sometimes

HAPPY 1-YEAR OF DRAWING ANNIVERSARY TO ME!

(Warning: slightly longer post incoming cause sometimes I gotta be a sentimental bitch ok? So let's go on a little trip down memory lane.)

This day, a year ago, I made my very first fanart. It was dnf (if that surprises you, then welcome to being on my blog for the very first time). I drew a little frog face too so I could use it as a watermark (fun fact: I still use that very same first one).

I immediately put my drawing up on twt because I told myself that I wasn't gonna be afraid of having people see that I was at the very beginning of this journey and had no clue what I was doing. That instead of being bad at art, I was gonna be awesome at being a beginner who doesn't know shit.

I started with little doodles and silly comics and then I laughed way too long when the first drawing of mine that gained some attention was a dnf butt joke. At the time I was trying to balance shipping and non-shipping art so I didn't even draw dnf that much but in hindsight it's probably the only possible way this could have gone.

At the very end of August I woke up to @honelle56 caps-locking at me in my messages - I was very confused and tired (I am no morning person and I will never be, fuck off with your mornings) because Dranart liked my drawing of singing Dream. Dranart was my 17th follower on twt which is a useless yet extremely funny fact about my time on that hellsite.

I also drew human!patches because a) patches was and will always be my favorite dteam member and b) it was a really cute trend and while I do love drawing dream, george and sapnap, I was also quite happy to try drawing anything but a white man for once. And I really liked how the drawing turned out.

Much, much later, I tried to draw my first slightly more realistic looking drawing. I was extremely confused on how to draw anything like this. Especially their hair gave me tons of trouble but given my experience, I think it's not a bad attempt.

When hijacked smp started I obviously wanted to participate, and I drew c!blu who doesn't associate with any side in particular but instead serves soup to everyone who visits her tavern 'The Soup House'. She also wants to be paid in stories from all around the map.

One of the events I was most excited about was dnf week. I even collaborated with two talented writers and I drew the corresponding art for two fics.

(Fun or not so fun fact: when twt had like three hundred collaborative aneurysms about the situation at that moment, that was when I created this tumblr account. I didn't use it super actively (I guess I needed another situation to fully make the switch) but I at least started the account that now developed quite a bit since then.)

I didn't really draw at all through January and February and I actually kinda thought I would move on from that hobby and fandom (not because of negative feelings, just because I didn't really have the urge to create anything within this fandom) and then situations happened and now I am here; and for some reason that is beyond any logic and my understanding I am now even more insane about dteam.

Wild to me but we are rolling with it now, I guess.

Since I got here, I drew more than ever (I actually think I might have made more drawings in the month since I got here than I made the whole rest of the year). There's just such an active and funny community here that cares about fan works for the sake of creating and not just because a CC might see it.

Unfortunately, Tumblr won't let me add more than 10 images in one post (maybe fortunately for everyone who has this monstrosity of a post on their dash). So if you want to see all the progress I made since I got here, you can look at everything in my art tag. For now, I will close this post with one of the art works from the past month that I like the most:

Can't wait to see what the next year might bring :)

Love, blu

As a Villain Stan Chapter 266 broke me, did you think Hawks was capable of doing something like this? I've always seen him as little more... chill and relaxed? i guess? i didn't think he'd actually go for the kill, especially as we havent seen heroes do that before in the series (I mean look at AFO, he is the worst of the worst and they just locked him up). I think this is a big turn in the series if we're actually going to have each side kill each other

Oh, I like this ask! Okie, here’s my scattered thoughts organized a bit, hope you can make sense of them :) For those who’re up to reading this (if it wasn’t obvious by the ask) this will contain spoilers for ch266. I know it’s out officially already but some may not have read it/be caught up to it. Also, in case I dive in to some not so savory topics, do practice discretion. You’ve been forewarned!

Okay, so I’ve separated this answer into 3 parts for you so it’s easier to digest and read :) Pardon the grammar and stuff! Also I realized how freaking long it got after writing so I’m gonna just leave it under ‘read more’.

1. Hawks’ killing someone. 

Short answer: yes. It’s always been in the back of my mind that Hawks is capable of such a thing. Setting headcanons aside as much as I’m able to, if we look into his background, the guy was basically indoctrinated into the whole ‘hero’ business. Though a vague comparison and quite a stretch, it kind of reminded me of child soldiers and how’re their trained from a young age for the one purpose. A single difference I see is that Hawks is capable of individual thought. That is to say, he isn’t totally lost his sense of self because of his upbringing as the commission’s trained ‘hero’. But the way I’ve seen it through canon, that same sense of self was greatly shaped by the way he was saved. 

Take for example how he says he wants a world where hero’s have more free time than they know what to with thing. The way I’ve seen it, is that it’s a singular idea coming from his experiences, shaped by the life he’s led but in itself shaped by what they’ve made him out to be. If he were a normal hero (i.e. had wanted to become one by his own volition and gone through the whole ordeal like any other kid like the kids from UA or Shiketsu), sure he’d want peace but I highly doubt it’d be so the world and people could rest easy. The way I see it (and this is with the knowledge that we truly don’t know what his own intentions are), if villains are gone and heroes have more free time, it’d allow him freedom that he’s never experienced since the time he got picked up by the Public Hero Comm. 

I’ll stop at this example since I’m starting to dig into my own headcanon, but this is what I’ve got so far. I’m not one to overanalyze but given what little we know about his past and upbringing and coupled with the way he was ‘raised’ to be a hero, I was prepared for him to do what he believes has to be for the sake of what mission he’s given. His whole purpose in life has been to be a hero, and what does a hero do? They assure the safety of the populace regardless of the cost. Be that cost come from them or the minority that will be hurt by what they do. 

2. Ideology of Heroes and Villains. 

As for the point that we haven’t seen a hero do that before, I completely agree. We haven’t. But imo that’s the brilliance of this chapter and overall the build-up we’ve seen to this arc. That is taking into account that Twice has indeed been killed by Hawks (cuz there’s a small part of me that thinks maybe, just maybe he’s still alive. I really like the fellow TwT).

The idea we have of a hero (especially someone like Hawks who, as you said, has’t given off that ‘image’) is a makeshift idea that we’ve had ingrained into us. It’s funny how innately we are aware of the definition of heroes and villains without bothering to think where or how that idea itself formed in our heads. Heroes do the right thing, they are good, and that, by proxy, means not killing. Villains are, by lack of a better word, the bad guys. They hurt others, they’re selfish, and by extension, they’re capable of killing. It’s what the media and other mediums of entertainment have taught us with their archetypes. 

But it’s something that, through this chapter and arc, has been cracked in the minds of some and completely broken in the minds of others. Idk if you’re aware (and if i’ve heard things right) about how some Hawks stans are starting to drop him after this chapter and after what he did to Twice. Frankly, I couldn’t care less about those people, but they’re reaction is something that interested me quite a bit. More so the way, they could make such a split second decision with the one action. This is why I’m freaking loving this arc. After ‘my villain academia’ arc, Hori has given us a reason to care about these characters. About Toga, about Twice, about Compress, about Spinner, about Dabi, and especially about Shigaraki. But let’s cut the middle man out and go straight into the one that got this whole ball rolling: Twice. I’ve been in love with the League ever since the Overhaul arc, because since then is when I saw how this little group of misfits was starting to become a wholesome family unit. You saw a little of that in the Kamino arc but imo it started way back in the Overhaul arc. Since then we’ve been implanted with little reasons to like these characters and empathize with them and it was all in preparation for the a grand, bombastic punch in the gut that was the Meta Liberation Army arc. Imo, this chapter may have looked like the turning point, and it may have certainly been, but the damn match that started it all was that arc. It gave readers a reason to care about ‘the others’ and instead of villains, we now have this idea of people ostracized by a society that didn’t give them the opportunity to be themselves. That arc dealt with the cemented idea of ‘villains’.

This chapter dealt the blow to the other side of this coin. Hawks killing Twice, a person we’ve seen to be the product of the very world and society the heroes upheld, was the last drop to shatter the idea of them being all good. We’ve seen/heard of villains killing heroes, but, as you said, we haven’t been privy of the idea of heroes killing villains in this story. And even if we had, that’s not what made this the huge deal that it became. It’s not because it happened that the community is shocked, but because it happened to a character we love. That we became attached to. That we came to know. 

Think of it this way. It’s the same reason why it pained us when Nighteye died. We knew Nighteye’s motivations, his hopes, his dreams for the future. And though we knew a little bit of Overhaul, we had been most exposed to Nighteye’s pov. This time, that got turned around on us. Yes, we love Hawks (I stan the damn birb brain) but we don’t really know him. We know the hero, we don’t know the person. Twice, on the other hand, we’ve known the villain. We’ve knew him as Twice when he first got introduced and then got to know him as Bubaigawara Jin. We got to know the person, not just the villain. And it was a shock to see that person die by the hands of what amounts to a completely stranger. 

Sorry I’ve gone overboard but I just freaking love this arc for the gut punch it’s serving. It’s quite a simple story writing technique if you strip it down to its bare bones. You give the character importance and it gives weight to their existence. And once you’ve got that weight added, it’s easy to toy around with it. It can make us cheer for them, hate them, empathize with them, and, as is in this case, pain us when they’re gone. 

3. Turning point

Like I said before, I agree this is a turning point, not so much for the story but for the stakes involved. We care about both sides, we’ve become attached. So in the end, no matter if more are to die and more to the point, who kills who if it comes down to it, we are gonna get the damn feels of a lifetime. I don’t doubt there’s gonna be losses from both sides. Losses we are gonna mourn like hell. And, if I’m being completely honest though I hope against hope that I’m wrong, I am preparing myself mentally to see Hawks die or be physically handicapped after this arc. If he isn’t, holy crap will that have been the most tense arc of the story for me. If he does, well, I think we’ll be as saddened by it too.

Well that’s as much as I’ve got. Hope it answered your question is a little bit :D I don’t usually write meta-commentary but it was fun to do this :3

mmm I locked my twt last night to say most of this but I feel better about saying it here now, though it’s prob still a bit disorganised OTL

you probably wouldn’t anyway but please don t rb~ and ok this is literally a novel so you could prob see it that the twt version was..a draft lmao 

sometimes I really hate not having a more personal space to unload for fear of being called out (which I couldn’t deal with) and/or being misunderstood. or just the basic fear that people who once thought I was nice would turn on me, if I vented for one reason and it looked like another. since I lost a lot of confidence in myself I take it harder than I should if people unfollow after I’ve said something. fandom really really matters to me, it’s basically why I’m still around and the only Thing I really have. the environment has changed to be so unforgiving, quick to judge and morally absolute, it’s so overwhelming and scary at times to go against a polarised view. I can’t just tag Everything with ‘I’m mentally ill and probably not upset about what you think’, and I don’t like worrying about if I need to add some disclaimer or will need to list my whole history of nd issues and trauma every time I just wanna complain about something from a perspective different to the one currently in favour half the reason I got so exhausted over the past few days was just from constantly unpacking and dealing with my own feelings every time the issue came up, to the point that it didn’t even matter what was being said, just the subject started me off again. which of course isn’t rational behaviour, but, that’s what happens on garbage brain days. what started as two small issues I was frustrated about flared up into me eventually making myself sick obsessing over everything. I wanted to vent my own feelings on it, and I wanted to say something for all my quiet buddies out there who may feel the same and weren’t seeing anything reassuring, but instead I just got more and more worked up about it

(I’m saying this in general, not about any specific issue) I know so many nd people who are so great, but they silence themselves out of fear of how they’ll be perceived. it sucks but I do it too. it sucks that it’s hard to even be reassuring to each other out of fear of having to try and justify why you feel the illogical thing and why you’re offering comfort instead of reform. (and then it’s silly, because we’re all out here thinking we’re the only ones orz). it’s why ‘any nice/good person has this opinion’ movements generally stress me out. some are obviously unarguable true, yes. but sometimes people have complicated reasons, and they’re usually people who are already isolated and quiet/scared/guilty, just dealing with their own feelings or finding comfort in things. but because we’re predominantly an anxious, quiet bunch it’s never really allowed for or discussed fandom environment has changed, but back when it was more closed off it was full of people with issues and trauma and garbage brains who were seeking out some comfort. it still is, but in all of the easy access and the aggression and fighting, whatever the subject, no one ever thinks about that. people seem to assume everyone is just a gross bad person. people have issues that they don’t want to deal with or unpack publicly and fear makes them hide away and doubt their comforts. (this is a smaller example, but it surprised me how many people asked why I have issues with alcohol. I feel like there’s some pretty obvious reasons you could take a guess at? if you can’t even take a good guess at why someone may have an issue, that’s..kind of how we’ve ended up with such an extreme call out culture and so many people having to use their personal trauma to defend themselves). 

I’ve been in fandoms similar to this one for fifteen years. I’ve gone from being the confused anxious guilty teenager to finally finding words and explanations for the things I felt, and becoming someone who can help other people lost and trying to figure this stuff out. in the years I’ve had this account, that’s ended up being what I’ve /wanted/ to do. as well as enjoying the boys and the content itself, I’ve always been in fandoms for comfort and for a safe, happy space. I know from personal experience, friends, and all of the amazing people I’ve spoken to on here over years, that there are so many people out there who are constantly feeling like the only person who feels the way they do, or are worried they’re doing something wrong, or feel guilty/upset/worried about something they find comfort in. so many of you have reached out to me when I’ve felt brave enough to talk about things, letting me know you feel similarly even on issues I thought were probably only my own. due to limitations I have bc of my mental health I’m never going to be able to be active in my own local communities, so if the only way I can reach out to and help queer and nd kids is through fic and soft meta and trying to keep a quiet little safe spot then it matters so much to me. there are so many of you who’ve been too afraid to talk, or even have anons published, or really break my heart by having to /ask/ me if it’s alright for you to feel a certain way or find comfort in certain thing. I’m old and crusty and have enough time and knowledge to want to be able to help with these things and I wish I was braver, and that I could be more outspoken about things or let people know that they’re not being fair, or just feel comfortable talking in hope of someone who needs to see it seeing it. idk where I’m going with this now;; I just, really enjoy meeting new people and making friends through fandom, but in the end fandom has changed and it’s changed why I’m here. it just used to be purely for fun and creating content, but in the end I’m here to hype taozi and try to make people like me who may have found me feel a lil better about things, and I just hate that despite having words and little communities for things now it’s still rough and hard to deal with for a lot of us, and that despite so much love and support I still struggle a lot with thinking sharing things is helpful rather than annoying and feeling worthy of trying to do anything;;