holy shittt i wish my therapist didn't quit and i didn't have so many issues

Next month I'm taking a new job. And I'm a bit anxious but also a bit excited about that.

Scrap that, I'm very anxious.

The problem is it is quite far from where I currently live so I will be at my parents house during the week. And there are reasons why I left that house. It's nothing big or all that bad. But I just feel so much more able to deal with stuff and stable and at peace living on my own.

At my parents I never know when people will start fighting. I never know when my mom is in a bad mood and decides to complain about any and everything for two hours straight. I never know when people start talking food and weight and make me eat with them (it's super stressful. I'm not even struggling with food all that hard but I don't like the food they eat and I don't like the times at which they eat. It disrupts my flow.) And I never know how the house will look when I get home. I never know when which laundry can be done (because if I even touch that all hell will break loose and I cannot ever wash something orange and something green in the same wash). And I never know when it will be quiet or loud. And I cannot refill my water bottle or go to the bathroom at night or my dad will complain that I woke him up all of next day. And I will get misgendered in the comfort of my own space and that's on me for not telling them but I really don't have the strength for that conversation right now. And I am not even able to lock my door or the bathroom door because my parents once threw away all keys and never got new ones.

And like... I can handle this for approximately two weeks during holidays. But when I am already stressed because of work... And also for five days a week for three months... This is way too likely to end in meltdown and in some relapses.

No wonder I am anxious as fuck these days.

I also have decided to give up on getting into my master's program next year because I had like a major depressive episode during the application timeframe. And I also don't want uni anymore. But I can't imagine working full-time either. And I'm planning internships now. But they pay basically nothing and will be super stressful. And I have only gotten accepted for one of them so far. Which means I don't have a solid founded and sealed plan for the year yet. And I am so fucking scared of failing spectacularly.

This is probably also contributing to my anxiety.

And then I have a bunch of other self doubt on top of this that came seemingly out of nowhere. Like I hate my body, my face, my social skills, my painting, my writing, my dancing, my baking, the way I treat other people, all my dependencies, my insecurities, my uncreative brain, my style... There is nothing I like about myself right now to be honest. And I don't know why. I was fine?

I'm so exhausted and scared already and we are barely in week 3 of this year. Have mercy on me please. I just want to be ok. I just really wish someone could love me gently. I just really wish that someone could be me.