#i left out the really dark/gory stuff. reader beware if you look these up! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

just-late-roman-republic-things · 4 months

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Times Caligula was probably fucking with people

I have a pet theory that at least some of Caligula's "madness" was really him being a huge troll and screwing with people, and that several incidents the ancient historians take seriously were shitty jokes taken out of context. From Suetonius, Gaius:

Wandering into emperor Tiberius' bedroom at night with a dagger, thinking, "Eh..." and wandering back out. (12)

Chucking money into crowds to make people scramble for it. (18, 26)

Telling people "I'm gonna fuck the moon." (22)

Getting into arguments with a statue of Jupiter. (22)

Constantly pranking his uncle Claudius. (23)

[Caligula's daughter violently attacks her playmates] Caligula: "Yep, she's definitely mine." (25)

Promising an exciting gladiator show and then swapping in old shitty fighters at the last second. (26)

Reminding people "I could kill you whenever I like." (29, 32)

Grumbling about how the empire was too peaceful and there was nothing heroic left for him to do. (31)

"Everyone reads Homer. I should ban him and see what happens." (34)

Leading an army to the coast, making them gather seashells as "spoils of war," then telling them "Treat yourselves!" on the tiny monetary bonus he awarded them. (46)

Practicing goofy faces in his mirror to freak people out. (50)

Invites three terrified senators to the palace in the dead of night. Jumps out from behind a curtain and does a song and dance number in drag. Refuses to explain. Leaves. (54)

Does not actually make his horse consul, but pampers it so much people said he wanted to. (55)

Taunts the praetorian guards with so many "sissy" jokes they get fed up and shank him. (56, 58)

When people heard he was dead they thought he was pulling a stunt. (60)

#i left out the really dark/gory stuff. reader beware if you look these up!#also take everything suetonius says with a truckload of salt. many of these stories are probably false #still funny tho #suetonius #caligula #jlrrt reads #jlrrt essays #the twelve caesars is a comedy

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