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cheesecakethots · 7 months

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Part 2 to this.

He had never been so caring for another, the guard noted. Lord Scaramouche was not the caring type, after all.

Despite that, the man had watched the lord express actual worry for you, the one huddled away in his tent as he barked orders at soldiers to find medicine, make warm soup, and heat up water. One of them had had his fingers broken for making the food too cold for the harbingers liking.

On the very few occasions the guard was permitted inside the tent, he had caught glimpses of the lord knelt beside your feverish figure in bed, the back of his hand softly resting on your forehead. If they had been any longer in finding you…

The few medics in camp were situated nearby, with any and all injuries not held by you being mostly ignored for the time being. You had barely been conscious for the past few days, slipping in and out, with some mumbled and confusing phrases leaving chapped lips.

The guard is brought out of his memories when Lord Scaramouche passes him, dramatically parting the tent covering and entering with a few quick strides. He immediately makes a beeline for your cold, limp body tucked away in bed.

Scaramouche places a hand to your cheek. His frown deepens, and you groan, glazed over eyes opening only a fraction.

“M…Mother?”

A sigh escapes him. His soulmate really is pitiful… and weak.

“… You’re safe now,” he mutters, surprised for a moment at the tinge of emotion in his own voice.

“Do… I have to help c…cook dinner?”

“No. You’ll never be doing that again.”

“Oh… okay…” A yawn leaves your throat.

“Go to sleep.”

“Can we have… chocolate later? I bought some… to share,” you murmur, trailing off until your breathing becomes light, and your eyes fully close.

The lord sighs. A shiver wracks through your body, despite the multiple animal hides you have on. He’s certain that his men have destroyed the surrounding ecosystem just to keep you warm, but, oh well.

He stands, hesitantly turning away from you. You need more blankets, maybe some more soup, anything to keep the fever from taking you away from-

Oh. His eyes widen, and he glances back to you, and then at the shaking hand pulling on his fingers.

“Don’t… leave me…”

You’re still asleep. It’s not as though you’re conscious and would know if he left, is it? It’s not as though your plea is anything more than some deluded fairytale in your mind, is it?

“I won’t.”

Curses.

Curse him, and curse you for awakening something he didn’t think he had, something in his chest that for centuries he was sure was simply an empty void of nothing.

He wants to scoff and leave you here, to tell you that he has no need for someone as weak as you in his life. He wishes he had left you tied to that tree and just kept moving, that he had never felt the touch of your skin against his own. That he had felt absolutely nothing, that he hadn’t felt a stab of fear for the first time in a long time when carrying your freezing cold body back to camp. It would’ve saved him a lot of trouble.

He doesn’t let go of your hand for a long, long while.

The next morning he leaves you alone for a short time, an hour at most. He regrets it when he comes back to you standing on two wobbly knees, the parts that make him up jolting at the sight.

“What are you doing?!”

You flinch, yelping when you abruptly turn to him and lose your balance. Hands, ones that send a feeling of static and electricity straight to your very core, are soon grasping onto you, holding you up before you can hit the ground.

“Are you daft?” The man spits out, visibly aggravated.

“Wh-What? What?”

“Get back in bed. I won’t ask you again.”

You don’t move, the sensation that comes with his touch only growing the longer the two of you stand.

“You’re… you’re…?” You whisper, eyes widening.

He pauses, the irritation in his expression dropping a little. After a beat, his lips part.

“… Yes.”

“We were in the woods, right? My village, they…”

Any softness on his face is wiped away the moment you mention your old home, and the people that resided in it. No longer waiting, he lightly pushes you back, leading you into the makeshift bed below. A blanket is soon wrapped around your quivering shoulders.

“Eat this,” he orders, pulling something out of his pocket and holding it close to your lips.

Chocolate.

“I’m not-“

“Eat.”

You tentatively take it from him, and the atmosphere grows awkward, at least for you, while he watches you chew on the rest of it.

“Thank you, it was delicious,” you tell him, truthfully. You haven’t had chocolate in a long time, as it was simply too expensive for your family to afford. Your mouth curves downwards into a frown.

“Rest.”

You don’t. You’re not sure if you can.

“My family, they let them take me. They didn’t… they didn’t stop them. They must…” A gasp is torn from you, and you meet his eyes once more. “How long has it been?”

“… Three days.”

You begin rise to your shaky feet, “I-I must go back, they’ll think that I’m-!”

He pushes you back down effortlessly.

“Are you a fucking fool?”

You can’t help but flinch at the absolute venom in his tone, but he isn’t done yet, towering over you.

“What do you think will happen if you go back, hm? That they’ll accept you with open arms, or they’ll send you right back to where I found you? Or, better yet, maybe they’ll set you alight there and then, rather than troubling themselves in having you freeze to death, they’ll instead watch you burn. Would you like to test if your family would spare you from that? Hm?”

You have never felt this small in your entire life.

“I-“

“Enough.” It appears the question was rhetorical, and your mouth closes, quickly feeling very dry.

His chest shudders with each deep breath he draws in, and he closes his eyes shut for a moment, seemingly trying to calm himself.

“Sleep. We have a long journey ahead of us. Don’t ask me anymore stupid questions,” he turns on his heel, most likely deciding that he has something better to do. However, before he fully departs, he pauses at the entrance to the tent, still not looking back at you.

“You deserve better than that village, than that family who threw you out as though you were nothing to them. Know that I do not plan on doing the same, and that you… aren’t nothing to me.”

The intimidation you feel from him dimishes when you catch sight of the pinkish tinge to the tips of his ears. He doesn’t wait for your response, swiftly departing. You miss the few words of parting he gives you, as you tuck yourself into bed.

“Besides, it’s not as though you have anything to go back to, anymore.”

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sexyandhedonistic · 2 years

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idk if you remember me saying i'd come back w/ success after learning about the law but here i am! I spent time just learning the law, putting it into my own words and applying it and holy shit, like, I won't say I didn't struggle at first, but it was the first time ever that I really had that 'click' and so much started pouring into my life. They're not HUGE (but is anything ever huge, lol) but they're so wonderful and came in when I started taking responsibility for my godhood and understanding creation is finished.

1. It's so much easier, and FUN to have a mental diet and live in the end. I worked on my self concept for this because once upon a non-existent time I was a crazy illogical and self-pitying person; who thought everything was always harder than it looks and only masters make things look easy. Not the case anymore. I am OBSESSED with recognizing my inner world as the real world and living there.

2. I also became more at peace with the people around me because I feel like I no longer have anything to prove to anyone, and now me and all my SPs (non-romantic) are closer than ever. 3. Sometimes I get all kinds of aches and pains, etc. and I also had my period around this time. I affirmed to never have pain again and had 1) zero cramps, 2) pressure and pain from choking at an odd angle (waking up) instantly vanished when it would stay with me for hours before, 3) migraines that usually mess with my vision a bit instantly faded away. Even today, I got a fever last night and woke up this morning to find I was perfectly fine! 4. Kicked my brutally destructive thoughts to the curb. I usually have some really terrible thoughts about myself that peak once a month. They get so bad that I end up losing friends, missing out on shit, hating myself overall.

5. Manifested healthier habits for my brother that was recently diagnosed with illness and previously suffered from chronic depression. The next day he's starting to keep up with his family members again, going to the gym, planning to go back to school, threw out all his unhealthy food, cleaned his apartment despite his depression causing him to neglect everything for months to actual years. 6. Manifested more/constant interaction with an SP and several communities of mine that I wanted to be more active in and more close to the people in! :) 7. Became even more beautiful and attractive, not just in appearance, but my behaviour etc. and that's led to a bunch of people (esp. men) wanting to know me and flirt with me whenever they see me (but I already have a partner haha). 8. I scripted some new desires, since I like seeing my manifestations on paper, and set the intention that they appear in my 3D overnight since I know they're already manifested. But I didn't really stick to that cause of all kinds of things happening last night but any who: this morning, my mom sent me a video of a new penthouse project in a really upscale area and it looked just like the pent I originally wanted. I asked for the official pricing and she said $300K. For the area it's in that's literally crazy, so I looked into it and found out that she was right! That particular site was going for 300K with a super low mortgage! I forgot that I desired a ridiculously low cost of living even in the wealthiest areas! But now, I realized I no longer want that penthouse, and I can manifest whatever I want without ever working a day in my life and paying for nothing, but owning everything! Right now, I want to manifest a tropical/French chateau themed mansion by the beach. 9. Mom got in an accident last night and it triggered a very big opportunity for her, which directly coincides with my desire for the people around me to always live wonderfully and get what they want. This isn't everything, and there is so much more coming to show itself in the 3D, but I think this is enough for now. Thank you for everything Hera, ilysm!!

WOWWWWW this is incredible! Congratulations, my love! I'm so so proud of you!

#submission #success story #ily2!

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uphillbothways0621-blog · 5 years

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November 15, 2018

Jax woke up with a cough this morning and was hacking all over everything. He didn’t have a fever but I decided it was best to have him stay home just in case. We left when Anthony left for school and headed to the Express. I was hoping to get some kind of kids cough medicine for Jax. The only thing they had was Zarabees and it had expired last month. I made the mistake of asking if they had any newer bottles, they searched the store and couldn’t find any. After 15 minutes of waiting-and Jax running around the store like a maniac-the lady let me know that the supervisor went to the warehouse to see if he could find any. I left and went to the library to pay for the rental chairs and tables for Thanksgiving. Back to the Exhange we went. Now they had pulled the Zarabee’s off the shelf and they wouldn’t sell it to me since it was expired (it expired last month)!!! Now what?! The supervisor suggested I go to the pharmacy (at the hospital) to see if they had any. We left the Exchange in such a hurry that I forgot to get the Grinch lollipopS-Jax didn’t forget. He reminded me all day so Joe picked some up on his way home. (The Grinch has always been my favorite Christmas movie and I’m so excited to see the new one. It’s on our agenda to see it in Hawaii on our way home!) Apparently if the Express is out of a medication you can go there to buy it OTC at the pharmacy. Or if you are active military you can always buy it there. Now it was time to come home, give Jax a dose and get to work. Not so fast. I opened the medication only to read the dosage and it said to not give to anyone under 12!!!!! I called the pharmacy thinking they gave me the wrong med-well they did but they don’t have any kids cough med-or multi-symptom med-OTC or prescription wise on the island!!!! (I had asked if I could have my doc from NJ call something in but they didn’t have anything here!). The pharmacist called the manufacturer and told me what to dose-down and give to Jax but that the medicine cup that it came with was too big and that I would need to get a syringe. They were only open until 430 and would be closed for lunch. There was no way I was biking him back up there. I asked if Ant could pick it up for me-figuring he could get it on his way home from school, I knew there was no way Joe would be able to get there on time. The pharmacist said he would make an exception and give it to Ant but that he really shouldn’t. I didn’t want him to get in trouble so I scratched that off my list of possibilities. He offered to bike it to me but I knew there was no way he was supposed to be doing that either. Thank goodness Ali had one and brought it down to me. After all that I couldn’t bring myself to give it to Jax-it just didn’t sit well with me.

We had Nina and John over for lunch today-their nanny was a no show-for the first time ever apparently. Story is that she was sick this morning and the WiFi was down so she didn’t have a way to call out. It was insanity here for lunch today with the 4 kids. Nina and John were both FaceTiming family back home in NJ at the table so Ant and I felt like we couldn’t talk-they did get an earful I’m sure of me loudly telling Jax to get down off the table and to stop throwing things. Jax was a disaster-screaming and crying. Not making excuses for him since that is pretty much status quo for him, but today I think he was under the weather and exhausted. It was draining for sure.

The boys each made a fort-Ant was doing his reading assignment inside his and Jax was on his switch.

After dinner Joe and I parked ourselves in front of the computer to try and figure out our flights back to Kwaj. Yep-we are coming back in January and will be PCS’ing in April! We will be booking the flights tomorrow so I should know dates then as well. It’s time for me to start ordering my essentials for our return-paper towels, detergent, dishwasher packets and toilet paper!! Plus I would like to get to the furniture warehouse to see if there are any regular couches down there that we can get. The ones that we have are so bad that I don’t even sit on them or watch tv downstairs except for the occasional Birds game.

Tonight we had the talk with Anthony about SC -the man in the red suit. He has been asking for a couple years now about Santa and the elves and Rudolph. He most recently started asking last week and I felt awful lying to him. Joe and I made a joint decision that it was time to have “the talk”. We didn’t want him to find out in school-we would rather it come from us. I typed him a letter explaining all of what goes on and why and that believing in SC teaches you to believe in something you can’t see or even touch. We had him read the entire letter and then talked to him about it. It was harder for us than his first day of school! I was crying and Joe didn’t have a dry eye either. Anthony took it like a champ and said “I’m a little sad but I’m glad you told me the truth”. He also said that he knew there was something “not real” about the man in red. It was a very difficult thing to do but he is old enough based on the questions he has been asking. We told him that he needs to keep the magic and believing going for his brother and friends. That everyone is ready to learn the truth at a different point and time. We also told him that he can help us with the elves that will be showing up here next week!

We decided to have a PCS party for Harry on Sunday so this weekend is going to be jam packed. Saturday Anthony has the ITTP (international thanksgiving tasting party). I am signed up for ricotta cookies-you had to pick something from your nationality, so I will bake them tomorrow. Then Joe will most likely go fishing in the afternoon. I was invited to a PSC party in the evening (kimono themed since she is moving to Japan) and there is a shaving cream social that I know nothing about but has Jax’s name written all over it. Sunday will be Harry’s PCS/send off-he is leaving on Monday. And Monday Jax has a birthday party plus we will need to recoup from the 2 days prior. It will be busy for sure!

I saw this awesome picture of our paradise on FB and had to share.

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yahjiji · 7 years

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Two days ago I bought life insurance.

About 3 years ago, my parents asked me to buy it because I could no longer be on their policy. They set everything up for me and all I had to do was call the lady and confirm everything and set up the recurring payments. I kept saying I would do it but I never had any intention of going through with it, because if I died, who even cares? I’m dead. Throw me in the ground or burn me, whatever. I’m dead anyway, I won’t be aware of how my body eventually got disposed of.

But last week, we had a seminar about our new life insurance policies. The company I work for offers free life insurance coverage up to a certain amount as long as you work there. And then they offer pretty competitive voluntary life insurance that you pay for yourself and that you can take with you even if you leave the company. I bought that one. Not because I decided to care about what happens to my body after I’m gone, but because I realized my loved ones have to continue living and I would like to make sure that just because I’m gone from this Earth, they’re still being taken care of. So I bought it. My sister is the 100% beneficiary of my policy. I couldn’t put my mom because I don’t think she’d give anything to my boyfriend. I couldn’t put my dad, well because I didn’t want to and I’m not close to him and I didn’t want him to have any power or decisions over what would happen to me. Because we basically have little to no relationship. I couldn’t just put my boyfriend, but that’s another story entirely.

Anyway, so I bought some life insurance. I’m starting to feel like an adult. I feel good. What’s a $12 monthly decrease in my paycheck anyway? Whatever. Peace of mind is worth it.

I got my new Yves Saint Laurent cushion foundation that I’ve been trying to buy for over a year. I love it. It makes my skin look radiant and it doesn’t rub off or fade away easily. I’m basically walking on sunshine these days.

I walk into work this morning. I woke up late because I’m sick. I’ve had a fever and a runny nose for over a week now. I can thank my boyfriend for getting me sick. He’s pretty much all better now, but I feel like I’m getting sicker. I almost skipped straightening my hair this morning so I could leave on time, but I did it anyway. I go through my entire skincare routine and tuck my makeup bags into my purse. I’ll just put it on when I get to the office. I go to the kitchen to grab some toast and jelly on my way out. I completely burn part of my toast. I cut off the black part, throw some jelly on it and run out the door. I don’t even put my tennis shoes on all the way. I pull into the parking lot at 7:47AM. I feel stressed because I feel like I’m late already. A guy from the factory forgot his badge and calls out to me to ask me to hold the door for him. I do. I put my bag down on my desk and clock in for the day. 7:49AM for the 3rd time in a row. I joke with my coworker how it’s fate that I clocked in at exactly the same time 3 days in a row. I grab my makeup bags and excuse myself to the restroom. As I’m walking by my coworker’s desk, he stops me and says, “I don’t mean to sound like creepy or anything but your skin looks really good today! Not like it doesn’t look good other days, but it’s really glowy today.” Yes, he actually used the word glowy. I thank him and say that I’m going to put on makeup anyway. As I’m finishing up my makeup, my boss comes into the bathroom. She’s also running late. She throws on some makeup and straightens her hair. We both laugh over the fact that we’d rather be late than not wash our hair because of our recent trauma with our most recently terminated employee. (Her hair was just not clean at all. It also kind of smelled.)

I try to concentrate on work but I can’t because my computer isn’t working. I have to reboot it twice. It’s 9:14AM. I notice the date. March 24th. It’s the 5th year anniversary of when my boyfriend sent me the text “I love you!!” (It’s a funny story for another time.) Shit. Yesterday was our actual 5th anniversary. I completely forgot. I sent him a late text message. Of course, no response. He’s probably mad. I was asleep last night when he got home and he woke me up. I got annoyed, ignored him and went back to sleep. Shit, our anniversary sucked for him. My coworker asks me to approve something in our system. I try to concentrate on work, but my mind is just not there today. I’m basically just watching the clock for lunch time.

My boss sends a message in the chatroom that contains just me, her and our other coworker (I’ll just call her Bell, it’s not her name, but whatever.). She asks if we want to sneak away for a girls lunch. Of course we do. We leave first in my car and she follows around 10 minutes later. Over lunch we talk about whatever and basically just gossip and enjoy each other’s company. She asks me “Gwen, is anything going on in your life differently? These days you’re so happy and your skin just looks really great! Anything going on?” Bell chimes in “Are you pregnant?” Unfortunately, no I’m not pregnant. I attribute the good skin to the new makeup to which my boss counters, “But I saw your skin before the makeup and it looks so bright and clear!” Thank you, thank you, but nothing really is going on in my life that’s any different. I’m just very content with my life. I’m happy with where I am in my life right now and I decided not to let stress affect my mood. I’m happy. I’m in a good place and I’m enjoying my day to day activities, even if nothing has changed. My coworkers both say they’re happy for me. That they haven’t seen me this happy or bright in a while and they hope it can last. Me too.

We get back to the office. We’re a little late. No one mentions anything about it. I grab my toothbrush and toothpaste from my desk and quickly head to the restroom to brush my teeth. I go back to my desk for like five minutes and then I go bother one of my coworkers. I return back to my desk around 1:30 and try to concentrate on my work but I can’t. My phone vibrates at 1:41PM. I got a text message. I re-read it twice before replying. Kat passed away. I can’t wrap my head around it. Is this a joke? I check her FB. It’s real. I read her husband’s post. I excuse myself to the restroom. I cried in the bathroom for almost 30 minutes before I could regain my composure and return to my desk. For the rest of the work day, I text back and forth with my best friend reminiscing on the past and remembering her. I don’t get any work done. I try to get into my myspace account to see our old pictures but I can’t get the password right. I get more upset and more frustrated. I leave work without saying goodbye. I pull into my apartment parking space. I cry in my car for another 30 minutes before finally going inside. Somehow, my apartment feels more empty.

A few hours ago, I was feeling really good about my life. I was in a good place, I was feeling happy and optimistic. I never would have imagined that I would hear that kind of news less than an hour after my declaration of how happy I was. If my life was a play, I think that would qualify as dramatic irony and my buying life insurance as foreshadowing. But my life isn’t a play and it isn’t dramatic irony or foreshadowing, it’s just tragic news that happened to come on what should have been a beautiful day.

I came home to my happy dog but I wasn’t happy. I sat down on the bed and stared at the wall for a while. Then I got on my laptop and continued to try to get into my myspace account. After a while I succeeded. By the way, it’s changed so much now it took me quite a while to figure out how it worked. I looked for our pictures. There weren’t really any. All the wall posts were gone. There was nothing there to comfort me, to drown me in our memories. I signed into my photobucket, there were only a few pictures. I remember having so many more pictures. I’m a little more honest with myself now. I’m sad, I’m hurting, I feel guilty. I can’t even remember the last time I talked to her. Did I even wish her a happy birthday last year? I can’t remember. I don’t think I did. I didn’t think that it would be her last birthday. My last chance to wish her.

If I’m being super honest with myself, we haven’t talked or been real friends for a while now. I feel worse because I’ve always thought in the back of my head, if I wanted to be friends again, we could be. All I have to do is say “hi”. She’s such a friendly, loving, forgiving person, if I just say “hi” eventually we’ll end up being just as close as before. I can go back anytime. We could be friends again anytime. But there is no more time. I lost all my chances. She was one of my best friends. She was there for me at one of my lowest points in life. When I felt alone, helpless, powerless. When I was depressed and hated myself. She was there, loving me, spending time with me, making me laugh. I needed her more than she could ever imagine. I’m so disappointed in myself. The feelings that she helped gradually remove from my life, I probably put them into hers. When she was so sick and laying in her hospital bed, not knowing if she’d make it back home or not..when she was feeling alone and powerless...when she couldn’t do anything to help herself...when she posted the hospital pictures...Instead of feeling annoyed and thinking to myself that she wants attention, I should have just given it to her. I should have comforted her. I shouldn’t have left her alone in her hospital bed. I shouldn’t have let her feel like she was alone. I shouldn’t have put so much distance between us that she no longer even wanted to try to reach out to me. And now I can’t take it back. I can’t un-close the door.

I’m not a crazy superstitious person, but when I was in elementary school I read a book. “The Best Bad Thing”. In the book it states that the Japanese believe that bad things happen in threes. Right after I heard she passed away, I kept replaying all the bad things that happened today in my head.

I woke up late. I burnt my toast. Kat passed away. (I know those things aren’t on the same level, but call me superstitious. I believe in reading the signs.)

I clocked in at the exact same time 3 days in a row. I joked about it being fate. 3. I’ve worked at my company for almost two years and that has never happened before.

The first two bad things, they weren’t horrible. Just inconvenient. In its own way, I feel like Kat’s passing was my best bad thing today. Even though I’m sad, even though I feel guilty, even though I won’t ever get over my horrible behavior towards her the last few years, it’s still a good bad thing. She’s no longer suffering. She’s no longer sick. She doesn’t have to spend her days alone in the hospital. She doesn’t have to mourn the loss of her dad anymore. She doesn’t have to get endless surgeries and treatments. They don’t have to keep opening up the same incision every few months for another treatment that won’t last. She doesn’t have to put on a brave face anymore. She doesn’t have to be strong anymore. She doesn’t have to keep telling people she’s fine and not to worry about her, when she’s not fine and she’s worried about herself. She doesn’t have to spend any more holidays in the hospital. She can just rest easy.

And that is what I’m the most thankful for right now. Even if she died hating me (which I doubt, because I don’t think she could ever truly hate anyone), I’m so grateful that she could finally find some peace.

And in repentance for all the wrongs I have done to her over the years, all my prayers before bed will include a prayer for her family. They have suffered so many losses the past few years.

#i'll probably private this later

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crispywagonshoeegg-blog · 5 years

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Chapter 6

Lost in the West

Chapter 6 – Voices of the Past

The sound of laughter and singing fills the air with a heavenly call from the brightness of the sun. Everything felt so real, the smell of pies cooling on the window ledge and off to the side a few feet away from the house were bed sheets drying on the line. I couldn’t tell if this was real or if this was nothing more then a mere dream.

The sound of my children’s laughing filled the air around me, I looked around and couldn’t see a single soul around me. I found myself standing just a few hundred yards away. My daughter runs up to me from my right and grabs me by the arm and leads me inside of my once lively homestead.

“Daddy, Daddy’s home.”

The voice echos through the air with a weird ripple, like that of a stone beinging skipped across a pond. Slowly, I walked up the stairs and placed my hands on the railing. Everything felt so real and alive. I don’t know what happened or how I came to be here. But one thing for sure is I didn’t want to leave.

I stood on the porch and looked around the place for a few moments. Then I noticed that the blue sky slowly began to grow with an over cast of lightly gray clouds. I took a moment and thought to myself for a moment and slowly turned around and walked inside the house. Standing in the parlor room, I could feel my heart race with such intensity that at any moment I could leave my body and venture towards the great abyss. I wanted to cry, I wanted to collapse to my knees and thank the heavenly father of what was happening to me here today.

“Are you okay?” The voice of my once living wife asked.

Fighting back the tears and not knowing just what had happened, I began wondering if everything that I’ve experienced over the past time was real or not. Nothing felt real to me at this moment. Was it all a dream? Was it brought on by a fever? I don’t know for sure, but I could not allow myself to go back.

“Yes, I am now.” I said.

“Well good, case dinners almost ready.”

“Dinner?” I asked.

While I walked through the chilled house, every step I took felt more and more as if I was wandering through an ice house. I felt weak, I felt as if every step I took brought me closer to the unknown.

I kept having to tell myself just how insane this was. That this couldn’t be real, every ounce felt as if I was back home, but how could this be? Everyone was dead, everyone has long since been dead, and how can they be here with flesh and blood?

I was taken back when I saw my son running past me and racing towards the kitchen. Within a few moments I saw my wife with her hands full, holding a pot with he apron, and placing it on the table.

“No running.” She said with a raised tone.

I slowly walked towards the kitchen and stood in the entrance way. The warmth of the fire made it unbearable but I wasn’t going to leave for a second.

Making my way over to the kitchen table and taking my seat, I gently brushed the surface of the table with the palm of my hand. This of course draws the attention of my family. While I’m doing this without noticing that I’m being watched. I paused for a second and looked around to my astonishment that I hadn’t woke up yet.

“Feeling okay?” My Wife asked.

“What? Yes, yes I am.”

She smiles and sends the kids out to the well and fetch some water for dinner. As she picks up the old wooden bucket from the floor and hands it to them, they both run out happy. As if they love doing this sorta thing. Though, a part of me always worried about them falling down the well, kids and wells especially young ones it’s always in the back of your mind.

“What day is it?” I asked, wondering if I was dreaming or not.

“Never you mind that. Just relax, you’ve had a busy day, and you deserve some rest.” She said, as she sat on my lap and gave me a kiss on the lips.

I exhale slowly and everything felt so real. Everything, felt like it was actually happening. My mind began racing with questions. Was this real? Was I dreaming? Had everything up to this moment been the recent of a fever brought on by a bee sting or that of a touch of sun stroke?

“You seem so distant today.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I just don’t feel so good, probably just a touch of something.”

“Well, you better get better here quick. We got church tomorrow.”

“Church? Church, yeah, we do have church in the morning.”

“Don’t tell me you forgot now?”

“No, no, of course not.”

“Now mister, I know you’ve been working up a storm out there. But take a break. The kids still expect you to take them fishing here soon.”

Just as she said that, the kids both enter the kitchen both gripping the near full bucket of water.

“We didn’t spill a drop.” My son said.

“Well, I wouldn’t be saying that.” Our Daughter responded with.

“So Pa, when you going to take us fishing?”

“Yeah?”

I sat there with a grin on my face and before I could answer the bucket of water was knocked over. By who? I can’t answer that question as I look down the racing water spreading itself thin on the wooden floor.

I stood up and pushed my chair in and as I look over to my children, I see a look of absolute horror. As their flesh has turned a pale blue and soon they began to rot before me like that of a horse left to fester in the sun. The stench of death quickly swept through the air and soon they faded away before me. Not knowing how to handle this, I shouted in vein to God himself for this not to happen. My entire life, my entire existence was for them and now they had retreated back into the crypt of cold Earth.

“They died and you did nothing.” My wife shouted at me.

I shook my head in disbelief and soon I was alone in the kitchen, all alone with all my thoughts, and as the room slowly faded to black. I was standing outside.

A cold breeze cut through the land as I looked around and found myself alone in the middle of nowhere. Resting before me were three tombstones, three tomb stones for three bodies. It wasn’t my fault I told myself, it wasn’t, they didn’t die because of me. I tried telling myself, I tried doing anything in the hopes of bringing me out of this. But I was flooded with so much emotions that I couldn’t save myself from this moment in time.

While standing alone a cold hand firmly gripped my shoulder causing me to jump back in fear. There, standing before me was my wife. Looking as sickly as she did the moment before she passed. Her voiced sounded the same as the moment we first met.

“Alan, we will never stop loving you.”

“What in the hell is happening?” I replied.

“Just your mind running wild on you. Now, before you wake up, don’t forget to keep your head down.” She said with a smile.

And as quickly as she appeared, she quickly vanished before my eyes, and suddenly I found myself back sitting around the fire. Holding my empty plate and with no explanation to what happened. Truly, it could be said that what I experienced was nothing more heat exhaustion or perhaps I was given a sign. But whatever caused it, I hope it doesn’t happen again.

Posted onApril 23, 2019CategoriesOregon TrailTagsWestern,cowboys, OregonTrail, HistoricalFiction, HIstorical,Oregon, TrailLeave a commenton Chapter 6 – Voices of the Past

Chapter 5 – Galloping Through the Tundra

Traveling through the unknown landscape of the land and feeling a tickle in my throat that only water could fix. I looked over to Alla and asked her to give me a cup of water from the old worn out barrel resting in the back. In a blink of an eye, she was in the back scrambling like a chicken with its head cut off, until she reached down for the old metal cup, scooping half a cup of water she hands it to me. Slowly, not wanting to spill a precious drop I finish the water and thank her kindly.

Not thinking anything of it, she found the dress I bought for her laying on top of the pile of dried goods I recently purchased. She feels the fabric with her fingers and she lets out a sign so loud I was able to hear it from my seat.

“Where did you get the dress?” She asked.

“Well now, I noticed all you had were the clothes on your back. I figured a lady like you needs to have something nice on rather than what you have now. No offense ma’am, if you are connected to it forgive me then.”

“No, no, not at all.”

“Try it on. You deserve it with all that has happened to yeah over the days.” I replied.

“No peeking now.” She said.

I give off a chuckle and ensure her that I never would cross that line. Minutes pass as she gets changed and stepped out to her sot on the bench. She looked as if she belonged from a group on the higher end of society.

Her face was as red like that of a rose, she couldn’t believe at the good generosity that had fallen upon her path. I didn’t want to say anything about it as her expression was all I needed. I had the feeling that with her beauty and how she carried herself that the attention of most men was always something she attracted. So much so it probably became an annoyance to her and her daily routine.

The Preacher gives off a whistle and compliments Alla on her lovely new dress.

“You sure look pretty enough for Church in that dress ma’am.” He says as he tipped his hat.

All smiles and gave off a laugh as she thanks him for his response. While we made our way through the dust world that we allowed ourselves to become tangled in. As the hours dragged on, we were all growing hungry with every inch we took and soon the general discussion turned towards what was on the menu.

Now, this was nothing generally new to be speaking of, though we had our supplies, and could live a week on them until he would have to hunt or gather, My finances were on the lighter side. At this point potatoes and bread maybe all we have to eat until we reach the coast. Though I would consider myself a pretty good shot and the thought of gutting an animal would fall on someone else as I didn’t wish to stain my clothes.

A general agreement was made that Alla would prepare us a fine meal with limited supplies. Though she said she wanted to cook for myself and the Godly Preacher, we both agreed that we found the perfect spot to stop for the time being near a few lively trees dancing in the gentle breeze.

“I’m so hungry I could eat a shoe.” The Preacher said with a chuckle.

“I couldn’t agree more with yeah,” I said.

“You boys are going to love what I’m going to make.”

“Really?” I said with a grin.

“My Pa loved it when I would make this for him back when he was working on the farm. Give me some time and you’ll all be happy.”

The Preacher and I leave her alone for a little bit, while she prepared the fire and began setting up her area. She worked like a mad woman, moving so fast one would think she was possessed by a demon. Not even breaking a sweat she sliced some eat and was already frying it over the small fire. The aroma of the meat cooking was something to make one drool over.

While I decided to take a little walk around the area in the hope to stretch my legs and to be alone with my thoughts.

I walked around the rough and dusty terrain, looking at the world around me void of a town, a ranch, or even a single sign of human presence. The silence that filled my soul and being with such a cluster of emotions is now void and empty. I could wander around here like Moses in the desert, but what would the point be? Eternal peace? Not having to deal with loss? I can’t honestly say, but I feel like there is a part of me that wants nothing but the silence of death to take hold of me. That’s why I do what I do, I don’t care if I live or die, but what I do care about are those two misfits over there. One being a woman who was a punching bag for some unworthy man and a Preacher, who loves his drink and could do no wrong with God on his side.

Then there’s me, someone who lost everything he’s worked for within a month. Thirty days, that’s all it took to bring down my world and here I am. Funny how quickly one’s life could crumble into a pile of sand in no time. My mind slowly began to race and while I was being flooded with all sorts of memories, the world began to grow dark and soon I found myself sitting at the kitchen table.

A roast chicken sitting on the table, three plates set, and the chairs are pulled out. I sit in the silence looking around and soon discover everyone’s gone, except for me. In the distance upstairs I can hear coughing from the kids. Everything slowly fades to black and soon I find myself standing in my kid’s room that they shared. Void of life, not a single sign of anyone living here in quite some time. I stand perfectly still and soon I find myself standing in the middle of nowhere. In a matter of a second, I’ve traveled across this nation.

“Lunch is ready,” Alla shouted.

Without a moment to spare I made my way back to our temporary homestead. The aroma of bacon was a beacon of hope for my stomach, it made me feel alive for the first time and I knew the moment I took my seat and dug in, that for a single moment the world would be right. That’s what happens when you eat such small portions but it’s worth it in the long run. Being able to survive and being able to live to see another day is all someone like me wants.

Alla gave me my plate with some fried bacon and a cup of water, it’s not much but its honestly one of the finest meals I’ve had on this forsaken journey. While in a few bites I was finished and soon as the meal was digesting, I began to wander through my mind. This is something I try my hardest to withhold these moments from happening. But ever since I bought the dress for Alla, I can’t seem to help myself, and so without trying too hard, I found that I was back home.

Posted onApril 21, 2019CategoriesOregon TrailLeave a commenton Chapter 5 – Galloping Through the Tundra

Chapter 4 – Reaching the Mission

While the sun rose above the barren wasteland of the unknown tundra that is this God forsaken trail. I awoke from my sleep to the aroma of black coffee being poured into a metal cup. Slowly, I open my eyes to discover Alla pouring coffee for the Preacher. I slowly get up and stretch my back. Getting to my feet, I look around and see the sky is a crisp blue and the sun is giving off a vast amount of warmth.

“Morning Alan,” Alla said to me with a smile.

“God bless you.” The Preacher said.

“Morning everyone,” I respond with.

“You want some coffee?” The Preacher asked.

“Yes, with whatever food is left.”

“Bacon it is,” Alla responds with a smile.

I sit down and am handing a cup of coffee and a plate of crisp bacon from Alla. She gives me a smile that a wife would give a husband. But, I don’t show any emotion as I’m already spoken for. I can never leave the past die, I have to keep it alive by any means necessary. The moment I forget is the moment they all fade away and I can never allow myself to forget them. If I do for a split second I will have no choice but to end it all. That’s what I promised them, that’s the promise that I will live with until the end of time. May the bastard God pay for what had happened within that month’s time. If I were a soldier in the army of the light I would end everything by giving my life to seek vengeance.

I have no issue with taking someone’s life if it means I’m one step closer to finding the meaning of life. I sip my coffee and eat some of the bacon. As the grease soaked meat fills my stomach and the black coffee fills my mouth with a sense of existing. I for one will no longer allow myself to love anyone or anything more then what I have for breakfast. Usually, one meal a day is all I need to sustain my existence.

As I finish my meal, standing up, and making my way into the Godless opening of the land that has taken more lives than the Devil himself. Here I was standing before the gates, looking through at all the possibilities. Not knowing exactly what I’d find, but knowing that I’d find something great.

“Get ready everyone, we’re pulling out,” I said with a voice that would command an army.

Within a matter of ten minutes, everything was packed and we were ready to go. I climbed up the wagon and took the reigns of the two horses who spent most of their time resting and plucking the grass. As the Preacher rode alone and Alla decided it would be best for whatever reason to join me up front. I placed a barrier between us, I didn’t want to make Amy jealous at the fact someone else was taking her place. These thoughts filled my mind as I felt like a lost soul wandering around the fields of death. This is something that I always had felt, everyone was always testing me and that’s when the world around me needed to be muted.

“You don’t mind do you?” Alla asked.

“Why would I ever care?” I responded with.

She exchanged a grin with me and soon we were on our way towards the unknown frontier that was our latest destination. The sun rose high over the top of us and so as we traveled across the supposed great frontier we soon went for hours without seeing a single soul and soon the large wooden poled fence that surrounded the large town surrounded by nothingness. was the only island of hope within the sea that was this prairie. It went by the name of Whitman Mission.

As we pulled through the open gates of the mission that worked for the supposed Lord, we traveled at a slow pace waiting to see if we could gather the much-needed funds to purchase what we needed in the hopes of sending Alla along her way. So that she could be reunited with her family. But God only knows just when or even if this will take place.

A part of me doubts that anything will come out of her finding her mother, I doubt she’s even still alive but who am I to dash the dreams of the poor girl. But whatever I think it doesn’t matter and so here we are two wagons, slowly inching our way through the mission there are makeshift shacks strewn about, the sorta with poor quality wood with canvas tops and entrance ways. A general store lays off to the side while in the center of the small hamlet stands a permanent structure, that being of a Church.

Looking over to our surroundings I can see man families wandering about, many wearing their Sunday best, and while the surrounding buildings are that of temporary shops. The look on the Preacher’s face is one of complete joy as if this place was founded just for him and those who share his beliefs.

Seeing enough room to pull off the beaten path, I do just that and so does the Preacher follow, and as we come to a complete stop, I hope off the wagon and make my way over to the boardwalk. While the Preacher and Alla soon join me, we make plans to meet up after a bit of time. My compass leads me towards the General store. While the others go about their business. The faint choir of four grown men, wearing red striped coats and matching Boater hats. They were in the middle of the song “Consider the Lilies”. While the group sang it with such spirit and love for what they were doing. A small group began to gather and enjoy the singing of the four.

While the song came to an end, the group of watchers began to separate, and soon I was alone with them. There I saw a small wooden box which had a collection of coins and since they’ve performed such a lovely ballad, I figured why not do my part and reached into my pocket, and dropped a penny which made a satisfying sound.

“Thank you, mister.” One of the young men said.

“No, thank you. That song was great. You four have some talent.” I replied.

Soon, I began to set my journey towards the General store, while the entrance way was wide open, and in it was nothing more than a vast collection of supplies. Everything from Coffee to shipping luggage and I’m pretty sure they may also sell coffins.

“Howdy stranger, what can I do you for?” Said the middle-aged shopkeeper.

He was wearing brown slacks, a nicely pressed white dress shirt with suspenders and followed by a leather apron.

“Howdy, I’m heading west and looking for some supplies to get me through the journey.”

“Oh, a traveler eh. Where you headed?”

“Just to the coast,” I replied.

“Not searching for wealth? Well, wealth is overrated anyways.” He said with a chuckle.

“That’s right. Now, I only have ten dollars, now what can I get with that?”

“Well…if you’re looking just for food you can buy some dry goods and some ammo. That’ll just be a few dollars. Now, may I suggest you buy some extra clothing. Something from wool? Don’t want to be left stranded with nothing to wear especially if you get wet.”

“Sounds good.”

“Perfect, give me a few moments and I’ll ring you up. Take your time and look around, never know what you might just find.”

“Thank you kindly.”

As he begins to get everything ready and wanting to take some time to wonder about. I stumble across a rack of women’s dresses hanging on display. Sifting through the many different bland colors of dresses, I stumble upon something that Alla might enjoy. Since she has nothing else to wear, it would be nice to have an option.

“Sir.” The Shopkeeper said with a pleasant charm.

Quickly, I take the dress and walk up to the counter, and there I see above the shopkeeper a row of whiskey.

“This dress too and a bottle of whiskey,” I said.

“Very nice selections if I may say so. You and the misses looking to have some fun?” He said with a grin.

“No, no, just getting these for some friends.”

“Generosity makes the world go round.” The Shopkeeper said. “That’ll be five dollars and forty-one cents.”

I hand him the exact amount and he wraps everything into several boxes and hands them to me. We say our goodbyes with a nod and soon I walk out of the store and load everything out to the wagon.

“There you are,” Alla said as she has a smile was upon her face.

“Yes ma’am, I think we are all ready to go. Where’s the Preacher?”

“Don’t know, he wandered off while I was window shopping.”

“Great,” I responded with.

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cliveboney · 6 years

Text

hhhhhh

im tryin to get over this & move on w/ my life so maybe making a post abt it will help

so i applied for a zine a while ago (well like. 2 weeks ago) bc i’ve never been part of one & i thought it might be cool (also free copy + $$ right yell heah yeehaw). from the beginning i wasn’t really expecting too much like im just basically like “it won’t hurt to just apply & see what happens”

so i spent a bit of time gathering up some recent pieces to put in my “”portfolio”” so i could send it over because like. applications were open but there was like a week until the deadline to send yours so i took advantage of that to finish up some drawings i’d been working on etc (that’s why i was suddenly super active on my art blog for like a week lmaoo)

Anyway i did all that & put it in my portfolio & then submitted it the day before the deadline & it was all taken care of, time to wait. the next step was for the organizers to post the list of accepted artists, so they did that & i checked & unfortunately i didnt make the cut which is like. cool, fine, i wasn’t expecting much anyway, right? they had a ton of applicants so chances were slim, etc etc

not gonna fuckin lie to myself tho ok i rly did want to be a part of the project & i was pretty proud of the things i had worked on in preparation for the application & yea i did think i had a p decent chance li ke i obvs didn’t know who i was up against & it could’ve totally been a bunch of amazing artists who blew me out of the water but i felt like my stuff was at least. u know. nice to look at

anyway i didnt get in & i was like rip & the organizers were like “we’re gonna send out emails to everyone including those who weren’t accepted” & i was like ok cool at least this way i’ll know for sure they got my entry

except. i never got an email?? they were like “we’ll send them out today/tomorrow” & it’s been almost a week now & i haven’t gotten anything so now instead of moving on like i’m supposed to be doing i keep thinking about what if my entry didn’t go through, does this mean i actually did have a chance but some random error prevented it from happening? they had so many entries & there was so little time between the deadline for submissions & the announcement of the artist list, did they really look at all the entries, or did they stop before they got to mine? did i fuck this up by waiting too close to the deadline, ensuring that my work never even got considered? but if i had submitted early i wouldn’t have had any examples of my current work to show, and my art has definitely changed since the last time i posted smth i was actually proud of so it wouldn’t have been good to submit at that point anyway

im just fucking overthinking everything & it’s so. ugh. and im literally /literally/ the worst person for doing this, but i did look at some of the accepted artists & i did compare my work to theirs & i absolutely did feel like mine could have easily been accepted over theirs but then again i have the creator’s point of view i dont know what my art actually looks like, maybe it looks like shit maybe it looks dumb as hell with weird proportions & unintentional warping that just makes it so goddamn ugly no one wants to look at it & that’s why all the things im proud of never get reblogged, who knows!!

i don’t know what the organizers’ criteria for judgement was & i dont know what precisely they were looking for all i know is i didn’t get into the thing i rly wanted to get into & im upset abt it despite my best efforts not to be & i wish i could just move on and try again next time but that was literally the only time i’ve ever seen a call for applications to a zine, i have no idea how tf people actually find these things because the only way i ever find out about them is when they’re done and being advertised to sell so even though i know it’s not the case this felt like a special one-time opportunity which is making the rejection feel even worse & im just overall rly mad abt this bc i went into this so casually & somehow came out so unhappy

i just wish i could forget about it & get on with more important things in my life like hmm maybe the one month i have left to catch up in my classes & not fail them both like uhhh this shitty 90 second animation for this shitty piece of shit class that someone somehow tricked whoever’s in charge into labeling an “animation class” for which neither of those words apply as there is teaching of neither animation nor any other fucking thing in the entire universe going on during what i like to call the Three Hell Hours, each referred to respectively as “i woke up this early and walked this far and climbed this many stairs for This”, “holy shit it’s only 9 am how”, and “just 55 more minutes until i can get the fuck out of this time trap and spend the rest of the day trying to figure out if this moment right now even happened or if it was all a terrible fever dream that i had while really spending the morning actually asleep”

this got away from me, it’s well past midnight, im tired and not happy ok, today was a bad day for no reason, just generally a shit day, i gave a presentation on my half-assed painting project today which was about aromanticism & ended up telling my class im aro which didn’t seem like a big deal at the time & probably isn’t in the long run but for some reason i’m regretting it big time now like i feel like i shouldn’t have been so casual like that with a bunch of strangers & i was trying to explain the project but people were confused bc i forgot that most people don’t even distinguish between romantic/sexual orientation & people know basically nothing abt aromanticism bc nobody ever talks about it except sometimes on the internet and hhhhhh it went fine and all but i feel retroactively uncomfortable at having been so open about myself in front of a bunch of people who Don’t Get It man what a wakeup call after having been online w/ people who do get it for so long

my only consolation is that i have a friend in that class who Gets It & she’s like. my one support in that class, she said i handled it well so that was reassuring at least. but god. i can’t wait for the semester to be over so i never have to go back & face those people again lolllool godddddddd

anyway that’s all the venting i want to do for now lmfao sorry about this i just. hohjhj

#text posting #vent post #negative /#i didnt reread this so it's complete trash don't read it im the worst

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