ending my every three months rewatch of exu fucking party time, feeling like my life is both ruined and fixed, feeling incredibly nostalgic, wanting to tell stories again

Would you say AA has this sense of thinking he /needs/ to be like Cazador, because that's "what works" and what's "safe"? Like this is who he has to be, and nothing else is viable? That's how I interpreted AA's masking (especially during his sex scene, it seems very insincere and more like what he thinks he needs to be than what he wants) and I can't really make it work with Neil's statements honestly.

I also think he's very much capable of cruelty but the way AA acts is something else entirely to me because it's so goofily a Stereotypical Cartoon Villain Big Bad Sexy Vampire which doesn't really come across as honest in the way, let's say, Gortash's antics seem honest from what we know of the character. Maybe I'm misinterpreting what masking means, idk. I'm definitely not saying it's not honest that he wants to do all that power-hungry shit and that he's secretly a pure tortured soul because that's a lame ass reading that contradicts canon but everything about how he carries himself is so uncanny and all those underlying themes of being really fucking afraid and unable to face what happened/running away from it don't lead me to believe he's living an authentic life, more like he's trapped inside himself.

I don't really see how this contradicts anything Neil said. He never says AA is Astarion's most authentic self at all, or even that he's healthy and confident, only that he stops masking with theatrical deflections.

You also have to account for the supernatural element here too. In dnd lore, most true vampires basically succumb to personality rot and become paranoid and obsessive scheming freaks. I know the 'vampire ascendant' is a new thing and bg3 plays with the lore a bit more but considering this is alluded to by Astarion AND Cazador and heavily reflected in AAs behavior, I'm willing to believe that the vampire ascendant is literally just that but on steroids. Hence the cartoonish behavior lol

Astarion's a complex character. A lot of his arc is a question about how trauma can shape a person and what remains (if anything) after they've gone through something inconceivable, and if they can move past it and reclaim an identity for themself. I don't think it's a coincidence that his background is mostly vague and we don't actually know the kind of person he was before he was turned (unlike *those* fans, I also don't believe 'corrupt magistrate' means he was 'always destined to be evil' or some nonsense like that.) So much of his character is informed by the choices made in the game and how the experiences shape his worldview. He's by far the most dynamic character in the game and people want there to be a simple answer to his character (whether that be 'he's a poor uwu baby who did nothing wrong' or 'he's always been irredeemably evil and is incapable of change') when the reality is there just isn't one.

All this to say, same as what I've been saying from the beginning, both endings for him serve a purpose. They're two sides of the same coin for his character. They are both true to Astarion and his development and they're meant to contrast in ways that make you think deeper about him and his story. They absolutely cannot be taken in a vacuum and I am just so annoyed with people not engaging with the story on this level and wanting there to be simple moral platitudes to everything because they're uncomfortable with complexity.

Tagged!

I was tagged by the lovely @awkwardpotatonk - welcome to the world of tag games!! I hope it has been exciting! and long may you sneeze like Shrek.

Nickname: well, I got Echo Tesla from a futuristic name generator earlier so gonna go with that and hope it sticks for obvious reasons

Zodiac: Virgo babey but like, disaster Virgo who doesn’t keep things clean and organised

Height: just under 6 ft

Last movie I saw: The Princess Switch... I... might need to do a royalty AU soon

Last thing I googled: "put english on it”

Favorite musician: today has been a Lady Gaga day, which is unusual

Song stuck in my head: thusly, Million Reasons

Other blogs: I have a multifandom secondary blog that I wanted to start using but then the female-presenting nipplepocalypse happened and I wasn’t sure if I was still gonna start it up. I really want to blog more about TAZ and the thirteenth doctor and random things I watch and read, though, so I think I’m gonna go for it at some point

Do i get asks: when I remind people I don’t like mangoes, sure

Following: 249. I’m trying to follow more people to get my dash a little more pepped up but I’m not great with change, I have a few weird squicks about stuff I don’t like to see, and I enjoy knowing the people on my dash, so it’s a lil hard to expand the circle.

Amount of sleep: good god

Lucky number: 12

What I’m wearing: a tee with Zuko on it and owl jimjam trousers

Dream job: it’s weird that it kinda hurts to think about what my dream job would be because it feels so far-off and impossible. there are lots of things I can see myself doing and really enjoying, but the process to get there looks daunting and not in the “I’ll have to work really hard” sense because that’s cool by me, just in the “I have no idea how to meaningfully invest my efforts when there seems to be no opportunities around” sense. I do enjoy the work that I do right now but it’s not my dream job by any means. I guess in an ideal world I’d be able to sustain a living out of writing or content creation of some kind, or I’ve thought about teaching full-time or even going into counselling. in 2019 I need to get my head sorted on where I’m gonna try to be, because at the moment I think I’m too cosy in what I’m doing right now and I’m not trying to get out of my rut because I’m worried about failing out. this has been an unasked for venting session with whelvenwings

Dream trip: well if it’s a dream trip then the normal rules of irl travel surely don’t apply so we’re going to MARS and there will be MARS BARS EVERYWHERE and everyone there will enjoy playing board games and DnD so we’ll just be those chill dudes living their best lives in space

Favorite food: I could absolutely go nuts for a brie, bacon, and apricot bagel right now and just saying that sentence makes me wonder whether my beloved bagel creation could be improved with the addition of a few tastefully scattered nuts atop the glorious sundries below 

Play any instruments: I play a little bass guitar and a little piano and a little drums, and I mean a very little because I’m irredeemably bad frankly but god it makes me happy to try

Languages: well english is a tricksy one but we try our best to surf her waves of meaning with grace on the daily. I understand a lot of italian, spanish, and french and I speak quite a bit when I have the confidence. I’m learning indonesian and I’ve learned a bit of german and turkish in the past so I can understand the basics of those fairly ok. I read latin pretty decent but I’m getting rusty. I freakin love languages man.

Favourite songs: today it’s 102 by the 1975. I’m going to see them next week and I’m STOKED LIKE A STEAM ENGINE’S FURNACE

Random fact: I have a snowglobe beside me that I got for Christmas and it’s got a unicorn inside it with one half of its face looking kinda cute while the other half looks more majestic, you know how figurines tend to have that very-different-halves-of-the-face thing going on, and there’s a rainbow overarching the whole affair, and underneath is a space for the gifter to write the giftee’s name. my mum gave it to me and she wrote “Emily” and then a little smiley face with a creepy little nose like :-) and she apologised when she gave it to me for the nose and it’s my favourite thing I own right now.

How to describe myself aesthetic: you know that feeling when you expected an experience or a place to be really magical and otherworldly and movie-esque and perfect and then you actually do it or go there and it’s just real life, like you’re still you and you still have an itch on your nose and you still haven’t done that thing you need to do and there are crying babies and there are people chewing and there is dirt on the floor and you realise there is no way to escape being yourself wherever you go or whatever you do in a big messy imperfect world, and THEN there’s a moment where you think, like, this is all a part of it? like, I’m doing something special and I’m still angry with my sister and I still need to pee and that man’s voice is still really nasal when he’s talking about his insurance policy but it’s all a part of it, a part of this big art that I’m a part of, like it’s not movie-esque or picturesque or novel-esque or perfect because no movie or picture or novel is ever going to be able to capture the ugly lovely fullness of the absolute art that is our ongoing life, and whether we feel flat or deep or happy or sad or disappointed or ecstatic or whatever, it’s all a part of it? that moment, when you feel that? pretty cool. anyway my aesthetic is probably candles or something. this went to a weird place.

tagging: @thebloggerbloggerfun, @destieldrabblesdaily, @shieldmaidenofsherwood, @iffeelscouldkill, @migglangelus, @captainhaterade, and @natmoose