Okay, so, I have recently been thinking about axes and their importance in Nord culture in Skyrim, in part because I have something planned in a fanfiction that involves giving an axe and have been doing a little bit of research into it, and I have gone down a bit of a rabbit hole so please bear with me on this mini essay in which I have pulled together my thoughts/observations about axes in Skyrim and my two favourite Jarls, Balgruuf and Ulfric.

So, as anyone who has done the Civil War quests in Skyrim would know, there is a pivotal point in which the balance of power in Skyrim shifts either towards the Empire or the Stormcloaks based purely upon the player's alignment - when Whiterun either aligns with the Imperials or is taken by force by the Stormcloaks. Of course, there is one particular event which happens immediately before the battle begins, and that is the delivery of an axe.

However, at this point I would just like to bring up something which will become relevant later no matter what your alignment - at the point of the axe being sent, you have been named a Thane of Whiterun. Balgruuf won't hear anything to do with the Civil War when a dragon is attacking the Western Watchtower, so becoming both Dragonborn and a Thane is a prerequisite to the Civil War.

If you align with the Empire, it is Balgruuf who decides to send an axe. If you ask why, he gives the explanation that "if he returns it to you it means we have business to settle. If he keeps it, then we are at peace.", and if you ask whether you should say anything, he says that Ulfric knows what it means (also important for later!). The other dialogue option which isn't just 'sure, okay, I'll do that' also says that it is tradition, and that Ulfric honours traditions.

Obviously, Ulfric doesn't accept it and you return to Balgruuf with the news that he will be attacking Whiterun and suddenly, the city is under siege. When you win, Balgruuf personally thanks you for what you have done after his victory speech.

Now, on the other side of things, if you side with the Stormcloaks, it is Ulfric who gives you the axe to take to Balgruuf, but his explanation is much more... succinct. "If he keeps it, I will bide my time. If he returns it to you, it means war."

And as with the other side, because the game would be pretty boring is Balgruuf was to go "sure, I accept Ulfric's axe", he rejects the axe and that in turn means that you return to Ulfric with his axe, and he expresses his disappointment that Balgruuf had done so.

The two Jarls wanted the other on their side, but their views were fundamentally different they couldn't accept. 😭Sending their axes was just a formality, a way of saying 'this is it, we have to fight now'.

So what I am basically getting at, the civil war quest establishes that giving an axe is a way of determining allies and enemies, depending on whether it is accepted or rejected.

Coming back to what I mentioned earlier, in order to do the civil war quest and to talk to Balgruuf in order to either give him Ulfric's axe or to give his axe to Ulfric, you have to have become the Dragonborn and are a Thane of Whiterun. When you become a Thane in Skyrim, you end up receiving a weapon as a reward, typically named 'Blade of *insert hold name here*'. Except in two places.

Whiterun, and Eastmarch. In those places, you get either the Axe of Whiterun or the Axe of Eastmarch.

If I remember correctly, the blade weapons are randomly generated so have the potential to be axes, but these two are specifically named to be and are axes.

What else is in common with Whiterun and Eastmarch?

Their Jarls (Balgruuf and Ulfric) are the only two people in Skyrim who actively partake in and have knowledge of the tradition of the sending of axes.

When you become a Thane of these two holds, you are not just becoming a Thane, you are becoming a trusted ally of the Jarl, somebody who they can rely upon. Even more so with Ulfric, because you can only become a Thane of Eastmarch with Ulfric as Jarl if you are Stormcloak aligned.

Speaking of being Stormcloak aligned, how about a diversion back to the Civil War, specifically when the battle for Whiterun has reached its penultimate stages, Balgruuf has been defeated and has surrendered control of Whiterun. After an argument with Vignar (and I'll get into him later because he makes my blood boil), Balgruuf turns to you and says a line which absolutely breaks my heart - "And you. A Stormcloak? I'd thought better of you." 😭

Balgruuf thought you his ally, he had given you his axe, and you have just gone and stabbed him in the back (figuratively, and quite possibly literally depending on character build). As I said, it breaks my heart when he says that line.

Basically, what I am getting at, is that the depth of such a simple tradition in Skyrim is immense and I wish that there were more things like it (beyond the duel to the death for the throne thing, looking at you Ulfric) or saw it used more in the game. And that Balgruuf and Ulfric are by far the best Jarls in terms of character development and just how much their homeland and traditions mean to them. And I wish that there was a way to keep Balgruuf as Jarl even if you are Stormcloak aligned because fuck Vignar, and you know what? Fuck Maven Black-Briar too, she sucks. Laila is pretty incompetent as Jarl but at least she isn't Maven and that's a rant for another time. But not having Maven as Jarl is main reason I join the Stormcloaks more often than not. Balgruuf is usually the main reason that I join the Imperials on playthroughs.

Now... Vignar Gray-Mane. When you make him Jarl of Whiterun and he names you Thane, he gives you the Blade of Whiterun, not the Axe of Whiterun (yeah, I know I said that I think the blade weapons can be randomly generated as axes, and no doubt it was given to stop you from having multiple axes of Whiterun, but I just don't like Vignar soooo....). That's mean. Especially after we protected the city and helped him become Jarl too. There's another layer of insult there if you've rescued Thorald, his nephew, from the Thalmor. At least Brunwulf Free-Winter gives you the Axe of Eastmarch when he is Jarl if you defeat Ulfric for the Imperials and complete that shitshow of a quest 'Blood on the Ice'. Brunwulf is a bro, not Vignar. Hmph.

quarantine time!!

tagged by @theyoungflexer as you all know! LOL thank you again chelle ^^

rules: answer these questions and tag 5 mutuals

1. Flowers or chocolates? chocolates! i like food LOL 

2. Between day and night I prefer: night (i accidentally became a night owl like two years ago and now... well...)

3. My favorite drink: boba hehehehe but i really like tea in general too! 

4. Between sunrise and sunset I prefer: sunsets

5. Between dogs and cats I prefer: oooooof hard question but imma go with cats. a cat lived in my flat last year at school and i miss him deeply T___T 

6. The vegetable i hate the most: idk brussel sprouts? i had a friend keep trying to convince me they’re good and each time just 🤮🤮

7. My favorite sound: uhhhhhhhh i’m blanking LMAO i kinda like how it sounds when it’s raining? but like only when i’m inside AHAHA 

8. The first thing I notice about people: their smile? idk LOL 

9. Would you prefer horror or fantasy? fantasy. i read too much ya fantasy for my own good (i say as if i actually read much anymore) also i’m a scaredy cat and cannot handle horror for my LIFE

10. I’d want to be stuck in a lift with: oh uh idk shownu? he’s such a generally calm person that it would (hopefully) balance out me panicking like crazy. plus it seems like he’ll actually figure out a way to get us out LOL 

11. What city or town you’d like to live in? i want to live in seoul one day (that sounds so kboo of me oh my god) but like not permanently i dont think. it just seems like it’d be a pretty fun experience. i would also love to live in oxford! i was studying there for a summer and it was just SO beautiful and i loved the town so much and AGH definitely want to go back

12. What I value most in life: love, peace and happiness? LMAO THAT SOUNDS SO CHEESY but i just want a peaceful, secure life surrounded with love and what makes me happy and i also want that for my loved ones too. basically i just want there to be good in the world 

13. If I could learn any skill, it’d be: cooking.... i literally can’t cook and that’s something i definitely need to learn at some point

14. Between the beach and the mountains, I prefer: beach but mostly bc i’m afraid of heights and have no stamina to hike LOL aesthetically tho? mountain!  i lived in near perfect view of mt. rainier back at college and i MISS HER SO MUCH

15. I’d love to get married in: i’d like to get married period LOL. but no specific place i have in mind tho? 

16. My hidden talent: ......i have no idea if i even have one?? nothing’s coming to mind so....

17. If I could bring anyone back to life, I’d bring back: jonghyun ;;

18. Why? i just... miss him ;; i want to be able to tell him he did really well and that many people love and miss him. i’m sure he’s in a better place now but i also just want to show him the amount of love he still has even tho he’s gone

19. Rainy or sunny day? SUNNY PLEASE. i have had enough rainy days living in washington to last my lifetime

20. Who’s the real model of your life? i’m assuming this means role model. in which case, honestly speaking, jun of ukiss. he’s super talented (QUADRUPLE THREAT) and capable and works super hard but is such a down-to-earth, humble guy who easily makes friends and loves deeply (nobody is a bigger ukiss fanboy than jun ;;) and i just admire the amount of dedication and passion he has

21. How I relax after a hard day: melting into the couch and staring into space LMAO i’m only half kidding. i also like to watch stupid youtube videos that makes me laugh and like not think

22. I like the way I look: ehhhhhhh.... i’m not exactly confident but i also don’t hate myself either

23. My most favorite facial features of myself is: ............... :) i don’t have an answer to that

24. My most favorite part of my body is: i have nice fingers hehe they’re long and pretty and i’ve gotten quite the few compliments on them so yeah 

25. If I could change anything about my body: MY OILY FACE

26. If yes, what’s it: I’VE HAD A BREAKOUT ON MY CHEEKS SINCE LIKE APRIL AND IT HASN’T CLEARED UP AND I’M ANGRY!!!!!!!!! PEOPLE LIKE JOOHEON WHO ARE BORN WITH NEAR PERFECT SKIN MAKE ME ANGRY!!!!! I WANT THAT FOR ME WHY IS IT SO HARD!!!!!!!

27. If I could change something from my past: i can’t tell? i mean as much as i regret some decisions in the past, i’m fine with where i am now, so i don’t think i would change anything drastic. superficially tho, i wish i could’ve gone to a bap or the rose concert at least once bc i MISS THEM AND I HAD MULTIPLE OPPORTUNITIES TO GO SEE THEM AND I DIDN’T TAKE THEM!!! WHICH WAS DUMB WHY DID I DO THAT

28. How many piercings I have: none LOL

29. I like makeup? no

30. I wear make up everyday: definitely no

31.My skin type is: def oily (see #25)

32. My skin tone: idk how to describe? i do know i got REALLY pale after i started going to college bc i got barely any sun exposure LMAO

33. My hair color: black and leftover red/auburn(?) from my dye job back in january

34. My height: 5′4″

35. My age: 20... BUT I’M TURNING 21 NEXT WEEK AHHHHHHH

36. My birthday: august 21 :) 

37. My best friend: if you’re reading this melissa, it’s definitely not you >:( i’m kidding LOL i have several best friends and now that i’m listing it out in my head i’m like oh i have at least five if not a few more... idk what that says about me. i’m a loving person alright?

38. I have a pet or more: not anymore :(( warrior fish i miss you T_T

39. If I don’t, I’d like to adopt: no. imma be honest i suck at taking care of pets and i cannot handle the responsibility of another living being so even if i want a pet, i really know i shouldn’t get one

40. Video games or social media: social media 

41. I’ve visited outside my country: yep. i have a major case of wanderlust 

42. I’ve an innocent/dirty mind: depends? i have a dirtier mind than some of my friends but also sometimes dirty things just fly over my head and i’m left blinking innocently at the situation like wut o-o

43. Someone proposed me or asked me out?  LMAO NO. i’ve been single since birth. i got asked to formal once but like.... it was the world’s lamest/dumbest asking and i didn’t end up going bc it was super last minute lmao

44. If yes, then I liked it and accepted or the opposite: read above

45. Do you follow some celebrities’ fashion: no? i have bought like a thing or two bc i thought a celebrity wearing it was cool but i never deliberately followed somebody’s fashion

46. What do you think about your fashion sense: plain, comfy, really generic LOL

47. You found someone copying your fashion: lmao my fashion sense is too generic for anybody to copy/want to follow so nice try

48. Can you do your makeup properly: uhhhhhhhhhh like the very very very basics: foundation, concealer, blush, eyeshadow. that’s about it

49. You go or used to go with makeup to school: still a no

50. What color suits you best? i wear a lot of gray, black, blue, green, turquoise/teal and purple LOL also a lot of stripes. but i think army green suits me best

51. Finally, how is quarantine going? ehhhhhhh about as good as it can go. 

not tagging anyone again but feel free to do this if you want!

Survey #235

“the monster you made is wearing the crown; i’ll be the king and you be the clown.”

What is your favorite move franchise? The Lion King. What was the last fast food you ate? I had a hot dog from Sonic and one of those pretzel twists things. What is the saddest book you’ve ever read? Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo. Do you prefer heroes or villains? Villains. Duh. They're like, always more interesting. What is something you think is overrated? Uhhh coffee, for one. But like what you like. What political cause are you most passionate about? Gay rights. What country would you most like to visit? South Africa. Have you ever considered having children? Literally the only period where I wanted kids was later into Jason's and my relationship. Hell, I wanted three while he was always like "onLY TWO." Now, I don't want a single one, ever. I would be an awful mother for many reasons. If you ever took field trips as a child, which was your favorite? The zoo with Dad, my then-best friend, and her mom. One and only time I've seen meerkats. I was so excited I almost cried. Do you have any weird family traditions? It's not like, a tradition, I think, but we have a unique thing where saying "I love you mostest period" is something Mom, Dad, and my sisters have used for all my life. It's a way of saying "I love you more than you could ever love me, no arguments." Now Sara's been dragged into it lmao. Have you ever considered acting? Nope. Who was the last person you slept next to? Sara. Do you think you can be in love and still cheat on your S.O.? You can't "be in love" with a person and fucking cheat on them, no. Do you subscribe to any streaming services? We have Netflix. Idk about anything else. Have you ever been in a physical fight? No. What is the most embarrassing thing anyone has on video of you? I don't even wanna know. Did you ever get lost as a child? Yep, in a Wal-Mart lmao. This old lady helped me find my fam. What is your favorite condiment? Honey mustard. Or ketchup. Depends. Have you ever had an existential crisis? Very surprisingly, not really. Do you like country music? Begone, demon. It's still so weird to me that I loved it as a kid, but I really just grew up with it. What color are the eyes of the person you love? Brown. What is your favorite kind of flower? I looooove orchids. What town were you born in? Not the best thing to share on the Internet, eh? Do you know how to play any card games? I only vaguely understood/understand Magic: The Gathering. It's honestly really fun, but very complex in rules. It was Jason's thing so he got me into it. I miss my PS3 working because I used to have the "Duels of the Planeswalkers" on there, and doing it digitally is much easier and helpful. I loved it mostly because the art is fucking incredible. It was an old little aspiration to wind up designing the art some day and I don't think I ever saw Jason more excited. What is something about your childhood that you miss? Being more into video games than I am now alskdjf;awe. I'm more of a viewer of let's plays now than an active gamer; meanwhile, as a kid, video games were my favorite things in the world. Did you ever have MySpace? Do you miss those days? Yeah, I had one. Honestly though I can barely remember it (other than the song on my page was "Pocketful of Sunshime" lmaooooo as well meerkat-flooded), so it doesn't matter. What is the best television show you’ve ever watched? Meerkat Manor is my favorite show of all time, but as a proper show could have been better. AP made up their own shit and deviated from the KMP facts A LOT (guess what: Mozart killed a competitor's litter before; not exactly MM's her, right?), and not only was that confusing, but just annoying. Give me the real shit; don't just tweak stuff for dramatic effect. I could list a novel of lies in the series. Now, what I feel is the best show without a meerkat bias and just has an overall good plot. I kinda wanna say Supernatural, but the boys dying five million times got old. Possibly Fullmetal Alchemist. Are there any songs you can’t listen to because they bring back memories? I 110% refuse to hear "Stairway to Heaven." Have you ever saved someone’s life? Funny this is brought up after recent events. My sweetheart online bud had a cerebral aneurysm while having an extremely difficult time talking to me, and no one was home quite yet. Her final message was concerning and she didn't reply to me for a while, so I wound up messaging her again after a bit, and her boyfriend heard the b.net notification sound. Saw it was me and asked what was up. Told him, and he figured out she wasn't sleeping on the couch, she was passed out. He told me he never would have known if I hadn't said something. So does that count, even though I didn't like, physically save her? Have you ever broken any major bones? No. Are there any websites you’ve used for over 10 years? Good question? Idk. WAIT HOLD THE FUCK UP, KM's 10th birthday is coming up real soon. Wow. I know YouTube has been much longer. Idr when I joined deviantART. Maybe there's more, I dunno. Do you have any siblings? If so, what are their ages? My two immediate are 22 (ew) and 26 (double ew). Anything exciting taking place today? No, today was A N X I E T Y !! ! ! !! !! What are you craving? Okay so I have been MEGA in "the mood" lately and it's frustrating especially because I don't masturbate so I have like nO OUTLET. Who did you last hit? Nobody saving for when I was a kid repeatedly slapped my sister's arm for doing something I don't remember. How do you do in school? It depends on the subject, but in anything, I am a MASSIVE procrastinator, and I need to fix that. Schoolwork, good good, homework in the library, good good, but when I'm at home, I cannot seem to convince myself to work. As Sara puts it, home is like my "safe" place, and I don't want to bring school into it. Adjusting to school life again after like... two whole years or so of doing NOTHING at all, almost every day all day, is very difficult. I'm SO glad I picked school again, it's just a lot for a person who was so isolated and void of responsibilities to get used to. What’s your biggest goal? Right now, continue to improve my mental health. Fight social anxiety and AvPD. Who have you texted today? Just Sara. Who do you aspire to be like when you grow up? In most ways, especially in kindness, wisdom, relentless determination, passion, creativity, etc. etc. etc. etc., Mark. I think it's obvious he's Role-Model #1. I would loooove to be like Jane Goddall and Steve Irwin, too, feeling with such ferocious potency for animals and how they should be respected and loved. UM AND ALSO, EUGENIA COONEY IS THE SWEETEST PERSON ON THE ENTIRE GODDAMN EARTH AND I WOULD LOVE TO BE AS FRIENDLY AND PRECIOUS AS SHE IS. Oh, and then there's Shane Dawson. I relate to him SO much. He is the most selfless angel that seems SO down-to-earth and relatable as hell. I feel like he could be like, my best friend. Ahhhhhhh there are so many more, I love talking about my inspirations, but I'll chill here. Do you know if you want to go to college or not? I'm in college right now, and I desperately want it to stay that way. I'm fucking going somewhere in my life, and the education it provides will bring me closer to that. College is far from mandatory for everyone, but I feel it is beneficial for me. Do you like grapefruits? I haven't had one in a LONG time, so I don't really remember how they taste. I just know sour. What do you think of guys who wear eyeliner? *drools in Darkiplier* the fuck do you think Do you like online games? Only World of Warcraft, really. Who’s one person you care about more than yourself? Okay, real talk, and I hope this is everybody's answer. No one. I'm putting my goddamn self and my mental peace first for the rest of my life. Are there any pets you’re wishing for? I want another ball python. When’s the last time you used hand sanitizer? Two days ago when Mom and I stopped somewhere to eat. Wearing anything that isn’t yours? No. What type of bread did you use on the last sandwich you made? White. How many doors are in your house? Uhhh six. What was the last compliment you received, that made you smile? Sara said she was really proud of me, and to me, that's one of the biggest compliments you CAN give me. Think you need to lose weight? How much? ugh When was the last time you watched a VHS movie? I don't have a clue. We kept our VHS longer than most, though. We had too many movies on it. What event would you go back in time to see, if you could? Ummmm I dunno. Do you remember the last thing you said you wanted? To hug Sara. Who was the last friend you hung out with&what’d you do together? Sara stayed for a week. We did a lot. Who is the person, other than a spouse, that you are closest to? Sara. If you watched it, who was your favorite Hey Arnold! character? Oh my god, I hated that stupid show, but one of my sisters liked it. Have any good school pictures? or do they all just suck? There is literally ONE picture from elementary school where I think I looked pretty. Do you like trying on clothes or not? & Why? NO. I try to avoid it if I can. It's just annoying to change clothes for like five seconds. What are your thoughts on marriage? It's sweet, but I've come to find it... kinda needless for the most part? Like I know it has financial pluses and the symbolism is beautiful, but it's just that: symbolism originating from fantasies (imo, don't scream at me). It only adds pressure to stay in a dying relationship and makes splitting much more complicated. BUT, even with all that said, I personally want to get married someday, but only if I am *sure* about this person. It's the symbolism I like. That and it's so ingrained into my head that that's the "end goal" of relationships, so I'm pretty much just conditioned to want it. How long have you lived in the current place you’re living? Two years. Do you plan on moving anytime soon, if so where? I want to, but I am not in the financial position or at a level of independence where I'm ready for that. Are you more of a follower, or a leader? Be honest. This may alter with the situation, but mostly, I'm definitely a follower. Are your dreams/nightmares in black&white or color? I've heard of this condition before and it really intrigues me. I dream in color. Have you ever wanted to be some sort of hero outside of video games? I mean, define "hero." Like an action superhero in a literal way, nooooo. I'd die on Day #1, lmao. As a hero/inspiration as a person, of course; who doesn't? Will you admit that you’re at least somewhat superficial? I mean, probably in some places? How often do you go to the mall closest to you? Almost never ever. Our mall sucks and has experienced too many shootings. Do you still count with your fingers, even if only every so often? Yep. Like, always. Have you ever gone on a road trip with just friends? No. Well, I went to the beach with my friend and her mom, but just for a day or two because my separation anxiety from Mom got too bad oof. Without trying, do you act differently around different friends? Depends on the friend. I don't "fake it," just how reserved I am can move around. What was the last thing you drew/wrote on your own or someone else's skin? Probably a butterfly on my wrists when I was actively part of the Butterfly Project community. The last time you spent money, what was it on & how much did you spend? $1.25 for a drink at school. What’s the most money you’ve ever spent on one piece of clothing? Idk, but definitely not a lot. In elementary school, were you more of the bully or the bullied? Thankfully, neither. Do you like when a spouse is clingy, or can you not stand that? I'm sure to a certain degree it would be annoying, but for the most part, hell, I think it's attractive. Especially since I NEED validation you like me. How much do you say you walk in a week outside of school &/or work? Just around my house if you exclude school. Is there anything you wish your parents did differently in raising you? I wish they'd given us chores. Wish Mom didn't spank us. What would you do if the last person you texted asked you out? Lol yo we JUST broke up like an hour ago. We're not ready to get back together yet, obviously. Don't worry a bit, we're both cool. Still best friends, even. To compress a long story, needed personal growth and distance have brought us to returning to just friends. For now, at least. Have you ever received a scholarship? I think so... but not like a huge one, I believe. Who was the last person who got frustrated with you? Most likely Mom. When was the last time you mopped your kitchen floor? I myself have never mopped it. Or maybe once. What is your favorite work of art? I mentioned the Denialism painting in my last survey. What was the last appointment or plan you had to cancel? Plan, my next one with my psychiatrist. What spur-of-the-moment decision that you’ve made has had the biggest impact on your life? I don't know if any have truly changed my life. The ones that did (that I remember) were pondered over. Do you know anyone who is (or has been) a refugee? I don't think so, What is your best friend’s worst habit? She doesn't have faith in herself for ANYTHING lj;ljalwie Do you like spinach and artichoke dip? alksd;fjwei no Have you ever felt like you were about to pass out, but didn’t? Yep, a couple times. What was the name of one of your childhood imaginary friends? I didn't have any. What’s your favorite phase of the moon? Full. Do you wish you were richer? I physically refuse to be anything less than stable, hopefully even above that, once I'm independent. We've been poor all my life and it is fuck-ing HARD. It's stressful as a motherfucker and I am done with it. Very. What’s a middle name you like? Quinn. Fits a lot. I planned on giving that middle name to my hypothetical daughter. Are you scared of spiders? y e a h Do you weigh the same as your mom? No. Were you a Mary-Kate and Ashley fan? Like the average 90s/early 2000s kid. Coffee mugs, teacups, or water bottles? Uh, aesthetically? Teacups, probably. Bubblegum or cotton candy? Gum. I like the taste and texture of cotton candy, it is just RIDICULOUSLY sweet. It bothers my sensitive teeth sometimes. Do you prefer to drink soda from cans, bottles or cups? Cans. They get the coldest. Game you were best at in P.E./gym? Idk, I didn't excel at any. What do you have for breakfast on an average day? I'll typically just have a meal replacement shake or a Pop-Tart. Favorite non-chocolate candy? Sour Punch Straws (gotta be red). Favorite book you had to read for school? The Outsiders. Most frequently worn pair of shoes? My flip-flops, 'cuz they're easy to just slip on. Ideal weather? Cool but not windy (a light breeze is fine) with a partly-cloudy sky. Obsession from childhood? Webkinz. Favorite crystal? Dragon's breath opal. Favorite activity to do in warm weather? Swim or stay the fuck inside. Favorite activity to do in cold weather? Taking pictures in the snow. Five songs to describe you? "Get Up" by Mother Mother, "That's What You Get" by Paramore, uhhh... I don't feel like thinking over this any longer. My iPod isn't near me to scan through what I have, so yeah. Best way for someone to bond with you? Let's have deep philosophical talks about like the meaning of life 'n shit. Top 5 favorite Vines? Oh my god, this is impossible. To name some that come to mind first, in no order: "It's Wednesday, m'dudes *insert mating call*", "I cOUld'vE dROPPED My croiSSANt," "this is why mom doesn't FUCKING LOVE YOU," that one at a club where a girl is doing smoke tricks and the dude just goes "check that out" (or "wow," idr) or something similar (I couldn't find it), and omfg I adore that Snoop Dogg one with the little boy just semi-dancing to that iconic song???? I LOVE IT??????? Man, there are so so many more. Very honorable mention: "a d a m". Ads you have stuck in your head? None, thankfully. What is the first meme you remember seeing? Uhhh maybe Happy Bunny? Idk. Sci-fi, fantasy, or superheroes? Fantasy. Favorite type of cheese? American. What saying or quote do you live by? There's a lot I've picked up on and cling to. #1 is perhaps "Deal with life, or life deals with you." What are you currently stressed about? Some... things I realized about myself that disgust me. Favorite fairy tale? Shrek is a goddamn fairy tale and I will fight to the death against anyone who claims otherwise. Favorite tradition? I don't really have one anymore, but I remember as a kid, I would NEVER let Mom forget to throw some "reindeer food" outside for them lol. Talent you’re proud of having? One that warrants pride, exactly? Not just random talents? Well, uhhh. I suppose writing. I mean it modestly, I really do, but as a kid, my teachers all the way through high school always thought I was cheating or a parent did my papers at home. Some were only convinced by me writing in the classroom. I don't feel as good about my writing as I did in high school, but I am sill proud of excelling in it and taking writing anywhere seriously. If you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be? I mean, name the game and genre here. Probably like "what the fuck" at like, everything, because I already do that. If you were an anime character, what genre of anime would it be? Like, based on my current life? I dunno. A sad and repetitive one with some bright days to it. Ohhh, and the color scheme and lighting vary with my mental state. Yo that would be dope. Character you relate to? lmao THRALL from WoW for being like "can y'all bastards just chill tf out" until he goes off to an isolated land away from civilization bc he's seen enough shit. Also compelled to help. Any good luck charms? I don't believe in those. Least favorite flavor of food or drink? As far as consistent flavors go, normally cherry or grape. Left or right handed? I'm a righty. Favorite potato food? Fries, when I wish they weren't. Earth tones or jewel tones? Jewel. How many phone numbers do you have memorized? Literally just Mom's. Not even mine.

Fate/Zero 1 - 25 (FINAL)

Most of these notes stayed intact during Fate/Stay Winter posts, but I’m releasing them in an unedited version here (aside from the dotpoints and read more, of course).

Fate/Zero 1

For some reason, I have it recorded that I’ve watched F/Z ep. 1, but I don’t remember it!  I only remember Saber fighting someone…that’s why I have notes for this ep too.

Ewwwwwww…what’s that in the Macedonian box…?

Oh! Heaven’s Feel is the name of one of the movies that came out this year or last.

LOL, the grandparents of Waver literally refer to him as “Waver”. I thought it was a title. Is it really his name???

I’m very good at making connections between seemingly disconnected things using only the things I know. I predict Kariya’s in for a verrrrrrrry bad time and will probably die in this Grail War, if not go bananas. I already know Rin, Ilya (the Einzbern child) and Sakura are already part of the Fate/ canon, so they’re probably going to fight in a Grail War as well.

Ahhhhhhh! B*stard Archer (that is, Gilgamesh)! He’s hereeeeeeeee!

What’s that counter on the ep title card…? Is it the time until the Grail War…?

Fate/Zero 2

I’ve seen enough spoilers being bandied about that I already know Rider is Alexander the Great.

Like, seriously, why do we call the dude “Waver Velvet”? What’s his real name?

Kiritsugu acts as Ilya’s dad, but…I’m pretty sure he isn’t her dad. Kiritsugu’s surname is Emiya, right? He’s Shirou’s dad, as far as I know. Then again, I only know what I know from being around Fate/ fans for so long.

LOL, there are far too many dragons in this name – Ryuunosuke Uryuu.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! Is this Giant B*stard Archer???? Is this Giant B*stard Archer??? (i.e. Gilgamesh) Oooooooooh! No wonder people like Gilgamesh, even though they call him a giant loveable b*stard.

Fate/Zero 3

Thy don’t call Rider that for nothin’, eh?

I wonder how Saber managed to get a passport…? She’d need one, eh?

Oh…CGI car…it’s burning my eyesssssssss! (although I do believe Troyca didn’t do any better with El-Melloi’s Case Files)

“Hotel in Fuyuki” – They couldn’t be any more explicit with this stuff, could they…?

“…Highness.” – I can see why Saber is so popular with the Fate/ fans now.

Huh? I seem to remember the battle that comes next! Damn *bleep* <- (censored name of anime club manager responsible for the anime marathon that caused me to go from the beginning of F/Z in the first place)! I definitely remember Saber fighting Lancer.

Fate/Zero 4

(sorry, seen this one! That’s where the confusion was! So no notes here!)

Fate/Zero 5

Berserker looks like Goblin Slayer covered in smoke…LOL.

…Well, they don’t call that guy Berserker for nothin’ either.

Rider would make a great Santa Claus, LOL.

Fate/Zero 6

Isn’t there a Joan of Arc in the Netflix Fate/ (Apocrypha)?

Dang, that Kayneth is an evil b*stard, alright!

Kirei is basically Wolverine…?

No wonder you never hear about Caster when people talk about Fate/…he’s neither hot nor a waifu…so nobody gives a s*** about him.

Fate/Zero 7

Is that a Gantz?

Wait, y’mean Rider is motivated…by pants? *spits* Hahahaha…

You can see Ufotable’s much-praised CGI at work here, too.

I can definitely see why Ufotable was chosen for Katsugeki and why they chose Izuminokami for their protag.

Had to google Jeanne to remember what she looks like in this universe, but yeah…she does look like Saber.

For some reason, I had a fleeting thought that Lancer would be the one to be on the mountain alongside Saber…I was right.

So basically, the entire Fate/ series is this: who would win? A mage or an assassin? (Or something like this.)

Fate/Zero 8

I still think Kirei is basically Wolverine.

Kiritsugu = “to cut and tie”.Update: It’s “to tie” and “to inherit”, apparently.

F/Z 9

I wonder…just what is Lancer’s motivation for the Grail? Surely, Servants have their own motives…

I literally covered my eyes when Sola-Ui bent Kayneth’s finger back…it was almost as bad as seeing Nozomi get tortured (Magical Girl Spec-Ops Asuka)…*gulp*

“Not well” is an understatement, Sola-Ui.

I had to google how old Waver was in this Grail War…he’s 19, apparently, so right in my strike zone right here, so to speak~.

Beleaguered Waver is what you cool kids would call the 2020 Mood…and yes, I’m watching this on the 1st of January, 2020 (but you’re reading this after I put it up later in the month), so I’m keeping the comment.

“What kind of moron would go busting in?” – *facepalm* It seems Rider would.

What the heck is Rider riding his chariot over on the floor, anyway? What’s up with these sewer creatures ? They’ve got tentacles…!

F/Z 10

Rin reminds me of Asuka (NGE)…*gulp* That can only mean bad things for her.

Zenjo? I’ll make a note of that name.

That one glowing sign says “Fuyuki Station”.

Rin no Bouken = Rin’s Adventure. I don’t see why the subbers included “Big” in there, tbh.

F/Z 11

Uh-oh. Why do I get the feeling Saber’s going to get very, very drunk…?

Gee whiz, the great b*stard is a narcissist…

Well, sometimes I forget I had “Archer = Gilgamesh” spoilt for me ages ago…probably because he’s all over Babylonia, not to mention he seems to be one of the more popular characters precisely because he is the great b*stard.

“I wish for my homeland’s salvation.” – An interesting thing to say, considering Brexit.

What the f*** is a Gordius…oh, okay. So that’s Rider’s chariot.

How many Assassins are there??? I thought there was just the one, but there were 4 last time.

This discussion is interesting…no wonder Saber got mistaken for Joan of Arc back in the day.

Welp, Assassins gotta assassinate…*shrugs*

Eyyyyyy…there’s this one guy who looks basically like an older Waver Velvet! That explains a few things, I think.

F/Z 12

“Ramasonic” (sic).

I still think Gil-I mean, Archer’s snakeskin pants are hilarious.

I feel like last episode was a lot better in regards to how good Fate/ could be. This episode is just Ufotable animating talking Gilgamesh and Kirei heads.

Why do I get a bad feeling something bad’s going to happen to Maiya…again?

Kirei trying to look bada*s while leaning against a wall…it looks sort of funny, to be honest with you…because he bends his neck at a funny angle.

F/Z 13

This is the end of the 1st cour, apparently…according to AniList, at least.

“…5 billion people.” – I think the number is 7 billion now, but okay.

Never leave your Servant unsupervised, amirite?

I saw one of the bookstore’s shelves has science fiction on it…hmm, in a show with magic, that seems ironic…or was that non-fiction? Also somewhat ironic.

Oh, this “Don’t you want to do anything fun?” from Rider to Waver is an interesting parallel to Kirei’s episode (the previous one).

Dragon guy’s off his rocker…seriously.

Paraphrasing here, but “…if you want to use the Grail to make yourself taller…” – then stick to milk and other calcium products, Waver…LOL. I mean, other anime characters do.

Even Saber Naruto runs! There are no aliens here…but that car does have gull-wing doors (<-had to google what the doors were called), so…is it a DeLorean or something? Then someone could time travel instead.

I thought one of the previous commands from the overseers was to defeat Caster…?

Fate/Zero has become a kaiju movie, LOL.

Scared Waver is also a 2020 Mood…LOL.

F/Z 14

What’s this “Giant of Light” business…?

Geesh…If Ufotable did a Godzilla movie, I would watch that…(now that this monster makes me think of that possibility.)

This is a small quibble, but is it “Diabolo” or “Diablo”?

Somehow it didn’t even hit me until the fight was halfway over…but does Gilgamesh control a flying airship as part of his Noble Phantasm?!

Pretty scenery or not, talking people standing still are just that…not very entertaining, for sure. It’s basically the only flaw of this series, aside from the fact it hasn’t plumbed the depths of its themes yet.

Ufotable’s clouds look kind of like Gainax’s in Houkago no Pleiades, huh?

Tokiomi seems to blame Kariya for the whole sister vs. sister thing. Hmm, it really just shows how demented the guy is.

F/Z 15

Berserker is only ever in CGI, huh? No wonder Ufotable was given the job.

“That’s…from King Arthur’s legend…” – Can I please interrupt with the Excalibur song? (I’m annoying like that and want to ruin your level of immersion, that’s why.)

Hey, who knew? We get to see Joan in this anime, too. Thank you, Ufotable and Type Moon for saving me a Netflix subscription.

F/Z 16

“Things have been rather hectic this evening.” – Well, you don’t say…

*Saber and Lancer start their fight * - I detect signs there may have been people shipping Saber and Lancer at this point in time, what with their mutual ideas of honour and such.

Kayneth is kind childish, LOL – he’s like a kid peeping at his parents while they complain to each other about a hard day’s work or something.

Uh, this curse from Lancer here is definitely gonna be relevant later, right…?

I was muttering, “Oh goodness” (<- I’m self-censoring here, but you get the point) a few times over when Kiritsugu and Maiya finally got around to killing Kayneth, Lancer and Kayneth’s fiancee. By the way, were those two ever married…? Also, this makes me wonder…what would happen if you got a completely useless Servant? Like “King of Fools” or something. It would sound like the Familiar of Zero, sure, but it would be an interesting exercise in making a compelling narrative.

F/Z 17

Dangit, B*stard Archer. Disappearing just after you provoked Kirei…

Oh! I found the Avalon scene confusing at first, but now that they explain it, it makes a lot more sense.

“As I live and breathe, Kirei!” – Sounds mighty ironic for a meant-to-be-dead historical figure to say that.

F/Z 18

We jump to someone else’s story…or do we?

For some reason, I think this beach place is based on Okinawa. (It seems like the best match.)

“This isn’t a game.” – Seems highly ironic, given his current situation.

I know Kiritsugu is probably looking into Shirley’s eyes, but all they show is the boobs downwards, so I imagine it to be fanservice.

That shaking was just to disguise the bad animation, wasn’t it…?

…and suddenly, zombies!

Well, that’s great, Kiritsugu. You ended up burning down a village by association. Good job…

“Vampires.” – Well, that wasn’t the word I was expecting…

For some reason, I think this new arrival is a woman, but now that I get a proper look at their face, they kinda look like the Great B*stard (Gilgamesh). Update: It looks like they have cleavage, but then they also kinda resemble Samatoki (Hyp Mic)…so, uh…I dunno. Update 2: Okay, she’s a woman…Natalia, to be precise.

The houses on fire look a lot like the ones in Katsugeki, come to think of it.

F/Z 19

Wait, what’s a Mystic Code again…?

Oh, I didn’t think this show would do it, but there’s a good few seconds of recap. I know, because I had to skip it.

Oh, the reason Kiritsugu doesn’t seem to ally with the Association or the Church is because Natalia wasn’t part of either. Right…I’m so dumb.

Am I just reading into Kiritsugu’s pose here too much, or does he look like Christ the Redeemer a bit…?

There’s something oddly pretty about Vorzak. Then again…it’s too bad he’s designated to be dead.

I could tell Kiritsugu was CGI for a second…but he was in fog. Dangit, Ufotable. You know how to disguise your CGI well.

…Okay, those bees were very CGI. Scrap what I just said.

Bees on a plane. What a way to die.

I’ve noticed Kiritsugu’s eyes don’t have any pupils in them. They’re always kind of dead, but not in th same way En’s (<- from Boueibu) are.

What happened to Kiritsugu’s mother…?

The extended flashback seems to be the best way to my heart, assuming you can pull it off properly.

What’s with that “sometime, somewhere”?

F/Z 20

There hasn’t been a proper OP since 3 episodes ago.

Was Maiya ever interested in Kiritsugu as a woman? This vague pseudo-harem sorta annoys me, which is why I need answers.

The crows in this show aren’t very fluffy. Not that I have a problem with that…it’s just a bit random (and I’m saying that as I operate without much sleep and will have a huge period of getting up early in my near future, so you’re probably going to see even more randomness coming from my brain).

Modanyaki. Never thought I’d be googling a Japanese concept for this anime.

This sleeping bag Waver reminds me of Aizawa, but this is at least 4 years too early for that.

That cloud in the top left is shaped funny…like a knight, maybe? (There’s a triangular bit that looks lik a helmet.)

I believe the bird is a bush warbler (uguisu), based on the colour.

So this is where you learn what the f*** a Gordius Wheel is…right.(sounds a bit pissed)

Seeing Kariya squirm…it makes me thank my lucky stars I had the sound off. My imagination makes the scene worse, though.

So fakers beget fakers and killers beget killers, huh? Not surprising.

“I’ve always told him he was doing the right thing.” – Because you didn’t know any better, huh, Iri?

F/Z 21

“Knight on Two Wheels” – What would that knight be riding, a bike…? (somewhat sarcastic)

…A motorbike. Close enough. (not sarcastic anymore)

The motorbike’s plate says “Fuyuki - Te” – instead of a licence plate combo, Japan has a single hiragana.

Well, at least now I know why you never hear of Kariya outside Fate/Zero much…those worms don’t give him long to live.

Isn’t Tokiomi dead though…?

Holy s***, Kariya, you just got framed! *yells in the tone of voice as if Kariya got owned…which he did, in a sense*

*brow furrowed* What’s up with the framing of Aoi’s killing that makes this seem like attempted rape…?

Kirei looks all dead inside. (LOL) I know it’s the animators’ fault that they didn’t bother with him in that scene, but…he has the eyes of a dead fish there, y’know? I can’t help but laugh.

F/Z 22

Never in my life have I seen a grandpa want to talk on the roof.

The grandpa reminds me of Rider…that’s probably where part of their relationship comes from.

You can see the lack of sleep is getting to Kiritsugu right now…his face looks a little sunken…

…Fate/ is apparently pretty infamous for treating its women badly from a feminist persepctive and I think I get why now…(referring to the death of Aoi and now Kirei’s treatment of Iri)

I think the scariest part of F/Z is watching th emotionless guy learn how to feel…kinda like Equilibrium, y’know?

Hmm? I wonder how this show will choose to end, since it’s signalling its end from 3 episodes out?

I predicted Rider would say something along the lines of “…befitting of the Rider class” and lo and behold! He did!

So Rider can summon a single horse as well as the entire chariot? *Saitama face* Okay then.

Number of Times Waver Appears: 1, Number of Times Waver Cries: 1, Number of Times Waver Blushes: 2

Come to think of it, even though I had that weird “Ohhhhhh! Great B*stard Archer!” reaction at first, Gilgamesh has shown up in most of the worst scenes of this show so far (basically, most of the “talking heads” scenes where he talks shop with Kirei). Then again, my change in feelings probably because I’ve had to keep a special eye out for Waver and knew Saber was the poster girl for the entire series.

The counter appears to be “time until the Holy Grail War”…well, that or its final conflict.

F/Z 23

I like how Waver’s joining in with Rider’s yelling.

I have the sound off, so now I’m just mentally narrating Sakura with this creepy child voice and it’s spooking me out…the Urobutcher could really go toe-to-toe with Stephen King if it weren’t my imagination…(LOL…?)

I feel sorry for that car’s owner…the car wasn’t meant to be wrecked…

I fully expect Berserker to be Lancelot or some other guy in King Arthur’s canon, judging by Saber’s reactio-hey, who’s Arondight…? Update: Oh, f***. It really is Lancelot. Turns out Arondight is the name of Lancelot’s sword. How did I know? There’s that upcoming Camelot adaption, isn’t there? Connect the dots.

Oh, f*** me – I feel conflicted. On the one hand, Lancelot’s hella handsome (and his dark hair is exactly my kinda thing), on the other hand…doesn’t he look like he came out of Castlevania or Vampire Hunter D or something??? F***in’ vampires!

Oh, f*** again, I stand corrected. Lancelot was handsome, before he became a Caster-looking…thing.

*bursts into spontaneous laughter* The new Lancelot looks kinda like Tsukasa from Dr Stone, LOL.

Number of Times Waver Cries: 2

Wait, isn’t Bucephalus Greek??? Update: No, he wasn’t. He was Alexander the Great’s horse. That explains why he’s Rider.

I was wondering how Waver managed to live long enough to be El-Melloi II when he was stuck in a battle to the death. Welp, that’s how he did it, folks! *points at screen*

Number of Times Waver Cries: 3…but…anti-climax, much, f***in’ Gilgamesh???

Uh, what’s up with Psalm 23:4? (I had to google that snippet of the Bible to find out its citation.)

LOL, Kirei and Kiritsugu have very similar faces. Didn’t realise that until now.

F/Z 24

It’s weird seeing Kirei full of fighting spirit…He’s still frickin’ Wolverine, though.

Is this taking cues from the Matrix? I bought it from the charity store the other day because I haven’t seen it yet, but I know Bullet Time from TV Tropes.

Now Kirei is channeling Bruce Lee, LOL.

Ouch…the bullet to the hand reminds me of the nail gun scene in The Island (which still freaks me out to this day). (…and now I’ve gone and done it – every time I think of that movie, I get the song The Island – part 1, at least - in my head as well.)

I can almost see Sakaido (from ID: Invaded) in some of these scenes instead of Kiritsugu…trust Ei Aoki and associates to do that.

I went to dump a screenshot in Paint and one of my Fate/ backgrounds from one of the previous posts was set to my background! (I have my backgrounds set to rotate every 12 hours and I have over 600 pictures for that purpose.) *sighs happily and incredulously* Well, whaddaya know…sometimes the stars do align.

I almost expected Shirley to appear, but it turns out it was Iri instead.

Kiritsugu still has his Command Seals so he’s still connected to the Grail War somehow…hmm…

C’mon, I predicted Gilgamesh would compliment Saber when she was down and bleeding.

F/Z 25 (FINAL)

Who’s Lord Justeaze?

Sakura has the same eyes as Kiritsugu. Dead, lifeless eyes.

Did Kariya just throw himself to the worms???

The Great Naked B*stard Gilgamesh.

A priest is a zombie, huh? How ironic.

Isn’t Gilgamesh annoyed by his lack of clothes…? Update: Never mind. He gets a cloth soon enough.

Wait, if Saber destroyed the Grail, who won…?

Huh? The timer ran out.

Aw, even Waver’s growing up.

One of the books says 零戦 (reisen) which apparently means “Zero Fighter [Plane]”. One of the sets of books says “William Shakespeare”, who I know is a Servant somewhere in the Fateverse.

The Bible verse is Job 19:25.

Lancelot’s head doesn’t disappear when the rest of him fades away…It’s pretty poignant.

Jubstacheit is the head of the Einzberns. Update: Think I had to google that.

“Becoming a hero has an expiration date.” – As much as I know that in my creative heart to not be true, my adult heart says yes, it’s true.

Welp, that’s the end of one series. Time for another.

She?

Ahhhhhhh, the biggest question of my life has been about my sexuality. Am I straight or am I bisexual? I like boys. I have been with boys. I like dick. I crave dick. There is no doubt that I like boys. Always liked boys and will always love boys. However, deep down I always had a feeling that I liked girls too. People always tell me that I give them the “vibe”. I never understood what they meant with that. Was I dressing up too manly? Did I just give them the “vibe” because I had a bad-ass personality? No one seemed to know why either, they just thought I had the “vibe”. I am going to tell you a secret, a huge secret. A secret that I have not told to anyone before. Most of teen age, I lived a double life. In real life, I was a girl who gave some people the “gay” vibe but everyone knew I was straight. When I went back home after school, I would turn on my computer and dive in my virtual life. A life where I was a guy who was going after girls in online games. No, before you think I want to be a guy or that I like the idea of being trans, I have to tell you that you’re wrong. I don’t like to be a guy. I hate dressing up as a guy and I would never do it. The only reason I signed up for online games as a guy was because it was 2011. I was 11 and the kids I played with were 11. I could not go up to people and be like “oh hey, I’m a lesbian. Wanna date?” Of course, they’d tell me I was crazy and that I needed to fuck off. What would you expect a 11 year old to say to you? Plus, there weren’t many lesbian or bisexual fishes in the online virtual game seas. I had one option to try being with girls and I went with it. I kept my double life thing up till I was 17. Then I realized that, this is dumb. It’s fucking stupid. I need to stop using virtual games as a way to escape reality and face reality as it is. There were moments in my life where I was dating an online girl and having a boyfriend in real life. I was not cheating because I was two different people. I know, it makes no sense, but it did to me at that point. After ending the virtual life thing, I knew I was straight. I had no doubt. I dated boys, kissed them, made out, etc.. I was turned on. They could make me cum, which means that I do like dick. I had serious relationships with guys that would last for years. I would talk about marrying them, having their kids and that is what I always wanted. Perhaps it is what I still want. I want a future with a guy. I want to eventually marry a guy, have a family with him, grow old with him. However, I think I have side to me I have never experienced before. Even when I was dating men, I would always think about having a threesome with a girl. I would think about how it is to like a girl or to be with a girl. As years went on, I still kept receiving comments about how I gave people the bisexual vibe. I would be a bit offended because they were assuming I was something that I was not. Plus, wtf does it mean I give them the vibe? I am too manly? I hated that. Fucking hated that. I am a girl, I want to look like a girl and I want to dress up like a girl. I know I am a tomboy but that’s about it. Does this mean that people assume all tomboys are homosexual? I wish someone could answer this or answer why people think I give them bisexual vibes. I wanna know so bad. Anyway, after my break up, I went on back on Tinder. I was like let’s try something new. People’s comment about me giving them bisexual vibes became a challenge to me. I wanted to know if they have been right all this time and I was being too ignorant to accept the truth. After matching with so many whores, asians, and people who were definitely not my type in girls, I saw you... (to be continued) 

Nadia and Lucio for the arcana asks! (@pocusilla-flanchette)

HI POCUS!!!!! *waves*

Nadia - already answered!! :) 

Lucio - what do you think of every character in game? give your honest opinion of each one of them

Under the cut bc spoilers? and also this is LONG

Asra - I love him. I love everything about him. I will fight to protect him. I will marry him. I have such strong feelings for Asra, and it’s DISGUSTING AND HARD TO EXPLAIN. I think he gets unfairly criticized because of his aloofness and vagueness of his answers. Honestly tho, I think people have a right to their own privacy, and if he can’t answer, he can’t. 

I have been in love with him from the very first sight of his sprite in the game. My heart LITERALLY ACHED when he goes the “wrong way” in one of those dream visions. I can go on and on and on, but I won’t. Let me just say, he has proven to be exactly the type of character I imagined he was from the beginning and I love him for all his greatness and his flaws. No one is perfect, but he’s pretty damn close to my ideal boyfriend - and the stabby stabby blood mage stuff was RIGHT DOWN MY ALLEY I WAS CHEERING MY BOY ON FUCK HIM UP ASRA YEH YEH YEH

Let me leave you with this (and this was more applicable before what we learned in the most recent update) - I don’t care what Asra did. He could be the personification of red plague itself and I would still protect him. He could hand deliver red plague DIRECTLY INTO MINE EYE and I would love him still. The depths of my love for Asra cannot be measured.

No Asra hate will be tolerated here.

Faust - ADORABLE. WILL PROTECT. It took me a while to like her tho. I didn’t have specific feelings until the latest update when she started talking to me. I will protect Faust with my life now tho. Precious baby.

Julian - Ahhhhhhh JULIAN. JULES. Julian is attractive and sexy af, but I’m not … impressed. He has this really fake playboy exterior and honestly, that’s a huge turn off for me. BUT! He has a good heart. He saved my life! That’s good! BUT! He has a tendency to be overbearing and overprotective, and uh;;;; that’s…. bad! I have such mixed feelings over him right now because he reminds me of a not so good past experience I’ve had. He’s a sweetheart, but I really wish he would move slower and respect my boundaries better. 

I don’t think he killed Lucio tho, and I’ll do my best to prove his innocence. He’s just realllly hecking unlucky. And stupid. 

He needs to let his heart (or dick??) do less of his decision-making.

Muriel - I don’t know enough about Muriel to have a real opinion about him. He BIG. He THICC. HE HOT. I can say that much. That’s about as far as it goes. 

He did show a lot of concern about Asra’s safety, so he gets points for that in my book. I’ll withhold any further evaluation of him until we get more.

Nadia - Well. I don’t have good feelings about Nadia. People gifting me things, ESPECIALLY expensive things, make me feel very uncomfortable. How can I ever repay that? I can’t. So I have to pay in other ways… and I don’t like owing people anything.

I think Nadia is pure tho. I want to believe she is doing what she believes is the right thing, but idk. I never fully trusted her in the beginning, but I pledged to help and all that… but her repeated questioning of my loyalty got me suspicious and anxious.

Worse? I got REAL MAD when she stole the card from me. ALL TRUST VANISHED. I WAS LIVID. I’d have abandoned her immediately if I had gotten the card back right then and there. I was ready to write her off for taking my things, particularly a SPECIAL gift from Asra.

But she apologized and gave her reasons, so I guess we’re ok now. I’m still not cool with that tactic, but I can understand why she did it.

I don’t dislike Nadia, but I don’t like her either. Neutral.

Lucio - Oh man. I love his GHOST - lemme tell you. The scene where you meet the ghost has been my absolute favorite part of the game thus far. The way the ghost pines for the loss of his perfect body, the feeling of heat as he approaches due to his violent death by fire… gosh he’s just so perfect as a ghost??

As a dude? Idk, he’s so far exactly what I pictured too? Like who wouldn’t be yelling on their deathbed about someone’s incompetence at saving your life? Also he’s a ruler? Also he was a merc? Also he’s just.. extra? He was a little bit rougher than I was expecting, but eh. So far so good, I guess.

Also he’s hot. It bothers me how attracted I am to him. And his ghost. And his fucking furry portrait. Someone, help me.

Portia -She’s ok. She’s got a good heart. But I have questions. Why did she go to work at the Palace after her brother was accused for murder? I know she likes to snoop and gossip (who doesn’t), but I don’t think she did it out of concern for Julian. I wonder WHAT IS IN THE PALACE that has made the Devorak siblings stay in this place? Other than that, I don’t really have any feelings for her. I’m honest with her tho bc I’m honest in general.

Valerius lol - Rude exterior bc he’s a hecking noble. I believe his apology, and I trust him. If you can’t tell, I really love characters that are not so… um… obviously good. I trust them a lot more than the ones who seem GOOD/unproblematic bc I feel like they’re more realistic/honest.

*Ahem* Wine papi is welcome to spill on me any day.

Mazelinka - OH GOSH I LOVE HER. SO DONE with Julian’s thirsty ass and bad luck; trying to marry him off so she doesn’t have to worry about him anymore. I really love her. I could imagine her irl. I hope we see her again. Precious.

i was tagged by an anon so like here u go

LAST:

1. drink: water

2. phone call: ummmmmmmmm who uses phones anymore?

3. text message: a human

4. song listened to: Death of a Bachelor by Panic! At The Disco

5. time i cried: the question is: when am i not crying?

HAVE YOU EVER:

6. dated somebody twice: nope

7. been cheated on: nah

8. kissed someone and regretted it: no

9. lost someone special: mmhm this weekend actually

10. been depressed: constantly

11. gotten drunk and puked: im a minor so...yes

THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

12. ugh black isnt a colour...ummmm...very very very dark blue

13. GAY COLOURS LITERALLY ANYTHING GAY

14. very very very dark grey

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. made new friends: shoutout to my tumblr fam! oml did i just say fam. fml

16. fallen out of love: i guess so :)

17. laughed until you cried: yeah cause inside jokes ahhhhhhhh

18. found out someone was gossiping about you: ALL👏 THE👏FUCKING👏TIME LIKE SERIOUSLY GET A LIFE

19. met somebody who changed you: yup :) a couple people actually

20. find out who your true friends are: i think so? but i mean...bpd so...i guess we will never know

21. kissed somebody on your facebook list: facebook is for old people

HOW MANY/MUCH:

22. facebook friends do you have in real life: get over it facebook is so 2007

23. pets: ive had 7 fish...ive given up all hope

24. want to change name: idk maybe on my dysphoric days but not constantly

WHAT:

25. did i get for my last birthday: a phone + data and a trip to Toronto for dance as far as i know

26. time i woke up: ummmmmmm ever heard of insomnia?

27. doing at midnight: probably on tumblr while watching netflix sometimes talking to friends

28. something you cannot wait for: death

29. last time i saw my mom: 45 mins ago

30. something you wish you could change about your life: being alive

31. listening to right now: grey’s anatomy cause OML THAT SHOW IS BOMB, jesus did i just say bomb...kill me

32. something that gets on your nerves: homophobes

33. talked to a person named Tom: idfk probably ive met a lot of people through acting im almost positive that i had a producer named tom when i was like 6

34. most visited website: TUMBLR. but netflix and youtube comes a close second...not really but like i use them a lot

35. elementary school: i went to 2 and was homeschooled for some reasons but like only briefly

36. high school: im in high school? only been to 1 but homeschooling might happen probs not but maybe

37. college: probably will be dead by then...BUT...if i am unfortunately alive, ill be in LA idk what ill be doing but ill be in LA or NYC but probs LA

38. hair color: dark brown looks black in the light kinda red and brown and black UGH WORDS u need to see it to understand what im saying

39. long or short hair: TOO LONG. TOO FUCKING LONG

40. crush: a cool human

41. do you like about yourself: i am filled with self hatred. there is no room for ‘liking myself’ what are u talking about

42. piercings: nope no nah nuh uh not happening not today boo boo not today FEMALE DYSPHORIA IM SORRY

43. blood type: you would think i knew cause ive done too many blood tests to count but nope still clueless as fuck cause IM A MINOR FUCK YOU MOM

44. nickname: M, some people call me Mandy but if u call me Mandy ur dead to me

45. relationship status: taken? wow thats weird to say

46. zodiac: Pisces

47. pronouns: she/her? he/him? they/them? EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN? depends on the day i guess...or whatever im feeling? still kinda confused LEAVE ME ALONE OKAY

48. favorite show: grey’s anatomy currently but pretty little liars comes really close

49. tattoos: WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT

50. right or left handed: ambidextrous get on my level

FIRST:

51. surgery: there has been too many i cant even remember my first

52. piercing: ugh refer to 42 ^^^

53. best friend: a couple of them? no names mentioned u know who u fucking are

54. sport: dance, ugh dance, love dance but like love hate, ummmm im really fucking athletic so like everything?

55. vacation: THAILAND U TAKE ME TO THAILAND U ARE OFFICALLY MY BEST FRIEND ALSO LA TAKE ME TO LA PLEASE I LOVE U FOREVER

56. pair of shoes: adidas cause i get them for freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

RIGHT NOW:

57. eating: newsflash im anorexic

58. drinking: nothing? water i guess?

59. im about to: UMMMMMMMMMMMMM

60. listening to: LA Devotee by Panic! at the Disco

61. waiting for: death? thats not original...ummmmmmm summer i guess? no summer = stress ummmmmm fuck it death im waiting for fucking death. refer to my blog to understand WHY IM SUICIDAL

62. want to see: my hw finished on my table

63. want to get married: idk i guess so? probs will be dead :)

64. career: acting i think but dance is an option i mean im already in the business and working actively so why not continue? idk if i actually wanna pursue it tho

WHICH IS BETTER:

65. hugs/kisses: depends on the person ;)

66. lips/eyes: ^^^ but usually eyes cause eyes are pretty

67. shorter/taller: people are cute no matter what

68. younger/older: does it matter? “age is just a number”

69. romantic/spontaneous: romantic but i wouldnt know im making an educated guess

70. nice arms/nice stomach: nice humans

71. sensitive/loud: sensitive

72. hook up/relationship: relationship

73. troublemaker/hesitant: hesitant i think?

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. kissed a stranger: nope

75. drank hard liquor: fuck yes gets u drunk fast

76. lost glasses/contact lenses: dont wear them...yet....we’ll see (see what i did there) (and there again) I AM AN AWFUL PERSON

77. turned someone down: yes quite often actually idk why it just happens?

78. canoodling on first date: first of all, ive never been on a date. second, im a virgin. third, WHY CANT U JUST SAY SEX? LIKE ITS NOT A BAD THING TO SAY WE ARE ON TUMBLR WHAT ARE U TALKING ABOUT...okay im done now sorry

79. broken someones heart: oops

80. had your own heart broken: mmhm all the fucking time idk why it just happens, i just realized how many times ive said that

81: been arrested: nah

82: cried when someone died: MMHM ALL FUCKING WEEKEND

83: fallen for a friend: who hasn’t like lesbihonest (sorry im just really gay)

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. yourself: of course not who do u think ur talking to

85. miracles: i hope so?

86. love at first sight: ummmmm i think so? i really hope so but idk

87. Santa Clause: no but ummm idk but like no but like maybe but like no

88. kiss on first date: yeah

89. angels: i want to believe that i believe in angels but after everything that has happened to me idfk

OTHER:

90. current best friends name: fucking classified bitch leave me alone

91. eye color: hazel

92. favorite movie: anything disney cause im a disney freak ummmm The Imitation Game cause gay ummm OMG PRIDE GREAT MOVIE also love Tomboy cause it made me cry uggggh coming out ahhhhhhh tears ahhhhh

i tag everyone that reads this cause im too lazy

U BETTER DO THIS TAG ITS ACTUALLY A GOOD TAG SO LIKE