Literally beating back my brain with a stick. Why are you LIKE THIS. We resolved - or at least came to an uneasy tentative truce with - the absolute dogshit self esteem issues eons ago. Why are were BACK here fighting the having zero concept of personhood or self worth problems. Even /if/ my brain is right and I'm garbage bad non-person whos a burden and just manipulating ppl into caring abt me. Like even IF that's true. I can't self sacrifice and do Good when I'm obsessively navel gazing. Even if the fundamental belief at the core of my being is that I'm worthless, I gotta stop ACTIVELY thinking abt it BC I need to be DOING things and dragging myself thru hot coals for others, not just obsessing about how bad I am that I can't even do that. If I can't even do that what am I good for? What's the purpose of me at all?

AHHHHHHHHH