes people value life more than anything: knowing that it's precious, fragile and fleeting. Kafka makes an immeasurable amount of references to choice (and is surprised when it indeed counters 'fate'), and then also vulnerability, which is so tightly tied to the concept of something being able to be lost (something as seemingly trivial as the coats that she collects). You don't need fear to understand the concept of importance, or value, but it inherently strengthens it. But if you wanted a stronger motivation behind it: look at how ardently she follows Elio's script, and it's because he promised her that in the future he chose, she would have what she seeks. Is that not passion within itself? Is fighting and being part of something entirely blindly, not inherently the strongest evidence of craving, a longing for something? And is that not vehemently human? Is that not... the meaning of life itself?

popping on my Complaining Platform to complain about how i have less than 100 euros on my account atm, how my uni and work suck, and how, while i'm trying to get myself into a better situation, it all seems kinda sucky now and it's hard to imagine it working. i feel so blergh ughhhh, and i have no time to feel blergh bc i have to fucking WORK. and people tell me not to work so much, thinking i'm some sort of a workaholic that wants to be productive for the sake of productivity, uwu self-care, but i do not, in fact, work so much to satisfy some imaginary productivity gods, but to get myself out of this misery. i'm responsible for myself and my happiness, and the only thing i figured might work is to like. work hard so i elevate my skillset and get more money in order to get out of here. yes yes i realise you cannot work if you're falling apart, but then i take a short break and i can push again so uhhhh hope i manage pray for me lol (also i am very much not above begging for money, so if anyone can spare a dime for my education thing, my ko-fi is my bio!)

the weather is gorgeous, velma is gay, overwatch 2 releases this afternoon... happy fall to me 👻🍁🍂🎃