#i havent felt this intensely abt a game in awhile | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

soldier-poet-king · 4 months

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I'm experiencing existential shrimp emotions and yet still expected to play nice and go to work and it's just. Man. Man. I wanna sit around and think and feel until I reach some sort of tenable equilibrium. Not just crush the intensity under my heel into apathy, or at least the false facade of apathy. I care too deeply! Let me care about every little thing intensely and consumptively! I don't WANT to not be like this.

#work is good work can be good work is a worthy task #this isnt anti work #this is just anti work right now while im Experiencing Things #anyway sleep did NOT remedy yesterdays emotional time from finishing my durge run in bg3 #just. i cant think about it without going wild again #all new emotions unlocked #i cannot stop thinking abt astarion and durge and shared monstrosity and autonomy and freedom #and choosing to grow and be better and how awful and scary and terrible it is #when there is nothing left. you have nothing of yourself left #and you sitll have to go on and choose what you want to be #and that's so terrifying and so good #im kinda. like. the most insanely jealous ive ever been in my life #u know the sea longing? the soul deep ache for smthn you know you wont ever have?#because it's not for people like you. or that the acquisition would destroy you? or smthn else #but it's just. yeah. yeah. i am experiencing things #partially just maybe that dopamine crash. y'know the post concert blues #except not a concert. just a really good game. a really good story #i havent felt this intensely abt a game in awhile #or not for this long. it didn't linger to this extent.#alas. work to do.chores to do.etc etc etc #im so ready for vacation next week. im tired.#like on the one hand i need long term direction. i need a goal. a purpose. a duty #yes i risk the perception of the self as a non person and simply a tool with a use #but i already see myself as a thing with no value but use. at least with direction id have a purpose #on the other hand. i fear it. because i dont want to lose the intensity. i dont want to #i dont want to be even keeled and calm. i dont want to give up my anxiety and sadness if it means also losing the highs of joy and elation #is the dramatic swing of moods healthy? perhaps not. but how else am i to experience the breadth and depth of human emotion. of the soul?#i understand the poets. the romantics. i lack their skill. but i understand the heart of it.#the most important thing there is. maybe.

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