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cardassiangf · 4 years

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okay actually let me just do the top three placements for the ds9 crew, okay? okay here we go! these are just for fun & also my interpretation. also i realize some arent human and therefore would have different placements entirely, but you know what? idc. (and no ezri since i havent seen enough of her to make a good guess sfdgfhjh sorry!)

julian i already said was a cancer sun virgo moon. workaholics who are kinda anxious but also full of love and affection, plus they also love to talk. for rising im kind of caught between aries and sagittarius, because they both in nicely with the top two. i am leaning more towards aries rising though for him. moves very fast to keep interest in things & is career minded. it’s kind of a combination that swings back and forth between this unflappable confidence (usually in the workplace) and a deep emotional vulnerability. also, they’re caregivers by nature. his childhood teddy bear was his ‘first patient,’ and that has to mean something. he also repeatedly shows himself to be drawn to people that might be in need of ‘fixing,’ and might not necessarily pull back until something shakes him out of it. julian is someone who buzzes with energy and feels so much at once it can be hard to reign in, but once he actually manages to do that, it’s almost unstoppable.

for sisko im feeling gemini sun and scorpio moon. okay yes two signs with a bad rep for some reason but hear me out: this person is extremely charming, confident & elegant except when they're Not, there's intense confidence and resolve that comes through. and on that intensity, we’ve all seen sisko when he gets serious about something--it’s a Lot. it’s a combo that can also be thrown off kilter and that’s not a great thing, but sisko has an excellent support system to ground him so you don’t see the negativity. he’s also a pisces rising. the same intensity comes out in love and emotional intelligence with him here, he’s definitely someone in touch with that side of himself and that’s very Water Sign of him. so basically loving, protective, the type of person people get drawn too for one reason or another but also there’s a chaotic side to him too, and he’s got a flair for the dramatic (his escapades in the mirrorverse come to mind when i think about this.)

jadzia... okay see my initial reaction is to just. fill her chart with fire. she’s a big personality on the surface, and extremely magnetic. but actually? leo sun pisces moon. okay yeah, a fire sign out from the gate but hear me out. there’s a lot of duality in jadzia, and while she outwardly shows a ton of confidence, she’s also pretty self reflective and i get the sense she much prefers to deal with her problems internally. like, people don’t really see much past her dazzling outside either, and as another leo sun, people do tend to write us off as a bit one dimensional at times. the known emotional sensitivity of the pisces mized with leo’s capacity to love is good for her i think. rising is a bit tricky, since jadzia also has dax to blend her personality with, but i think that virgo rising suits her well. for all of the fun she brings to the table, she also has a brilliant streak of practicality.

kira is another instinctively ‘oh, fire sign!’ person but actually? i think she has a ton of water in her chart. she’s emotional and passionate and so devoted to the things and people she believes in, and maybe she isn’t used to paying attention to her emotions because the occupation didn’t let her, but she feels so deeply. for this reason, pisces sun sagittarius moon scorpio rising. the thing about kira is that she might hold a lot of anger, but most of it stems from love and protectiveness. she’s incredibly blunt and adaptable, and definitely one of those pisces who doesn’t actually want to admit they have anything in common with the other water signs lmao. she’s at her best when she’s around people who can ground her and kind of make her pause to evaluate things before jumping into action and seriously values the bonds she makes with people. she also doesn’t really care for staying still or playing political mind games and would much prefer to just jump into the Doing phase of things.

quark is just. it took me a minute for him actually? idk he’s a bit of a weird one. for quark, he’s kind of dramatic and emotional but also has this wonderfully deviant side and, when it comes down to it, isn’t terrible at business negotiations at all. yes he has majorly fucked up some big opportunities, but also somehow has kept his bar running for what, 15? 20 years? through everything that’s happened on ds9. quark is a capricorn sun, but it’s balanced out (or in conflict with) his aquarius moon and leo rising. quark is weird, and kind of a dick sometimes, but when he’s not trying to be a menace, he actually has a pretty good heart. he’s a pretty creative thinker and constantly finds new ways to use practical knowledge to his advantage. but he also likes to ‘outshine’ others and keep the spotlight on himself, and he’ll lie and trample over people to do so. the fact that this combo makes him attentive can be a bit of a double-edged sword; sure, he can listen to people when he feels like it, but what’s going to happen with that knowledge? who knows. not quark until he finds an opportunity for it at least.

odo! does not technically have a birthday but who cares i love him so he’s here. yes, we will start obviously: virgo sun. what else would i go with. he’s a reserved person with a personality that errs on the side of uptight; very virgo stereotypical. but you know what else? aries moon. oh yes. odo walks into a room and as long as he wants you to know he’s there, you Will know. he’s bold in his own way, and extremely on top of details with intense attentiveness. of course there’s some fire in his chart, and probably a lot of it in other placements too. his gemini rising helps this out immensely, which is kinda surprising. but also when gemini is ascendant with virgo in sun, it makes them meticulous, fast learners. maybe a bit nitpicky at times, but nothing that can’t be helped with practice. i think the aries placement would also probably explain the underlying sensitivity, because like, it’s generally one of the louder signs of the zodiac but here’s a secret from anther fire sign: we are So sensitive oh my fucking god. we have a ton of ego and pride (and you can’t tell me odo doesn’t have moments of that) so typically unless we’re in a place we feel we can let go, you won’t see it, but jesus Fucking christ fire signs have a lot of emotion under the surface.

miles, who i just wanna lowkey take the piss out of and slap him with virgo/virgo/virgo but i will refrain lmao. no, for him, libra sun leo moon virgo rising. he’s extremely reliable, devoted to his work & friends & family even if he’s not the greatest at showing it? a bit emotionally constipated but he does try very hard and that’s why we love him. is it the placements or the fact that he’s an irish dad? who knows, but he’s very prone to just telling people things outright with nothing to cushion it. this can be good or bad, and seems to depend more on how well the other person knows him. his leo side makes him pretty warm when he’s comfortable, and i think his relationship with keiko actually paints him as a lowkey traditional romantic too. also, these placements make for really good parents, and we don’t see it as much as we see the jake/sisko father/son dynamic, but miles really does do his best for his kids.

worf my boy, who i have loved dearly since i first saw tng. hard to make a guess for him im 100% happy with though. im decently satisfied with taurus sun leo moon scorpio rising. worf is just like. he doesn’t have a really big personality but you also are very aware of him? i wouldn’t say he’s stoic by any means, he’s just very. focused. he’s honest and tries his best to look at situations from a more lawful standpoint, or at least, one that makes the most sense with his own honour code. he seems drawn to stability, but also finds himself drawn to people who challenge him too? he’s out here looking for something to balance him out and put things in perspective for him. whether or not he takes that into consideration is another thing entirely. and i say scorpio because, you know what they say, still water runs deep. you might know what he’s thinking because he told you, but you might not know how he Feels about it. actually, you probably will not. the leo doesn’t really make him want to be in the spotlight or anything, in his case i think it acts more like his driving force.

and listen. i know garak isn't crew. but i love him so he’s here and we’re all gonna like it. this chaotic little bastard spy is an aquarius sun pisces moon capricorn rising. garak is unique, and even if he doesn’t want to say it, he’s pretty ruled by his emotions too. he’s creative, and a grade-A manipulator who can charm his way just about anywhere (provided of course, the person in question isn’t someone who’s been warned about him, but even then, he has a good chance). he’s good a good, if not a bit Off, sense of humour and he comes off as someone who has a personal interest in the behaviour of people. not just a spy thing, but he’s invested--he does crave a certain intimacy and closeness which gets denied uh. most of his life actually. the capricorn read comes from how he’s been able to compartmentalize and commit acts of cruelty. an interrogation that was four hours of staring and not speaking is certainly creative. it’s also an insanely calculated and sadistic mind game for him. and it’s interesting to note that as much as he manipulates, he’s also very easily manipulated himself (see: Everything about tain jesus fuck i hate that man so much). he also runs into quite a bit of trouble when he’s not able to compartmentalize things any longer, whether it’s because the emotional toll is too high or he simply doesn’t see the point in the actions any longer.

#ds9 #star trek #star trek deep space 9 #long post #WHEW

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acidwaste · 6 years

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hey so it seems i’ve forgot to do a l o t of tag memes, and i’m lucky i drafted a big bunch of them! lots of questions overlapped so i did my best to answer in different ways, sorry for the lateness! also @ the people that tagged me here, i wouldn't hesitate to kill for you

@natcaptor / @gayspaced

name: leon or lionel!

nicknames: literally the only nickname I’ve been referred to is “big gay” and like. word!

gender: im pretty sure im a guy, i have been kinda 🤔🤔🤔 abt my gender identity since around november-ish though

star sign: sagittarius!

height: 6’1! i’m told that I’m tall but my uncle is 6’7 so...

time: 3:36pm rn! ive been watching video essays and binging music all afternoon

birthday: december 9th!

favourite bands: animal collective, beach house, camp cope, car seat headrest, death grips, fleet foxes, florence + the machine, gang of youths, glass animals, gorillaz, hop along, iceage, idles, kero kero bonito, mgmt, miike snow, modest mouse, run the jewels, superorganism, the avalanches, the cat empire, the go! team, the mountain goats, the wombats, xiu xiu

favourite solo artists: alex lahey, anderson .paak, ariana grande, billie eilish, bjork, cashmere cat, charli xcx, courtney barnett, cupcakke, d.r.a.m, eric taxxon, frank ocean, gfoty, hatchie, janelle monae, jeff rosenstock, joanna newsom, jorja smith, jpegmafia, kacey musgraves, kali uchis, kendrick lamar, khalid, kimbra, lorde, mac demarco, madeon, mick jenkins, mitski, oneohtrix point never, perfume genius, ravyn lenae, rina sawayama, serpentwithfeet, sophie, st. vincent, sza, vince staples

song stuck in my head: caramelo duro | miguel // kali uchis! its a bop, miguel is one of the few singers that can convincingly make sex jams

last movie i watched: deadpool 2! it was even better than the first, which is a feat in itself ngl

when did i create my blog: december 2016??? i only started using it properly in february last year tho

last thing i googled: “im in my mums car broom broom.” dont @ me

do i have any other blogs: yeah, plenty actually!! i have blogs for aesthetic (@moltenstar), general inspo (@wverns), flight rising (@szarising, kinda inactive?), and overwatch (@blackhardts) tbh the vast majority of my ‘sideblogs’ are just saved urls H

do i get asks: when i say stupid shit like “rung has the ass of a dilf but the dick of a cockroach”

why i chose my url: that one panel where kobd have a vacation at the acid wastes because fuck its finally canon babey!

following: 1,767, which is kinda horrifying!!

followers: 890?? somehow??? thats almost One Whole Thousand and i don't even make content

average hours of sleep: around 6 or 7!! n e v e r more though

lucky number: 43 and 64!!

instruments: i'm too poor to afford music lessons or instruments jsbddsjknfs

what am i wearing: a grey shirt and nothing on my bottom half so my [redacted] is hanging tf out, i should put on some damn clothes

dream job: oooo uhhh, i’m studying to get an education degree rn because i’d love to teach children (around grade 3-4s preferably because i'm too jittery to handle anyone younger and older kids probs won't listen to me as much as i lack plenty of assertiveness), but!! i’d honestly love to be a musician, one of those underground ones that get lots of critical acclaim

dream trip: one day i wanna gather up some friends and just go on a road trip! idm where we go to, as long as we just have fun and just! adventure!

favourite foods: rare steak, mashed potatoes, eggs, and energy shakes made with like. fruit / cheese / yoghurt / oats / chia seeds ! protein is a large part of my diet

nationality: new zealand, but living in australia

favourite song right now: best part | daniel caesar // h.e.r - gosh i need to re-listen to daniel’s album again, i don’t remember this beautiful song being there and that’s a crime

@damndesi / @novarebel / @luciform-philogynist

APPEARANCE - I am 5'7 or taller - I wear glasses - I have at least one tattoo (but I am getting a tā moko in December, I believe) - I have at least one piercing (planning to get a nose ring, like a bull!) - I have blonde hair - I have brown eyes - I have short hair - My abs are at least somewhat defined (b a r e l y) - I have or had braces

PERSONALITY - I love meeting new people - People tell me I am funny - Helping others with their problems is a big priority of mine - I enjoy physical challenges - I enjoy mental challenges - I am playfully rude to people I know - I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it - There is something I would change about my personality

ABILITY - I can sing well - I can play an instrument - I can do over 30 pushups without stopping (barely) - I am a fast runner - I can draw well - I have a good memory - I am good at doing math in my head - I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute - I have beaten at least 2 people arm wrestling - I can make at least 3 recipes from scratch - I know how to throw a proper punch

HOBBIES - I enjoy sports - I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else - I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else - I have learned a new song in the past week - I exercise at least once a week - I have gone for runs at least once a week in warmer months - I have drawn something in the past month - I enjoy writing - Fandoms are my #1 priority - I do some form of Martial arts

EXPERIENCES - I have had my first kiss - I have had alcohol (tastes like shit) - I have scored a winning point in a sport - I have watched an entire TV series in one sitting - I have been at an overnight event - I have been in a taxi - I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year - I have beaten a video game in one day - I have visited another country - I have been to one of my favorite bands concerts

MY LIFE - I have one person that I consider to be my Best Friend - I live relatively close to my school/work - My parents are still together - I have at least one sibling - I live in the United States - There is snow where I live right now - I have hung out with a friend in the past month - I have a smart phone - I own at least 15 CDs - I share my room with someone

RELATIONSHIPS - I am in a Relationship - I have a crush on a celebrity - I have a crush on someone I know - I’ve been in at least 3 relationships - I have never been in a Relationship - I have admitted my feelings to a crush - I get crushes easily - I have had a crush for over a year - I have been in a relationship for over a year - I have had feelings for a friend

RANDOM - I have break-danced - I know a person named Jamie - I have had a teacher that has a name that is hard to pronounce - I have dyed my hair - I’m listening to a song on repeat right now - I have punched someone in the past week - I know someone who has gone to jail - I have broken a bone (do fractures count?) - I have eaten a waffle today - I know what I want to do in life - I speak at least two languages (not fluently) - I have made a new friend in the past year

@smstransformers

age: 16

birthplace: auckland, nz

current time: 4:19 pm rn!!!

drink you last had: i just skulled half a liter of water whoops

favourite song: jesus etc. | wilco if we're talking abt an all-time favourite

grossest memory: accidentally swallowing a bee when i was seven years old (somehow nothing bad happened?)

horror, yes or no: not unless it’s an incredibly tame horror t b h, my threshold for scariness is very low

in love: i believe so!

jealous of people: lots of times, over really dumb things

love by first sight or should I walk by again: i believe that infatuation can exist at first sight but true love not so much. wish that could happen tho :C

middle name: shane!

siblings: my sister is eight years old, and my brother is seven!

one wish: EZ, make my anxiety disappear, i’d have a much more productive life

song i last sang: jupiter | haiku hands

time i woke up: 7:13, woke up immediately because i usually like to wake at 6:30

underwear colour: blue + purble

vacation destination: auckland / kingston / sydney!

worst habit: not remembering to make my goddamn bed, it looks like garbage

favourite food: mashed potatoes….

zodiac sign: sagittarius !!!

@alyonian

relationship status:

at the moment i’m single! and while being in a relationship sounds brilliant, the last two relationships i was involved in? didn’t work out to say the least, lucky i’m still young

favourite colour:

it’s been emerald green for the longest time but orange seems to be dethroning it at a steady pace

lipstick or chapstick:

i haven’t used chapstick since i was six but i probably should use it again, water is my substitute rn fdghdgh - and i haven’t ever used lipstick in any capacity? so i’d have to go with the former

last song i listened to:

the space traveller’s lullaby | kamasi washington - i’m trying to get through his second album rn (i left off on the second disk yesterday) and while everything he makes is undeniably amazing, it’s? a three hour album? i don’t have the attention span for his spiritual jazz, as great as it is

last movie:

monsters inc is playing on the television right now, i’ll go with that! the animation aged kinda badly but it’s still such a fun movie! sidenote: james p. sullivan? a childhood crush, so this gives me memories

top 3 tv shows/podcasts/comics:

i rarely, if ever, venture into these forms of media but! if i had to answer, i’d say;

unbreakable kimmy schmidt / parks & recreation / luke cage

taz / mbmbam (i havent like. watched a full episode of either but they seem cool,)

tf idw / …………. yeah that’s it, i’ve never read anything else. probably should!

additional favs:

my friends, writing (in theory), listening to video essays, learning music theory + instruments and understanding audio production software

top 3 bands / artists:

HHH okay if i had to limit my choices to just three artists, uh. lorde, the mountain goats, and sophie. i couldnt even fit janelle in i hate th is

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@alyonian

color(s): light colors are always nice and pleasant, though anything peachy and sandy are the best! orange (specially pastel orange) is like. the best thing

last band t-shirt i bought: usually merchandising is very expensive and i dont have the money to accommodate that, but like. i do recall having a wiggles shirt when i was five. i wore it all the time, shjdjgsksd im sure that counts

last band i saw live: i almost went to splendor in the grass last year with family, which wasn't only cool since i’ve never been out of the state since i immigrated - the festival was in queensland, which is around a two hour flight from victoria - but the lineup was pretty fuckin lit too! the xx, haim, peking duk, tash sultana, future islands, vallis alps, a.b original,, i was p excited! unfortunately my uncle fell ill and so they had to give the tickets to extended family :( otherwise, i haven't been to a single concert in my life

last song i listened to: street fighter mas | kamasi washington - up to this song on the album and i really fuckin dig this! also the video is hypnotizing

last movie i watched: monsters inc is about to finish and up next is monsters university! which like…. honestly, this is an extremely unpopular opinion but, i like it just as much as the original? my opinion might be skewed because i’m a monster [hugger], but i like everything abt the movie! except for the finale of the scare games and the last five minutes of the movie, both were just. dreadful.

last three tv shows i watched: if aggretsuko counts that’s the last series i watched of my own volition, which is a miracle in itself considering that’s legit only the second anime i’ve watched to completion (the first being shirokuma cafe, which i probably need to re-watch). otherwise, the last two shows i had beared witness to were thirteen reasons why and queer eye bc my cousin put them on! that first show i could completely do without but queer eye is iconique

last 3 characters i identified with: grimlock (legit. all of them), urdnot grunt (mass effect) and vector the crocodile (sth), i’m not sure what this says about me other than Big

book(s) i’m currently reading: i’m reading ‘maus’ by art spiegelman at the moment, for the third time i believe? i believe my classmates are supposed to be writing an essay on this next term and shit, this novel is heartbreaking, i haven't been this emotional when reading a book than… ever, really. it’s a recommendation of the highest caliber

@victorion

name: leon / lionel, i picked up the second name because i was in a server with an admin that was also a Leon™

nickname: besides ‘Big Gay’ i also have the nickname ‘lemon lion’ which is! nice!!

zodiac sign: archer man

height: Tall™

language(s) spoken: english / some maori + italian

fav fruit: watermelons (only when in season)

fav scent: the smell of a freezer tbh? it just smells Nice i don’t know how to properly explain it

fav season: spring! the breezes are welcoming without being overbearingly freezing

fav color: ornge,,,,

fav animal: SHARKS + CROCS + FERRETS

coffee, tea or hot chocolate: tea! with some milk tho

average hrs of sleep: too little

fav fictional character: One character?????? uhhhhhhh……. like. biggest cc right now is either idw skids or oz from monster prom

no. of blankets you sleep with: depending on my mood but i’d say the average is like, 3??

fav songs: i quickly whipped up some songs i listen to

fav artists: i came to the realization that i like acts that are considered ‘bad’ like maroon 5/drake/lil yachty etc in specific doses… i wouldn't call them good yet, but! i have no beef and thats good

fav books: remember ‘where the wild things are’??? that shit was like. literal childhood, man.. :happytears: i really need to look for a copy again

@thonany-klieme

name: leon / lionel, interchangeable really

gender: male, im probs an nb guy

star sign: sagittarius!

height: 6’1

sexuality: gay??? im not sure, im mostly attracted to other guys but i have had very brief crushes on girls + nb people? sexuality’s confusing so im gonna just latch to the gaybel (gay label) for now

lock screen image: its the album cover of 1992 deluxe by princess nokia, tho it was “T Hanos” a few days ago since i change it often - my home screen is venom but his torso says ‘fuck machine’

ever had a crush on a teacher: no??

where do you see yourself in ten years: ideally i’m teaching kids math n english, realistically i’m probably going down with the political climate

if you could go anywhere, where would you go: new zealand!! or the netherlands

what was your favorite halloween costume: halloween is not big at all where i live, the only time i tried trick or treating was when i was like 7?? i threw a bedsheet on myself and pretended to be a ghost, though since there were no eyeholes + the sheet was blue, it looked more like i was just a moving lump

last kiss: never had one

have you ever been to las vegas: nah and i dont plan to?? how do you handle regular days of 40C wtf

favorite pair of shoes: i have this pair of jandals that ive worn for a fair bit longer than my other pair of shoes, tho i only wear them in summer + very warm nights

favorite book: ngl its. ‘the very hungry caterpillar’ by eric carle. i just, love it alot and i cant explain w h y

#acid.txt #this took a while but :wahoo:

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franeridart · 7 years

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what are your thoughts about bakugou and midoriya's relationship? platonic, i mean

I live and die for it, every part of the manga in which that relationship is shown progressing is between my favorite parts of the manga and I’ve reread them a hundred times and cried over them way more than necessary - the battle trial one? yes, the end of terms exam? absolutely yes holy shit, the post-license exam fight? god yes fuck me that’s my absolute fav, the rescue arc? shit yes between all the reasons why that arc’s my fave the change in the deku/baku relationship is definitely a worthy of note one

It’s an interesting relationship, a painful one that’s making both of them grow so so so much, a rivalry they both need to better each other and keep each other straight on the path to become two great, all-around heroes - I’m not sure they’ll ever end up having the type of relationship Izuku has with Todoroki or Bakugou with Kirishima, I don’t think it’s possible for them to be friends like that, they’re just too different to properly fit like that and to avoid stepping on each other’s toes every single day of their lives they’d have to change their core personalities too much, but they did end up being able to coexist (Bakugou’s even giving Deku tips!!!) and I do think they’ll be able to cooperate and support each other in the end. If one day they’ll be able to make fun of each other in a friendly manner and egg each other on and be honest with each other without it escalating into a full blown fight I’d truly be happy, that’s probably my main dream for this whole manga. For them to have a healthy rivalry, one in which they can maybe even laugh together. I think it might happen, I’m waiting for it to happen

Anon said:Hi Fran! I'm obsessed with your BakuShimaNari work. Here's a cute thought to hopefully cheer you up a bit while you're unable to draw: they're all in their early 20s and Denki likes to poke/smooth out the little crease between Bakugo's eyebrows and tease him about getting wrinkles early from all the scowling he does. Bakugo flicks him in the nose and says he's starting to get crows feet from always grinning like an idiot.

Oh my god. Oh my g o d this is the sweetest thing I’ve ever read. Oh my g OD I’m just imagining them doing that and Kiri in the background watching them like they’re most precious thing in the world I’m dying rip me this just made my whole life thank you so much anon *sob*

Anon said:You are wonderful. That BakuKiriKami art just made me cry again after this chapter but I so needed it. I hope your hand heals up quickly!

I hope so too!!!! And thank you so much, I’m glad you liked it!!! ;A; tho I’m sorry for having made you cry rip

Anon said:Maybe Kirishima's hair is like haru from fruits basket, it changes colour when it reaches a certain length, and he decided to either dye the roots to match the long part or the long part to match the roots.

I’m effin laughing my ass off imagining the “you’ll never convince me that hair is natural” scene but with Iida I’m crying

But seriously if his hair did something fancy like that I don’t think the current Kirishima would try to hide it? Hair that naturally grows like that is flashy!

Anon said:KiriBaku, KamiJirou, AshidoSero, u feel me? I personally ship TodoMomo and IzuOcha as well but u know each to their own

tbh I ship all the ships mentioned in this ask to at least a certain degree, so yeah, I definitely feel you haha

Anon said:Fran can i ask why you ship BokuTeruKuroo ? like i understand why you ship BoKuroo, they are friend and so funny and cute with each other but do they have interaction with Terushima ? because i watch the anime and only start reading the manga and there's no interaction between them in it

What a question lmao no, no they never interact with Teru, it’s a crack ship haha I don’t really have a reason to ship it tbh, I just think Teru’s personality would fit nicely with Bo and Kuroo - Teru’s one of my fave characters in Haikyuu and I like shipping my faves around, but he’s interacted with only his teammates and Karasuno so everything else is just crack... I like a whole bunch of Teru ships tbh, bokuroteru is the one I’ve drawn the most for a bit by accident and a bit because they’re the ones with the most entertaining possible dynamics, to me? They’re a bunch of excited silly kids, that’s fun!

Anon said:I am literally in tears over the last chapter when will Horikoshi step away from my sunshine boy and let him rest? This isn't what I meant when I said I wanted Kirishima to have a bigger role in this arc

;-; boi do I feel this ask

(I still want more of him tho, last time he hadn’t been around for a few weeks I was a complete mess, pls don’t take him away from me again Hori ;A;)

Anon said:Fraannnnn why would you do this I had enough feelings about THIS EXACT SCENARIO and you had to go and make me feel more with your beautiful art How could you

!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m taking this as you’ve liked it!!! Which makes me happy tbh haha though I’m sorry for the more pain, that wasn’t my intention #oops thank you anyway, tho!!

Anon said:i wanted to cry bc of ch 143, kiri was amazing and fat was amazing and and .... but really though ...hori just doesn't wanna give it to us, does he ?

I don’t think I’ll ever have Kirishima’s backstory at this point. I’m giving up. I’ll just make up my own version of it. Kirishima’s had a beautiful past with a lot of happiness a great family with loving parents and both older and younger siblings that love him more than they love air, he’s got three pet turtles and a dog and the only reason why he had his hair dyed black was because he went through a really intense goth phase. That’s it, that’s my version, Hori can keep the sadness for himself

(...not please gimme the actual backstory already I’m dying)

Anon said:U ok after ch143, Fran? 'cause I'm not... 😭

...how can anyone love Kirishima and be okay after 143 tbh ;-;

Anon said:your answers to the ask for what would baku get the others ommmmmmg. fran you are AMAZING!! >///

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m happy you liked those omfg!!!!!!!!!!!!! thank you!!!!

Anon said:I feel so bad abt the new chap bc my boy kiri is gonna hate himself so much abt being '''useless''' even if he wasnt and oh goodness he's going to beat himself up for this forever... i thought hori was gonna give him a sudden 'bout of strength & realization' to beat the enemy, but instead hes getting quite the realistic(which is good but sad) outcome from the fight... hes gonna be so mad with himself while recovering boy pls no u were great ;~;

I really hope something’ll happen and he won’t feel like that, but who knows ;-; on one side it would mean that his character arc still isn’t over, which is a lot more Kiri for me and that’s great, but on the other please don’t make him suffer anymore ;;--;;

Anon said:Though it was kinda 'forced', thank you for drawing mineta. I really liked seeing him in your art style. He's perverted but like Denki he's a good kid as well, too bad most people have him blacklisted. Hopefully that will change in the future. Thanks again ;D

You’re most welcome! As I said once already I don’t really care for Mineta, so including him in stuff when it makes logical sense to isn’t much of a problem for me hah maybe, if I’m lucky, one day he’ll grow as a character and out of the walking trope he is, and that might just mean I’ll start drawing him more by himslef too haha

Anon said:i havent been involved in a fandom for 4 years but now i am and its ur fault with ur gay boys i cant handle all it, fk my life. (ps. love how u draw denki, his hair so floofy, bless u)

!!! Happy you like my take on him!!! :O also I love how you called them “your gay boys” yes, yes they are, my beautiful gay boys hahaha

Anon said:Thanks to you I'm absolutely obsessed with bakushimanari and I can't get out. It's literally???? The cutest friggin thing??? I can't believe I never thought of it before coming across your blog. But now it's my OT3 and!!! Thank you for introducing me to this sweet ship!!! I absolutely adore your art and it inspires/motivates me to make my own fluff filled fanart.

YAY OH MY GODS!!!!!!!!!!!!! more bakushimanari fans I can make happen the more I’m happy, tbh!!!! they’re soft and good and happy I wish there’d be more of them around aaahhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anon said:you color nicely (｀∇´)

sob thank youuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this actually means to me more than you probably thought it would haha rip bless ur soul anon

Anon said: ti adoro bye

GAH non sono certa di meritarmi addirittura un adoro ma!!!!!! grazie ;A;!!!!

#fran answers #still can't draw #the suggestions are piling up in my inbox...#instead im coming up with more aus.........#i can't even draw them yet...........#have some answers meanwhile #leaving this blog inactive this long feels weird haha sob #anonymous

157 notes · View notes

11toe11-blog · 4 years

Text

oNce again on that sTreet

I suppose I am at a point where, i need to sit down and draw this out of me. Clean the well.

Shuba asked me yesterday. Why dont i write. I do. Almost every other day. About something or the other. As observations. Contemplations. Very rarely once in a while meanders into poetry and almost never creative fiction.

I am...afraid of fiction.

There i said it.

I suppose then its corollary goes that I am afriad of reality. Maybe.

But let me start with fiction and try and lean into the obvious and apparent fear of fiction. As i write i notice a weight, a clenching in the middle of my chest. And rolling up to my throat.

But lets persist this one time.

I am making it a point to note the very obvious physical sensations as i write.

So yes, fear of fiction.

Yesterday Rajiv shared a talk between Marina Abramovic and Alejandro I ( I forget the surname but the same guy who made birdman). Talkin about Virtual Reality as the next frontier of creative exploration after film, he mentioned about how the human brain makes no distinction between reality and fiction. Obviously more so in case of VR, but garden variety novels and comic strips and books and stories and theatre and film and all of that fall into that space where the brain makes no distinction between what is my reality lived and expereinced and, even if briefly the story of another. From experience i know, some of us are better than others at extricating ourselves from the story we entered to continue walking in the present, many of us carry the seeds and suggestions of te story, and many many of us remain in the story.

That makes stories very powerful and dangerous.

That makes story tellers very powerful and dangerous.

Layers and layers of stories wrapped around. Layers and layers of memories. Layers and layers of connections. Gateways of infinite possibilities on one had. And very own, home spun energy leeching coccoon on the other.

My brain particularly has had difficulties distinguishing stories and reality. Ive grown up with stories. Like most kids. Like most kids who loved loved listening and reading to stories and were surrounded by generous adults who lavished attention as stories of adventures great and small, stories read or retold or instantly woven.

By the time i started on film, I could watch a movie. And sit then later sit and play the whole thing back and watch it in my mind. My own personal Netflix. I could run it when ever i was alone - in the loo, before i slept, when i woke up, yada.

After my sexual encounter with an older cousin at the age of 8 years, these films began to have distinct sexual content too. I could replace characters. Mix up relationships. Easily enter relams of taboo. So while outwardly i was struggling with the shame and social anxities and adaptation, my inner world and ofcourse my body demanded the thrill of the grind. That heightended feeling when one could rub ones vagina against something. A swollen penis covered by denim, a leg, a thigh, another vagina, pillow.

Well, given a young girl in kerala, i am sure you can imagine the confusion of the middle class family facing their own share of social and emtional hardships. The school that preffers children like a batch of uniformed cupcakes. Encountering this strange child who seemed wild and untamable. Plenty of trashings and socail embarassments and isolations.

Ofcourse not to mention, adventures. And misadventures.

I suppose since my mind could go anywhere, into any restricted area, physical restrictions made no sense. I remember dreaming up a story of the romance between two of my young teachers, both married to different people. Can you beleive the thrashing i got when i started telling these stories and it finally reached my teacher.

Or of imaging the sex lives of the young Brahmin couple with a child and parents living with them. I imagined them waking up after everyone had gone to bed and first the guy would make his way to the bathroom aoutside and then the wife would follow him. And there they would have steamy sex, have a quiet shower together and sneak back into the house.

I was happily making porn even before internet.

Well. I suppose so was the rest of the state, i suppose. The older i grew, i dont think i accepted it because i probably had drawn a veil of self-propriety, most of the people around me too were living out imgained sexual fantasies. That was hard to accept.

Like knowing that my father had affairs of sorts, or walking into him holding the handsof the servant girl in the darkest corner of the house and him suddenly making a scene about her having not done some work and her giggling. Or my mother hinting constantly at my fathers transgressions and waywardness, possibly to allay her own pressures and guilt of pleasures.

Knowing that my mother lied to me about her relationship with her best friend...what was simple and liberal suddenly turned murky. And murkier when she had a strange toxic sexual relationship with the substaff in her office. Depiste the sick sadomachotistic territory it went through and put all of us through, the class-lessness also mattered to me too i suppose. And years of silence and protecting honor and holding the family together and all those things

A simultaneous tightening and release of the chest.

Why did i meander into this dark alley? Because stories are full of dark alleys. The mind is full of dark alleys. How to shine some light could be what stories are about.

BUt then, in the hands of some, its possible to turn off the lights too with stories.

In my adult identity, i am surrounded by storytellers. Not passively as a book full of shelves or a netflix account. But the creators - film makes, illustrators, theatre makers, movers, singers, spiritual seekers, dream makers. At briefly before - journalitsts, PR gus, activists, hope makers. And before that colleges/ schools - naarative makers.

So yea, I am surrounded by storytellers. I chose this, obviously. I chose in my life path to be surrounded by storytellers. Yet i want nothing to do with them .

As much as a part of me years to play and spin with them. Another part of me is terrified of them.

The tricksters.

Who can make one buy into anything. Any idea. Lose ones self in a moment.

Offer ones mind on a platter. Mind and energy.

I doubt their intentions.

What do they want my attention for?

What are they going to do with all this attention they are getting? All this fuel they draw out of people and surroundings, what are they offering it to? Whose altar do they worship?

Obviously i havent never articulated these out aloud.

I would be without friends. Well over time i have ver very few anyways. So thats hardly the problem. I suppose the reasin i have never articulated this out aloud is probably beacuse, the three fingers point at me. I suspect corruption, because i have seen corruption within me.

The creating and dismantling of identities, hunting for attention, people becoming pawns, ambition, self obsession, narcissism, vacume. Addiction to the drama.

A vehicle, for the archtypes to do their dance. Chewed and spat out and regenerated and chewed and spat out and gathering sharrered pieces of life only to be chewed again. Reminds me of the moringa. BUt clearly the moringa is not complaining. I am.

Some part of me has had enough. With the circus. The puppet life.

Another part of is there, waiting in the wings on my toes to be swept in.

While i was always curious about the mind, i suppose it was never with this focus, this drive to tame it. And somewhere even in that i know i am still dancing, even if it appears like a non-dance. Kalari, Vipassna, Tai Chi, Tantra, Ramana. Even art therapy.

All of it is for self knowledge. And ofcourse the practises are taking one there, otherwise how else would this note have been possible. Though in my attitude, i am at war. There is a war for awareness and attention. I am at war with my mind. Even as i write it, i know how futile it is - same dog pulling at opposite ends of the same bone. How? Dog will go hungry. Period.

Meaningless.

I suppose the idea is to trust ones self. And self will take care of the mind. So in effect, even trust the mind because one has already trusted ones self. But my mind has gotten me into so much trouble, made friends with the craziest of archetypes that i am afriad. Yes, i am afriad of it. That it will get me into trouble again. I wont be able to distinguish and centre. And another archtype will possess and ride me. And my mind, will let it.

And all over again, i will lose my sense of self.

Pain. Confusion. Loss of dignity. Loss of stability. All of that i associate with that. And i am just resurfacing after one recent round. Brinks of insanity.

I suppose that is why i practise and hold on to the forms that have come to me. Kalari, Vipassana, Tai Chi. Thy have travelled through time. Stood the tests of the mind to anhilate them. And with them, Ill hopefully be able to fashion a key. To keep me safe.

Lightening of chest

There i said it. And i see that i am clinging. All this, to be safe. And if it is clinging to safety, it is the ego. Which wants to be safe. The mind wants to be safe from itself. Hirlarious!

Like puppet theatre. One hand plays red riding hood and the other hand plays the big bad wolf.

Distracting me from the puppeteer.

Why?

If i see the puppeter ill want to be the puppeteer?

Deep breath

I know i have a blindspot. Somewhere. And my attention moves from being the red riding hood or the wolf or the chase. Maybe if i was able to spot the blind spot, ill get to be the puppeter.

The puppeteer who either a good guy or a bad guy, being puppetered in a meta play. In a meta play. Loop.

Theatre of Earth.

It endless. And no way out.

Yes, way. Buddha way.

But that doesnt seem to be my question now.

It seems to be, how do i get to play the playwright in one of the plays, at whever level. What is there to lose. Its all only a play.

Playwright. Setting the frame for the magic. Or witch craft as someone in the comment section of the Marina- Alejandro talk said. Fiddling with the Tao. Not letting nature be. Not letting it be, but manipulating it. Power play.

The fundamantal question posed by monotheistic practises to the tantric/multi - must the mindscape be meddled with?

BUt then, unless we are in a continuus state of observation - are we continously always meddling with the mindscape one way or the other? Setting intention , desiring outcomes. God on No God. Arent we taking part in changing the play, upstaging the director, the playwright one way or the other.

Isnt every upstaging also written into the meta play?

What is one to do?

To do or not to do?

Even non doing actively is still doing - reminds ramana.

In flow, even doing feels like non doing - from expereince.

In earlier attempts to create full length work. Infact in earlier writings big or small, iremember most of it being largely dark, and not wanting to share / put out there the very dark ones.

My first play, petticoats still sits in paper after many rewritings.Because i couldnt bring myself to put much dark ness out there. Because in the process of rewiting it, i felt i had given into something very dark and powerful, and expereinced wanting to manipulate - lash out at the audience. Expereinced being manipulated - my own life giving way at the seams and lines got blurred.

Powerful forces, i have now come to understand.

Similar experience with the art therpay project too.

And now a word to get a sense of it - archetypes.

But hey! I survived. I am writing this am i not. So what am i scared of? The pain and agony and confusion. Losing balance. Giving into the dark egoistic mind.

Somewhere the mind gents hijacked - i stop being the story teller / reseacher and becomes a character - self obsessed and seeking power. One of the default slip intos.

So what am i saying?

So basically, i am/you are saying, i/you want to open this door. But i know this dragon awaits behind it. I have lost it, been mauled by it multiple times. And i am shit scared of opening that door and being mauled.

Is there a way for me to tame the dragon?

Or should i just walk away from the door and forget all about the dragon. There is a very good chance that it might reappear else where. Atleast in this case, it is a known devil.

My sisters instagram post just read “ My friend is an artist. And he likes my company. Do i need more validation?”

A muse, channeler of inspiration. One has been that. But that didnt suffice. I want to be “one of them”, clearly. Yet, i want nothing to do with them clearly.

Do i weild a tool, a weapon or not.

If i weild it, i can choose not to use it.

If i dont weild it?

I suppose there is so much ego still left in me, that i dont want to play second fiddle. I want my own sunshine.

Or ……..

Lets look at it another way

is it an exercise is self discovery self knowlege? Then the entire approach is observational - comprehend and understand and question the self - rather than say and state.

An enquirey. v/s An expression

All enquireys are expressions

All expressions need not be enquireys

What is the fundamental question - Abhishek had asked. In my first playwrighting process.

I thought, at that time, that it had to be an intelligent question

Today after a decade of life, i understand that to be - What is the question i am/you are/ one is seeking to find an answer to? What are you grappling with? Articulate it into a question the best you can and explore it the medium of writing aplay. Use your imagination - to move characters- change them, puppeterr - but remember the essence - it is not for you to gain power. Play god, no and then let it go into your head. And be devoured by your own demon. No. Thats happened enough now. So we now know what not to do. And what this is not.

Now the essence is to - very clearly, scientifically - explore humbly. Approach your gift of imagination - humbly. Opening the door gently. Entering softly - EVERY TIME. With great respect.

And work / play there with the questions.

And quietly and humbly leave. Taking no more. Demanding no more that thevery process of observation and meaning making.

Reminds me of sandplay.

In the 6 pages and 2 hours, i feel a certain reassurance. I feel like i have asked, without really knowing how to ask. And have been answered to. Quietly.

Keep the frame wide. And work fiercely to be regular. But with gentleness. And deep honesty.

Go on and write.

You can make meaning in many ways for yourself. Writing is one of your earliest tools. Use it to make friends with the dragon behind the door.

You have a very solid physical practise to ground yourself, to navigate the storms. The body practice and the garden. Trust that.

Between the two, the earthing of the physical discipline and access to the mindscapes, you will start finding meaning.

That itself is the purpose. To find meaning.

Remember to enter mindscape, imagination only after knocking on its door. And to close the door behind you as you leave.

It is the great seas. You know that already. Offer her respects. She will test you to see if you have come/become greeedy. Remind her and yourself that youve come for meaning. ANd truth.

Meaning is truth after all. Layers stacked up, coinciding for a perfect opening. Insight.

Where is love in all this? I wondered

What is not love? Pat comes the answer.

0 notes

haeroniel-doliet · 6 years

Text

thbleugh but what bich is gonna fight me for me

idk im just gonna rant again, im sorry if youre on mobile just like, give it a big flick and fly past this i tried i actually have a read more this time

anywy im feelin shitty an dumb n weird an its not fun?? like do we try categorize these feelings:

1. i have 3 days to pass a course and all the course work i failed to do in fucking march

1.b. all those emotions to do w unis great! but also ive been solow and sad and dysfunctional its not rly even funny, grades dropping many levels in half a year like. sure grades dont define my life but considering how easy it is for me to get those grades to see them consistently and kinda dramatically dropping isnt helping (even though like i actively know i got lower grades bc i didnt fucking attend class or take in any knowledge. i realise hahah im making a psychology reference bc im a smart psychology uni student.... hmh oh yeah we, we learned about this, i dont know it. my peers do. oh. oh i didnt, i didnt learn anything. oh no. im here to learn abt the subject im supposedly loving and thats the best fit for me bc like hell id be an artist. anyway i have a lot of shit down here i havent figured out who to talk it out to. the mental health advisor didnt have the time for it rly and w counsellors its been different topics but now were in summer and id rather spend the spare money i can rattle off my parents on ballet than a psyhc i could see 2 times best. im just gonna have to wait till septembet bc my dumb white wall subscitption expired too damnti. ugh im just, okay lets move on

2. inadequacy thats not justified? like it is obvs bc it bothers me and i know i can do better and i am better than this all and i clearly have smth stopping me. while to others im doing just fine if not better than them who are really struggling and kinda dont have sympathy for me who goes ‘ugh im doing so badly and struggling, i mean i write perfect essays in one go but its just so hard to do thattt and i know im smarter and better than this’ esp bc say putting words together in that way is difficult on them and not been good at school

2.b. like being good at school but noot being good now, classic phenomenon or has my school system always been the softes most coddliest and where in the normal or worse school 1would have performed average and maybe learned to study and the worth of it to do better, ive just been good enough that caring became so unnecessary i need to waste my time on pointless but constant other things. like youtube and rpchats. constant monotone stimulation for hours. andhours.

2.c. asking for help bc im struggling w actually getting over the fuzzy and struggle and self hate and blegh feelings to do some work thatd allow me to pass the coursein my 3 days of the very last extended time. and then realising, ah either youve slaved over your work and stressed and panicked to have it good and on time and have no pity left for me and my foolishness, or you never got to uni/struggled to go to uni and think im wasting my opportunity by being an ungrateful lazy piece of hsit. and i know ia m. and 2.d. its the reason why im not doing extra volunteering or serious extra curriculars thatd give the headstart in my lfie. bc, even tho on one side i wanna be that kid and owuld scoff at ppl not doing it who are here for fun and get a degree on the side, rn i see it as not stealing away dedicated good peoples spots who deserve to get the extra recognition for being clever and independent, meanwhile knowing htat probablyill be just fine. worst case scenario for me is literally (ok theres worse but v unlikely) living w my parents and ending up at a mediocre service job to another mediocre office job or smth and never get to a lab bc i wasnt sufficient enough and i never got the cotton balls out of my head and cleared up again to be smart enogh

okay what next, shitty privilige, crying abt my cotton ball head or not being smart

3. okay were gonna do the smart first bc my chest hurts and i kinda feel like crying or smth abt it. like in a dumb (fun) chat im playing athena known for wisdom and all this shit, and though i can throw out a quip or two or cleverly use smth to keep the smartass wisdom stick going on, every now and then i realise how dumb i am and not smart enough that another person could clearly fill this in much better. like. you know all the hilarious posts abt mansplaining and women being pushed out of their fields by dumber men who think they know better bc the others a woman and like, yeah? things where they are confident enough to say, actually i am way smarter than you and i know this bettr. here i am feeling like even if i spent years researching smth i wouldnt have the confidence to feel smart and knowldegeable abt it. like rn, i cant even hold arguments anymore bc im a fool. and i come off as dumb and i dont want to be, i still wanna be the smart kid, but im not working my brain im not doing work or research or learning, im jsut floating by w my cotton ball head thats getting fuzzier and fuzzier and though i can do tasks and would probably b v compeittive if it came to that and need to prove myself as smart, i can no longer feel like id hold my own, esp when people poke holes so easily, trap falls, “hah you dont know what to say ive bested you you dumb bitch” vibey things i just. its horrible? i wanna be smart and be confident in my smartness and feel recognized as smart by other people and live up to that expectation of actually being clever. and not just, knowing im smart enough in some ways bc school ive passed so easy w always good remarks and participate well in class discussion and all, and im sure nobody thinks im rly dumb bc if i have to ask things im v friendly and try to be attentive. and idk if nobodys expecting more than me, bc again if i cant answer ive developed to be v chill about it and come off as average i guess.

anyways 4. privilige; like thers multiple inc. the fact im fucking finnish aka my education system was supposedly one of the best, i grew up international so i wasnt even confined to one shitty school in one shitty town, ive had varied school experiences and switching so much i think has given me confidence in myself and shit like that. also bc im finnish i get grants in uni, like free money. and so far i have barely had to use it bc surprise my parents are togther and decently well off bc they got lucky w a job being fancy ppl for 3 years and my older brother is already adulting and slowly doing his own thing so i can have more money from them. aka. catch my dad paying all my rent and food and everything i need/ ask for on the condition we keep a good releationship. and im reasonable bc he raised me smart apparently idk. but that still means im living at home i have no intentions of becoming an independent home owner bc idk how i would esp since ill be with my parents most holidays for years to come and idk even when or how ill become a real adult being in a real home w real comapnionship. bc rn idk who im even gonna live with, hopefully be civil w them maybe even make a bit of friends but im not gonna have a significant other to move in and support me for a while bc thats a thing idk if were getting into today in this why im feeling shitty rant.

4.b. so im priviliged in everyway to go to uni for free (damn i gotta apply for that again) in a nice country and a nice and supportive school and get funding from both my parents and my country and not worry abt money and just get a degree all supported and babied again. im also, idk. priviliged bc, fuck writing comes easy to me, i know nayone reading my rants would be like... yeah this is barely legible and terrible writted and mind blurts so i say it is yes bc its mind blurts but i can organise my htoughts into fancy essays surprisingly easy and critical stuff like psych and english came mad easy to an extent. sure, i wasnt talented in math but i still made it, i am not talented in science but sometimes the concepts click and i can . but then, im also talented in art. and im not ashamed to say its privilige disposition or talent or smth, bc damn. i do not practice or dedicate enough love to claim that. sure, ive drawn always, sure, ive practiced more as a kid thatn other kids and thats probably carried me thru pretty far, but i think ive just had a natural disposition to be good at art technique (creativity maybe not so, or inspiration) but i know what looks good and sometimes how to achieve that. cue montage to art class where i sit w my friends who are talking about bands or making outlines w nut shells bc there i am beside them doing the work in half the time twice as good. mostly bc the teacher wasnt great and would assign essentially copying a picture from a4 to a2 u know like drawing the same thing. and thats not easy. and youre supposed to build up really light layers and slowly refine it. and ppl who listened only ended up w shitty light drawings that either look like potatoes or vaguely like the picture, while i with boosting confidence would go, we only do one super light sketch one medium sketch and one dark layer. bc by the medium one everything is in its place and looks abt like everyone elses and i need the dark hues to show it accurately even if it isnt perfect, and my work would like almost always stand out on the wall bc it was so different/advanced. i wont lie it influenced my friends to not draw as well or as much sitting next to me, and ofc id feel bad and i could never boast bc i felt bad that they didnt try bc they saw me, thought mines not gonna be like that so im just gonna fuck around and do whatever. and i obvs needed praise but would always feel bad bc it was obviously me who was the best in that class and its so self conceited but, it kinda just was true in that small class half of whom didnt want to be there. me butt kissin and trying to impress myself w my skill. catch like, that first day he asked us to draw the person next to us, and i made my partner draw me first, bc i just knew if i went first theyd look at it and draw me a potato stick figure in 5 seconds and say i cant draw like you. and true. while the rest of the class made sketchy circle guys, some looing so childish, here i went and said, okay i find it awkward having you stare at me and if you move a lot it makes it harder to be accurate, so, like take out your phone and get comfortable and look down at that for a while hence drawing3/4 unlike anyone else w eyes cast down and damn if i dont remember it being beautiful and identifiable as that friend, even tho the teacher told ppl around me like, ah yes she did it this way, 3/4 not face on which is much easier. which is true but bitch you never said. sides it looks so much better and was so much less frustrating. anyway, even now in that chat i go and like drop my drawings in bc partially i just wanna draw more and showing people makes me draw? u know. and i kinda wanna get compliments. but ive figured im pretty humble abt it. and sure i get comments that are like god i wish i could draw like that from someone that doesnt draw arms or legs and theyre v bublehead cartoon. and im like. you could. but yours is still middle school level, so just, keep working at it, get confidence to break your mold.

that andtheres this one chick that,,,, gawd, well they admit to being a sociopath in chat which is great and seem real attention seekery in general (theres a surprising amount of people, while in midst of rp and getting compliments go “well i guess im a shit rpr because nobody wants to rp with me ://) post art and then be like dramatically UGH i hate it it looks so bad im terrible at art, literally poster girl for fishing for compliments. and even if i dont like the style at all, i try give in anatomical pointers or smth abt the drapery or smth technical i can complement. bc id want the same i guess? and i dont love let alone like the art itself. and then, while getting so many of those theyre like “yeah well nobody likes my art, say it reminds them of this character (jessica rabbit while all hers have big hips big tits tiny waists massive lips massive eye, but just one eye bc the otehrs covered by hair like theres obvious similarities) which means im totally not original like i thought so why even try!” and other melodramatic things that i can argue, but they dont wanna hear it they want attention and praise and i just ughhh i could preach you about how no art is original and its all from influence, or how someone doesnt have to like your style to appreciate it, or someone might love your style and like. basic stuff ive figured out myself. and it gets frustrating trying not to get a superiority, or to start shoving my own art in there to try compete or smth. and its just. hard. idk. id k. i know theres people who are averse to art and never tried to be good at it who are obvs gonna be omg thats so good i cant even draw and ill be like, hah yeah sure dude if you tried maybe btut thanks.

also drawing man its so weird, whenever i see someone elses drawing a part of me goes “we must draw so that we can show were better than that” like, either to get complimetns and shift it to me? or to just show them off. to be like. i can do it better. which i kinda hate about myself? that i draw mostly bc of that and a need to show off? like amxxs art or smth, them talking like yeahh ugly art is good art, drawing is so healing i feel great or im so proud of myself for improivng so much look at my art, and a part of me goes, awh yes! my theorys proven working on art for yourself improves and can cheer you up, another goes, yesnow i must draw to show how good i am and show how i too feel fulfilled by drawing but also make it about me by weeping how i hate drawing myself. literally smths wrong w me seeing others pot abt their midrift, or learning to accept their curves or drawing themselves or smth, and theres a gremlin of me going like yeah but i cant draw myself bc i tried once and it looks like shit and ill only highlight my flaws and im slightly afraid of someone saying it looks exactly like me or other dumb shit, or i dont have curves to accept bcim not big hip big thic thigh girl im just. my legs are big but mostly ugly bc of the skin on them not bc of their size (ankles tho oof) and i have no hips i have no butt bc it allwent to my stoamch thats also ugly and my broad badly postured back thats also ugly w these spots and marks and scars soon probably. and saggy boobs dont forget those. bc theyre literally fat sacks aiming for the ground i guess. anyway. no cute curves, no beautiful skin no nth its just tough and i cant help but feel the negativity towards myself in almost every glimpse of someone elses positivity. i dont always air it which would be horrible of me to do, but its still there. making their happiness about my misery. maxx loves their boyfriend?> i hate them bc i dont like him and its rining it> i hate them havingsuch a dreamy but fake seeming ‘soulmate’ relationship bc its not true and i think itll end up terribly> im neveer gonna have that and im jealous of them i guess having someone theyd dedicate so much to and who loves them so much theyre all over the place making sappy things> well theyre an oveer romantic whod do it over the smallest things this wasnt a great example.

anyway yeah extra note, even if i felt comfortable enough for sex im not comfortable enough in my body for that and idk how thats relevant to anything but i guess thats smth id also talk w a therapist abt whod probably tell me, then dont have sex! like yeah thats my plan.but im talking never gonna be able to form a relationship bc even having a friend for a sleepover makes me uncomfortable having them see me in an uncontrolled clothed position. u feel.

anyway i have a lot of little problems that amount and i guess when i start addressing one the rest pop up their ugly heads and this is why i never getanywhere. this all comes from how shitty i feel from how i have literally not even 3 full days to complete those tasks and pass, and i know i need to, though nothing in me actually feels like itll actually do the work u know, that spiraled through that chat into privilige of being at school and how i should tryy a bit that turned to im priviliged to be smart to pass and in my talent in art despite not being an artist that spiraled to another way i disliked myself and thats my fucked relations to myself my body and relationships (esp including me that dont exist)

side note, though no surprise if for some ungodly reason youve read this shit i wrote at 8.30 am when i have a docs appointment abt my very ugly skin at 12.45 i over share. easily. if somseone asks id give them all. look at this. even in that chat i spiraled from, hah fun fucked up thing im almost failing my course bc im a shit, to my heads filled with fuzz and i hate that i cant live up to my potentia. and im surprised how much i like this one guy, though who with his character ripped into my athena and make me question all my smartness, really makes me feel better ooc??? like theyre genuinely nice and just too informed and funny and playing the dick for a very well thought out reason (drunk doesnt mean it etc) and while the sociopath gal is giving me the side eye after they tried to help but figured out im a prviliged kid whos in school for free and not making the most of it and how easy school has been forme when for them despite their hard efforts they failed high school.u know not reallly helping kinda making me fele worse bc i know i should be doing better and could be and not only bc i have a priviliged opportuntity to and ability, i would benefit so much more if i did it for myself. but here comes by weird guy who slips on a freudian approach and claims they love helping ppl through their problems so i drop another overshare paragraph if he rly wanted to help but lighten it by taking thetopic off, he doesnt return and never address my post bc now its onto talking abt the big rp thing. im not mad. i just, idk i kinda wanted their support, another poor stranger to inflict w my extremely troubled wordy lengthy and i guess complex thoughts and feelings and lack there of sometimes and other shit.

anyway im not doing great but im gonna grab 3 hrs of sleep before the doc, come back, nap, go to ballet again, come back, ad.... do smth.. work. maybe. one can hope. i hate it will it actually work only time can tell and i hate myself already.ugh. i hate i hate im not okya with this why cant someone else deal w me for me. deal with all these feelings and botherings and make me do my work and be satisfied doing it and do it all in time and feel a little success and reward myself like i should for work done and not just when i want. idk. someone,t ake over my life, you might be better at it. help me dela with school that i currently hate the most even if im meant to end up a scholar or smth

#rant time #bc i guess i need to vent out my feelings that are just annoyingly complex and i cant actually deal with them #aka i hate myself #but not like actively or aggressively #i prefer not think i exist but thats not even covered up above #just bullshit #dont read if youd like to keep your day being nice

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