#i was gonna draw Westley and Inigo and Fezzik | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lovelylogans · 6 years

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PRINCESS BRIDE AU

BC I CAN also i just rewatched it and it’s one of my fav movies so

LOGICALITY/PRINXIETY BUCKLE IT UP

please. please. y’all already know roman is buttercup. upcoming royal??? yeah it’s roman, obvi

westley is virgil. 1. bc he was socially awkward to the point of throwing himself down a hill as a way to communicate to his former love that he’s actually alive, 2. westley’s snark is iconic

logan is inigo. bc he studied for years and years under the greatest swordsmen. like, canonically. boy is inigo.

patton is fezzik. partially bc i like the idea of gentle giant patton and partially bc of the way he nursed everyone back to health (inigo from drunk stuff, westley from death) and also like he’s so soft and gentle and the end where he gets two white horses???? it’s patton y’all

deceit is humperdinck. on a related note, please let deceit’s canon name be on the level of ridiculousness of humperdinck @ thomas and co i’m begging

vizzini is uhhh. uh. hm. you know what. full absurdity here it’s the dragon witch (you know how the dragon witch was like a throwaway character except i’m basically shoehorning her into every fic i have?)

(the magician and his wife who resurrect westley are now joan and talyn, i don’t make the rules, except i do)

also tw mentions of suicide, and also torture

ACTUAL PLOT UNDER CUT

so! roman as the slightly bratty upcoming lord of the land or whatever on the farm, and virgil as the farmboy

virgil is a Useless Gay and as such whenever roman asks him to do anything he just “as you wish” and tries hard not to be too obvious about staring at him and covers up his affection with snark

roman, who is an Equally Useless Gay, just kinda. keeps giving virgil these useless commands (”farmboy! ....um. hand me those reigns!” “...the ones... you’re holding?” “THE OTHER REIGNS” “....as you wish”)

eventually roman does a “farmboy. fetch me that pitcher.” and virgil does and whispers “as you wish” and roman grabs him by his lapels and brings him in for a kiss

virgil however fully recognizes that he has to up his social class in order to be with roman so he goes sailing before they can marry but the dread pirate anx attacks

roman is devastated, ofc, and makes the “i’ll never love again” vow

let’s do the time warp again!

five years later!

roman’s accepted a proposal from deceit, bc 1. he’s the prince and 2. if he’s gonna be miserable may as well be miserable in a high social standing, right

plus he always kinda dreamed of being a prince as a kid, didn’t he? maybe this way he can enact some change

it is hard to remember such things when he is trotted out in the public square like a prize goat, but he clings to it regardless

except!

he goes out riding (one of the only things he still loved) before the wedding and gets knocked out by the dragon witch and co.

logan and his husband fiancé boyfriend (?) patton have mostly accepted this job bc they need money, and keep accepting the job bc... well, money

logan swears they’ll get out of it and he’ll find the six-fingered man, and patton doesn’t like the unscrupulousness of it but. well. they have to eat somehow

and he debates with the dragon witch about and he goes “you were not hired for brains!” “but i was,” logan says coolly, sharpening his sword. “and if you speak to him like that again, you’ll see precisely the other reason you hired me.”

yeah they don’t like it

anyways logan starts the fast/alas harm/charm rhyme game with patton to cheer him up. and then they keep it up bc it annoys the dragon witch

roman wakes up and logan notices someone following him (spoiler it’s virgil) and the dragon witch threatens roman. everyone on the boat hates the dragon witch, basically

but roman jumps into the shrieking eel-infested waters, swimming to the boat, bc as miserable as he is he doesn’t wanna be murdered for a war

patton ends up smacking the eel on the nose and bringing roman into the boat, huddling over him protectively and asking if he’s okay

roman gives him a why would you care look, and patton gives him some extra food as sympathy

the CLIFFS of INSANITY!!

and patton climbs them all up, shortly followed by the Mysterious Masked Man

“INCONCEIVABLE!!” and the dragon witch cuts the rope, and the masked man managed to cling to the rocks

the dragon witch makes to leave logan behind and patton looks anxious and logan smiles and shakes his head and says “i’ll be fine” “just... be careful, okay? people in masks can’t be trusted” and they kiss and the dragon witch urges patton and roman on

basically as soon as the dragon witch is out of earshot logan calls down to him

“slow going?” “look, i don’t mean to be rude, but this isn’t as easy as it looks. i’d appreciate if you didn’t distract me.” “sorry.” “thank you”

five seconds later... “i don’t suppose you could speed things up?” “look, if you’re in such a hurry, you could throw down some rope or something?” “well i’m not sure if you’d accept. i mostly want you to speed up so i can fight you. potentially to the death.” “...that does put a damper on our relationship.”

ten seconds later... “look, okay, i’ll throw down the rope, and step back from it.” “why do you want to help me so bad?” “well, that sword you’re carrying.” and then he goes on a tirade of how that exact blade and how beat up it is etc. is evidence of a good swordsman and it’s been a g e s since logan’s had a good duel

“...all right, fine. anyone told you, you talk too much?” “i could rescind that rope offer--” “on seCOND THOUGHT”

so virgil reaches the top and logan offers him a breather until they duel, and logan lays out his backstory in all kinds of matter-of-fact language

he tells the story of the six-fingered man after virgil catches him looking closely at his hands, and explains that he went from studying sword-making to sword-fighting after the death of his father, along with the twin scars on his face

he also explains the whole “we’re working with the witch to pay the bills” kind of thing and also patton

“you seem a decent fellow. i hate to kill you.” “you seem a decent fellow. i hate to die.”

do yourself a favor watch the swordfight again it’s glorious (that link also includes the inigo/westley convo)

logan, a nerd, lists off the routines. virgil, also a nerd, offers counterpoints

it’s the debate, basically. it’s their debate but with swords

“who are you?” “no one of consequence.” “i must know.” “get used to disappointment.”

logan gets his sword knocked out of his hand, and very matter-of-factly says “kill me quickly. and tell patton--tell patton--”

“i’m not going to kill you, for goodness sake’s. i’ve never had an equal like this. however, i can’t have you following me, either.” and whacks logan over the head

meanwhile, they see virgil coming up over the hill, and the dragon witch takes roman and leaves patton (who is worrying VERY MUCH as if he got past logan then--)

virgil comes up over the hill to a rock thrown at him and smashed very near his head. he whirls around, bringing up the sword, and patton emerges from behind the rock, another rock uplifted.

“what did you do with logan?!”

“he’s alive, just unconscious.”

“oh thank god,” and he lowers the rock, beaming. “this business is so dangerous the only reason we stick with it is because we’re broke” “well, understandable. i did the same for five years.”

“...so, uh, what now?” “i just kinda figured. well. i don’t want that nice prince to die. if you’re trying to save him, you can knock me out. i’ll kneel to make it easier for you, if you like.” “well that’s very kind of you”

ft. battle of iocaine powder, with a blindfolded roman, and virgil smirking as the dragon witch rattles off the varieties of reasoning (”you fell victim to one of the classic blunders!”) and eventually swaps glasses and dies anyways

virgil crosses over and unties the blindfold

“who are you?” “no one to trifle with. and that’s all you need to know.” “to think--yours was poisoned!” “no. i’ve spent the past five years building up an immunity to iocaine powder.”

eventually virgil lets roman stop to catch his breath and roman promises ransom, adding that deceit is a fantastic tracker

“you admit to me you do not love your fiancé” “he knows i do not love him” “are not capable of it, you mean” and roman draws himself up to his full height

“i have loved more deeply than a killer like yourself could ever dream--”

virgil snarls and pulls roman along, keeping going before they get caught by deceit

eventually roman snaps that he knows he’s the dread pirate anx, admit it! and virgil does, and roman snarls that he can die slowly, cut into a thousand pieces, etc etc etc

virgil, kind of testing him, asks about the love that he apparently killed. who is “poor and perfect, with the most beautiful eyes” and they bicker more and more, virgil saying “i remember this farm boy, i think.” and talking a game about how he died well and said “please. please, i need to live.” because he had true love

they bicker more and more and roman screams “i DIED that day!” and they see deceit’s horses, and roman snarls “you can die too for all i care before shoving him down the hill

“AAAAAS..... YOUUUUUUU... WIIIIIIIIISH”

and roman immediately throws himself down the hill after him

deceit realizes they’re heading to the fire swamp

roman and virgil have their sappy reunion “you’re alive! if you want, i can fly!” and the “death cannot stop true love. only delay it for a while”

and then... fire swamp

roman gets a bit singed by the fire, and virgil explains how he took the dread pirate anx is actually multiple people; ryan, cummerbund, etc etc, while carrying roman through the forest. and then he sets him down and basically immediately roman gets sucked into lightning sand, and then the rous’

they make it out of the fire swamp and straight into deceit’s calvalcade, ft. six-fingered man

“you mean you wish to surrender to me? very well, i accept”

but also roman sees them trying to kill virgil and basically surrenders so they promise not to hurt him

“i thought you were dead once. it almost destroyed me. i can’t do it again.” and deceit whisks him onto his horse before he can say a proper goodbye to virgil

virgil gets knockt out and taken to the pit of despair

(fun fact: the henchperson in the pit of despair in the movie terrified me so much as a kid, oh my god)

anyways they clean his wounds and basically prep him for the Death Machine

roman, meanwhile, is moping quietly around the castle, as deceit basically covers for it with his father’s failing health. roman has stress dreams and nightmares about the wedding, before he marches to deceit’s office and declares that he will be dead by the morning after their wedding

deceit simpers that he could never cause roman grief, and they’ll alert virgil’s ship, etc., all that, and casts some shade, but roman stays strong. eventually they make a deal that if virgil wants roman, sure, but if not, please consider deceit as an alternative to death.

deceit reveals that he hired the dragon witch, as they walk to the pit of despair, and the six-fingered man starts virgil up on the Torture

after that, logan and patton (since reunited) are having a merry old time knocking people out in the thieves’ forest and avoiding arrest, when patton at last reveals the discovery of the six-fingered man

CHANGE OF PLANS, logan declares, and basically drags patton into this plan. he also needs, well, another swordsman, so he may as well go looking for...

virgil! who is Suffering, highkey, when deceit struts into the room. roman has since figured out his letters to virgil haven’t been sent, and he is. Angry About It, which makes deceit Angry at him and roman has basically been locked away until the wedding

back to virgil! as deceit is ranting about the true love, which is a once in a century ordeal, and so deceit snarls “then no man in a century will suffer as greatly as you will” and cranks the machine up to fifty

and uh. he ded y’all

not before screaming loud enough for basically the whole country to hear, including logan and patton!

who move towards the screaming, and are basically like “well, we’re in the middle of a forest, now what” until they stumble along the henchperson, who gets Knocked soundly along the head until he reveals the pit

they cart out virgil’s body to joan and talyn, and logan basically tells them that it would greatly displease deceit and so they have their whole thing (and TO BLAAAVE, which means to bluff! and rewatch the whole situation because it’s so funny and also like. oh my god. joan and talyn as miracle max and valerie)

so they get him the little chocolate covered miracle pill and haul virgil out

“bye bye, boys! have fun storming the castle!”

they feed him the miracle pill, but, uh, virgil’s physicality is....... incredibly limited

“let me explain! no, there’s too much. roman’s marrying deceit’s in less than half an hour. so we gotta break into the castle. and i have to kill count rogen.”

“great. the only trouble is i can’t move and there are sixty guards on that door”

basically they come up with the whole, like, demon entrance plan, which is hilarious, and come upon the head guard

“give us the gate key.” “i have no gate key.” “i see. patton, tear his arms off.” “oh you mean this gate key!”

wedding is happening, which.

“mawwaige..... mawwage is what bwings us togezzer... today.”

oh my god. oh my god it’s the precursor to the hewwo meme

anyways they keep talking “wuvvvvv.... TWU wuv!” and deceit snaps they speed up for it and they get the shortest vows ever

deceit gets roman taken to the honeymoon suite by his parents and he goes racing out to face virgil, logan, and patton, who is carrying virgil

in comes the six-fingered man, and six guards, who logan slays with ease

“hello. my name is logan sanders. you killed my father. prepare to die.”

dude fuckin sprints outta there, and logan follows

meanwhile, patton continues calmly carrying virgil until logan starts shouting for him to break down a door

patton gently installs virgil into the arms of a knight thing and stops logan from basically knocking his head against the door, before punching it down for him, and going back to get virgil

roman’s being escorted by the queen, who he gently kisses on the cheek

“what was that for?”

“you’ve always been so kind to me. and i’ll be killing myself once we reach the honeymoon suite.”

“....won’t that be nice. HE KISSED ME!”

logan has his Badass Fight and gets jabbed pretty bad in the stomach, but not before enacting his awesome revenge

roman dully enters the suite, and preps to stab himself in the chest, until he hears a voice from the bed

“there are very few perfect chests in the world. it’d be a pity to damage yours.”

“VIRGIL! OH, VIRGIL!”

and he rushes to kiss and hug him, and basically virgil reveals he can’t move all that much right now and is in a fair bit of pain

“won’t you forgive me?” “what did you do?” “i got married” “well, did you say i do?” “well... no.” “then you didn’t get married. don’t you agree, highness?”

and roman whirls around to see deceit

and virgil gives the badass to the pain speech

god it’s so. yes.

and virgil manages to stumble to his feet and hold out his sword, snarling “drop. your. sword.”

it’s scary enough that deceit basically immediately forfeits, and roman ties him up, beaming

logan stumbles into the room, holding his stomach “where’s patton?!” “i thought he was with you!”

and they hear patton calling from the window, beaming and holding the reigns to four white horses

and they uh... happily ever after, running away together, to Be Gay and Do Crime

#my post #text #my fic #princess bride #logicality #prinxiety

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