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blackcatanna · 2 years

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Hakuoki: The Tale of the Demon Arms of Horniness Part 3: STILL NO DEMON ARMS?!?!

I am back again to spread my bullshit. I had to take a break in the middle of my last post because I am (allegedly) a responsible adult and I had to spend ages packing up my worldly possessions so that I can finally move into the gothic church LAIR of my dreams next year.

Anyway, that is mostly done and I am on my period so, by LAW, I have to play Hakuoki. Anyway, LET THE BITCHING COMMENCE (one of these days, I am going to do one of these for Saito's route and y'all are gonna see the cold, bitch exterior crumble to reveal a pathetically hopeless fangirl)

I am so happy that I learned how to insert a "read more" thing on my phone. (It's just :readmore:)

First up: some reflection. I feel like a lot of Iba's actions are inspired by his love for Chizuru but I feel like we never get much indication of why he likes her so much. Unlike with the other routes, we don't get to see his love for her grow so much as we go through the story. He's just sooo into her from the beginning and I don't get why because she expresses, like, zero personality in his route (too harsh?)... Like, she won't try the sweet bean jelly, she doesn't want hair pins, she's reluctant to go for a walk with him. She's just so boring. And Iba has so much going for him that he's basically a Mary Sue. He just has a great life until the devs decide it's time for the torture to begin! And then Chizuru just follows him around being glum. At least, that's how I remember things going... I guess I'm just frustrated because Iba had a lot of potential but I feel like the two of them have absolutely no chemistry... Again, maybe I am being cruel to these wee anime sprites and my opinion will change as I continue this playthrough...

Anyway, WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE? Oh, we're with Saito. :) "Wasn't he hot?" Yes, Chizuru, he was

Oh, is this where we meet Sen bae? Omg, I am so not far through this game... Gonna need to stop pausing every few lines to bitch X_X

"Desist, you hooligans!" <3 This game needs more Sen! SEN ROUTE, SEN ROUTE!

"What were you going to do if they hurt you gravely?" Uh, DIED? I guess?

I do like this moment because Chizuru shows some fucking backbone! Good job, queen!

"you needn't be so uptight!" YES SEN, TELL HER!!! I just want to go for a night out with Sen and Kimigiku and have SHENANIGANS. Is that too much to ask? :'(

Ah, Souma: "He's very serious and respectful." Two boring peas in a pod (him and Chizuru, I mean)... At least Nomura is fun!

Souma's hair is so weeeeeird!

"They just wanna play with their corpses." :) :) :) Guys, this is why people like queen Itou think you need to be eliminated!

"Oh, hello, Itou. Hello to you, too, Miki..." THE QUEENS ARE HERE! ALL HAIL!

Itou is always so polite and nice to Chizuru <3

"Would all of you like to join us as well?" See?! He is so nice und friendly other than that time he was an absolute CUNT to poor Sanan :'( (I will not forget that)

"Heh, you sure are a snide one, bro..." Oh, was that just another fucking read? I thought that Nagakura was pretty insightful and knowledgeable about politics and shit...

"Oh my, what could have possibly gotten into you, little brother?" I love these two because Itou always says the opposite of what he thinks but Miki just comes right out and calls it like he sees it and Itou is just left there in despair XD <3

"Please, excuse him, my dears... I apologise." No need, Itou. I love him with my whole heart <3

"Darlings," I don't know how this game expects me to not love this man...

"He's gathering men and having secret meetings. Who knows what goes on during those meetings..." Idk but it's not like they're plotting to create an evil serum which turns their comrades into uncontrollable, bloodthirsty, insane vampires to be unleased onto the streets of Kyoto! I mean, can you imagine such a thing? That would be really bad! But would definitely require lots of secret meetings...

If the og captains are allowed secret meetings about evil shit, Itou should be allowed to have secret meetings about nerd shit! Also, HE LITERALLY (albeit shadily) INVITED YOU! THAT IS NOT A SECRET MEETING! WHAT YOU GUYS DO IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT WITH YOUR UNDEAD ARMY IS A SECRET MEETING. GOD!

"Oh, hello, Takeda..." Another trash queen for my collection <3

Awe, he wants to hang with the cool nerds so bad <3 bless him!

"Ugh... I told him to notify me when they have their next meeting." :'( </3 Itou, be nice to Takeda! If anyone needs to be called darling, it is he! Although, I guess I can understand why no one would want a pain in the ass with extortion as a hobby in their crew... Maybe Takeda is reformed now, idk! Probs not, though...

"I wonder if they're doing this on purpose, so I wouldn't join..." Awe, nooo D': This is so sad! I want to hug the seamonster! This shit is so highschool...

"I bet you anything he wanted to be Itou's lackey, but Itou isn't giving him the time of day." Takeda, the position of "liability" is already filled by Miki.

OOH! IT IS PINK! WHAT IS THIS? ARE WE IN SHIMABARA?! OMG FINALLY! TIME TO BE A THOT!!!

Oh, we're in Sumi! Cool! This pink room and suggestive music still suggests that thottery is possible >:)

"Tonight's on Sano, guys! Drink as much as you want! Forget your problems!" HOORAY!!!

"I'm gonna drink myself stupid!" -_-' Heisuke, noooooo!

"Hijikata, don't hold back; drink all you want, okay?" :) I admire Okita's efforts to get this notorious lightweight pissed :')

"I wasn't sure if it was all right of me, as a woman, to be joining them..." GIRL. LIVE. A. LITTLE. REMOVE STICK FROM ARSE!

KIMIGIKU <3

"For a moment I stared in awe of her beauty, my own sex forgotten." GAY.

"she smiled and it was like watching a flower bloom." GAY.

"Filling up on food'd just be a waste of stomach space!" -_-' CHILD, NO!

"You sound like a bum." He sounds like a student!

"Oh, I can't drink, so I'm just enjoying the food." Yas, girl! Stick to your boundaries! Enjoy things on your own terms (but you are having fun, right?)!

Bless Nagakura for making sure we're having a good time.

(side note: I haven't seen Venom but is this what it's like? A fairly reserved human (Chizuru) possessed by a chaotic trash goblin (me) who screams all the time?)

"Still, it was the first time I'd ever eaten anything expensive..." Girl, you need to go out with Iba more... After all, that's why we're here!!!

"Although to be honest, I couldn't taste much of a difference." Omg, stop bitching. Please, Nagakura, Harada, SOMEONE! Teach this stick in the mud how to have fun. GIRL, MAKE A SNOW BUNNY OUT OF RICE AND SEE IF YOU CAN MAKE SAITO CRACK! WHERE IS YOUR ADORABLE SNOW BUNNY MAKING ENERGY NOW???

"I've heard rumors that the men of the Shinsengumi were like Demons or monsters," Well, yeah... But we keep those ones locked up until we need to use them to KILL!

"But from where I sit you look a good deal more handsome than that. Almost like an actor." Of all people, she should know that demons can be sexy!

"... Yeah, I get that a lot." YES HIJIKATA!!! WERK!!! DON'T PRETEND TO BE MODEST, QUEEN! EMBRACE YOUR HOTNESS!

"Our shared appearance made me feel... Responsible, somehow." -_- ugh, lighten up! This is so stupid.

"Maybe you got possessed " XD Thanks, Okita! Can always rely on you to make me feel better!

"Maybe he was right; maybe I WAS the culprit." OMFG YOU IDIOT CHILD. YOU LITERALLY MET SOMEONE ALREADY WHO LOOKS LIKE YOU. FFS.

"Oh man... I'm just joking, kid." Yeah, these jokey exchanges are no fun when one party is such an irredeemable dumbass.

"Could you not be so gullible? It gets boring if you fall for it every time." PREACH.

"OH! I-I'm sorry...!" AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! >_< IT BUUUURRRRNNSSS!!!!

"She didn't look like the kind of person who would try to sabotage the Shinsengumi..." AAAAAAAAAAHHH HOW CAN SOMEONE BE SO DUMB???

"Something wrong?" Bless Hiji-mama <3

"Pfft, seriously... That fool never quits with his tasteless jokes." YUS >:) DRAG HIM!

Time for some shameless Hijikata thirsting from our heroine...

"Can't have a party without Sano's unique performance!" XD ngl, this shit always makes me laugh!

"You're so honest." Tbf, one of Chizuru's best qualities...

Omg, Nagakura's laughing at Sano is infectious XD "I'm laughing so hard I can't breathe!"

Omg, they sound so pissed...

"Toshi, that is not the way we should look at and speak of someone who's becoming the new shogun." Ah yes, advocating blind loyalty... Let's see how that works out for Kondou... X_X

"Doesn't really matter who the shogun is to us anyway. We're just here to fight for him." Sure, throw your lives away in the name of someone you don't even respect. What a good idea!

"If we do our best, that means the shogun and the shogunate are safe and secure." Could be a good thing to promote peace, I guess... Too bad it doesn't work out that way...

"Kondou and Okita were nowhere to be found." Sure are doing a great job keeping an eye on you...

"If they viewed this as me running away... They would kill me." Okay, this is ridiculous. Kondou is not going to execute you because you got lost in a crowd. Frankly, this is insulting...

Hopefully Iba will rescue Chizuru! Iba ex machina!

"I must find them!" Girl, you know where they're going and you know the way home. Chill a wee bit..."

"I had found myself around a back alley," ....... HOW?!??

This girl cannot do anything on her own in this route...

Omfg, is this slut taking us off on a date against our will? *angry Venom noises*

"I have no intentions of abducting you." ... How reassuring -_-

I feel like the thing which Iba seems to find attractive in Chizuru is her helplessness and it's annoying.

"I was eating the treat he'd offered me," girl, are you a dog now?! Omg, she totally is a helpless little puppy... X_X

"I was so happy." FUCKING FINALLY.

"I've always wanted you to try some." Iba is obsessed with this bland af woman...

"But... Why did you bring me here?" ... HE JUST TOLD YOU??

"Was it really all right?" UUUGGGGHH!!! X_X

"How is Toshi?" Ur bf is fine, Ibs!

"Although I didn't quite remember all of the details myself, maybe our kinship came from the fact that we'd befriended each other as children..." Girl, your guess is as good as mine...

"Iba had an ear for listening," too bad Chizuru doesn't have anything interesting to say, despite all of the interesting events surrounding her.

"Supposedly, Takeda us quitting the Shinsengumi." :O Is he returning to the sea to rule his domain with an iron fist and extract a toll for all unwary seafarers who enter it?

"Yes, according to the story, he received a message from his hometown, and he decided to return home." Awe. I am picturing a large, scholarly seal summoning his long lost master home from the human realm!

"I wonder if that's true..." Well, the version in my head almost certainly is not...

"It seemed as though he had gradually lost his place in the Shinsengumi..." :(

SEN! PLZ JOIN! COME SHOW CHIZURU HOW TO LIVE!

"Hello, who do we have here? He's so gorgeous," And yet inexplicably attracted to us!

"D-Date...!?" -_- Wise the fuck up, dumbass.

"Aw, you're not?" YES, SEN, POKE THIS DENSE ROCK OF A PERSON.

"I've been her friend since childhood, as well." Well, not really, since she forgot you for over ten years...

"As you could tell, I'm a friend of her's." Everyone is putting in so much effort to befriend Chizuru and she just stands there like a miserable lump of potato.

"you do not seem to be someone who will do her harm." Girl, we have met once!

"Have the men of the Shinsengumi been causing you trouble?" Alas, no...

"Everything will be all right..." This relationship is so one sided. Iba is so lovely to Chizuru. He listens to her, supports her, takes her on adventures , comforts her but he's so perfect that there's nothing for her to do for him... No one is like that... And then the game can't even face giving him any kind of personal flaw, so they decide that he's going to be possessed by a demon arm which makes him horny... LET IBA BE HORNY ON HIS OWN, GAME!!! HE'S SO PERFECT THAT IT'S ANNOYING!!! AND WHY IS CHIZURU SO NOT INTERESTED IN HIM? SHE NEVER ASKS HIM ANYTHING ABOUT HIMSELF? WE KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THIS MAN! HE MAY AS WELL EXIST ONLY TO PLEASE HER AND, TBF, EVERYONE ELSE. PLEASE, CHIZURU, FOR THE SAKE OF MY SANITY, ASK HIM SOME PROBING QUESTIONS! ACTUALLY GET TO KNOW HIM. PLEASE. Is this what women are supposed to want? He's like a goddamn love robot...

"He was always beaming with courteousness... Thanks to his words of assurance, I could feel my worries melt away into the soft of his hands on my back." -_- see? Love robot...

"... The fate she carries holds a lot more weight than even she knows." Then maybe fucking tell me?

"What do you know?" Yeah, what the fuck do you know??

"I can't answer that." -_-

"There's a reason for me to protect her." Because it's what you are programmed to do, beep boop.

"... Even if you don't remember it." Omfg, I am so sick of this shit...

"All I could do was blink..." AAAAAAAAAH X_X

HELLO, GUYS, I AM RIGHT HERE!!! MAYBE FILL ME IN A LITTLE???

"What did you mean by that?" GIRL, HE OBVIOUSLY MADE SOME STUPID PROMISE WHEN YOU WERE STUPID FUCKING KIDS AND NOW HE'S USING THAT AS A SUBSTITUTE FOR A PERSONALITY.

"There's reason enough for me that I would be willing to risk everything I am to protect you." IF IT'S MORE OF THIS CHILDHOOD PROMISE BULLSHIT, I WILL SCREAM. IBA, DO YOU NOT HAVE ANYTHING ELSE GOING ON???

"putting one's life on the line to protect someone meant the biggest sacrifice one could make." Ya, Iba, wtf?

"I won't tell you. Why don't you think on it?" Rrrrrrrrrrrrr >_<

"It's not fair for you to constantly make me wait, like you do..." OKAY, FORGETTING YOU WAS SHITTY BUT NOT REMEMBERING THE MINUTE DETAILS OF CONVERSATIONS I HAD WHEN I WAS FIVE IS FAIR ENOUGH, I THINK!!!

"a little payback, if you will, for not remembering our childhood, right?" Bit harsh XD but Iba, you probably shouldn't be so obsessive over someone you haven't seen since she was five...

Omfg, how long were we gone for? I bet Kondou and Okita have been having a shit time while we've been eating castella... This is, like, the one time Chizuru should have maybe been a bit of a stick in the mud but, apparently, she has no backbone now...

"I wanted to see you freak out from being separated from us " XD Okita, you need to find a hobby (which doesn't involve killing)

"Do you have any idea how long I spent running around, looking for you?!" Well, at least Chizuru and Iba are matched in their inconsiderateness...

"Hmm... Quite a while, I assume?" Omfg, Iba has no remorse XD

"Don't act like it's nothing!" Sorry, Motoyama: that's just how rich people be sometimes...

"What's goin' on there, eh Iba?" YES, OKITA! ROAST THE SLUT!

Oh, the slut is scuttling away -_- that's no fun...

"Iba's a sharp cat." Yup, Iba knows exactly what he's doing!

"Huh...?" GIRL, WISE THE FUCK UP. HE SAID THAT YOU WERE TAKING YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO THE NEXT LEVEL. SEN SAID YOU WERE ON A DATE. THIS IS BEYOND IDIOTIC.

Chapter 4: The Cruel and Unjust Murder of a Fabulous Fucking Bitch (in which our heroine finally gets some fucking answers but inexplicably decides not to flee into the arms of Sen and Kimigiku because the murder bois have given her Stockholm Syndrome)

Omfg, this whole scene with Kaoru is annoying af and it's in every route so I am just gonna skip it...

""A useless kid..." He was right." Ya.

"Did you need something?" "... Blood..." :) :) :) Seems fine...

"Huh?" -_-' Okita was so right...

"... No, I couldn't call for help. If I did, then I could risk jeopardizing the Shinsengumi's secret about the Furies!" Omg ur right! And then someone might stop the turning of men into cracked, bloodthirsty monsters! The horror! Guess I'll just die :)

"I'm going to die..." Girl, that's the dumbass choice you made!

"Someone! Help!" Fucking finally...

"He was down on his hands and knees, licking my spilt blood off the floor." ... My little meow meow...

"Eh he he he he! Yes! That! Give me more of your blood!" Ya, I totally agree that we should protect the Shinsengumi's secrets at all costs so that THIS FUCKING SHIT can continue...

Omfg, I love the little scuttling sounds when people are coming XD

"... No hard feelings." Idk what this guy did which made them force him to drink the ochimizu but I would have a fuckload of hard feelings towards Hijikata...

"The excitement was over." Just another fun day with my fun friends :)

"What's going on here?!" Murdery fun times :)

"I've seen that soldier before. I thought he was sentenced to death the other day for breaking the Code..." Ya, this doesn't look good...

Ngl, I can totally sympathise with Itou's perspective XD There is no way to explain any of this fuckery in a way which makes the Shinsengumi look not evil!

"Itou was fuming and screaming." He's so valid.

"My apologies." Sanan, your undead presence is not helping XD

"Yukimura, you step out." Awe :( I wanted to hear how the fuck you guys are gonna spin this! :'(

"I wonder if they'll be all right." Lol, hopefully not. Someone should really put a stop to this shit...

"Would they be able to explain the situation enough to Itou so that he wouldn't freak out?" XD Doubtful... Itou doesn't even support the shogunate so blaming it on them, claiming it's some kind of sacred duty is not gonna help.

"Did you not hear me? I said get out." Useless woman continues to be useless (maybe I should stop bullying Chizuru... She's just so annoying on this route, particularly...)

"You were injured, right Yukimura? How's your injured arm doing?" Fine thanks, bae ;) <3

"he seemed now to be in rather high spirits." He got that good gossip, that's why! :D

"Um... Itou? Has something happened?" "Oh ho ho ho! Would you like to know?" "... Yes." XD "I won't tell you." XD no one tells Chizuru shit!

"What the hell? That's a little cold of you, having that pass for good-bye, isn't it?" As usual, Miki is right and he should say it!

"Saburo. Watch your mouth." Lol, do you think the goryoueiji keep a tally of how many times Itou has to say that every day? LET THE MAN SPEAK! THE WORLD NEEDS HIS TRUTH BOMBS!

Miki Saburo: Bullshit Slayer!

"Both Itou and Miki were behaving rather strangely." Were they, though? I feel like Saito and Heisuke were the ones being weird...

"Who's the one that's been deceiving me for the past three years?" Tea.

"You must remember, however, that last night's incident is a result if orders from the shogunate. We cannot allow you to reveal his secret." Guys, this does not look good! It also makes the shogunate look really bad! And it makes the Shinsengumi look like spineless servants of an evil master X_X

"Allow me to depart. Peacefully, that is." Seems fair enough XD

Itou is being pretty fucking reasonable here... He could (should?) do some serious blackmailing...

"But anyone you wish to take must agree to leave." Imagine wanting to leave an organisation where they make you kill yourself or turn yourself into a monster if you break their rules?

"We're going to keep relations amicable between our two organisations." XD oh, my sweet Summer child...

"I froze upon seeing the person standing on the other side." ERMAHGERD! IT'S TAKEDA!!! Love that for us!

"My heart was startled by the creepiness of his expression." XD This narration is always so harsh to Takeda, I live!

"Iba had suggested to me that it was best not to find myself alone with Takeda," GIRL, JUST YOU WAIT! THEY BE PROPHETIC WORDS.

"I found him antagonistic time and time again, so I couldn't help but feel uncomfortable around him." Valid.

"I don't plan on doing anything to you..." Hmm... Do we trust the seamonster? The seamonster looks sad. Hug the seamonster?

"I couldn't really take him up on his word," XD sensible.

"It wasn't like I could just pretend he doesn't exist," idk, everyone else seems to be doing a good job of it. Points for Chizuru for being a better person, despite being much more vulnerable than everyone else!

"Well, I figured that this'll be the last time I see any of this stuff, so I was just standing here to soak in all of the memories I've made." :O awe! :'(

"Takeda looked close to tears," :'O Takeda, noooo! Somebody hug him, stat >:(

I didn't expect to be so sympathetic towards Takeda, ngl. Perhaps it is because I too am a lonely bitch... I always find myself attracted to lonely characters... That's why I want to hug Takeda and Miki when everything falls apart and they are all alone and abandoned :'(

"Suddenly, I felt the way I did when Saito and Heisuke left as well..." Awe :'O

"he marched on as if he was pushing all of his feelings aside for the sake of pride." ... Fucking MOOD.

Omfg, Takeda, you shady biatch! What the fuck are you sneaking about doing? XD THIS IS WHY NO ONE LIKES YOU, YOU DUMBASS XD

He just wants to do one last CRIME! For old times' sake!

"as he tip-toed" omfg I want to see that so bad XD

Takeda, y u heading to where the furies are so close to sundown? My man, you are gon' get EATEN! I guess he doesn't know much about this shit, huh?

Takeda did not get eaten.

"We need to tell Toshi what just happened when he returns, and have him deal with it..." Uh, no, we need to fucking do something right NOW, before Takeda gets away!

"I could see him being able to leave Kyoto" ya! Sensible Chizuru is best Chizuru!

YAS! GET HIM! Not sure if sensible or reckless but this'll surely be SPICY >:)

"With that said, I ran out of the compounds." :') So proud of this chaotic queen! This is how my first DnD character nearly died...

"Takeda, please wait!" X_X Girl, no! "He didn't stop." No shit. -_- "Rather, he'd started to jog," XD bye, bitch!

"I noticed there weren't too many other people around..." Girl, you are so dead XD if Iba doesn't show up, you gonna be fish food!

"I'm going to assume this isn't a normal farewell..." OKAY, CHIZURU, LISTEN TO ME. THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY YOU'RE GETTING OUT OF THIS ALIVE! DECLARE YOUR UNDYING LOVE FOR HIM, EMBRACE HIM AND GRAB THE SHIT OUT OF THOSE DOCUMENTS. THEN, SHOVE HIM IN THE RIVER! Or you could just keep up the love charade until the Shinsengumi catches up with you...

"It seemed like he was under the impression that if we were to speak alone, he would be able to get out of it," well, yeah... What are you gonna do? He could kill you in a second!

"he walked towards me." So long, cruel world...

"Or... Was there something you wanted to ask me?" C'mon girl, this is your chance! SEDUCE HIM!

"Ask..." THIS IS YOUR CHANCE AND YOU'RE BLOWING IT!

"he was closing the distance between us..." YES, GOOD, NOW IS TIME FOR FLIRTING!

"... Stop playing dumb." Uh-oh... :(

"The Shinsengumi is keeping secrets from everyone, even the captains." True. And BOY are those secrets fucked up :')

"His glare locked with my eyes, and my entire body started to freeze up." Uuuggh, c'mon! We can do better!

"I was doing my best to steady my resolve," YES, GOOD >:)

"It's not like that..." It most definitely is!

"Takeda looked as if he couldn't be convinced," correct of him...

"You are completely useless as a swordsman, and yet you've been appointed to a prestigious position," yeah, that was a really stupid idea...

"... I have no idea what you're talking about." Chizuru is terrible at gaslighting, despite how extensively she practices.

"I see, you're playing dumb, yet again..." Yeah, Chizuru, what is the plan here? This shit isn't convincing anyone...

:O He has the ochimizuwu!

"I gasped, and Takeda smirked as if he'd won." Honestly, he won the second Chizuru settled on her grand plan to play it dumb.

"If I bring this to the Itou faction, there's no way they'll disrespect me like all of you have!" ... Could work. I feel like Miki and Itou will disrespect anyone anytime, though...

"What is this stuff?!" Tell him so he can use it to barter in exchange for friendship XD This is still kinda sad, ngl

Oh, I guess we have the option to attempt the ol' grabby grabby or continue our famous potato impression...

"I can't let this man take possession of the Water of Life." Unlike the Shinsengumi who only use it for good, wholesome reasons... Of course, we don't want Takeda to have it, either, though... Grabby grabby time?

"I used this moment of distraction while he was in the middle of his monologue." XD Classic villain mistake...

"I took out my kodachi," omfg, I was not expecting that, precisely..., "and I charged at Takeda." Omfg XD and neither was he! His expression right now is excellent! He looks very pretty, though.

"NANI?!" XD Now he has a sweatdrop and everything XD

"Takeda tried to parry my strike, but my movements were just a hair faster." OMFG YAS GIRL! WHO'S A USELESS SWORDSMAN NOW, YOU GIANT, FLOOFY SEA ANTAGONIST!

"I suppose he didn't think I'd attack him." Girl, no one saw this coming but I am so here for it XD

"My swing had just barely grazed over the chest of his kimono." ... Ah... Points for effort but we are definitely gonna die now...

"Damn, how dare you!" It was just a little attempted murder! Chill out!

"He had become visibly frustrated by this," yeeeeeah, that's fair...

Chizuru is now fair game to murder X_X

"I watched as a blinding flash of light reflected from his blade," ooooh, "and it was swinging down towards me." AAAAH!

"Ahhh!" XD

"blood spurted over the both of us." Slippery...

"Takeda stood above me, wearing a sadistic expression as he smirked gleefully." Good for her. Tbf, Chizuru did attack first XD

Omfg why does he look so pretty right now X_X Is it too late to switch to the seduction plan??? X_X

He is SHOOK by Chizuru's freaky healy powers >:) luckily he also looks pretty when he's shocked!

Omfg, he thinks she's a rasetsu and is gonna take her to Itou as a present XD Love that for us! I actually really want to see this play out! Iba can rescue us later! Right now, I wanna go with the pretty evil man :D

"Oh yes, this is good." Yes, this is good :)

"Come with me! I'm going to use you to make a name for myself!" Uwu! Is this a meet cute? This is basically how Stardust started and it ended with them getting married..

"No!" :(

"Stop it! What are you doing?!" Go away, Iba! There's a fantasy rom-com situation developing here!

"Iba! What are you doing here...?!" Yeah, what the fuck is he doing here?

"Takeda, upon the sight of Iba, looked almost deflated," Don't give in, queen! I believe in you! "but his petulance grew once more." XD love to see it! Evil triumphs once again :) That being said... Iba is about to absolutely fuck him up... I'm gonna root for the underdog even though I remember how gruesomely this ends...

"You like being a killjoy, don't you?" Yeah! You tell him, Takeda! >:D

"Let go of her now, or else..." You'll what? Chop his arm off?

"Or else, what?" Omg, dude, you do not want to find out, trust me!

"I'll do this!" Oh boy... Here we go >_<

"the two began dueling in front of me." TAKEDA NO! UP YOUR VILLAIN GAME! DON'T RELEASE HER! USE THE WOMAN AS A HUMAN SHIELD! FFS X_X

Welp, that's the underdog's advantage gone... Guess I'll just sit here until Iba sufficiently fucks him up...

"After peeking behind Iba, Takeda smirked." The fuck are you smirking about? O_e

Takeda, now is not the time to start monologuing. I know you're a villain but there is a pointy, angry, stabby man in front of you. Kindly give him your full attention!

TAKEDA, STOP! I KNOW YOU WANT TO IMPRESS IBA AND YOU'RE STARVED OF HUMAN CONTACT BECAUSE EVERYONE HATES YOU BUT THIS IS ONLY GOING TO MAKE THINGS WORSE! IBA IS A GOOD BOY! DO NOT POKE HIM! IF YOU DON'T MAKE HIM ANGRY, YOU MIGHT LIVE!

When you're a villain, I guess the urge to live < the urge to monologue -_-'

"He continued to talk without waiting, or even caring for that matter, about our responses." XD he learned this in villain school, I guess...

It's kind of sad that he didn't know Sanan was still alive, since Sanan was the only one sympathetic towards him :'(

"You love to let that imagination run wild, don't you?" Gaslighting: The Game, "It suits you more to author cheap pamphlet literature than to be a swordsman." HONESTLY, I can see that for Takeda! I bet he writes excellent smutty wartime romance novels, too! He can publish them alongside Hijikata's terrible poetry :')

Oh no! He just used the "m" word :O

OOOOOOH! Iba does not look happy! Takeda, you FOOL!

"I speak the truth. She's a monster." TAKEDA, DON'T DOUBLE DOWN! LOOK AT HOW PISSED HE IS!!! HE WILL CHOP YOU UP! D:

DON'T ADMIT THAT YOU JUST CUT HER!!!!

Iba, you need to fucking chill... This is creeping me out slightly... I'm not offended by this ginormous queen!

"Oh, did you not know? Then I'll show you." TAKEDA, READ THE GODDAMN ROOM. I guess, if he could do that, he might have some friends, huh?

"I heard Iba's screams and the sound of flesh being split apart." Ew.

"Blood had splattered over all of us," Ew.

"then suddenly everything went black." ???

"I slowly cracked my eyes open." XD That's why shit went black?! You closed your eyes?!

Wow, Iba looks hella pissed. I guess Takeda attended Miki's reading classes...

"an expression of fury and rage unlike anything I'd ever seen." O_e Iba, it's nice that you stopped Takeda stabbing me but it's kind of annoying that you get so offended on my behalf -_-

"next to his feet was a detached right arm clutching a blade " O_e Dude, wtf?!??

"What the...?!" That is... the chillest reaction to having your FUCKING ARM CUT OFF!!!

IBA, YOU MUTILATED THIS MAN!

"I won't allow you to harm her any further." Okay, Iba has gone from "love robot" to "berserk robot" FAST. This is very, uh, like one of those dystopian stories where a robot is given one job and it carries it out to the extreme. That's how this feels. Iba is not a character: he is a Chizuru protecting and nurturing machine who happens to like dessert. He probably needs the sugar like Adam Jensen needs cereal to power his cybernetic components...

"I sensed what seemed like a near-murderous conviction through Iba's aura." Chizuru the Instagram witch cleverly taps into her psychic powers to deduce that the man who literally just chopped off another man's arm with a sword is feeling "near-murderous"

"It wasn't the Iba I had come to know..." Iba, where was this energy when Kazama wanted to kidnap and impregnate her? I guess his core drive doesn't come into play unless she's threatened with being stabbed?? But her having her hands blown apart is fine, I guess... Maybe Iba just doesn't like Takeda and wanted an excuse to chop him into bits...

"Do you still want to fight, Kanryusai Takeda?" Uh... Can he? Is not gonna, you know, BLEED TO DEATH??? Takeda seems surprisingly chill about all this so far XD

"Y-You bastard...!" Takeda, you need to go to a hospital X_X

"Takeda was drenched in the blood sputtering from where his right forearm used to be." Yeah, that ain't good... Blood is for the inside! "He looked like an oni... straight from Hell." UH, SAYS YOU! Iba's bs is getting to you, huh?

"Never before have I swung my sword with the intent to kill someone, but... If it's you, I wouldn't have to think twice." XD Damn, he really does hate Takeda. Well, Takeda, you're finally special to someone! Hooraaaayyy....

"Iba's eyes burned with righteousness," ugh, hate it when they do that -_-

"Takeda, who trembled from the loss of his limb and his pride." Dude's gonna pass out O_O

There's something which really gets me about people's limbs being chopped off. It's so sadistic. Like, you're torturing someone by deliberately taking away something precious and irreplaceable that's part of them, knowing that there's no way they will ever fully recover. And I know that Takeda was going to hurt Chizuru and I probably wouldn't blame Iba that much even if he straight up just murdered Takeda... Actually, idk, she tried to stab Takeda first so does that make her fair game? And he wasn't going to kill her... Anyway, Iba could totally have ended this fight in a non "life changing injuries" or murdery sort of way if he had actually wanted to and, if he had, the onslaught of pain and misery heading his way would not be so bad. Like, Takeda is barely even a threat (until now)!

"If I drink it... This injury will be nothing!" Well, you won't DIE but it won't regrow your fucking arm!

"Takeda!" Oh, now you're worried about him?

"I was about to run up to help him, but Iba grabbed my arm as he scurried away indignantly." O_e Daaaamn, Iba! Iba could be more sympathetic to people who aren't blessed with the same advantages he has -_-

Is Iba one of those annoying people who resent miserable/depressed/unfortunate people for unconsciously making them feel guilty about how great their lives are?

I feel like Iba has written this annoying af fairytale in his head, starring Chizuru, and anything which threatens to divert from that creepy-ass fantasy is gonna cause him to blow up.

"It's better if you don't get too involved. He won't last long in his condition." Cold.

"With shaky fingers," Iba, I feel like you have traumatised this girl way more than Takeda would have!

"Are you all right...? I'm sure that was a little frightening." YA THINK? Meanwhile, his arm is just laying there... O_O

"How is your injury? Let me see it." NO. GET AWAY FROM ME.

"I couldn't bear to look at him, and I pulled my arm to prevent him from seeing it." YES GIRL!!! AWAY FROM THE SCARY ROBOT WHO CHOPPED UP THE PRETTY EVIL SEA MONSTER!

"My injury already healed." Yeah, stop fussing, robot man!

"Just as he said... I'm... I'm a..." Omfg, girl, get a fucking grip! Who the fuck even cares that he was calling you a stupid name! I know you have childhood trauma or whatever but you should try and own this shit instead of letting Iba tell you that you're "normal" as if that's something either possible or desirable. "There stood Iba, wearing the same kind smile that hadn't changed since we were children." ... Next to a severed arm and a fuckload of blood... Omfg, I just had a Thought: what if the reason that Chizuru subconsciously suppressed her childhood memories with Iba is because he murdered the children who called her a monster! He does give major serial killer vibes! I can legit see this happening...

"You may not remember this, but..." Either we already discussed this or he's about to confess to child murder...

"When we were little, you showed this to me." I SWEAR we did this already? When Shiranui shot her hands and she hid them from him?

"This was the first time I'd ever had trouble controlling myself when holding a sword." Is this supposed to be romantic? It still feels very robotic and serial killer like to me...

"It was my fault..." Omfg, it is so not your fault. Iba fully could have not cut off Takeda's arm!

"I... don't want you to do anything dangerous..." OH HONEY, THAT SHIP HAS SAILED! THE PAIN TRAIN SHALL SHORTLY BE ARRIVING, COURTESY OF ANGRY SEAMONSTER RAIL.

Maybe Takeda (spoilers) survives because the water is where he belongs, because he is a seamonster...

"I want to make all your wishes come true," should be simple, since Chizuru seemingly doesn't have any...

"I've come to rescue you guys!" Are you gonna help us fish out an angry seamonster? Or are we just gonna leave him for dead?!?

Are we just leaving Takeda's arm on the bridge? XD

Well, they tried to look...

Okay, now the looooong exposition with Sen... I love her but this is boring af so I will skip through this, I think...

I do enjoy Harada telling Nagakura to look at Kimigiku's face instead of her tits but I don't need to read that because I remember it VIVIDLY

Ugh, just leave with Sen. It's not like you've spent much time bonding with the Shinsengumi.

Yada yada, Kazama attacks, is annoying and grabby, Shiranui and Harada are flirting, Hijikata and Kazama are flirting, Chizuru is curled up in a terrified ball...

Harada is so sweet! I need to do his route (but children squick me out)

I'm skipping a whole bunch of stuff here that's Iba irrelevant... Here we go! Iba stuff!

"Iba daintily dabbed a napkin on his lips," I still think he's got serial killer potential...

Once again, Ryouma Sakamoto, the invisible man is mentioned. I need to do his route to see how they shoehorn him into the plot...

"However, due to certain political pressures, he was considered untouchable in various parts of Japan." These boys are so upset that they can't just murder whoever the fuck they want without consequences X_X

Such drama over the assassination of a man who's been 100% irrelevant to the plot until now...

I guess we'll be too late to do anything since this is where he dies, historically. So this kind of feels like a waste of time...

"Sakamoto died on the scene," yup, "and Nakaoka... He survived, but judging by how he looked, probably not for long..." :'( thus, never fulfilling his destiny as pioneer of cape-based fashion :'(

Why was Chizuru even there?

Of course, Iba is using this as an excuse to take her away and feed her XD

Ah, sweet romantic river memories <3 like the time Iba chopped a guy's arm off for calling Chizuru a monster... :')

"the shogunate's power is crumbling." Oh goody... X_X

"I began to panic internally." Understandable... O_O

"Iba, you're an official guard of the shogunate. Why would you feel this way...?" It's called independent critical thinking, Chizuru -_-

"A Hatamoto, like me, or some of the lower-ranked vassals, aren't prepared for an actual war." Who is?

"You have the Shinsengumi" unfortunately for them, yes... -_-

"I'm sure Toshi will fight until the end." Alas, yes :'(

Tbf, I've given the Shinsengumi a lot of shit for shady doings this playthrough but I do actually kind of love them all with my whole heart (way more than I love Iba, sorry). Actually, Okita's kind of a dickhead. He still has a special place in my heart, though. Whereas Iba feels like a poorly integrated oc (sorry) rather than a fully rounded character...

"Get out of Kyoto as soon as you can." I am enjoying how this is explaining clearly how dire the current situation is for the Shinsengumi and friends.

"Or have you already forgotten about the time that I was almost killed by Takeda?" Bitch, when did the seamonster ever even come close to stabbing your ass?

"What's fine?" Good point, Iba... None of this is fine. Almost everyone is going to die!

"Because of these powers, maybe I could be of some use to the Shinsengumi." It took you how many years to think of this? Anyway, it's too late now, hun! Shit will soon be hitting the fan!

"If you're going to be hurt, I'd rather be there in your stead taking the wound." Well, that's not very fair, is it? How come Chizuru is the only one who has to watch her loved ones suffer? These fucking guys...

"I can't bear to see you in pain..." Then go somewhere else -_-

"No matter what anyone says, you're just a normal girl." ... This is starting to piss me off... I AM THE HEAD OF THE YUKIMURA CLAN! WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEING DIFFERENT???? DENYING IT IS STUPID AND INSULTING BECAUSE IT SHOWS THAT YOU WON'T ACCEPT THE TRUTH OF MY IDENTITY. WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEING A DEMON? WHY CAN'T YOU JUST ACCEPT THAT??? WHY DO YOU WANT DO BADLY FOR ME TO BE NORMAL? It doesn't matter. Saying it will not make it so.

"I could sense warmth welling in my chest" -_- is this better or worse than being told, "you're not like other girls"?

Iba is the Valentina of Hakuoki: if some fact doesn't fit with his French vanilla fantasy, he denies its existence

Ugh, I am so over this. It's half 4am and I don't know if I've conveyed why this is so annoying to me articulately but there it is ^

"Boy, you sure do love worrying me, don't you?" OH BITCH, YOU FUCKER! HOW DARE YOU MAKE MY FUCKING PAIN AND PROBLEMS ALL ABOUT YOU! YEAH, I'M REALLY FUCKING ENJOYING CONTEMPLATING THIS FUCKING WAR. I'M TALKING ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF ENDANGERING MYSELF TO HELP MY FRIENDS JUST TO MAKE YOU WORRY. UH HUH. EVERYTHING IS FUCKING ABOUT YOU, IBA.

"Fine." FINE >:(

Omg, we're fully just brushing over Itou's assassination and Saito's return, huh? And Kazama attacking? AND Heisuke becoming a fury... Coolness...

Here comes Sanan to try and steal our blood! Side note: I LOVE the AGGRESSIVE eyerolling that he does in Souma Hen when Hijikata tells him not to slice up Chizuru :')

"Plz may I have just a crumb of delicious, nutritious blood?"

"The Fury Corps's a bad idea. A REALLY bad idea." OMFG FINALLY. Thank you, Nagakura!

This Harada stuff is great but I'm gonna save it for his route playthrough... Kind of want to do Sakamoto next, though, because I have no idea how that'll play out but mostly because I want to spend some quality time admiring Nakaoka's cape lewk

Chapter 5: THE DEMON ARM OF HORNINESS! IT IS HERE BUT IS IT HORNY YET? TUNE IN TO FIND OUT BECAUSE I DON'T FUCKING REMEMBER. (In which Iba's slicey actions have dire, poetic consequences)

FUCK IT, IT'S 5AM BUT I AM FINISHING THIS. >:( (hopefully)

"send the sick one, too." Omfg, Hijikata, please do not let Okita here you referring to him as such!

"Once you'd contracted it, all you could do was rest, hoping that you could do whatever it took to stave the disease's progression until..." Big oof. They should weaponize him... Biological warfare Anna, no, that is incredibly fucked up...

"You have a visitor" OMG WHO COULD IT BE??? :O

"I wondered who the third person could be..." Girl, you are not genre savvy.

"Why do you have that confused look on your face?" XD I love it when people call out Chizuru's idiocy! And I love grumpy Hiji-mama!

"WHAT? Me?!" -_-

Kinda wanna see what happens if I refuse to go... I doubt it'll be interesting, though, so I'm just gonna do what the guide tells me...

"My heart sank like a heavy stone in my chest" wow, she really is not into Iba AT ALL, is she?!

"More than anything, though, if I take her with me, she'll probably resent me." More than anything, huh? War is literally breaking out right now. People are injured and sick and that's the most important consideration with regards to this situation?

"You let her get to you, too, huh?" BURN THE WITCH!

"Guess I just can't win with Edo women." Hijikata, she will literally do anything you ask.

"You know, Toshi, other than the women of Hino, I never thought I'd meet a woman who could break you down." Where the actual fuck is this coming from? I am CONFUSED.

"... Hey, shut it." Yeah, Iba, you're talking gibberish.

"I don't think the war's gonna happen." O_O

"... I have faith we'll be fine." O_O

Okay, I need to do Hijikata's route because I love this bitchy man and I want to PROTEC >:)

I think I understand why some say that you should play Hijikata's route last: the more I play this game (and watch stuff), the more I love him.

"Toshi, please take good care of her." K. Bye!

"Man, such a prick..." I feel bad but, the more I play Iba's route, the more I agree with Okita here (even though I know he doesn't mean it)

"Now, some pussy who can't even swing a sword is carrying me." Omfg Okita! REMEMBER THE MIKI SABURO LAW OF THROWING SHADE! It's only a good insult if it's true! Shade comes from reading!

"... You're sure you want to stay?" Well, no, since I am playing your route and you are fucking off. But all my favourite characters are here so yeah, I guess...

"If I had my wish, I would have you with me. Even if it meant by force." WOAH. O_O Nope. Tbf, Chizuru staying here is pointless af but Iba, you really should not say this stuff out loud...

"he drew me closer to him, almost forcefully." O_e

"Promise me you won't die." Believe me, I am not keen to die!

"I shouldn't have listened to you." >:(

"I must do whatever it takes not to break his heart." Awe! Finally some self awareness <3 We love to see it!

Welp, lover boy is GONE! Now what?!

"It only took one gunshot for war to break out." :O

Awe, look at Yukimura over here being useful and doctory! Yes queeeeen! :)

"Are they really Japanese if they won't let us eat our seven-herb porridge in peace?!" Ffs XD This is why I love Nagakura!

"From what I'd seen, the fighting must be horrible..." Yeah, I bet that she sees some really horrible stuff as a medic... "The soldiers were covered in soot from head to toe." ... Is that it?!

"Is everyone safe?" "We are not your concern. Tend to the wounded." -_-' but are you wounded, though? Please tell me -_-

"I was looking after the maimed men that seemed to pour in." Ah. There it is :'(

Even in Iba's own route, he's so set apart from the rest of the story that he's not even here... And he still hasn't made any demon vow... He just feels so detached from the dramatic plight of the Shinsengumi...

"seeing him entertain the idea of defeat seemed like something that was impossible for a man of Hijikata's experience to swallow." I feel like, the more experience you have, the more prepared you should be for defeat... You win some, you lose some. Knowing when to admit defeat is extremely valuable...

"All troops, retreat!" Yas queen <3

Awe, Sanan looks happy! He was right to trust Hiji-mama!"

"I'd like you to gather all documentation about the Furies and deliver it to Osaka Castle" hmm... Could we "accidentally" set it on fire, I wonder?

Tbf, I do want to be able to look after Sanan and Heisuke properly, though...

Omg, I want to read this document with the recipe! Does it involve demon's blood??? If so, where from???

"Inoue, do you think everyone else made it out safely...?" Chizuru, I know he's a better dad figure than fucking Kodo but there's no need to ask him stupid, childish questions that he has no hope of answering. Okay, that was too harsh. Sorry, Chizuru...

This had better be Iba...

Oh no! I know that silhouette! THE EVIL EGG IS HERE! FLEEEE!

STAY WITH BEST DAD, CHIZURU! BACK AWAY FROM THE EGG MAN!

IF HE HURTS INOUE, I AM GOING TO KICK OFF!!! >:(

"... My, how beautiful you've become." Given where his story goes, this is CREEPY!

"Where were you all this time?" Yeah, the fuck?! (But also, Chizuru, you probably do not want to know... But you need to know so that you will run from the egg!)

"I was taken captive" ... Was he? Hmmm... -_-

"What if you were caught up in all this needless violence and someone were to hurt you...?" Hmm... So far, so reasonable... I STILL DO NOT TRUST THE EGG, THOUGH!

"Unfortunately, I have no intention of going to Yodo Castle. Actually, you won't be going, either." Oh boy... Here we go X_X

"What father said had seemed a little strange," GIRL, RUN! I totally get why you are not but this egg is baaaad!

"The pieces weren't adding up," YES, CHIZURU! OVERCOME THE COMPLEX EMOTIONS SURROUNDING THIS LONG AWAITED REUNION TO ANALYSE THINGS LIKE A QUEEN AND MAKE GOOD CHOICES!

"Inoue stepped in front of me, guarding me" :') Best Dad! Inoue, be careful :'O

"*Gasp*!" - Jocelyn Foxx

"I sensed someone was standing behind me." Omg, the fuck?! So creepy!

OMFG IT'S TAKEDA?!? HOW DID NOBODY NOTICE THIS GIANT SEAMONSTER APPROACHING???

He looks so chilled out XD

"I heard that you had passed away after suffering a serious stab wound." Takeda, if you hurt Inou-bae, I am going to be so mad D':

"Yes, I am alive... Thanks to that old man, I have been saved." I am now picturing Kodo with a giant net, cackling like Smeagol, fishing for half-dead samurai to perform evil experiments on...

"What...?!" Inoue, smile! Takeda's alive! His glorious purplish hair remains! Celebrate!

"Father had saved Takeda's life?! A man who called me a MONSTER," OMFG GIRL, you need to get the fuck over this already. People are literally dying, IBA CUT OFF TAKEDA'S FUCKING ARM and you're still upset because this idiot called you a name? Yes, words hurt, feelings are valid, blah blah but this is just so infantile... Also, how would Kodo even know this about Takeda?

"Nothing can hold you back now." I WILL BITE YOUR FUCKING FINGERS OFF IF YOU DON'T WITHDRAW THEM RIGHT NOW!!!

"Yukimura, can you trust Kodo?" HELL TO THE NO!

NOOOO! INOUE, PUT AWAY YOUR SWORD! THEY GON' HURT YOU D':

"Time for you to go on ahead." Nooooo! Inou-bae! We can flee together D':

"It was as if he didn't expect to come back with me eventually." Noooo! How come Inou-bae doesn't get ochimizu??? :'(

YES GIRL, RUN!!!

"... Good girl." And in that moment, Inoue cemented his place as the One True Dad :'( <3

XD I love how much taller than Kodo Takeda is!

"Bet ya it's an animal, or something." Not an animal, a MONSTER! (rawr XD )

Girl, your life is in danger! Kindly pause the romantic slideshow!

"Iba had always shown me tremendous kindness, and he seemed to want what was best for me." ... Sounds kinda like she's looking for a dad replacement already... Although, I guess these are very important bf qualities, too...

"Every ounce of energy left in me was leaving me," damn, guess I'll die...

Oh wait, the boyf is here! "A pair of warm arms caught me delicately." Is this... Heaven?

"The shogunate army has fallen almost everywhere," ... Ah. Oh dear.

"why are you by yourself?" :'( :'( :'(

OH FFS! HOW IS THE FUCKING EGG HERE??? HE DOESN'T EVEN LOOK TIRED! THIS IS SO CREEPY AND HORROR MOVIE ISH!

"You sure have grown up." IGNORE THE EGG, IBA! HE IS EVIL!

"Mind handing my daughter over to me?" ... Subtle... -_- Kodo could be devastating if he was better at deception...

"Iba became immediately suspicious of Father " Good boy! :3

"Out of the darkness emerged Takeda, like a ghoul summoned from the shadowy mist." X_X XD Once again, the Takeda descriptions are both shady and excellent!

"I have been waiting for this day!" Honestly, fair...

"... Y-You're still alive after what happened to you?" What, like an "act of god" more like, after what you did to him, Iba! You fully cut his arm off and left him to drown/bleed to death X_X

"'Still alive?' No, I have been resurrected! Why, you ask? So I can kill you!" Good to have goals :)

"Takeda laughed maniacally," he's levelled up his villain game, I see! Love to see it!

Pointy fingers :)

"Your arm! You have an arm again?!" Iba, there is a sword heading towards your face right fucking now, of course he has a fucking arm, MAYBE TAKE YOUR SWORD OUT AND DEFEND YOURSELF!!?

Okay, good job!

"Na... ni?!" Oopsie, chopping him made him stronger! Shouldn't have lost your temper!

"I SAW Iba cut Takeda's arm off!" He got better, okay?!

"What the hell... I know for a fact that I cut your arm off..." Honestly, I feel like you should be congratulating him on his miraculous recovery...

"Does my arm bother you that much?" Not yet XD but it will...

"Takeda smirked sadistically, his eyes gazing down upon Iba as he broke into laughter." Hmm... It's nice to see him kinda happy for once but he seems a wee bit crazy...

Lol, Chizuru! But late to be getting flashbacks to Sanan telling you, "I suggest that you do not provoke him any further." BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, NOW HE'S FINALLY FUCKING SNAPPED, GOOD JOB GUYS!

Should have fucking listened to Sanan...

Oooh! Long, snowy white hair :D

"Takeda wore a confident, menacing grin." All I see is a very pretty face <3 Hey, maybe if Iba was more interesting, I wouldn't get distracted by Takeda!

"Is this man... REALLY my father?" Well, yes and no... Point is, he's a creep!

"I was unable to replace his arm with a human's" oh dear... I bet those experiments were a fun time...

"This is... my Demon's arm!" ... o_o Hello, Takeda's Demon's arm...

"Takeda flexed his right arm, which was wrapped in thick, bloody bandages." ... Niiiiice -_- Where the fuck does one even find a random demon arm? I guess you can't get one just from any demon, right? Because it's a special magic (horny) arm and there's only one other (guess where that fucking ends up...)

"As the bandages were torn off the arm, we all witnessed the gruesome abomination that was placed where Takeda's arm used to be..." UM, EXCUSE YOU! HE HAS SICK TATTOOS! HE IS WEARING NAILS 2 DIE 4! WE STAN!

"This can't be..." I mean, tbf, Iba, your route only gets more fucked up from here, soz (should have listened to Sanan bae, my dude)

"Ha, I'm a changed man." For the better, right? :D .... For the better, right? :O u gonna stop doing crime, right???

"I'm powerful now. Reeeeeeal powerful. So powerful, I'm unstoppable!" Oh dear. He crazy. Iba, I blame you for this, just saying!

"You're just a dojo bitch!" Omg, Takeda has been taking shit talking lessons from Kazama!

"Iba, watch out!" No shit -_-

"You're like a newborn turtle crawling out of water." Takeda, your seamonster heritage is showing...

"It was clear who's strength was greater." Oh, how the tables have turned... Was Iba right to stop Takeda doing crime? Absolutely! Should he have taken every opportunity since then to use his superior social status and swordsmanship to undermine and humiliate (and then maim) Takeda... Eh... Maybe not. Not saying he deserves what's coming but he could have been a better person, I think...

"Takeda's technique better resembled a wild beast's." Again with the shady comparisons :')

"What'll you do if you're sucked in?" Die?!

"Come to think of it, you cut off my arm. Just like THIS!" Ah, sweet revenge :)

"Iba! Please tell me if you're alright, Iba?!" Girl, look at that boy's face!!! Does he look fucking alright?!

"His left arm was sliced open, leaving what looked like a severe disfigurement." Hey, it's still attached! I guess that's good... Ish?

"The bone was snapped, and his flesh and muscles were torn apart, oozing blood on the rocks..." Yeeeeeah, that's... Baaaad...

"I'm surprised he hadn't fainted from the shock." I'm surprised Takeda didn't faint when Iba cut his fucking arm off...

"He wielded such incredible courage and willpower to maintain consciousness--it was almost godlike." Okay, calm down.

"Take that, Hachiro Iba! Doesn't feel too great, does it?!" Well, he would know... I feel like Takeda handled this better, though XD

"Takeda sneered over Iba, laughing to himself." ... Well, at least someone is having fun X_X

"Sounds like you want me to cut off your right arm too, is that it?" As a fury, I feel like the smart thing for Takeda to do here would be to drink Iba's delicious, nutritious blood instead of chopping more bits off of him but what do I know?

"Or... do you wanna be just like that little beast over there, too?" O_e What does that mean??? I don't like the sound of that! Takeda, what are you planning?

"I... still have my right arm." Iba, now is not the time to be pointing these things out ..

"Even if you took my other arm and both of my legs away..." Iba, maybe don't give him ideas, yeah?!

"The tender glow of nostalgia began to sparkle inside of me..." Don't care.

"This was so anticlimactic." XD Takeda, you dramatic bitch!

"What a sight to see someone so dedicated to a promise he made, even on the verge of death." Girl, you can have him, I just can't seem to get into this...

"You should be ashamed of yourself!" Well, being a shit is Kodo's whole deal and I think he's doing a very thorough job of it!

"I can only assume you are well-prepared to accept the punishment." Omg, I want to see Sen and Kimigiku murder Kodo so badly...

"I will be dealing with you." YES, KIMIGIKU! GET THE SEAMONSTER! "You will receive no mercy from me." Yes queeeeeeen!

"I'm not sleepy at all." Girl, you are going to DIE. SLEEP.

"I need to speak with you, if you have a moment." But sleeeeeep!!!

Way to fail at having a secret conversation about Iba, guys...

"Oh no, Iba... Are you going to be okay?!" Sure! Just like Sanan was okay when he lost the use of his arm!

"... I apologise for that." Ew, emotions! Jk, emotions are sexy! More of those, please!

"My inability to use my sword does not mean that I am no longer a warrior." We stan a well adjusted queen!

"If I end up losing my right arm, I have my legs and mouth." ... An image of Iba kicking Takeda to death just flashed through my brain...

"So, had he been able to regenerate his arm after being severed, or did it regrow...?" Boi, were you not listening?!?

"However, my story is a rather long one." FUCK... guess it takes a lot of waffle to make The Demon Arms of Horniness make any kind of sense...

"she turned like she'd heard something" uuuugh, what now?!??

Lol, that was close... Just realised I was on 1% battery and I haven't saved this shit in a while...

"That angry Takeda fellow" XD fair enough, he is that!

"a battle with a neighboring clan of humans resulted in the then-current Demon Lord to lose both of his arms." As one does...

"Attaching this arm, it was said, to any creature, especially humans, would result in untold catastrophe." Hmm. Sounds bad. So why keep them?

"I hadn't told you then, and I should have," ffs X_X no-one tells me nuthin'!

"he was creating a new generation of Furies to sell off to domains." Slave vampire army, goody...

"Somehow, he was able to steal the Demon's arm which had been guarded safely by our clan for ages." Probably only because no one wanted a stanky old calamity inducing arm!

"Why had father done such a thing?" Fuh teh evulz! 3:D

"many Demons were killed..." Wow, Kodo. How does one become such a cunt, I wonder?

"I want power..." Iba, no!!! This is how Takeda became so fucked up X_X You got defeated one time and this is what happens???

Oh ffs... I knew this would happen but there's still part of me that's incredulous when they pull out the horny demon arm and suggest whacking it on Iba X_X

I feel like this is maybe trying to fight fire with fire... The world maybe does not need more demonic sword bois...

This arm does everything the writers need: it justifies Iba nit being involved in the Shinsengumi plot, it lets him be horny without being horny and it makes him able to fight Takeda!

Is there nothing in the stories about the arm making people aggressively horny because I feel like that is important to mention...

"I am sure that the demise of the shogunate army is inevitable... So, for me, there is nothing to think about." ... You really don't give a shit about anything but Chizuru, huh?

I mean, where is the conflict?

"I think being human is overrated anyway." Thank you, that is much nicer than aggressively insisting that Chizuru is "normal"

"Some kind of weird, healing monster!" When you say it like that, it really does sound dumb as fuck...

"Is it so bad to be different than other people?" Babby Iba best Iba!

"If anyone makes fun of you, I'll beat them up!" ... And thus, the killing spree began...

"If it means I can spend another day looking into your beautiful face, I will forfeit my humanity." ... Entirely unnecessary! Girl, tell him you won't throw him in the garbage because his arm is damaged!

"Please, for me, my love." Omfg, this escalated so quickly...

"My love for him" oh, so you love him now?!

Takeda did a good job of a non lethal takedown on Kimigiku! Maybe the horny arm is against the harming of female demons ..

"Too slow, dumbass!" Takeda, don't ever change <3

"Na...ni?!" Yeah, how the fuck did Iba just now attach that fucking arm to himself? What happened to his old arm?!? Did he chop it off? When?!?? THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?!?!

"Takeda's eyes were wide with shock." Ya, same...

"W-What's with your arm?!" -_- Takeda, dude, come on!

"Why are you asking such a foolish question?" Tell him, Iba!

"puffing his chest and arms up confidently." Iba, this macho shit is part of the reason we're in this mess!

"Yes. Just like you." You guys should be frieeeends! They have more chemistry than Iba and Chizuru (but that's not saying much...)

"The difference between you and me is that I've invited this power unto myself willingly." ... And inadvertently forced it upon Takeda... Is that the point you're trying to make? It doesn't make you look good, Iba!

"the way, we use these powers will be for separate purposes." Nooooo! Team! >:(

"Do you want to die from your own stubbornness?" I would never go as far as to suggest that Kodo is good for Takeda but this is a good point here...

"next time we meet I'm slicing off that pretty head of yours." Uwu! Second date! Iba, Takeda thinks you're pretty! Tell him he's pretty too! He must put so much effort into his hair! Kindly acknowledge it!

"They killed Gen," NOOOOOOOO :'(

"Yeah, he's gone. It wasn't pretty..." O_O What does that mean???

"I'm fine, ignore this undead, bandaged demon arm attached to me!"

"Lord Yoshinobu bitched out and fled to Edo" <3 can always rely on Hijikata to phrase things so eloquently! That's not sarcasm, I think his use of language is exquisite!

"Please, keep our secret safe for me." Omfg, please do not say such things where people are listening!

Frends :3

Final Chapter: THANK FUCKING GOD

HOW IS THE YAM?!??

"I wanted to say goodbye before I left for Edo." BITCH, THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?!?? YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO FIGHT IN THIS WAR AND YOU VOWED TO PROTECT ME SO KINDLY STAY HERE AND HELP US HUNT DOWN THE EVIL EGG AND TAKEDA!!!

"It was expected that Takeda would have wanted to exact revenge on me..." Yas! Don't let dumb girl blame herself for more shit!

God, Chizuru's eyes are fucking enormous.

"Please stay with me, even just a moment longer." You could, you know... Not leave?!

"What had gotten over him...?" Oh no XD could this be the eponymous hero of our story finally taking effect! Watch out, Chizuru!

Yada yada, romantic stuff... I am too tired for this shit and I don't feel the chemistry here at all...

There, done! Sorry, Iba, I short changed you at the end, certainly. You were saying some lovely (and creepy) things but I could not summon the energy to care, honestly. Can't wait for Edo Blossoms where they really double down on the WEIRDNESS!

#hakuoki #kyoto winds #hakuoki ramblings #iba hachiro #takeda kanryusai #omfg I am so tired #this was a terrible idea #sorry iba fans #i just don't like his route #blah blah blah

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furry-emblem · 3 years

Text

You know what, after talking about how biases and stuff mess with 3H discourse, I'm going to go over my biases and personal experiences with each major faction leader because I feel like it. I don’t really want people arguing with me on these, but I would like to hear other people describing their experiences with these characters because that’s always interesting to read about. I'm listing the characters in order of how much I liked them.

Byleth

Also known as erotica, keyboard smash, Sothis, another keyboard smash, BoobBoob, and Boobama. I really dislike them. I’ve never been particularly fond of silent or self-insert protagonists. At best, they signal to me that the game isn’t going to bother with its story or character writing (and that’s fine when that’s the case), while at worst, it’s the writers taking the most important character in the story and then throwing their hands up and saying “we don’t need to write this one.” Byleth feels like the ladder and it’s to the detriment of pretty much everyone around them. Like, even considering that silent protagonists are supposed to be characters that the player projects onto, Byleth doesn’t do a good job at this because there’s enough canonical descriptions of them that you can’t really roleplay, but there’s so little going on that they don’t stand on their own two feet. So it’s like having a piece of cardboard dictate the fate of the country. They also primarily function as a wall for characters to exposition dump their backstories onto, which isn’t very interesting to watch. Like, 3H would have been better off without Byleth in it. 0/10.

Rhea

I just haven't had the chance to see a lot of her stuff, so I think I'm missing some of the stuff that makes people like her (and I'd prefer to not have that spoiled for me). Haven't seen her supports or the Church Route, but she just hasn't left me with a good impression. I don't like how possessive she gets of Byleth. Like, it creeps me out a little. I'm also a bit disappointed that you never get to play as her. I want the pope to bitch slap people (except not my people). I remember her being an antagonist in CF felt kind of forced to me when I first played because her reactions felt a bit silly. The problem wasn't whether they were justified or not, the problem was lack of context given and the fact that she was saying stuff like "You will BURN in the PITS OF HELL" while standing perfectly still and making this face >:(. And I just couldn't take that seriously for whatever reason because it felt cheesy and I didn't really understand what was going on. It also soured any endearment Rhea showed towards Byleth to me on future routes because her actions in CF gave me the impression of her being obsessive and controlling of Byleth. Like, she acted entitled to their loyalty, expected them to be something they never asked for, and flipped the fuck out when they rejected. It reminded me a lot of some abuse I've gone through and it made me dislike the character. Now that I have more context on the character, I get why she reacted so suddenly and violently because CF kinda threw all of her triggers at her. It feels like she dug her grave in that route, but she dug it in a way that resembles a Greek Tragedy more than anything else. My second route was Claude's route, which thoroughly disappointed me in terms of its writing. When Rhea was exposition dumping her backstory, I was like "I'm boooored," so that really didn't help my opinion of the character. I also don't really like how she gets damsels in three out of four routes. I still don't actively like the character very much because she left a really sour taste in my mouth, but I understand that I'm missing information and that there are reasons to like her. I'm open to learning more about her, but she just really rubs me the wrong way.

Yuri

I never finished Cindered Shadows and I have no real opinion on Yuri. I thought he was a girl when I first saw him and I think he's fun to play as in gameplay, so I guess there's that. I don't really see myself replaying Cindered Shadows if I even finish it because it lacks a lot of the major things I liked from 3H.

Seteth

Does he even get to count? Like, he's not in charge and Rhea should've probably been the leader of Silver Snow. Haven't played that route yet. I like Seteth. He's got good dad energy and also he's my wife (specifically in Verdent Wind). He's got good vibes. Also, if you kill Flayn in Crimson Flower, his English voice acting when he's like "Flayn Noooo" gets to me. I still really like Seteth. A solid 8/10 for me.

Dmitri

I wasn't following Three Houses advertising at all, so I didn't know anything about anyone going in. I was originally just going to skip him entirely because he looked boring and had shitty hair. So I did his route last. Partially out if curiosity for the character, partially because I might as well do every major route since I'd already done Claude and Edelgard, partially to get to know some of the Blue Lions, and partially because some of Edelgard's backstory is only revealed in this route and I was curious about that. Dmitri's route definitely has the best writing out of any of the routes. I really like how personal the route is and how much it focuses on how one specific event impacted all of the characters in it. There are some big problems I have with the route and Dmitri, like how the game uses psychosis to represent Dmitri being murdery and how him changing his mind felt more like Byleth's decision than his own due to their conversation being pretty bad. But overall, he has the best writing. I'd strongly recommend playing through his route if you haven't just because the writing's rather good there. The reason why he's ranked below Claude and Edelgard, however, is pretty simple: I just don't vibe with him. Like, the hero archetype bores the hell out of me, even when it is subverted like it is here. I also just didn't relate to the character on really any level while I did with Claude and Edelgard. The amount of Edelgard slander in his name also annoys me, but I don't think it really impacts how much I like Dmitri. He's a well written character that I just don't vibe with. I also remember his death in Verdant Wind and being like “wtf was that??” Like, the writers killed him offscreen.. twice. In the same route.

Claude

I really enjoyed Claude as a character. He left a good first impression on me and I almost picked him for my first playthrough because he’s hot and sassy. Two good traits for any character. I ended up picking Edelgard, though, and he left a good impression on me during CF. I like that he held the alliance together and had a contingency plan for if he lost that battle. When I played his route, I ended up going Hard Mode NG+ Casual and I stuck everyone on a dragon. I did find it funny that throughout the school phase, Claude learns bow stuff repeatedly, then in one of the last months, he went up to me and was like “hey, can you start teaching me in axe and flying?” Which he had nothing in either. Then timeskip happens and he comes waltzing in on a dragon. Claude is where all the good memes in the fandom go. That said, I really disliked his route because Claude felt like an afterthought in it (because he literally was). I don’t like that I got out of the route and it felt like I didn’t know as much more about the character going out than I did going in. Some of that is because I didn’t see a ton of his supports, which is where pretty much all of the character work is. I like how Claude is open minded and actively tries to seek out the truth. So, overall, I found his route a bit disappoint but I still really like him because he’s a fun character.

Edelgard

I fucking love Edelgard. She was my first pick and therefore the character that introduced me to the game, and by extension, the series of Fire Emblem. I picked her because she’s pretty, she looked ready to fistfight god from the word go, and she seemed like the mascot of the game so I figured the writers might put a bit extra effort into her route (they didn’t, rip). My very first playthrough was actually a Normal/Classic run, but I had to abandon the run because literally everyone died four hours into the save (I swapped to Normal/Casual). Edelgard ended up carrying me through my first playthrough. I stuck her on a dragon and she killed literally everyone and everything. In my most recent playthrough of the game, I did CF and made her an archer mage dancer for the memes and that was also a ton of fun to play with. Her gameplay feel had a role in me liking her (like, Dmitri is also very powerful, but it was my third playthrough and I knew what I was doing better by then, so him being just as OP as Edelgard didn’t really influence my opinion on him as much as it did her).

Besides the gameplay, Edelgard’s probably the major character that I relate to the most. Every character on this list (except maybe Byleth or Yuri, I know literally nothing about Yuri tho) has experience with trauma and is coping with it in some way. Edelgard copes by villainizing herself and shutting off her emotions, but despite that, she’s still a low-empathy person who’s still very compassionate person who cares about others and is trying to do the right thing. She also generally tries to express some amount of compassion to her enemies, even if it’s little more than saying “it sucks that Dmitri had to die.” She’s not as open-minded or as truth-seeking as Claude is, but she still tries to keep herself open to other viewpoints and will readily accept any she deems as valid at a moment’s notice. I just really like that about her because I share a lot of those traits in common with her. I also like the idea of her being someone who’s willing to do evil things to bring good to the world. That’s not something you normally get in a protagonist and I think that’s a cool idea.

I still found her route to be very awkward, especially with no context. Like, I missed the line where Edelgard’s like “yeah, btw, I’m the Flame Emperor,” so I was just wondering what happened there. It’s an anticlimactic way to end the main plot of the first half of the game. I also didn’t really get Rhea’s angle at all. So the route just felt a lot like “I guess I’m doing this now??” In other routes, I found her deaths to be very hard hitting. The death in Verdant Wind only really got me because I really liked Edelgard and she was my original student and I could feel how much she wanted to make her future a reality and how her failing meant all of those sacrifices she made and the evils she’d done would now all be for nothing. I get that impression with Azure Moon’s ending too.

Most of my appreciation for the character does come from her support conversations. I like how her chain with Bernie has her trying to learn how to not scare her off. Her interactions with Dorothea in their support chain are kind of sad because Dorothea is trying to show her admiration and love for Edelgard in a way that makes sense to her but then Edelgard’s low view of herself causes her to reject the offer. I really liked her Manuela support too (haven’t seen Hanneman’s but I’ve heard that it’s good). I like how with Manuela, Edelgard learns why people are religious and she that being religious doesn’t make you weak. I like her Linhart support where he calls her out for trying to dictate his life and she responds by trying to overhaul some of her own systems and assumptions about him, which leads to her giving him a role to the empire that also properly accommodates for his needs. I like how with Ferdinand’s supports, he has to learn to let go of their rivalry, but once that does happen, Edelgard takes into account his ideas and roles with them. I think it’s funny that she and Hubert flirt with each other by sending each other credible death threats. Edelgard just has a lot of very good supports. Don’t get me wrong, Claude and Dmitri also have supports that are good (I thought Claude’s support chain with Petra was cute and I really like Dmitri’s support chain with Flayn), but Edelgard’s supports go a long way to paint her as someone who is flawed but still really admirable.

Edelgard is definitely one of my favorite fictional characters, and I’d love to see more characters like her in the future.

#fe3h #fe3h discussion #byleth #rhea #edelgard #claude #dmitri #yuri #seteth #I feel like seteth is less of a leader and more like Byleth's and Rhea's retainer #but whatever #I like all of the three major house leaders #byleth and rhea are the only two characters here that I dislike #and with rhea there's a heavy dose of ''i haven't formed my entire opinion yet''#i think i'd like rhea better if I could make her punch people in the face #like that would be a pretty strong motivator to get me to play silver snow #dick slam rhea would be the mvp of life #a solid meme capable of maybe even outmeming claude in my eyes

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