#i feel like i'm gonna explode
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Currently reading The Haunting of Hill House (which yay me because I've not been able to easily read books for years) by Shirley Jackson because I am a MASSIVE fan of Mike Flanagan's Netflix adaptation, and I'm currently having So Many Thoughts. I'm only halfway through the book at the moment, so my initial thoughts are liable to have incorrect conclusions/misinterpretations.
Eleanor is everything to me. Like. She makes me physically ill. The way the second line in her introduction is "The only person in the world she genuinely hated, now that her mother was dead, was her sister," has me actually foaming at the mouth. Going from a mild statement in her first sentence that simply states her age to that--you're shitting me. It catches you wrong-footed right off the bat, and gives an explanation (and later an expansion) of why she is the way she is.
Eleanor is very child-like (I don't think the word childish quite does her justice) and naive to the ways of the world. She finds beauty and fairy tales in the mundane; she finds freedom and has anxiety about the ordinary. She finds a car trip, which to many is boring and arduous, to be an adventure. Because to her, it is; because of the years she spent caring for her cruel, ill mother, she both never got the chance to grow up, and doesn't seem to have had a real chance to be a kid.
Now, she lives alone, in her own barren apartment. She finally has something that is hers--yet, from the description she gives Theodora of it, she seems as much a ghost there as she was when living with her mother. That's a common theme here, I think; tragedy has long fallen Hill House, but the tragic accidents and suicide there all those years ago is not what makes it haunted. Hill House was born broken. It was rotten from the start. It may or may not be filled with ghosts, that does not matter; the house itself is a corpse rotted--yet still alive. In her own house, in her own life, Eleanor is alive, and yet a ghost.
There is a moment that deeply resonants with me in this book. Eleanor has only known the Dr. Montague, Theodora, and Luke for an evening, and she starts thinking about her red shoes;
"...what a complete and separate thing I am, individually an I, possessed of attributes belonging only to me. I have red shoes, she thought--that goes with being Eleanor; I dislike lobster and sleep on my left side and crack my knuckles when I am nervous and save buttons. I am holding a brandy glass which is mine because I am here and I am using it and I have a place in this room. I have red shoes and tomorrow I will wake up and I will still be here."
It's like this is the first time she is realizing these things about herself; rather, this is the first time she is seeing herself as an individual, a person as worthy of being here as any other. She doesn't know the doctor and Theodora and Luke, not really, but she already sees them as a facsimile of a family. They all have their places at the tables; they all have their roles to play in this investigation of Hill House. She feels.. content, in a way; happy, hopeful.
I start clawing at the walls every time I remember how she is doomed by the narrative. Eleanor will not get that happy family from these strangers. Eleanor will likely not get much that is happy. She is alive; she is a ghost. I fear that the house will want to keep her. I fear that she will not be one to escape it.
I am only halfway through this book, but i have seen all of Mike Flanagan's The Haunting of Hill House Netflix show. Multiple times. Often on repeat. Nellie, Flanagan's adaption of Eleanor, is just as doomed by the narrative... but perhaps in a more blatant way. I do now know how the book will end, but I do know what came of Nellie in the show. How tragic he made it! I do not believe (I hope) that the crooked-necked woman is not literally Eleanor in the book (if indeed that ghost makes an appearance here), but I have no idea what is coming!
Maybe I'll continue this analysis once I complete the book, maybe I won't. But my brain is literally exploding with thoughts! So far, it looks like Flanagan brought the themes and tragedy and Eleanor's delusions into the literal for the show, so I'm excited to see where the book goes! OK that's enough word vomit for now.
#the haunting of hill house#hill house#shirley jackson#the haunting of hill house book#the haunting of hill house analysis#media analysis#i'm going so crazy rn#i have schoolwork to do why am i writing this instead#idk why i'm writing this when i'm only halfway through but#i feel like i'm gonna explode
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i think the bus left early or something i am so mad!!!!! i was literally here on time and it was nowhere to be found i just want to go home omfg
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Worst thing that could ever happen to a writer is forgetting the term for a very specific thing, but Googling the description of it is too complicated and gives no results
#alchemically posts#starting to wonder if there even is a term for the thing i'm thinking of#i feel like i'm gonna explode
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literally not even a min into the first ep of the new fallout show and I just got a shot of pure whimsy and joy from hearing nat king cole
#vark posts#i feel like i'm gonna explode#fallout special interest my beloved#the ingame radio always send me into a frenzy#also the first scene bein cowboy themed is pandering to me specifically#fallout#fo4#< just puttin it in that tag to keep it with the rest
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danny and dave at space prom mood board
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The inherent psychological torment of Making One Mistake
#i feel like i'm gonna explode#if i found out someone screenshotted this post i'm coming for your knees
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I'm so excited for the fnaf movie
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shoutout to chipotle for giving me the most stuffed burrito i've ever gotten from them, definitely got my full money's worth on guac too
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spontaneous human combustion When
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i can't even open youtube without the trending tab recommending me 40 videos praising that kid on the game awards
#too much. it's just too much right now#not even just that just. a lot. my god#and i can't even go to therapy bc my therapist is booked for the month#i feel like i'm gonna explode
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the best of enemies
#bsd#bungo stray dogs#bungou stray dogs#dazai osamu#chuuya nakahara#soukoku#skk#sketchy#if i keep looking at these i feel like i'll explode so i'm just gonna let them go#enjoy my brainrot <3
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#I'm on the work WiFi#Can't stream anything#What is happening#Am I getting carpool kareoke#Ahhhh#I feel like I'm gonna explode
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Comic for @eternalglitch and their terribly yet wonderfully painful fic "Like father like son" Ahah I am in pain :)
#Honestly I had a moment like that last year where I was basically a completely different person due to my phobias and. Stuff#And it felt like I was disappointing my past self and I could feel them staring and yelling at me that I ruined them#DOING A LOT BETTER NOW!!! TEEHEE!! but yeah this is inspired by this!! And obviously the mirror scene with Leo#Although it's not exactly how this scene goes#Like father like son#Lfls#Lfls fanart#Rottmnt#Scars tw#Scar tw#Tmnt#rottmnt leo#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#unpause rottmnt#LOVE THIS FIC!! I NEED LEO TO HEAL OR ELSE I'M GONNA EXPLODE!!!!!! OK BYYEEEEE💚💙💚💙💚💙💚💙💚💙💚💙💚💙💚💙💙💚💙💚💙💙💚💙💙💚💙💚💙💚
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almost time for the first race of the grand prix!! wish me luck!!
#⚡️.png#aaaaaa i'm so excited i feel like i'm gonna explode!!!#//#sonic the hedgehog#sonic oc#sonicsona#rp
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The Alex Kister Situation
Alright; I've been more of a lurker on here for awhile, but for months now--almost a year--I've been a massive fan of the Mandela Catalogue, and this fandom has been a major form of escapism and safety for me. So, I feel the need to say something about the current situation.
To start, I'm putting a link to the document with all of the information about what happened, as it's important to read it and learn about this whole situation in depth:
With that out of the way, I just wanted to share my own personal opinion; personally, Mandela Catalogue has legitimately become my special interest. I have pretty much obsessed over it ever since I first found it, and everything I've written or drawn since then has been to do with it. It's been very important to me, especially due to the community here on tumblr, as this fandom is probably the most supportive and open places on the internet I've found. I feel a lot more connected because of it, and it made me feel comfortable and safe.
I was in a bad mental space today, and when I found out about this, I had a pretty bad breakdown--some might call it an overreaction, but you don't know just how dependent my mental health had become on this series and fandom. (I will be working on avoiding this habit in the future, as it isn't healthy to depend so heavily on one interest)
After reading through the document, and just seeing so many opinions and contributions from others, I am almost certain that these allegations are true. But I always, always listen to all perspectives before making judgement, so I will not be going full "I hate Alex, he's a despicable person!!" before Alex gives his own point of view.
That being said, I do believe Alex has serious issues that he needs to get handled. I am hesitant to call this pedophilia, as from what I've gathered, he didn't seem to have active malicious intent towards minors(correct me if I missed something that said otherwise)--rather, I get the impression that Alex simply doesn't understand boundaries, and genuinely saw his fans as mutuals. He seems to be a person who's manipulative--whether intentionally or not--and his personal relationships, platonic, romantic, or sexual, turn very toxic because of this. So, trying to have personal relationships with fans, people who look up to him and see him in a very different light, results in inevitable toxicity as well.
I get the sense that Alex simply is a young person, struggling with mental health and gender dysphoria, who was thrust into extreme popularity very suddenly, and doesn't have the maturity level to handle it properly. Overall, I do not support him, if he continues to act like this--if he makes genuine, real efforts to deal with his mental health and his unhealthy behaviours, I would respect him for that. I wouldn't look at him quite the same, but as long as someone makes genuine efforts to better themself after doing something wrong, I appreciate and respect that, and may eventually give forgiveness. But, if he doesn't make those efforts, if he continues his patterns and refuses to try and get better, then that is on him and at that point I have lost any and all respect for him. At that point, you are not a good or reasonable person, in my eyes.
Regardless of how things go with Alex himself, though, I want to say...
You do not have to support a creator to enjoy their work!!
I am a huge fan of Danny Phantom, and that show's creator is a genuine piece of shit. Like, a truly despicable human being. That fandom successfully has, just... completely ripped the show and characters from their creator. They have cut him out entirely, nothing he says holds any impact or meaning to them and it hasn't for years. He's seriously fallen off. And it's still a fun, active fandom! The people in there are super neat!!
And, hell, look at the whole mess with J. K. Rowling!! She is an absolutely disgusting person. But so many people grew up with Harry Potter, and still like her stories, without actively supporting her--lots of creators turn out to be really awful people, but that doesn't mean that what they made is automatically awful as well. They still have some kind of creative ability, that happened to produce something that garnered a significant amount of attention.
We don't need Alex to still enjoy the concept, characters, and overall story he's created. We can still make fanworks, still appreciate what it is that drew us to the series in the first place.
Honestly, out of everything that the fallout of this would bring, I was most terrified of the fandom itself dying, as that is what truly matters the most to me. This place, these people are so important to me, and I am so scared of this community falling apart. I've already seen plenty of people stating that they will no longer be associating with TMC, and are just completely distancing themselves from it. It feels like things are already dying and disappearing and it really, really fucking hurts.
I guess what I'm trying to say, is that... if that is your choice, if you truly do not want to associate with TMC anymore whatsoever, then I don't blame you for it. I understand if you can't look at the series the same way after this, and I respect that choice.
But you don't have to, if it still means anything to you. Fandoms are more than just their creators--they're the community that has been built around the work, and this community is possibly the best one I've ever been in. I don't want to see it die. So, just know, that you can still love this fandom, this story, these characters, without supporting Alex. You can still draw the characters, make OCs, write fanfiction, etc. He won't get money from that--only from directly watching his content or buying his merch.
Finally, I'd like to say to go support the victims. They didn't deserve this--no matter what Alex's intentions were. Please support them, and regardless of how this turns out, do not continue actively supporting Alex Kister. I am sure that, whatever his intentions were, he did still harm people and that is not okay.
Also, this is all just my own opinion, based on what I know; I was not in the discord, I don't have Twitter, I don't personally know anyone involved and I have not seen everything regarding the situation as a whole. I simply felt I should state my current opinion, as I'm seeing a lot of people freaking out and spiraling and just leaving the fandom entirely. I wanted to remind people that it's okay to still enjoy this fandom and be a part of it, without Alex. My opinion may change some with new information I find, but overall, I am of the opinion that Alex should not be supported, while the Mandela Catalogue itself can be separated from him and still be enjoyed and appreciated.
And, whatever happens... Adam Murray, Jonah Marshall and Thatcher Davis are officially honorary characters in my stash of little guys. If he's not fit to keep them then they will become my creative outlet instead (and others who love them, obviously). They're very special characters to me, I can't express just how many things I have written and drawn to do with them, and I refuse to give them up.
(another addition, regarding the apparent 'alter egos' Alex apparently had: Possibly consider DID? I know a lot of people with DID will often mistake it for other things, including simply being gender non-conforming, when in actuality they really have alters that just identify differently. Not diagnosing, I don't know enough about him to make any real claims--it was just a thought.)
#mandela catalogue#the mandela catalogue#tmc#tw grooming#tw pedophila mention#This is not meant to spark any sort of controversy.#I just wanted to get my opinion out there bc I feel like I'm gonna explode right now#Will still probably post my art of the characters as I'm proud of it and my art has improved significantly since discovering TMC
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The idea of Aziraphale falling the angel version of Crowley but that person is no more and then Aziraphale falling for the demon Crowley is eating my brain...
aziraphale fell for an angel who carved out the stars and when crowley crawled from his burnt up body, aziraphale loved a demon with scales and yellow eyes just as much. crowley fell from heaven and built himself back up from the ashes of who he used to be and aziraphale didn't even blink before loving him with his whole being. crowley has the capacity to be both of these iterations of himself, he changes and sheds his skin and aziraphale just keeps loving him. the angel that crowley used to be doesn't exist anymore but that's just fine because there isn't a crowley that aziraphale wouldn't love.
#BRRRRRRRRRR#exploding over and over and over and over again#crowley sheds his skin#he dies and comes back wrong and aziraphale is right there to love whatever slithers out of the still husk of what he used to know#am i being dramatic of course but do you geettttt ittttttt he just keeps fcucking loving him#good omens#aziracrow tag#does this count as spoilers?? i feel like this is pretty general so i feel like i'm good but i forget what everyone knows#i swear to god im gonna open ao3 again to write smth about this i cannot be stoppeeddddddd kdjfnaowirhf#the ineffable husbands are being ineffable again guys sorry#crowley's constant changes to his appearance and even his name really are like a snake shedding it's skin every few months he needs to molt#<3 mwah said with love
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