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staarshiine · 3 years

Text

Turbulence

words: 1,773 tw: s*icdial thoughts

Louie knew that he shouldn’t be feeling this way, that it was a dangerous and terrible thought to have, but he just couldn’t muster up the energy to care anymore.

He hadn’t cared about anything for a long time.

or, Louie can’t sleep. He ends up spiraling.

Ao3

Louie didn’t know what it was that woke him up.

These nights even the slightest creek from the old house could startle him awake. It was embarrassing, really, to sometimes fall out of bed just because a poster fell off a wall, especially after he had a day of avoiding bears with chainsaws for arms. Maybe being such a light sleeper was the price he had to pay for a childhood of near death experiences. A shitty trade off, if you asked him.

In the end it didn’t really matter what woke him up, the result was the same.

Louie was left laying alone in the dark, tired out of his mind, but unable to sleep.

For some awful reason, his brain had decided to choose now to be uncomfortably aware of every inch of his body, almost as if sensing his desperate attempts to fall back asleep.

His gut was churning and twisting in a way he knew would evolve into a full blown stomachache the second he decided to get up, and there was a slight pang in the left side of his rib cage. His wrist and knuckles still hurt from when he had smacked the back of his hand against a stone wall while running away from the catastrophe of the day, and there was a similar stinging pain in his knee from when he scrapped it tripping and falling on the ground to narrowly avoid the swipe of an axe. His legs and the bottoms of his feet were aching from the cardio workout he got while running for his fucking life earlier that day.

He was just so tired.

The weariness went much further than just bone deep. It was as if exhaustion was laced into every breath, like someone had made thread out of lead and had sewn it into the very fabric of his soul.

He was tired of not being able to sleep through the night. He was tired of his body hurting all the time. He was tired of being forced to fight just to live every day.

He was tired of his life. He was tired of living.

The realization dawned upon him quietly but all at once, like the tide slowly inching in until he’s suddenly been submerged by the waves he didn't notice creeping in.

Louie knew that he shouldn’t be feeling this way, that it was a dangerous and terrible thought to have, but he just couldn’t muster up the energy to care anymore.

He hadn’t cared about anything for a long time.

When had the constant danger become normal? Why had he gotten used to being kidnapped on a daily basis, as if it wasn’t horrifying enough to get locked and tied up? How had having to run just for the chance to breath for another day become a regular occurrence?

Louie had been running on pure fear for so long, he wasn’t sure how to get through the day without adrenaline pulsing through his veins.

Maybe he was tired of fighting. He barely even knew what he was fighting for.

It wasn’t as if Uncle Scrooge allowed him to keep any of the treasures they found on adventures. The golden luster of a future life filled with riches had begun to lose its shine. Was some pretty coin worth all the trouble it was taking to get there?

He didn’t have many big dreams outside of just getting rich, it was almost sad. It was sad. But it wasn’t as if he was going to get far in life anyways. Louie was a greedy, lazy, selfish bastard and he knew that fact uncomfortably well. No matter what Louie did he could never seem to escape who he really was. Someone always ended up getting hurt.

Did he have anyone to be there for?

He didn’t have many friends, either. Not that he ever really tried to make any, not after the disaster that was Doofus Drake. Lena, Boyd, Violet, and Gosalyn were all nice, but they weren’t really his friends. They were all closer to his siblings. He wasn’t anyone’s first choice.

There was always his family.

His family who probably hated him.

Louie couldn’t even count the number of times he had put them into mortal danger for stupid reasons. No shiny ring or necklace was worth their lives, but he was always blinded by the shine and his own selfish greed, and risked it anyways. What reason had he given to deserve their love? He brought nothing good to the table. All he did was sit around all day and get in the way.

His family didn’t seem to have the same problems with the constant adventures that he did. Day after day they just popped back into action, bravely facing whatever life threw their way. Louie felt so ashamed in comparison. Was the problem just him? What was wrong with him?

Why couldn’t he do anything right?

Schemes were supposed to be his thing, the one skill he had that had the capacity to be helpful, to some degree. He fucked that up too.

He had blinked all of them out of existence because of his stupid fucking schemes, and his mom hated him for it. Of course she did. Who wouldn’t? He certainly did.

God.

He just wanted to go back to bed.

Louie didn’t know how much time he had spent, falling deeper and deeper into his own head, but he felt worse than ever before.

His blanket had long stopped being comforting and instead became suffocating. He could barely muster the energy to rip it off, and the sudden cold made him feel sick to his stomach.

Living in a literal tower seemed cool, but the novelty wore off once they realized Scrooge was too cheap to pay for the heating in the room.

Still, the cold was better than the clammy constricting blanket. He curled up tight into a fetal position, and tried to bite back the tears burning in his eyes.

Louie knew he wasn’t in the right mind, that his brain was playing tricks on him and skewing his perception of reality, but god did it feel real.

In that moment he truly believed nobody cared for him. That he was totally and utterly alone.

Then Dewey let out a loud snore above him.

It was such a stupid and small thing, but he couldn’t help but let out a snort. Which then exploded into full blown laughter.

Louie just couldn’t stop. He knew he was definitely going to wake someone up, but he just couldn’t control himself. He doubled over wheezing and cackling till his stomach and cheeks hurt, and each gasping breath began to turn into sobs.

Between the sound of his own manic laughter he could hear the sheets above him shuffling, and the quiet thunks of Huey climbing down the ladder.

Knowing his brothers were awake to witness his hot mess of a breakdown just made the situation even more hilarious in the same way a depressed clown falling on his ass was. Louie’s face was bright red from how hard he was laughing, and hot tears were streaming down his cheeks. He could barely breathe. Nothing about the situation felt real.

“...Louie?”

Dewey’s sleepy voice cut through Louie’s gasping breaths, and startled him out of his crazed giggling. Somehow both his brothers had manifested at the edge of his bed without him noticing. Louie could barely make out his brothers’ concerned expressions through his watery eyes.

Huey’s eyebrows were furrowed so hard Louie was surprised he hadn’t gotten wrinkles yet, and Dewey was rubbing his eye and clutching a pillow to his chest. He looked almost scared. Louie had to look really insane for Dewey of all people to be scared, Dewey wasn’t scared of anything. It was honestly concerning sometimes how often he would throw himself head first into danger.

“What happened? Are you okay?” Huey fretted, and moved to sit near him on the bed.

Like he had to ask. Louie knew he looked like a garbage fire that was hit by a freight train then tossed into a blender and hurled into the fucking sea.

You tell me, do I look okay, Hubert?

He knew he was being a little mean, but it was enough to throw Louie back into hysterical laughter, which quickly dissolved into violent sobs. Huey let out a distraught noise and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, pulling him close. Louie just let himself be held and cry into his older brother’s sleep shirt. He felt like a baby, but he couldn’t be bothered to care anymore. The bed dipped and creaked slightly as Dewey sat down on the other side, and began to rub circles into his back. That just made Louie cry even harder.

They really did care about him.

The thought suddenly flooded him with pure relief.

Louie didn’t know how long he spent sitting there and sobbing his eyes out, but eventually he ran out of tears to spill. His heaving cries sputtered off into quiet gasps and eventually he was left quietly clutching to Huey’s side. The night still felt unreal, like the second Louie let go Huey and Dewey would vanish and he would be all alone again.

“...No,” Louie weakly whispered out, his voice scratchy and raw from the abuse Louie had just put his throat through. “I’m not okay. I… I think I haven't been for a really long time.”

No one said anything. Dewey just leaned into his other side and gave Louie’s hand a slight squeeze. Huey shifted slightly to reach up and gently wipe away Louie’s tears. He rested his palm against Louie’s cheek and guided his head to rest on Huey’s shoulder. They were such small acts of affection, but it was enough to warm Louie’s heart. It was right there, sitting sandwiched between both his brother’s, did Louie finally feel a sliver of hope.

He was loved.

It didn’t matter what he thought of himself, there would always be two people in his little corner of the world who cared about him.

Louie was still tired. He wasn’t sure anything could lift that heavy feeling out of his chest, but just sitting there and being held made it just the slightest bit lighter.

Maybe he could make it through another day.

Maybe tomorrow morning he could work up the courage to talk to his siblings and explain just exactly how he was feeling. But for now, all Louie was concerned about was letting his heavy eyelids slip shut.

And finally, he fell asleep.

#ducktales #louie duck #huey duck #dewey duck #suicidal thoughts tw #cal writes #ask to tag #hurt comfort #angst #guess who finally wrote something lmao #sorry its kinda dark #i wasnt feeling too hot LSKDGJH but hey i actually finished something so thats a plus

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