Okay, but the bathroom trap from Alison Gordon's perspective is insane. Imagine you and your daughter are being held at gunpoint by a kidnapper. Your husband can save you-- his wife and mother of his child-- himself, and his own daughter by giving a quick and painless death to a complete stranger. Instead he spends several hours playing twenty questions with some random twink while you desperately fight your way out of an unwinnable situation by the power of pure rage. This is why she fucking left you, Larry.

Navigating November 2022

Above Photo: How we intend to spend the remaining winter nights

You can find the best tweets of the month over here and here.

TIP: If you don’t pay for a Spotify subscription and you hate ads: just close the app every time an ad starts and then reopen the app and the song will start. How did it take me years to learn this?

So for the first time in nine years, Milk Bar didn’t have their Thanksgiving croissant. Criticisms have been declared and letters have been MAILED. If you think I’m kidding, you really don’t know me.

I rarely go to bars, but I went to Witching Hour in Brooklyn and I just loved the layout and general vibe. Must remember.

I returned to Minetta Tavern and it’s not as great as it used to be! You’re very crammed into each table and the food wasn’t really worth the price anymore. So that’s rough to realize.

Above Photo: Poppies should be worn year round

I also went to Don Angie for the first time and the lasagna is as good as they hype it up to be - same with their incredibly photogenic salad. Make sure to skip the veal tartare and the dessert, though.

I tried the Thanksgiving dumplings from Mimi Cheng’s and they were just all right, which was a little disappointing. Maybe I’m still in mourning for the Milk Bar croissants.

The Starbucks seasonal drinks keep making me sick and I keep returning for more. Someone explain?

Obsessed with this slip I got from Free People.

Made a batch of the insanely good Alison Roman chocolate chip shortbread cookies for the freezer, to make closer to Christmas.

So there was a beautiful, summer-y day in early November so I found an outdoor pool and headed to The Rockaway Hotel. Day passes for their heated pool are $30 all season, which is kind of amazing.

Above Photo: The Rockaway Hotel Pool, November 2022

Above Photo: Tanning in November

Some links I loved:

This great Times piece on all kinds of stuffing.

Some good cookie-making tips from Ina.

I had no idea Coney Island used to have these grand, gorgeous hotels.

How to donate stuff straight from home.

I got a drink at Miracle on 9th Street which was very cute and the drinks were great. If I’d known it was all the way over near Avenue C, I might not have gone but I’m glad I did.

Above Photo: Drinks at Miracle on 9th Street, Manhattan

Some things I watched:

Terrifier: okay I shouldn’t really count this since I saw a total of fifteen minutes before leaving the room. But Nathan continued watching it, so I could hear all the screams and sounds from the bedroom and I still somehow had nightmares?? So no I won’t be watching the sequel.

We saw Halloween Ends on November 1st and it has to be the absolute worst Halloween of the entire franchise. Just unreal. It felt like punishment for trying to watch a horror movie past October 31st, so lesson learned.

The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror XXXIII: it’s a bit depressing to hear how old Marge’s voice has become (this is an awful thought to voice and I apologize), but the Halloween episode was so good this year (especially the last segment).

Falling For Christmas: I am not a Hallmark movie person, but I was bored so I put this on and… I’m still firmly not a Hallmark person. These types of movies aren’t even enjoyably bad, I don’t get it.

A Christmas Story: this was never in my favourites of Christmas movies and it’s a very okay movie. Hundreds of better Christmas movies, though.

Knives Out: it was completely all right, nothing fantastic. I really hated Daniel Craig’s accent and the whole throwing-up-if-lying detail. Just seemed like a bad first screenplay idea.

The Fabelmans: it was good but not as epic as I’d hoped. It was really good at showing the memorable relationships through a child’s eye, especially when a kid starts to see his parents as real people.

The Crown (seasons 1-2): Love it, can’t wait to keep going. John Lithgow is wonderful. Loved this line: “I find, in general, people have very little understanding of who they are. One has to turn a blind eye to so much of oneself in order to get through life.”

Don’t ask me why but I watched some of the last season of The Big Bang Theory and just UGH. What a terrible show that was. The fact that the writers made Penny pregnant in the series finale even though there were countless episodes beforehand where she confidently said she wasn’t going to have children. JUST UGH. Of course it was written by a man.

I’ve already gone a few times, but the Union Square Holiday Market is really great this year.

You’re already Christmas shopping so just a gentle reminder: get the gift receipt.

The snow is coming and you will slip and possibly fall. Act accordingly.

I used to absolutely love Yogi Bear’s All Star Christmas Caper (it came out in 1982) and it absolutely still holds up. Link over here if you have kids and/or love nostalgia.

Some things I’m looking forward to this month: of course I’ll be lighting my bayberry candles on Christmas Eve as well as New Year’s Eve, December is always the most expensive month but it doesn’t have to be, don’t forget to buy your mistletoe, I’ll definitely watch some of these, I’ll absolutely watch The Snowman yet again, I’ll make a family Christmas video again, if you’re in Ontario you kind of have to ice skate on this gorgeous path, and once again I’m begging you not to give lottery tickets as gifts.

If you have any interest in reading what went on in October, come on over here.

February 23: Orphan Black 4x03

Took a nap after work but then DID rouse myself to make a real dinner and watch Orphan Black. This was a very good, but very BUSY episode. So far S4 is keeping up the quality for sure.

It seemed like just about every character had at least a scene or reference in the episode. I’ll try to go through them story line by story line as I remember them:

Rachel: I’m not the biggest Rachel fan but I enjoyed her today. Big 2020 feels: the isolation, the confusion...the online classes. I think her bionic eye or whatever is very cool. I don’t really care so much about Susan, or Charlotte, or Ira, but I don’t have anything against them either, and I enjoy seeing Rachel trying to troll everyone around her like an animal pacing around in a cage.

Sarah: Big horror vibes. I don’t remember what this implanted bot story line ultimately comes to but the ingredients are certainly all there: the vaguely sci-fi nature of it, the mystery, the grotesquerie of the placement of the implant, the body horror of it all. The scene where she’s trying to get it taken out at the dentist had me so tense I couldn’t move. I realized just how much I really do have a grossed-out feeling about mouth stuff in particular sdfasfjadsfjj. I absolutely didn’t trust that lady BUT I understood Sarah’s desperation, plus the casting was great: she looked trustworthy and innocent and sweet. Also, what must she have thought of Beth’s journey over the last months if that’s how she’s dressing and styling herself lol?

I’m glad we’re seeing more of Art. He’s the sidekick Felix doesn’t want to be! But in a good way. The series as a whole is really missing Art. And Beth is still haunting the narrative, though we didn’t get anything really new on her today.

Felix: I have vague bad feelings about this ‘finding his birth family’ story. The sister (”sister”) sure is annoying, and she brings out the worst of him. I’m not really compelled by the story but I appreciate that they tried it because I do think this is where Felix is in his personal story at this point: he’s been the sidekick and the “clone brother” for too long, and he needs to practice some self-care.

Kira: They’re really going all in on this Kira-has-powers thing, huh? Not gonna lie, I like it.

Cosima: As often happens, Cosima was more a side character today, just kind of showing up to prop up other people--Kira, Alison--but I’m looking forward to her getting to play with Leekie’s severed head next time.

Alison, Helena, and Donnie: Obviously my favorite story line. I loooooove the Hendrixes being their insane, unapologetic selves. Like I don’t even have anything to say about it other than it’s always fun and it never gets old. I waited so long for them to be on the same page but now they always are; they are the Ideal Marriage. The scene in which they explain their ‘find’ to Cosima is probably the best thing to ever be filmed. “An occurrence...occurred.” “Anyway one thing led to another and I did shoot Dr. Leekie and bury him in the garage.” (It’s that “did” that really gets to me, like he’s already anticipating someone arguing or disbelieving) “You killed Aldous Leeikie?” / “Boy did I ever!” And Cosima’s fish-eye-lens, grainy face staring at them over Skype the whole time, mouth open, staring in an unfocused way because of the nature of video calls.

It’s only because of this scene that Helena wasn’t the humor MVP of the episode because she was especially on point today. It’s so bizarre to me to get a reminder, through the shot of the wing pattern scars on her back, of her character in S1. Even though they did the transition well, if you think about just that season and then just this... off the wall. Anyway, I especially liked “Doorbellings,” “Husband Donald,” “I will continue to be hostess,” “Did you meet them?” / “No, they died,” and in particular “Can I offer you some breads?” She’s trying so hard. Also, her short conversation with Sarah about the twins was adorable.

I know I’ve talked before about what exactly is the horror of Neolution, like why they are compelling victims, if they are, and... again, it really could all fall apart at any moment, but I do think there’s something disturbing in a primal, visceral way (versus like...the evil of corporate greed) about eugenics, human experimentation, body modification. The ambition of a “perfect” or even better human is understandable, I mean people have a penchant for self-improvement, and they also like power, which a perfect human could get you, and it’s also less abstract than “money.” But at the same time, there’s really nothing more invasive and viscerally horrible than the idea of someone altering or changing or invading your very body, as they’re dong. It’s also less abstract than cloning; it takes the bodily-autonomy horror that was hinted at before and brings it home, while also taking it to 11. Basically my way of saying that I’m really digging the creative choices the show made this season--at least, dun dun dun, so far.

Living, Learning, and Filming  Ch. 7| Connor Brashier

A/n: Hi, I’m back lol. Here’s this part that I don’t really like but you know, the show must go on. 

Summary: things aren’t looking too good for this “happy couple”

Warnings: shit writing, shit ending, shit beginning, look the whole thing is shit, okay?

Word count: about 1.2k she short

***

Week 7

To say things were awkward is an understatement. I didn’t want it to be this way; of course I didn’t, but this is just how it is, I guess. The videos aren’t as authentic, the laughs aren’t as genuine, the love isn’t there. At least, not on her side. She won’t look at me, making things even worse because it’s only been five days and not seeing her eyes shining so bright in the sun is killing me. I don’t know how I’m going to last another five weeks without her shiny eyes and electric smile. If I’m being honest, I might go insane. 

“You coming out tonight, or what?” Brian comes into my room, his eyes glued to his phone.

“Can’t. I’m working.”

“You’re always working,” he mutters.

“Yeah, I am. You should try it sometime,” I grumble.

“Alright, hey. That’s it, you need to get out of this place. You’re driving yourself crazy.”

“No, I’m not. Go away.”

“Dude, she didn’t say it back. So what? Go get laid and forget about it.”

“Were you not listening to what I told her, Brain?” I turn in my seat, staring straight at the red head in front of me. “I told her that I was in love with her. That’s not exactly something that you just get over with a quick fuck with some random girl at a bar.”

“No, maybe not, but it’ll get your mind off of it. Even if it’s just for a little while. Just go out for one night, man. This isn’t good for you.”

“How do you know what’s good for me?” I question defensively.

“I’m your friend, Connor. I care about you, and I’m worried. I need you to take care of yourself.”

“I am,’ I argue.

“No, you’re not. You’re sitting here sulking over a girl who you’ve known for just two months. And for what? Because she didn’t say that she was in love with you? How do you even know you’re in love with her? You told me when it started that-”

“I know what I said.”  I scrunch up my face, disgusted with past me. “And yeah, this started as a game to me. It was just fun. But the more time I spent with her, and the more I got to know her, the more I regretted ever treating this like a joke. I felt myself falling every day and I did nothing to stop it. I’m in love with her, Brian. And I’ll say it over and over again until she believes me. Until everyone believes me. I love her. I lost.”

He chuckles. 

“What?” I ask, clearly irritated with him. 

“Nothing, it’s just… I think I know why she doesn’t believe you.”

“What the fuck are you going on about?”

“You said you love her. But you also said you lost. You’re saying it like it’s still a game to you. Like you have something to lose. So is it or isn’t it? Are you playing her and everyone else? And for what? Because Shawn asked her out?”

“That’s not-”

“Is it or isn’t it?”

I let out a deep breath. “No.”

“Then you didn’t lose.”

I shake my head, “She didn’t say it back.”

He laughs again, “God, I love you, bud. But you can be so completely naive sometimes. Just because she didn’t say it doesn’t mean she doesn’t feel it.” He turns in the doorway but stops, “Oh, but think about what I said, about coming out. I really do think it’d be good for you.”

---

“I got you something,” I slide into the seat in front of y/n, smiling despite her too straight posture and fake, tight lipped smile. 

“Connor, you shouldn’t-”

“I know. But I wanted to.” I take the gift out of my bag and set it on the table in front of her. 

Her eyes go wide as they scan the cover. “How did you find this?”

“Checked every used bookstore in the state pretty much,” I shrug like it’s no big deal. (It isn’t, just so we’re clear.) “I noticed when I was looking through your books the other day that you had a few different copies of this one. I assume they’re different versions or covers. So I wanted to get it for you.”

I watch her shoulders fall while she looks at the book in her hands. “Thank you. But… I can’t take this.”

“Yes, you can. Because I am not taking it back from you. So take it. Enjoy it. I won’t get much use out of it.”

“Connor,” she looks at me with sad eyes and I hate it. 

“Don’t worry about it.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I don’t-”

“For last week.”

“Oh,” I look down at my hands. “It’s okay.”

“No it’s not. I need you to know that I -”

“Y/n, really. It’s fine. You don’t feel it now and that’s okay.” I turn the cup in front of me so the logo is facing me. “But it doesn’t change the way I feel about you. And I know that makes you uncomfortable, so that’s the last I’m gonna mention it, okay? We still have to work together for the next few weeks and I want it to be as normal as possible.” 

“I know. I want that too.”

I know it can’t be, though. I won’t be. But this is what the video is supposed to be. Two college students falling in love with each other - or with other people. That realization hits me then. Our project proposal said that we would follow the lives of two average college students while they tackle school and learn to love. We said we’d follow their attempts at finding love in each other, or in others. It didn’t have to be she fell in love with me as I fell in love with her. And it isn’t. I’m falling for her and she’s not falling at all, unless it’s for someone else. Someone she won’t tell me about. 

But maybe it can be normal. Because our normal is just me falling deeper and deeper each day, hoping and waiting for her to do the same. So, if we’re honest, it’s still the same, and the only difference is that she knows how I feel, but I don’t know how she feels.

---

I roll my eyes when I see who’s calling me. “Yeah?” I answer, still typing away at my computer. 

“Hey, I have to tell you something.” Shawn’s voice fills the room.

“Okay.”

“I asked out y/n.”

I roll my eyes. “I know.”

“No, today. I asked her out today.”

My entire body freezes. My blood runs completely cold, and honestly I’m not quite sure I’m still breathing. 

“Connor? You still there?” He asks.

“Why do I need to know this?” I question, a little more bite in my voice than anticipated.

“She said yes.”

She said what now?

“Connor? Connor. Are you still there?”

I don’t know. “I’m here.”

“Is it okay that I asked her out?”

Little fucking late to ask that, no? “Sure, that’s fine,” I say through clenched teeth. “Look I have to go, I have homework due tonight.”

“Oh, yeah, sure. Good -” I hang up, throwing my phone across the room. Guess I know how she feels now.

***

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The Littlest Timelord: The New Doctor Chapter 7

TITLE: The Littlest Timelord: The New Doctor Chapter 7 PAIRING: No Pairing RATING: T CHAPTER: 7/? SUMMARY: With the Doctor newly regenerated, he and Elise must now navigate their new relationship. The Doctor is an old man and Elise is a headstrong young woman. She is no longer the scared little girl the Doctor saved all those years ago. Will Clara be able to keep them from killing each other?

[A/N - Been a while, huh! Not sure who’s still here, but I’m trying to not pressure myself to work on this, because I do have other interests and ideas.]

“The Daleks will be victorious. The rebels will be exterminated.”

“Colonel? What's happening out there?” Journey asked, but they got no answer, only Rusty yelling, “Exterminate.”

“Dalek fleet. Communications open.”

“Doctor, what happened?” Clara asked.

“Do you see?” the Doctor said.

“Do I see what?”

“Daleks don't turn good. It was just radiation affecting its brain chemistry, nothing more than that. No miracle.”

“Let me get this straight. We had a good Dalek, and we made it bad again? That's all we've done?” Journey asked.

“There was never a good Dalek. There was a broken Dalek and we repaired it.” “You were supposed to be helping us.”

“I gave it a shot. It didn't work out. It was a Dalek, what did you expect?”

“No more talking. You are done! Okay, new objective. We are taking this Dalek down.”

“With us inside? Are you insane!” Elise yelled.

“Exterminate. Exterminate.”

The Doctor turned to look at Clara. “What's that look for?”

“It's the look you get when I'm about to slap you.” She slapped him hard, surprising both the Doctor and Elise.

“Ow. Clara!”

“Are we going to die in here? I mean, there's a little bit of you that's pleased. The Daleks are evil after all. Everything makes sense. The Doctor is right!”

“Daleks are evil. Irreversibly so. That's what we just learned.”

“No, Doctor, that is not what we just learned!”

“Exterminate. Exterminate.”

Clara looked at Elise, who nodded, encouraging the small brunette to go on. If anyone could calm down this situation, it was Clara, not two hotheaded Scottish Timelords.

“We need to place these charges for maximum effect. I'm going to scan the rest of the architecture for weaknesses,” Journey told her fellow soldier.

“One question,” Clara said.

“No time.”

“Why did we come here today? What was the point?” Clara turned to the Doctor. “You. You thought there was a good Dalek. What difference would one good Dalek make?”

“All the difference in the universe, but it's impossible,” the Doctor said.

“Is that a fact? Is that really what we've learned today? Think about it. Is that what we learned?”

“Journey, what the hell's happening? That thing's set the Daleks on us. And it's locked us out of our defenses. Journey, you're the Aristotle's only hope. I need you to destroy that Dalek,” Journey’s uncle said.

“The rebels will be exterminated.”

“Whatever it takes.”

“Understood, Uncle,” Journey told him.

“I'm sorry.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

“Clara Oswald, do I really not pay you?” the Doctor asked.

Clara smiled. “You couldn't afford me.”

The Doctor ran over to Journey. “Whatever you're going to do, don't do it. This Dalek must not be destroyed. We can do better.”

“Are you out of your mind?”

“No, I'm inside a Dalek. I'm standing where I've never been. We cannot waste this chance. It won't come again.”

“What chance? I have my orders.”

“Soldiers take orders.”

“And I'm a soldier.”

“A Dalek is a better soldier than you will ever be. You can't win this way.”

Journey held up a grenade, ready to pull the pin, but then put it down. “Argh! So what do we do?”

“Something better.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“The Dalek isn't just some angry blob in a Dalekanium tank,” the Doctor said as he pulled the women over the ledge, “If it was, the radiation would have turned it into a raging lunatic.”

“It is a raging lunatic, it's a Dalek,” Journey commented.

Elise had to admit she had a point.

“But for a moment, it wasn't. The radiation allowed it to expand its consciousness, to consider things beyond its natural terms of reference. It became good. That means a good Dalek is possible. That's what we learned today. Am I right, teach?”

“Top of the class!”

“But now it's back to how it was,” Journey said.

“But what it saw, what it felt, is still there.”

“Yeah, I'm not really seeing that.”

“Not here. There.” He pointed up.

A lightbulb went off in Elise’s mind. “Oh my god.” She locked eyes with the Doctor and he nodded. “That’s brilliant! If it works that is…”

“Someone explain to me what’s going on. You want us to go to the cortex vault?” Journey asked, not following the father and daughter’s silent conversation.

“The evil engineering?” Clara asked.

“Every memory recorded. Some suppressed, but all still intact. We need to show the Dalek that star being born again. Recreate that moment. You need to get up there, find that moment and reawaken it.”

“Me?”

“Yes, you. Good idea.”

“How?”

“Haven't the foggiest. Do a clever thing. And then once you've done it, the Dalek will be suggestible to new ideas. It will be open again. And I will show it something that will change its mind forever.”

“What?” Journey asked him.

“Not a clue.”

“This is crazy. There is no way that we can get back up there in time.”

“Yes, there is,” the female soldier said. She cocked her harpoon rifle.

“No, Gretchen. It'll bring the antibodies back down on us.”

Gretchen turned to Clara. “Tell me the truth. Is he mad, or is he right? I've come this far. Probably going to die anyway. Wouldn't mind something to do for the rest of my life. Is he mad, or is he right?”

“Hand on my heart? Most days he's both,” Clara told her.

Gretchen turned to the Doctor. “One question, then. Is this worth it?”

“If I can turn one Dalek, I can turn them all. I can save the future.”

“Gretchen Alison Carlisle. Do something good and name it after me.”

“I will do something amazing, I promise.”

“Damn well better.” Gretchen primed her harpoon.

“No, Gretchen,” Journey cried.

Gretchen fired two wires up to the cranial ledge. “Go.”

Antibodies started to approach.

“They're coming. They're coming,” Clara said.

Journey fastened a pulley onto the wire. “Grab hold of the rope. Don't look down,” she told Clara.

“Good luck,” Gretchen said.

Journey and Clara flew upward.

Gretchen started shooting the antibodies as the Doctor grabbed Elise by the arm, pulling her away.

“You shouldn’t have to watch that,” he said softly.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

They wandered through the Dalek until they came to the compartment that held the Dalek itself.

“Well, Rusty, here we are. Eye to eye,” the Doctor said.

“You cannot save the humans. They will be exterminated. I shall join the Dalek units in the final attack.”

“I saved your life, Rusty. Now I'm going to go one better. I'm going to save your soul.”

“Daleks do not have souls.”

“Oh, no? Imagine if you did. What then, Rusty? What would happen then?”

There were flashes and images of dying soldier appeared on the screens around them.

“Your memories. I'm about to give some back to you.”

The Doctor pulled out his sonic screwdriver and start to cut through the tubing covering the Dalek’s neurons. “See, all those years ago, when I began…I was just running. I called myself the Doctor, but it was just a name. And then I went to Skaro. And then I met you lot and I understood who I was. The Doctor was not the Daleks.”

Elise had never heard this story before, even after traveling with him for over a thousand years at this point.

The Doctor pulled out some of the neurons.

More memories flashed on the screen. Daleks flying in space and attacking a ship.

“Oh, look. It's your memories again. It's like somebody's mucking about up there. Memories, all those memories. Do you remember the star you saw being born?”

“I…I remember.”

The memory of the star being born appeared on the screen.

“You saw the truth, Rusty. Remember how you felt. You saw a star being born. The endless rebirth of the universe.”

“No.”

“And you realized the truth about the Daleks…”

“Truth? What is the truth?”

“Let me show you the truth. I've opened your mind and now I'm coming in.” The Doctor spliced two pieces of a neuron together. He cried out in pain.

“Doctor!” Elise yelled. She wanted to grab him and stop him, but they’d been traveling together for so long that she had to have faith that he knew what he was doing.

“I'm part of you. My mind is in your mind,” the Doctor told him.

“I see your mind, Doctor. I see your universe.”

“And isn't the universe beautiful?”

“I see beauty.”

“Yes, that's good. That is good. Hold on to that.”

“I see endless, divine perfection.”

“Make it a part of you. Remember how you feel right now. Put it inside you and live by it.”

“I see into your soul, Doctor. I see beauty. I see divinity. I see hatred.”

“Hatred?”

“I see your hatred of the Daleks and it is good.”

“No, no, no. You must see more than that, there must be more than that.”

“Death to the Daleks. Death to the Daleks. Death to the Daleks.”

“No, there must be more than that. There must be more than that. Please.”

“Daleks are evil. Daleks must be exterminated. Daleks are evil. Daleks must be exterminated. Exterminate. The Daleks are exterminated.”

“Of course they are. That's what you do, isn't it?”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“What about you, Rusty?” Clara asked after they returned to being normal-sized.

“I must go with them,” Rusty said.

“Of course you must. You've unfinished work, haven't you?” the Doctor asked.

“Victory is yours, but it does not please you.”

“You looked inside me and you saw hatred. That's not victory. Victory would have been a good Dalek.”

“I am not a good Dalek. You are a good Dalek.” Rusty turned to leave, then looked back at the Doctor.

“Till the next time,” the Doctor said. He turned away and made his way back to the TARDIS.

“Is he leaving? Isn't he going to say goodbye?” Journey asked.

“I think that was it. Yep, that was it. Sorry, got to run,” Clara said. She grabbed Elise’s hand and they followed after him.

As they reached the TARDIS, Journey came up behind them. “Doctor. Take me with you.”

“I think you're probably nice. Underneath it all, I think you're kind and you're definitely brave. I just wish you hadn't been a soldier,” the Doctor told her.

They went inside the TARDIS and took off.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Clara came back into the control room in a new set of clothes. “How do I look?”

“Sort of short and round-ish, but with a good personality, which is the main thing,” the Doctor told her.

“I meant my clothes. I just changed.”

“Oh, good for you, still making an effort.”

The TARDIS landed.

“Okay, right, you're back in your cupboard, thirty seconds after you left.”

“When will I see you again?”

“Oh. Soon, I expect. Or later. One of those.”

Clara walked over to the door and opened it. “I don't know.”

“I'm sorry?”

“You asked me if you're a good man and the answer is, I don't know. But I think you try to be and I think that's probably the point.”

“I think you're probably an amazing teacher.”

“I think I'd better be.” Before she left, Elise walked over to her.

“Hey Clara?”

“Yeah, Elise?”

“…have fun on your date. He must be pretty special.”

Clara smiled. “He is.” Clara left and the Doctor put the TARDIS in flight.

“I’m sorry,” Elise said.

“For what?”

“That things didn’t turn out the way you planned.”

The Doctor shrugged. “What’s new?”

Elise looked at him.

“What is it?”

“I guess…part of me thought it might have worked. That there was a good Dalek. I thought that…that maybe the Time War would finally be over.”

The Doctor flipped a few switches. “What about the 70’s? You always loved that decade.”

Elise frowned. “I…I used to. Not anymore.”

“Okay, well where do you want to go?”

“I think I’ll just go read something the library.”

The Doctor tried not to let the disappoint show. Maybe she wasn’t comfortable going somewhere with him alone yet. He could respect that. Maybe she needed more time to adjust to the change. “Oh, of course. We’ve had quite day.”

Elise turned to go to her room, a tear escaping her eye. She could appreciate that he was trying, but it was like this body forgot everything his previous body knew about her.

Good morning! I was wondering if you could write a little Sam and Pam and the twins interaction? Or maybe Pam meeting the baby and learning his middle name is Wayne?? Or something? Por favor??? Gracias

Enjoy

******

Even though it had been a long night, Emily couldn’t stop staring at her son. It had only been hours since his birth. And she was so insanely in love that she couldn’t stand it. His birth had been different than the twins.

Emily and Alison had been wrestling with some wildly conflicting emotions when Lily and Grace had been born. The only people who knew the origins of Alison’s first pregnancy were their best friends. Emily had never told her mother the truth about what Alex Drake had done to her and Alison.

The pregnancy had been tough on both of them. They’d had lives thrust upon them that neither one of them asked for…against their consent. Deciding to have the babies had been a difficult choice.

But after months of depression and hours of labor they fell in love with them. That was the thing about babies. They had a way of making the entire world stop for just a moment. The idea that life could create something so amazing and innocent was an incredible notion. Babies were so pure and malleable. Watching a child seeing the world around them for the very first time was eye-opening.

The moment Lily took her first breath Alison felt like the world fell away, and her baby girl was the only thing she saw. The moment that Grace had latched on to Emily’s finger Emily didn’t care about anything else in the world.

The day their twins had been born their mothers had become putty in their hands.

Emily’s mother fell in love with them the instant she met them. She was the only grandparent they would ever have. And she spoiled the hell out of them.

Pam loved her granddaughters. She loved them when they snuggled up to her. She loved them when they made macaroni crafts for her in school. She loved them when they begged her to let them help her bake, even if it got a little messy. She even loved them when they were sullen and moody.

Emily and Alison knew that she would love her grandson just as much. There was nothing different about the love that they had for their baby boy. The only difference is that he had been a conscious choice. In fact, they had tried for him, several times. So the pregnancy hadn’t been as emotionally distressing.

The labor had been tough on Alison. Emily had stayed up with her all night…rubbing her back to help with the contractions, bringing her ice chips for the hunger pains and to cool her down, and wiping away her sweat and tears when it came time to push.

Alison had squeezed Emily’s hand so hard that her fingernails had drawn blood. She’d sprained Emily’s wrist, but Emily hadn’t said a word to her about it.

The hospital room was quiet now, which was a stark contrast to the madhouse it had been earlier. Emily looked at her wife, who was quietly sleeping in her hospital bed. Emily was sitting next to her, their son in her arms.

She reached up and swiped a tendril of Alison’s hair out of her face, her knuckles sweeping her skin. She looked beautiful even after the entire night of labor.

Hours ago Alison had been screaming at Emily, telling her she couldn’t do it. But when it came time to bring their baby boy into the world she was determined.

She’d pushed through. And when she held his tiny naked body against her bare chest for the first time she’d openly wept while kissing his head. He’d been wriggling at first, but when he felt the warmth of his mother’s bosom he’d stilled in her arms.

Alison had reached for Emily, weeping in joy…and in exhaustion. She’d kissed her bruised fingers and told her she loved her. Emily had kissed Alison’s sweaty forehead and put her other hand against their son’s belly. He’d been perfectly calm, like he knew he was safe.

Emily stared at the sleeping blonde. Her love for her was beyond eternal. She couldn’t imagine having a family with anyone else. They had wavered through hard times, but they always found their way back to each other. Because true love meant not letting the darkness drag them down. True love meant that even if they were apart…their hearts were still intertwined, and they always would be. They didn’t care what other people thought. What mattered was their connection. What mattered was their family.

Their son squirmed in Emily’s arms. His eyelids flickered and fluttered as he dreamed. She thought she saw a tiny smile.

She traced her index finger across his impossibly small fingers. In an unconscious reflex his palm flipped over and grasped Emily’s finger. Emily felt a warmth flowing through her entire body. She never wanted to let him go.

He puckered his lips and started sucking against the air. He opened his eyes, looking up at her curiously, as if he knew exactly who she was.

“Hey, sweet boy.” Emily cooed quietly. She gently rose to her feet, rocking him softly.

His wide eyes scanned Emily’s face. He furrowed his little brows and opened his mouth and a tiny little squeak came out.

Emily smiled. He was so perfect. She kissed his little button nose and watched as he scrunched his face up. It looked like he was thinking…like he was trying to figure something out.

“Hi, Sammy. Hi, baby.” She was mesmerized.

She heard soft footsteps approaching. She assumed it was the nurse coming to check in on them. She didn’t even bother looking up, because looking away meant that she’d miss a moment of her child’s life. She knew how quickly it went by. The girls had grown up in the blink of an eye.

“Em?”

Emily looked up when she heard her mother’s voice. She had a gift basket in her arms. It didn’t surprise Emily. Her mother was always ready for any occasion. The basket had a teddy bear, several plush toys, booties, blankets, hats, and some lotions and diaper creams. She’d also put in two bottles of chardonnay for the new mommies. It was her own personal touch. She quietly put the basket down on the chair near the door.

“Hey, honey.” Pam said quietly, her eyes darting to a sleeping Alison in the bed.

“Mom. Hi.” 

“Is this a bad time? I tried calling.”

“Oh…” Emily reached in her back pocket. “I turned my phone off when he fell asleep.”

Pam walked over to her daughter. She looked down at the baby in her arms.

“God, he’s beautiful.” Pam caressed his cheek with her index finger. “You girls did a good job.”

“This was all Alison.” Emily glanced back at her wife. “She amazes me every day.” She slowly faced her mother again. She was trying to maintain eye contact, but it was hard to look anywhere but at her son. “His mommy is the strongest person I know.”

“Both of his mommies.” Pam put her hand on Emily’s shoulder. She looked at her grandson. He looked up at her, his neck twisting as he tried to scope out the new person staring down at him. “He is precious. You two must be so in love with him.” She ran her hand over the top of his head.

“We are.” Emily’s nose started to burn. She had cried several times already. She couldn’t contain her emotions. “You want to hold him?”

“He looks content right where he is right now.” In his mom’s arms.

Emily gently rocked him. He quietly babbled and made gurgling noises. Emily smiled down at him.

“Everyone always says that you can’t entirely understand what it’s like to love someone more than you love yourself…that you can’t get the love that a mother has for their child until you see them the first time. But something no one ever tells you is how much it hurts to love them.”

She felt like wrapping him up in a blanket and holding him close to her chest forever. She wanted to protect him from the world.

“You know, when Lily and Grace were born it was like our entire world changed. I didn’t realize how much of yourself that you lose in your children…and that you would willingly do it…that you willingly give them every part of your heart and your soul.” She lifted her son up so she could kiss his head. “I would do it a thousand times over.”

“I am so proud of you, Emmy. Of both of you.” Pam touched her cheek. She had seen her daughter grow from a shy insecure little girl to a beautiful woman with a beautiful family. And they were flourishing. “I know I made some mistakes…”

“I wouldn’t be who I am today without you and dad. I wouldn’t be here if things hadn’t gone exactly the way they’d gone when I was younger. The mistakes didn’t break me. They taught me. I know no one is perfect, not even parents.” Emily smiled at her. “Hell, I turned away from Lily and Grace one day and they crawled off in different directions and I thought I’d lost them forever. I found Grace in a pile of laundry and Lily in the kitchen cabinet. They both thought nearly giving me a heart attack was hysterical.”

“Babies are resilient.” Pam assured her.

“I know that now.” She looked down at the infant in her arms.

She couldn’t believe that they were going to go through it all over again. The girls were so old and independent now. It was a little intimidating to think about going through the baby stages again.

Emily had a weary look on her face. She hadn’t slept since they’d gotten to the hospital. It felt more important to let Alison get her rest. Her mother didn’t miss her exhaustion.

“You look so tired.”

“It was a long night.” Emily admitted.

“I can come back another time. I know Alison must be exhausted. I don’t want to wake her.”

“She’s awake.” The blonde said from behind them.

They both turned around and saw Alison slowly sitting up in the bed. She looked at Emily holding their son and she smiled. Seeing Emily with their babies made her heart swell. She looked at her mother-in-law.

“Hello, Pam.”

“Alison, how are you feeling, honey?” Pam walked over to her side. She sat down against the edge of the bed.

“I’ll be in good shape if you tell me that’s Russian River Valley.” She eyed the alcohol in the basket. She couldn’t wait to have a drink. She’d missed her wine during the pregnancy.

“I know what you like.” Pam nodded.

“Best Mother-in-law ever.” Alison reached out and touched her hand. Pam squeezed it.

“How’s the pain?”

“Not so bad. The worst part was the actual labor. It was longer than my first. And I waited too long and couldn’t get the epidural. I felt everything.”

“I hear that. Emily ripped me to shreds…” She glanced at her daughter.

“Mom.” Emily made a face.

Emily groaned in disgust. She hated hearing her mother talk about bodily functions. It was so very un-Pam Fields-like. But she’d mellowed out in her old age.

After Emily’s dad died her mother had changed quite a bit. She’d loosened up. Some of the more strict aspects of her personality fell away. Her husband’s death had softened her. And the birth of her grandchildren had made her think she was some kind of comedian. The twins thought she was oh-so-funny because she told them stories about their mom being a kid. Embarrassing stories.

“I still pee when I sneeze because of you.” Pam teased.

“The twins already bestowed that honor on me.” Alison admitted.

“Kegels help. It’s the only thing that got me back up and running down there after Emily…”  

“This is an awesome conversation,” Emily uttered dryly.

“They never apologize for ruining your body.” Pam winked at Alison. They glanced at each other, as if they were in on some kind of joke. Pam’s face softened. “I’m kidding, of course. Childbirth only makes our bodies more beautiful. They change, but the imperfections are worth it, because when you look at your babies…you realize you wouldn’t have it any other way.” Pam gave her daughter a warm smile.

“Tell that to the stitches in my vagina.” Alison scoffed.

“Okay, on that note…I’m taking my boy and leaving, because he certainly shouldn’t have to hear about his mother’s and his grandmother’s body parts.” She bounced the baby in her arms. “Let’s wait a little while before we warp him.”

“Lily and Grace will have him warped by the end of the week.” Alison reminded her.

“Where are the girls?” Pam questioned.

“Shit. I thought they were with you.” Alison raised her brows. “Emily…”

“They’re fine. They’re at home.” Emily walked towards the bed, joining her mother and Alison.

“The last time we left them alone Grace set the kitchen on fire.” She reached for her phone.

“And Lily put it out. They balance each other. It’s fine. Lily knows where the fire extinguisher is. She knows the number to the poison control hotline. And she knows better than to leave Grace unattended.” Emily tried to calm Alison’s nerves.

“Forget baby-proofing the house. We’re going to need to Lily-and-Grace proof the baby. Get some durable bubble wrap and a tiny little helmet.” Alison was only semi-joking.

“He’ll be fine. His mothers are tough.” Pam reached down to play with his fingers.

He cooed. He reached out and latched on to Pam’s finger.

“I think he wants his Grandma.” Alison smiled.

She turned the phone towards Pam, Emily, and the baby and snapped a picture, capturing the moment that Pam fell indefinitely in love with her grandson. All it had taken was his tiny little fingers latching on to her. He had her heart.

“You know ‘Grandma’ makes me feel so old.” Pam made a face.

“We could go back to Pam-ma.” Emily snickered. When Lily was little she’d declared that Pam was Pam-ma, because she couldn’t pronounce the ‘G’ correctly.

“No.” Pam smiled down at the little boy as Emily slowly passed him over to her. “We’re going to go old school with this sweet one. Filipino style.” She carefully cradled his head and wrapped her arms protectively around her grandson. “Hi, bubby. I’m your Lola. Just like I called my Grandma.”

He scrunched his face up and kicked his feet out, trying to readjust to being moved out of his mom’s arms. Pam lifted him up, moving him so that his face was in front of hers. His mouth fell open in a little ‘o’ and he blinked several times. She readjusted him, letting him curl against her body until he was comfortable. He smacked his lips together and then settled in her arms.

Pam had been a natural with the twins, too. She was great with babies. All of their friends’ babies had loved her, too. Sometimes Hanna would call Pam when she was overwhelmed and her mother was out of town. She’d gotten Hanna through colic with her daughter.

“I know I’m biased here, but I think he might be the most handsome little baby I’ve ever seen.” She tickled his nose.

“The calm nature is all Emily.” Alison reached for her wife’s hand. Emily took it. “The girls got my attitude, but with him…” Alison touched her son’s foot, “…I can tell he’s going to be more laid-back. And he definitely didn’t get that from me. I imagine all those late night talks and lullabies you sang to him got through to him.” Alison peered at the brunette.  

“Your father did that when I was pregnant with you.” Pam looked up at her daughter, tearing her eyes away from her grandson for a fraction of a second. “You were a calm baby. Your eyes were so bright. You were always watching…observing…like you were afraid you might miss something.”

“You’ve always been good at seeing things that no one else can see.” Alison rubbed Emily’s arm. After all, the brunette had seen the best in her.

“You got that from your dad, too.” Pam put her free hand on top of Emily’s hand. “He’d be so proud. I wish he was here…” She sighed sadly.

Emily and Alison glanced at one another, sharing a loving smile. Pam missed the exchange. She was too enamored with her new grandbaby.

“Dad is here.” Emily squeezed her mom’s hand, gently calling for her attention. “In a way.”

Emily looked down at her baby boy. She could only imagine how her father would have reacted to having a grandson. He would have loved it.

Pam looked up at her daughter and daughter-in-law, perplexed. Emily smiled at her.

Sam squeaked and then curled his head and pushed himself against Pam’s body.

“Your grandson here will always have a part of dad.” Emily blinked back tears. She could see the confusion on her mother’s face. “Did you see the name on his bracelet?”

Pam gripped the little hospital bracelet. She made out the name Samuel ‘W’ D-F.

“Samuel Wayne DiLaurentis-Fields.” Emily touched her son’s hands. “Meet your Lola, Samuel Wayne…”

Pam tore her eyes away from the baby and looked up at Emily, tears in her eyes. Hearing her husband’s name stirred a plethora of emotions inside of her. It had been years since she lost him, but she still slipped into the stages of grief quite easily.

“You named him after your father?” Pam’s voice trembled.

“It was Alison’s idea.” Emily grasped her wife’s hand.

Emily had wanted to name him after her dad, but she didn’t want to pressure Alison into it. She hadn’t had to say a word, because Alison suggested it the second they found out they were having a boy.

All Alison could think about was how big of a void her father’s death had left in Emily’s life. She remembered Emily crying before their wedding because he wasn’t there to walk her down the aisle. She’d tried to hide the pain. Alison and Pam had been able to see it, but she’d ended up looking beautiful anyway.

Jason had walked Alison down the aisle. Toby had walked Emily. But it wasn’t the same, and Alison knew it wasn’t the same. She knew because her parents weren’t around either. The difference for her was that she didn’t want her parents around.

Alison felt Wayne's absence, too, and she didn’t even know him very well. She wanted their son to have the best parts of their blended family.

“I want him to know his grandfather was a great man.” Alison reached up and touched her son’s cheek. “Wayne was a wonderful human being and I don’t doubt that his spirit lives on in him.”

Wayne Fields had been a kind man. A decent man. He loved his family more than anything, and Alison knew his grandson would be able to carry out his legacy.

They had entertained the twins with stories of their grandfather, and they wanted their son to feel connected to him, too.  

“We wanted him to hear stories about how his namesake saved lives and made the world a better place for his grandchildren to play in.” Her fingertip landed against Sam’s lips. He suckled against it.

“We want Sam to know about dad’s kind heart. And his corny dad jokes.” Emily laughed, though she had a tear slipping down her cheek, which Pam automatically reached up and wiped away. “And his obsession with going overboard on Christmas...”

“That man and his Christmas lights, I swear…” Pam said with a sad smile.

“He’s going to know dad’s love. Just like the girls.” Emily leaned her head against her mother’s shoulder.

There had been a time when Emily had pulled away from her mother. But after her dad died she’d gotten closer to her than she ever imagined possible. They wouldn’t have gotten through it without each other.

“I don’t know what to say, girls.” Pam looked between Emily and Alison and then back down at her grandson.

When she looked into his wide wandering eyes she could see an old soul. The soul of her late husband. It’s as if though he was destined to be in their lives.

“You don’t have to say anything.” Alison smiled at her mother-in-law.

Sam spoke for all of them when he let out a squeaky grunt and kicked his feet.

“I am so glad those little soccer legs aren’t kicking me anymore.” Alison chuckled, tickling the bottom of his foot.

“Dad liked soccer. He played it with the kids overseas, didn’t he?” Emily asked.

“He did.” Pam nodded. “Are you going to be a soccer star, Sammy?” She pulled his blanket up around him, making sure he was snug. “Or football? Whatever you want to do, your Lola will be on the sidelines cheering for you and embarrassing you in front of all your friends. Because that’s what grandparents do.”

She leaned down and rubbed her nose against his cheek. He cooed. She sniffed his hair. He had that beautiful new baby smell. She wished she could bottle it up and save it forever.

She glanced at Alison and Emily, who were sharing a quiet look of adoration.

“Why don’t you let me look after him for a little while?” Pam slowly got to her feet. “You two get some rest.”

Emily nodded as her mother walked out of the room to take her grandson on the tour of the hospital hallways. Even after she’d disappeared, Emily’s eyes were fixed on the door.

“Hey…” Alison gripped her wrist, trying to get her attention. She had seen the look in Emily’s eyes when she was talking about her father. “You okay?”

“Yeah.” Emily squeezed into the bed next to Alison carefully. She was trying to be mindful of her tender body. She knew she was sore. “I just miss him.”

Alison curled against her. She kissed her. She could taste the sorrow that Emily was hiding, but there was also a burst of joy. Their son couldn’t completely mend her broken heart, but he was certainly filling the gap that her father’s death had left there.

They laid in bed silently, Emily rubbing Alison’s back until the exhausted blonde fell asleep again. Emily wasn’t far behind her, as she dozed off right after. They knew their son was in good hands.

Sam had Pam’s heart completely. He made her feel connected to her husband again. She could feel Wayne’s energy surrounding them as she walked the hospital with her grandson.

Sam bonded with her in the same way that he’d bonded with his mothers. He never cried when he was in Pam’s arms.

She babysat several times the first few weeks while his exhausted mothers tried to get a balance back in their lives.

She offered to watch Sam and the twins one Sunday night so Alison and Emily could have some time to reconnect. They jumped at the chance.

Sam had woken up in the wee hours that Monday morning and Pam went to get him from his bassinet. The twins weren’t far behind. When their baby brother cried they always rushed to his side. But Pam was already there, rocking him in a rocking chair, soothing him and giving him a bottle.

“Is he okay?” Lily asked quietly as she crept into the room in concern.

“He’s fine. He was just hungry.”

“As long as he stays away from my Cheetos.” Grace walked in behind her sister.

“I don’t think Cheetos are good for babies.” Lily frowned.

They walked over to Pam and their baby brother.

“He’s so tiny.” Grace played with his foot. “And cute. Nothing like Lily was when she was a baby. I’ve seen pictures. She looked like a little gremlin.”

“We’re identical, gremlin.” Lily reminded her. “But you are very cute, Sammy.” She reached down and slid her index finger into his palm. He immediately latched on to her.

He glanced at them as he chewed on the nipple of the bottle.

“He’s a good little eater.” Lily smiled in pride. “Bottles and mom’s boob.”

“Gross. Can we not talk about mom’s boob this early in the morning? Or…ever.” Grace frowned.

“Breastfeeding is perfectly natural.”

“I get that. But I’d prefer not to think of mom’s boobs when I have a Chem test to get to. It’ll distract me.”

“Grace, you got distracted by a scuff in the floor last week.”  

“That’s because it was shaped like a dick…” She suddenly realized her grandmother was in the room and quickly added, “tator. A dictator’s…um…” She squirmed awkwardly. “Hitler’s mustache.” She blurted out. “It was ugly. He was a very bad man.”  

Lily smacked Grace on the back of her head. Grace let out a sheepish laugh.

“You girls need to go get ready for school.” Pam glanced at the clock.

“Yes. School.” Grace nodded.

Grace and Lily rushed out of the room.

“A dick? What were you thinking?” Lily growled in a hushed toned.

“It slipped out!” Grace answered back.

Pam couldn’t help but chuckle at her two crazy granddaughters. They were a mess. They always kept things interesting.

After they left for school the house was quiet. Pam sat with Sam for nearly an hour, rocking him, talking to him, singing to him.

She glanced at a picture of her husband all decked out in his dress blues. Keeping pictures of Wayne near Sam was Emily’s idea. She wanted him to know his grandfather’s face.

Pam sighed. She missed her husband more than anything. She hadn’t just lost a spouse. She’d lost a best friend. It had left a void in her life, a pain that was always there, like a window opening to let in a chill from which you couldn’t escape. But her grandson helped with the pain.

“Look what our daughter and her wife did.” Pam said quietly, smiling at the image of Wayne.

She looked down at the sleeping infant in her arms. He looked so peaceful. She felt a shift in the room. She closed her eyes and let out a sigh.

Sometimes if she closed her eyes she could picture him standing next to her, his hand on her shoulder, looking down at their grandbaby.

“Our girls…” Pam said, “They did good, Wayne.”

She knew he could hear her. She knew he was there. She could feel him. She was afraid to open her eyes, afraid to let go of the image she’d conjured up. But she did, because she knew that her grandbaby would be there when she did. So she opened her eyes and she looked down.

Sam’s eyes were open. He was looking up, but he wasn’t looking at her. He was looking beyond her, like he could see something that she couldn’t. He cooed and his mouth fell open in a gummy grin for a fraction of a second. If she didn’t know any better she would have thought he was laughing at one of Wayne’s corny jokes.

Pam would never forget the first joke Wayne had ever told Emily when she was little.

“How do you get an astronaut’s baby to sleep?” He’d lifted Emily up like a little astronaut in space and made her squeal and giggle, “You rocket it!”

It was little moments like that that kept her husband’s memory alive for her. She knew Sam would have loved him. She rubbed his cheek with her knuckle and his eyes started to droop closed again. Minutes later he was asleep.

“Samuel Wayne,” she whispered quietly as the baby slept soundly in her arms.

He would be everything his grandfather had taught their daughter to be. It had been years since he died, but his legacy lived on. He was a hero. He was a gentleman. He was a beautiful soul. He was everything Alison and Emily wanted their son to be.

Christmas disaster

Warning: abuse

Christmas Day was here and Joey drew had invited everyone from the studio to join them with there families. Sammy has been working hard cleaning around the house and cooking the food for the party tonight. He no longer worked there, instead was a house husband while Joey made the money. But Joey wasn’t doesn’t help much around the house. He believes Sammy should do it all. Sammy was exhausted from lack of sleep these pass few days. Cleaning, decorating, shopping, cooking. He was also hurt from a beating a day before. A bad one. Sammy had tried to ask him to help

out a little more. He was tired of Joey putting this all on him and just wanted a little bit of help. Joey ended up getting pissed and beat Sammy. He has broken many of Sammy’s ribs in the process and left bruises all over his body. It was his fault though. He should’ve knew better then to say anything that might set him off in a fit of rage. Sammy was stupid for trying. He should’ve just kept his mouth shut.

Speak of the devil, Joey came up behind Sammy, wrapping his arms gently around him so he wouldn’t hurt his broken ribs. “You almost done, tater tot?” He ask. “ it’s almost time for the guest to arrive.”

Sammy Tense up but nodded as he stirred the mashed potatoes in the bowl. “I-It’s nearly done Joey.”

Joey smiled and kisses the crest of Sammy’s neck. Sammy closes his eyes and wished he wouldn’t. He wasn’t in the mood for this, but he wouldn’t tell him no. “Good.” Joey smirked after he moved on. “Now go get ready. Cover up those Bruises. Wouldn’t want my friends to question things.” Joey told him as he ran his thumb access the bruise on Sammy’s cheek.

Sammy nodded obediently before heading to the bedroom to change. It was extremely painful to bare, pulling off his dirty shirt but he went slowly to ease the pain. He didn’t stop to observe any of the bruises on his stomach or sides. He didn’t want to see how badly they are. As he slipped into a long sleeve nice button up shirt he herd Joey greet some guess that just arrived. He knew now he had to hurry before Joey looked bad. He went as fast as his ribs let him changing into black suit pants and wrapping a belt around them so they would stay up. He had lost a lot of weight do to stress from Joey and not having time or will to eat. Sammy buckled the hook then headed to the bathroom. He looked at his face in the mirror at the bruise around his eye and the one on his cheek. The one his cheek was a sickly greenish-yellow color that covered his whole left cheek. The one around his eye was a deep purple one that almost connected with the one on his cheek. Sammy stared at them for a while before a knock on the door startled him back to his Reality.

“Sammy. Are you almost ready, dear?” Joey ask in a warning voice Sammy knew all to well, and scares him. “Guess are starting to show and we shouldn’t keep them waiting.”

“I’m c-coming Joey. I-I’ll be there in a minute.” Sammy replied. Great the night just started and he was already fucking up.

“Alright. Hurry up though, love” Joey told him with the same warning in his voice then walked away.

Sammy hands were started to sweat from the fear of what would happen to him after. He needed to be on his best behavior for the rest of the night so Joey wouldn’t hurt him again. He quickly pulled out the blush make up and started to smear it on his bruises and blending it with his skin until it was all covered up neatly. Sammy glances at himself in the mirror before approving the make up and leaving the bathroom, heading for the living room.

Lacie, Burtrum, Tom and Alison was the ones that arrived a few minutes before. Alison was putting some gifts under the Christmas tree while Tom and Burtrum was in a Conversation, Lacie watching then and listening. Sammy didn’t feel like getting into there Conversation though or any at the moment. He decided to head back into the kitchen where joey must be getting things ready. But he wasn’t.

Sammy stepped into the kitchen then comes to a halt by what he saw. Joey had his arms around Susie and was flirting with her. Sammy watched as Joey whispered something in her ear then nibbled it as she giggled. Sammy left the doorway quickly so neither of them would see him. He hid in the to keep people from seeing how hurt he was by this. This hurt him so much more then the beatings he had received by Joey. He felt betrayed by the the only person he thought loved him. His heart felt like it was being ripped into pieces.

He herd another knock coming from the door, meaning more people he had to lie to and more people he had to pretend everything was good in his life. He wished he could disappear from all this. He wished so badly Joey would just beat him to death.

As the night went on the rest of the employees arrived with there families. Sammy hasn’t had the time to talk much to anyone one. Not that he wanted to anyways. He was finishing up the last bits of the food and cleaning. At around 8pm everything was finished and Sammy started to set the table. Norman Polk decided to

Go in to help Sammy with the table while Joey is in the living room getting drunk and flirting with Susie.

Norman walked into the kitchen to

Sammy trying to balance the Turkey, the vegetables plate and the plates in his hands. “Here sam. Let me help you with that.” He kindly offered, reaching for the plates.

Sammy shakes his head. “N-no. I got it.” Sammy told him but he doesn’t. The Turkey slipped out of his hands, onto the floor making a big glass braking from the plate into the pile of Turkey.

Norman saw the mans tired eyes quickly go wide in fear in Seconds and before Norman could say anything he herd a drunken. “GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!” From the living room.

Joey stumbled into the kitchen with rage in his eyes and looked at this mess on the ground then turned to Sammy who was now cowering in the corner. “YOU!!” He pointed at Sammy. “YOU -hic- FUCKING RUIN -hic-CHRISTMAS!!” He approached Sammy, threatening ready to swing at the poor man.

“Hey stop it!!!” Norman Said, getting in between of Sammy and Joey.

Seeing Norman standing there made Joey snap back into Reality some. He realized what he was doing in front of the guest and insanely regretted drinking. He looked behind him at his friends who were all watching him with horror on there faces. A few had there phones out recording him. He turned back around to Norman still protecting Sammy

Norman had seen enough just now to suspect this wasn’t the first time this happened. “Is this how you treat him Joey?.. like shit?...”

Joey rolls his eyes. “What? How dare you ask my that!” Joey replied. “I would never hurt Sammy! I love him!” Joey glanced at Sammy making eye contact. “Right tater tot? You know I wouldn’t hurt you.”

Sammy glances away from Joey’s eyes, hugging himself. Joey was going to beat him tonight again for all this. Making this mess and the guess witnessing joeys anger. There was no doubt in Sammy’s mind which made him sob hard and shake me.

“Tom, henry. Get Joey out of here please.”

Norman asked them two. Tom and Henry had to almost drag the drunken Joey out of there, screaming his head off about how this was his house and how Sammy was his boyfriend.

Once Joey was gone, Norman knelt down by the shaking Sammy, calmly. “Hey Sammy he’s gone now. Can you answer a few questions for me? I need to know the truth Alright?” Norman asked. Sammy gave him a small nod in reply. “Alright.” Norman asked. “Was this the first time he got angry?”

Sammy shook his head no. “N-no..” he said in a fearful voice.

The sight of this once care free man now shaking and crying out of fear made Norman’s heart hurt for him. He didn’t want to ask Sammy this next question but he had to know. “Does he hurt you Sammy?”

Sammy took a while to answer this question but he eventually nodded then lowered his head in a pathetic kinda way.

Norman gets angrily at Joey and wanted to get his hands on him but he kept his face and voice cool and calm while talking to Sammy. “When’s the last time he hurt you, bud?”

“Y-yesterday...” Sammy replied after a minute then wipes his tears away, smearing the make up. Norman noticed the make up

right away but decided wait for a safer time. Someone had called the police and they were here now.

——-

It was nearly midnight before Norman pulled into his apartment parking spot. The night was crazy with the police arresting Joey after he tried to make a run for it and the investigations with the police. He killed the Engine then turned to Sammy. “I’ll grab your bags, alright bud?” Sammy didn’t looked at him but he nodded, knowing his ribs couldn’t handle picking his bags up. Together they got out of the car and went into Norman’s Apartment.

Restless

Pairing: Thomas x MC

Word Count: 2,450

Summary: On the night before Allison’s psych evaluation, sleep proves elusive. 

Note: If you’ve followed me for long, you may already know that I have zero patience for characters failing to communicate. While I completely respect Thomas’s position and his need for time, the way things ended at Drafthorse stressed me out. I needed something to tide me over until Friday, so this story is my attempt to fix things (just a bit). 

I hope you enjoy!

Of all the nights to have insomnia, this had to be the absolute worst. 

Allison scrunched the pillow beneath her head, rolling to her opposite side in a last-ditch effort to find a position that could coax her toward somnolence. She laid her head the center of the thick padding, brushing away the tangle of hair that tickled her cheek. Once settled, she willed herself to relax. 

It was only 3:00 am. Much too early for any sane person to be out of bed, but she was close to not being able to stand it anymore. 

If only she could afford a sleepless night. 

She’d learned how to operate on scant amounts of sleep back in college, and while pushing through her tiredness grew more difficult with every passing year, she could still call on her stores of natural energy when she needed to. When those started to run low, there was always caffeine. But caffeine couldn’t give her a well-rested complexion or the soundness of mind that came with a full night’s sleep. 

If she went into tomorrow’s psych evaluation running on autopilot and looking like death warmed over...

Well, the possibilities didn’t bear thinking about. 

“Just sleep!” She whispered the plea and screwed her eyes shut, fighting off the desperation that was threatening to lay hold of her sense. Even as her stomach churned, she forced deep breaths in through her nose and out her parted lips. 

But she knew the efforts were futile. Although she’d managed a little bit of sleep at first, it had been hours since she’d woken up. Hours of tossing and turning. Hours of being sick with worry about what tomorrow might bring. Hours of reliving her kisses with Thomas over and over and over. 

It felt insane to be thinking about him at such a time. From an objective view, whatever was going on between the two of them was the least her her concerns. 

And yet, the way he’d left weighed almost as heavily on her mind as her fears about the day ahead. 

She tried not to think about his fingers digging into the flesh of her thighs, his breath hot and shallow against her throat. Swallowing hard, she tried to forget the taste of his lips, the conviction in his voice when he told her how much he’d wanted her. She tried to ignore the molten desire he’d rekindled: desire that had been dormant for so long that she’d thought it was gone.  

Allison threw back the comforter she slept with to leave only the thin sheet behind. Body burning, she pushed in the switch on her bedside lamp. Sleep wasn’t going to come, and she didn’t like where her mind was headed in the darkness. 

Or maybe she liked it too much.

She propped her pillow against the headboard, sat up, and urged herself to be reasonable. 

But reasonable behavior would have been much easier to achieve if those moments with Thomas in the Drafthorse storeroom hadn’t taught her one very important thing: his patience had a limit. 

It was a weakness she knew she could exploit if she wanted to. And she had to admit, it was tempting. Having a man desire her in that way felt good. Coupled with the way she she felt toward him, it was better than good -- irresistible, almost. 

At the same time, it was absolutely terrifying. Allison didn’t know if she liked having so much influence -- having the power to make him act without rational thought, to do things he wasn’t really ready to do. Her mind insisted that rushing him would only make things worse, that she had to be incredibly careful until it was clear that he was well and truly ready to move on. 

And yet, those kisses had certainly felt like he was ready. 

Craving distraction, Allison reached for her phone and thumbed the password by rote. She scrolled through news headlines and social media feeds, searching for anything that could center the jumbled mess of thoughts within. When nothing sufficed, she opened her web browser and started typing. 

How to...

A list of options populated beneath the search bar. How to plan for a court-ordered psychological evaluation came up first. Shaking her head, she ran the search and began skimming over the same results she’d seen a dozen times before. 

Nothing new. Be honest. Be professional. Be prepared. 

An icy tendril of fear latched down the length of her spine. How prepared could she truly be on an hour of sleep? If she couldn’t even focus her thoughts in the privacy of her own home, was there any hope of producing coherent answers in front of a psychologist? 

The hours leading to the appointment were going to drive her mad. 

Before she even realized what she was doing, she’d typed out a message to Thomas. Doubt crept in as her finger hovered over the send button. 

If they talked, maybe she could get some of this off her chest. Maybe she’d be able to go into tomorrow’s appointment a little bit saner  -- a little bit more qualified to retain custody of her daughter. 

It seemed like the barest chance, but she was willing to take it. Besides, she knew his text notification was usually disabled. It wasn’t like she was in danger of waking him up. 

Could you call me sometime this morning? 

Allison stared at the screen dumbly, not quite believing that she’d sent the message so long before the sunrise. But by the time the screen faded to black, some part of her did feel better. Taking any action was better than tossing and turning. 

She was just coming back from the bathroom when she heard the vibration of her phone against the nightstand. In one fluid motion, she swept the phone to her ear and answered. “Hello?”

“I take it you can’t sleep either?”

Her surprise at the call changed to sympathy on hearing the crack in his voice. “Nope.”

“Sorry, stupid question,” he continued with a sigh. “What can I do?”

“Wait--” she interjected, feeling her forehead wrinkle with confusion. “Why are you awake right now? It isn’t even 4:00 yet.”

“I was trying to fall back asleep when I saw your text.”

“Then you should go back to sleep. It’s nothing urgent. Please?”

He chuckled quietly, though there was little humor in the sound. “If it’s keeping  you up, that’s urgent enough. What's on your mind?” 

She didn’t know where to start. 

Allison expelled a heavy breath and sat back on the mattress. How much should she tell him? Her better judgment told her that the wee hours of the morning were not the proper time to be having a heart-to-heart with the man she was half in love with, but impulse won out over sense. 

“It’s the middle of the night and I’m in an empty house because my terrible ex sabotaged me with my own daughter. I’ve got a psych evaluation first thing in the morning that’s going to decide whether I’m fit to continue raising said daughter, and...” she swallowed hard, trying to check her tone. 

Should she tell him that he’d been on her mind too? Biting the inside of her cheek, she resisted the urge. “And I feel like I’m thinking in circles. So, yeah. Sleeping’s been a little tricky,” she finished lamely. 

“We never did get a chance to talk about the evaluation this afternoon, did we? What time is your appointment?” he asked simply. 

“10:00.”

She could almost hear the wheels turning in his head.

“If you’d like, I could come by in the morning after I’ve dropped Luz at school. It would give us some time to talk things through and make sure you’re feeling confident.”

Allison’s throat grew thick at the generous offer. “That sounds amazing,” she whispered finally, hoping that he would interpret the weakness in her voice as yet another symptom of exhaustion.  

“Great. I’ll bring some coffee too.”

“Do you do this for all of your clients?” She inquired, the lighthearted tone masking the fact that she was on the verge of tears.

"You’re the exception to a lot of rules, Allison Day.”

A shiver coursed between her shoulders. With satisfied smile, she had to admit that she liked holding such distinction. As the immediate sense of pleasure wore off, she realized he’d continued speaking. 

“...shouldn’t worry about it in the meantime. That psychologist is going to see what everyone else already knows: you’re an incredible mom.”

“An incredible mom who had to call her lawyer in the middle of the night because she had insomnia...”

“That’s what I’m here for. Like I said, I’m your lawyer and your friend. And I fully meant that compliment. You’re the first person I turn to for parenting advice these days. That should tell you something.”

Mood lightening, she couldn’t help feeling a bit mischievous. “It tells me that you’re desperate.” She shifted her phone to the other ear, smiling as his laughter carried across the line.

“If you’re insulting me, you must be feeling better.”

“Much. Thanks for listening.”

“You’re welcome.” He paused for several long seconds Any longer, and Allison might have wondered if he’d fallen back to sleep. “Do you mind if I change the subject for a moment?”

“Not at all,” she responded, intrigued.

“I wanted to apologize again for what happened this afternoon. I can’t help thinking that I’ve contributed to your trouble sleeping.”

Her sigh was all the proof he needed.

“I’m sorry, truly. If I’d been thinking it never would have happened.” 

Back ramrod straight, Alison propped her head against the wall behind her headboard. They were treading into dangerous territory. If she wasn’t careful, she was going to dash headlong into something she couldn’t get out of. 

Then again, he’d been the one to bring it up... 

“Maybe I’m glad you weren’t thinking then,” she challenged finally. Half relieved, half mortified, she bit her tongue. There was no going back now. “Because even though you ran off afterward, that still might have been the best kiss of my life. I’ve been dying to kiss you for months.”

"Allison, I...”

She rose from the bed, shrugging into her robe before she made her way to the kitchen. “And I know you’re not ready to talk about it,” she went on, filling a glass of water at the tap. “That’s fine. But I’m working with an hour of sleep and a heck of a lot of stress right now, so I think I’m just going to come right out and say it. You don’t have to respond or decide anything now, but maybe it will help, somehow.”

His breath was slow on the other end of the line. “That’s more than fair. If it helps you to talk, I’ll listen.”

“No pressure, okay?” 

“Okay.”

“I’m not trying to rush you.” 

“Okay,” he agreed a second time. 

Taking a long sip of water, Allison lowered herself to the couch. This was a terrible idea. Unfortunately, any inhibitions she normally would have had were long gone. 

“I want to be with you, Thomas. In a real, committed relationship where we don’t have to question the consequences or worry about second thoughts. If there’s any possibility of that happening, I’ll wait as long as I need to...” she stopped at the sound of his sharp inhale. 

After a beat, he responded. “Thank you.”

Her heart sank at the continued silence. It wasn’t exactly the answer she’d been yearning for. Though she knew it was unlikely, some part of her had been holding out hope that his mind had changed since that afternoon. 

“You’re welcome. Uh, thanks again...for listening.” She drew the words out awkwardly, uncertain where to take the conversation from there. Now that the weight was off her chest, she had no sense of what needed to come next. 

Fortunately, Thomas filled the silence. “I’m happy to. And I...”

Her pulse skipped, growing giddy again with possibility. 

“I’m sorry for being so back and forth. But I have to be sure that when... if,” he amended after some hesitation, “I move on, it’s not just going to be some short-term relationship that will change after a few weeks or months. I couldn’t do that Luz. I’m not sure I could put myself through that either.”

"Believe me, Thomas. I understand. The last thing I want is to put Kira through any more change right now. But if you decide you’re ready for a relationship -- for something stable...” She trailed off, forcing herself to take another drink of water before her tongue could get her into further trouble. 

“You’ll be the first to know,” he promised. 

“Thanks.” With a smile, she set the empty glass of water aside. From the corner of her eye, she caught the time on the oven clock and winced. “Hey, I should let you get back to sleep.”

“Do you think you’ll be able to? You’d still be able to get a couple of hours if you went to bed now.”

“I think so,” Allison confirmed, already padding back in the direction of her bedroom. “Thanks again for listening.” 

“You’re welcome again. I’ll listen as much as you want in the morning -- the real morning,” he clarified dryly. “I’ll look forward to seeing you tomorrow, Allison. Sleep well.” 

“Goodnight,” she signed off with a yawn. After plugging her phone in to charge, she climbed back into bed. When she rolled to the other side of the mattress, there was a smile on her face. 

Talking with Thomas might not have solved anything, but it had still done her a world of good. As she nestled into the blankets, she almost hoped that this wasn’t the last late-night conversation in their future. No matter what was going on between them, he made a great sounding board. 

While warmth returned to her cold extremities, a baser part of her instinct took over. After all, she wanted him as more than just a confidant and ally.  Imagination running wild, Allison could almost feel him in the bed beside her. Within the dream, she melted into the heat of his body as he pulled her close, planting kisses along the curve of her throat. She turned to face him, lips greedy to taste his skin. 

The cold air on her face brought her back to reality. 

Groaning, she rolled over again and banished all thoughts from her mind. All thoughts, that is, save for one.

Thomas was definitely worth waiting for. 

aposiopesis (part one)

My Orphan Black fic on AO3

part two  part three  part four  part five  part six  part seven

Summary: 

Cosima and Sarah turn to each other for support after the night they both almost end their lives.

It's simple, at first. Their friendship and care.

But things are never as simple as they seem.

Cosima loves Delphine, but there's something about Sarah that makes her question everything.

...

Ironically enough, it all began with the news of life. Delphine’s life, that is. Cosima had believed that she was dead, long dead. There was a sliver of hope that the woman she loved was still alive because it wasn’t like she felt her death like she believed she would if the French blonde had really died. But still. The radio silence carried the dread that led to her almost putting the bot into her cheek like a lunatic.

But she didn’t.

Kendall was dead and the scientist wanted to beat those Neolution sons of bitches. And deep down, she knew she couldn’t do that all sick and tired and dead. And besides. Kendall’s death was her fault. At least, that’s what she thought. She knew that she needed to make up for what she did so that she could live with herself. And for Kendall and Siobhan and all the clones. She (stupidly) thought the bot would fix it. Give her more time. She almost put it into her cheek.

But she didn’t.

Cosima apologized profusely to Scott and Hell Wizard about her moment of brief insanity, but they refused to leave her alone for the rest of the night. She was grateful for her friends of course (especially Felix who had stopped you from doing something so… dangerously stupid) but she needed time to accept the news.

Delphine was alive.

At least, Krystal saw her leave alive.

Things only seemed to escalate when she received a skype call from Alison. She had expected Felix to tell the other clone about her break down, but when she answered the call, she was bombarded with a terrified Alison who had her house raided by the police and her husband arrested.

“Oh, dude, that’s awful,” Cosima told the rambling woman, trying to find words that weren’t completely awkward. “W-what are you going to do?”

She listened as Alison explained how Felix had already gotten his (biological) sister to agree to be Donnie’s lawyer and ranted about wanting to torture Duko for scaring her kids. She had to admit that she wanted to torture him too for what he did to Kendall. For what he’s done to all of them.

“Does Sarah know?”

She was surprised by Alison’s sudden silence and frown. Alison looked down (avoiding Cosima’s gaze) and mentioned with what seemed like a forced calm, “I think Felix told her, but heavens, I don’t want to stress her out with this. With everything going on.”

Cosima didn’t know what the hell the soccer mom was referring to. She was positive that more than anyone in the clone club, it was Sarah who would want to be involved and help. But there was something in Alison’s eyes that made her wonder if something else was going on. Something that she had no knowledge about.

“What do you mean? Did something happen to Sarah? Kira?”

Alison held her hand to her cheek and sighed. “Lord knows Felix didn’t want this to be on your mind either, Cosima. He told me what happened last night. Honestly. Finding out that--”

“What happened to Sarah, Alison ?”

Alison made a tutting sound and crossed her arms. “Felix practically begged me to not tell anyone. I’m not even planning on asking Sarah--”

“ Alison .”

The mother put her hands up in the air in surrender. “Holy cow. Okay, Cosima. But please don’t ask her about it. I’m not even sure Felix told me the whole--”

“Just tell me.”

“Last night, Sarah almost killed herself,” Alison said so quickly that Cosima barely had any time to process what she said before she continued, “and Felix says that she was going to do it like… like…”

Cosima bit her lip, trying to stop the tears from coming to her eyes. She filled in the blank in her mind, but she still needed Alison to say it out loud.

“Like what?”

Alison blinked and stared like it was the last thing she wanted to say out loud. “Like Beth.”

Cosima’s heart felt like it had stopped with all the air knocked out of your lungs. She wanted to ache for Alison (knowing how close she was to the late clone), but she couldn’t stop thinking about Sarah. The cold truth (not that she’d tell Alison or anyone else for that matter) was that Sarah was much more important to her than Beth ever was. The idea of losing her, losing the person who held them all together, made her whole body feel weak and like it was decaying (more than usual). Especially since she realized that Sarah's pain must have been her fault. That this wouldn’t have happened if Cosima hadn’t been so…

“We almost lost her?” She asked in a whisper, not really expecting an answer.

Alison narrowed her eyes. “What, Cosima? I can’t hear--”

Cosima ended the call. It was Cosima after all who wanted to make the deal with Evie Cho. It was Cosima who allowed herself to be played and caused Siobhan’s mother’s death. It was Cosima who lost the months of work and advancements they made, probably stopping any chance of a cure. None of it was Sarah’s fault, but then… she could imagine the guilt she must have been feeling. Sarah kept the world on her shoulders. She let on the pain of others. She felt more than anyone but forced herself to not always show it.  

She dialed Felix’s number not knowing what she would say to him when he would pick up. She couldn’t call Sarah, at least, not yet. Not until she got the full story from him first. She liked to think that it was the scientist in her who needed her facts straight before going to the original source. But truthfully, she was terrified of talking to Sarah knowing that she was the root of her pain.

“Oi, do you know what bloody time it is?” Felix croaked as if he had just woken up.

She didn’t answer his question. “Is Sarah around?”

“She was plastered last night, mate. She’ll be out for at least another few hours. Please tell me you aren’t planning on doing another senseless act. Let’s not put any more foreign objects in mouths except for--”

“What happened with Sarah last night? And why didn’t you immediately tell me?”  

Felix paused for a second but then sighed. “You would think by now I would know not to tell Alison anything--”

“ Felix .”

“You had a lot on your mind, if you remember, darling,” He snapped cooly with an edge that made Cosima almost cower in her chair. “You nearly put a bloody bot maggot in your face. And you were all weepy about Delphine. It wasn’t the night to worry you about Sarah. Besides, you almost died too.”

Cosima roared with a growl. “Who cares? I still have the right to know.”

“If Sarah wanted you to know, Sarah would tell you, but as I said, she’s knackered. I shouldn’t have told Alison. I just needed… to tell someone.”

His voice changed from angry to… something tired. Desperate, maybe. Cosima gulped. She hadn’t realized how terrifying it must have been for him too. She thought about seeing Kendall and knowing she was about to die and closed her eyes tight. She couldn't imagine seeing Sarah in her place.

Lowering her voice, she asked, “How close of a call was it?”

“Dunno, really. Found her standin’ on a bridge lookin’ down at the trains. I’d say pretty bloody close. She was… not talkin’ right either. I don’t think she’s told me everything anyway. Which means nothin’ because she’s Sarah.”

Sarah was the one who everyone leaned on for support and help and armor and yet… she never allowed anyone else to do the same for her. It wasn’t something that Cosima had realized right away. She thought that Felix was her confidant and that people like Paul or Cal had gotten through to her emotionally. Hell, Cosima even thought that she’d be a person that Sarah’d go to if she needed someone. But now…

“Cosima, I can practically hear you think. Please don’t tell me you’re going to do what I think you’re going to do. You are not comin’ to the safe house.

She huffed stubbornly. There was no way that she wasn’t going to see Sarah now. “Well, either I’m going there or you’re bringing Sarah here.”

“You cheeky bitch. She’s not well, Cosima. You askin’ her questions about her bloody feelings ain’t gonna make her better. Look, I told Alison because I knew she wouldn’t have the balls to ask Sarah about it. You on the other hand…”

“I’m not going to make her feel bad about it!”

“She doesn’t want to concern you!” Felix yelled uncharacteristically. “Sarah likes to appear like she’s tough as nails for a reason. If she found out that you know--”

“I won’t tell her that I know. Dammit, you can even tell her I need to see her for my own emotional wellbeing. I won’t bring it up. But I just… I need to see her.”

Felix was quiet again. “Why?”

That was a loaded question. Her immediate thought was because of the guilt. For Kendall. For Mrs. S. For not realizing Sarah was in a dark place. For being too caught up with the bot and Delphine that she didn’t notice Sarah’s pain.

But Cosima had to be honest with him. “Because I can’t stop imagining Sarah jumping off a bridge and getting hit by a train and maybe if I see her alive, I will stop imagining the way her body looks all broken and dead on the tracks.”

More silence.

And then she heard him sigh like he was giving in. “Bloody hell, darling. Fine. We’ll come see you, yeah?”

Before she could thank him, he hung up. She understood his trepidation and need to protect her, but she was Sarah’s… Cosima couldn’t find the right word for it. They were close, at least, that was what she had thought. But when she really thought about it, she realized there wasn’t much about Sarah’s life (other than the clone shit) that she knew about.

“Were you talking to someone?”

Cosima almost sighed in relief that Scott had interrupted her darkening thoughts. She was already spiraling about Delphine and Sarah’s behavior. She didn’t want to spiral about her relationship with her either.

“Don’t worry, Scotty. I’m not turning into a nut and putting a bot in my face. Again. I was on the phone with Felix.”

Scott nodded and looked relieved. “The news about Delphine must have really shaken you then.”

“I mean, obvs I feel like the luckiest woman in the world that she’s alive, but I have no damn clue where she is or how she’s doing or if she’s okay. If Neolution has her…”

“Don’t think so negatively. We are going to find her, Cosima. And then you’ll have your science partner back and--”

“Scott, I don’t want you to think that you’re replaceable or something. Or that you’re like any less valuable than Delphine. I mean, you’re here because of your kind heart and bravery. I sorta dragged you in, but you didn’t have to stay.”

He stared at her with this wide-eyed look as if he was genuinely baffled by her words. “Yes, I did. I might have put a few things on hold, Cosima, but this is what I chose for my life. I know what I’m doing is important. There’s purpose in my life. And I’ve never… I’ve never had people before all of you. You, Hell Wizard, and even Sarah. You’re my family.”

Cosima’s eyes flooded with tears. She was so obsessed with the cure and Delphine and battling Neolution that she put almost everyone else on hold. Scott had never left her side, but Cosima felt like she had abandoned him. Just as she abandoned Sarah.

“Dude… I don’t know how to thank you.”

Scott gave his classic dorky grin and shook his head. “You don’t need to thank me, Cosima. Thank me by finding a cure so that we can stay mad scientists forever, okay?”

Cosima nodded vigorously. Forever sounded like a good amount of time to her.

.....  

The door to the basement swung open and the sound of heavy footsteps caused both Cosima and Scott to jump. Surprised that it wasn’t Hell Wizard, Scott looked from Felix and Sarah to Cosima wondering if this was indeed a planned meeting or something spontaneous.

Felix looked annoyed as he and his sister made their way toward the scientists. His arms were crossed and his eyes were cautious. It was obvious to Cosima (and Scott) that he was not happy to be there. He even stood in front of Sarah slightly, like he was protecting her. It made Cosima frown. She hated that he seemed to be protecting Sarah from her.

Cosima could barely see Sarah behind him. But she could tell that the woman was looking… incredibly Sarah-like. With her baggy tank top and ripped black jeans, messy eyeliner, and partially braided hair. Her hands were stuffed in her pockets of a leather jacket that Cosima hadn’t recognized but soon fell in love with. She couldn’t meet Sarah’s eyes, though. She didn’t know how to without revealing to the woman that she knew.

“I hope we’re interrupting something outlandishly nerdy,” Felix greeted and put his hands on his hips as if he was waiting for something to happen.

Cosima ignored him and turned to her lab partner, trying to tell him through her eye movements that he needed to go along with whatever she said. “Yo, Scotty, can you take Felix upstairs and show him the new bottle of vodka?”

Scott tried to hide his apprehension by nodding vigorously. “Yeah. Er… sure. Felix, do you mind if we… head…”

Felix waved his hands up in the air and shouted, “you are all hopeless,” and then started to walk up the stairs while his feet pounded the pavement with more drama than he usually mustered.

Cosima motioned her head toward Felix at Scott, telling him to follow the man. Scott gave her another terrified look, but she ignored it. Her attention was now solely on Sarah and the realization that even though Cosima was the sick one, Sarah looked much paler and skinnier.

Suddenly, Cosima didn’t have any idea how to greet the woman that she had felt so close to for the past few years. There was so much that she wanted to say, but she couldn’t find any of the right words in her mind.

Luckily, Sarah wasn’t struggling with talking like she was. “Felix said ya almost put my bloody bot in your face.”

She blinked at the woman with the British accent that always caught her a little off guard. “Yep. Not totally the smartest idea I have ever had.”

“You can’t always be a brainiac,” Sarah replied seriously.

Cosima snorted. “Tell that to well… everyone.”

Sarah frowned (somehow more than she was already frowning). “Fee said you’re strugglin’. With the Kendall shite and all. An’ losin’ all your work.”

“Ergo the bot in my face. Yeah, I had a rough day. Everything sorta hit me at once, you know? And I shut everyone out. But I’m just lucky your brother didn’t let me. He’s the reason why I’m not dead right now.”

Sarah blinked and sat down next to Cosima on her bed. She slouched over and stared at her feet, not allowing the other clone to see her face.

“Yeah, not all of us have a ‘Delphine’ that would flip the switch for us and make us want to live. But hey, good for you, yeah?”

Cosima hadn’t felt this breathless since the time she had almost died in Felix’s bed. She opened her mouth, wanting to apologize for some reason, but then knew that she couldn’t do that. She wasn’t sorry for finding out about Delphine. She wasn’t sorry for not putting the bot in her face. And she definitely wasn’t sorry that she was still here. Though, she did feel sorry for Sarah, but she knew her well enough to know that she wouldn’t want her pity.

“I know Fee told you,” Sarah commented, a little less harshly, but with the same amount of coldness. “I could tell the second I walked into this fucking dungeon. So, what, Cosima? You want me to talk about it or somethin’? Share my bloody feelings with you?”  

“I want--” Cosima paused. She didn’t know what to say. “I want…”

“ What, Cosima? Spit it out.”

Tears fell down the scientist’s cheeks without fail (she didn’t even care if Sarah saw them). And with the tears, she finally found the words. “I just wanted to know that you were alive. I just wanted to see you. Touch you, maybe. Know that your heart was still beating, Sarah.”

Sarah finally looked up at her, startling Cosima with her red and watery eyes. “That’s fuckin' rich comin' from you. What would I have done if you offed yourself, eh? Who says you have the right to end your life and I don't?”

Cosima fidgeted with her hands and sighed. “Sarah, it’s dif--”

“Oh, so now your suicide attempt is different than mine? Better than mine?”

“I didn’t want to die! I wanted to live!” She shouted at her, standing up too quickly, causing her to topple over, forcing Sarah to catch her ungracefully as they both fell to the floor. She started coughing and couldn’t stop. She hadn’t had a fit like this since…

Sarah grasped both of Cosima’s shoulders and asked her what to do, how to help, how to stop the coughing. Cosima wanted the look of worry on Sarah’s face to vanish. She hated scaring people with her sickness and this was the absolute worst timing.

Finally, the coughing ceased and Cosima drank the water that Sarah had forced into her hands. The scientist began to apologize and didn’t know how to stop.

“Don’t say you’re sorry, it’s all my fault.”

Cosima tilted her head with confusion. “How the hell do you think that you made me cough? It’s the sickness, Sar. Not your charming personality.”

Sarah rested her head on Cosima’s shoulder, no longer upset with her clone. She was worried about her for sure, but the anger was all gone.

“I hate that you were the one who was with Kendall when she was killed. I hate that you had to go through that. I hate that we got played. I hate that Kendall’s gone and the research is gone and that you’re still bloody sick.”

Cosima reached for Sarah’s hand and squeezed it. “Sarah--”

Her voice trembling, Sarah interrupted, “I fucked things up, Cos. For all of us. I let everyone down. I let… I let Beth down. And it fucked me up. I don’t want to die, Cos. I just want it all to be over. And I want everyone to be okay.”

“Woah, dude. First, you didn’t fuck things up, Sarah, okay? Second, the whole Kendall stuff was my fault. I was desperate and not thinking things through. Especially with the damn bot. I don’t… I don’t want to die, Sar. I want to live this crazy life and do something good. And this sickness, it makes me feel so helpless.”

Sarah shook her head and then held it against Cosima’s own forehead. “You aren’t helpless, Cos. We wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you. We wouldn’t have gotten this far. And we won’t find the cure or end this Neo shit without you. I need you here with me. I can’t do this without you.”

It was the same thing she had said to the scientist months ago when Cosima was dying in Felix’s bed. It wasn’t something they talked about often. Sarah’s rare moment of vulnerability and Cosima’s death bed wasn’t something that they would like to revisit. Even if it was a solemn moment of bliss where two women who understood each other, held hands in silence and compassion and love. Though, that could have been a part of the reason, too.

“You won’t have to. If MK can find Susan, we might be able to find a cure together. Not that I really want to work with that bitch.”

Sarah snorted and moved away from her clone. “Do you think Susan knows where Delphine is?”

Cosima’s eyes darkened. “Krystal said that she was alive when she was taken but… who’s to say she didn’t die minutes later? Hours later? Days later? I could be searching for a ghost.”

“Or you could be searching for the French love of your life who can help get a cure, yeah?”

The scientist tilted her head. “Now who’s little miss optimist?”

“Oi, don’t be spreadin’ that to everyone, yeah? Especially Alison. I don’t think I have enough optimism for her and Donnie. Bloody hell. I’ve always hated cops, but Neo cops are just another layer of shite I never thought we’d have to face. But it’d make sense. Cops do normally include the worst of people.”

Cosima gave Sarah an all-knowing look that made the mother roll her eyes and groan.

“Yeah, yeah, know-it-all. Besides Art and Beth. You have a good point.”

....

“You’re bloody joking,” Sarah blurted in the middle of Cosima’s story while they shared a joint (or two). “Alison’s mum did not say that.”

“She did,” Cosima said and nodded as she flopped onto the bed that she had been sleeping on most nights in the basement (if she were to sleep at all). “Called me ‘mulatto’, the horrid bitch. God, I can’t imagine growing up with that woman.”

Sarah hummed in agreement. “And I thought S was bad growin' up. Can’t imagine livin' with some racist arseholes. Probably homophobic arseholes too.”

Cosima never thought too much about how the other clones grew up. She thought about it in an analytical way (obviously, she noticed that nurture impacted everyone’s personalities more than nature) but she never really thought about how different she would be if she had grown up in Sarah’s or Alison’s shoes.

She gathered that maybe it was selfishness. Or that she was so entwined with living in her own head and learning about her own biology that she didn’t give other people much of a thought. But here, staring at Sarah and her lion’s mane of messy hair, thick eyeliner, and clothes that hung off her body, she realized that Sarah’s life didn’t start when she met Cosima (or Alison or Beth for that matter). It started when she was born. A separated twin forced into the foster system. She had been living a very different life than Cosima, but it was just as real and emotional.

Sonder.

“My parents were—are—great. College professors who always allowed me to be curious. I was never just some little kid to them. I was an equal. When they talked about physics, they let me talk too. Even if I had no idea what I was talking about.”

A smile grew from Sarah’s lips. “Are you sayin' that if I had your parents I would be a genius too?”

Cosima chuckled and shrugged. “I don’t know. If I was raised by S, would I like boys and alcohol?”

“Ah, touché, geek monkey. Yeah, it’s loads to think about. I mean, we are all who we are ‘cause of how we were raised but… there are similarities.”

Cosima was dazzled by the curiosity she was feeling for whatever Sarah was thinking, even if they were both high as a kite. Sarah’s thoughts were more intoxicating than any drug.

“Like what?” Cosima asked her as she took a big puff and coughed as she did a sultry little dance. “You mean our hot bodies?”

Sarah laughed again which made Cosima grin. She didn’t know if she heard her fellow clone laugh this many times before.

“Not just that. I’m talkin’ about our recklessness. Stubbornness. Our fucked up relationships.”

Sarah had a good point. “Now who’s the smart one?”

“You, ya twat,” Sarah muttered and wrapped her arms around the scientist and laid her head on her chest. “Always you.”

Cosima looked down into Sarah’s eyes and just stared. Neither of them could look away. Most of it was pure fascination. They were two completely different people and yet… they had the same (but different) features. The same (but different) face. It was jarring and complex and intriguing.

They heard the door open and both of their eyes flickered toward Felix and Scott who were walking down the stairs with glitter in their hair that wasn’t there before they left.

Sarah quickly moved away from Cosima and tried to joke, “Though I could’ve been the genius. We’ll never know.”

Cosima couldn’t laugh. She just stared as Sarah moved toward Felix and suddenly seemed so far away again. So untouchable. So hardened and alone.

“Keep me updated with the science cure shit, yeah? We will come back soon.”

Cosima wanted to ask if Sarah promised that, but the words wouldn’t escape her mouth. Instead, she just nodded and waved, feeling like the light was escaping the room and what was left when Sarah was gone was the darkness.

“Don’t you dream impossible things?”

On Friday August 2, 2019 one of my biggest dreams came true. I met my favourite musician, role model and best friend: TAYLOR ALISON SWIFT. Here’s my story:

So it was on a Tuesday evening when I received the message of messages on twitter. The Direct Message from Taylor Nation. I was just casually looking at my phone since it had been around 6 PM. I also got a message from Tayswiftdotcom about the ME! Vinyl, which I won… But of course I read the message from TN first and I was SHOOK. I don’t know my exact reaction, but I must have been in shock. I was even wondering if this really would be for secret sessions??? I first told my best friend – the one I trust with my heart – as fast as I can. It went like ‘OMG E’ ‘OMG KSJOD OMG’ and she knew what it was. She actually didn’t know more info. SHE JUST KNEW.

I told about the message to my parents, sister and another best friend too. My sister knew a bit about secret sessions and stuff already, but my parents didn’t. My mom was even a bit scared that I would get kidnapped or something jsfkdjsfldjs but I comforted her. This was all real and TN is real. Verified. Legit. It was real 100% SURE. The message was real. As soon as I read the message, I answered with my information and then the waiting began. And the wait seemed to be SO long!!! Although it wasn’t THAT long, but feeling wise… I kept checking my DM’s. Did they read my reply already? Fortunately I had things to do in the meantime. This helped me to distract myself from social media.

     I got the call on Thursday, July 18, around 10 PM. It was after my mom’s birthday. I received a call waiting as I was calling with my sister already. It took me a few seconds to realize though. So I said “wait, I got a call” and checked the screen… and then I saw a US phone number. I immediately got back to my sister: “THEY’RE CALLING!!! I NEED TO HANG UP NOW.” So I hung up, but TN also did. So… I immediately called them back, while I ran upstairs with a notebook and pen. I didn’t even think about how much this call was going to cost me… I just didn’t realize, HAHAHA. I sat down behind my desk without even turning on the lights and waited. Then I heard “do I speak with Mrs. Jennifer?” and my nerves went SKY HIGH. It was Michael from Taylor Nation. The conversation remained 16 minutes and 23 seconds. I know, quite long, but that’s because of my lack of English… haha. During the call they invited me officially to go to the UK for… an event.

After the call it was time to rearrange things. Luckily enough I still had two weeks left. My sister helped me much with searching for flights and an accommodation. I’ve not much personal travel experience… I just really needed a little help. I wasn’t going to travel on my own, but with my mom who still had days off. We booked our accommodation in a lovely place near London. Of course I would have LOVED to sleep in the big city, but well… I’m definitely going back once. It was a nice and calm introduction to the UK for me.

     On July 25 I had a lunch with my best friend E. We also had a little shopping spree. Of course I wanted to have a new outfit for this special day. AND I WASN’T THE PERSON WHO FOUND THE DRESS. No, my best friend spotted the dress and I immediately was like ‘YES!!! That’s it!’ It looked so romantic, lovely and it was screaming Lover at me.

     In the two weeks before my flight I’ve been so excited. It’s been such a weird time, like… When I scrolled through my timeline and saw tweets about secret sessions (stuff like ‘which pose would you choose?’), I was giggling and thinking ‘wait, so I’m going to be THERE??? LIKE REALLY THERE – IN HER HOUSE?????’ It felt so insane and surreal. I couldn’t believe it.

We arrived in the UK on Thursday August 1 and took it slowly. We didn’t have much time and both my mom and me needed some time to acclimatize. We decided to stay just in the countryside of London, which was really okay to me. Actually I loved it very much. I love nature and more local places and especially the place where we stayed. On the other hand, our place still had this big shopping mall with shops like New Look, H&M and Top Shop. It was a small town, but not that boring haha.

     Around 4 PM we were arriving at our accommodation, where we met the guest lady (Arie). She was so kind and friendly!!! And the house looked beautiful and lovely just like the town. My mom and me had room 5 which was one of the attic rooms. Normally we would have shared a bathroom with room 6, but that day we had a private one since room 6 hadn’t been booked yet.

     So, when the guest lady was introducing herself, she also complimented my t-shirt. I wore my Meredith shirt from Taylor’s collection, so that was really nice! She even told me she was going to search for the shirt online! She needed it hahaha!!! That conversation made me like this lady even more.

But well… the day went by and suddenly it was Friday. August 2. THE DAY OF THE EVENT. And NOW I really felt the nerves and excitement. Yes, this morning I finally felt the nerves. Although it came even more later on the day, but I’ll talk about that soon. First things first, people. I’m the princess of details. (Taylor is the queen!)

     We didn’t plan anything specific this day except for the event. I think I woke up around 7 AM first, but then I was going back to sleep. And then I woke up again around… ehm, 8:45 AM perhaps? I don’t know, but I woke up before my alarm set. (I set my alarm for 10 AM.) I ate my oats breakfast while staying in bed. Like, it was still a holiday, so let’s serve myself some breakfast in bed. My mom was also awake and had the same breakfast. After breakfast I watched one episode of Gilmore Girls and then afterwards it was time to get ready, I guess.

     I was wearing the new bought dress and a flower headband, which seemed a really good idea. But I’ll come back at you about that later. We booked my taxi for 1:30 PM. I asked mom if she would walk with me to the gate. In this way she could see by herself who was going to bring me to the meeting point. It would made me feel a bit more safely. Also, it was a bit unclear whether the return taxi was included in the same booking as the afternoon one or not. This all ended well though. :) I arrived on the exact time as Google Maps told me I was going to be. This meant I was waaaaay too early, but well… Better early than too late, right? That’s why I brought a book with me (can you see me? – by Libby Scott & Rebecca Westcott). During the taxi ride the driver asked me where I was going. “Do you have to work?” he asked and so, I was like “no… I got invited for some event…” that’s it. Of course. I didn’t dare to tell ANYONE about this except the five people, who I trust with my whole heart. That was quite hard for me btw, since I’ve always been so honest to everyone. So, when I was arriving at the meeting point, I went into the lobby to sit down somewhere. I thought: no way that there’ll be someone already this early. But then there was this girl… she was on the phone, though, but I thought immediately: could she be invited too??? We were looking at each other a few times and then she hang up. She decided to sit near me and then… she (@yntcdtyler) asked. “Are you her for…?” And we were both like ‘YES!! FINALLY I CAN TALK WITH SOMEONE ABOUT IT.’ Apparently, I didn’t need to bring a book with me.

Later on more Swifties were arriving and for some reason we recognized each other immediately. Even though we didn’t really know each other. Or well… Sometimes WE DID KNOW each other. Like, that one time I met one of my fellow DUTCH SWIFTIES (@danique99xkiss) for the FIRST TIME AT THE MEETING POINT FOR A SECRET SESSION. Like… HOW??? APPARENTLY TAYLOR DECIDED TO INVITE US BOTH!! FOR! A! SECRET! SESSION! And we weren’t the only two Dutch Swifties. There were like six or seven people, who had Dutch as a native language. And there were so many different internationalities!!! People from Belgium, Spain, Croatia, Germany, Canada, even Singapore!!! But I was so glad with my fellow Dutchies. It made me feel a bit more comfortable. It was nice to meet everyone out there right before the evening of our lives was going to start.

     Around 4 PM someone from TN walked over to us. She greeted us and took us with her, while everyone was thinking ‘IT’S STARTING!!!’ But unfortunately when we were inside, we still had to wait for like an hour. Hahaha, but well, we were together and again: it was so nice seeing everyone there! I just knew everyone was going to be sweet. We all had one big common interest. We were all here for the same reason. I sat next to my fellow Dutchies Danique, Britt (@alltoowonderland13) and Mila (@taylaaahhh-13) and also behind Laurens (@gotthatwhitetshirt) and a few other people. While everyone was mingling, walking around and talking with each other, I just sat there… Although I tried to talk too, but socializing isn’t my best treat. @ London Sessioners: Sorry if I was a bit quiet… I’ve always been the shy, introvert person… Please don’t think that I didn’t like you all, CAUSE I DID!!!

We had to leave all of our stuff in this room and couldn’t take a bag with us. And then, around 5 PM, we were about to leave… NOW IT WAS STARTING. FOR REAL. So everyone walked over to the door, where we were waiting to get on the buses. I stood next to Mila and realized that I hadn’t drunk water, yet. But in that moment I started to feel a bit dizzy or something… Maybe because of the nerves? So I decided to take a glass of water anyway. I didn’t want to faint omg. Mila and I got on the first bus and… I just kept thinking: THIS IS REAL!!!!

When our bus was arriving at THE HOUSE, someone from TN told us that that we had to pretend we’re excited, hahaha. They were going to film us, when we ran of the bus. Well, of course we didn’t need to PRETEND everything. Our feelings were ALL REAL. Duh. Oh btw, my first reaction to her house was like ‘omg this is really the house of a queen! It looks so royal!’ Like, it was so big!!!! I actually don’t know what I was thinking, when I walked through her front door… I guess I was just very impressed. And in shock. Oh and when we were all standing in the bus ready for our run, I said to no one in particular ‘I hope I won’t fall during my run’. I really felt my legs shaking jkdsfjksjf but fortunately it went well. I think I looked SUPER happy and enthusiastic.

    Taylor’s house smelled so good. So, I don’t know exactly what I was thinking on my way through the hallway, but I know that for a moment I really thought (OKAY THIS IS GONNA SOUND REALLY WEIRD)… I really thought for a second that one of the security said ‘goedemorgen’ to me. I mean ‘good morning’, but in Dutch. I DON’T KNOW WHY I THOUGHT SO OMG, I’M JUST CRAZY HAHAHAHA. I think I was dreaming. But I really heard him saying ‘good morning’ in my own language, BUT THAT’S SO IMPOSSIBLE HAHAHAHA! @taylornation please confirm so I could decide if I’m really crazy or not

    Anyway. I tried to take everything in so carefully. I just wanted to remember this experience very well, so I was paying attention to the most small details. She had so many perfumed candles around her house!!! And there was a cupboard in the dining room with many boardgames. The dining room was a very light and bright room because of all the windows and glass doors, which were all open widely. We were allowed to walk onto the porch too, where we could find cold drinks. Inside there was a table with pizza and burgers and also one with vegetables, fruit and Lover M&Ms (those were SO cute!!!) I remember how at first everyone was just walking around and looking at everything. No one dared to touch something lol, but soon enough people took food and drinks. And later people were sitting on the chairs. It was very surreal and bizarre to be walking around her house as casual like that. In the garden there was a trampoline too and two soccer goals. We thought those soccer goals were Joe’s idea, but that’s actually bsh*t. I mean, we all know Taylor can play soccer. Riiight.

Inside the house I was still a bit quiet and shy, but I really had the time of my life. I promise. I was just enjoying the smell of her house and the people surrounding me in silent. Besides, actually I just really couldn’t wait to hear her album!! But it was really amazing to spend time with the group of sessioners in London. At some point You Need To Calm Down was playing and everyone in the dining room started to sing SO loud. Like, really, REALLY loud!!! I was in shock!! And of course I just sang out loud with them! Some lyrics we even sang out LOUDER, like for example the sentence ‘AND SHADE NEVER MADE ANYBODY LESS GAY!!!!!’ That was SO awesome. I was standing next to the girl in the red dress (@taylorisglowinginthedark) and we immediately looked at each other after that sentence with this big smile <3 I really think Taylor heard us. She MUST HAVE. @taylorswift YOU MUST HAVE. 

    Not much later after this moment the listening session was going to start, but just before we go to that I still want you to tell about something. At another point there was a butterfly flying through the dining room and THAT WAS SUCH A MAGICAL MOMENT. For me it felt like Taylor was inside the room, but like, undercover. Hahaha. I know, surreal, but this whole day was surreal. So. But it was really one of my favourite moments. I mean, everyone was looking at the butterfly. It connected us just like Taylor and her music connects us <3 

So, time to go into her living room. WHAT. YES. I SAT IN HER FREAKING LIVING ROOM!!!!! I SPEND A WHOLE EVENING WITH TAYLOR AND 70+ SWIFTIES. I sat somewhere in the back, because the room was full already when I walked in. But I found the perfect place. Inside a fire place btw hahahahaha, which wasn’t on fire of course hahahahfdhsfosjfosjf why did I say that? Of course it wasn’t on fire, sigh. My mind. Anyway, I sat half in the fire place and next to the air-conditioning AND a tissue box. So, perfect place. I shared the tissue box with Zita and Danique immediately, because I just KNEW we were going to need that. The parents from some Swifties were also sitting in the back on couches, and Tree of course, while we sat on those light pink blankets laying across the floor. Taylor put multiple cushions as well on the floor, so it looked all cosy. I loved the atmosphere. Up in the front there was a big chair with a side table, where obviously Taylor was going to sit with her iPod. THE IPOD. WITH THE MOST PRECIOUS THING. LOVER. We’d been surrounded by candles again and much wood. It was just a really cosy and warm place. Just as warm as her heart.

    And then. . . . . . .Taylor walked in. AND WE SCREAMED. AND CRIED. AND SCREAMED. AND YELLED. She walked in from a door somewhere in the front, which lead to the kitchen, I guess. But I’m not sure. She was wearing a very soft and sweet outfit: pastel green shirt with stripes, white shorts and sneakers with stars pattern. I remember how I was just staring at her. I guess all I thought was ‘THIS IS REAL. SHE IS REAL.’ Her voice was so friendly and soft as well. It was truly amazing to hear all the backstories straight from her mouth. I could have listened to her FOR HOURS. I really wouldn’t mind. I was smiling really big the WHOLE time. I’m truly honest when I’m saying that I liked each song on the album. Also, Lover gave me many 1989 vibes, but more grown up.

During the listening session Taylor held a short break, so we could stretch legs and taste her SELFMADE PASTEL COLOURED RICE CRISPIES. AND THEY WERE DELICIOUS!!! Very sticky, but still very delicious. It was the perfect snack after hearing the most emotional song EVER.

    Taylor took us outside while holding the plate with snacks. Although I was just realizing this in the dining room. Then I realized it was TAYLOR HERSELF who was walking in the front hahahaha. I really was on cloud nine. There were some Swifties who were allowed to jump on the trampoline. I didn’t hear this by myself at the moment, but apparently at that moment Taylor was saying ‘THOSE ARE MY KIDS’. After this she walked over to the parents – with a glass of white wine – to introduce herself, which is SO Taylor. And of course the parents took their children with them. It was all so amazing. The fact that she was just standing in the middle and talked to us in this casual way. Surreal. Taylor asked if people didn’t need to go to the toilet, but yeah, of course not. We all wanted to stay there with her. Duh. Hahaha!

After a while we were walking back inside for the second half of the listening part. First I was thinking of going to the toilet, but then I saw everyone going inside the living room and I thought ‘oh whatever’. Hahaha, I still had a place somewhere in the back though. But again not a bad place. Maybe it was even a better place. I had a bit more space now. I was still sitting next to Zita and Danique, and also to a girl with very cute cat shoes and @taylorisglowinginthedark. She had been sitting IN FRONT OF TAYLOR during the first half, which must have been a whole experience by itself!!! That’s also a reason why she wanted to sit more in the back now. I could understand. She wanted to give other persons the chance to have this kind of view also.

    I tried to listen very carefully during the session. I couldn’t take my eyes off Taylor, but just because I didn’t want to miss a single thing!! I loved it so much how she was singing along with each song and doing those little dances. SHE’S SO CUTE, FUNNY AND SUCH A DORK!!! <3 When I was listening to the songs, I tried to let my body and feelings speak. I wanted it to experience as calm as possible, so I would let the songs sink in deeply. I thought that would possibly help me to NOT forget anything about this evening. If I’ll be listening to her album again on August 23 (or later), I hope I can remember everything again so clearly like I’m back again in her living room. This was such a special night. Once in a lifetime experience.

    So, I said it already that I liked each song and that’s really TRUE. I’m not lying to you and also, this is just MY opinion. Personally I didn’t think during any song ‘meh…’ I also have some favourites… Track 7, 8 and 10… Not saying anything more. Just that.

After the listening session we were allowed to look into the DELUXE JOURNALS, which was such an honour. Unfortunately I didn’t hold one in my own hands, but well, I saw them and they looked really beautiful. And I was going to buy them (all) anyway. Hahahaha. Ever since we’ve heard about the content, I decided that I just want them ALL. GOTTA CATCH ‘EM ALL. My feeling between the listening session and the individual meet & greet was… weird. The evening was almost over, but the best part had to come now. And I just felt… I don’t know. But I know that I was walking from inside to the porch and back a few times. Mostly I stood with fellow Dutchies Mila and Danique, but sometimes it became a bit hot inside and so, I walked over to the porch. OH by the way, right after the listening part we got selfmade baking stuff again!! This time Taylor made VERY CUTE HEART-SHAPED PINK LOVER COOKIES. And since I’ve been a cookie monster, I ate them immediately of course. Although they were actually too beautiful to eat, but yeah… Wouldn’t it be rude if we did NOT eat them directly?

    During the wait before the meet & greet I just couldn’t catch up with my mind anymore. I had so much stuff to process. It was TOO MUCH for my brain. But well, I survived anyway. But yeah, this evening was very surreal and a whole new fan experience.

    Luckily I didn’t black out during my meet & greet with (THE ONE AND ONLY) Taylor Alison Swift. Since it all took a little longer than expected, some Swifties were given priority. For example, when people had to catch the train or booked a taxi. Something which I did indeed. Around 9:30 PM I told TN about this, but they were letting me wait anyway. Maybe it wasn’t necessary to give me priority, but apparently later on it was.

And then. . . . . . . I was in line for THE MEET & GREET. When I was standing there, I looked over my shoulder for a moment to check at my Dutch friends and was like ‘eeeek I’M ALMOST THERE’. I was standing behind the sweet girl from Singapore and we were both so nervous. Also, my eye decided to irritate JUST at that exact moment. Like, WHY???? Fortunately, I had everything under control before my moment with Tay. And I was so happy with the huge mirror in the hallway.

    I don’t know the exact time of when I was walking into the living room. I didn’t wear a watch jksjdlfdsj, but I know what was happening at first. When I just entered the room, Taylor said to me, very enthusiastic, “THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING OVER!” followed by the BEST. HUG. EVER. It was a really big, warm and REAL hug. She didn’t let go until I was deciding to (unfortunately). After her “THANK YOU” I was like “YOU’RE WELCOME” and told her how I would have come anyway. How I’ve done anything to come, because I just had to be there. Something like that.

    Then I told her that I came with my mom. So she responded “Oh, she’s here?!”, but I was like “no, she’s still in the bed & breakfast”. Then Taylor said “oh, could you thank your mom for me for taking you here, please?” which was SO SWEET OF HER. How she thought about my mom <3 During our conversation she had this very sweet and friendly face the whole time. SHE’S JUST SWEET, PERIOD.

    At some point Taylor also called me Jenni, probably because of my necklace. So I was like “it’s Jennifer actually, but…” and then she was a bit confused. She responded: “Oh, I always thought it was Jenni! But I’ll call you Jennifer then.” And just how she said my name and nickname… such a moment. It felt so personal. Hearing your full name said by one of the biggest musicians. I just--

     When I told her that I liked each song on the album, she was like “REALLY??” when she held up her hand for a HIGH FIVE. LOVE HER. Oh, and also, HOW COULD I FORGET THIS???? Taylor also said “I like the flowers in your hair!!!” which was such a sweet comment!!!!! I’m so happy that I wore the headband. I just thought ‘this is very Lover era, so I should wear it’, but didn’t think of THIS.

    Then it was time for our picture.Taylor asked me if I was thinking about a pose already. I answered “maybe we can hug and ehm… hold hands??” So she asked me “oh, and do you want it like this…” – she took my hand and hold it in a ~normal~ way and then she intertwined our fingers – “or this?” And immediately I was like ‘YES!!!’ Then she hold me even closer to her and SNAP! PICTURE TAKEN! Afterwards I thought ‘I hope this picture turned out well??? Did I smile?? How did I look?’, but I didn’t ask about the picture anyway. Right before I walked out, Taylor was saying to me “SEE YOU ONLINE!” and so I responded “see you at a concert!!” and that’s that. Wow.

Outside the room the sweet, blonde girl with the camera – from TN – was waiting for me. She asked how it was and I was like “good”??? I didn’t really know what to answer, I was just in awe. I also got a customized bag with merchandise. And then I was walking into the bus, where everyone asked how it was and again I was like “GOOD”. Nothing more. I was really on cloud nine now and so much in shock.

    When we were all waiting inside the bus to go back to the hotel, I felt really dreamy and sleepy. I also really felt the urge to call MY SISTER!! Or just someone, but I wanted to call my sister first <3 But yeah, we didn’t have our phones yet. So I talked a bit with my neighbour, which was the sweet girl from Singapore! Although she was talking more than me, but well :) I loved her energy. Then after some time the bus was going to leave. It was … ehm, around 11 PM? When the bus was driving away slowly, it came past the meeting room. And. . . YES, the curtains were open. So we had a little sneak peek inside and saw TAYLOR!!! Which made us scream of course haha. Unfortunately someone from TN decided to close the curtains then, which she did slowly though… And she was waving, haha. She looked sweet and friendly. A sweet goodbye :( <3

Back at the meeting point I was waiting outside with Britt. It felt weird to be back at that place, while having a Lover Secret Sessions tote bag with me. Like, SOMETHING VERY BIG HAPPENED TONIGHT. WE MET ONE OF THE BIGGEST POPSTARS. TAYLOR. SWIFT. TAYLOR SWIFT. WE WERE AT HER HOUSE!!! Britt was also panicking a bit, because she didn’t really know how to go back to her hostel. But luckily we fixed that together (and with a local AND Stephanie from TN!! SWEET!) and she booked a taxi, so she was safe apparently :) And then my taxi arrived at 11:30 PM. . . . . . .

I’m posting the story on August 18, which is more than two weeks later. I had some time to let it all sink in, which was quite hard. Like, it was just SO surreal. I keep using this word, but it’s just the only thing I could come up with. My feelings during this evening cannot really be described actually. I enjoyed EVERY. SINGLE. MINUTE. I wouldn’t have wanted to miss this experience!! I’m very grateful for the chance. Thank you @taylornation SO much for inviting me to @taylorswift‘s house. And thank you Taylor for letting me in your house! <3 I didn't tell you everything I wanted, since I had this whole list of things. But well... I had the time of my life with you and all the other Swifties. And that's what matters. This has been one of the happiest days of my life. 

Merry Christmas, @hotaruyuki!

Read on AO3

*****

Tradition? Honor? Discipline? Excellence? Whatever.

“I can’t fucking believe this! This is an Omega school!” Stiles shouted over his friends unintelligible shouting. “Allowing Alphas into Beacons will ruin everything!”

“You’re just scared of Alphas.” Allison accuses. Attempting to shut down Stiles’ histrionics before they continued any further.

“No! It’ll be a disaster.” Stiles spat at her. “You’ve just got nothing left to lose!” He mimes offensively towards his nether regions.

“Prude!” Alison taunts back at him with a smirk.

“You just want to greet them with open legs!” Stiles snarls back furiously. He immediately flinches back when Allison moves to make her way towards him.

“Okay, Stop! Stiles, stop.” Lydia snapped. “Weren’t we all just talking about how it’s gotten boring here? I specifically remember you complaining that this place was heading towards another of those Dead Poet Society endings.”

“Yes, but I’d rather be bored to death chanting Tradition, Honor, Discipline, Excellence” He swayed side to side dramatically at every word “than sniffed at! I’d rather sleep and eat than have to worry about killing ourselves to be cute!” He snarled, working himself up with every word. “We’ll be too tired for classes trying to outdo each other. But it won’t matter!” He shouts, flailing his arms in the air. “And that’s okay.” He spits sarcastically. “Because the teachers won’t call on you anyway. You don’t want to seem smarter than the Alphas because they don’t like that!” He mocks.

“I’m not going to change just because Alphas are around.” Isaac speaks out.

“I’ve seen you at school dances.” Stiles huffs. Cut off before he could continue a tirade on Isaac’s previous actions.

“Look Stilinksi.” Allison rounds on him, more furious at what he was about to say to Isaac than the rest of his ranting aimed at her. “I know you like this place the way it is. But wake up. This is not real life. Real life is Alphas, Omegas, Alpha, Omega…” Allison snaps at him.

“No! Real life is Alpha ON TOP of Omega!” Stiles screams back at her in fury. “But you should know that.” He mocks her, dropping down on his box to sit breathing harshly.

“I’m not going to sit here and listen to this.” Lydia speaks out in the silence. “Stiles, you just have to adjust. The rest of us don’t have a problem with the plans.”

“Fine. I guess I have to do everything myself.” He stands up and storms out of their meeting before the rest of them can, flipping them off as he goes.

Stiles dragged his date beside him from behind the rose bushes they were hiding behind. All to end up behind Kate and her date heading to the fountain.

“Oh, Oops!” Stiles cried out as he pushed Jared into Kate with a big shove, causing her to fall against the lip of the fountain and her sides to get wet from the water stream. “Oh No, Kate! You’re all wet!” Stiles mocked her predicament with false sympathy.

“You little bitch.” Kate straightened herself and hissed into his ear before she turned to face her date with a sweet smile. “I’m sorry, Derek. I’ll be right back.”

“You did that on purpose.” Derek said amused as he stepped up beside him, both of them watching Kate walk away.

“I did.” Stiles admitted. “You’re welcome.”

Derek grinned at him and Stiles tried his best not to react to that face. “Walk with me.” Stiles demanded, grabbing Derek’s arm and pulling them away.

“What about Jared?” Derek asked as he allowed himself to be easily led away.

“No idea. I expect someone to find him later.” Stiles replied snappishly, not wanting to get into details that didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. “Come on, let’s look at the gym”.

“What’s the meaning of this?” Derek questions with half a laugh as Stiles leans against the coke machine after shoving him into a chair, hip jutting out enticingly.

Derek looks exactly where Stiles wants him to before glancing up to meet his eyes. “Are you allowed to be alone with an Alpha?” Derek switches his smile to a leer.

“Wouldn’t be the first time.” Stiles smirks, walking over to sit beside Derek. Close enough that his side is pressed firmly against the larger Alpha’s. “You must remember my coming out party.”

Derek returns the smirk. “Interesting that you bring that up. I remember you throwing a glass of punch at me.”

“Yeah?” Stiles turns closer to Derek, rests his hands on the Alpha’s knee. “Remember how you tried to sniff me while we danced?”

Derek grabs Stiles’ hand and pulls it off his knee while he laughs. Instead of letting go he simply keeps a gentle hold of it to rest between his legs, Stiles’ arm extended to reach that far. “Ah yes, you were offended. Something about not giving me permission to do that. Scenting is a natural thing. But I believe you told me to stop breathing when we danced so I wouldn’t ‘sniff’ you”

“But you did sniff me. So I demand a favor.” Stiles says with bravado, sure the Alpha can hear his heart rate going off the charts. “Help me stop the co-ed merge.” He’s now itching to yank his hand back simply to see if it will calm his heart's pounding.

“Ah,” Derek chuckles, leaning closer to Stiles. “Afraid of Alpha’s taking over?”

“More like wishing to keep a little peace and civility before being thrust out into the world. You remember what a few hours together was like. Imagine days! Months! Forced to be in each other’s company!” His free hand flailed but Derek kept steady control of his other one.

“I see.” Derek responds. “ Answer me this. Is it Alphas in general the reason you want to stop the merging or me?”

Stiles laughs breathlessly. “You’re kidding. Of course it’s all Alphas!”

Derek watches him for a moment before nodding. “Alright, I’ll help. What do you need me to do.” Derek grins good naturedly back at Stiles.

Stiles bites his bottom lip trying to find the best way to relay his plan, realizing too late that Derek’s gaze was trapped by his actions. He quickly lets his bottom lip go.

“It comes with a sacrifice” Stiles warns him. “You need to get drunk or pretend to be drunk.” He pushes his hips out to reach into his back pocket to pull out a flask that he brandishes in front of them in triumph. “Then I need you to go back to the dance. Make sure to be seen dancing with Kate Argent. I’ll cause a distraction and you get to Kate's’ room. I sound the alarm. Boom, Kate's expelled and Alpha merger is cancelled.”

Derek wrinkles his nose. “That’s a terrible plan.”

“I know.” Stiles sighs apologetically. “I’m hoping to end two birds with one stone. You still in?” He shakes the flask in front of Derek again.

“If you give me your number.”

Stiles stares open mouthed. “What? But you were so mad last ti-”

“I know what I said.” Derek talks over him with a smile, taking the flask from Stiles’ slack hand anyway. “But I want to get to know you better. Even though I’m pretty sure you’re insane. Come on, it’s my one condition. I’ll have to feel guilty about framing an innocent student.”

Stiles grumbles under his breath. “She’s not innocent.” He meets Derek’s eyes with a bit of uncertainty. “But, Okay…” He blushes.

He knows this was the plan. But somehow, seeing Derek stumble all over Kate. Tripping up and forcing her to take his weight was a little obnoxious to see. It made his skin crawl. And surprisingly it had more to do with Kate than the actual act of Derek stumbling everywhere.

He watched as Kate's filthy hands gripped at Derek's shoulder. Stumbling under his added weight as she tried to balance them both. That was enough of that. He pushed himself into the middle of a dance between a visiting Alpha and one of his fellow students and steered them to bump into Kate and Derek, dropping the three of them into the punch when he shoved his recently acquired dance partner at the pair.

Kate screamed as Stiles apologized as innocently as he could in the commotion. Patting her down with a napkin he picked off the floor. “Maybe you should get changed?” He suggests, eying her stained dress disapprovingly. She leaves with a shriek and shoves Stiles’ dance partner to the ground one more time.

“Stiiiiles, I did iiit.” Derek giggled as Stiles hauled one of Derek's arms over his own shoulder to lift him from the ground and lead them out of the dance and around the building. All to enter Kate’s room after she finishes changing.

“You were great big guy.” Stiles huffed under the weight. Derek didn’t seem much larger than him but the Alpha’s muscle weight could not be ignored in this situation.

“I did it for youu.” He sighed into Stiles’ neck, pressing his nose against the back of his neck firmly as they stumbled away, breathing deeply.

He had half a mind to shrug Derek off him but the sensation was unlike anything he’d felt before since... It felt nice. In the end, he didn’t push Derek off. “You’re the best.” Stiles assured him as they hid in the hall closet to spy on Kate’s door.

They were quiet in there. Derek resting his weight against Stiles. His breath leaving a humid spot on his neck that he was unsure how he resisted reaching up to rub the feeling away, feeling a shiver go down his spine every few seconds without weakening.

Stiles watched Kate step out of her room, preening in her clean dress. She had bought a few dresses as she had been unable to decide which dress she wanted for this night. Apparently it worked in her favor. She strutted off, probably expecting to find Derek waiting for her. She wouldn’t know he’d be in her bed, ready to ruin her life.

“Okay, come on.” Stiles grunted as he pulled them out of the closet. Derek stumbling after him completely defenseless. “In here.” He walked them across the room, pushed Derek onto the bed and rushed to shut the door after them. “Take off your clothes.”

“Pushy. I like that.” Derek grinned sloppily at Stiles.

Stiles shook his head roughly, refusing to find that completely adorable. He stepped in towards Derek and helped him out of his jacket, tie, and shirt. Stiles gets on his knees to take the inebriated Alpha’s shoes and socks off because Derek stopped helping halfway through and leaned back on his hands.

Stiles felt the blush deepening on his cheeks as he reached for Derek’s pants buttons. “Maybe you should do this part?” He whispered, finding himself unable to catch a full breath.

“You’re doing great.” Derek responds, voice deep and rough. “Go on.”

“Fuck off.” Stiles hisses in alarm but with Derek refusing to move he undoes Derek’s pants buttons as methodically as he can, awkward, as he’s never had to undo buttons from his current side. After Unzipping them he stands up, shoves Derek backwards on the bed and yanks his pants off in one aggressive movement.

Derek props himself up on his elbows to smile at Stiles. Stiles’ mouth goes wet. And it isn’t the only thing about him to do so. “Woah.”

“Tuck me in?”

Stiles stares, dumbfounded. “Are you serious?”

Derek pushes back against the bed and squirms to rest comfortably on the pillows, watching Stiles expectantly.

With an annoyed huff, Stiles leans in to tuck Derek into Kate’s blankets when he’s pulled in, right off balance, and Derek kisses him.

He instantly puts a hand out against the mattress to keep himself from toppling over and another against Derek's chest. But one large warm hand wrapping around his hip as the Alpha’s lips press against his own, cause his arms to buckle.

Derek catches him to slow his descent and Stiles automatically brings his hands up to curl behind Derek’s head, grabbing fistfulls of hair and bringing himself closer to the Alpha. He was so sure this was how his coming out party was was going to end, better late than never.

“Wait. No-” Stiles moans as he forces himself away from Derek. “You’re drunk. It isn’t right.” He tries rolling off the bed.

“No, I just drank the punch. I wasn’t going to finish the entire flask, Stiles. That was straight up everclear with wolfsbane. How did you even get that?” Stiles stares at him opened mouthed.

“You lied to me.”

“A little.” Derek agrees with a shrug, still holding onto Stiles’ forearms. “I wanted to help you, but I wasn’t going to get completely fucked up. I did drink some of the flask though. Strong enough to get me tipsy.”

“But you were more than tipsy.” Stiles argues, propping himself above Derek on an elbow as he stares down at him.

“Okay, I was. But I’m an Alpha. My metabolism is pretty fast.”

“Oh.” Stiles agrees. “Okay then.” Then he leans back down to kiss Derek.

“I should get out before Kate gets back.” Stiles gasped between panting as he yanked up his pants from his hips up to his waist where they were supposed to sit. Somehow he’d gotten into a heavy make out session with Derek Hale. His first ever make out session. “You need to stay in bed. Try to fall asleep if you can. Or at least pretend to.”

Derek leaned over the bed to hand Stiles his wrinkled shirt that they both had wrestled him out of. “You should put that on… you’ve got uh-...” he motioned towards his own neck.

Stiles’ hands slapped against his neck to feel it hot and tight there he blurted out. “You bruised me!” Eyes wide and shocked staring at Derek.

Derek looked back sheepishly. “I accidentally gave you a hickey.”

“Oh my god! You’re so gross!” Stiles exclaimed in outrage.

Derek laughed. “You were fine with it when it was happening.”

“Yeah, because I didn’t know that would happen!” Stiles replied, stepping over to Kate’s vanity to check himself in the mirror. He had hickeys! Plural! “Derek!” He whined as he poked one. “That’s more than one!”

“You must bruise easy.” Was Derek’s simple response.

“It’s gonna hurt.” Stiles whines as he does up his shirt.

“C’mere.” Derek orders, and Stiles walks towards him. Allows himself to be forced to sit at the edge of the bed. “I might have gotten carried away.”

“You don’t say.” Stiles snarks back at him with a bit of a grin. He’s a little annoyed with Derek but still floaty from their makeout session.

“I won’t do it again, promise.” Derek promises as he pulls Stiles in for another kiss. “I’ll be more careful.”

“Stiles! You bitch!”

Stiles and Derek spring apart, look to the intruder. It’s Kate.

Shit.

“You’ve been expelled.” Stiles’ dad sighs as he sits in the bench beside his son out in the hallway.

“I thought so.” Stiles sniffles. This isn’t what he wanted. He wanted to stop the merging of the Alpha and Omega schools. He wanted to get Kate expelled for being a bitch. “I’m sorry dad.”

“Mistakes are made.” The Sheriff wraps an arm around his Omega son. “And the Hales called.”

“What?” Stiles demands.

“Talia is willing to have Derek take responsibility.”

“What does that mean?”

“Mainly, courtship. Mating.”

Stiles makes a grossed out face. “Isn’t that a little extreme?”

The Sheriff laughs. “Yes it is. I told her it was unnecessary. That you two would work it out if you wanted to.”

Stiles is quiet for a minute. “So you’re not mad at me?”

The sheriff laughs again. “Not particularly. I’ve gotten so many calls about your behavior over the years. I’ve been expecting this for some time. Maybe not for you being alone with an Alpha in another student’s room, but you pulled a lot of things off kiddo. You had to make your own mistakes.”

“Are you disappointed?” Stiles hesitates to ask.

The sheriff is quiet for what feels like a long time before sighing. “Only that you won’t get to graduate from here. That we have to find you another school. But you’re a teenager. Something like this really was bound to happen. Besides, the times are changing. You are allowed to make your own choices, even pick your own Alpha. You are almost eighteen.”

Derek waited around the game room, bored out of his mind. His family had been invited to the Stilinski household for a Christmas party thrown for the leaders of the county. He watched behind the Christmas tree as Stiles Stilinski walked down the staircase and into the fray finally making his entrance. Dinner parties were never any fun. There were hardly any people around of his own age and very improper to disrupt the party.

“There you are.” Stiles rounds the doorway and heads straight towards Derek. “I thought you had another party to go to?”

Derek closes the distance between them. “I did, but my date cancelled. Something about needing to support his father after his father supported him after getting expelled from school.”

Stiles smiles at Derek, reaching out for his hand. “I’m glad you could make it.”

“Well, I don’t exactly see you enough at school. Do I?”

“We have the same classes.” Stiles laughs as Derek tugs them away from the busy doorway to find a bit of privacy. Kissing him as soon as they're out of eyesight of the mingling crowd.

Creeps High School-I Need Answers

Not done yet!

I need answers, and fast.

I was just sitting in my room, trying to figure out what the hell today had been. My classes were hell, my teachers looked crazy, and everything seemed off. I didn’t want anything to do with this goddamn school anymore.

“Why the hell did he have to move here?” “It’s been one day, Alice. You need to give this town a chance.” My mother sat at her desk, taking books from her boxes and stacking them on the various shelves. “We can’t go back, and you know why. Just trust me on this, okay?” I took a second to think. To think of a response that wasn’t as vulgar as my thoughts. “Fine. Sorry mom, I’m just a little homesick.” “This is our home, Alice. You just haven’t gotten used to the place yet.” I had to hold myself back from snapping. Home. Yeah right. North Ridge was home. North Ridge is home. Not this place. Cartridge High is not home, and never will be.

That damned tapping is what woke me up. It sounded like someone was at the window, trying to get my attention. Like the stereotypical rocks on the window, but there was no upstairs in this house.

And nobody was their either.

I checked. Three times. But I just kept hearing it. A tapping sound. It seemed distant, yet so close. I couldn’t describe what it could have been. I barely slept.

I was in Mr. Drew’s class the next day when I realized it was the sound of my window lock. It always sounded off when you tried to open it from the outside.

I had chills the whole period. Thank god he didn’t notice. He had black shades on the entire time anyways. He was probably sleeping if I were to guess.

Home Ec was uneventful, aside from the goddamn cameras. They put me on edge the whole time. I wanted to ask, to get an answer, but I knew that was a terrible idea. This whole class seemed off anyways. Scratch that-this whole goddamn school. I stared into the lenses, trying to convince myself I was wrong. These people were normal. Nobody was crazy. Or maybe it was just me. Maybe I’m the one that’s crazy.

Maybe I’m driving myself insane.

And it’s been a fucking day.

“Hey, Alison!” I whipped around, seeing that girl from the day before. Her bright eyes stared back, their familiar hazel setting in. “Oh, hey Yasmin. It’s Alice, by the way-” “sorry, I’m bad with names. How are you?” She really wanted a conversation I guess. She set a hand on my shoulder, her grip a bit hard. “I’m okay, and you?” “I’m pretty good, thanks.” She offered a smile, which I half-assed returned. “So, second day here, you liking it so far?”

I think I could trust her. She seems like a sensible person.

“I’m a bit on edge, that’s all. The teachers seem a bit…unstable.” I glanced up to see her smile gone. Her grip on my shoulder hadn’t loosened. “What’s there to be afraid of? We’re all normal here.”

I didn’t think about her eyes.

I nodded, my breaths quickening. “Yeah…normal…could you let me go Yasmin? I’ve got a class to get to.” “There’s nothing abnormal about anyone here. Must be the whole ‘new kid’ thing, huh?” Her smile looked forced. Like she was trying to convince me she was her happy self she had been two seconds ago.

I nodded. Enemies was a bad idea. “Yeah, guess it’s just me.”

She let go, my body tensing up. “I’m sorry, I’ll talk to you later?” Yasmin flashed a smile, not waiting for a response. She just walked off, leaving me stung with apprehensiveness.

“Okay, so today is chair assignment. You’ll be playing your concert A flat scale and your chromatic. And as for you Carson, you’re already first chair, considering this summer.” Mr. Merrick smiled, glancing across the room. How could she already be first chair? It’s the second day of school! But…this summer? What did that mean?

I found myself staring at her from my chair. Her hair was pulled back in a pony tail, nails painted a dark purple. Her dark eyes were set on the piano, fingers hovering over the keys. She looked as though she might break if someone touched her. She looked delicate. Something about her made me want more. Made me want to know her. To help her. To not let those pieces break apart-

“Alice. Your scales please.” Mr. Merrick was pointing at me, his eyes impatient. “Sorry sir.” I mumbled, resting my chin on the edge. I glided the bow across the strings with ease, playing the scales from memory. Chromatic was easy, however I had no idea how many octaves he wanted us to go. My mind was still on Carson, wondering and wondering.

“Wow.” Was all he said. A few of the violins snickered, one growled with displeasure, two glared at me. I guess I wasn’t very well liked.

It’s been two days and everyone already hated me. Great.

“Let’s go! Keep it moving!” Coach Woods stood at the end of the road, glaring out at everyone who was walking. I was the last one. My lungs felt like they were going to burst, legs burning. It had been a while since I had to run in athletics, but it was never this bad back at North Ridge. “Come on Alice, I’m dying of old age here!” Coach Liu didn’t join in to scold him like usual, he was talking with another student, clearly annoyed.

Everyone who had noticed was scared. They practically begged me to hurry up. As I crossed the line, Coach Liu groaned. “That’s it. Thank little miss Joan for this. We’re all going inside and doing suicides. Get in the gym. On the double.” His voice sounded…deeper. More angered. It sounded absolutely pissed. Even Coach Woods looked nervous. “Yknow Sully, they did just run ten blocks. Maybe we should-” “shove it Jeff. She fucked it up for everyone else. Now let’s go!”

Everyone scrambled inside, even Yasmin, who was barely breathing hard. The girl he was talking to looked like she might cry any second. As everyone lined up, I felt my insides twisting and turning. This felt wrong. And…why did he call him Sully?

We ran and ran, at least four girls throwing up by now. I almost made it five. Even Yasmin looked paled out. “Sully, come on. We’ve been running suicides for ten minutes. Give the girls a break.” “We’ll stop when little miss Joan either throws up or passes out. Whichever comes first.” He looked indifferent. Coach Woods rolled his eyes, grabbing his keys. “Come on guys, we’re done.” As a few stopped running, Coach Liu interviened. “No. Keep going until she-” “no, Sully, we’re. Done.” They got inches from each other, Coach Liu looking down at him. “Got a problem?” “Yes, Coach, I do.” Coach woods pushed him back, handing Yasmin the keys. “Go unlock the locker room. Leave my keys by the door.” “But sir-” “Yasmin, get them outta here.” She plainly nodded, everyone following. I was the last to leave. All I saw was Coach Woods getting slapped in the face before I had to turn the corner.

“Wait!” I managed to run across the parking lot, despite recent events, but it was too late. The bus had already pulled out. “No! Come on, really?!” I let my bag drop to the ground, a pang of regret in my chest. Now I get to walk two miles. Fun.

That’s when a truck pulled up beside me. “Need a ride?” Their voice sounded familiar, but I couldn’t quite place it. Hey, a free ride is a free ride.

I climbed inside, my bag in my lap. “Thank you, by the wa-”

I glanced at the dash. There was a camera pointing towards the road.

It was Mr. Wright. His car smelled of smoke and some full cologne. He had a bag in the backseat, cigarette packs on the console.

“No problem. Where do you live?”

I forgot. I would have to tell the guy where I lived. Then he’d know. And that’s not something I needed in life. I quickly gave him the address, glancing out the window. I just wanted this ride to be over.

We sat in silence for about two minutes before he spoke up. “So, how was your second day here?” “Okay I guess. Classes are nice.” Mr. Wright nodded, smiling a bit. “Good. I hope you like it here. Nice place if you ask me.”

Nothing else was said. I felt paranoid the whole way home. Not only did he know where I lived, he had a recording of it. On tape.

“Thanks for the ride, Mr. Wright. I appreciate it.” “It’s no problem. Have a nice day Alice.” I grabbed my bag, quickly shutting the door. I didn’t wait to see him drive off. I wanted to be as far from him as possible.

That night, something didn’t feel right. I felt watched. Like somebody was waiting for me outside my window. I had my laptop turned onto the news, working on a report for history when I saw the broadcast.

“Police forces still have no indication of who this faceless killer is. Multiple scenes have been tested for fingerprints and samples of any kind for evidence, but have still come up empty handed. All victims have been left the same-dismantled with their internal organs disfigured or missing. Local citizens are advised to lock your doors and windows, and to stay inside after nine o'clock.”

That tapping sounded much more menacing now.

Episode 8 Review: A Two-for-One Deal

{ YouTube: 1 | 2 | 3 }

{ Synopses: Debby Graham | Bryan Gruszka }

{ Screencaps }

We open in an unfamiliar wood-paneled room with a large tape recorder and surveillance monitor built into the wall. Jean Paul has changed his clothing after seven episodes and doesn’t look haggard like before, both of which suggest that he has gotten some rest since we last saw him. The image of the cryonics capsule finally in focus on the monitor 44(!) seconds later, he switches on the tape recorder and begins his audio journal to the woman he loves:

My darling Michelle Erica, until the day comes when I can talk to you in person once again, I will record these tapes as our journal of events. Without you, my darling, the loneliness is unbearable, but my will to go on is strengthened by the hope that some day you will be back in my arms again.

He's facing away from the camera, which is realistic because he is watching the monitor but weird on a show where, in almost every other scene, everyone backacts nearly all the time. It would have made the most sense to shoot him from the side as a compromise: that way, the audience would see his facial expressions in profile while he views the monitor. Between this and the 44-second shot of him starting the tape recorder and adjusting the monitor controls, the directing in the opening scene is bad.

He sees Alison in the crypt and adds, “Your sister Alison seems to doubt the practicality of the cryonics procedure, but I assure you that-” He stops talking when he hears Alison begging Erica to “help [her] to convince him [his planned resurrection of her] is impossible.” Then he switches off the monitor and the tape recorder and stands there for a moment pondering.

For a while, Jean Paul’s messages to Erica become the main method of recap for his plotline, and the device works well. In this scene, we only have the introduction to the journal, but soon we will hear a lot more. In some episodes, he doesn’t record the journal but talks directly to the cryonics capsule as Alison does here. Not only is it a clever means of exposition, but it’s also often quite romantic (at least for those of us who have crushes on Jean Paul) and more original than the opening narrations that the show starts using in Episode 45 when Bob Costello becomes a producer and the show becomes much more Dark Shadows-esque. I prefer the show’s earlier episodes. While I’m a fan of both shows, I like Strange Paradise best when it’s doing its own thing, rather than trying to mimic Dark Shadows.

Alison shivering because apparently it’s cold.

The next scene opens with Alison shivering as she walks over to the fireplace in the Great Hall. Jean Paul must not only have air conditioning in the Château de Maljardin, but he must have it turned down below 68°F (20°C) for her to be even remotely cold wearing that tweed suit in a castle in the Caribbean. Either that, or the evil of the island casts a constant chill over the château that keeps it cold inside even when it’s over a hundred degrees (37.8°C) on the mainland. If it’s the latter, I understand why most of the characters don’t dress for a tropical climate. But if it’s the former, they are being super-wasteful lighting fires to keep warm in a sprawling château that must cost thousands of dollars per month to air-condition (not including the capsule), and I have no pity for them whatsoever if they’re cold. I guess that Jean Paul values being able to sulk around the house in his business suit over the environment.

If you’re that cold, just turn up the thermostat or go take a walk outside. Seriously, WTF?

Alison reveals to Jean Paul that she knows of Dr. Menkin’s death, and he tries to explain it by claiming that Menkin fell off the dock, even suggesting that he may have committed suicide out of guilt for not being able to save Erica. Alison doesn’t believe him. She then tells him that Raxl says he is possessed, and he denies it. “Surely you don’t take that tale of Jacques Eloi des Mondes seriously,” he asks, “or do you?” He admits that he’s had trouble controlling himself, but blames it solely on Erica’s death. I suppose he’s worried that she would think him insane if he admitted that Jacques possesses him, but, considering how frightened she was by her dream about Jacques, I think that she would have believed him.

Jacques’ portrait is literally larger than life. Also, Jean Paul is adorable.

At the French Leave Café, Dan asks Vangie if she knows anything about Jacques Eloi des Mondes--whose name, you may recall, he learned in Episode 4 when he saw Jacques signed some legal documents with his own name while possessing Jean Paul. Vangie tells him she will take him “on a little trip...back three hundred years”--which, alas, is just a metaphor and no one is going to be pulling out a time machine or I Ching wands to travel to the 17th century. Dan seems a little disappointed when he realizes that. Perhaps he secretly longs to be his previous incarnation d’Anton, bad wig and all. Anyway, he shows her the documents that Jacques signed. She dismisses it as a prank, but also says this: “Even in memory, let Jacques Eloi des Mondes remain dead.”

Vangie’s initial reaction to seeing Jacques’ signature on the documents.

Back on Maljardin, Jacques takes control of Jean Paul again and proceeds to try to gaslight Alison into thinking herself crazy for even suspecting that he is possessed. He shows his cards (so to speak) rather amusingly, though, when he refers to the woman in one of the paintings of Jean Paul’s ancestors as his descendant:

I’m assuming that is the actual line and not a line flub.

The attempted gaslighting backfires and Alison tells him, “Every time I see you, I realize more and more that you are two different people. One is Jean Paul, the man who married my sister, a little sadder since my sister's death, a man I've always admired and been fond of. And the other...like the man I dreamed of.” She then threatens to take Erica’s body with her to give her a proper funeral (how she plans to get her out of the cryocapsule is unclear) and, in that instant, Jacques leaves Jean Paul’s body. Jean Paul refuses a funeral service, which I guess pleases Jacques enough to praise him again? I don’t really know.

Jacques: “Bravo. You handled it almost as well as I could.”

Meanwhile, Jean Paul’s mute zombie servant Quito arrives at the café to collect the legal documents so that Jean Paul can sign them on Maljardin. Dan gives them to him, but neither one can travel to Maljardin because of the winds (which Quito tells him through a hand motion that Vangie interprets).

Dan already knows that he is on the losing side of the love triangle.

After Quito leaves, Vangie tells Dan that the signature may not have been fake and gives him some more background information on Jacques. Most of this is recap, but she does provide the new information that “[her] father was the papaloi, the priest who pronounced the sentence” that condemned him to death via conjure doll and silver pin. “My father is very old,” she adds, “but I am his youngest daughter.” (How old is Vangie, then? Is she hundreds of years old like Raxl and Quito?) She has him choose a random card from her tarot deck, and he chooses the King of Swords. Then she starts drawing tarot cards to represent different characters:

Dan Forrest: Knight of Clubs

Alison Carr: Ace of Cups

Before she can draw a card to represent herself, Quito returns to inform Dan that his plane has arrived. He departs and immediately after, Vangie makes a startling revelation:

The King of Swords was Jacques’ card!

Coming up next: Jean Paul meets up with Tim at the French Leave Café and Elizabeth makes some shocking accusations against Holly. Not as interesting an episode as this one, I agree, but it’s what’s coming up next. As for whether I will choose to write about that or something else, you will have to wait and see.

{ <-- Previous: Episode 7   ||   Next: Episode 9 --> }

How the PLL Finale Retroactively Ruined the Show

This was honestly the most baffling series finale I have ever seen, and that includes (yes, really) the finale to How I Met Your Mother. Let me break it down for you, and explain exactly why it is so mind-bogglingly terrible.

 ~From opening credits to the 40-minute mark: random filler dream sequences, pointless cameos, and fan-fiction lip service smut, the latter of which might have made sense if they hadn’t inserted about fifty sex scenes into the previous two episodes as well. 

Then came what was arguably the best scene of the episode, Twincer mimicking Spencer as she wakes up in her high-tech underground bunker, complete with fake atmosphere and nature, built in a year under the entire town of Rosewood via a single entrance below a private house by contractors who didn’t care about bylaws, zoning restrictions, or the need to provide silent heavy machinery that can be condensed into the size of a doorframe to be reconstructed inside Toby’s house in order to complete their job. Awesome! I thought that was a neat way to introduce the twincer concept, with the mirror imaging. My optimism for the episode rises slightly.

The Spencer-twin theory was the one I was predicting would be brought to the table, so I was gratified to be correct. I’d seen interviews with I. Marlene King where she said she’d read correct theories online, and I’ve read (and constructed!) some very complex ones that would have tied together most of the series, so at this point, my impatience brought on by the complete waste of my time creating a 2-hour finale was dissolving.

Oh man, was I in for it! BLIMEY!

               I’m entirely baffled by the rest of the finale, save for Mona’s ending, which was hilarious if not completely logical (let’s be honest, we all suspend our logic somewhat when watching this show. We have to.) But the A.D. reveal? The only explanation for the way they built Alex Drake’s backstory is that somehow they deliberately conceived of a character whose existence could create an explanation for 90% of the plotholes of the entire 7 seasons, give the show a deeper meaning, and give reason to the fact that multiple random people seem to want to torture a specific handful of (admittedly thoughtless and sometimes downright idiotic) suburban highschoolers-turned-grownups in a game of Pass The Torture Baton ….and then said, hey, fuck it! That’d be too easy; let’s actually go to MORE effort to give her a backstory that not only has raging plotholes of its own, but retroactively ruins the CeCe reveal (which was culturally insensitive in and of itself, but let’s not even go there).

How does this retroactively ruin the CeCe reveal, you ask? Not sure why you would, but let’s indulge. If CeCe was having this sisterly relationship with Alex since she left for France, which was canonically taking place after the girls killed Shana in New York, then why was CeCe’s obsession with Alison? Alison, homecoming queen, must reconcile with my sister Alison! Pictures of Alison all over my lairs, and the dollhouse is so I can bring a homecoming for my sister Alison, and I’m going to leave lots of clues about my origins with the DiLaurentis family. Except I already found a true sister in Europe, and my other actual biological sister is Spencer, but fuck her, because for some reason, the Hastings are TERRIBLE PEOPLE, Alex, just trust me (*cough cough* pot, kettle, black *cough cough*).

Aside from the fact that I don’t understand why Charlotte would have a particular vendetta against Spencer, at least enough to tell Alex that she needs to stay away from her, the timeline also makes no sense. If, as Alex says, Wren and Melissa were already broken up by the time she met him, which was obviously before she met Charlotte, since he introduced them, then the scene with Hanna and Melissa in London makes no sense. How could Hanna run into Melissa in London DURING the five-year time jump, with them conversing about how Melissa and Wren recently broke up, if they were already broken up for good before the dollhouse episodes occurred?

Of course, this is only one of many, many gaping holes (phrasing) in this incredibly condensed half-finale reveal. Many people have said, “it’s Pretty Little Liars! Stop thinking it through so much.” And I’m like, “yes, hello 2017, I realize that suspending disbelief and lowering your standards below ground level are basically a necessity for this brave new world, but somehow I still manage to press on with it.”

The reason that these lackluster explanations are so infuriating is two-fold. First, the show has historically managed to weave complex concepts and suspenseful plotlines, while dropping hints that are obscure and yet indicate the potential that the overall conclusion of the show could redeem the many failings it has. Second, and most importantly, it actually quite literally would have been EASIER to use the twin theory to retroactively explain the overall arc of the show in a satisfying way. At the moment that Alex says goodbye to Charlotte as she returns to the US and says she never saw her alive again, my friend and I paused the show (thank god I downloaded this illegally, I can’t imagine how I would have felt if I’d paid to watch that episode), and looked at each other in disbelief. Don’t worry, past self! It’ll only get more horrifyingly, entertainingly bad.

With the exception of episode 7x19, the entire seventh season was filler, and not even good filler. I convinced myself that it was because they were building up to a dramatic, shocking and satisfying finale. I also told myself I wasn’t going to be too optimistic, but clearly I was in serious, life-threatening denial. After suffering through an entire year consisting of 9 filler episodes and a lot of waiting, the entire deductive process of the main characters discovering A.D.’s identity can be summed up in two lines of dialogue (paraphrased): 

Toby: “you guys! A horse and Jenna told me Spencer isn’t herself! Also she gave me a book! She’s a twin, she’s evil! We have to get her!” 

Everyone else: “uhhh hang on we were engaging in illegal and grossly inappropriate investigation of our friends’ credit card statements and GPS tracking because he was mean and left our other friend at the altar! P.S. I still don’t understand why people always want to torture us! A twin, you say? TWINS RUN IN THEIR FAMILY! Say no more! Let’s hurry and get there before we run out of time in this finale, I swear there was a reason it was two hours long.”

I actually calculated the time that this scene took, and it was exactly one minute. From Toby arriving and spewing nonsense about Spencer’s book when they were asking about Ezra’s whereabouts, to them just accepting what wasn’t even presented as a theory, but a statement of fact based on the testimony of one of their sworn enemies, and a horse (this is so ridiculous, it bears repeating). Literally 60 effing seconds. I’m so glad they stayed true to the fans by indulging in their enjoyment of the process, of the deduction and clues that led to their discovery of villains or potential villains over the years.

Still not convinced? This isn’t enough lead-up? Don’t change the channel! Just wait! There’s more! We’ve got the most exhausted TV trope in history, the “which twin is the evil twin? Let’s ask a question only the REAL Spencer Hastings would know! Better hope the twin never read the book that she knew her doppelganger loved so much, despite the fact that she clearly spent months or years studying her as to effectively mimic her and be able to regurgitate specific bits of knowledge from her life or memories by rote, and also knew to give you the book in the first place. But oh wait, she didn’t even bother to make sure her copy looked like the original, so somehow she is omniscient and yet also lacks a keen eye for detail simultaneously.”

Mona’s ending was clever and satisfying, aside from the fact that they painted Mary Drake as an insane-yet-still-protective mother to Spencer, but then we were supposed to be happy about her eternal torture and misery at the hands of another mentally ill person. Aside from all the incredibly offensive lessons we’ve been taught by PLL about mental health issues, the Mona ending was somewhat fulfilling, and had they ended the finale there, I might have upgraded my evaluation of this episode from 0.0003/10 to 0.0005/10. But no, they had a group of the most awkward and untalented pre-teens regurgitate the exact script from the beginning of the pilot, a move so bewilderingly stupid, I don’t even understand how the executives gave this thing the green light. Who are these people, and why are they getting paid exponentially higher salaries than I am? What is most confusing about this is that I watched an interview with I. Marlene King where she was bursting with pride about this “full-circle moment” and couldn’t wait to reveal it to the fans. Did she actually watch the final edit of this thing? The only part of this that feels full-circle is the way it resembles a dog chasing its tail. Pointless, self-serving, and humorous in the most ridiculous way.

The most entertaining part of this entire experience is that they spent 7 years teaching their fans how to use social media and technology to harass people who have wronged them, and then completed their run by creating an ending that would instil the same emotions into those people. Good luck with that! (N.B.: I do not endorse this in any way. I mean that truly; you deserve better than to waste any more time or effort on this show, or anyone who had a hand in crafting that ending).

               Personally, I’ll end this with my relatively simplistic alternate explanation/ending that would have circumvented all of this bullshit, then sigh a breath of relief at the catharsis that is walking away from all those wasted hours of my life. As an aside, I hope Troian Bellisario goes on to bigger and better things – her accent wasn’t great, but her acting was fantastic. You were the sole saving grace of this episode. In the meantime, I recommend to anyone who hasn’t watched the finale yet: pretend that 7x19 is the last episode, for your own sake. It has a decent ending, and while it doesn’t answer most of your questions, it doesn’t retroactively ruin the entire 7 seasons preceding it, either.

How it Actually Should Have Ended

-          “I’m your twin! Alex Drake!” *Spencer gasps in shock*.

-          “How is this possible?” The fans ask.

-          She tells her story:

-          I was adopted from Radley, but given back because by the time I could form memories, I was already too much of a rascal! I was raised in Radley under the name Bethany Young, and Alison lured me from the Sanitarium with the intention to kill me out of jealousy. I can make plans too, though! I convinced another patient with blond hair to come with me, and put her in the clothes Jessica gave me. She was buried by Melissa, who thought she was Alison. The same person who switched Alison’s dental records did the same for me, and also I found out my real name is Alex Drake. From then on, I was obsessed with getting revenge with not only Alison for plotting to kill me, but also the girls who let her get away with being such an abysmal person. As a bonus, one of them is my twin sister who had the luck of being born a minute before me, and therefore got a fabulously privileged life, while most of mine was spent in Radley. So I enlisted Mona and then Charlotte, whom I discovered to be my sister during my investigation of my family tree (and was lucky enough to be cooped up in Radley too! Double score on the background connections!) to help me get revenge on those I perceived to be the source of my own misery in life.

-          No? Too easy? I guess we’ll just have to insert a time-travelling paradox of a backstory to explain my existence, because otherwise our executive producer would have to actually re-watch some of the episodes before writing this finale. And that would be way, way too much work (considering the pittance I’m sure she’s paid) to create the ending to a show whose premise is the unraveling of a mystery. It’s okay, the show was insanely popular enough to give her more work in the future, no matter how badly she cratered the one episode that could have made the whole thing brilliant.

More GZL Member #PLL Solo Theories from the Database! 2017

So I believe the finale is already airing on the east coast. The rest of the world hasn't seen it yet... UGH, THE WAIT! Anyhow Tumblr was being all glitchy last night about letting me add these to the GZL Master Batch so I had no choice but to add them here. It's a collection of member's own theories and past blog posts. Enjoy! CRYSTAL LYNN LAWYER'S "BETHANY HAS A TWIN" SOLO THEORY: If Bethany is still alive then she might look like either Charlotte or Alison and that could mean that she is also Spencer's sister too. Here are some examples why I think that it could be Bethany:  The night when Mona hit Alison on the head with a rock, instead of Bethany, maybe they could be twins. When Melissa was talking to Charlotte (that night), that could had been Bethany. I think that they are all related to one another, just like Uber A. D. could be related to someone on the show, like Spencer maybe.  ************** SHEENA CLAYTON'S "MELISSA IS AD" SOLO THEORY: Now im certain AD is Bethany OR Melissa! (Cite: @AKnowsAll à PLL clue handle has been dropping Bethany clues about twins and one twin starting with a "B" or clues involving the initial "B," 2017, Twitter) Melissa always said, she's been trying to protect spencer from. Day 1. AD never really hurt the girls. Not like Cece/Charlotte did.  AD was just messing up their lives, and trying to get them to admit shiz, and revealing secrets they didnt (already) know.  Remember when Mary referenced how Spencer and Melissa could be twins? ... I think Mary knows Melissa is in a Spencer mask, and thats why she stabs her in the promo. And why Mona knocks her out. But I think bethany is the crazy one and is helping. (Cite: @AKnowsAll mentioned blonde twins and how one is a "genius" but "the other is insane," 2017 Twitter) ******************* KKThanks "Melissa almost HAS to be AD...10 million clues and possibilities!":   This is long but I NEED you to read!!  I always thought it would be interesting Charlotte was Peter Hastings’s child and was jealous that Spencer got so much attention from Peter.. This is especially interesting if we consider the possibility that Charlotte knew that Spencer was adopted the whole time and yet got embraced by the Hastings family. Melissa and Spencer were always at odds too which is interesting since I always thought Melissa was Charlotte’s friend.. The first thing Charlotte said after Spencer introduced herself to Charlotte was “Melissa Hastings’s little sister!” And I have always believed that to be a clue.  Peter has been trying to protect his family from secrets that CHARLOTTE could potentially reveal and we never realized this. It seemed at the time that Peter and Jessica had a deal about ALISON.. But this could get a lot more interesting if their secrets revolved around the danger Charlotte presented. After all, when Jessicas initial secrets started coming out, interestingly enough the ones involving Spencer were about a girl dressed in Alis clothes, but NOT ALI. Those secrets came out of a sealed file she had with Jessica, but Charlotte had known the details of these secrets the whole time.  Back to my suspicion that Melissa and Charlotte had a friendship/ agreement situation.. Supposedly Melissa had no clue the girl she buried was not Alison, but a “stranger,” Bethany young. And Charlotte had no clue the girl she was hitting with a rock was Ali, not Bethany. Both of them swear that they did what they did to protect a relative (Charlotte claims Bethany was going to attack Jessica, Melissa claims she thought Spencer killed Alison and she buried her to protect Spencer). Melissa and Charlotte DEFINITELY at least know each other, and because of my strong suspicion that they were friends / working together, I must say it’s awfully “coincidental” that each of them ended up killing the other’s enemy. (But they said there are no coincidences in rosewood!) And if anyone doesn’t believe Melissa hated Ali on that level, don’t forget about the NAT video where she barged into Alis room the night she disappeared demanding where she was. She also had told Ian that same night that if he saw Alison again, someone would get hurt.  AND DEFINITELY don’t forget about the NAT club. Charlotte and Melissa were both linked to that club too. What was really going on with them that night? The first time Ali asked jason what the movie the club was filming was about (this was in “the first secret”), he said that if he told her, he would have to kill her. Maybe he meant it more than we knew. Don’t forget, Ian was Melissa’s boyfriend at the time and when he met up with Ali, he screamed at her about the videos, threatening that there were things about her and her family on there that could bring everybody down.  Charlotte has also claimed that EVERYONE wanted the videos back from Ali, “Spencer’s big sister the most.” Now I find myself wondering which sister of Spencer’s she meant, if not both of them. Most everyone I can think of who wanted those videos had a link to the NAT club. What exactly has the NAT club planned to do that night? Why was an emergency meeting called, by Melissa’s boyfriend, no less?  Also, considering that Melissa and Ian supposedly both wanted the videos back and Alison was the one who stole the videos, I find it intriguing that she demanded for him NOT to see her again, as I mentioned above, and even said that someone would get hurt if he did. Obviously I know she didn’t want him dating Ali anymore, but Ali was also the only chance they really had on getting the videos back. It could even be the real reason Melissa wanted to attack Ali. Maybe Charlotte’s real reason as well. This is even MORE likely when considering the fact that Ian eventually tried to kill Spencer because of these videos. He said “I’m doing this because I love your sister,” which is ANOTHER person mentioning Melissa wanting these videos back, badly… (Unless he meant Charlotte) I believe Melissa and Charlotte were in on the video motive together. I feel like Melissa and Charlotte both knew about A (Mona) and wanted to steal the game at this point.  Then, I think about the fact that NAT club members have been attacked and killed throughout these A games. And I wonder if Charlotte and Melissa didn’t have a reason / motive for turning on the NAT club and trying to get the videos themselves, way back “before it all started.” Is this the time Melissa has been referring to? Maybe, at the very least, they thought the other members of the NAT club found out too much about them. I also think Jason was drugged for a specific reason, almost as if to distance him from the others.  Supposedly our first A, Mona, believed that she had hit Ali, then later on admitted that she was the one who killed Bethany… Although technically, MELISSA killed Bethany. Maybe she just likes to cover for all her bosses.  When Mona was revealed as A, it was clear she had revealed herself to Spencer on purpose. She wanted to recruit Spencer on to the A team and if she refused, she wanted her to disappear; she would make her disappear, just like when Alison disappeared. Mona mentioned working for someone all the way back then on the A team, someone who always had a plan. This has been revealed to be Charlotte, but I get strong vibes Melissa was involved too. Don’t forget, Melissa showed up at the masquerade ball as the black swan. She claims that Mona blackmailed her into showing up to distract Jenna.  The problem is, that doesn’t make sense; it doesn’t add up. We have never learned of any plan that Mona had that Jenna stood in the way of, except dating Noel Kahn. Mona wouldn’t need Jenna distracted. But Melissa and Charlotte might have had a reason. The intention the whole time was for Mona to go to Radley. Maybe they wanted Mona in there to get answers about their family… Noel’s other girlfriend, Jenna, claims that Charlotte wanted that from her.. When the girls suspected Charlotte as A, they quickly got distracted and moved onto other options. The same has happened with Melissa. They could’ve worried that Jenna was onto them and their plans and therefore needed her distracted.  Mona took the blame for everything she had done as A even though supposedly she had a boss.. Charlotte. Later on, when wilden was killed, Mona tried to claim she did it, landing back in Radley, which seemed deliberate once again. Then it came out that Charlotte did it.. But did she? Or was she taking the blame for something uber A did? Part of Charlotte’s story that didn’t add up to me was that she killed wilden because he was never going to let Ali come back and tell her story. Charlotte would be totally screwed if Ali came back to town and told the story of how Charlotte nearly murdered her and left her for dead..  Also, wilden hadn’t been posing an actual threat to Ali, yet the motive behind his death supposedly was “making sure he could never hurt my sister again.” This sounds like something that makes more sense if they were referring to SPENCER. Wilden terrorized Spencer, even beat her up while dressed up as the queen of hearts on the Halloween train, the same costume Melissa wore, sneakily AGAIN, allegedly “protecting Spencer.” The story also makes a lot more sense if instead of occurring with Sara Harvey, it occurred with Melissa, and Charlotte and Melissa’s roles were reversed from the way Charlotte presented in her flashback/ story. After all, Charlotte did refer to Sara as a decoy.  I found it odd that Charlotte wasn’t around the night of the Halloween train, considering she was the one calling the shots. But if MELISSA was the one who wanted wilden gone, this would make some sense. Charlotte could have worried about being seen by wilden and maybe some others on the train. So Mona and Melissa show up in disguise and we are supposed to believe only ONE of them was working with Charlotte? If wilden knew what happened with Charlotte, I have a hard time believing he did not eventually find out what Melissa had done that night as well. And Melissa had more to lose by the truth coming out. Charlotte already knew she would probably just go back to Radley for killing and torturing people as opposed to getting arrested.  The night Garrett started telling Spencer more detail about the night Ali disappeared and cast doubt on the story the girls currently believed, wilden killed Garrett. Because he worried his involvement might come out? There’s video surveillance of wilden yelling at the other queen of hearts about this, just as Spencer was trying to get Aria so Garrett could talk to her to her face.  Also interesting, in Garretts flashback, we see Melissa calling someone frantically calling someone asking “what do I need to call the police to get your attention?!” We never found out who she was calling, but we did later hear allegations that Melissa called Charlotte to get her help with the videos. (Was that them saying part of the A motive outloud?) Melissa probably knew Charlotte and Wilden had a weird connection; maybe that’s why they included the remark about calling the cops.  Wilden seemed to believe the person in the other queen of hearts costume shared the exact same concern as he did about the truth coming out. This fits the profile for CHARLOTTE, but if I am right about him knowing what Melissa did, it works for her too. Conveniently, when the other queen of hearts was about to show her face, Mona’s RV computer gets hacked. When Spencer asks who the QOH was, Mona says “your sister” and I ALWAYS wondered if this meant that Spencer had more than one… Since she didn’t use Melissa’s name. And it turns out Spencer does have more than one. The jury is still out there for me on if there was a third QOH, Charlotte.  Either way, I believe Aria was drugged so that Garretts story would stop with Spencer. Conveniently, Toby had joined the A team around this time and was being used as a tool to make Spencer crazy and eventually this landed her in Radley. We know that Charlotte was on Ezra’s payroll, I bet she also provided him with info to make Spencer seem crazy also when she suspected him. But maybe the A team needed Spencer in Radley for reasons that go beyond her seeming crazy. I mentioned before that the A team’s games could “all lead back to radley” because answers about their family were in radley. Maybe they needed Spencer there to figure out some lingering unanswered questions they had.  When Spencer first went to Radley, I ALWAYS got a weird vibe from Melissa’s reaction. I felt that she was playing dumb/ faking when she showed up at the school looking for Spencer. I think she already knew exactly where she was. I also found her word choice interesting when she visited Spencer at Radley and she said she felt like it was her fault Spencer was there because Melissa was supposed to be in charge of her. Maybe it WAS Melissa’s fault Spencer was there on a much larger scale. Melissa seems a little bit more connected to Radley than what meets the eye, don’t forget wren also said that Melissa was the one to connect Mona with Charlotte back in the early A days.. And maybe she was.  Another thing that gets to me is that Melissa and Charlotte have both downplayed and/ or lied about how well they knew wilden. ALSO, Melissa refused to answer Spencer when Spencer asked if Melissa killed Wilden. A simple NO will usually do if you haven’t murdered someone and you’re asked if you did.. I think Charlotte covered for Melissa because Melissa knew a lot of secrets about her too so she “owed her.” Another Wilden/ Melissa / Charlotte link is the lodge fire night. At this point, Melissa and Charlotte both allegedly shared a motive again, they both wanted to find out if Ali was alive. This was the night Charlotte “used Sara as a decoy.” When asked if Sara was the other red coat, Charlotte said “when I needed her to be.” Does that mean that at other times, someone else was calling the shots?  This plan was likely contingent on Spencer’s safety, hence Toby double crossing Mona and taking Spencer outside. Charlotte wanted Spencer and the other girls to help her find Ali, and Melissa wanted to find out if Ali was alive as well, so that works.. But Charlotte and Melissa describe what happened at the fire differently. Charlotte claims she didn’t plan on the fire, Shana showed up and the plan went to hell according to her. But Melissa blamed the fire on wilden, and had been seen telling Jenna and Shana that “those bitches would be at the lodge” that night. I think Charlotte was working with Melissa and therefore DID know the fire was going to happen; that’s why Spencer was not inside. Melissa could have been “distracting Jenna” again; Jenna finding out Ali was alive would mean trouble for Melissa and Charlotte.  Melissa would make so much sense as AD. One might question why she would work with someone who staged her husband’s suicide note.. But Melissa could have been playing Ian. Married for love or an alibi? Maybe she was the one who married for an alibi because she didn’t want all her secrets coming out. And considering how well Mona did staging a scene at the bell tower back in the day, maybe Melissa enlisted her help faking Charlotte’s death. I’m bouncing between whether Melissa would still be working with Charlotte at this point or if she turned on her and actually attacked her, but either way she’s the perfect AD." Cites: KKThanks Tumblr: https://kkthanks.tumblr.com/post/160355130008/melissa-almost-has-to-be-ad10-million-clues-and *********************** KKThanks "COULD Caleb be A?!" I found motive... So “I had a bad thought.” Lol. As much as I usually am against the idea of one of the girls or significant others (besides Toby) being A, I couldn’t help but notice that one of the girls would have a HUGE motive to turn Mona into Alison, ie) making her call herself Alison, sleep in her “room,” wear her clothes, blonde hair.. BE her pretty much.  That girl is Hanna, because Mona caused her to have an identity crisis because Mona admitted to actively changing Hanna and making her become a new version of Alison. Hanna went through such a terrible time after that, and a lot of her problems were caused by Mona. And Caleb found out about this and he wasn’t pleased. WE SAW THIS. He lied to Hanna about the brain in Mona’s locker; he never came out and told her it was him who did it, and he acted like he found out about it by hearing other people talk. The note that Mona found with the pig in her locker greatly resembled an A note, almost as if the the person who had written it stole Mona’s game and was now beating her. We once saw an “A” ending with A hacking into the Radley computers to get Mona’s visiting privileges that. People jumped to the idea of assuming Wren was involved.. But maybe we were seeing somebody FIX what Big A had done. CALEB is the one who caused Mona to lose her visiting privileges. Maybe that angry scene between Caleb and Mona was a CLUE.  And maybe Hanna figured out by now that he is involved. Maybe this is why Caleb was able to hack in what seemed like very little time, to find the girls. Maybe he already knew where they were. After all, the dollhouse SUCKS for the girls, Mona especially since she has been there the longest. Maybe Caleb orchestrated this knowing that this unknown, mysterious “A” person would be blamed and nobody would suspect him. Like I said, it sucks there, but Hanna is OUT OF *JAIL* now at least which is where she was prior to this!  One thing Caleb did agree with Mona on was taking Alison down too which is why she was left in jail. When the girls tried to turn A in, A cleared out their phones of all things A related. This A seems to possess the same technological skills Mona did. Caleb OPENLY fits that category, and before Mona’s “DEATH,” this was acknowledged out loud when she asked for Caleb’s help with hacking. Caleb probably found more things to use against her by doing this. He needed the girls to think that “A” was to blame for the dollhouse, so he couldn’t have them turn over that evidence at this point.  Caleb never said that he stopped trying to take Mona down, so why do we assume he did? And Hanna obviously wanted to leave jail, and maybe she was willing to let Caleb do this if it meant her name would be cleared and even that she could leave jail. They showed her describing how awful it was in the finale for a reason. Tanner also said out loud in the finale that he suspected Caleb knew exactly where the girls were. Caleb does strike me as the kind of guy who would become A just to take the other A down for good. Could Caleb have stolen the game from Mona? And could Hanna be helping him? Didn’t Caleb wear a phantom of the opera costume once? The theme of Charles’s prom...  Another point: I wrote this BEFORE Caleb put a tracking device on Hanna’s car and then the girls learned that Charles had put tracking devices in their bodies. I didn’t miss this clue; it just hasn’t happened yet :)" Cites: KKThanks Tumblr: https://kkthanks.tumblr.com/post/138998263338/could-caleb-be-a-i-found-motive *************** No matter who ends up being correct here, GZL is having a party later in the group to either celebrate another win or mourn. Lol. HEY ITS PLL SERIES FINALE DAY! The very last PLL Day ever for fans... kinda sad. So let's make it special. Share some stories of fan friendships you've made over the past 7 years! I'll repost some of them.

“Things That Should (and Must) Happen, Moving Forward”

Part 2 of 5: Emily breaks things off with Paige after realizing that she can’t ignore what’s happening around her; life isn’t a fairy-tale.

“So,” Paige breathes out, sitting across from Emily in the dimmed confines of The Brew, “what’d you want to talk about?”

“Us,” her voice is already broken and tired, coming out hoarse while dark circles surround her eyes.

“Em, have you been sleeping?”

Emily shakes her head but sighs with a quiet “No, I haven’t, but I don’t care about that right now.”

“I care,” Paige offers with a protective tone.

“Paige, stop,” she snaps, watching the other girl look taken aback. “Just… stop right now, okay?”

Paige grows silent, sitting back in her chair and waiting for Emily to speak. At first, Emily seems to lose her train of thought, staring at the floor nearby while biting her inner cheek with a creased forehead. She looks angry, actually, but her energy feels way more drained, and perhaps a bit cold.

“Why did you kiss me that night?” Emily feels as though she’s been repeating the same words all too often, causing her to nearly roll her eyes because, currently, it feels all too ironic and she just wants to hide in a place far, far away.

“What?” Paige makes a face. “Why would you ask that?”

“Because I know you found out about Alison’s pregnancy, earlier that day,” Emily says, looking into Paige’s eyes.

Only hours ago, she had visited Alison at her house, actually speaking with the blonde after three days of near-complete silence ━ albeit barely. They spoke little about what Alison wants to do ━ although she’s made it known to Emily that it’s their choice now ━ but, before the brunette left, the other girl absentmindedly spilt the information that Paige knows.

“Wait, what did you just say?” Emily frowns, staring at Alison who turns to her with a confused face, visibly thinking before she repeats her words.

“Uh,” she shakes her head, “the other day in the teachers’ lounge. I felt sick, so I had to run to the bathroom. When I got back, she was holding my appointment card and clinic papers. I was so… pissed… that I just grabbed my stuff and left. Who knows if she’s said anything to anyone. Whatever.”

After that, Emily fell into a whirlwind of wonder, thinking about her kiss with Paige and how the girl suddenly “knew” that she’d stay in Rosewood. On her way over to The Brew, after sending Paige a meet-up text, Emily gritted her teeth and her knuckles turned a faint shade of white while holding the steering wheel tightly, sick of being pulled back and forth. When she arrived, however, her anger subsided and was replaced by plain exhaustion and the desire to give up, simply plopping herself onto a chair and waiting.

“Well?” only seconds pass after her former accusation, but Emily loses patience quickly. “Paige, I am tired of secrets.”

“Did Alison tell you about me finding out?” is the question that follows, getting a wide-eyed look from Emily.

“It doesn’t matter who told me. What matters is that you didn’t, and that you conveniently changed your mind about staying after you found out,” Emily clenches her jaw.

“Alison’s pregnancy doesn’t change how I feel about you,” Paige shakes her head.

“But it changed your mind about leaving,” she offers her a tight-lipped, pained smile. “I couldn’t convince you stay, but Alison being vulnerable could. Alison having issues that you figured would drive me away kept you here.”

“Emily, that’s insane,” again, she shakes her head, but this time harder.

“No matter what, I can’t do this,” a tear falls from Emily’s eye, biting her lower lip. “I’ve been letting myself force my life into becoming some fairy-tale while ignoring what’s going on around me. I’ve been lying, Paige. Lying to you, lying to myself.”

“You don’t have to do this,” Paige whispers. “It’s different now. We can make things work.”

“No,” Emily gives her a sad smile, “we can’t.”

“Why? Because of Alison?”

“This… us… we’ve had our chance. God, Paige, we’ve had so many chances and it just doesn’t work. I don’t think it ever will.”

“Em━”

“I’m sorry,” she gets up, grabs her bag, and looks at Paige once more before sealing her lips and walking away as fast as she can, exiting The Brew and never glancing backwards while sliding into her car.

At first, she drives away without having a destination, hoping to clear her mind while staying on the streets for most of the night. She knows it’s not realistic, however, so she takes a deep breath and, soon, decides on heading to The Radley so she can think ━ or so she tells herself.