#i just wanna be violent rn i just wanna lean on this imaginary person and feel what i always wanted to
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havent felt this violent about anyone in a while....
at least with this fictional loser i can actually have fun with it
#this is a vague vent#tags is where ill honest#ive been like this with guys before and i never really felt right w/ it#always felt so weak compared to everyone#like it felt like they thought i was a small naive/innocent person#who theyd love to cuddle but i didnt want that#im small and physically weak but i wish i didnt feel like it#i wish i felt equal but it always felt one sided they only saw me equal because i was their crush#last guy was so in love with me and i never felt it#but the feeling of littleness compared to him was always apparent#even when i said “i won loser” when fighting i just thought hed never consider me a winner#i only won when theyd let me win#i hate admitting it but ive disliked all my experiences with men#idk#i dont fully blame any of them for my struggle its mostly my messed up ass#im trying hard to be better but im scared im just walking in place#not improving not getting worse#i just wanna be violent rn i just wanna lean on this imaginary person and feel what i always wanted to#and maybe push him around a bit#but in a way hed like and maybe be ok with#biggest fear of mine is hurting other people the way ive been hurt and not even see it til its too late#he isnt even real but im still scared#whatever at least i feel happy here#and can learn without hurting another person#may not be the most mature thing to end this on but:#fuck those boys i was with i hope they improve#but i never wanna see them again#ever.
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