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damagedsmile · 4 years

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//Hullo hullo everyone, just flying in here with an update & I apologise for taking so long about it.

So its been a tough time for everyone with C-19. Ireland is going into another lock down. I hope yall are taking care & regardless of your opinion on the matter, I hope yall are being respectful & safe.

Life has been abit topsy-turvy for me. Im learning that grief is just a series of moments where, when you least expect it, you spontaneously combust with tears. Ive had good days but a lot of days where it do be just hanging on by your nails & wondering when the rabbithole ends. So basically I'm at a point where I really don't know how I'm going to feel the next hour, the next day... yanno. I've had moments where I feel ready to return here & do something small but that feeling always changes to the opposite; I'm being careful with discerning what is a manic whim & what is real. I think that's a very important skill for anyone in this position or with mental health issues to learn, so im learning something new this past while.

I have not been able to write anything or draw for months now. Its very frustrating & depressing in itself as I am a creative person & often feel smothered when unable to create. I just have no energy or ideas & am very resentful of myself for feeling things that disrupt my hobbies. But I know i need to feel & go through this so am not pressuring myself. I'm focusing on keeping myself clean & fed & practicing good sleep hygiene; once I can master these three fundamentals, I can focus on other things.

Its funny, I think, that life experiences can alter you so much that you forget how to be human in that you find yourself forgetting to eat & unable to perform daily self-care routines & unable to show love towards those you know you love dearly. To sum it up, I think its fair to say this is the lowest point of my life & its been both horrible & eye-opening. I feel like a burn victim, without skin, everything hurting & tiresome & feeling seperate from myself & my former life. In that same perverse way, that part of me is abit thankful for c-19 because it means I don't have people coming close to me & hugging me & generally being sympathetic: I find im loathing that behaviour now. I don't want to be the person whom suffered a great loss that everyone needs to comfort, I just want to be a person that people treat like normal.

I opened the door the other day to a Traveller woman trying to sell me bedsheets & she said "ah take that, it'd be a grand present for your ma" to which I said, "my ma's dead". It was easier to say than I thought it would be & it was actually a relief to say it & receive a fumbling apology, "I'm sorry, my ma's dead too." I appreciated that more than receiving a hug or a pat on the back. Not that a stranger would do such things, but yanno. We had a moment like saluting each other & I bought pillows off her, the end.

I hope I'm making sense. I hope no one takes offence to this. This is just my feelings, my journey. I've been calling myself a child of grief, making this journey to a port in a storm where i can start a new life on that port & begin anew once I've shed this old skin thats dried out from salty tears.

I've been playing TS4. I started the Asylum Challenge on medium difficulty. I have Joker there ofc with 6 others. I did have 8 Sims but Jared Leto died in the pool (he went for a swim instead of sleeping ffs). We've had 1 Asylum baby that was adopted away for obvious reasons. Currently Enoby Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way is trying to get with Rob Zombie's creepy twin, Bob Zombie. Joker is hitting it off with my Sim whose aesthetic is inspired by Emilie Autumn. I called her Kathryn Wheel cuz of the torture device/HIM song.

I got two rat kittens for Valentines Day (not sure if I've told you before). They're Fancy Rats but with blue colouring, which I've never seen before in breeds. I called them MizPah & BoBoBetty. The Precious got a new snake, a BEL he calls Helvita but i call her Boo.

I got my hands tattooed a wee while ago which wasn't as painful as my neck but painful enough that I'm relieved theyre done & healed up. I'll try remember to post pics whenever. My memorys been a bit scatty with meds. Im also working on losing weight again so I've been very tired & grumpy when I'm not huddling in a nest of blankets growling at The Precious when he enters my space. The only way he earns my trust each eve is to give me coffee & tell me im being very good. Is this a joke? YOU be the judge...

Anyway. Im alive & still working on myself. I thank yall for your patience & support, it means a lot to me knowing my friends on here are rooting for me. I'm toasting yall rn with my iced coffee (still trying to perfect the recipe but im getting there). I hope yall are doing well & are happy, safe, & healthy. Remember I love yall & wish you all the very best, even if I'm not present or feeling sociable. We'll all get through this, i promise you. Remember that you only really see light when things are very dark 💜

#damagedmun #mobile #update #tw mental health #tw long post

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resilientmama · 4 years

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Coping

Obviously I did not stick to my intended schedule.

I got sick, Taylor has been sick, I started remodeling a bedroom in our home and I’ve been dealing with some emotional issues.

The deployment blues have been real. Thankfully we’ve gotten to see him at least once a week, but that is not nearly enough compared to the amount of time we’re going to be missing him in our home.

The amount of support I’ve gotten, publicly and privately, has been amazing.

I appreciate everyone who’s reached out to me, especially those that have extended an apology for believing the slander without a backstory.

Veering back to my topic, coping.

My most asked question is how I possibly do this, day in and day out. Even though court has stopped for awhile and things are moderately calm, the alienation and aftermath of it are still with me and my husband every single day.

I think for the first six months I didn’t cope with anything. I just ignored it.

I gave birth to my son, Logan, almost exactly a month after my last court date. I just threw myself into being a new mom. I struggled with postpartum depression. And then that never went away. Finally I explained the last two years events to my psychiatrist and it was obvious no depression was caused from birthing my child.

I was diagnosed with PTSD.

I know some people are going to say stating my medical diagnosis is idiotic. But its really not. Mental health is important. Its not something anyone should be ashamed for discussing or advocating for.

I was abused, am still experiencing a long term abuse I don’t have control over, and I think everyone should be educated about it.

Everyone hears PTSD and associates it with current or former service members. But often victims of physical, emotional and sexual violence are who are affected by this disorder.

I do take medication for this, and it helps. I do have bad days. I have sad days. But talking about why I feel this way has helped me the most.

What is PTSD like for me?

Its fixation. One small thing could go bad in my day, like waking up late or forgetting to put the clothes in the dryer from the night before and I started beating myself up. This internal emotional abuse lead to fixation. I fixated on everything that’s happened, events that started in 2011 all the way to things that happened in 2018. The fixation was debilitating. I wouldn’t leave my house. I wouldn’t answer anyone’s phone calls. Taylor works out of state a majority of the time, and often we’re on opposite schedules. So the days I couldn’t talk to him, I would talk to no one. I found solace in revolving my life around Paxton and Logan. Thanks to the Life360 app it had been pointed out to me that sometimes I was going 5-6 days without even leaving my house. I had became a shell of a person. I was struggling in my college classes, sometimes dropping them for lack of motivation to even participate in online forums that were required. I hid from everyone.

I made myself sick.

I was either stone faced and silent, or viscous and hateful.

Then I saw a quote posted on Facebook.

“Don’t judge others because they sin differently than you. God won’t be asking you about their sins, he’ll be asking about yours.”

I am by no means a religious person, but this quote spoke to my heart.

So I decided to make a change. I started talking. I refused to even say my alienated children’s names for the longest time. We removed all of their photos from our home, I cleaned out their room. I mourned my children like they had passed away. But I stepped away from my grief and started focusing on the good memories I had and the hope for a brighter future for all of us.

I woke up one day with a different state of mind. I took baby steps. I started speaking more positively about myself and others. I didn’t wince when someone brought my children up to me in conversation. I started being friendly to everyone instead of shying away from even being acknowledged by anyone other than family and friends.

I’ve been working diligently at this behavior for a few months now. And I can honestly say this is the closest to happiness that I have felt since the allegations started two years ago.

So what was the key to me coping? Not hiding anymore.

I started writing rough drafts for blog entries. I didn’t have the courage to publish them, but it was a start.

When I got to the mental state that I felt all around healthy, I took this plunge.

In my opinion, its one of the better decisions I’ve made.

I’ve hurt a lot of people during my grieving process. And I’m hoping those people see the things I write and maybe gain some insight as to why I treated them the way I did. I’m not seeking forgiveness via a public internet forum. The people I need are actively participating in my life, but maybe it will help the people who were active understand where things went wrong.

Just because I have made the conscious decision to change my state of mind from negative to positive does not mean I expect anyone else to follow suit.

The reality of that not being possible has been shown to me, as recently as yesterday.

And this is my peace I have to speak on the matter.

I do not expect someone with their own issues and internal hurt within their heart to respect me for finally finding my voice. I don’t experience the individual day to day struggles that anyone reading my blog experiences. I didn’t believe life would turn to rainbows and butterflies the day I hit share on my Facebook. I do expect adult behavior. I expect to be able to share my story, share my healing and the things I am advocating for without being made fun of. If we focused more on improving our own lives and mental health, along with our children, we wouldn’t be swimming in this constant sea of toxicity. And not for one minute do I appreciate being made fun of on social media for doing something constructive and positive with myself after I was beat down by the same three individuals for two years straight. And if you have been a victim of parental alienation yourself, shame on you for participating in shaming the advocacy and awareness of something that does affect you daily. Things that happen in the dark will always be brought to the light. If the truth being told is an issue for anyone, don’t be a participant in immoral actions and you won’t feel the humiliation and guilt by association. Forgiveness is always an option, but you have to give to receive.

Thank you to anyone who is reading this. Watch for another post tonight on the subject of Malicious Mother Syndrome. And after many inquiries, I will begin telling you Taylor’s story next week. It’s going to take two posts yall!

Be positive, be happy, be loving.

WE ARE ALL WORTHY OF RESPECT AND BEING GENUINELY HAPPY.

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