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amommytobe · 4 years

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-A Little Introduction-

Welcome to week 12 of my pregnancy.

I have to say, it's been a lonely journey so far. Although I had a few friends to talk to, being pregnant means you're alone in your own pain, body changes, insecurities, doubts and worries. Before being pregnant, I thought the first few weeks of being pregnant would be the most exciting, but as it turns out (in my case atleast), the first trimester has been ONE of the most difficult things I have dealt with.

My very first symptom was a missed period, but what really caused me to take a test was the extreme dizziness and food aversions I felt the night before. Was I expecting to see 2 lines? Nope. Did I believe it after 1 test? Nope. Was I totally confused, nervous, and out of this world excited after the 3rd positive test? Definitely.

I'm a 22 year old woman who, I feel, has been through hell and back about a thousand times, and who I can almost say has EARNED depression, anxiety, and PTSD. This trimester has tested my patience, my mental strength, my will power, and definitely my tolerance for pain.

My name is Izzy and I am pregnant with my rainbow baby. ❤🌈

-First Week of Bad Symptoms-

When I first found out,

I felt great with just a bit of nausea and dizziness. Then the dreadful 8th week came along. Now at 8 weeks I went for my first ultrasound (yes, I cried), but that same week the symptoms got much worse. I had no cravings at all, just food aversions. I threw up maybe 5 times in total so far, but I dry heaved so much that I spit up blood, I even started getting some pretty bad heart burn at 8 weeks. I had really bad cramps, to the point where I could barely walk, really bad back pains to the point where I couldn't walk, and I was only able to get about 3 hrs of sleep at night, if I got any. I was pretty depressed to say the least.

'Most women dont experience all this pain until the second or third trimester... right? Or was I given the wrong impression that every pregnant women has the same timeline...'

I had to stop taking my medication cold turkey. This medication was for anxiety, depression, sleep and appetite. Now, the withdrawals that come with stopping this medication are terrible. Along with the nausea from the pregnancy, was the nausea from the withdrawals. Along with the heart palpitations from the pregnancy, was panic and anxiety attacks from the withdrawals and my own mental illness. Along with the hormones from the pregnancy, was the sucidal thoughts from my mental illness and the withdrawals. My flashbacks got more intense, and more frequent. I haven't been able to sleep, and I have barely been able to eat. I have now lost 12 lbs in the first trimester.

I am now exactly 12 weeks pregnant, and I still do have all of those symptoms but they are less intense (thank God).

-The Positives!-

Dont get me wrong, this is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, and I wouldn't take it back if my life depended on it. But, with all of the pain, and the toll the first trimester has taken on my mental health, it would be easy to just give up.

But I wont. This pregnancy has already changed me for the better. I pray everyday that me and my baby will make it through this, that we'll be ok. I'm wondering who my baby will be, what great things they will accomplish in their life, I think about how the first flutter will feel, the first kick, and how it will feel to hold my baby in my arms for the first time. This baby has given me every reason in the world to keep going, to keep being better than I was yesterday. I feel that i have been through so much and all the pain I have felt in my life gave me courage and wisdom. I was forced to learn how to love myself even when I felt I had every reason to hate myself. I have so much to teach my baby. So much love to pour into my baby, and even though it has been a TOUGH first trimester, it only made me stronger and made me love this little human inside of me 100x more.

-Why I'm Here-

Pregnancy is confusing. For alot of women it's easy. Simple. But what not enough women talk about is how hard it can be on you emotionally, physically, and mentally. Not many women talk about how even though, deep down, you are beyond happy to be growing this angel inside of you, it can be hard to enjoy pregnancy at all at certain times. Many people fail to talk about how much pregnancy can effect someone with an already mental illness so much they want to give up, time and time again. People forget to mention how alone you can feel, the questions from not knowing what you're doing, the question of whether or not you feel a connection to the baby growing inside of you, and how that doesn't kick in for every pregnant woman the second they find out they are pregnant. That's why I'm here. I'm here to talk about the good, the bad, and the in-betweens of pregnancy based on MY experience. And I hope that my posts can reach a few people who can relate, and who are not sure if how they are feeling is normal. We are all different, we all experience happiness in a different way, as we all experience pain in a different way.

The only way to know that we are not alone is to talk about it.

God bless every pregnant woman.

You are all QUEENS and will be amazing mothers ❣🌹 no doubt about it

#pregnancy #pregnant #blog post #positivity #support #first take

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