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pertinax--loculos · 3 years

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Update

Gonna try a new thing. I've seen these weekly updates from other writeblrs and it appeals to me because I can blather about writing or lack of writing (if it's been one of Those weeks), I can also include anything else I want, and it's a manageable goal to have for a start.

Tentatively breaking it up into writing, reading OR watching, real life (if applicable), and possibly excerpt (again, if applicable).

So! (Warning: This is long. I seriously babble like nothing else.)

Currently Writing Absent That Night (tagged: WIP: ATN)

wordcount: no clue, it's all on my phone and I've been writing scenes I'd previously written snippets for, so it's a mash-up. (Which reminds me I need to back it all up at least onto my computer.)

Proud of the short summary I did for my pinned post, so repeating it here:

Agent Latrell has been chasing the thief known as Nox for more than three years; but when bodies start turning up at his crime scenes, he’s the only one who believes Nox isn’t responsible. Unfortunately, he’s also the only other suspect. In order to clear his name, he’s going to have to find the real killer; and the only way to do that is to team up with a criminal who, it turns out, he knows absolutely nothing about.

still love love LOVING this WIP. I've got pages and pages of notes, and it is probably getting a wee bit too complex with subplots and suspects etc, but I'm an overwriter anyway so if I end up with a 200k word draft then shrug. More to work with

dunno if I mentioned or just thought it was obvious because I know it so well, but it has an enemies/rivals-to-allies(lovers?) (sub?)plot. So I've been pulling out a lot of threads there

technically I'm up to about halfway between the catalyst and break into two. Definitely not hardcore plotting but I do have an idea of the beats I wanna follow in the back of my head

Nox is still a fucking mess. I should probably stop piling trauma onto him, poor guy

my favourite creation this week is Mark Gault, who is a secondary/minor character who is amazing in every way. He is both essentially a ruthless mercenary and the "I LOVE MY WIFE" guy. (I also keep calling him Grant, instead of Mark, because he's actually the father of a character who first appears in Phase Two of CASCADE. (!!!))

basically happy with how it's all going this week. Regular writing is getting the juices flowing and it's easier to come up with ideas even when I've only got a vague notion of what is supposed to happen in the scene.

guys i am such an overwriter this is ridiculous please send help this scene was supposed to be like 2.5k total and it's turned into 4-5 scenes and is like 10k long dear god--

Currently Reading Blue Lily, Lily Blue by Maggie Stiefvater, book three of the Raven Cycle

I have not just jumped in at book three of a series, I have read the previous two.

in the last week.

I've read eleven books in the last five weeks, so that's... something.

they have all been thrillers except for this series. (And also Girl One, which despite being marketed as a thriller was definitively NOT a thriller. Which, yes, I should've guessed from the tag line, but I'm still mad about it.)

I am in love with the prose. It feels similar to mine, but Better, and I have been unconsciously mimicking it.

(which may be a problem when I finish it and am still writing ATN, but that is an issue for Future Pockets)

ngl I was not a fan of the way the first book ended. Not only did I have to reread the final line multiple times in order to even begin to grasp it, but I kinda think it's a dick move to end on a cliffhanger, even for an established author and clear indications this was gonna be a series

(but you bought the next book, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU??)

very very much enjoying the series, to be concise (ha!). Love the characters and it's all pretty tightly paced. The overarching series arc kiiinda maybe feels a bit slow/irrelevant, and some of the motivations annoy me, but I keep reminding myself it's YA in which the motivations are in character, so

not far into this one yet but so far so good

I wrote this earlier this week and since have begun thinking the series arc is becoming more relevant, but am reserving judgement. Reading slower with work and reading but still enjoying it all

Real Life

continues to be mostly a pain in the ass. Apps in for a second job, research on next year ongoing

update: may have the dream second job, basically waiting for confirmation (fingers crossed!)

one of my housemates is the literal devil, although even that is being quite kind to her. The nice one is moving out because of it. People keep asking how I've lived in this house for three years. I have no answer.

enjoying writing time in evenings and feeling mentally pretty good thanks to exercise

Excerpt Long, nearly 900 words, but a favourite of recent pieces and also something I coincidentally wrote today. Nox and Latrell's third meeting, when Latrell is still, uh... resistant to the idea of working with him:

"Why me?" Not at all the way Latrell had intended to phrase it, but he couldn't take it back. He continued, quickly, instead, jumbled thoughts pouring out of his mouth. "Surely that's the least you can give me. You come to me and ask me to fucking help you after you've made the last three months of my life living hell, you can at least fucking tell me why the fuck that is. You owe me that much. I'm not letting you fucking walk away until you fucking answer me that."

Nox was silent for a long moment. He ran a calculating gaze up and down Latrell, as if searching for something; it wasn't apparent whether or not he'd found it when he said, softly, "And if I don't?"

Latrell was abruptly very aware of the weight of the handcuffs in his back pocket. He would have to move quickly. There was every possibility Nox would see this coming, especially if he'd been arrested before. But Latrell was quietly confident. He inched his hand back, keeping it subtle, eyes on Nox's face.

"In that case," he said, as evenly as he could. His fingertips brushed warm metal. "Perhaps we should try something--"

Everything went white.

For a moment Latrell thought he'd somehow lost consciousness; that he'd underestimated Nox's affinity for violence, that the man had punched him or otherwise managed to incapacitate him without otherwise moving. Then it occurred to him that he was still thinking, which essentially took unconsciousness off the table, and he realised, vaguely, that it was an illusion.

It was very, very convincing.

The entire world was an endless expanse of emptiness. Utterly, absolutely white, a whiteness that could not and should not exist. Latrell was overcome by a sensation of falling, of plummeting into nothingness; he had to concentrate to feel his feet still on the ground, to know he was still upright. He had nothing to orient himself. There was no up, no down, no left or right. Just that endless expanse of a lack of colour. He was hanging in nothingness, or everything.

"You forget who you are dealing with, Agent."

Latrell swallowed down nausea. Nox's voice came from startlingly close, the sound of it somehow wrong, which objectively he knew came from the fact that his brain was convinced it should sound small and insubstantial in this endless void but it sounded normal because he was actually still standing in the alley. It was academic knowledge only. He still felt like he was tipping or falling or rising, weightless and disoriented. He had no voice, no ability to open his mouth.

Experimentally he tried to take a step. He couldn't lift his foot off the ground. Physically, he was sure he could -- he could still twitch his fingers, if he thought about it -- but his mind was convinced that there was nothing to step away from, nothing to step onto. Just nothing, nothing, nothing. A brightness that wasn't a light, a void constructed of the pieces between atoms.

Nox's voice came from his other side this time. "I have attempted to do this civilly, but there are other options."

It was a struggle to concentrate on his words, close as they were. Latrell tried to narrow his focus to only sound, tried to ignore the nothingness he was suspended in, tried to tell himself it was all an illusion. Just something Nox wanted him to see. The Orn, threaded through his eyes or brain or soul, acting upon Nox's orders.

It didn't help. He was still in freefall.

"Do not," Nox's voice came, a bare whisper in his ear, breath brushing Latrell's neck, "Presume to test me."

Abruptly the white disappeared. Latrell was back in the alley, trying to adjust to the change of light, trying to find where Nox had gone. Turning his head made the ground roil beneath him and he staggered, utterly disoriented.

Fingers closed around his forearm, steadying him, and Latrell looked up to find Nox inches away.

"Easy, Agent," he purred. His smile was more a baring of his teeth.

Latrell wrenched away from him, staggering until his back connected with a comfortingly solid wall. He was dizzy, brain still adjusting to reality, but he managed to straighten his spine and set his shoulders. He kept his hands in front of him. In Nox's view.

"Do we have an understanding?" Nox said, still silky and low.

"Screw you," Latrell said, voice faint and alien.

Nox's smirk sharpened. "I thought so. Lovely chat, Agent Latrell." He sauntered past where Latrell stayed pressed against the wall, hesitated at the corner of the alley. "Keep up the good work."

He stepped forward and disappeared from view.

Latrell's breath left him in a rush and he doubled over, bracing himself on his knees. His head still spun, the unpleasant sensation he'd come to expect from vertigo. The backs of his eyelids were painted with a stark blank white. Every time he blinked he was engulfed.

It was far beyond any illusion he'd ever experienced. It was approaching the type he'd only ever read about in scientific articles.

You forget who you are dealing with, Agent.

Perhaps he had. But this assault supplied more than a reminder.

It also provided a piece of the puzzle.

#we'll go with #weekly update #WIP: ATN #excerpt #pockets muses IRL #god you can't tell i'm an overwriter at all can you #somebody please shut me up #>.<

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the-citrus-scale · 5 years

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The Objectification of Billy Hargrove

Ever since the debut of Billy Hargrove’s epic lifeguard catwalk in season three of Stranger Things (which I totally didn’t watch again to write this article, even for science!), there’s been some debate in the fandom about whether or not this character was inappropriately objectified throughout his run on the show. While we understand the sentiment, we disagree in this case. And here’s why.

First, let’s take a look at the fandom’s biggest arguments on the subject. Certainly, almost every Billy moment from the series involves his body in some significant way. There’s a lot of focus on how he looks, and he’s on display often, which naturally leads to the idea of objectification. Also, most comments made by other characters about Billy are about his body, and, if no one’s talking about it, they’re definitely looking at it. The reason fandom is protesting is also significant, in this case. For one, they are understandably tired of seeing characters who are objectified simply for the sake of being objectified, male or female, because that adds nothing to a narrative. Add in that Billy is also a younger character and it's easy to see why people are upset. He’s eighteen in the third season of Stranger Things, but might have been seventeen in the second season. Though either age is technically legal in Indiana, and eighteen is legal in the United States overall, this is a gray area for a lot of people. Either way, Billy is definitely a teenager, and some are not okay with teenagers being objectified, whether they’re legal or not. The biggest (and loudest) issue, though, seems to be that most of the people we see objectifying Billy in Stranger Things are middle-aged women, which gives a predator/prey vibe to a lot of those interactions.

So, you may wonder how, based on all of that, we could possibly disagree with the idea of Billy being objectified in Stranger Things. Well, the answer is quite simple. We disagree that Billy is being objectified because of the characterization and, more importantly, the purpose behind all of these elements in the narrative.

The key point is that Billy Hargrove wants to be objectified. It’s part of his character. Everything he does screams that he wants to be noticed, and everything he says is designed to establish his dominance and make whoever is around him uncomfortable. He wants men to be jealous that they’re not him, and he wants women to swoon because of him. And his primary way of getting the kind of attention he craves is by putting his body on display. Think about it. He drives a flashy car. He dresses so that people will look. He didn’t accidentally put on the tight jeans and the muscle shirt in the morning. He didn’t forget his shirt when he went to basketball practice. He didn’t trip and get his mullet permed before he got his job at the pool. Just look at all the trouble he goes to in the season two scene where he’s getting ready for a date that really doesn’t seem to matter that much to him. And when he does that lifeguard walk, he knows that every woman is looking at him. He enjoys it, because that’s what he wants.

Billy is also physically imposing and demonstrates it frequently. He wants to be seen as better than everyone else and will go to any lengths to prove it. He steals Steve’s Keg King title, wearing only his leather jacket, of course, at Tina’s party. He shows off his superior basketball skills, again making sure he’s shirtless so that people will look. He mentions his sexual prowess when he’s in the shower in the men’s locker room. At home, he lifts weights to maintain his physique. He gets into his epic fight with Steve at the end of season two, showing that he’s not afraid to be violent if it gets him what he wants.

And if he can’t intimidate someone physically, he does it with words. In particular, he flirts with Mrs. Wheeler because it makes him feel powerful. Although she clearly enjoys it to a certain degree, she’s also uncomfortable. During the pool scene in season three alone, Billy pushes and pushes until she agrees to meet him. Mrs. Wheeler tries to refuse several times, but he just won’t take no for an answer. There’s definitely something predatory going on, but Mrs. Wheeler isn’t the predator. The predator is Billy. She’s the prey. He’s completely in control of that situation. His age makes it confusing for the audience, but that doesn't negate Billy's purpose in the prose. He is the villain. The end.

Basically, all of this characterization serves a purpose. Billy needs to be an immediate presence when he arrives in Hawkins to stand out against all of the crazy stuff that’s already happened there, for one. He’s the human villain of the series, especially during the second season. If he wasn’t brash and bold and strutting around like a peacock sticking his nose in everybody’s business, he wouldn’t be able to fulfill that role. He would just be another kid at Hawkins High who didn’t really have anything to do with anything.

More importantly, all of Billy’s behavior in season two sets us up to recognize how abnormal his behavior is in season three after he’s possessed by the Mind Flayer. The kids even make a comment about how unusual it is to see him with his shirt on in the show. It’s how they start to realize that something is wrong with Billy. If Billy hadn’t been strutting his stuff before season three, the differences would have been far too subtle to notice, especially because the kids don’t spend a lot of time around Billy. It even took them a while to realize that Will was possessed in season two, and he was someone they were around literally all the time. If the kids couldn’t have guessed that Billy was the vessel of the Mind Flayer, the plot wouldn’t have been able to progress the way it did. It was essential that Billy be who he is for the story to happen the way it was meant to.

But listen, we’re not in favor of objectifying characters just for the sake of objectification, and just because you enjoy looking at a character doesn’t automatically mean that they’ve been objectified. Yes, a lot of the Stranger Things fandom is thirsty for Billy Hargrove, but not because anyone writing Stranger Things intended it that way. In Billy’s case, they wrote a character who had certain traits that he needed to have for the story he was in, and people happened to be attracted to him after the fact. We’re not saying that some of the themes present in his arc aren’t uncomfortable, but he’s not being objectified, and that’s that.

#stranger things #stranger things 2 #stranger things 3 #billy hargrove #billy hargrove isn't a cinnamon roll #stop doing that #he's the villain #he's a good one too #let him be what he is #and he wasn't objectified #the end

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rikotin · 5 years

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Fictober 2019 – Prompt #26 “You keep me warm.”

Title: Keep me warm, ground me calm Fandom & characters: Druck – Matteo Florenzi / David Schreibner Words: 1368 Notes: at the end of the prompt.

Read on AO3

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Heavy rain was something he had always found oddly soothing. He couldn’t exactly tell what it was that made it feel so familiar and comforting, but whenever the rainy day hit the city his heart found just a little more of the peace that it desperately sought – some days more than the others.

The sky in Berlin was painted in shades of dark greys and blues, the threatening kind of gloomy that makes you wonder whether or not it will thunder and if you left the umbrella home because there is no way it’ll stop raining anytime soon. And it was just past noon, but the thick coating of clouds over the city made it so dim one could’ve easily believed the dusk was already falling.

The steady fall of rain had been nonstop since morning, making puddles and little streams all over the pavement and mercilessly soaking everything it touched. The rain drummed against the railing and reached just a bit inside the balcony where Matteo was sprawled in a chair, eyes lazily gazing into the distance. Against the dark sky the leaves on the trees looked odd – almost strikingly green despite the slowly but surely approaching fall.

His other leg and a small portion of his shoulder had gotten wet at some point and the air had started to have a little more bite to it after the wind had picked up. Despite the obvious chill he had been feeling for a while now he couldn’t make himself move back inside, being too mesmerized with the raindrops coating the view. Too engulfed by the echo of the rain mixing with the familiar sounds of the traffic and life below him.

Being completely fixed with the moment he missed the click of the front door, his name being called from somewhere inside the flat, as well as the soft footsteps that made their way right next to him after a short while.

”What are you doing?”

The voice was gentle but it startled Matteo nevertheless. He blinked, finding himself a little confused about where he was for a split second before turning his head to face the origin of the sudden sound. He dragged his gaze up finding a pair bright brown eyes looking back at him. David had tucked his hands in the pockets of his black hoodie, his trademark beanie pulled over his head, and leaned lazily to the door frame of the balcony. His expression was a little amused, but there was this certain kind of softness in his features – the fondness in his smile – that still made something warm flutter in Matteo’s chest.

”Hi.” Matteo gave him a lopsided smile, turning his gaze back to the view he had been staring at for what must’ve been some hours at this point. The rain was still falling down, but he could see that on the horizon the cloud were slowly turning into a lighter grey, hinting to a drier evening ahead.

”How long have you been sitting there?” David asked, taking a few steps closer. He snuck his hand around Matteo’s shoulders while pressing a kiss on his head, immediately frowning when he felt the coolness of the skin of his neck and a wet shoulder of his T-shirt, ”You’re freezing.”

Matteo hummed contently in the kiss and leaned against the warmth of his boyfriend, letting his eyes flutter closed.

”Not anymore. You keep me warm.”

David snorted silently, wrapping his hands properly around Matteo’s shoulder and pulling him a bit more against himself, freeing his other hand for a moment to stroke his tangled hair slowly.

”I literally just came back and you’re soaking wet. The heat you’re trying to leech won’t keep you from getting sick”, David sighed, a smile getting just a little wider as Matteo snuggled his head a little against his abdomen.

”But you’re so warm”, he murmured and opened his eyes to gaze at the slowly decreasing rain. The trickling sound still filled the air and with David warming him up from the side, he felt more at ease than for a long time, ”This is good.”

David hummed questioningly, gliding his fingers slowly through Matteo’s locks and gently scraping his scalp with his nails.

”What is?”

Matteo drew in a breath and straightened his posture, stretching his arms and legs a bit while doing so. He turned in his chair so that David was standing between his knees and rested his hands on his shoulders while Matteo snaked his hands around him. He tilted his head back and studied his boyfriend’s face for a while. David quirked an eyebrow and tilted his head a bit to the side, making a wide smile break onto Matteo’s face with his signature gesture he himself didn’t even register half of the time.

”What?” David pryed again giving a slight shake of Matteo’s shoulders. Matteo huffed out a laugh and glanced down before lifting his gaze back up, a content smile playing on his lips.

”You. The rain. The calmness”, he answered in a low voice, like he didn’t want to break the peace that had surrounded him right at that moment.

”The rain?” David sounded surprised, but at the same time there was underlying understanding there. Matteo felt like he always understood, like it was his second nature. He didn’t necessarily need words to explain himself to David but there was a question there anyway – a suggestion, not a demand. Matteo contemplated for a while, rubbing his nose lightly against the material of David’s shirt.

”It makes me peaceful, looking at the constant fall of the rain and the sound of it”, he began slowly with that same low voice, looking at the open zipper of the hoodie and bringing his other had to play it ”It takes my mind off of things and I just sort of drift off I guess, but it also grounds me if that makes sense.”

David mumbled an agreement, but otherwise stayed silent, still sliding his fingers in his hair as he waited patiently if Matteo wanted to continue. Just when he thought he wasn’t going to, Matteo lifted his gaze to meet David’s and smiled softly.

”It’s like you. You make me calm and grounded whenever I feel like I’m going to float off”, Matteo said, with a voice just a tad louder than a whisper ”It makes me feel safe.”

The sincerity of his voice made David’s heart jump and clench, the overflowing fondness for the person in his arms abruptly filling him up completely. David slid his hands up, cupping Matteo’s cheeks and bend down to press a slow sweet kiss on his lips. They parted little and grinned, eyes still closed and foreheads pressed together for a moment, before David stood back up and offered his hand.

”Right now I’m going to make you change your clothes into dry ones before you catch a pneumonia”, David stated pouting his lips when Matteo just stared at his hand a little dumbly. He finally took it and stood up from the chair, but not before a sly smirk took over his lips.

”You know that skin to skin contact warms you up faster?” he asked and wiggled brows, though David could tell it was still a bit half-hearted. He rolled his eyes anyway and tried to stop the smile tugging the corner of his mouth and pulled Matteo with him as he stepped back inside and closed the door. His attempts failed him when Matteo pulled him back into a hug. He pulled a muffled squeak out of him when he pressed his cold nose against the warm skin on the side of his warm neck and pressed his damp clothes against him. Despite the shudder in deep in his spine David didn’t have the heart to shoo Matteo after he sighed deeply and leaned some of his weight in David’s embrace.

”I love you”, Matteo mumbled against his skin after a while, tightening his hold around David just a touch. There was that overwhelming fondness again, as David turned his head, managing a soft peck into Matteo’s hair before tightening his own hold of him as well.

”I love you too.”

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Notes: Hi! Thank you for reading my very first piece of Fictober 2019! It’s been a long, long while since I’ve sat down and written anything, but my, does it feel refreshing! I didn’t have proofreader at hand, but if you spot some mistakes that bother you, please point them out - I’m sure I’ll be as bothered as you and correct it instantly.

I hope you enjoyed this little ficlet that already got a little out of hand (I was going for 600-800 words but you know), feel free to leave feedback and reblogs and likes! I’d love to hear your thoughts!

I’m aiming to write around half of the prompts with a couple of pairings from Druck, possibly some Malec from Shadowhunters and maybe even Evak from Skam. I’m probably going to include some prose as well, depending on the mood I’m in when I sit down and whip out a laptop. So in case you’re interested in my fictober journey, jump in!

#Druck #Davenzi #Davenzi fic #Datteo #Druck fic #Fictober19 #Fictober #writing #my writing

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topweeklyupdate · 6 years

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TØP Weekly Update #62: They’re *Really* Back (9/14/18)

We knew going into this week that there was a real storm coming, and that was an understatement. Though the complete Trench album is still waiting to be released, it really feels like the band is back more than ever.

This update is a novel-sized doozy. Grab your new merch, and let’s dive into it.

This Week’s TØPics:

A Complete Diversion in London Brings Trench (and a Flaming Car) to the Stage

The Boys Speak to the Press: Rock Sound and Alt Press Announce Special TØP Issues, and the Boys Hop Back Onto Radio

First Details Emerge About “Neon Gravestones”, “Pet Cheetah”, Clancy, Nico, and More As the Press Hear the Album for the First Time

Major News and Announcements:

The big one finally hit: after over a year, Twenty One Pilots returned to their home on the stage. They started making flex moves before the show even started. They arrived in London two days in advance, rehearsing and playing soundchecks into the night that die-hard campers could hear from outside the venue. They arranged for folks in Bandito uniforms to dispense 150 tickets to those that showed up at the box office. The venue delivered food to the queue, and the Clique in turn donated their blankets and duvets to a local soup kitchen. Pretty darn sweet.

The real event was even sweeter.

Twenty One Pilots did not quite pull out all of the stops for their first performance in over a year. The set was just over an hour, did not debut any never-before-heard songs, did not include any special guests, and mainly stuck to the skeleton of the Blurryface Era setlist. And you know what? There was absolutely nothing wrong with that. If anything, Tyler and Josh keeping things focused on dusting off the old gears and introducing a few new elements for the Trench era resulted in a tight and emotional return for today’s greatest band. (Shout out to Ohio Clique for editing fifteen different Periscope and Instagram Live streams together to make a cohesive concert movie.)

Highlights of the show include:

There were no screens present in the smaller venue, but the production crew did make sure to bust out a ton of other great production elements, including tons of lights and, most notably, the car from the “Heavydirtysoul” video that bursts into flames at key points during certain songs- including, at one point, when Tyler was standing on it.

The Clique brought the production value in the crowd, too: beyond all the folks dressed up as Banditos and Bishops, you also had plenty of people bring in yellow screens for their flashlights and yellow flowers and petals to offer Tyler.

The setlist was pretty sensible, with the four new Trench singles plus all of the songs that you would have expected them to play at an old festival show (minus “Guns for Hands” and “Tear In My Heart”, no I’m not sweating, why?). It is interesting that “WDBWOTV” and “The Judge” were played, but I suspect that it was mainly to justify bringing out the ukulele for “Nico”; if there are more uke tracks on Trench, I would not be surprised to see one or both of these songs dip out of the regular rotation.

Tyler had to stop the show twice to help people out of the pit- it was that kind of show.

The show opened with Josh coming out on stage in full Bandito regalia, torch in hand, looking like a badass. After sitting down at the drums and playing a few simple sequences, a masked man with a bass guitar walked out on the stage, started playing “Jumpsuit”’s gnarly riff, and yelled for the crowd to “GET UP!” Awesome. Twenty One Pilots is back, mate.

Tyler stumbled over a few lyrics in “Jumpsuit” and “Levitate”, but he successfully played it off- only the most diehard fans would have caught that he wasn’t just pausing for breath or to hear the crowd.

Tyler actually yelled “Why’d you come, you know you should have stayed?” at the end of “Heathens”, and it sounded damn good. Hope it sticks for future shows.

Tyler’s “WDBWOTV” pre-speech was a pretty good inaugural address for the Trench Era. He let the rabid audience know that he had been watching them since before the concert (both literally and metaphorically), joked about needing to get back in “show shape”, and thanked London for being a home away from home for them. In gratitude for hosting them, Tyler even announced that they were adding a third arena show at Wembley and joked that Mark should tweet it or something (he did).

Prior to playing “Nico”, Tyler adorned a bright yellow jacket over his usual uke kimono; Josh helpfully banged the drums dramatically for every successful button.

Tyler and Josh did the handshake during “Nico”, because of course they did.

For “My Blood”, Tyler drew from the old playbook and attempted to direct the two halves of the audience to sing harmonies. It worked even better than it used to with “Doubt”, much to Tyler’s evident glee- his smile and little dance to everyone singing his new song back at him was probably the best moment of the whole show.

The Trees Speech was short and sweet, with Tyler promising that he’s written “pages and pages” of things he wants to say, but for now all he can say is that they’ll be coming back on the new tour with “things we’ve never seen before” and that the fans look so good.

#YellowConfettiConfirmed

In the last bit of major news: new merch (that Josh stitched himself, be nice) and a new yellow Trench vinyl that I’m sure won’t immediately sell out. Have fun spending your life savings, kids!

Other Shenanigans:

The band was active in other spaces this week, of course. After Zane Lowe broke open the floodgates last week, both Rock Sound and Alternative Press announced that they would release some exclusive Trench Era Content (tm). Rock Sound’s came in the form of a thirty-page mag featuring a lengthy 22-page feature comprised of the first interview the two bands gave together since before the hiatus, Tyler and Josh’s first full photoshoot in over a year, and tons of awesome posters and Clique art. It definitely is not available in any form on the Internet that I’m afraid to link to lest I get pegged for copyright and sent to jail. Highlights of this interview that I certainly haven’t read include:

Lots of typical Rock Sound purple prose, in which the writer goes off on more tangential metaphors than even Tyler Robert Joseph.

The reporter describes Tyler’s house as “quite stunning” (yeah, with that Blurryface money combined with Columbus real estate values, I should hope so).

Josh laughs at the memory of some of their old costumes. “Those suits were so hot,” he says, as if those heavy coats aren’t a billion degrees inside.

Tyler: “There’s something healthy about realizing that the world keeps turning. Sometimes it can feel like the whole world is revolving around you- I think we all selfishly get to that point. When you have those moments, when you stop and realize that even if you weren’t there those other people would be, it lifts a weight that can feel very heavy. It motivates you to want to come up with a reason why you’re here.”

Tyler says they cut out social media during the hiatus in part because “removing the ability to run straight to it was important. For me, writing music is the thing I want to run to when I feel compelled or inspired. Whether it’s frustration or anger or compassion, whatever it is that I wanted to express, I wanted it to live somewhere new. I didn’t want one drop of meaningful expression to live anywhere else.” Additionally, they did want to test whether the Clique would stick around, and even kinda hint that they wanted to shrink how crowded some of the rooms they entered were becoming.

We are assured, however, that the next “hiatus” will not be the exact same as this. Tyler: “Going away broke my heart. It hurt that we weren’t able to tell people why we had gone, but I’m an advocate of showing people what I’ve been working on rather than telling them how hard I’m working. [...] That said, though we don’t know what the timeframe will be or if we’ll take another break, the manner in which we left... we’ll never do that again.”

I’m just gonna leave this here: “He tells us also of the beautiful relationship he has with his wife, Jenna, and the role that she played in helping him unlock the words and the sounds that would form the basis of this new chapter; of the times he would hand her the phone while behind the wheel of his car to allow her to record anything from melodies to simple poems.” Yeah, will someone sweep up all the pieces of my heart that are just lying on the floor, that’d be great.

Tyler has long had the idea to tell a geographic story, much longer than since the end of the last cycle, and he didn’t always intend to tell it through music. “I feel like in our mind there are places we learn we shouldn’t go.”

Tyler says that there are lots of songs that he writes that never see the light of day because he has moved past the season he wrote them in by the time it comes to record them.

Rock Sound is positively glowing in its brief advance review of the album, saying it is undoubtedly the best project of 2018, “a labor of love”, “a varied, often spectacular collection” with some of the band’s all-time greatest moments. It will be even more sonically diverse than we’ve come to expect: “Morph” is described as “old-school R&B”, “The Hype” “anthemic indie-rock”, “Pet Cheetah” has “stomping beats and a fiery rap verse.” The highlight, though, is apparently “Neon Gravestones”, “a piano-laden spoken word masterpiece” with lyrical content that “will save at least one person’s life”. Damn.

Alt Press will also be releasing a 24-page cover feature on the band and were even nice enough to include a fun video ad from the boys. They’re so cute, and I’ve missed them so much. (Also, Tyler’s checkered pants are a quality meme.)

After the Complete Diversion, Tyler and Josh performed a mini-press tour. First, they gave five-minute interview with Annie Mac on BBC Radio 1 and an Instagram Stories AMA on the station’s account. Highlights of this quickie include:

Josh and Tyler joke that specifying the exact number of months they’ve been away sounds like a mother saying their kid is “14 months” instead of a year old.

Tyler notes that this was the first performance in a long time that they’ve felt truly nervous, as they could no longer rely on muscle memory to carry them through after the long break, particularly with the new songs.

Annie references her last interview with Josh, where he confessed to be nervous about whether the fans would return. When asked if the first show helped them overcome those nerves, Tyler replied honestly, “To an extent, yes.” They chuckle about it, but the implication remains thick: the dedicated fanbase certainly turned up, but there is no assurance that they’ll have long-term mainstream success in the future. They seem cool with that.

Tyler states that they chose London specifically to make their return because, besides Columbus, it’s the only city where they have played in every size of venue, from the Barfly club to the Ally Pally and everything in-between over the course of fifteen shows. That type of home atmosphere made it feel right to start the new era there.

Josh says they played a bowling alley in London once. He did not wear bowling shoes in the set nor when he bowled afterward, which, as Tyler points out, is very punk rock.

Tyler reflects on how this show represents years of preparation and practice teaching them how to “trim the fat” and master the tempo and flow of the concert to appear as confident as possible and bring the audience along for a well-planned journey.

“My Blood” is one of the most challenging songs for both artists to play, particularly Tyler, as he has to balance the difficult falsetto with keeping that bassline groovy and consistent.

The IG answers were mostly just the dudes trying and failing to answer basic questions like “Are you happy to be back?” and “What’s it like to be famous?” in as few words as possible without giggling, hugging, and tickling each other. Best Q/A: Why did they watch the Grammys in their underwear? “We didn’t have air-conditioning.”

South African DJ Rob Forbes from Radio 5FM also conducted a truly fascinating interview with the band, the first that dives into the lore and one that gives us even more of a glimpse into some of the future songs. Additionally, Mr. Forbes briefly posted the tracklist w/ time-codes, revealing that both “Chlorine” and “Bandito” go over five minutes- get hyped, kids. Highlights from this interview include:

When asked about Clancy, Tyler responds with a pregnant silence before asking how the the interviewer knew about him. DJ Forbes stutters an answer about having listened to the record, but Tyler replies that Clancy’s not on the record. All he does say about Clancy is “I’ve heard about him, and I know we’re from the same place.” What is up with your cryptic nonsense, Tyler Robert Joseph?

The band intentionally left the Trench Trilogy open-ended to be able to continue it in the future. Tyler did not mean to make the timeline confusing, but did note that its cyclical nature left it open for the Clique to pursue that interpretation.

Tyler is careful with choosing his words to describe Nico. He admits the whole thing is pretty confusing (his grandma asked him once, “What’s a Nico?”), but that was his intention: he wanted to give the Clique a lot to think about and discuss as a reward for waiting so long. He does seem to confirm that Nico is Blurryface, or at least an aspect of him that represents how much more familiar Tyler has become with the nature of his own insecurities as he writes about it.

Tyler denies that the final verse of “Neon Gravestones” has a specifically political bend and actually sounds a little offended that something so important to him could be cast in that light. No idea what that means, I need to hear this song.

The interviewer says that Tyler calls his “Pet Cheetah” “Jason Statham” within the song itself in a fun rap verse. Tyler laughs and says that came from an inside joke between him and Josh that he was excited to bring to life. I am SO confused, you have no idea.

Tyler says that they had plans at one point to come to South Africa for a show that fell through at the last second, but that they’re still interested in going at some point in the future.

Additionally, the music production interest site Mix did a small spotlight on the producers behind Trench. We already knew that Paul Meany was handling main production duty; Darrell Thorpe, whose credits include Radiohead, OutKast, Paul McCartney, and Foster the People, joined him as an engineer while the band captured the album’s drum tracks at United Recording Studios in LA, the only studio they used outside of the one in Tyler’s home. It’s always cool to see the dudes who bring the band’s music to life, but, to be honest, the best part of this short little article is Tyler’s dad socks in the photo.

Oh, and music video director Andrew Donoho told Billboard that he can’t spoil the album or Tyler will burn down his house. So... yeah, okay, moving on.

Chart Performance:

After its first full week of sales and streaming, “My Blood” secured a debut at #16 on the Billboard Bubbling Under chart ranking the songs that have yet to reach the Hot 100. The song gains at all metrics, and according to some industry sources like Headline Planet, it is receiving a concentrated marketing push to pop and adult contemporary markets that its predecessors have not. “Jumpsuit” continues to fade, but its run was respectable, and I remain optimistic about Trench’s commercial prospects going forward, especially in the midst of this hype wave.

Whew. That was a long run. Congrats to everyone who made it all the way to the end. We’re so close to Trench, you guys. Keep powering through. Stay alive. And power to the local dreamer.

|-/

#twenty one pilots #tyler joseph #josh dun #trench #rock sound #alt press #a complete diversion #bbc radio one #pet cheetah #neon gravestones #top weekly update

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phoenixagent003 · 3 years

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In Defense of Fanfiction

So, fairly recently (at time of writing), a fellow writer decided to disparage authors who cut their teeth writing fanfiction which, in their words “actively teaches you to write worse.”

Now, as someone who did cut their teeth writing fanfiction, my gut instinct to seeing this tweet was to angrily quote tweet it with the reply “Oh fuck off.” But that much as a I wanted to do that, I didn’t for several reasons. For one, I just generally try to be restrained and selective for who I get that angry and confrontational with online, reserving it mostly for politicians, celebrities, and DC’s Titans. Entities at once morally bankrupt, and largely immune to any kind of damage that I personally can inflict due to an absence of actual humanity.

And that all being said, this person was… well a person. A person with a narrow-minded and incorrect opinion, but still a person. And a fellow writer. So then I thought about refuting their bad-take, but that felt too much like swooping in to mansplain writing to someone who by all accounts seems to have been doing it at least as long as I have, and who’s been considerably more professionally successful at it.

Plus, like I said, I got my start in fanfiction. My origins are quite literally being targeted and attacked here. And feeling targeted can make people say and do some really stupid stuff if they don’t stop and think beforehand.

Basically, I didn’t want to start a Twitter beef over this because quite frankly the internet would be a happier place if we all just did that less, but I still saw a lot of bad arguments and missed points, so I couldn’t just say nothing. And so here we are, at a compromise between Twitter arguing and saying nothing—blogging about it.

The writer in question turned her single tweet into an entire thread that brought up a lot of very different, very unrelated issues, some of which I want to touch on as well, but before I do any of that, I want to answer the central argument, taking it as much as I can on face value and inferring as little else as possible: that fanfiction “actively teaches you to write worse.”

Does it?

Twitter is a terrible medium for communication. It rewards broad, inflammatory statements and its character limit leaves little room for nuance. Some people attempt brute-force circumventions of that limit, but most don’t, and the site isn’t suited to it. So it is unsurprisingly difficult to parse out exactly what they meant, but I can take a stab at it by covering as many bases as I could think of.

Does the medium of fanfiction inherently teach poor writing fundamentals, like prose, plot structure, or character development?

No. Writing, like most skills, is honed by practice. Every time you think about the best word to put on a page or the best way to structure a sentence or story, you are getting better at writing. You start a sentence, and think to yourself, “Hang on, there’s gotta be a better way to word that.” And that moment, where you reflect on your craft and look for ways and spots to improve it—that is you learning. Developing. Maybe you think of a way to word that sentence better, maybe you don’t. But the act of thinking, of searching, of even just acknowledging that it could be better is still work towards improvement. Doesn’t matter if it’s dialogue written for Harry Potter or for your original character, do not steal.

90% of fanfiction is crap. But 90% of everything is crap. Fanfiction is perhaps more famous for being mostly crap, but it’s really not hard to understand why. First off, the only barrier to entry for writing is basic literacy. If you can read this sentence, you can try your hand at writing. The difference between fanfiction and say, traditionally published works, is that fanfiction kind of keeps that low barrier to entry, whereas to get traditionally published you typically have to impress at least two other people—your agent, and then the editor you agent sends your shit to. And even then, that’s not a insurmountable barrier to entry. A metric butt-ton of people do it all the time.

In short, with fanfiction, the “slush pile” is open and visible, whereas with most other stuff, the only people who have to read that garbage are agents and editors, God have mercy on their souls. But rest assured, there is just as much shitty original fiction as there is shitty fanfiction.

In addition to the low barrier to entry, fanfiction is where a lot of people first dip their toe into this gig. And unless you are an unparalleled prodigy, when you’re new at something, you are bad at something. Which is fine. Doing something poorly is the first step to doing something competently. Practice is practice.

Now, you can practice something incorrectly and do yourself wrong—anybody who knows about proper weight lifting form can tell you that. But for the most part, a writer working on fanfiction is no more likely to do this than someone writing anything else.

The two exceptions I can think of are character and worldbuilding. Somewhat unique to fanfiction (we’ll talk about that in a minute) versus original fiction is that in fanfic, the characters and world are already established. Depending on the kind of fic you write, you may very well not get practice or experience making characters or worlds, since you’re using someone else’s work to basically cover that for you. So, sometimes, in this one specific area, fanfiction does feature something of a crutch that could theoretically lead to deficiencies in a writer’s fundamentals.

That said, that is very much dependent on the type of fanfic. Some works feature entirely original casts, telling a new story with new characters in an established setting. And even in fics which predominantly focus on the established cast, fanfic writers are downright notorious for adding new, original characters into the mix. Most of them are… awful. But we already covered why that is. Remember, bad writing is not the same thing as bad practice.

Ditto worldbuilding, where we’ve got plenty of fanfics that outright replace the world of the established story. The Alternate Universe concept is a very popular one in fanfic.

I will say in a closing than with worldbuilding and character, fanfiction does typically replace only one of these while keeping the other. Mainly because if you changed both, you’re liable to have left the realm of fanfiction altogether.

Does fanfiction, by its nature, leave you unprepared for making the transition to the professional writing world?

Let’s pretend for a moment that we didn’t just shoot down the idea that writing fanfiction means you never honed your ability to create your own original world and characters. That’s nonsense, but let’s say for purely hypothetical arguments sake, that if you start out writing fanfiction, your character-creating muscles will atrophy and you’ll only be able to work with pre-existing concepts, worlds, and characters. Does fanfiction leave you unprepared for making it in the world of professional writing?

For your consideration, I present: the very concept of episodic television. TV shows regularly bring on writers who did not originate either the show or its characters. TV writers craft stories borrowing a world and characters that somebody else came up with. The only difference between them is fanfiction is they got paid and get to be stamped as canon. Same muscles getting used. Same kind of exercise.

The spec script, the method by which most people showcase their ability to write for TV, is literally just fanfiction.

Then we have adaptations and retelling of both licensed and public domain properties, where once again, we have scores of writers, taking characters and concepts that they did not come up with, and using them to tell their own stories, or even just put different spins on the originals. What if Hades and Persephone, but without the whole “against her will” thing? Hey Marvel, can I use your Norse god character to tell a story about how societies built on the back of colonialism are inherently flawed and shouldn’t be preserved at the expense of the people?

The skillset of playing with other people’s toys to make something compelling is an incredibly valuable one for a writer to have. If anything, I’d argue that fanfiction is even better suited to teaching this skillset than writing original fiction.

And as a quick aside, that practice of playing with other people’s characters and constantly asking “Is this in character for them?” is a very useful practice that actually translates very well to writing your own characters. When you invented a character, it can be tempting to declare anything you write “in-character” since, well, you wrote it, and they’re your creation. But that thinking can easily lead to disjointed characterization.

I routinely ask “is this in-character?” while writing for characters I created. It makes me a better writer, and I learned how to ask that question and how to identify the answer from writing fanfiction.

Does fanfiction distort your sense of good taste?

This is the closest I could possibly come to agreeing with the original argument. The last time I was actively involved in it, the fanfiction community had pretty low standards, actually? I say this, because when I was writing fics, I was actually heaped with praise and attention, almost all of which was near universally good.

But I was not good. I was bad. I was very bad. Because I was in junior high, and an idiot, and those fics were the first thing I ever wrote that was longer than seven pages. But I updated my fics daily over the summer, in a very popular fandom that predominantly targeted people my age. So I got lots of fans and praise, and I started to think I was a good writer. Even worse than that, other people thought I was a good writer, and told even more people that I was.

Which is an affront to good taste.

That having been said, even though I do hold fandom and its nature partially to blame for the single most humbling aspect of my entire life, I also just hold adolescence in general to blame? Maybe? I like to think that much as I grew beyond my poor grasp of my own woeful incompetence, so too did my audience grow up and get a better understanding of what actually good writing is.

But then again, EL James and Reki Kawahara have made more money than I’ve ever seen in my life. So maybe neither fanfic nor adolescence is to blame. Maybe sometimes trash just sells.

As an aside, I hope this doesn’t come off as me trying to be mean or make fun of all those people who liked my old stuff. I know I’m embarrassed by it, and the only reason I haven’t deleted it all is because I need an ego check every now and again (and they’re also how I met my wife). But whether you also did a 180 on my old stuff as you got older or you still unironically think it’s good… thank you for the support. You are my humble beginnings and I would not be the person I am today without all of you.

…and that’s enough getting sentimental and making this about me, let’s go back to debunking opinions that are objectively wrong because I disagree with them.

The Other Stuff

I feel I’ve thoroughly said my peace on the original argument put out by my colleague. Namely, that they are wrong. But I’d also like to very quickly address the everything else they spewed out. My takes on this are considerably less long winded and probably could have been sanded down to a Twitter reply, but I still figure their inbox is getting enough shit already, and I want to make this more about the arguments than the person.

I’m not going to cover everything in detail, especially since I am super not qualified to speak on some of them—there is only so much I as a cishet dude feel comfortable giving my opinion on—but I will cover the bits that stood out and ground my gears.

EL James and Cassandra Clare are “fucking terrible”

No disputing the EL James part. Her character work is atrocious, her understanding of actual kink and BDSM dynamics and lifestyles is woeful, her plot bears clear evidence of serialized work that was not properly cleaned up prior to publication.

I haven’t read Cassandra Clare’s work. I have heard both good and bad things about it, but let’s say for argument’s sake she’s also not great.

This comment shows a distinct lack of knowledge of just how many authors, many critically acclaimed, write fanfiction on the side or got their start in it. Neil Gaiman writes fanfiction—and usually manages to get paid for it. I could go on with a long and yet still non-exhaustive list of authors who have done or still do it. Bottom line, there are some very high profile, not good writers whose start in fanfiction has been effectively weaponized against them to further underline their badness—“Of course EL James is bad. What did you expect from someone who started in fanfiction—while simultaneously many good writers have their connections to it downplayed by either choice or their own profile.

“Low effort formulaic lowest-common-denominator writing is bad actually”?

I almost brought this into main discussion, but I said I would infer as little as possible and on its own, this tweet didn’t directly say it was talking about fanfiction. I would argue it heavily implied it, and I very much doubt the author of the tweet would disagree with me, but I made the no inferring rule and I stuck to it.

I’m actually still going to take this argument on its own for a moment. I’ve already covered how and why fanfiction is generally seen as bad—low barrier to entry and the bad stuff is as easy to find as the good stuff—so I want to talk about something else. “Low effort writing is bad. No real arguments. I could jokingly say Neil Gaiman could drunkenly scribble something on a napkin that would outclass my best efforts, but I actually don’t have that low an opinion of myself.

Lowest-common-denominator writing is probably bad. In general, I think trying to appeal to the lowest common denominator is a good way to make uninspired trash, but on the other hand…fuck it, I’m liable to be included in that lowest common denominator most of the time. That’s the whole goddamn point of the LCD. It casts a broad net. And there’s a place for that. I don’t think it should be a big place, but still a place.

“Formulaic writing is bad” though? That I also just straight up disagree with. Formulas are a tool. And like every tool, they can be used really well, or really poorly. Used well, a formula can provide a solid structure around which to build interesting stories or ground the audience in otherwise unfamiliar settings. Don’t call a hammer a bad tool just because you’re hitting the nail wrong.

Several arguments discussing fanfictions relationship to queer and female audiences/writers/identities:

Nope, not touching that.

Oh fuck off.

Fanfiction isn’t collaborative or about community because “it's all corporate IP” and “Ultimately, someone else legally owns it, and you are choosing to give a corporate entity your creative energy.”

And this is actually something that’s been bugging me a while, specifically regarding the relationship people have with corporately owned IP and how it being owned by a corporation doesn’t automatically invalidate it as a source of emotional investment or cultural symbolism. But quite honestly, that really deserves its own post, so I’m just going to put a pin in this that and say we’re done here.

Glad I got all that off my chest.

So that was a thing. If you’ve got your own experiences with fanfic, good or bad, I’d love to hear them in the comments or over on Twitter.

If your curious about my history in fanfiction, like I said, it is all still technically out there, and very bad, but I’m not so much of a masochist that I’d link it here. I wouldn’t read it if I were you.

I write newer, much better stuff now. Some of it is here on this website, and some of it is in a novel coming out Fall 2021! Check that out instead! I promise it’s a much better use of your time.

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rheyareads · 5 years

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Third Post’s the Charm

I have to admit, writing out those first two posts was very therapeutic. I think there are things I’ve held inside for so long that just writing them down and putting them out there really lifted a weight off my chest that I didn’t realize had been crushing me all these years. I have no idea how many people chose to read it, and honestly, it doesn’t even matter. The mere act of putting my story out into the world was exactly what I needed.

So, it’s been a while since my last post because I wasn’t anticipating how good I’d feel after the first two – but also because I’ve been rather busy. I’ve been dealing with a lot of medical things and finally getting answers to a lot of things that I’ve struggled with for a long time, which I’m so grateful for.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with constant sinus infections/head colds. I get them at least once a month, on average, and for the last few years they’ve been happening more often and more intensely. Last year I got sick for over a month and there were numerous occasions where I was so congested I actually fell over when I sneezed or coughed from dizziness.

Now, as hilarious as that was for me to tell people at the time, it’s something I’ve carried a lot of shame around because it makes me an unreliable worker and person. I am utterly devastated at the thought of letting people down and I absolutely hate having to tell someone I can’t attend/do something because I am sick (again). I know it’s something people have been frustrated with me for, and understandably so, but it was always so hard for me because I truly was horribly sick and wasn’t trying to be flaky.

One thing people may not know about me is how much I center my self-worth around my work ethic. I have worked my entire life towards creating a professional identity for myself and become a contributing employee to whatever place I work for. I’m incredibly driven and will spend every minute trying to ensure that I am making things more efficient, putting out the best quality work I can possibly do, while also adding value in some way. I’ve put myself into situations where I chose to focus more on school and work than my friendships or spending time with my family. To me, my career has always been most important to me. When I get sick all the time, I know that negates that work I’ve put in, in that it makes me appear unreliable and flaky. Calling in absolutely destroys me and I am so hard on myself when I must do it to rest and get better.

The problem with all of that, is that I really DO get sick enough that I need to call in or I won’t actually get any better. Unfortunately, there are typically consequences associated with that and it’s something I’ve always been worried about as an employee no matter where I’ve worked. No one likes when their co-worker comes in super sick and coughing everywhere but if I called in every time that happened, I’d probably get fired within a month. I’ve always been thankful for bosses who understood that I was dedicated despite constantly getting sick and seemed to understand. I’ve had my fair share of bosses who didn’t believe me, however, and they’ve only perpetuated my fear of letting others down as I’ve gone on. Thankfully, I finally have an answer that may help this problem.

About three weeks ago, I got a sore throat like I usually do, and didn’t really think much of it. After three days, however, I woke up with neck pain so horrible I couldn’t move – I mean like, full swelling in my neck and pain so bad that showering almost made me pass out. I went to the doctor and they weren’t sure what was going on so they ordered a CT and X-Ray (I had had a migraine two days before with vision obstruction). They sent me home and told me to go to the hospital if things got worse. The next day, I woke up with swelling so bad in my tonsils I was choking on them. I have never experienced swelling so bad in my life. I went to the hospital and was sent home with no more answers and was feeling very discouraged.

Thankfully, I went back to the doctor and they referred me to an Ear Nose and Throat doctor to try and get some answers since I’ve been on 4 antibiotics in the last three months due to sickness. My X-Rays showed no acute issues but did show that I have reverse lordosis in my neck that was likely irritated due to the inflammation in my glands from the sickness.

The ENT was an expensive but beneficial trip and I found out that I have a deviated septum that has been causing drainage issues and inflammation because of a spur in my left side. This is something seemingly simple but has made all the difference for me. To just know that I’m not crazy and that I have an actual diagnosis has helped me immensely. It explains so much of the things I’ve struggled with – why it happens so frequently, despite the seasons – why others weren’t getting sick when I was – why medicines weren’t working, and steroids were the only thing that would provide relief.

So now that I know that, I’m at the point where I am waiting on some blood work and go back in a month to determine if I will need surgery to correct the problem, which is likely. That is a bit scary, but for now I’m going to revel in the relief of having some answers after so many years struggling with this problem. Especially being a singer, having constant sicknesses that take away my voice has been so difficult. I hate having to stop singing because of sore throats and missing work because I’m exhausted from not being able to sleep due to coughing.

I also saw a chiropractor for the reverse lordosis and after just one treatment I am feeling so much less pain in my back and neck. I’ve felt pain so long that I honestly didn’t even remember how it felt to feel normal. I have two appointments a week for the next month to get myself into full alignment and I’m really looking forward to feeling my best after this is all done.

This has all really inspired me to continue to work towards finding the answers and correct treatments I need for the other things I struggle with. My PCOS and Thyroid issues are my next big things to tackle and I’m hoping that I will be able to come to a place where I feel like I have a handle on them. I really want to lose weight for health reasons and I am so scared I’ll have to get surgery soon if I can’t get a handle on all these things that make me gain weight and keep weight on. I’m looking into some anti-inflammatory diets right now and plan on working with a dietitian soon, but I know this will be the biggest battle I face when it comes to my health. I hope that I can make some small changes, if nothing else, and start to feel a little better.

After watching my aunt go through cancer and battle so many health challenges, I am really scared I am going to face the same struggles she did as I get older because I have a lot of the same medical issues she had, and I have the same problems with weight she did. I don’t want to keep putting off these lifestyle changes anymore, but I’m also scared that I’m not mentally prepared to do it all. Food has always been my source of comfort and giving up the things I love is not going to be easy for me to do at all. Not to mention the fact that I hate like, everything good for you. It makes it very hard for me to eat better when I barely like 4 or 5 foods. And when I say I don’t like them, I mean like once I tried to eat salad for 5 days in a row and literally gagged while consuming it. That’s how much I hate a lot of foods.

So right now, I’m focused on doing some research and trying to motivate myself to find a way to get to the gym every week, even if its just to walk for a while. If I can do that, I’ll move to the next phase and see where it takes me.

But since my last post, I’ve made a lot of progress in my 30 things in my 30th year list and I’m pretty proud of that. Here’s a recap of what I’ve done so far:

Do something that scares me

I posted these blog posts for everyone to read some pretty personal things about me.

I told a boy that I liked him, flat out, even though it terrified me. He didn’t want to pursue a relationship, but that’s okay because honestly it felt great to just say how I felt for a change instead of wondering where things were going to go.

Make a concerted effort to be more financially responsible

Try a little harder at my appearance (i.e. style my hair, maybe wear makeup)

I wore makeup to work on Friday and everyone was so shocked haha

Read ALL THE BOOKS (or at least 50)

Currently halfway through my first book of the year and I’ve joined two book clubs!

Write more often – feelings, fiction, prose, doesn’t matter – just do it

Counting these blogs as part of this because it’s felt great to write these.

Pay off a student loan

Paid off my first one yesterday! It felt so great and now I just want to pay off even more!

I’m thinking that for my next post, I’m going to start a series on diving into relationships that have defined me in some way. I’ve been thinking a lot about my love life and future and the road blocks I face, and I think that exploring my past relationships with boyfriends, friends, family and others will help me work through those. I guess we’ll see how I feel and where that will go but, in the meantime, I just want to say thank you to all of you out there for taking the time to read these things and talk to me about the posts I’ve shared. It means a lot to me. I hope they help you as much as they’re helping me.

from WordPress https://rheyareads.wordpress.com/2019/03/03/third-posts-the-charm/

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fesahaawit · 7 years

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The Walk to My Hidden Green

This is a guest post from my friend Ryland King. When I read it, I immediately wished we had actually been on this walk together. Read it slowly. Take in all the lessons in his prose. I’ve bolded a few of my favourites. <3

Could I invite you on a virtual walk with me, kind of like the one we took with Cait a few weeks back?

We’ll go through the forest where seedlings turn to trees, where each step is always forward, but never straight and where rustles in the brush scare at first, but are all just part of the beautiful journey.

And along the way I’ll share with you a story — my personal story of self-transformation from a spendy, unconscious consumer in college, to a stashing minimalist (saved $97,000 in just over three years) at my first job, to a timid blogger garnering the courage to share my story and help other’s shape theirs.

Hey, it actually seems like the trail begins right here. Cool.

If you’re up for the journey, come along! Strap on your pack. Let’s walk.

My journey began at the end of another.

You see, while in college I started a non-profit that grew quicker than I was ready for at the time. By my senior year of college, we had raised over $100,000 for the organization via grants and I had made $30,000 to pay for university via scholarships.

Though almost a college graduate, my mind was still at a second grade level for how to manage money and, more so, life. Though I didn’t spend arrogantly, I did spend. Boy, did I spend.

I bought my co-workers iPhones and new laptops to help the organization. I bought a gas-guzzling SUV because I thought it looked cool. And if we counted all the items existing in Cait’s fridge in July, I probably went out to eat that many times each month x two.

And near the end of it, I even bought myself a $1,300 suit.

Ahh! Is that a bear!? Oh, whew. It’s just a decaying stump off in the distance. Thank goodness.

Anyways, like I said, when one thing’s ready to end another is ready to begin…

A few weeks after I bought that suit, I found myself in my accountant’s white-walled office nervously shuffling my feet. He was figuring out my taxes. After clicking away on his keyboard, he looked across his desk and with the glare of the screen on his face said, “Ryland, It looks like you owe $6,752”.

I started to tear up.

I had spent everything. To be honest, I had spent more than everything, and I didn’t even know where it went.

I wasn’t raised like that. I was raised to live within my means and to appreciate the small things by two beautiful parents in a lower-middle class home.

But there I sat, clueless as to how I had spent all my money in just over three years and scared because I had nothing left to pay the debt.

I left the office that day in tears, but knowing I needed to make a change.

Ooo! Look here. The morning dew on this old brown leaf is rolling off into the soil, and right before it gets to the soil the sun catches it and it shimmers. It seems to happen every time. How neat.

My wonderful dad had always told me, “You never want to go into debt. Seriously, Ryland. If that ever happens, do whatever it takes.”

His voice was whispering over and over in my head as I left my accountant’s office. So, over the next few days, I sold my car; I sold my far too many surfboards; and I sold my beloved trumpet to pay off the taxes immediately and cover my next few months of rent.

I cleared my life of things, both the unnecessary and the beloved, and it forced me to slow down and reflect.

I began reading books — something I hadn’t done outside of school in years. I flipped through The Giver, The Way of The Peaceful Warrior and Siddartha, as my first three to many, many more.

I began buying only the healthy food I needed. Fish, nuts, eggs, fruits and veggies replaced the daily grub of pizza, bagels and mac and cheese.

And I began taking slow walks — a lot like this one — and asking myself questions that I regularly seemed to overlook in the quickness and clutter of my past. Questions like: What did I really want out of this life? What deep down brought me happiness? Was I heading in a direction authentic to my hopes and dreams?

After a month or two of this, I became clear on what I needed to do.

I decided I had too much responsibility than I was ready for, that I needed to spend more time present with my family and my friends and that I never, ever wanted my life to feel constricted by money or stuff again.

So, I ended up leaving the organization I had started, moving back home to be closer to my mom, dad and sister, and getting a job I was excited about in the city neighboring my hometown. Goodness, were those changes harder than those 36 words make it sound. But the future that grew from them and the newly adopted minimalist mindset that arose was amazing.

I sometimes think we all should rid of our belongings every few years. The act of accepting impermanence is kind of like watching an old growth forest burn to the ground. You may only see the flames, but hidden from sight are seeds releasing from their pods and ash falling to fertilize the soil.

Life re-began. On my way home from the accountant’s office that day, I realized I had three simple goals:

Lower my stress levels at work.

Connect with family and friends.

Make money easy.

I moved my few belongings into my old room at my parents house, and began catching the bus to the train to work each morning starting at 5am. I used the hour commute to read, write in my journal, and continue reflecting on what I was doing and how I wanted to redesign my life. Every month, I would write out how I wanted to treat my body with exercise and food, my mind with meditation, reading and writing, and my life with goals and values for both personal and work life.

Whenever I felt off-centred, I’d open up the journal and check-in. What did I say I wanted to bring into my life? How can I refocus to make them happen? Then at the end of each month, I would reflect and write how each part had gone and what I wanted to bring into my life over the next month.

The process was amazing.

It was kind of like this seedling here that’s bending its stem toward the sunlight. Somehow, the little guy learns where the dim bit of light is shining through. And then, with the help of a hormone called Auxin, it grows toward the light.

Nature. (Deep breath.) Beautiful.

The process gave me direction. It held me accountable. And it gave me perspective. After a few months, I was able to look back and see how much I’d grown.

Over my first few months, I began reconnecting with my parents as an adult rather than as a kid. I started doing fun hikes, cycles, and surfs with old and new friends. And I started stashing away 60%+ of every paycheck.

But as with all things alive and well, I tripped.

About four months in, I began to want to take off on more weekend micro-adventures. I wanted a car. I needed a car.

As is the right thing to do, I asked for advice from my parents, family, friends, Mr. Money Mustache and Google on how to purchase a long-lasting used car. The tip I heard over and over again was to get the car checked by a family/friend/co-worker-recommended mechanic before buying.

Then, I threw all of their advice out the window and bought one for $5,400 — a 2001 Volvo XC70 to be exact.

Over the next seven months, I spent over $4,000 on mechanic costs and found myself sitting on the side of the road waiting for a pick-up more than five times. By the eighth month, I sold it as a “mechanic special” on Craigslist for $900.

All in all, I lost almost $10,000 on that car in under a year. I felt I had wrecked my journey to make money easy and de-stress my life.

Hmph… Look at how funny this tree grew. It literally looped over on itself near the stump, but still grew into a beautiful tree. I actually think the loop makes it more beautiful.

Maybe we all should look at life a bit more like how we look at trees. Well, at least I might start looking at life that way.

Around the same time, I made the move out of my parents place and into a place with co-workers in the city. I happily took the smallest room in the apartment. It’s amazing looking back: in the two-and-a-half years I lived there, that simple decision added an extra $10,000+ to my values and goals rather than to my landlord’s wallet.

With the new apartment came a new social scene. And quickly, I became well-aware of how different I viewed things and luxuries than my peers. Bars, brunches and lunches out were the norm. New kicks, brand name clothes and expensive shades were commonplace. And complaining about not having enough money was a part of the daily conversation.

I wanted to speak up. I wanted to share how I’d been able to deeply enjoy my everyday life by consciously consuming less stuff and luxuries and also consistently growing my net worth. I wanted to help!

But each time I tried in person, I didn’t seem to get anywhere. My best attempts fell short over and over and over. I felt like I had the answer, but for some reason, I couldn’t help.

I began to consider writing and sharing my thoughts online. But every time the idea came up, thoughts like, There’s so many people out there doing this already who are better than me, and What if the whole thing failed? stopped me in my tracks.

One evening, I was catching up with an old friend on the phone. And somewhere along the conversation she asked, “Do you have any new things you want to be doing?”

I pondered whether or not I should tell her about wanting to start writing and sharing my views on living a fulfilling life and making money easy. And since we were so comfortable with each other, I sheepishly decided to tell her about it. I told her how my thoughts kept holding me back, and she asked if I wanted to share a few posts of what I was thinking just with her.

A huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I couldn’t believe she offered that! I immediately said, “Yes.” And over the next two weeks wrote five different emails.

The shadows on the path over there look like a bunch of forest critters on the path. Don’t they? I know they’re just shadows but they almost made me stop to ask if we could turn around. Hah! Just my mind playing tricks on me. Silly me. Let’s keep walking — one step at a time.

I continued writing more, and started sharing the emails with my close friends and family. And soon enough I set up a small blog. I didn’t get much of a response for almost two years. But getting a response was never the point. The act of writing out my thoughts was pleasure enough.

Somewhere around this point, I started to get a few questions from friends about how they could make some of the changes themselves. It was small, but it was what I had wanted to help with at the start!

So, I helped. And I didn’t just Facebook message them a tip here or there. I actively engaged with their problems (most which were around money) week after week, and helped them get to a solution (most of which circumnavigated a bit of minimalism).

By listening, I began to learn the common problem areas experienced by my outdoor loving friends — things like: how to approach student loans/debt and saving, how to budget better and how to make more money. And by guiding them to their solution, I began recognizing the approaches that worked and didn’t for different people and different problems.

Also by sticking with them till they achieved their solution, the word spread a bit. And today I have a few coaching clients, and have put together a course with the aim of helping students save +20% of every paycheck, every month, forever.

We’ve had a few small groups run through the course, and each of them are writing articles about their experience and transformation that are slowly popping up on the site.

Whew! We’ve been walking for a while now. I think I’m going to break here at this tree. It looks just big enough to provide us some shade, if you’d like to join.

You know what’s really funny as we sit here? I’m still nervous to put my stuff out. Those silly thoughts of “Will I fail?” still come up.

The only difference now is I know that when they come up, it’s always been when I’m on the brink of doing something I’ve always wanted. So when I feel that fear creep in, I say things like:

“Oh! Fear. Is that you? Oh, whew. It’s just you. Great. I’m glad you’re here because you always come around at times like these. So look. Don’t go anywhere. I’m going to need you. We’re going to do this together just like we always have.”

Sounds funny. But yeah, I actually say that out loud sometimes. I even said it before our walk together. Seriously. This walk we just took together is my first guest post in years, and it had me nervous before we started.

Well I think I’m going to stay here for a while… Water this tree, help it grow, say, “Hello” to the other passersby.

Thank you for coming with me. I’ve had a great time. And thank you to Cait for helping put this whole thing together. (I’ve been a big fan since the days of Blonde on a Budget, and her sharing her journey has definitely helped shape mine. So, thank you, Cait!)

If you want to see what I’m up to next time you’re walking the path, come say, “Hello!” at The Hidden Green.

I’ll be over there helping outdoor lovers increase their net worth each and every month. :)

Ryland King is a writer, outdoorsman and surfer. His goal is to make money easy for outdoor loving people so they can stay focused on life’s adventures. If that interests you, check out his FREE 9 lesson course aimed at giving adventurous people peace of mind with their personal finances.

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