#i guess it helps if you’re a bit extroverted and shameless | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dalamjisung · 4 years

Text

nobody else ❊ mark tuan

word count: 6341

genre: angst, fluffy ending

pairing: reader x mark tuan

description: He saw something in you. You saw that same something in him.

[Trigger Warning: this story has a brief mention of psychological manipulation and psychological abuse.]

“Hey Y/N!”

“Y/N! How was your summer?”

“Looking good, Y/N!”

You laugh, making your way to the coffee shop to meet your friends. Waving and smiling back, you can’t help but remember last semester, when barely five people knew who you were. Safe to say, things are more interesting now. No one really knows what happened over the summer, but you came back renewed; new hair, new clothes, new person. You suddenly started joking more, talking more, laughing more. Some speculate you got a boyfriend, but most boys refuse to believe that. Others say you traveled the world, and even you laughed when you heard that. You wish you had the money to travel the world.

It’s been almost a month now, and you went from nobody to the girl everyone wants to know. Your friends laugh, not giving it much attention, and you let them; it’s not like they need to know, anyways. Hyejin and Byulyi asked for a while, but after so many failed attempts, they just gave up like everybody else. There’s no point in asking if you’re not ready to tell them… so they just let you be.

“Y/N!”

You walk in the shop, relieved to see your girls. The thing about suddenly being known from one day to the next is that people know your name, but they don’t know you; so most of the time you hear someone calling you, it’s because they want something– a favor, your notes, an information. In a month you became the go-to girl for small things like that, and although it is a little tiring, you didn’t really care. People know you exist now. They remember you.

And yet, hearing your name coming from Hyejin’s mouth is like a breath of fresh air– every time.

“How are you, my love?” She hugs you tightly and you feel like you could cry. “You have blue paint in your hair.”

“Oh,” You laugh, tying your hair back in a ponytail, trying to hide the mess you made during class. “I’m good, babes. How are you?”

“Good now that you’re here,” She winks and you sit down next to her.

“Yah, this way I’m going to get jealous,” Wheein complains, moving to sit next to you, too. She drapes one arm around your shoulders and pulls you to her. “You’re my love, too.”

“Ah, it’s okay,” You kiss her cheek. “There’s love for everybody, right here.” You point to your heart, laughing as both of then raise their eyebrows.

“Oh, we know,” Hyejin says. “You’ve been giving it out to everyone now.”

“It was her summer glow-up,” Wheein jokes. “Everyone wants a piece of our Y/N, now. We have to protect her, Hyejin-ah.”

“You guys are crazy,” You say, drinking from Wheein’s coffee. “And that’s why I love you.”

“We love you too–“

“Y/N!”

Your body instantly tenses once you hear the high pitched voice calling out for you. Sighing, you turn around and look for her– Sumi.

“Hey,” You say, trying to use all the excitement in your body. It isn’t much. “How are you doing, Sum–“

“I need a favor.”

“Of course you do,” Wheein scoffs. “When don’t you need a favor?”

“Aish, that’s not true,” Sumi chuckles shamelessly. “Y/N and I are friends, aren’t we?”

Do it. Just do it, Y/N, you think to yourself, nodding at her.

“What’s up?”

“Mark broke up with his girlfriend,” She whispers, as if it is a secret.

You know that already. It was the talk of the campus for about a week when you came back, but then the focus quickly changed to you, and that’s when you met Han Sumi. The stereotype of a ‘school princess,’ she was quick to understand that if she was nice, you’d be nice too, and since then, asking for favors is all she does. You might’ve been quiet before, but every single student knows about Sumi obsession with Mark Tuan; she’s been trying to get with him ever since freshman year and now that he’s available, you’re guessing she’s back on her game.

“No way… really?” You feign surprise. “Hadn’t heard!”

“It’s true!” She squeals in happiness. “Minho told Sunwoo and he told Juyeon who told me! Mark is single again!”

“That’s… something,” You mumble, trying to exclude yourself from this inevitable situation.

“Definitely,” She winks. “So can I count on you?”

“M-me?” You are actually surprised, this time. “I’m sorry Sumi, but I don’t know Mark…”

“Impossible,” She laughs. “You know everyone.”

“Not everyone,” You sigh. “I really never talked to Mark before, Sumi.”

“Hm,” She frowns. “Really?”

“Yeah…”

“But you know Jackson, right?”

You’re doomed.

“Yeah, but–“

“Then ask Jackson to help me!”

“Why don’t you ask him yourself?” Hyejin scowls at her. “Y/N has better things to do then tending to your failed love life.”

“Look who’s talking, I bet you’re only friends with her because you want som–“

“Yah!”

Wheein holds Hyejin by the arms, pulling her back down.

“Sure, I’ll try and talk to Jackson,” You say, quickly trying to make her go away. “I can’t promise anything, though.”

“Ah, I knew I could count on you!” Sumi hugs you. “I’ll see you later then!”

“Yeah, yeah, goodbye,” You chuckle uncomfortably and watch her leave, turning to your raging friend. “Are you insane?!”

“I’m going to kill her,” Hyejin promises, and you shiver, the intensity in her voice getting to you. “I promise you, one day, I’ll drag her by her fake hair and–“

“Okay, okay, we get it,” Wheein rolls her eyes. “You’ll destroy her blah blah blah.”

“NO,” Hyejin shouts, clearly frustrates. “It’s not just ‘blah blah blah.’ This drives me insane! People coming over to ask Y/N for favors and then pointing fingers at us. I’ve known her since middle school and it kills me that I have no clue what the fuck happened this summer. It kills me to have to watch you let yourself be used like this.”

“Hyejin-ah–“

“I’ll see you guys later.”

She marches out the door before you can say anything, and you understand why– it must be really frustrating to be kept in the dark by your best friend. She is upset, you know that much; but telling her everything would only upset her further, and you don’t see a need for that.

Ever since you guys started hanging out Wheein and Hyejin were the extroverted, confident ones. They always protected you from anyone with ill-intentions. It’s not that they think you’re weak, but they rather protect you then watch you suffer.

Ah, you think to yourself, allowing your head to fall on your hands in defeat. You can’t protect me from this, Hyejin-ah…

“It’s alright,” Wheein pats your back affectionately. “You know how protective she is. She’ll call in an hour or two and everything will be okay.”

“Will it be okay, though?” You whisper to yourself. “I’m not sure it will…”

“Hey, don’t say that; Hyejin loves you more than anything in the world.”

“And I love her,” You mumble, sensing the guilty feeling crawling back through your body. “I will be okay. I have to.”

“Wha–“

“I gotta go, Wheein-ah,” You smile widely, and the suddenness of it all leaves your friend startled. “Love you!”

Grabbing your bag, you run out the door, to the only place you think he could be.

“Jackson Wang,” You mumble to yourself. “You’re the only one that can help me now.”

———————————

Just as you thought, there he is. Star athlete Jackson Wang could always, at all times, be found at the basketball court. Your relationship with him, weirdly enough, began before this summer. He found you crying your eyes out at the benches and approached you to make sure you were alright. After talking for a while, he took you to a nearby dinner and bought a milkshake in exchange for knowing what happened; so you told him. It had been a rough day and things at home weren’t the best, so you decided to cry it out somewhere no one you know would find you. In the end, you walked out of there with a lighter conscious and a new friend.

“Yah, Seun-ah!”

All heads turn to you, but you’ve learned how to not flinch anymore. You’re okay with people looking at you. Actually, you prefer it that way.

“Y/N!”

His baby giggle reaches your ears and you can’t help but laugh with him, basking in his glee. You’ve never seen someone so uplifting as Jackson; he could make you feel a thousand times better by just smiling at you.

“What are you doing here?” He asks as he hugs you tightly.

“Missed you,” You pout, laying your head in his sweaty chest. A lot of people speculated about you two, not really knowing where to categorize you– friend or girlfriend. Truth is, you’re more like family.

“Liar,” He teases and pulls back, holding your shoulders. His eyes find yours and you know you’re doomed, you can’t ever hide anything from him. “Hyejin called me.”

You sigh. “It’s not as bad as she makes it sound…”

“Yeah, it’s worse,” Jackson scoffs. “Dealing with Sumi is exhausting, but you do it, regardless. None of us knows why, and you won’t tell us, so don’t get mad once we get worried.”

“I’m not mad, just frustrated,” You explain. “Sumi asked me to talk to you about Mark. Didn’t he break up with his girlfriend like… four months ago?”

“Yeah, but I don’t think we should about this here,” He laughs a bit uncomfortable with the situation.

“It’s fine, I’ll just come up with an excuse for her,” You shrug. “I don’t know your friend, but from the little you told me, it sounds like it was bad.”

“Ye–

“It was.”

You look behind you at a sweaty boy in a purple sleeveless shirt. His curly dark hair is falling on top of his eyes, but you are familiar with the pain hidden behind it– abandonment. You just nod at him, a form of recognition, and he nods back.

“You’re Y/N,” He says, not really sounding like a question, but more like a guess. “Jackson talks a lot about you.”

“That’s me,” You smile sheepishly. “And you’re Mark.”

“The one and only,” He chuckles, offering you his hand to shake.

“Heard a lot about you,” You wiggle your brows in a shameless way that would have never crossed your mind, a few months ago.

“Oh, Jackson,” Mark teases. “Didn’t know you love me that much.”

“She means Sumi.”

Mark goes from happy to sour in a second. “She’s still insisting on that?”

“You know?!” You gasp.

“Of course I know,” He sighs, looking more tired now then when he was playing basketball with Jackson. “I’m pretty sure everyone knows.”

“Yeah…” At this point, you are clearly uncomfortable, not really sure about how to proceed; should you call Sumi and tell her that she should abort the mission? Should you just drop this issue? “I’m sorry she keeps bothering you. I’ll tell her you’re not interested, and I hope she leaves you alone, then.”

“Thank you, but this is not your problem to fix,” He smiles and for a second, you are speechless. It is almost as if Mark instantly took a weight off of your shoulders, and you feel lighter than you have in weeks. “I’ll talk to her myself.”

“Are you sure?” You ask, giving him an opportunity to change his mind… and to be honest, you are kind of hoping he would; then, he’d be just like everybody else, always asking.

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

What do you do when someone is finally giving, though?

———————————

“You!”

You turn around just to see an angry Sumi marching towards you.

“What did you tell Mark?!”

“Mark talked to me today,” Sumi says and her smile suggests anything but happiness. “Told me you talked to him.”

“And?”

“And he also told me, and I quote,” She scoffs. “‘You and I will never happen;’ so fess up, what did you tell him?”

You gulp. You can’t believe Mark did that, even though it now comes to your mind that you don’t know Mark at all.

I thought he was different, you think to yourself, frowning. Could this be why he didn’t let me talk to Sumi? To blame me?

“I didn’t say anything, Sumi,” You feel awkward, the kind of awkward one feels when they are telling the truth that no one will believe. “Mark is still feeling pretty down because of his–“

“I was the first one to start talking to you after your… makeover,” She seethes, whispering into your ear. “You were nobody. You could disappear and no one would notice– until I put you on the map. My mistake, for trusting someone like you, I guess. But hear me, Y/N, once people know you, they don’t forget anything about you.”

“Sumi–“

“See you late,” She fake smiles and leaves.

Not sure about how long you stand there, only when Wheein finds you that you collapse, legs faltering and eventually giving up on you. It’s been months since you felt it– the rush in your blood, the lack of air on your lungs, the buzzing in your ears; almost two months, to be exact, ever since the new semester started. The new you.

“Y/N!” She shouts, kneeling next to you. “Are you okay?”

“C-call Jack– Call Jackson,” You beg, in between deep breaths. “I can’t bre– Wheein, I can’t breath, I can’t breath, I can’t– Jackson… Jackson can help.”

“Okay,” She quickly dials your friends number. “Jacks! It’s Wheein… Where are you? Y/N’s having a breakdown, I’m not sure what’s happening, but I think it’s an anxiety attack. We’re by the fountain, near the Music department. Yeah. Okay. Alright. See ya.”

You look at her, tears in your eyes. Don’t give in, you think, watching your friend panic. For Wheein, keep it together. Wiggle your fingers. Count to 100. Wiggle your fingers. Count to 100. Wiggl-

“Hey,” A voice, not quite like Jackson’s, comes from behind you. “What’s up? Mind if I join?”

“Mark?” Wheein mutters, frowning as he kneels besides her, tight lip smile on his face. His eyes find yours and his smile widens a bit, shoulders relaxing.

“Hey, I love your shirt,” He points to you. “Keith Haring, right?”

You just nod, still breathing fast and shallowly.

“Did you know he used to paint the subways of New York?” You nod once again. “You did? Cool! What painting is your favorite?”

“W-what?”

“Come on,” He jokes, still smiling, still staring. “You’re an Art major! You must have a favorite! Tell me about it.”

“Re-Rebel With Many C-Causes,” You stammer out.

“Which one is that?” Mark asks, moving to settle down in front of you. He crosses his legs, knees touching yours, as he leans forward on his elbows. “I don’t remember…”

“The one with his own interpretation of hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil,” You mutter, blinking hard. Your heart seems to be slowing down, and air finds a gap through your throat and into your lungs. You’re gonna be okay.

“Ah!” He snaps his fingers, eyes wide and shinning with clear excitement in his face. “I remember that one! How could I forget– stupid me.”

“You’re not stupid,” You say, more out of habit then anything, but you can’t help but mean it. “Mark–“

“Y/N!” That’s Jackson. “Are you alright? Is everything okay? What happened?”

It’s almost as if hearing your friend’s voice summons you back to reality, and you look at Wheein, with her fearful eyes, and at Jackson, with his worried frown, and you look for Mark, with his excited smile, but he’s gone. In the midst of all the commotion, he left, and you didn’t even thank him.

———————————

It’s been a week since your panic attack, and weirdly enough, you started seeing Mark more and more. You’d see him with Jackson when he came over the Arts building, and you’d see him in the coffee shop whenever you hang out with Hyejin. He is at the cafeteria, at the hallway, at the bars; and you begin to wonder if he’s always been there and you just never noticed… sounds impossible, but extremely likely.

“What you thinking about?” Hyejin asks, poking you and making you squirm as you sip on your coffee. You two had been studying for the upcoming midterms and safe to say you are calmer, happy to be able to focus on something else besides Sumi’s threat.

“Mark.”

“What?!” She shouts, looking at you as if you are crazy. “Mark Tuan? Jackson’s friend? The guy that made Sumi go bitch crazy at you?”

“I’m not sure he did it on purpose,” You shrug. “He helped me, too, you know?” “Yeah, I know,” She rolls her eyes. “I’m still salty you called Jackson and not me.”

“He just knows what to do,” You chuckle.

“And apparently Mark knows too,” Hyejin wonders. “How, though? And why?”

“That’s what I’ve been thinking about,” You sigh. “I’m confused and–“

“Hey Y/N,” Before you can finish, Taehyung, a senior in Hyejin’s department, stops next to your table. “How are you holding up?”

“Me?” You ask. “I’m good, why?”

“I heard about your anxiety attack the other day,” He whispers, eyes exuding pity. “I’m sorry about what you’re going through, but things will get better! You have great friends to support you, so don’t give up, yeah?”

“What are you talking about, sunbea?” Hyejin asks, carefully looking at you. “How do you know about Y/N?”

“Sumi told me.”

You freeze.

“What exactly did Sumi say?” Hyejin is up, hands on both Taehyung’s shoulders.

“She said things weren’t too good for Y/N, right now… you know, at home,” He clears his throat, clearly uncomfortable. “And that’s why she changed so much. Sumi said she’s worried about you, Y/N, and that she’s trying to show you as much support as she can.”

“I’m going to kill a bitch,” Hyejin screams, grabbing her purse, and then turning to you. “Come on, love. We’re doing this. She can’t spread rumors about you like that, this is unacceptable! I’ll do the talking, you just stand next to me and–“

You grab her wrist tightly and hope that she won’t feel your shaking hands. “Thanks, Taehyung.” And you smile, the smile you practiced for so long in front of your mirror, for your friends, your teachers, yourself.

“No problem,” He smiles his boxy smile and you just can’t find it within yourself to be angry. “Let me know if you need anything! We’re all here for you.”

“Will do,” You say and pull a fuming Hyejin back to the couch you are sitting, holding her down until he’s far enough for you to breath out. You can feel a headache coming, and you rest your head on your hands. I guess there’s no escaping, now…

“What the fuck, Y/N?!” Hyejin mutter angrily. “Enough is enough! You can’t just let Sumi step all of you like that! She’s gone as far as making up rumors about you!”

“They are not made up,” You turn to your friend, gaging her reaction, and you can just tell it’s not going to be good. “I mean, technically they are made up, since there’s no way she’d know about my life outside this campus, but goddammit, she nailed it.”

“… what?” Hyejin whispers, eyes wide.

Sighing, you pack your backpack and get up. “Don’t worry too much, Hyejin-ah… I’ll be okay. I’m here now.”

Leaving her after spatting out news like that is not the best thing to do and you know, but you didn’t feel like explaining everything right there and then, especially considering that you’d have to retell that story to at least four different people. Once people know you, they don’t forget anything about you. Sumi’s voice echoes in your head, and you walk faster, with no destination in mind but wherever your body takes you. They don’t forget anything. They had to, though. They’d have to forget this. You are not sure you can survive if people know, if they remind you just how bad it is. You don’t want pity stares or careful smiles; you don’t want fake friends and meaningless support. You just want people to know your name. You just want them to remember you exist, because you are terrified that any day you could just disappear– and if that happens, you want someone to notice.

Telling your friends would be the easiest and wisest choice– you know. But there are emotional consequences that come with saying what you need to say that makes you extremely uncomfortable. This is not on them, so why should they suffer for it? Without noticing, you end up in you favorite place in that school: the basketball court. It is like your body knew you needed to let it out and brought you here.

“Shit,” You whisper, dropping all of your weight down and onto the floor in the middle of the court. It’s a beautiful night, if not for the traumatic news. The stars are out and the chill air makes it so that you can feel goosebumps on your skin. “Fucking hell. Shit shit shit shit.”

“Well, and here I was thinking today had been a pretty good day,” He sits next to you. “What happened?”

“You don’t want to know, Mark,” You sigh, looking at his shoes as he looms over you.

“If I asked,” He grunts as he sits down next to you, giving an odd deja-vu sensation. “It’s because I care.”

Care, you look at him with wide eyes. Not because he wants to know, or because he’s curious; but because he cares.

“It’s nothing,” You say, the lie feeling heavy and poisonous. “Don’t worry.”

“You might think you fool your friends, and they might pretend to be fooled, but you can’t really fool me, Y/N.”

“Drop it, Mark,” You lean on your elbows, eyes piercing though his and you see the challenge in his face.

“Why should I?” He scoffs while moving closer to you.

“Because I’m asking?”

“So?” His smile fakes innocence. “I don’t have to do something just because you want it. Believe it on not, this is for your own good.”

“You wouldn’t know what’s for my own good, Tuan,” You spit out, anger boiling in your blood. “You don’t know me. You don’t know what I’ve been through!”

“So tell me!” He says a bit more forcefully. “What have you been through?”

“A lot!” You blow up. You know there is no turning back and you don’t even want to go back; this is finally happening and nothing could stop you know. “I’ve been through hell and back this summer, Mark, and you wouldn’t even begin to understand it!”

“Oh yeah?!” There it is again– the challenge. “Try me.”

You are not sure exactly when you two got on your feet, standing mere inches away from each other, shouting at each other’s face. His forehead is almost touching yours and his chest is puffed forward, ready for what he knows is about to come. One hit; closed fist and not a lot of strength behind it. A try out, you could say. Then another one, once you realize it actually feels good and somewhat cathartic. And another. And another, and another, each stronger than the one before.

“Do you even know what is like to live in fear?” You shout, hitting his chest. He just stands there, taking it– taking it all. “What is like to realize that the person you looked up to, and loved, and cherished, and protected, turns out to be someone completely different? He’d threaten me, tell me horrible things, call me horrible names… and it all made sense! In my head he isn’t wrong but it’s not right– this is not right! He can’t do that; not after everything we’ve been through!”

The fact that you can’t breath is the first indication that you are crying, sobbing, into Mark Tuan’s chest. You scream and shout and punch, but he just stands there, hands around your shoulders, hit by hit, bringing you closer until you are flushed against him. Your voice is muffled once he presses you even closer, nestling your head on his neck; it takes you a while to process but for the first time in months you feel truly and undeniably safe. You feel protected, feeling the pressure of his arms around you and hearing the calming hushed assurances in your ear.

“It’s okay,” He whispers as his hand caresses your hair. Your hands stopped moving a while ago, choosing to clutch to his hoodie instead. Don’t let go, they seem to say. Never let me go. “It’s okay– you’re here now. You’re present. You’re safe. Do you understand what I’m saying, Y/N? Can you repeat it for me?”

You nod, not raising your head still.

“Come on,” He whispers again, and the feeling of his lips brushing against your ear is enough to make your breathing hitch. “You’re here.”

“I-I’m here,” You murmur.

“You’re present.”

“I’m pre– I’m present.”

“And you’re safe.”

The sheer strength of the words make you pull away slowly, looking for his eyes, for confirmation. And you see it.

“I’m safe.”

The kiss comes seconds after your voice fades, something within pushing you forward to meet him halfway. As his lips move, as firm as his words, you can hear him– you’re safe.

And as his hands pull you closer and closer and closer you hear him again– you’re safe with me.

———————————

“We need to talk.”

It comes from you and it surprises everyone.

“Yeah, of course,” Jackson frowns, scooting closer as Hyejin and Wheein sit down around you, too. “What’s up?”

“I’m ready,” You bite your lip, forcing yourself to say the words you’d trained all the way there. “If you guys want to know, I’m ready to tell you.”

“What are you talking about?” Wheein asks grabbing your hand.

“This summer,” You gulp, not being able to look them in the eyes. “My parents divorced. It was ugly– dad cheated, mom found out, and they split. Dad disappeared for a couple of months and I’m not sure if it was that or the fact that mom got a boyfriend, but my brother started acting… weird. He’d be gone for days and come back smelling of alcohol and weed, and at first I thought it was fine, you know? That it wouldn’t last, so I didn’t do anything… but it started to escalate and things started to get a bit out of hand. He’d have terrible fights with our mother, borderline violent, and he’d– he’d point his finger and come really, really close, like he was going to do something. I pulled him away a couple of times but after a while that didn’t seem to be enough either and I was scared, so, so scared, because the man that I always looked up to, the one that I idolized, my big brother, started acting like, like my dad. Explosive. Angry. Impulsive. We’d have terrible fights, once I started bringing this up, and after a while I guess I just didn’t know how to deal anymore, I just didn’t, I’m sorry guys, I–“

“Hey, it’s alright,” Wheein pulls you for a hug. “You’re okay. We got you.”

“The things he said,” You whisper, shutting your eyes tight, almost as if you opened them you’d see him again. “He said he’d kill me. That if I died and disappeared no one would know; no one would notice. He said I should go back to college and then told me to stay home. He’d change his mind in a second, and I started being more careful; talking less, spending more time outside the house, making sure to never be alone in the house with him. I guess I panic… maybe went into survival mode, but I believed him. I fully believed that if I disappeared no one would know, and when that became and actual fear I made sure that things would be different. Everyone would know my name. So I started being nicer– stupider, if you will. Doing small favors here and there as a way to please people, I guess? I know it sounds ridiculous but it made sense at the time, it really did… If people like you, they look for you. They talk about you. They know your name. That’s all I wanted, really. To have that security net, at least.”

The silence that follows the next moment is deadly; it feels suffocating, and you almost regret your decision. But then Hyejin speaks.

“We’d notice.”

You look at her face– not angry, no; she looks determinate. Sure of herself.

“We always notice,” She continues, tightening her hand on yours. “You change your hair, you try a new style, you don’t sleep well– we’ll always notice those little things, Y/N… because we love you. You are our best friend. You notice when we’re in a bad mood, or when we are happy, or sad, or anxious; you always know. So trust us, now. Believe what we say. We will always notice.”

“Hyejin-ah,” You sob, and you’ve done– you’ve finally done it. Being able to breath feels different; the compressing sensation on your chest gone. “Thank you. Thank all of you.”

“We are here for you, love,” Jackson says, joining what turns to be a group hug. “Whenever you feel unsafe, insecure, scared, anxious, happy, tired; we are here, so come to us, okay?”

You nod. “I promise.”

“Also,” He smiles and pulls away. “You’re always welcome at the Wang residence.”

“Mine too!” Wheein smiles.

“I don’t even have to say anything,” Hyejin laughs. “We all know my mom loves you more than me.”

“Well,” You sniff, smiling wide. “I am quite lovable.”

“And pretty unforgettable,” Jackson adds, wiggling his brows at you. “I know of a certain someone that hasn’t stopped talking about you ever since you met.”

You blush.

“Shut up, Jackson,” You jokingly push him away.

“Oh, I’m totally serious,” He says winking. “It started getting annoying so I just gave him your number.”

“Who are you talking about?” The girls ask at the same time.

“Mark Tuan, who else?” Jackson laughs as you try to slap his shoulder. “They kissed.”

“What?!” They shout again.

“Yah!” You scream, grabbing your bag and running after him. “I was going to tell them!”

“Liar!” He shouts back, still running. “He told me as soon as he got home last night!”

“Wait!” He stops. “He told you?”

His smile falters.

“What exactly did he tell you, Jackson?”

“He told me you were crying at the court,” Jackson sighs, knowing he made a mistake. “Didn’t tell me why, or what happened, I swear. But he told me he comforted you and things just kind of escalated and, you know, you two ended up kissing.”

You let out a relieved breath.

“So he didn’t tell you anything I told him?” You whisper more to yourself than anyone else, but he hears you and shakes his head. “Mark would never,” Your friend says. “Not after all that happened to him.”

“What happened to him?” You ask, more on impulse than anything.

“He didn’t tell me a thing about you, Y/N,” Jackson chuckles. “So if you want to know about him, why don’t you just ask?”

If I asked it’s because I care.

I care too, you say to yourself, waving your friends goodbye and running towards the basketball court. I care about you, too, Mark.

———————————

He’s not there when you arrive, but you wait. And wait. And wait a bit more and then text Jackson your whereabouts, knowing he’d relay the message.

“What are you doing here?” Mark asks as soon as he spots you laying down on the floor, hand slightly swinging from side to side as you draw the stars with your fingers.

“Looking for you,” You say without even looking at him, too concentrated. “Needed to talk.”

He chuckles a kind of chuckle that makes you smile in embarrassment from how easily you blush.

“Alright then,” He lays down next to you, immediately putting his arm under your head. “Let’s talk.”

“You said that if you ask, it’s because you care,” You say. “Before… last night.”

“Yeah, I did,” His voice is soft and you feel a puff of breath on your cheek. You turn your head and there he is, looking right at you, close, too close.

“I care too,” You whisper, moving to turn your whole body onto your side, choosing to face him despite the uncomfortable position on the hard ground. “So that’s why I’m asking… what happened to you, Mark?”

“What do you mean?” His hand is careful when touching your face, pushing a few strands of hair back behind your ear.

“You recognized something in me that night,” You say, frowning a bit as you try to be as clear as possible. “A specific type of hurt. So you asked. You pushed. But I recognize it, too, Mark; I see it on you the same way you saw it on me. Now I’m asking, because I’m worried. I might not know you for a long time, but I know you. You allowed me that… I’m sorry if asking is too much, but allow me a bit more. I want to be here for you the way you were there for me and–“

He shuts you up with his mouth, and thank god he did. His arms fold around you once more and there it is; that feeling– I’m safe. He’s safe. We’re safe. One hand goes to your neck and the other reaches out for your waist, making sure to keep you close. There is something new to the kiss, though; something deeper. It is languid, and powerful, and overwhelming, and you barely remember what happened before then. Only when he pulls away, smile on his face, canines showing in the dim night, that you remember. This is for him.

“I think I love you,” He says, and your heart skips a beat. “I know it’s been like, a few weeks since we met but I feel like I’ve known you my whole life. Might as well have, with how much Jackson talks about you, his passionate, beautiful, amazing, kind best friend.”

“Mark–“

“My ex,” He starts, and although he’s still smiling, the hurt is palpable. His body tenses up and your fingers move almost immediately, working on the knots on his neck and shoulders. “Was very controlling. Things were fine in the beginning because it’s young love, you know? They are supposed to be fine in the beginning, but they are not supposed to go so bad after…”

“What happened?”

“She used to make me feel worthless,” You heart shatters as he speaks. “Used to tell me I never did things right and that I was lucky to be with her. Sometimes she’d go as far as to say someone like her could never love someone like me, and the implications behind that did the rest. She’d scream if I went out with my friends, and cry if I tried to argue back… I used to feel like a piece of shit every single day– that lasted five months.”

You shuffle and your arms go around his head, cradling him to your chest, covering as much of him as you can– you wanted to make him feel protected.

“Then Jackson found me,” He continues, nosing your collarbone. “I was drunk and crying and everything was too loud, so he took me to his place, turned off my phone and sobered me up. The next day he didn’t let me go back to her place; he said we needed to talk. We talked for about three hours… and when I finally turned on my phone again and saw her messages and the things she was saying, it was like something finally clicked. I called her and broke up with her instantly. Never regretted ever since; but I’ve been recovering. A toxic relationship takes a toll on you, so I just needed time to come back to myself, be with my friends, get my life back. I thought it would take longer, but then I met you. I heard you talking to Jackson about Sumi and without him even saying anything, without even knowing me, you put my feelings first. It’s been a while since anyone’s done that and then your anxiety attack happened, and then last night, and I just couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

“I couldn’t stop, either,” You whisper onto his hair. “Thinking about you.”

“I’m happy,” He sighs. “It’s been a long time, but I recognize it. Happiness.”

“I’m happy, too,” You pull away to look into his eyes and give him a light kiss. “And I’m healing, too. So I understand if you need time or space or–

“I don’t need time,” He says. “Or space. I just need support. Knowing that you’ll be walking next to me is all I need…”

“Then I’ll be right next to you,” You mumble, closing your eyes. “So whenever you need me, just call my name.”

You two end up falling asleep and waking up only the next morning, with Jackson and Jaebeom shouting and taking pictures. Your shoulder is stiff and you are pretty sure Mark can’t feel his arm, but you’ve never felt better.

It might’ve taken you a while but you’ve finally realized; the people around you– Hyejin, Wheein, Jackson, and now Mark,– they’d never forget you. They need you as much as you need them. They love you as much as you love them. They’d always call your name.

You don’t need nobody else for that. You have them.

-------------------------------------------------

hello lovelies! I am back! I am so sorry about disappearing like that, but things have been a bit complicated on my side of the computer... Everything is okay now, so I’m back to writing! As always, I hope you like this and please let me know what you think! Comment, like, share– it makes a writer’s day <3 love you all!

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lb-art-and-photo · 7 years

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Learning: when your life gets to be like constantly studying for a final exam. In math.

What's that like for person with a brain that is heavily unbalanced towards the right side? Here. Upon coming across the one math course I took undergrad, "Math as a Human Endeavor" I thought, "Hell yes! This is going to be the easiest math class ever!" and I signed up. No. Two grades of equal weight: a midterm and a final. 200 students in a lecture hall. One not-so-easy-to-understand professor who insisted it was easy. One math term I will never forget: olive-knot?! I have no idea how to spell it. I have asked my math teacher friends about it; I have googled it. It's like I have made it up, like it never existed! So I took the midterm. I tried. I cried a little. I wrote, "I DON'T GET IT!" across the front and turned it in. I was devastated. I had never earned below a B in any class. Ever. So I studied like heck for the final and earned an A. I have no idea how. And then that nice, nice, professor allowed me to write a paper about a mathematician. I ended up with a B. Moral of the story: writing is important! Ha! YES for writing!

But I know learning is good. And it's a damn good thing that I have always loved to learn about a huge variety of things.

I know I would not have an abnormally high knowledge of state capitals, weird facts about how different countries bury their dead, Native American Mythology (wolves are important), MLA Citation rules, on which page and in what paragraph Mrs. Dubose tells Scout she is a "dirty little girl" in To Kill a Mockingbird, where the Shameless house is located (thanks, kids!), how to do an image transfer 10 different ways for 10 different effects, and strangely enough with music: a song, the artist, the grade I was in, year it was, how old I was, and parts of the music video when a majority of the songs in my lifetime came out. I have to try two favorites.

Example 1: "You Might Think" by the Cars: 5, 1984, preschool. I remember a huge fly in the likeness of Ric Ocasek buzzing around a very 1980's colorful and cheesy setting while bothering a woman I assume he liked. I think maybe there was driving a car involved too. Or that could be the album cover they had with "My Best Friend's Girl" on it. Or maybe because they are the Cars? I guess I'll find out. But for sure, the fly.

Example 2: "Under the Bridge" by The Red Hot Chili Peppers. 11, 1991?, 6th grade. I loved, loved this song! Still do. Anyway, I remember Anthony Keidas never wearing a shirt, but that was ok because he was buff and had a nice tattoo. I also remember him sprinting towards the camera and thinking, "Man, he's fast!" I remember Flea under a graffiti bridge that looks a lot alike one I have a picture of myself. I also remember a winter hat I wanted!

Hopefully I'm right about these. I don't know for sure. I didn't cheat and I haven't seen these videos in years. Is there anyone else out there that can do this like I can? Had to do it to test myself. I'll look later. Sorry. So. To the things I've been studying and learning:

Learning Goal #1: Uncertainty

Recent learning has all been about advancing in what has now definitely become my second career and something I'm in love with, photography. I've been doing a lot of research lately, different types of shooting, making contacts where I can, and trying to plan what needs to be done. I've always been a planner, and for some reason I can't plan this, so it's been driving me nuts. This means NO SET PLAN. I have always been a risk-taker, but I have always liked to have some kind of plan, too. This is different, and when you're at an age where you think you should probably have more figured out and you don't, it can't be unsettling. That's where this idea of uncertainty comes in. Maybe it's not such a bad thing. I recently read a part of a book that claimed uncertainty is actually a good thing. I think I'm with that. I think uncertainty actually drives a person who wants success as long as that person doesn't get so scared they end up stopping and getting too comfortable. No idea if that makes sense. Instead of fighting it, I'm doing my best to accept it and maybe actually welcome it someday. When I'm like 80 probably. One simple idea that I remember from that book is true: "The only thing we know is that we know nothing." Nothing is guaranteed.

Learning Goal #2: Setting up a studio and preparing for an intern

I'm finally into a studio at Starline Gallery, sharing one with my wonderful friend, Peggy Gannon. She's an amazing artist. We will be open for the first time during this month's 4th Fridays, April 28th. We want to pack our new place. So come! We are excited. But setting up a studio is not easy. No, it's not even closeti done. But it will be soon. Plus I have also agreed to take an intern who is majoring in fine art this summer at the Milwaukee Institute of Art and Design. She seems creative and great. But it will be a learning experience. I think we'll both learn a lot.

Learning Goal #3: Fashion, which is funny considering I am all about comfort

Also, I'm studying up on fashion from Pinterest to find and look at the work of the best fashion photographers I can around Chicago and the rest of the world, tearing out pages of both American and European fashion magazines, looking through books of designer art, finding models, and collaborating with many different people. I have learned so much about fashion as an art. It's fascinating what concepts designers come up with and their creative processes associated with them. I'm blown away by the ideas one creative designer I've been lucky enough to get to know. I often ask, "How did you come up with this?" Her answer is amazingly similar to how and when I come up with stuff: when I'm really not thinking about it - running, in the shower, sleeping, etc. Plus it is intriguing and almost comforting to hear about what someone has to do vs. what she really wants to do. I've only thought about fashion photography a couple of times: when other photographers have mentioned I should try it. I think I might actually love it.

Lesson 4: Dealing with Discomfort

Speaking of new people, I have had to meet and speak with many new people about new and important stuff: opportunities, critiques, budgeting, second shooters, lighting, taxes, travel expenses, running a small business, having access to things I need at the time, "how to" questions … you get it. That's always been hard for me. Can I do it? Yes. Do I like to? Umm, yes and no. I have terrible anxiety at first, for weeks if I know something is coming up. The good news is that it fades once in action. Contrary to popular belief, I am not an extrovert. I think I am an introvert who can demonstrate extroverted qualities at times. But I always need time to recharge or I'm in for a whole lot of trouble. "But you're a teacher!" Yeah, I know. Teaching students is different than meeting with potential clients or pitching ideas to a roomful of people when you've never had that experience before!

Lesson 5: Being grateful and learning from others (if you listen. Note to self: fricking listen!)

I have always felt great appreciation to people in my life, and I have tried to express it. But I have learned a ton about people in general, and I need to say thank you to the few people I contacted through email, messaging, or personally because all of you are very busy and very successful people who have been generous with your time and answers/suggestions when you could have easily told me you were too busy to help. It helps me so much to have some information before I make major decisions. I'd love to thank specific people for making even just a little time for me, but I'll feel like a jerk when I forget someone, but everything has helped in some way. Reaching out and asking is the hard part. I have never liked to ask for help, but I also never give up just because it's not easy. What is there to lose? You never know until you ask. I started realizing this the last few years when I finally found enough courage to ask, and I wish I would have understood earlier.

Wish me luck. I'm heading downtown and it's an important day. Step 2 in probably what will be a long process. I'm going to have to pull some of this learning together and apply it the best I can. I am a little bit nervous, but I feel confident, and that's what learning does for me: it makes me feel like I can talk without sounding like a complete idiot. Mostly. Because I will spill or trip or break a glass at some point that day. I like to call THAT charm.

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