#i have a life outside of discord
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i really want to make isat friends…
#in this moment…#but i’m too scared ;-;#you guys all seem rly fun n cool n sweet#i love seeing tags on my art n everyone is so so nice!!! i’d love to reach out n make friends so bad#but i’m. terrified.#my usual method of making friends is starting a private discord server#n it usually goes amazing - it’s how i met my current family and how i’ve made so many friends!!!#but i’m petrified right now. something in me broke a while back and i don’t know if it’ll fix…#i hope that… i can make one soon. maybe after i get back on my meds i’ll be okay.#but!! like. in the meantime#if anyone. wants to try ? i may be slow and scared and overly guarded bug i want to make friends#and i’ll Try if anyone feels up to reaching out? ;-; i’d appreciate it tbh!!! but no one has to!!!#i wrote myself a lil script tfgvu for a comic maybe. itll be so annoying but it’ll be a very person piece n i think it’d b good for me to#make ngl… a good look into my Twisted Mind (/s/s/s thats a joke!!!!!)#SORRY THIS IS REALLY REALLY VENTY JGUGGUG#i have difficulties my whole life with feeling like a perpetual outsider <3 i need to work on that somehow
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You’re welcome to explain your answer in the tags!
#julie and the phantoms#jatp#jatppolls#dont ask me why the number categories are like this!!! there is no rhyme or reason to them!!!#been thinking bout this for awhile now. cause it didnt occur to me that I havent watched it since i netflix party’d it with Rosie in Sept#2021… which has been… a very long time. considering in 2020 after it came out i probably watched it over 100 times in full.#there’s just something that stops me from clicking play on the show and i cant put it into words. its just this feeling i get every time my#mouse or finger hovers over the show. i also got rid of netflix this past year too but that was quite recent and i do have a copy of it on#my ipad sksjsj idk#guess im just curious if anyon else is in this weird limbo. dont get me wrong. i am still enamoured by this show but rewatching it is just#smthg i havent done in a hot minute. maybe i should make Rosie do another netflix party with me 👀#i feel like if i was more active in a discord or on tumblr i wouldve tried to watch it with mutuals but alas i am incapable of having free#time outside of work and life.#once again i am shocked that the answers are centred in the bubbles before u click on them and it bothers me?!?#alt option: i have rewatched the show aolely through gifsets 😌#sunset queue#<- queuing this for some reason. idk what the reason is.
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winter depression is here and I am ANNOYED about it
#not really a vent in tags. just bitching about it lmao#i am a creative extrovert who suddenly does not want to create or talk to people!#but i have been through this more than enough times to know that i need to start doing those things MORE#as to not get dragged into the depression spiral#and like for a lot of people it's just 'get outside more'#but my disabled ass isn't easily able to do that so it's just 'text more. discord more. draw more. read more. inside things more.'#which does work for me but is harder in some ways#i do not miss high school but at least it got me out of the house some#at least I do enjoy christmastime. i like the lights and the vibes and the winter flavors and scents of things#so i have that in the next few weeks to lean into#like idk. i know how to deal with this. i do it every year. it's more annoying than anything at this point#like. oh okay. life feels like a cloudy grey parking lot. again. it'll go away eventually.#and until then i just need to be a Normal Person About Everything if i feel like it or not#hate that feeling of going through the motions. everything is just emotional grey static
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STOP SOLLUNA ITS YOU ?????? FROM THE DOODLESPHERE SERVER ??? 😭😭😭 I DIDNT EXPECT YOU HERE
YES HELLO PRISM!!! HI!!
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posting on here is like my sisyphean boulder i'm constantly rolling tbh
#god i am trying so hard to just have fun and be myself#but when i do that i'm immediately a strange outsider creep#and since i can't really mask my version of masking is just not talking and then obviously you don’t find any joy in fandom spaces either#i will always be a shitty unlikable freak no matter how much i pretend otherwise. it was obvious from the start that getting involved in#fandom spaces was a fucking mistake. it's always a mistake because you're some laughing stock at best and a horrifying freak at worst#i don't blame people for not liking me i've realised what an awful person i am long ago#but it's always so hard witnessing something like fun social groups from the sidelines knowing you'll never be a part of it#this is why my mental state has been deteriorating so severely in the last few months. that Realisation once again nothing fucking changed#i know it's stupid to get so upset over fandom but it's only a pattern for me#i stopped trying to be friends with people when i was a teenager because it hasn't worked a single time#this attempt at integrating myself into the wotr and bg3 fandom by sharing my shit was just one mistake#gortash/zeke is so different from anybody else’s work and i wish i could find joy in something that it isn’t fucking deranged but i can’t#like yes it’s just fandom bullshit! gortash/zeke is a fucking oc x canon ship! why am i getting so upset over it!#i love writing them. i’ve never been this happy writing anything. and it’s entirely indicative of a common pattern in my life#when i earnestly share parts of myself/things i’m passionate about people get creeped out. and honestly? rightfully so#i would leave the discord servers i’m in because it’s fucking crushing me dude. this is so petty but i’m so jealous of what you people have#but in one i am server owner and i don’t want to just dump that responsibility onto someone else and then dip#and in the other two i’m not sure anyone would even notice that i’m gone but i still worry about being rude#though i’m not entirely sure i didn’t get invited to one of those just so people could laugh at me. idk probably just being paranoid but i#it’s been gnawing at me#ok no if i’m being this vulnerable on tunglr.com i can also say that part of me staying is also still having the hope that i could fit in#one day. logically i know it won’t happen but it’s nice to have hope sometimes#watching you all from through the window having fun like a creep#so yeah. i’ve always felt like this but it’s been rapidly getting worse with my failed attempt at the bg3 fandom#idk just been crying non-stop for the last few hours. went through an entire pack of tissues in an hour it’s very disgusting#they’re all lying around me as i’m typing this like a pillowfort of snot lmao#so yeah. idk. if someone could come over and lobotomise me that’d be nice. orin where are you when we need you most#i never had any friends irl so i foolishly gave this a shot. i’m sorry#also doesn’t help that i can see someone dropping me for people that are easier to be around in irl rn#it just hurts because it’s always like that. someone you are around when you have no other option at best. not even that sometimes
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.
#i have multiple discord servers for vent shit but unfortanely my sister is on all of them and i dont wanna bother her so#yeah everyone ignore this i just need to fucking explode#my mother is pissing me off so fucking much rn#she never shuts the fuck up#only cares about her own damn fucking problems#shes going on about how she cant find a book and she needs my help and im like mom#i just spilled water on my laptop can you stfu#and you know what she fucking says?#well maybe if you didnt always hide in your room with your computer#first of all im a fucking adult and istg once i have enough money im blowing this fucking stand in a heartbeat#and second of al#I WAS OUTSIDE#BECAUSE FOR ONCE IN MY FUCKING LIFE I WAS TRYING TO GET SOME FRESH AIR#IM SICK OF BEING INSIDE#BUT WHEN I GO OUTSIDE SHE CAN COME TO ME WHICH I HATE MORE#so i try to go outside for once and what does it fucking get me#well the fucking water on my computer and audio issues#which thank God i fixed but ugh am i still pissed the fuck off#and my fucking “best friend” can barely give me the fucking time of day#leaves me on delivered for days at a time#and then straight up ignores my questions and wont fucking talk to me#but oh they'll call me randomly if they need my help#like is that all i fucking am to you?#UGH#trying to breathe#im going to put on headphones and writing gay fanfiction that always cheers me up
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(Out of nowhere, you are approached by a familiar lightbulb-headed Cog.)
Ah, it's you, cat. Thinking you're oh-so-slick. Muttering and whispering under those raggedy whiskers of yours... Thinking I am unable to hear it all...
Well, you've simply underestimated my fantastic hearing. You probably want to know the reason why I'm here, taking a 'break' from my incredibly important scientific breakthroughs? It's quite simple, really!
(She gets close, and squints her eyes.)
I know what you are.
Farewell, now!
(She then leaves the way she came from.)
(Spam giggles immensely, covering her face... it always seems like she's giggling, isn't she? This lasts... at least thirty seconds. Longer than usual.)
And I know what I am too, Sparky! You broke through something, that's for sure. Really, broke through...
(She looks down, continuing to laugh nervously.)
You know, I find it odd you Havent tried to bulb blast me into the stratosphere by now. I mean knowing how you acted with Frostbite. Is there something peculiar about me that you perhaps can't quite track? Something about me that you... don't know what I am?
I know, I know, I'm talking to nobody again. But you were there when I had a moment today with the one the only Frostbite The Bravecog. You may be remaining. Lurking in the shadows. Knowing about these thoughts that I'm thinking.
(The giggling resumes, lasting far shorter this time.)
Your brother's a piece of fucking barp, by the way
(She braces for impact for a few seconds, wincing while smiling, before comically looking around to realize nobody's there. She sighs.)
Wow, okay maybe toony superhero show logic doesn't apply in this situation. Cool.
WAIT I JUST FUCKING REALIZED WHAT SHE MEANT but like. Dude if she meant that then what's the point I mean the whole ahh sellbot department barping knows unless you're Really low on the ladder. Heheh... maybe she did mean what I thought she meant.
Oh i'm so fucking screwed. What kind of bitch gets filament fever
#bright spark#<- for finding this again later. haha i called her sparky#the way she talks fucking tickles my brain so much im so . ohguohguohoghog SHE#SORRY THAT THIS TOOK SO LONG you see i was in the mindset that i would do this one little thing and then i would do my work which uh.#that leads to so so SO much procrastination. including on fun things! oh so fun things.#today was an event.#i also spent quite a bit of time ruminating i “would she really say that” is worse when shes literally you#to clarify. she is spam's aunt by like. building standards. not really in her found family. so its fucked up but as i said in discord this#is like. a “your mom's kinda hot” level crush. you know. also sorry i really wanted to say filament fever its been eating at me okay#nothing SERIOUS the way my f/os (and spam's f/os (plural now?? i guess?? if today was a canon event)) are#honestly mark still feels like the only real one with her to me but damn it. if spam's reflecting My Changes then she's Reflecting My Chang#spam in toontown unlike my other sonas is the most “its just you again” out of all of them and thats partially because her main#cog connection... is frostbite. they bounce off each other like we literally bounce off each other and damn it shes been so stagnant on her#own because of it. mark happened and she mirrored that because i kept fucking talking about him while we were in character and ideally#i should TRY to fix her. but also man because i'm not doing Serious lore stuff with her i dont. even know if i want to.#i kinda brushed it over the rug by saying that she relies on her constant entertainment so readily because she herself still doesnt feel#like she has a place outside of cogs only. sure she's in high roller backstage sure she's in allan's family now but shes not Doing anything#with herself the way that her friends are. mole's a ranger. frostbite cohosts. wishes... has chip. and something she doesn't have--#living and fully growing as a toon. rather than being haphazardly slapped into a world. and in some respects she's envious of frostbite#finding themselves so quickly because she distracts herself because she's still kinda struggling with it. despite everything. yes she lives#happy and carefree a lot of the time but she keeps buying those dumb phones because when she's truly alone... her mind starts to wander.#that's what mark is for. so that spam can dream of a world where she has a purpose. even if its fake and fragile and just nothing compared#to the great friends that she already has. where she feels like its worth it doing something when she doesn't have anyone. and in that#respect. with the goons ma allan parallels in sonboy the spam cathal parallels shine. seeking tv (and to a lesser extent games) as a#method of escapism. even when one's life is already pretty good. because there's nothing else worth doing without friends or family.#the internet isn't just cool. it gives her something to be when it seems like everyone is something but her. and maybe thats a lazy#excuse for why it seems like she doesnt HAVE anything to call her own but that but damn it i'm trying my best to twist it around.#spam has such a HISTORY yknow? even if it feels like i havent established her much.#spam is the hearts to frostbite's spades not just because they're the duo of all time but because spam's fake stupid love keeps her going#sorry i just started rambling in the tags of this post about spam it. happens. she loves her friends so much i need to reiterate that okay
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i think i might do camp nanowrimo. to get ~*~ back into the groove ~*~ of writing every day
#i've been slowly getting over my writer's block this last month or so#and i think getting back on adderall has helped push me over that last hump#i'm not feeling as motivated to write as i did like. two years ago. when i was writing 80-100k a month#i don't think i'll ever have that output again bc now i have more hobbies and actually have a social life lmao#i think i'm gonna aim for like. 30k for camp nanowrimo. 1000 words a day on average#i have two ideas i want to write. both are urban fantasy. i'm stepping outside of my sci-fi bubble for a bit#also i'm not gonna be doing the official camp nanowrimo bc of all the shit that's going down lmao. i'm participating in stuff on discord#m.txt
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tbh actually going to america made so many things abt americans make more sense to me. certain things id see said id quirk my eyebrow at and silently question but i understand now.... yall have literally everything in that country
#by “literally everything” i mean that i felt overwhelmed going to the five below.#bc ive never in my entire life seen a dollar store that had that much stuff and that wide a variety of stuff and tbh. its better quality to#you can get CLOTHES at the dollar store and they're not just stupid holiday themed t shirts?#everything is like half the price in america tht it is in canada#i bought a perfume online and it was $22 canadian#looked at the american price. $9#but seriously theres so much shit we just dont even have tht americans do#like. we dont have target so theres inherently a huge gap in shit#bc target has so many exclusive brands#we dont have five below or dollar tree#i had never heard of dave & busters outside of One discord conversation i had in 2020 prior to going to the USA#and theyre so big??? theyre SO BIG#in america you can walk five feet and there will be a restaurant or a store#obviously this is all limited to. where i visited but ykwim#there was simply so much Stuff. everywhere. everywhere there are fucking things#i found shit ive literally been looking for for years . at the dollar tree. for $1.25#I THOUGHT CANADIAN OVERCONSUMPTION WAS BAR#BAD*#I DIDNT REALIZE HOW MUCH MORE INTENSE AMERICAS IS.
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*sigh*
#if any of y’all need me u can dm me or msg me on discord of whatever#unless new shit comes out i have my opinions on the matter and all this back and forth isnt gonna change my mind#all i will say is get off twitter. take a break#maybe go roll around in the grass or soak up the sun#remind urself that life does exist outside a screen and it’s beautiful and wonderful#constantly keeping up with things like this can be draining so make sure y’all are taking care of yourselves#love u guys five ever and ever
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i need to stop attracting eggs with codependency issues who are somehow more awkward than me
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also hi just updating i'm not completely gone! i'm still here tryin to be active but ill ramble more in tags
#hal blips#college and life stuff have been piling up a LOT lately (thats what i get for being a STEM major /lh) so ive been active online way less.#if anyone truly wants to talk to me outside of tumblr just talk to me on discord!! im always open 2 talk i love talking : ]#my discord is positronnada#<- just to restate im mainly putting my discord acc here just in case nyone wants to talk if im not active on here or twitter#cuz truth be told i'm Way more active on discord than anywhere else 🤕
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hello hello! I didn't mean to vanish so suddenly but long story short, irl got demanding ( but all in good fun ) because I will be moving to the uk next week for my higher studies woohoo 🍾
#it's been chaotic as hell#trying to pack my entire life into a baggage allowance + meeting friends / family etc.#so I had to step back! might be back soon#but on a new account bc the bots have really and truly infested this space#enjoyed the time off a lot lmao it was surprising#will need time to settle into a whole ass new country ofc#this is my first time living outside my home AND it's in a place thats entirely unfamiliar to me lmaooooo#ready for all the culture shocks lets GOOO#good luck to me i am gonna bully the colonisers#ooc.#hope everyone's been well!#sorry i've been scarce on discord as well but i'll try to make a better effort to stay in touch if anyone still wants to <3
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one of my proudest achievements is that i have become The Fun Makeup & Earring Person both at school and at work
#one of my coworkers told me that when i started working there our boss asked her if she knew me yet#and when she said no our boss was like 'oh you'll know them when you see them. they always have bright makeup'#and when me and some classmates in my gen chem class were forming a smaller study group outside of the class wide discord#we were trying to put faces to names and literally everyone was like 'oh i know who A is'#'they have the pink hair and the makeup and the earrings'#like y'all. i am winning life.#i love being one of those people who everyone just knows without really knowing because of My Look#i'm gonna be such a cool weird old lady (gn) just you wait#not good omens#personal#random#fun earrings are the best#i love going to little markets and things and buying earrings from local small businesses
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Sorry if I haven't been productive in several months the demons have been fighting in my head and the one who has an attention span of a flea is fucking RELENTLESS.
#context: i have adhd and autism#also a lot of personal life shit has/is still happening#and then seasonal depression came in with the steel chair#ive been doodling here and there but i havent really posted it outside of discord and bsky#oops
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ykw?
it would be incredibly funny if crushie liked me back too late
especially when i might be starting to like someone else
#isa and the y/n experience#isa go to sleep challenge#whoever is writing my life can pull the worst joke rn /JOKING#i wonder how my life would look like as an actual shoujo manga.#i wonder how my friends would have ranked in character polls#iirc boys over flowers had that love interest poll for mc#i wonder what the results would have looked like for my life#here's crushie; cute. book and film geek. good at math. gamer. passionate abt films and cinema#and then there's squishie; also cute. squishy even. music nerd. rhythm gamer most especially into project sekai. thoughtful and caring#between both of them during my absence this semester though?#squishie's the one who has kept consistent effort in keeping touch with me outside of our triad's discord server#both have said they miss me but squishie's done more about it#he's also shared brainrots with me more#i've always appreciated squishie bestie as one of my besties but he's hittin' different lately especially after his birthday last sept 24..#Things Happened For Sure:tm:#but crushie is also a good person#when i confessed to him upfront he wanted to think about his response because knew the gravity of me saying that to him to his face#i already told him he didn't have to say it back though#i was always prepared to let go anyway#i'm way too good at goodbyes /lyr /JOKE 😂😭#PWEH enough y/nposting in the tags. i'm going to crushie's bday party later LMAAAOOO#...oh my god right his birthday is soon (today's party is an advance celebration)#anyway eepy time nite nite labyu all mwa
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