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kitve · 7 years

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heY hi !! it’s me ... ur local Trash nala :’))) back at it w another one :’))) sldkfngls oK so he’s a muse i’ve had for awhile, however i never rly got the chance to rly dive into using him, so i’m definitely looking forward to this !! let me apologize in advance for how .......... TERRIBLE he is but pls let us lov u :// anywAY y’all kno the drill, under the cut u’ll find some background n headcanons abt kitae & if u’d like to plot w him, just give this a like n i’ll come bother u. i also have d*scord, if u’d like to chat there ... nalaas#6183

trigger warnings: he is a walking slew of trigger warnings, bUT violence, ( v brief mentions of ) murder, maternal loss, mentions of alcohol n things as such will be found below ... sry ://

BACKGROUND STUFF !!

fiRST THINGS FIRST kitae isn’t his real name , his birth name is han taeil .

his mother’s body wasn’t strong enough to handle giving birth , so taeil never met her or knew much abt her bc

his father was the biggest p o s !! he was an alcoholic n drug addict who seemed to get off on beating taeil senseless ?? he also gambled n left young taeil alone a lot

taeil was abt 7 when his father had been gone two days straight ( for the first time ) n he was scared out of his wits ?? when he received a knock on the door . apparently, the elderly neighbor had heard him crying thru the walls n decided to come check on him — which became a very pivotal moment in taeil’s life

the elderly woman talked taeil into staying w her whenever his dad wasn’t home ( which had soon become almost never tbh unless he lost his money n needed a punching bag to relieve his anger ) but for the most part , things had started to really look up for taeil because the time spent w his dad didn’t matter bc he knew he had some place to go … somewhere he was loved

the more time he spent w his ‘ grandma ’ the more taeil began to open up … his grades went up , he dropped the prickly defense mechanism n started making friends , he stopped fighting — it was like he was a new person ( well , more so the person he was meant to be , especially when his father seemed to disappear for good after leaving him a letter … smth abt needing to run ?? taeil didn’t really read it bc he was too excited abt being able to live w grandma forever )

things continued to move forward n taeil only found himself going up ; he graduated high school at the top of his class , but life couldn’t stay rose colored for too long … his luck had never been that good

when he arrived home from taking his entrance exam , he realized then what he should have when his father left the note he did … long story short , two gentleman had broken into their home to come after him because his dad owed them a poop ton of money ??? there was some fighting n to protect him , grandma stepped between them n was critically wounded in the struggle ( which caused them to flee prematurely without getting what they had come for . ) grandma eventually faded away in taeil’s arms but only after telling him to run — become someone new n make sure they don’t find him under any circumstances

O F C it was the hardest thing he had to do, but he followed the last instructions given to him by his most important person n took off w nothing but the clothes on his back n the money grandma had said she stashed away for taeil during their years together for his college education n he didn’t stop until he reached grandma’s friend in seoul

HEADCANON THINGIES !!

he doesn’t trust many people , if any

very secretive n doesn’t let people in

chances are , if he’s ‘ friends ’ w u , it’s bc he has deemed u useful ; either as an escape ( drugs or alcohol ) , a warm body , or information

he looks out for one person n one person only — himself !!

doesn’t take shit from anYO N E n is usually telling someone off

v good at fighting ???? ( even does some underground stuff ) bc he’s put a L O T of effort into training himself so he can eventually avenge his grandma’s death .. tbh i kinda see him close to black widow level, but not quite there yet. it’s his goal tho

he’s also a lot like creed in terms of never knowing when to give up or stay down

v resourceful n knows how to go without

he’s strangely ... smiley ?? despite the disgusting terribleness that is him n his personality

he does have a rly strong urge to protect ?? so if he finds u weak n doesnt detest u n everything u stand for .. u may find him lookin out for u

he usually comes off rly mean n ugli tho sry again in advance :////

he sleeps around … like a lot !! bc tho he likes to be alone n emotionally unavailable , he doesn’t rly like to be physically alone ( he doesn’t actually like to be alone at all , he just feels safer that way , plus he can handle physical pain a lot better than he can emotional / mental )

he blames himself for his mother’s death …. n grandma’s death

he’s a bartender !! but he also preforms a lot too bc he rly likes singing n dancing tho he tells everyone he only does it bc his boss lets him drink free for the night

psychology major, working on his masters rn --- wants to get his PsyD after that & already has a degree in criminal justice … he adores anything related to the brain ( his dream job is a criminal psychologist but he’d settle for working in a hospital too )

also has a serious case of “ ceraunophilia ” ; which is defined as a deep love of thunder n lightning ... it also connotes the idea of finding both intensely beautiful. so basically, u kno where to find him whenever it’s storming outside. that’s also when he feels most at peace

the “ friend ” mentioned is the one who helped taeil disappear so kitae could ( hopefully ) exist safely

#seoulintro #slkdfngls im so exC I TED !!#this .. is rly long tho im SO SRY sldkfng

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hopelesslylovesick · 7 years

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Perspective

07/15/17 || Cocaine

12:22 am

I just did my first line. I have the magnolia video going. I don’t know what’s going on....

12:29 am

Weeknd’s Reminder never sounded so good.

12:34 am

Going to do another line, I think I’ll properly start feeling it after I do.

I think I’m going to be binging weeknd for a bit.

Sort of fucked up but I’m looking so forward to being able to do my next line...fuck LOL

12:43 am

Time do another line, probably going to go do stuff for a bit right after.

1:20 am

I did a line earlier at 1, and did another one just now. Think I’m going to go through the True to Self album, I feel like it’s a dope vibe.

Also...I feel like I should have gone to the club with her tonight. How could I have left her on her own, trusting the people there to take care of her was a mistake...fuck I just hope she’s okay. She deserves to be happy. She really does.

I opened all the usual tumblr pages...I think I’m going to read old stuff again, that always helps somehow....

1:29 am

I’ve been reading her written posts on insta. I feel a little nauseous. Think I’ll do the line anyways, might numb it away......

Also, I’m probably going to end up reading again what she said to me that night when I told her everything... It seems to be almost a routine at this point....Fuck

Just did the line.

1:37 am

I feel so...strange. Not physically speaking but, just very....unsure? I don’t even know what to call this. Think I’ll do the line early and do it now.

Reading our old messages, the early ones where it was still a surprise to her for me to be the way I was....

Fuck, she just called me asking me where he is. She’s so drunk. I’m really praying someone is there to take care of her and make sure she’s okay...fuck I should have gone tonight.

I feel like looping Nevermind This Interlude. I also barely debated doing more lines. This is so fucked, fucking hell.....

1:51 am

Time to do a line.

Reading really old posts, like from the first couple months when I first met her. Also switched to Rolling Stone now.

I hope she’s okay

Haha that’s pretty funny in a weird, throwback kind of way. I totally forgot that the way I used to hint to her I wasn’t okay was telling her I was thinking whenever she asked me what I was up too. That seems like so long ago, yet not at the same time....

Switched to High for This

2:01 am

Not sure why, but felt like listening to it so switched to Keep the Family Close. Also going to do a line now.

Reading the messages when I was considering OD. It’s honestly pretty interesting to read these convos, gives a really peculiar feeling.

She’s been texting me every once in a while throughout the night about how she misses him...damn.

Drake’s Freak In You remix was a good choice.

2:12 am

Going to do a line now. Probably going to start listening to party for a bit now.

God...I found the messages of when I told her I knew and I instantly felt sick....That pain...that whole experience was something I don’t ever want to go through again.

2:23 am

Started listening to Ed like 5 minutes ago. She also just called, taking her friend home, so probably going to call her again to keep her company just in case. Also, going to do a line right now.

2:35 am

Did another line. I’m trying to make sure she’s okay but she’s not sober at all fucking hell.

2:44 am

Shit, I feel like she might have noticed that I’m not sober, or at the very least that somethings off when I called her. My voice didn't come out right because my throat is fucked. Hopefully she’s drunk enough to not remember this...

I should have fucking gone tonight, why is it that the one night I don’t go this happens, fucking hell I’m just going to always go now just in case.

2:47 am

Interesting, because I was listening to Ed for a bit, I’m listening to his Say It cover. I’m not mad tho, it’s so good anyways. Also going to do a line now probably. Also I’m praying either one of her friends finds her or she somehow gets home.

Fuck I can’t reach her. Also listening to Say You Won’t Let Go, but going to switch to You’re Beautiful now.

Holy shit, it’s amazing live. I think I like it better then the normal version, the acoustic vibe just fits the song perfectly.

Also, still super anxious about her.

I reached her, thank god. I think...

Also, I just went through a bunch of 2000s classics, like Jason Mraz’s Lucky and what not. Listening to You Found Me now haha.

Why won’t she pick up, wtf. I’m hoping so bad she’s okay. Hopefully she gets found soon. I’m so fucking worried, dammit.

I totally forgot about The Script’s Breakeven. This is definitely a classic as well.

2:58 am

Just switched to No Doubt. Felt like a different vibe. Going to do a line now as well.

God, this song is so good as well. Think I’ll listen to Creep next.

NEVERMIND, I just remembered Dido’s White Flag was a thing. This is actually a childhood throwback. Wow....that’s crazy. I feel like listening to Nickleback’s Photograph next, their old stuff was actually great, LOL

Gotta listen to Stan real quick before that, that chorus is the stuff of legends.

Forget Photograph, How You Remind Me is the real banger from them, so many memories associated with this single song. Just chilling in the old house’s basement as a kid. God, that was actually such a great time. Everything so much more simple....

Also haven’t been able to reach her for a bit now again, shit.

Listening to Creep now, it sounds so good. Think I’ll listen to the cover after this.

She was with the fuckboy from tinder. Really. Fucking hell. Fucking. Hell.

3:08 am

I’m doing a line.

Listening to Every Breath You Take now, idk why but yeah. God I’m lowkey so fucking annoyed. Holy shit. I want to like, beat the shit out of something LOL.

Okay, I’m going to try calm down. Cause being mad literally doesn’t do anything. I can’t do anything rn anyways. Listening to Musiq’s Love now, this song will definitely do the trick.

Old school R&B is actually one of the greatest things. It’s just so good. It’s both so emotional yet so sonically amazing as well. If anything, the fact that it’s still popular now and sampled by so many modern artists is a clear indication of it’s impact and how timeless it is. Think I’m going to listen to more old R&B. Probably start of with Ne-Yo or something.

On Boys II Men now, End of the Road is one of those classics that everyone just knows, but it’s also actually a good song at the same time. Another timeless song.

3:19 am

Haven’t heard from either of them for a bit now, getting anxious and worried again, fuck. Also on Tamia’s Officially Missing You, the original never sounded this good to me, it’s so smooth. Think I’ll still listen to the cover though, but goddamn is this good.

Also, going to do a line now.

I listened to the studio version of the cover for a bit, but I feel like live could be better so switched. Oh it’s definitely better, in some ways at least. Feels more intimate, more personal.

Well I just emptied whatever was left int he bag, which wasn’t much to be honest. This is so fucked. Also think I’m going to listen to Taeyang song, then GD’s. Youtube suggested pulling through hard right now.

3:29 am

Why have none of them updated me, holy shit I hope everything is okay...

Listening to GD’s That XX, probably going to switch the song when I do a line though. Speaking of which, I have the last 3 set up now. I already know I’m going to lowkey crave more once I finish it. Whatever....

Went with Sam Smith’s Lay Me Down. It’s....I don’t know what to call what I’m feeling, but it’s almost putting things into perspective, in a weird sort of way.

3:31 am

Doing a line now.

Listening to I’m Not The Only One now....it just feels right to now...

Holy shit I just realized how much I texted her. I think it’s fine though, shouldn’t make her too suspicious. She is lost downtown late at night after all. It’s an appropriate response....

Just finished reading all of our conversation from when I told her. I left off near the end earlier and forgot. I don’t know how I feel. Probably because of the numbness. Also been listening to When I Was Your Man. Think I’ll switch soon though.

I don’t know if it’s the coke or I’m just remembering wrong, but a lot of songs seem to be faster then I remember. Like the one I’m listening to right now, Stay.

Also, I feel strangely sober, like super awake, although that’s definitely the coke doing that LOL. Like a 99.99999% chance that it’s the blow.

I see why people love Love On The Brain so much, it’s pretty good. Not amazing though. Now I feel like listening to Rihanna’s best hits.

Take a Bow is such a throwback, holy.

Suddenly just got the urge to listen to Halo. Probably will go to Adele after this.

3:41 am

Time to do another line. Going to turn up Halo a bit more, this song needs to be heard in a way that it feels like it’s just fulfilling.

Just set up the last line, as in gathering all the stray stuff around it. I’m really hoping she’s okay...fucking hell. He’s not responding either.

Took a quick detour and listening to No One right now. Also, I’m pretty much fully convinced the white is making the songs feel like they have a faster beat they they really do. No way No One was this fast.

3:46 am

And now it’s time for the end. Listening to Someone Like You right now. Think I’ll switch to the live version soon though. It’s just so good. Feels so much more real, genuine, so much more personal. It also sounds better in some parts I feel like.

3:52 am

She just called me and told me how it wasn’t supposed to be like this, how he was genuinely unhappy. How she felt so dirty. What can I do. What am I supposed to do. Fucking hell. I’m going to play the live version now and just do the last line. I wish I had more. Might even drink...

3:58 am

I should have done the line a bit ago, but I feel like I should wait for the right moment. It just feels like the right thing to do...

I hope she really does call back...

Also I think she might suspect something, not surprised tbh. I told her I’m tired and I’m still up, just doesn't really add up....

4:00 am

She just called, she’s all good and safe. Thank god. Time to end off my night too I guess...if I even can.

Did the line, the end is always a weird feeling. I’m debating if I should listen to this one more time and try to gather my thoughts like I used too. That was originally the point after all...

4:12 am

She just texted me “how the fuck u know”

I don’t know what she means by that....hopefully nothing bad. Actually now that I think about it I’m pretty sure I know what it’s about. If it’s what I’m thinking everything’s all good, at least to a certain extent I guess.

4:33 am

She just called, she’s definitely bothered, and has a lot on her mind. She asked to text, I’m guessing because there’s other people around.

5:30 am

I just had a massive conversation with her. Haven’t been that deep and real with her in a really long time. It’s a strange feeling, but really familiar at the same time. Oh, I thought she fell asleep but I guess not. She just texted me she’s going to cry. Fuck. I hope she listens to me and calls me.

5:50 am

Still talking to her, I think. Yeah she’s still awake I’m pretty sure. I’ve constantly been asking her, pushing her to tell me, or at least decide. She finally did, cause her phones about to die so maybe that’s why haha, but she decided. She decided that she doesn’t want to leave him.

If I’m being honest, I can’t say I’m happy with what she decided. Of course I’m not, how could I be. But, it’s what she wants, what she genuinely wants, so I’m going to do my best to help her in any way I can like I always have been...

I find that lately I’ve been wondering, asking myself randomly why I’m still here. Why I’m still there for her as much as I am. I can’t say it’s just because she’s a friend, I don’t think any friend would do as much as I do, not even bragging, just how it is. I know I care for her a lot, that has never changed, and honestly dont think it ever will. She’s someone I just genuinely want to be happy, whatever that is. But...I can’t help but think, wonder every once in a while, if I do this out of love. Obviously I love her. You can love people platonically. People like close friends and family. People who you have a sort of unconditional love for, who you would do nearly anything, if not everything to make sure they’re happy.

But, it’s hard, it’s really hard to figure out where the line is between loving someone and being in love with someone. I know it’s probably the first, it makes the most sense, and it can’t and shouldn’t be any other way. I dont know why I’m starting to get confused about this again, although if I’m being honest with myself it’s probably because I’m trying to figure out what I feel for the other girl. I barely know her, but I feel like there might be potential? I don’t know what I’m saying anymore....

Lately, it seems more and more frequently....I’ve had the urge to just tell it all, tell her how I’ve felt, how I feel now, and everything I’ve ever thought. Everything I’ve ever thought and had to go through and endure and pretend was fine in order to maintain this precious relationship I have with her. This is, and can be enough for me. I can be happy with being her close friend. But I’d be lying if I said I don’t get the urge for more then just that every once in a while. Hell....it might be possible that urge is always there, but I’ve just subconsciously learned to suppress it, and shove it all the way into the deepest corner of my mind so I can’t ever stumble upon it...

Coke, for as terrible as it is for all the obvious reasons, really does help me express all my feelings, properly, nothing held back. I don’t know if what I did tonight was a good thing to be honest, I can’t say I don’t have doubts about what I said, about the possible repercussions of it. But... I think it was better to say it then not. At least now, when it’s still not too late.....

I think that’s the main reason why I hate him so much. I couldnt really put a reason on it, because I wasnt sure myself, just knew only what I felt... But I think it’s because of what I thought what feels like a time so long ago... That he’s insanely lucky, to me extremely fortunate to have someone like her in love with him. Someone like her who would do anything for him. Someone who is amazing in every way.... I don’t know what I feel for her. I honestly don’t. Realistically, I’m probably going to sleep and wake up today totally disregarding all the things I just poured out. I know everything I said is the honest truth, I really dont believe that it’s anything but.

But....I just can’t say it, maybe I’m too much of a coward, maybe I waited too long and now it’s too late, or maybe I just dont really feel that way and Im just confused about my feelings. None of that matters in the end though, because you just cant go back after something like that.... Who knows, maybe you could, but I honestly would rather not risk it and keep what I have with her. It’s that exact reason that makes me doubt my “feelings,” makes me think I’m delusional. Because if you really love someone,...shouldn’t you want them at any cost? Or is it really love because I’m doing what’s at least best for her, what would make her happiest? I honestly don’t know. It’s something I dont think I’ll ever truly know how I truly feel about it unless I confront her and tell her everything.... Just have to find the right time I guess. But...I already know her answer. Doesn’t matter if I tell her now or later. She won’t ever be in love with me, and that’s why I think I haven’t done anything yet.

Because at the end of the day she doesnt love me, and I dont think she ever will.

So I need to move past it however way I can and be the most that I can be for her.

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