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whiskynottea · 6 years

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Death Dreams

Previously Help Me. Wide Awake. Not Yet. Five Years. Angel-Forest-Train. You want to hear more. Six Months. Guilt.

AO3

For Gotham’s Writing Workshop, week 37, Love makes me hate the world.

Distorted Thoughts.

Jamie’s fingers drummed against his jeans, his jaw set as if for a battle. He didn’t want to be in that office. He wanted to go back home, crawl under the sheets and forget about the world.

Wishing the world would forget about him too.

But Claire had come with him, and she was waiting at the reception. Her whisky eyes were hopeful when Dr. Hildegard walked out of her office to welcome him.

“Good luck, love. I’ll be right here.” Her whisper had been soft and her smile strained. Jamie was sure her heart was beating as fast as his did.

Psychotherapy. Their biggest fight in months.

Their voices had been raised, forcefully grazing against their throats only to get low again, mere hisses spat through clenched teeth. A duel to prove their superiority, waiting to see who would bleed first. She had insisted, but he didn’t want to hear about it again. He had repeatedly told her that he didn’t need therapy.

How sharing all his problems and thoughts with a person he didn’t know would help, anyway?

The moment Claire had stood in front of him with her fists in balls and her breaths uneven, a thought had come to his mind. Maybe she had had enough. Maybe she couldn’t - didn’t want to - deal with his ragged psyche anymore.

He felt betrayed. He felt relieved. Without thinking about it, he told her to live separately. He would never utter the words if they had stayed long enough in his mouth or his head, but he could keep nothing inside anymore.

Claire had cried a desperate “No!” and doubled up as if he had stabbed her. He had won. He saw her break, there, next to the kitchen table, and knew he was the one who broke her. He, who had promised to keep her safe.

Love made him hate the world. If only she didn’t love him that much. If only she would finally leave him alone.

But she hadn’t. Strange are the ways of the heart. Stabbed and broken and it keeps beating.

Claire had left the house only to come back an hour later, still in her blue scrubs, hugging him as if her life depended on that embrace as much as his did. Saying she was sorry.

Claire, apologizing to him, as if the mistake was hers.

He knew then, that she would never leave him. That he could never win, without her. And he accepted to give psychotherapy a try.

For her. For them.

For him.

He had felt her tears on his skin when he told her, her heart dancing against his chest. Rejoining, for him. Calling to his as it had always done, in their unique rhythm, unbeknownst to the world.

Most of the days, he could feel his heart singing to hers. But then, there were times when he felt his whole existence frail, secured in a bubble wrap; mute, alone, safe. And he wanted it to remain that way. Being with Claire made him vulnerable, made him care. She gave his life a meaning, and with that came the world’s expectations, demanding to be fulfiled, to be carried along. But they were heavy and he failed, time after time, each step getting his feet deeper in the mud.

So, here he was. Psychotherapy. Asking help from a stranger, to find his lost strength.

He took a deep breath, releasing it slowly. He had decided to try. Maybe Claire was right, maybe these sessions would prove helpful.

Doctor Hildegarde’s voice was soothing. He didn’t know what to expect, but talking to her didn’t feel wrong. She asked him why he was there. He said the truth. His wife wanted him to try psychotherapy. He was already on medication, and he was doing better - most of the days. Hildegard nodded, looking him straight in the eye.

When did you see the first signs?

It had all started when his latest book became a bestseller. When he returned to his desk, away from his editors and his devoted fans, away from book presentations and reassuring pats on the back. The moment he sat alone in front of his computer screen, his breaths were different. It took him a while to realize that he was afraid he could never create something just as good. Terrified, that his much-praised talent was just luck and good marketing.

Every time his fingers crushed on the keyboard, he felt the ghost of inadequacy heavy on them. He used to caress the letters, whisper to them, making them move in a mystical dance forming words. Now it was pure force. He had to find a story, a good one. He had to talk to people’s souls. He had to be good, better, the best.

He spent whole days writing only two sentences. And even in those, the words had been wrong. They didn’t have a heart. They edged towards the margins of each page, eager to leave.

He had been struggling for months. Months, until he wanted to throw up the moment he turned his computer on. The pages, stark white, hurt his eyes. The stories remained hidden. They didn’t itch his fingers, desperate to tumble out.

He was hiding it all from Claire at the beginning. It was stupid, to tell her that he was a writer who couldn’t write. It was insignificant, when she had lost human lives doing her job and yet carried the weight of these memories along the way with grace. It would be okay, he had told himself. It would soon get better.

Only it didn’t.

When Claire realized that something was off, he didn’t admit it. It was a weakness, and he was strong. They had gone through harder times in the past. He hadn’t crumbled when they lost Faith, how could he get worse now, over the ghost of an unwritten book?

It made no sense.

And yet, like a modern Prometheus, he was bound on a rock, waiting for the eagle to feed on his liver every single day. Or, rather, his brain. Ancient Greeks were wrong about that - the liver wasn’t the seat of human emotions, the brain was.

It was when Claire found him crying on the floor, that he asked for her help. And ever since that day, she had been there, patient and strong, loving and caring. And his. She hadn’t left him, even though she should.

How do you feel?

It was a simple, short question. How did he feel? Less. He felt that he wasn’t his best self, that he didn’t give the people he loved what they deserved. He was a disappointment. To them, to himself.

In the following thirty minutes, Jamie replied to her unhurried questions and gave voice in thoughts he hadn’t said aloud even to himself. Claire had never challenged him to explain his situation. She was there when he started breaking, she knew what he was feeling and why.

Speaking to Hildegarde was liberating in a way Jamie hadn’t expected. He didn’t care if his words revealed how broken he was - he wouldn’t affect her life, her day, or her mood by saying the wrong thing. He could just be, shitty as he was, and don’t care about it.

Jamie dropped his facade. He had adopted it almost two months ago, when Claire’s face lit with hope after adopting a new medication plan. Since then Jamie had plastered a smile on his face on bad days, pretending everything was okay. In therapy, however, he didn’t need to try and be something he wasn’t.

“Jamie, the first thing you told me when you got in this room was that you are here because of your wife. But I must tell you now, that If you don’t want to be here, if you doubt psychotherapy, I can do nothing to help you.”

“Aye, I ken,” he smiled faintly, but meant it. He understood now. “I’m here to try,” he said, fully aware of the difficulty of the undertaking. Nothing would change miraculously.

“We will try to connect your thoughts and your emotions. Your brain has adopted certain patterns to react to the environmental stimuli. Cognitive distortions, if you like. I know it sounds complicated now, but we will take one step at a time, and everything will clear up. We will make a crisis plan for you, including stress-reduction activities and the people who will be your social supports.”

He nodded. A plan. Taking things in his hands again. He could do it.

“I also want you to keep a journal, noting down your emotions, your thoughts and the incidents that triggered them. It would help if you included how you responded to it, as well. Could you do that, you think?”

He could.

Distorted thoughts. When the world was flipping. When he heard Claire asking him how writing was going and he felt that she was accusing him of worthlessness. Of not doing what he was supposed to do. Of not being the man she had married.

Jamie looked at Hildegarde and saw neither pity nor compassion in her eyes. He didn’t see the love he saw in Claire’s whisky eyes, the love that made everything worse. The unconditional love that required nothing from him while making him feel he ought to give her everything.

Love made him hate himself. He couldn’t love her back the same way, he couldn’t even be there for her when she needed him.

He had heard her crying more than once and had shied away, terrified of finding the reason behind the tears was he, desperate of being unable to help her. His feet were urging him towards her as they always did, but his heart shrank in his chest, his breaths came faster, his mind focused on just one thing. How much he was hurting her.

What could he say, when he had ruined their world? What could he possibly whisper in her soft curls to console her? What could he say that would not be a lie?

But Hildegarde wasn’t Claire. She was a professional. She wanted to help, but with her he didn’t feel that imminent pressure to get well. He didn’t feel he had to laugh, as he did to Murtagh’s jokes, to make his godfather believe he was getting better. He didn’t feel he had to lie, as he did every time Jenny called him, asking how he felt. He didn’t feel he had to hide that he slept the whole time Claire was at work, not to make her worry.

Maybe Claire was right. Maybe this would work.

Next Chapter

#death dreams #distorted thoughts #depression au #love makes me hate the world #gotham's writing workshop #week 37 #jamie x claire #outlander fanfic #outlander fanfiction

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weannoyingbouquetgalaxy-blog1 · 6 years

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right now I'm driving a 2008 saturn aura xe, I'm 17 and my insurance is around 200$ a month. I'm looking into buying a new car. i recent ran into money on the stock market. I'm looking into buying a 2008 c-300 mercedes they go for around 15,000-17,000. will my insurance go up a lot? thanks""

How do i get health insurance?

im 19 years old, im not pregnant, i have no children... im really clueless to the whats and hows im in college, im not no disabled, or blind or anything.. i just dont have health insurance.. i do have a summer job, but its not steady & once i go to school in the fall i wont be working anymore. i know medicaid is good but idk if im eligible, & idk who will accept me... i really dk anything lol. i do know i need health insurance! please help?""

Where can I buy good Health insurance?

Anyone know where I can buy health insurance. Im an independent contractor who needs good, cheap rates.""

""My husband and I are looking for life insurance but dont know the diffrence in term life, accidental and whole?

My husband is only 24 but was just diagnosed with Hep C.

How much Roughly for first car + insurance?

I am 15 looking to start saving for a first car in in the UK by the way. Also I'm talking about insurance for when im 17/18 year old my guess would be around 5-8k for a first car plus insurance? Thanks

Are older cars cheaper to insure?

Unemployment Insurance Florida Notice of Determination . Denied?

I got a Notice of Determination in the mail from Florida Unemployment Compensation. Section 2 states: Benefits are payable because: The discharge was for reason other than misconduct. Section 3 states: The employer is not chargeable since the employment was in the base period. The last job I had I only had for 3 weeks. The job I had before that, I had for three years. Before the Notice of Determination I received Wage Transcript and Determination It says I am eligible and states my weekly benefit amount and when my benefit year begins and ends. My next to last employer is in the base period. I have already received on check for one week. and I am scheduled to claim my weeks for this coming Monday. I went to the Florida Unemployment website and went to the link and put in my info for info about my claim and it says nothing about me being denied. If my last employer is not chargeable and not in my base period, does that mean my next to last previous employer is chargeable, since they are in my base period? I have received no explicit letter saying i am denied. My bottom line question is: does the Notice of Determination by saying that my last employer is not chargeable mean that my unemployment claim is denied?""

Cheap auto insurance in florida?

Best insurance for just passed driver?

i need insurance for my car its a small engine and everything, i'm female and 17, does anyone know the best insurance to get as i know it's very expensive! thanks!""

Does anyone know about ecar insurance?

I found it is cheap, but Is it good? http://www.ecarinsurance.co.uk""

How much does the average person pay yearly for car insurance?

I'm considering buying a 2007 Nissan Sentra or Toyota Corolla. It may be new or certified pre owned.

Why should a healthy person buy health insurance in 2014?

Because Obamacare eliminates pre-existing condition exclusion, why should a healthy person buy health insurance in 2014? Doesn't it make sense to save your money and buy insurance only once you need it?""

What exactly is a car insurance quote?

literally, is it a QUOTE? what is it?! i feel pretty darn stupid for asking this question. but you know, it's annoying the shiz outta me.""

Car insurance help please ?

Basically i have bought a car and i need to insure it as my dad as the main driver as he has 20+ years of no claim bonuses and it bring the insurance price down to a manageable payment for me.the problem is that its not with the same company that my dad is currently with and he doesn't have any recent renewal quotes so i don't have proof of his no claims bonus.how can i get proof and will i need the proof before i try to get the insurance ? im 18 and a first driver so i really need my dads ncb to be able to afford insurance

What are the ins and outs of buying/owning a classic car?

I have been considering purchasing an older car for about a year. I've done a little research during that time and narrowed down what I want. Last week, I found a car that I really like, a '62 Lincoln. However, I have some concerns about having a car like this and wanting to get some feedback from someone with the knowledge/experience/wisdom in this area. Firstly, I am not rich and getting this car would mean borrowing money. My intent was to sell my current car once I have this car to cover most of the cost of the classic. Would that be a mistake? My current car is paid off, so money-wise it would be a question of insurance costs and taxes/tags every year (if I were to keep my current car). Second, the car I'm looking at is pretty authentic, meaning it has almost all its original parts and accessories. Would it be a mistake to modify it? I mean, repainting it (down the road), having the upholstery redone, installing a current radio and speakers, putting on modern-style tires, etc. Will this change its value negatively? I do like the car as it is, but I'd really like to put modern-style tires on it and put in a modern stereo, at least. Repainting and such would be probably 5+ years down the road, if I decided to do this. Probably, I'd want to reupholster the seats before painting it. And, since I am not rich nor a moneyed individual, I don't have a storage place to park it at my place. I mean, I have a garage, but my house is old, the garage is narrow, and I use it as my workshop. If I were to park the car in it, that would be I'd have to pack up my workshop and remove the shelves to make it fit. Do I need to keep it in a garage? Would that be smart? Does it matter since it's intended to be my primary vehicle? I can't think of anything else to ask at the moment, so if you have any other advice or insights, I'd certainly appreciate them!""

Is a mechanical failure covered by an auto insurance policy?

is the cost of repairs for a mechanical failure covered by an auto insurance policy? Example: engine or transmission? I have full coverage on my vehicle

Can I get car insurance for just 3 months?

On medical insurance?

I want to get medical insurance but have no idea where to start or what to even look for. My employer offers medical insurance, which I don't qualify for yet, but want to look into other plans before making a decision. Can I get some links so I can educate myself on this, or can I get some suggestions or information from you guys? Thanks""

How cheaper would it be to insure a v6 99-01 mustang rather than a GT mustang for a new driver?

I want to buy a mustang someday. But i'm only 16 and I dont have a job or license yet. I fell inlove with the 99-04 mustang series. People say that v6 has better gas mileage and is cheaper to insure. The only thing I like the GT for is the loud exhaust. Could I just by a V6 and upgrade the exhaust? would the insurance be higher?

What types of policies have been losing money for insurance companies?

Are property insurance policies in Florida (Hurricane area) still costing insurance companies? Any other kinds?

Cheap car insurance for 28 yr old?

I have a 2003 Grand Am. I've had it for a year. Until recently I had it in my mothers insurance policy. But hers has expired now and I would like to have it put under my own policy. I've had my license since I was 20. I've never had any violations, not even a speeding ticket. What are some cheap car insurance for my situation. I live in Kentucky.""

Mexico and USA car insurance?

Does anybody know a car insurance company that has coverage 15 miles or so miles outside US boundaries? Thank you!

Low Cost Affordable Individual Hmo Health Insurance Question:?

Are there any easy to access resource for low cost affordable individual hmo health insurance? I've looked a little, but found nothing. Any tips, or ideas? low cost affordable individual hmo health insurance sites? Anything you can share would be cool. Thanks""

Somebody help me find cheap car insurance in uk...........?

i am 20 year old foreign student in uk from 2 years....i am about to buy some cheap car with 1 ltr engine which is worth of 1000. but the biggest problem is for the 700-800 worth car they are asking me to pay 5000 insurance........... some body please help me find the cheaper insurance... can you advise me on what basis insurance is counted like age... address so that i can figure out from where to buy insurance.... some extra information:: i don't have any NCB first car I have very new licence in full time education. can afford max 150 per month please guys suggest me some cheap insurance provider....

Where do I find affordable homeowners insurance for home in largo florida?

my insurance with liberty mutual was just dropped.

What if I cause an accident but the car insurance is not under my name.?

Well I hit someone and in my car but the insurance is under my mothers name only.The other driver and his passenger are riding in car that does not belong to both and they are not under the insurance of the car.Sadly the passenger was complaining about a neck injury so they called the cops and an ambulance.What happens then?

How can I get the lowest car insurance payment?

I am 25. I want to buy a cheap car with one way insurance. thanks a lot

How does a wrecked car loan payoff (by insurance company) affect credit score?

I have a car that I have a loan on that has been wrecked. Since the bank owns the car, I have full coverage & insurance is writing it off. They are going to cut a check to the bank for the balance due on the car. I have so far paid this loan on time; it has been rebuilding my credit. When the loan is paid off by insurance, will I get more points to my score since the loan was technically paid off early? Or will I only gain based on my status as paid ontime at this point?""

How much is average home insurance; with a pool?

Muscle/Sports car insurance question...?

Would a 1971 Ford Torino 4 door sedan be considered a sports/muscle car to insurance companies? I am trying to find a way around the muscle car insurance rates while still having a muscleish car. Any other car suggestions would be great.

What happen if I don't pay my car insurance?

I woul like to switch to another company that's going be cheaper, but I was wondering can I just not pay my old car insurance and start laying my new car insurance company, or do I need to finish with all the months that they gave me the insurance card for (it was for 6 months, 3 months left).""

Why did my car insurance go up instead of down after i turned 25?

In November I turned 25 years old. I've always been told the two good things about turning 25 is that I can rent a car for cheaper and I will have cheaper auto insurance. I was excited about this. But when I turned 25, my insurance went up. When I turned 18, my insurance was $80 a mo. I have had insurance since then, I have nothing on my record (never had a speeding ticket, nothing). I've always payed bills on time, and since I was 23 I had full coverage. I've had the same car since I was 23 which is a newer model and nothing has changed with my driving info since I was 23. At age 23 and 24 my insurance went up to $130 a month with full coverage, the same car, nothing on my record, etc... But on my 25th birthday, I went in to renew my insurance. Now since I turned 25, my insurance went up to $210 a month. The woman who gave me my quote said she was unsure why my insurance went up instead of down since I had nothing on my record and I am a valuable customer. She was really confused and has never seen auto insurance go up instead of down when someone turns 25 unless they have something on their record. i payed the price but they are investigating it but as of right now, they don't have any answers. Does anyone know why it went up?""

What medical tests should a 53-year-old man have?

I know there's tests that men should have when they're around the age of 50. My dad hasn't been to the doctor for years because he doesn't have health insurance or a job(he's living with my grandma who's 76). He's resisted going to the doctor and says I'll go once I get a job but he's not really been trying. My brothers and I are worried and some have even offered to pay for a doctor's visit but he's just said no and that he can wait. I'd like to know what tests he should have and how much they cost on average. He's been a generally healthy man, but skin cancer runs in our family and when he was around 40 he had a thing growing on his neck that was some sort of cancer. He had it removed and it hasn't come back but it there some sort of test for things like that? All three of my brothers and I are either English or History teachers and if what my dad needs is affordable we'd all like to pitch in. I know this is sort of scatterbrained- I'm in a rush, so thank you if you can answer this in advance.""

Good Driver Insurance Discount?

Okay, so this is the deal. I have a 3.3 G.P.A. Not bad, right? Well, for one of my classes I actually have an F in for ONE of my Spring 2011 classes. Although I can get the discount, my parents keep hounding me for my transcript and I don't want them to see that F or I'm screwed. Can I still get the discount if I send the car insurance company my trancript from the previous semesters and not my most recent one?""

How much does car Liability insurance cost for you?

how much does car Liability insurance cost for you I was wondering how much does it cost i know every body has a diffent one but what is yours so i have a estimate thank you

Car insurance am I covered?

My 5yr old son got in driver seat and mashed my gas and held it and it blew up my engine.I have full coverage and wondered would this be covered.I know it sounds dumb but its gonna cost me over 3k to fix.

Could someone tell me what is needed to create a car insurance comparison website? Thanks?

Could someone tell me what is needed to create a car insurance comparison website? Which programs would i need to use and to create what part? Thanks for your time

""What is cheaper, car insurance or motorcycle insurance?""

What is cheaper, car insurance or motorcycle insurance?""

Is this a good insurance cost for a teenager for a GTO?

I got a quote from geico for an '04 GTO and it was 175 a month for a 17 year old driver. This suprised me, because I thought it would be alot higher. So do you think this an accurate quote? I put in all information accurately except for my age because they will not give a 15 year old a quote.""

Moped insurance?

I'm 16 and I'm wanting to get a moped. Does the law require that you carry insurance on mopeds? Thanks.

How much would car insurance be a month for a 20 year old driving a mid nineties car?

I'm 20 years old and I've been driving since I was about 17. I currently share a car with my parents and am under their insurance. However I'm looking into getting a car ...show more

Should I tell my insurance company that my car was broken into?

My car was broken into last night, between the hours of 9:30pm, and 7am, just parked in front of the condo we live in. Some things of value were taken, ( estimated around $130, or $150 in value...no damage was done to the car, they must've just picked the locks) so I filed a police report this morning...is this something I should report to my car insurance provider? If so, how would filing a report with insurance help me? I'm 19, and have been driving for a little over two years now, my insurance is through AAA. I have had no previous driving offenses on my record, or anything. (This has never happened to me before, so pardon some irrelevent info, here!) before. Do you recommend I file a claim with AAA, or just let the police handle it entirely? When would I need to file a claim by? (like, a deadline, time-wise.)""

Can I get car insurance for just 3 months?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/oklahoma-insurance-verification-douglas-pearson/"

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