i feel so stupid every time i take a test in this stupid fucking class.

thursday the 13th-

i'm amazed that some people get out of 1 relationship and immediately get into another- and that relationship is THE ONE. i can think of a few people. i was thinking today how amazing it must be to find your person so fast.. like a miracle, some kind of universal magic.. the GODS must be smiling on these people. and then there is me.. did i miss my window of opportunity.did i take too long trying to figure my life out, which i'm still currently doing and have no idea if i'll ever have it all figured out. i'm thinking probably not. was i not supposed to take time and heal,,, again still doing this too- i'll probably spend a life time doing this too AND i was hoping for a partner to heal with- someone willing to do the work and support me while i do the work. have i been too picky? should i have latched on to someone so i'm not alone? i should have fucked the guy who said all women are crazy- he knew how to kiss. i see things through the lens of my past. it's possible i don't see things the way the truly are. with each new guy i meet i do learn more about myself- a good thing. the last 2 were nice. another 1st date this weekend. i've lost count at this point. i know nothing about this guy. or rather very little.

i went to therapy today. i did NOT hit 100 on the bench press. 87.5 x5x3- seemed easy- hard but easy. squatted 175- heavy. better than last time. felt heavy. Kika is amazing. Next week i'll be able to go 2x- at least i hope to be able to go 2x. tomorrow i'll run. i've been struggling with my runs during the week. i swear it has something to do with the pollen. the last time i went for a run my throat became so dry. it's probably all in my head. Madison keeps saying i'm not running right- apparently she knows how to do it. she wont run with me though.

I need to chill the fuck out at work- literal heart palpitations. i need to chill out period. i need to start medicating myself - not at work but when i get home. i never heard from HR in regards to my drug test. i'm going to assume i passed. i got word that Joe G wanted me to text him- this was about 2 weeks ago. i might-could be a good time- then again i really have no desire to bad mouth the people i am currently working with. BUT again i'm sure would be fun to see him- he never did me dirty and i would be curious of his version. I did promise myself i wouldn't bad mouth certain people-1 person actually- i dont like him- BUT i did and continue to learn a lot from him- BUT he's a moody fake prick- who just so happens to do his job well- and i know 100% he did not like Joe G- 2 clashing egos- ANYWAY- Good night

    Dating Diversion

tagged by:  i stealened this tagging:   @lcvebound | @coronabane | @floweremojilost | @healinglorenz

Dating Strengths:

1. Adventurousness - 83.3% 2. Sense of Humor - 57.1% 3. Financial Situation - 53.8% (what) 4. Confidence - 50%

Dating Weaknesses:

1. Appearance - 88.9% (LMFAOOOOO) 2. Temper - 87.5% 3.  Selfishness - 81.8% 4. Limited Interests - 55.6% (what)

Dating Strengths Explained :

Adventurousness - You are willing to try new things and be spontaneous. You want to get out there and really live, and you will attract people with a similar love of life.

Sense of Humor - Men are attracted to people with a good sense of humor. Be sure to put yours on display!

Financial Situation - You've got your financial situation under control, which is a very desirable quality. Be careful to avoid men who are only interested in your money. (bill has no fucking money the fuck he lives with he gottdamn mom and leeches off her)

Confidence - You are sure of yourself and confident of your abilities. Displays of confidence go a long way when attracting a date.

Dating Weaknesses Explained :

Appearance - Devoting a greater effort at making good first impressions is a must. Try to be fit and develop a style if you want to catch a man's attention.

Temper - You need to work on controlling your temper. Don't let your anger get the best of you. A calm and rational persona is important when dating.

Selfishness - You think too much of yourself and your needs. You must learn to put your partner first and tend to his needs.

Limited Interests - Being interested or involved in more things makes you a more well-rounded and interesting person. Try to branch out into new things. (maybe things that aren’t fandom related then????)

Reflection. 4-2-19

Tonight - marks the first day, that I have ever shared some deep, deep poetry with a room full of people I do not know; I did not know one single person in that room and I arrived to the location alone, unaccompanied by a friend. (Looking back, maybe a stupid idea? Haha) It was unplanned. I was studying there and decided to “just do it.” “Fuck it, I thought. What do I have to lose?”  And in some ways, in the back of my head, whenever we make some decisions, we have everything to lose. I entered that coffee shop - slightly moody, tired, and unmotivated to study; but the tones and vibes of the place always motivate me to study, to work harder - and to stay calm. I shared 3 poems total - one about the boy with Down Syndrome (on here), and two other trans related poems- both pretty intense (re: how you see me, and 11-7-2014).  I was nervous and I imagine that’s something I could get past if I wanted to keep sharing my poetry at events like this. I used to get very nervous just talking to people and giving speeches, but lots of college and time has weathered me well. I guess I thought sharing my poetry would feel liberating? That somehow, the deep dark intensity of what I’ve experienced in life would melt through the Earth and turn into something more beautiful?...As indicated by the question marks, I did not feel that. I did not feel that.   I stayed a bit awhile after reading, to listen to other people share.  I’m a big believer in courtesy and I think leaving right after I read would an act of selfishness.  Eventually, I did leave and a bucket full of feelings kind of washed over my semi-nervous being.  Guilt, an awkward surge of indulgent guilt and maybe shame?  For sharing such deep emotions - with power and eloquence- when most people don’t have to go through such things.  I asked myself, “Why did I impose these feelings on others?” A knee-jerk reflex. (Nerve root L3-L4, Quadriceps muscle).  Haha.  Seriously, though.  The only “safe” places for me to share such emotion is on an “anonymous” website like this, in a counselor’s office, sometimes on the phone with a family member,...and on night walks with myself and the presence of my father.  I guess it is no surprise that I feel an overwhelming amount of self-indulgence about a) sharing these emotions and also b) the intensity and depth of them. There’s been a lot of beauty that has come from writing pretty much everyday, but there’s also been a lot of tenderness, vulnerability - which I can handle.  Perhaps at some point, especially with trauma, we arrive to a point of pain?  In physical therapy, we talk about pain so much - nociceptive pain, phantom limb, musculoskeletal, referred - and we do talk about psychosomatic pain to some degree too.  Psychosomatic (which I don’t like this word usage) - possibly the hardest to “treat.” As my post yesterday was pretty heavy-dark-intense, very similar feelings of social isolation/being “alone” (in my context of the word) emanate from me tonight - sitting on my couch, short-clad, fan blowing - listening to calm music, taking some deep breaths. Have you ever cried dry tears?  Tears that come, but no fluid. Since being on testosterone, this is a common thing for me. It’s hard to explain. Often times, mid-way or multiple mid-ways, I get caught up in a Netflix series. I haven’t had a moment that like in the semester.  Partly, I am a) writing and working out more - (choosing more wholesome “well being” activities), but also I am b) really really enjoying my classes this semester -especially Chronic and Progressive (a neuro class) and pediatrics. Before deciding on PT school, I was between 3 professions - a) counselor b) a nurse and c) a physical therapist (in no particular order). I chose not to be a counselor, because I felt that working so closely with other people’s emotions would spark my own - in a negative aspect. I wouldn’t be able to keep myself safe emotionally and mentally.  Sometimes, I think I regret not being more open to the career?  It’s a mixed regret. After working in an ER for 5 years now, and seeing how *some* physicians treat nurses, I knew it wasn’t for me.  Once again, maybe I could have learned to go on autopilot - some?  <<I don’t think that’s possible for me.>> Haha (if you know me) Here we, are - option c.  I like that my future career affords me the ability to a) use science-based techniques and principles to help someone reach their goals - some of them very visible when they reach them b) moments to offer mental and emotional support (while not the crux of my job) and c) neurologically, an avenue for recovery, compensation, and prevention (there are terms we use in my neuro class).   It’s the fundamental science aspect of counseling - rehabilitating neuro patients; (Re- I firmly do believe that psychology is a science.)  A physical therapist is helping their brain literally make new synaptic connections. A PT is helping a patient believe in themselves - sometimes learning a completely new way to do something.  Sometimes, these goals can be met in relatively brief treatment sessions - sometimes, they takes weeks and weeks of long treatment sessions.  Regardless, I’m in and I’m devoted....and that brings me such inner motivation and joy to know that this could be so rewarding for me. (Re- my second full time clinical is in an inpatient neurological setting). When I was 13 years old- the semester after my dad passed, we had to write an English paper about “how if we could go back in time, how we would change something.”  It was like a creative paper based on past facts. I recall writing a paper about how I would have gone back in time, drove my parents’ car to my dad’s house, and got him to the hospital - for emergency care.  I remember rereading that paper as a high schooler and being amazed that little 13 year old Jordan understood - on a fucking deep level - what suicide was and how serious it was. When I was 15 years old, I thought I wanted to study English in college. My father had a Ph.D. in theology, my mother has a Master’s in Divinity and my stepdad does as well.  Smart fucking family, that loves words and God- basically. Haha.  I recall despising my English sophomore teacher; she was strict, she cut the room with her strained voice and constant frown.  We constantly had pop quizzes and she loved to remind us how hard it was to get a college scholarship unless we worked hard.  I felt the need to impress her?  Maybe?   We had to write a research paper our sophomore year; it was the first “research paper” we would do in our high school career.  I wanted to chose something that was interesting and meaningful to me, but at that time - I hated most science things.  What did I chose?  I wanted to write about Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs) and their impact on teenagers who were suicidal (re: increased risk of suicide during first few months of taking).  I recall my crabby uptight teacher looking at me and my topic and saying, “Are you sure you want to do this?  That’s pretty heavy.” All I did was nod, and say, “Yes.”  I laugh at that 15 year old kid; despite my overly shy, diffident personality, I knew what I wanted when I wanted to do it.  My mother stands by the same statement.   I suppose the reason this came up organically for me, is because suicide is more common than we realize.  The number of patients that come into the ED with suicidal thoughts- is a lot to say the least- of all ages (as young as 9 years old and up to 80+).  And, I and you, don’t have to be a mental health counselor to help someone.  We don’t have to go through a Master’s / Ph.D. program and get a license to be a positive influence on someone. Forms of trauma -> Brain injuries, Spinal Cord Injuries, unexpected neurological illnesses that occur for the myriad of reasons we don’t completely understand yet. The weight, the gravity, the intensity, damn.  Then, THEN - teaching them how to stand up again, how to use the toilet in a new way, how to get dressed, how to walk with these weird ass crutches (aka Loftstrands), how to not give a shit when you’re out in public (easier said than done), helping them understand what’s going on pathophysiologically without being a fucking robot.... I picture my father holding my hand and telling me to keep going...   because it’s so weird to be this close to being done with PT school - 1 year left (mostly clinical) and still have moments of such emptiness.  I guess I thought the feelings of “being alone” and feeling empty wouldn’t be *as bad* or perhaps less intense?   .....My mother says, “it’s an ebb and a flow.”  This is the one phrase I like, because having kayaked the whitewater rivers of the Earth and rafted, I identify with it so much (there’s really a literal meaning). there’s been so much ebb my kayak barely floating on this dry river, running into rock upon rock, the bank of the river is many feet worth inward, because the river and i     haven’t seen rain / for so long, “flow, flow, what is flow again?”, my heart asks. flow shouldn’t have to equate to working my ass off to get an 87.5 on a neuro exam, flow - organic, raw, rooted flow in the world we call “life” should bring moments of downpour happiness, excitement, connection so much of artificial flow is motivating myself, someday hoping i can find flow outside myself #oldsoul-lostmillenial

Some snacks

I fell off the wagon completely the last week, so I went and bought some food for the next week:

Mott's unsweetened applesauce: 50cal/pack

Sugar free vanilla pudding: 60cal/pack

Sugar free cherry jello: 5cal/pack

Instant oatmeal, unflavored: 100cal/packet

Progresso Lite soups (Rotini and Chicken & Barley): 70cal/0.5 cup, 140cal for the whole can

SmartPop popcorn: 100cal/packet

Canned peaches, no sugar added: 35cal/0.5cup, 122.5/whole can not drained (drained, 25 per serving and 87.5 for whole can)

Canned artichoke hearts: 25cal/0.5cup, 87.5 cal for the whole can

Including the plastic cutlery, bowls, Diet Coke, and diet rockstar, the whole thing was less than $30. Fuck yeah.

Plus I still have some white cheddar rice cakes (45cal each) and buttered popcorn rice cakes (35) waiting for me at work.

Got some detox tea, SlimLife blueberry green tea/cinnamon apple, some plain green tea, and some senna in case I need it.

Endless coffee is available for me at work but I should have gotten some K-cups, damn it.

My whole day tomorrow is shaping up to be 335 cals if I stay in control, and then two days of fasting after.

Bonus: Swai fish filets are 70cal/4oz filet and steamed broccoli is 25cal per cup. I used to have 170 cal dinners before I started restricting again and it was literally one fish filet and 4 cups of broccoli. Most filling damn thing ever, and is one of the greatest ways I prevented binges. Basically binged on veggies. Probably the only way I'll get through Effervescent.

Wish me luck.